"No... No... No... N-wait... No..."
September 10, 2014 1:27 PM   Subscribe

Weird Things About Couples (a cute series of videos): • Weird Things All Couples DoWeird Things Couples do in Public [outtakes]Weird Things All Couples Fight About.
posted by quin (134 comments total) 34 users marked this as a favorite
 
The Weird Things All Couples All Couples Do In Public one was pretty charming.
posted by Nevin at 1:32 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


Cat songs DEFINITELY HAPPEN.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:40 PM on September 10, 2014 [22 favorites]


I saw the "fight about" one first and was like, "shit, somebody has a hidden camera at my house recording scripts". Especially the deciding on food thing, which I suspect might be the most universal of all of these. They're all pretty cute and funny though.
posted by kmz at 1:42 PM on September 10, 2014 [9 favorites]


Cute, but needs some gay couples in there.
posted by emjaybee at 1:46 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


Young couples perhaps. Older couples can cover all three videos silently with just a raised eyebrow, a shrug response and then the shared smile of knowing you have won at life.
posted by srboisvert at 1:48 PM on September 10, 2014 [18 favorites]


SPOILER ALERT:

"...Fight About" has loud chewing as the second thing.



Loud chewers don't get past half a first date.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:48 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


I was kind of prepared to be all "Feh, my wife and I don't do any of these" but then they covered a few things we do do and I laughed.

My wife usually cooks during the week and I cook during the weekend. We have an almost daily ritual where whoever is cooking asks the other "What do you want for dinner?", to which the other replies "Whatever you're making will be fine."

The one I don't understand is the toilet paper one. It's toilet paper, you wipe shit off your ass with it, what does it matter which way it hangs? I have never in my life had an opinion on that. As long as there is some there to use I'm happy. Our cats don't seem to be interested in it, they're too busy tearing the couch apart.
posted by bondcliff at 1:49 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Older couples can cover all three videos silently with just a raised eyebrow, a shrug response and then the shared smile of knowing you have won at life.

How can you win at life if you don't serenade your cat(s)?

That is, like, one of the main prizes.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:50 PM on September 10, 2014 [16 favorites]


Cute, but needs some gay couples in there.

Ummm... there's only one couple. And a (seemingly) interracial one at that.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:52 PM on September 10, 2014 [8 favorites]


I wasn't connecting on any of these until I got to the "Weird Things All Couples Fight About" and discovered I must be married to my teenage daughter.
posted by drlith at 1:55 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Babies will also stand in for cats, until they get old enough to protest your stupid singing.
posted by emjaybee at 1:55 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


It's toilet paper, you wipe shit off your ass with it, what does it matter which way it hangs?

Come on, we've plated those beans before on this very site.
posted by kmz at 1:55 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


It's toilet paper, you wipe shit off your ass with it, what does it matter which way it hangs?

Oh no what have you done
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:56 PM on September 10, 2014 [44 favorites]


Oh god the deciding on food thing. Try it when the indecisive party has a dire gastronomic disorder.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:56 PM on September 10, 2014 [12 favorites]


Well, yes, sparklemotion, but I would have liked to see gay and lesbian couples featured...you could use one for each of the videos. You wouldn't have to change the script...well maybe the one where the guy puts on her dress. It would just be nice, is all.
posted by emjaybee at 1:57 PM on September 10, 2014


About two thirds of fights in the Pterodactyl household revolve around 1) why he won't acknowledge how phenomenally awesome all my ideas are 2) whether or not Mr. Pterodactyl is the boss of me.

SPOILER ALERT: He is not the boss of me.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 1:58 PM on September 10, 2014 [49 favorites]


what does it matter which way it hangs?

how dare you
posted by poffin boffin at 2:01 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


HOW VERY DARE YOU
posted by poffin boffin at 2:01 PM on September 10, 2014 [15 favorites]


I feel like a lot of these is just "weird things humans do that become couple things by virtue of a couple containing two humans". I'm also glad Fancy is now in my arsenal of songs to sing to cats. I have so many songs I sing to cats.
posted by capricorn at 2:17 PM on September 10, 2014 [7 favorites]


I was so prepared to hate these but loved them. Accurate, and even for scenes that weren't familiar to me, so charming!
posted by misskaz at 2:19 PM on September 10, 2014


You people use toilet paper?
posted by benzenedream at 2:21 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


Cute, but needs some gay couples in there.
...
It would just be nice, is all.


Which one is it?

I mean, it would be one thing if all three of the videos had 3 different casts. Or if even a second couple was introduced somewhere. But did you complain that Romeo and Juliet didn't feature enough LGBT couples? I for one was disappointed by the lack of racial diversity in Brokeback Mountain.

