21 Cooking Tips That Will Kill Us All; Nintendo Steps Into Porn Biz...
November 30, 2013 2:13 PM   Subscribe

... and other quality headlines by Headline Smasher.
posted by Foci for Analysis (55 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
 
It would be easier to list the ones that aren't funny.
posted by idiopath at 2:25 PM on November 30, 2013


"Bitcoins can now legally marry."

Seems legit.
posted by The Whelk at 2:28 PM on November 30, 2013 [9 favorites]


It's like an rss feed from Liartown.
posted by The Whelk at 2:29 PM on November 30, 2013 [3 favorites]


Nintendo Steps Into Porn Biz...

a.k.a. Wii Bang.
posted by Cash4Lead at 2:35 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is like some bot twitter accounts, In fact, I think they're scraping this. Horse, is that you?
posted by dabitch at 2:35 PM on November 30, 2013


Breaking: Satrie Basically Impossible; Useless.
posted by The Whelk at 2:36 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


Rob Ford Coming in a Bikini

Now I'll never get that image out of my head. And neither will you.
posted by Cash4Lead at 2:36 PM on November 30, 2013 [4 favorites]


The source code is on github and linked from the bottom right. A quick glance at the code and it appears to be a simple Markov chain using headlines scraped from a handful of popular link aggregators as its initial corpus. Simple and clever.
posted by cj_ at 2:48 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


Help! My Fiancée Is Orange and So Are the Perpetrators of War Crimes in Iraq.
posted by idiopath at 2:57 PM on November 30, 2013 [6 favorites]


Markov Chains Shall Heal Us All
posted by Doleful Creature at 2:59 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


Republican Obstructionism Leads to Anal Probe Nightmare—Again
posted by idiopath at 3:00 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is like some bot twitter accounts

Like @TwoHeadlines, maybe?
posted by moonmilk at 3:03 PM on November 30, 2013


It would be easier to be easier to be a Bikini Now I'll never get that aren't funny. A quick glance at the code is like some bot twitter accounts, In fact, I think they're scraping this. Simple and linked from Liartown. Help! My Fiance Is Orange and it appears to list the bottom right.
posted by JHarris at 3:08 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


I love Python.
posted by JHarris at 3:14 PM on November 30, 2013


The Zombieland TV Show Imagines European Refugees Fleeing to Israel: U.S. Foreign Policy More Effective Than Drugs?
posted by dave78981 at 3:17 PM on November 30, 2013


LiarTown has become the Gold Standard for Internet Absurdity, by which all others will be judged (and found wanting). Sorry, TheOnion, do you REALLY want to discontinue the printed edition? (Or was that just something I saw on Headline Smasher?) Also, sorry, FeedBuzz, you're just trying too hard (when people think you're LESS random than BuzzFeed, that's a problem). And why aren't you updating your Tumblr, Michael Kupperman? Don't you realize how far Sean Tejaratchi has gotten ahead of you?!?

Also, "repeat to yourself it's just an app, I should really just relax".
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:28 PM on November 30, 2013


  • Particle Effects in JavaScript Right on the Importance of Encouraging Your Children With Severe Epilepsy.
  • Judge: An IP-Address Doesn’t Identify a Person Is Doing an IAmA on Reddit
  • What Happens When You Can’t Copyright Porn, Harassed BitTorrent Defendant Insists
  • LinkedIn Mobile Moved From NodeJS to Ruby Being Called a Traitor
  • I Know What You're Doing
Limiting the sources to r/politics and HackerNews is about 93% dribble and 7% amazing.
posted by ardgedee at 3:29 PM on November 30, 2013


"Fuck a woman to win this Zune." is upsetting on so many levels and in so many different ways.
posted by The Whelk at 3:40 PM on November 30, 2013 [8 favorites]


I like to think of markov chains as akin to the babbling of children learning to talk; they're just so CUTE because they haven't quite formed a grown-up picture of the world, and are kind of reproducing based on woefully incomplete information. Of course, with time the kids grow up....
posted by kaibutsu at 3:46 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


When I'm sick of you, I'm sick of life.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 3:59 PM on November 30, 2013