You might as well ask why O Magazine never features a white woman (or a dude) on the cover.
posted by sparklemotion at 2:22 PM on September 10, 2014 [11 favorites]


One, having separate bathrooms cuts down on 58% of married strife and Two, if you are two men you may need to have a quick meeting before getting ready to make sure you not only don't wear the same thing but also that your outfits compliment each other.
posted by The Whelk at 2:27 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


Say what you will, but that man knows the proper mnemonic for parsing Bill Paxton vs. Bill Pullman. Game over, man.
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:29 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


I swear to God, I almost torpedoed a relationship over the toothpaste thing.
posted by angrycat at 2:29 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Some of the fights can be resolved completely. For instance, I never get to job out on choosing dinner.
posted by The Gaffer at 2:30 PM on September 10, 2014


I managed to color match a shirt I was wearing with my wife's dress a few months ago and holy shit everybody (including my wife) was so impressed. I... I think I might be a slob.
posted by kmz at 2:30 PM on September 10, 2014 [6 favorites]


Hahaha, we have the towel fight in my house all the time in almost exactly those words.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:31 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


What's all this talking during dinner and not watching movies together in rapt silence?
posted by The Whelk at 2:34 PM on September 10, 2014 [7 favorites]


Talking is for cocktails or eating out!
posted by The Whelk at 2:35 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh my god. Every. Single. Thing. We do every single one of them.

Well okay we sing a different song to the cat.
posted by like_a_friend at 2:38 PM on September 10, 2014 [13 favorites]


Maybe that's what impossibly cute and simpatico couples in Buzzfeed videos do. Real life? Not so much.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:41 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


Maybe that's what impossibly cute and simpatico couples in Buzzfeed videos do. Real life? Not so much.

That's funny because a lot of people have just said that this is very similar to actual fights they have.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 2:47 PM on September 10, 2014 [10 favorites]


About two thirds of fights in the Pterodactyl household revolve around 1) why he won't acknowledge how phenomenally awesome all my ideas are 2) whether or not Mr. Pterodactyl is the boss of me.

SPOILER ALERT: He is not the boss of me.


UPDATE: Now we are fighting about the accuracy of that spoiler alert. CLARIFICATION: He is not the boss of me.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 2:49 PM on September 10, 2014 [42 favorites]


3 months into my parents' relationship they got separate tubes of toothpaste and stopped playing chess against each other.

They have been married 45 years.
posted by poe at 2:52 PM on September 10, 2014 [37 favorites]


...but now i'm realizing the cat's name actually fits into the rhyme scheme for Fancy, and...I dunno.
posted by like_a_friend at 2:53 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


The food decision fight is especially fun when one partner has some strict dietary restrictions, and the answer to everything is "no, there's nothing I can eat there." THEN YOU DECIDE FFS!
posted by matildaben at 3:00 PM on September 10, 2014 [11 favorites]


Maybe that's what impossibly cute and simpatico couples in Buzzfeed videos do. Real life? Not so much.

Married couples should be engaged in drunken mind games with other people over nonexistent children as to slowly torture each other as god intended.
posted by The Whelk at 3:05 PM on September 10, 2014 [19 favorites]


My boyfriend and I are at the point where we're getting more-or-less the same haircut (short back and sides, long on top) as well as dressing pretty much the same. Many separate groups of people have commented on it. Apparently we're exhibiting the "urge to merge".
posted by fight or flight at 3:09 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


I wasn't sold at first,but then disrobed in the entryway and he said "I'll get the beers."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:17 PM on September 10, 2014 [9 favorites]


If I ever do anything resembling this, please make sure I place the correct end on the shotgun in my mouth.
posted by humboldt32 at 3:29 PM on September 10, 2014


I'm so curious what other people think about the "you bitch" and "shut up" comments in the video. I know it's played for laughs and delivered in a lighthearted manner, but I can't imagine. Couples speaking to each other like that is so foreign to me. In real life, I've only seen it in terrible relationships, or not-so-great ones, where it's "playful" but is actually seethingly passive aggressive and bitter.
posted by peep at 3:37 PM on September 10, 2014 [6 favorites]


It's not always rosy, and there are going to be ups and downs, but yes, it is possible to have a healthy, fun, respectful relationship with one's spouse/partner.
posted by Nevin at 3:49 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


I went in expecting these to be amusingly familiar, and instead it was a bunch of behaviors that were pretty much totally unlike any I've ever participated in.
posted by kyrademon at 3:52 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


"What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't know. You pick something."
"How about Mexican?"
"No, not that."
"How about Chinese then?"
"Nah."
"Okay, then what do you want?"
"I don't know. You pick something."
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:55 PM on September 10, 2014 [11 favorites]


It's toilet paper ... what does it matter which way it hangs?

So, when did you join Al Qaeda?
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:58 PM on September 10, 2014 [8 favorites]


Oh, middle class straight people and their foibles!
posted by erlking at 4:01 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


These are cute but basically “Weird Things About Childless Couples.” Couples with kids fight about pizza topping on Date Night as foreplay.
posted by axoplasm at 4:03 PM on September 10, 2014 [12 favorites]


The stuff couples do in public is completely incomprehensible to me cause it's full of things I don't do like cars and malls and supermarkets and going to people's houses.

Now if you wanted to talk about making passive-aggressive comments about a mutual friend from across the reception room we can talk.
posted by The Whelk at 4:08 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


I'm so curious what other people think about the "you bitch" and "shut up" comments in the video. I know it's played for laughs and delivered in a lighthearted manner, but I can't imagine. Couples speaking to each other like that is so foreign to me. In real life, I've only seen it in terrible relationships, or not-so-great ones, where it's "playful" but is actually seethingly passive aggressive and bitter.

Tone of voice is everything, though. We only don't say those things because we have a child with exceptional hearing who will immediately chastise us for using bad words.