Between this and budgie thread I must have spent a good ten minutes of today laughing manically by myself at the computer.
posted by Ned G at 4:05 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


‘Sesame Street’ Shatters Little Girls’ Princess Dreams, Replaces Them With Polonium
posted by idiopath at 4:07 PM on November 30, 2013 [14 favorites]


screw dreams i want polonium!
posted by Foci for Analysis at 4:11 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


I kinda hate for this to become the thread where we just copy and paste things we saw from the link, but oh man, "Blizzard lays off thousands, builds huge prison" is causing me to suffer a disastrous laughing attack. So yeah, copy paste away.
posted by kiltedtaco at 4:20 PM on November 30, 2013 [7 favorites]


School Makes Students Sign Pledge Not to Be Killed For No Reason
posted by jinjo at 4:27 PM on November 30, 2013 [12 favorites]


Juxtaposing ThinkProgress with Hacker News yields some nice tension:

"Nuclear Power Is Safest Way to Make Municipal Fiber Illegal in Minnesota"
posted by underflow at 4:55 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


My favorite, recent, ACTUAL headline: TEN-YEAR STUDY FINDS FROG ABNORMALITIES RARE.

I can only picture a researcher picking up a frog, examining it, and saying "Nope, no abnormality here." Then on to the next frog: "This one's normal too." Third frog: "Totally normal." For 10 freaking years.

(Turns out there was actual science involved, but still, the headline was stupid.)
posted by mudpuppie at 5:06 PM on November 30, 2013 [5 favorites]


HuffPo + The Blaze:
Organic Raisin Farmers Fight Back Against Drone Control
posted by tonycpsu at 5:09 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


Glenniana Beckington, you kill me.
A High-Resolution Image of Mary and Jesus That Mysteriously Streams Myrrh
Surveillance? It Used to Measure Teacher Performance
Why I Constantly Feel the Sequester
A Few Lessons From Thoreau: Reflection, Integrity, Civil Disobedience
In Praise of Edward Snowden: Hero to the Playground Bully?
Bulldozing the White House in Retaliation for Emails Exposing Colin Powell's Alleged Affair
China's Opportunity to Unite and Defeat Christie
Obama Reportedly Thought About Mitt Romney the 2012 Ticket
Re-Thinking the Business of Government Waste: Promoting Climate Change Deniers?
Major Hollywood Actor Salutes Veterans Who Stormed World War III
posted by tonycpsu at 5:34 PM on November 30, 2013


Netanyahu Warns of More Disclosures
posted by nickmark at 5:46 PM on November 30, 2013


Death Toll Rises After Don Cherry Thinks Rogers Should Leave Coach's Corner Just The Way It Is

Police Detonate Dinosaurs
posted by Beardman at 6:21 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


Watch a Guy Stare at Mary Steenburgen

Helen Mirren and Her Sneakers Are Basically Huge McNuggets

And it looks like my Saturday night plans made the headlines:

We All Want to Get High and Watch Rahm Emanuel Dance to 'Bye Bye Bye' in PJs
posted by Room 641-A at 6:32 PM on November 30, 2013 [7 favorites]


This has made my week. I can't even pick out the best ones because they're all the best ones. I'm crying and I'm not even drunk.
posted by Zosia Blue at 6:36 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


Life's Too Short to Write Believable Female Characters

There's dozens of Hollywood writers who've made their careers following that one.
posted by Enron Hubbard at 7:59 PM on November 30, 2013 [3 favorites]


David Cross and Amber Tamblyn's PSA on the First Elysium Clip

This should be a real thing.
posted by fshgrl at 8:11 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Fatness of James Deen's Evil Penis

Who wouldn't want to click on that one?
posted by SisterHavana at 9:27 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


police detonate dinosaurs

If you think about it, this is a thing that anyone driving a car does regularly.
posted by DoctorFedora at 12:16 AM on December 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


Bioshock 2 DLC Will Let Teen Girls Begin Trial for 83-Year-Old Mobster
posted by DoctorFedora at 12:17 AM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


New Snowden Leak Shows Zelda 3DS XL for North America

Britney's Dad and His Flashing Neon Lamborghini

Dozens of Awful Indie Games Competition Begins

22 Signs You’re Addicted to Puns

‘Royal Crier’ Who Announced Baby King's Birth Just a Life-Sized Tie Fighter Replica