When we are out without him, we have to cuss extra hard to make up for it.
posted by emjaybee at 4:08 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


I'm so curious what other people think about the "you bitch" and "shut up" comments in the video.

My wife often refers to me as a dumbass (which may or may not be true), to which I will often respond with 'shrew' (which is not at all true). Then we kiss.

Your mileage may vary, but not all terms of endearment are, well, endearing.
posted by Mooski at 4:14 PM on September 10, 2014 [13 favorites]


The first time I saw my husband do laundry I knew he would be the one dealing with his clothes forever if we continued in our relationship. I belong to the throw everything in one pile in the closet club, and he....he folded his underwear. He actually folded them! Nicely! and smoothed them all out and put them away in separate little compartments in his dresser. *shudder* Okay, buddy. You're just going to wear them again, but go ahead and care. (We also do the separate toothpaste thing cuz he had the same reaction to my grab and squeeze method.)

That's how one prevents fights, by acknowledging the other person is a weirdo and just separate it out so they can do the things they want done with their own things. And be with someone who puts the TP roll on the right way. It doesn't matter?! Someone who doesn't put the TP roll on the right way is as big a dealbreaker as...as...as finding out the person you're dating doesn't read. Yeah!

Seriously, though, most of that stuff, except for the what to eat for dinner thing, seems like the kind of things you work out in the first few months you live together. If your partner cares and you don't, then you make the effort to try and care too out of respect for them. Or you work out some arrangement wherein you don't drive each other crazy.
posted by barchan at 4:16 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Yes, my husband can actually fold things and clearly cares about it more so I just do what he says.

The only fight I've had from that video is "what to eat." which I always with "I am going to pick and yiu can't complain cause you forfeit by not picking." and that works.

Also cause I always pick pizza.
posted by The Whelk at 4:18 PM on September 10, 2014


Continually surprised by how much more of a bro my wife is than I. Of course she was actually an athlete in high school and college and I was very much not.
posted by fraxil at 4:19 PM on September 10, 2014


Werid thing this Couple Does In Public: drift into using archaic Russian slang as cue words for when we want to be escaped or leave tedious social obligations without causing offense.
posted by The Whelk at 4:21 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Carbon baby, you are a cat...
Carbon baby, you are jet black....
Carbon baby, you're carbon-ar-bor-iferous too
do do, to do... do do...
repeat


I hate when she won't pick but shoots down everything


The TP goes under because....
1. It is the way she likes it
2. The cats play with it and unroll it if you do it the other way
3. I'm the person who puts the new roll on 98% of the time


I do the laundry ;-)
posted by MikeWarot at 4:24 PM on September 10, 2014


It's toilet paper ... what does it matter which way it hangs?

Exactly, it doesn't matter. As long as you stand up to wipe.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 4:25 PM on September 10, 2014 [6 favorites]


Wow. I just watched all three of these. I've been with the same person for 34 years and we do not do any of these things. Seriously. It's as though we heard all the "women do this, men do that" stuff and resolved to just not be those people.

Which makes me kind of sad for some of the more fun stuff.

PS Nobody sings to the cats but I do on occasion perform dramatic readings which they appear to enjoy.
posted by kinnakeet at 4:27 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


Tone of voice is everything, though. We only don't say those things because we have a child with exceptional hearing who will immediately chastise us for using bad words.

When we are out without him, we have to cuss extra hard to make up for it.


Oh, we cuss. And to be quite honest, we swear in front of the 8 year old, too. And he swears, but sparingly and only when appropriate (haha). He's well aware that it's not appropriate almost anywhere else & he's likely to get in trouble elsewhere for it.

But name calling is something else. "This fucking remote" is way different from "fuck you." And "shut up" just sets my teeth on edge. I just cannot stand it.
posted by peep at 4:28 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


The what-to-do-for-dinner conversation is harrowing and inevitable, but I have put to use a strategy I found somewhere on here (AskMe?): the 5-3-1 rule.

Person 1: chooses 5 options, all acceptable to them
Person 2: narrows to 3 options, all acceptable to them
Person 3: makes final decision out of remaining options

This is derailed when Person 1 proposes fewer than 3 acceptable options. Or when no one can think of anything because they're too hungry. But it sometimes avoids the spiral.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 4:29 PM on September 10, 2014 [7 favorites]


the what-to-do for dinner conversation is toned down considerably when you show up with a 2-week meal plan that incorporates lunches and leftovers and a STERN WARNING about deviating from said plan.
posted by The Whelk at 4:38 PM on September 10, 2014 [5 favorites]


So if I tell my spouse (or a close friend, or relative), "I will cut you!" Or use violent swears from popular movies and graphic novels I'm "name calling" and not playing?

Peep, we can never be together.

Our respective spouses will have to outlive us because you I would not work.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:45 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


Exactly, it doesn't matter. As long as you stand up to wipe.

Let me tell you a story. The year was 2007...
posted by bondcliff at 4:57 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


...but now i'm realizing the cat's name actually fits into the rhyme scheme for Fancy, and...I dunno.