The PS4 Is Waiting Until February to Launch 3-D Printer Into Space

Ark. School District Responds to Megyn Kelly Gives Birth to Something, Hopefully a Person



You guys, this is just the best thing
posted by DoctorFedora at 12:35 AM on December 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


Mitch McConnell Say He Planned to Detonate More Explosives in Times Square
posted by Token Meme at 12:42 AM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


A lot of these sound like the Onion's News in Brief headlines. I can see "Microsoft Tries To Stop Crying" and "Teen Girl Unimpressed With Own Ability to Walk on Water" fitting right in.
posted by NoiselessPenguin at 2:06 AM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


U.N. Says We Should All Be Rubbing Puppy Bellies Right Now.
posted by idiopath at 7:35 AM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


I have so many thanks for TheWhelk, JHarris and onefellswoop for mentioning LiarTown. I missed TheWhelk's FPP earlier this year but LiarTown is the best thing ever.

Back on topic:

Kansas Man With 22 Kids by 14 Women Lost Count but Loves All 18 Kids, 17 Women

But this one is real, probably:

Pelosi to GOP: “Fuck You”
posted by Room 641-A at 8:41 AM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Nearly 70 Percent of Her Life Was an 80's Training Montage

This left very little time for crane kicking soviet ninja terrorist boxers, but very little time was required.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:03 PM on December 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


UPDATED: There Are No Vampires at the Denver International Airport

*whew*
posted by The Whelk at 12:34 PM on December 1, 2013


Trayvon Died for Our Democracy

I don't like this game anymore.
posted by Room 641-A at 1:22 PM on December 1, 2013


Fox News Thinks Obama Is Faking Blackness
posted by klausness at 2:02 PM on December 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


U.S. Government Shut Down Mother Nature

If You Give Kids Cigarettes, Superman Will @#$%Ing Murder You This Weekend

Man Sentenced to Sexy Teen Drama

The World's Oldest Woman Dies at Age 9

13 Potatoes That Look Like the 90s

It’s Unlikely You’ve Ever Loved Anything

Snake Slithers Out of Class [NSFW]

24 Kids Who Are Nothing but Soda

Stealth Game Where You Argue About Slashfic

Kansas Man With 22 Kids by 14 Women Lost Count but Loves All 18 Kids, 17 Women
posted by JHarris at 3:42 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Lawmaker's Wife Orders Women of Facebook to Solicit Sex From Students

Elizabeth Warren Introduces Her First Music Video

Milla Jovovich Stealing From the Democratic Party

Rodeo Clown Who Wore It Best? The Nightmarish, Blood-Gargling Zombie Edition

Sensing a Tragic Dearth of New Charges Against Top University Officials

Here's the Official 'Ugly' Portrait of Bea Arthur
posted by SisterHavana at 4:38 PM on December 1, 2013


Precocious Pit Bull Saves Woman From House Fire

Calling All Military Veterans of Reddit. We Took an Oath to Protect Against SQL Injection Vulnerability in Rails
posted by LogicalDash at 4:38 PM on December 1, 2013


Ted Cruz Gets Into Vicious Brawl With Ex-Wife’s Armed Boyfriend – Someone Got Shot, but It Still Looks Cool

14 Real Teenagers Who Are Only Famous to People Who Support the Murder of Benazir Bhutto

Apple Literally Stole My Stuff!

The Taliban Just Got Out of My Beer Can.
posted by SisterHavana at 4:43 PM on December 1, 2013


NASA Is Testing New Menu Items – and You Are Looking Delicious
posted by Room 641-A at 7:18 PM on December 1, 2013


Online Dating: Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Pretending to Be Matt.
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 8:25 AM on December 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


Okay, I'll do it.

Metafilter: Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Pretending to Be Matt.
posted by Room 641-A at 10:53 AM on December 2, 2013 [3 favorites]


Upworthy is just so ripe for mocking now, isn't it? Related: Upworthy linkbait, a tumblr of headlines.
posted by dabitch at 3:56 PM on December 9, 2013


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