My cat's name is Franz. We call him (among other things) Franzy. We're screwed.
posted by Itaxpica at 5:00 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Franzyyyyy just look around meeeeee
if you will Franzyyyy
All the cats you seeeeee
Alllll wayyyyys

[end hugo largo free assoc.]
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 5:06 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


These parts of having a relationship seem more appealing than the actual sex part of one.

You people use toilet paper?

AAA<big>AAA<big>AAA<big>AAA<big>AAA<big>AAA<big>....
posted by JHarris at 5:09 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


(especially the cat singing part)
posted by JHarris at 5:10 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


About 80% of those could have been lifted from my household, and I'm not even married. Just permanently house-mated. Especially the singing to cats, dinner-not-choosing, toilet-paper-putting-on-spindles, and noping-out-of-every-channel.

"You bitch," "you fucking bitch," "fuck you," "fuck off," and "you shut up and leave me alone," "you fuckhead," "shut the hell up" and "I'm gonna punch you in the face!" are frequent, friendly exchanges in our house, almost always accompanied by laughter. We tease and pick on each other a lot, just because it's fun and we find each other hilarious.

In fact, if we're NOT swearing... that's when you know the fight is serious.
posted by kythuen at 5:19 PM on September 10, 2014 [6 favorites]


My version of the eating out one is not with my girlfriend but my girlfriend's 15-year-old daughter, who says, "I don't care, you choose," every single time, and then when we get to the restaurant says, "I'm just not going to eat, I don't like anything here." Then she eats ramen at home. Haha, teenagers.
posted by Huck500 at 5:24 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


A long, long while ago, I stopped bothering putting the bog paper (TP? Really?) into the holder, and just let it sit on top. You always need two hands to tear the stuff off, and the whole replacement ritual is at least ten seconds longer if you've clipped it in. So why bother?

Some time later, I realised that this also removes the whole 'which way around' bone of contention.

My partner of 10+ years reached the same conclusion before we met, so it looks - mirabile dictu - that we have dodged that particular bullet through convergent evolution of higher consciousness.
posted by Devonian at 5:26 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


You know you could just use a sponge and some vinegar. It's retro.
posted by angerbot at 5:28 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Here is a song for you about annoying your cat with too much affection, Itaxpica. Apologies to Screamin' Jay Hawkins.

Franzy!
Dig this crazy cat I drug in
Listen to his claws as he starts to spin
"Scritch!" Then I kiss him, and do it again
Our cat is Franzy! Harr-b-b-b-*bellysnorgle* Harr-b-b-b-*bellysnorgle*

Watch his eyes when I finally get up ... bling!
Listen to him whine while the can opener grinds
When I rub him, he purrs right up
Our cat is Franzy! Harr-b-b-b-*bellysnorgle* FRANZY! Harr-b-b-b-*bellysnorgle*

Ow! Blood gushes from my arm
Like a water from a spout, d-r-r-riip!
You made a gash with your tiny claws
Now the bandaids must come out

Yeah, ease my mind as you recline
Kitty, coat my laundry with fur feline
Then I say you're mine, all mine
Our cat is Franzy! Harr-b-b-b-*bellysnorgle* Harr-b-b-b-*bellysnorgle*
posted by adipocere at 5:45 PM on September 10, 2014 [12 favorites]


My fiancee and I are childless middle-class white people, so these foibles felt relevant and apropos. I will say that they spend a lot more time wearing clothes for, like, no goddamned reason, and that they don't seem to be drunk or calling each other racist, so I wonder if they're having relationship trouble.
posted by klangklangston at 5:55 PM on September 10, 2014 [15 favorites]


OMG FOLD THE TOWELS PROPERLY I HAVE SHOWED YOU 10 TIMES AND YOU'VE SAID YOU HAVE IT DOWN BUT STILL THEY ARE FOLDED WRONG *DIES DEAD*

These were cute.
posted by weeyin at 5:57 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


My husband's Native American name is Speaks For Cats. "Mommy! You're home! Feed me, Mommy!" my cats apparently say.
posted by Peach at 6:46 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Oh, and we have been married 38 years, and for casual endearments he is, to me (in a kind of snort), "jackass," and I (said very quietly, in a kind of hissing giggle) am "bitch."
posted by Peach at 6:52 PM on September 10, 2014


I belong to the throw everything in one pile in the closet club, and he....he folded his underwear.

My wife was in the Army for 11 years. I.... am going to have some adjusting to do when we're finally not in a commuter marriage anymore. (There's a proper way to fold boxer shorts. I had no idea.)
posted by joycehealy at 7:00 PM on September 10, 2014


Now if you wanted to talk about making passive-aggressive comments about a mutual friend from across the reception room we can talk


It's not represented in the video, but that is mostly what we do.


Adipocere, the fact that you wrote bellysnorgles into the lyrics indicates you are a Master of Catsong.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:03 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


These felt all too familiar. Except the gf cringes when I belt out show tunes in the kitchen. (Also, revival Sweeney Todd?! Please.)

As for name calling, I think I am more guilty of that than she is. If she doesn't pay attention to what I'm saying and replies, "What?", I throw back the SNL Jeapardy "your mother's a whore!". I am not sure what this says about our relationship except that I am probably lucky it still exists.
posted by backseatpilot at 7:05 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


My husband and I have done that exact Sweeney Todd thing in the car. Exactly.
posted by Malla at 7:05 PM on September 10, 2014


Sometimes it takes some adjustment. I am prone to throwing out horrific, appalling threats for no reason. (Friend captures my piece in a board game. Me: "I will murder you and eat your children.") I have had to rein in my tendencies slightly, and my spouse has learned (entirely too well, aggravatingly) that it's when I'm smiling and agreeing that I'm actually thinking for-serious Bad Thoughts about whomever I'm with.
posted by Scattercat at 7:08 PM on September 10, 2014


... just let it sit on top ... I realised that this also removes the whole 'which way around' bone of contention.

Thus began the Pull From The Left / Pull From The Right Wars.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:18 PM on September 10, 2014


Separate bathrooms. Solves the problem.
posted by Peach at 7:27 PM on September 10, 2014


Separate bathrooms. Solves the problem.

But we can't afford a house with more than one. :(
posted by asnider at 7:37 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


Use the neighbor's.
posted by Peach at 7:51 PM on September 10, 2014 [10 favorites]


Having conversations via the animals is basically one of the core concepts of my marriage. As is singing the Buffy musical in the car. We're still married because of two bathrooms.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:58 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


I liked them (which is why I posted them), but my one real complaint was the cat singing. You don't just sing with a cat, you have to make them dance as well.

Because then you add in the temporal challenge of how long it takes a placid sleepy cat to become and angry twisty cat. The longer you can go and the more complicated dance moves you can achieve are how you demonstrate your mastery of Cat Dance.
posted by quin at 8:02 PM on September 10, 2014 [11 favorites]


Fights I have lost include toilet paper, which—much like Schroedinger's cat—must live simultaneously on the roll (hung any which way, who cares) AND not on the roll—perhaps on the floor next to the toilet, or perched on the tank lid out of sight and reach of anyone sitting on the throne.

If I quietly put away the extra roll because, seriously, again with the toilet paper? Out it comes once more.
posted by emelenjr at 8:55 PM on September 10, 2014


Taco Bell, wow. If I'd married a woman who tolerated me going to Taco Bell, much less enjoyed going with me late at night after parties, I would most certainly not be alive today.

None of this really rang true. This is more like things people who've been in a relationship for a year do. By this time we tolerate each other's incorrect way of folding sweaters and if we're ordering in, we don't even involve the other person, I just pick out something she *might* want and she can order her own damn dinner if she wants. There are plenty of nights 2 drivers show up and I have tomorrow's lunch all packed ahead of time. And *everyone* sings to their cats.

Also, I am still astounded that there are couples who fart in front of each other. We've been covered in the shit of two toddlers, we've puked on each other in our illnesses, but this is a no-fart household. The other day I had horrible gas, was exhausted from being up all night, and without thinking I let one go in the next room. My immediate thought was "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HAS IT COME TO THIS??!"
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:28 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


Also, I am still astounded that there are couples who fart in front of each other.

How do you live? Have you never driven a long distance together? What about in hotel rooms at night?

This is more like things people who've been in a relationship for a year do.

Nah, been with Mrs. Machine for about holy crap five years now, and we definitely still have the "what are we going to eat" conversation on the regular, and argh why does she not put the hangers on the end of the closet rack when she takes s̢҉̸̼͈͍̳̠̮̦ó̴̝̰͓̫̤̭̼m̢̧̳e̡̝̘͚͡ͅt̛̪̬̲̜͓̩͕͍h̝̭̱̫̀͟i̘̦͖̕n̫̺̙͉̪̕g̬͙͇̩̟͉͈̕͜ͅ ̷̹͓̫͎̠̻o̸͔u̵̪̖̪͖̜̟̘͢t̷̡̠̱̰͖̼́?̣̣͔̖͟!͚͎̪͓͙

È̉̄͆͐̓͗̉ͧͭ͊͂ͨ͢͡҉͓̟̗̺͎̰͘͢V̧̼͍̬͇̤̪͇̼̺̓̋͌̈́ͬ͊ͯ́̂ͯͬ͋ͦ̂̀́ͨ͗Ȩ̘̦̻̘̤̮̱̞̝̘̳͔͔͕̺͇̐͛̄ͥ͛ͅR̒ͦ̍͗͌͑̌ͭͫ̍̏̊͒̀͏̖͍̩̣̤̞̪̱͚̝̬̠͓̦̜͙͠͞Y̢̨̯̞̫̦͕͕̘̘̹̘̹̣ͭ͆͋͐́ͣͯ̚͘̕̕T̨͍͍ͫ̋ͤ̔̃̇̍̈̃̉͌̔̋̒͒͂ͫ͞ͅH̵̨̛͇̲̼̲̤͚̮̯̼̗̳̥̳̹̗̫̅̃ͮ͋̽͋̄͋ͭ̐̀̄̑̄̉͐ͩ͒̀͠ͅI̘͈̪͕̎͛ͩ̏̍͋ͪ̓̈́͐̓͛̐̄̚͟͞͝Nͭ̈́̽͆͆̆ͩͭ̀͘҉͕͇̩̹̠̰̠̱̼G̨̲̝̪̮̭̰͉̬͊͆ͨͯ̉͟ ̢̪͇̥͎̤̖̟ͩͯ͊͗̈́͂̀͑ͭ̕͢͠I̴̸͔͓̯̳̗̳̠̰̫̲̗̗̪͔̐͋̀͌͜͡͠ͅŚ̐ͤ̎͂̍͌͋҉̶̫͓̺̞̝̦̟̲̫̱̪̺̺̜̻ ̡̳̜̲̫͓̼̟̳͕̞̰̱̩̥̲͍̓̏ͩͪ̌ͮ̋̿̐͘͘͡W̨̨̜͇̬̤̍͐ͪ̎͑̌́͜͡ͅŖ̴̢̠͉̯͚̙͕̯ͭ̍̐ͮ̊̾̽̈́ͨ̿̃ͨ͝͠ͅỜ̛̗̥̱͉̜͉͕̞̣̞͔̹̘̣̦͓ͦ̈ͩ̄̀͞͠N͍͖̗̩̣̝̯̦͉̘̪̅̏̌ͯ̾͑̉ͬͨ̽̒̔̾̔̊ͬ̓͢͡G̽̎̆ͣ̑̋̆ͩͣ̋̚̚͏̖̬̠͚͔̮̪͓̺̺̮̦́͢͜͡ͅ

posted by sonic meat machine at 9:48 PM on September 10, 2014 [8 favorites]


The what-to-do-for-dinner conversation is harrowing and inevitable, but I have put to use a strategy I found somewhere on here (AskMe?): the 5-3-1 rule.

I'm also a fan of the 3-2-1 rule, where the first person suggests 3 options, the second person either picks one, or rules out one leaving two options, in which case the first person then picks from those. Everyone's involved, nobody needs to make the decision unilaterally, and nobody has to come up with 5 different options.
posted by JiBB at 9:57 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


Whoa, as a recently single person that kind of cut a little deeper than I thought it would.
posted by elwoodwiles at 10:20 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


You solve the dinner problem by making enthusiastic suggestions that the other person will never go for, until they give up and pick something pleasant (or surprise you and say yes to eating prepackaged cake in the parking lot of Safeway or the soup-and-breadsticks combo at the Target cafe.) Works with all the genders and relationships because a sudden turn in the direction of DO NOT WANT will usually clarify a DO WANT. Also works for arguments about home decor but the trick is you have to only suggest things that are no more than 10% joking about, because there is a slim chance they will go for whatever weird thing you suggest.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:29 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


I thought starving because dinner gets delayed for hours due to a never-ending loop of, "What do you want to do for dinner?", "I don't know what do you want to do?", "I always pick, can't you just pick for once?", "You never like what I pick","That's because you always pick things I don't like", "Then you pick", "Well, what do you feel like?", "I'm fine with anything,what are you in the mood for?", "I don't care just tell me what you want", "How about the Vietnamese place?", "THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE YOU EVER WANT TO GO TO AND YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE IT!"...was a cutesy, unique thing specific to my marriage, but I guess not so much.
posted by The Gooch at 11:07 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


To those insisting that only couples in the first flush of youth or who've been together a year do this: we've been having the "make dinner or pub or leftovers?" "I don't care" "I don't want to make dinner" "I don't want to go to the pub" "I don't want leftovers" "Now what?" "Order in?" "I don't want to order in, I was happy with leftovers" fight for fifteen years. With minor variations.

I'd still rather have this fight with him than with anyone else on the planet. Although if you come over, we'll share if you want.
posted by gingerest at 11:38 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


drlith: "discovered I must be married to my teenage daughter"

wait .. what?
posted by TheLittlePrince at 1:26 AM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


We do share a bathroom but definitely not toothpaste. She doesn't like my Tom's and I can't stand the overly sweet stuff that she uses.
posted by octothorpe at 4:14 AM on September 11, 2014


Some of you may have seen my ask me plea, "HELP ME DEWAX MY CAT." Well, the waxing of the cat occurred with the object of my affections, and it was some fucking couple cute overload, what with the great concern for the cat and joint washing and drying of the cat and laughing at the cat and then my great concern that there was wax everyplace including over his computer stuff and his great solicitude in easing my worries.

I mean, if my single self had been in the room my single self would have gone home early, because hell no being around that.
posted by angrycat at 4:16 AM on September 11, 2014 [2 favorites]


The couple fights are so on the nose, down to the spontaneous and totally irrational/defensive justifications ('the cat doesn't get at it if it's near the wall').

I don't why, when my boyfriend calls me on not replacing the loo roll or not refilling the water filter I scramble for any reason why it is totally not my fault instead of the truthful and reasonable reply of 'sorry, I forgot, thanks for reminding me'.
posted by dumdidumdum at 4:32 AM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


3 months into my parents' relationship they got separate tubes of toothpaste and stopped playing chess against each other.
My husband recently got prescribed special toothpaste that I am not allowed to use. It's reduced a remarkable level of RAGE when I brush my teeth.
posted by like_neon at 4:58 AM on September 11, 2014


I've shared bathrooms (and toothpaste) most of my life and I don't understand what the toothpaste thing is about? What is making people mad? In the video, they were going off about the "where you squeeze the tube" thing -- is that the problem? Not only have I never gotten pissed about that, what's weirder is that nobody has ever gotten pissed at me about that. Hmm. Maybe the people I've known have been even less uptight than I'd previously realized.

On the other hand, putting the toilet paper on top of the toilet is freaking annoying. I don't want to have to twist all around and maybe drop the toilet paper on the floor before I can finish up. Please just put it on the holder like a civilized person. Worse is going into public restrooms and seeing the almost-done little roll of TP sitting on top of the toilet tank, because you know that thing has been all over the floor and probably even got stepped on at some point, but there's not enough left on the roll to just throw a handful of it away and...DILEMMA.

Anyway, I found this couple kind of weird. Not INCONCEIVABLE-level weird, but not that relateable. Why is the woman obsessed with everything fitting into its perfect little spot in the apartment (the shoes, the dirty cup, the towels)? Why is the man so passive (/aggressive) (with the indecisiveness about dinner, and about the TV channels, and the story about not saying the right thing in which his girlfriend basically told herself the story anyway because he wasn't just passive in that scene he was being META-passive, and getting all grumpy when she was eating their random leftovers but then when she called him on calling her a bitch he just muttered that he hadn't said anything). I dunno about these folks. I feel like she'd be really quick to label you and he wouldn't have your back.

OH JEEZ and now I wonder what someone would say my fights mean about me. Lately, they're usually about someone else drinking the last of the coffee and involve me rattling the cafetiere super loudly but not saying actually saying anything because OMG why get this het up over coffee even it's kind of embarrassing, plus why should I be the one to get the last of the coffee anyway?
posted by rue72 at 5:19 AM on September 11, 2014


My fifteen year relationship looks EXACTLY like this. To the point where, on the phone to my dude an hour ago, I mentioned these videos and he said 'I've seen those! THAT IS US HOW ARE THEY DOING THAT WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?'

Including and especially the being amusingly rude to each other. He doesn't call me a bitch in anger or anything like that, but i'm prone to hissing 'you are the worst human THE WORST' at him when he puts an empty bottle back into the fridge (oh, the rage). And i've definitely done the 'JERK i mean *cough cough* I said nothing ahem' thing before.

When I come upon a collection of free-floating xbox discs, sitting merrily a metre from their cases, he will return to find me brandishing one and saying 'I WILL CUT YOU.'

And he, in turn, will tell me that Hitler has nothin' on me on the occasions that I park in that one parking space in our apartment complex that he doesn't like. And so on.

Saccharine is just not our thing. I'm never more affectionate than when i'm howling 'You are such an asshole! The most obscene of assholes!'

I'm sure there's a lot of people like us out there, name-calling isn't - in and of itself - a terrible sign, really.
posted by pseudonymph at 5:42 AM on September 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


I love this but even in my 5 year marriage I would consider it a crisis if I were called a bitch over leftovers.

Over anything, really.
posted by Tarumba at 5:46 AM on September 11, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh, middle class straight people and their foibles!

Yo, I don't know what income or gender has to do with not wanting to trip over your partner's shoes in the middle of the night, because oh god the dropping-shoes-right-by-the-bed thing was something we had words about just last week and I assure you I am just as gay as you are.
posted by psoas at 6:37 AM on September 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


#NotAllCouples
posted by LizBoBiz at 6:38 AM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


this is like a window into my 7 year relationship (with a decade of friendship before). i think the bitch thing might be a temperament thing, there is never an ounce of malice when we name call like that, even if it is over eating the last chocotaco. we also will say, "i'm telling metafilter!" along with, "racist!" for all manner of tiny things.
posted by nadawi at 6:39 AM on September 11, 2014 [5 favorites]


The Whelk: "What's all this talking during dinner and not watching movies together in rapt silence?"

Talking during dinner is fine but for god's sake, don't talk during breakfast. Breakfast is time for staring contemplatively at your coffee and trying your best to ignore the fact that there's a whole day ahead of you.
posted by octothorpe at 7:02 AM on September 11, 2014 [7 favorites]


Wait actual breakfast or sitting in bed drinking coffee and reading the day's headlines?

Actual breakfast conversation is limited to bits of SCANDALOUS GOSSIP one has read.
posted by The Whelk at 7:30 AM on September 11, 2014


"The problem is communication; too much communication" --Homer Simpson
posted by Renoroc at 7:35 AM on September 11, 2014


On the "bitch" thing, it's so totally context. Examples.

Childhood context: fundamentalist parents with permanently-ingrained misogyny who never took me to the doctor for shit that literally could have killed me.
"You are a whore! You deserve to die and go to hell!"
Evaluation: very not cool.
Response: following approximately 20 years of saying "that is not cool and I will not accept it if you continue," I no longer speak to parents.

Adult context: awesome friends amongst whom none of us would ever dream of hurting each other.
"You are a whore! You deserve to die and go to hell!"
Evaluation: awesome friends who are teasing me about eyeing a hawt biker in tight leathers.
Response: "yes I am, did you see his butt? All the cool people are going to be in hell. Hot party."
posted by fraula at 7:36 AM on September 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


we also will say, "i'm telling metafilter!" along with, "racist!" for all manner of tiny things.

Those are absolutely the two most common threats in our household.
posted by like_a_friend at 7:40 AM on September 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


It's toilet paper ... what does it matter which way it hangs?

Exactly, it doesn't matter. As long as you stand up to wipe.


Jesus, do you also wait for the "RE: RE: Re: RE: RE: FW: Re: ATTENTION ALL" shit to settle down before replying all UNSUBSCRIBE?
posted by disconnect at 7:43 AM on September 11, 2014


Oh. Oh, dear. All this time I've been spending trying to get my partner on Metafilter, it didn't occur to me that he could tell on me if he were here. Crap. I need to start backpedalling on that, fast.
posted by Stacey at 7:43 AM on September 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


I don't think you can live together without a few petty fights to blow off steam. So long as they are balanced by the fun stuff, it's unimportant. We usually both say "I'm sorry" and "I'm an asshole," after anything more than minor sniping.

The hardest thing about long-term relationships is that you have to change up your in-jokes, because you both wear them out. Neither of us can quote Monty Python anymore and get more than a smile; we've worn that shit out.
posted by emjaybee at 7:59 AM on September 11, 2014


The reason you don't just balance the TP roll on top of the holder is because, depending on the size of your bathroom and if you got the super-mega-giant roll size and if you don't put the toilet lid down, it can end up falling into the toilet and fishing an entire soggy roll of toilet paper out of the toilet is no fun.

Thankfully this event was long ago with a different partner and current partner not only always replaces the roll but joins me in putting the toilet lid down after use.
posted by misskaz at 8:02 AM on September 11, 2014


I've been in the same relationship for nearly 24 years, and almost everything in the fighting video applied to us.

And put me in the camp of couples who say horrible things to each other with love. "Shut the hell up" is my common retort when I've realized I'm wrong about something, and she knows it too. We regularly call each other bee-yotch and say things like "I will fong you!" I guess everyone is different.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 8:55 AM on September 11, 2014


Oh god, the lid-leaver-uppers. They are so terrible and wrong and terribly wrong that I don't even understand anything about their existence, about how they live their lives in this wild dissolute fashion. What other madly unnecessary risks are they casually taking in their day to day lives? Nude cooking of bacon? Jamming a paper clip into a light socket and just licking it idly? Throwing rocks at lions while wearing trousers made of raw meat? Why not just fling all your worldly possessions directly into the open maw of the toilet rather than wait for the inevitable, you sanity apostates.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:17 AM on September 11, 2014 [4 favorites]


IF THE LID WASN'T MEANT TO BE DOWN WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE IT HUH?!?!

We're not camping, we can allow some small dignity to the home.
posted by The Whelk at 9:24 AM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


otherwise we might as well be using the public latrines in the center of town where infames excrete alongside senators all using the same communal wiping sponge on a stick

madness
posted by poffin boffin at 9:33 AM on September 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


The proper position for the seat/lid apparatus is seat down, lid up. Because the toilet should always be ready to receive an emergency poop.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:42 AM on September 11, 2014


The hardest thing about long-term relationships is that you have to change up your in-jokes, because you both wear them out. Neither of us can quote Monty Python anymore and get more than a smile; we've worn that shit out.

That's when you need to have a kid, so you can introduce the in-jokes to the next generation. All our in-jokes have been renewed for at least another decade.
posted by Daily Alice at 9:57 AM on September 11, 2014 [4 favorites]


you sanity apostates

I'm a guilty lid-leaver-upper because the thought of having to touch (!) the lid (!!) with my bare hands (!!!) at any point makes me want to climb the walls. Yes I still always flush, yes I wash my hands, no I don't understand my subconscious.

The real dividing line in my house is whether or not to flush after peeing. My boyfriend is all about "if it's yellow, let it mellow" but I think having to walk into a cloud of fermented pee stink in the middle of the night is gross so I yell at him to flush when he's done from the bedroom like I'm his mother. Oy.
posted by fight or flight at 10:05 AM on September 11, 2014


That's when you need to have a kid, so you can introduce the in-jokes to the next generation. All our in-jokes have been renewed for at least another decade.

He's 8 and terribly easily embarrassed. I am not quite ready to expose him to the spicier bits of Python just yet. Something about being this age, dignity is just way too important right now. It will pass.

By 12 though; I'm thinking at the latest, we can watch Holy Grail, and then start in on the series.
posted by emjaybee at 11:19 AM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


That's when you need to have a kid

Or get another cat. Then you have to figure out what to name the cat. Then you have to make you new songs for the cat because her name will go with different sounds. (Like my Schroedinger's "Schro, we're halfway there, Schro, living on a prayer" just doesn't work for my Gigi. We're actually having a lot of trouble with Gigi songs other than the actual song "Gigi.")

A new cat adds years to the life of a relationship. I'm pretty sure that's science. Somehow.
posted by Stacey at 12:08 PM on September 11, 2014 [4 favorites]


Nude cooking of bacon can be exhilarating. Although I do usually at least wear pants or shorts as I try to visually identify the coolest bits so that I can flip it with my bare fingers.
posted by Earthtopus at 1:38 PM on September 11, 2014


People, cook your bacon in the oven, you can fit more in, get perfectly even crisp slices, and don't have to worry if your robe is open during cooking.
posted by The Whelk at 1:50 PM on September 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


As an inveterate nude scrapple fryer, I can tell you one more reason scrapple is the grey meat of the gods.
posted by sonascope at 2:01 PM on September 11, 2014


Kitty hold onto me
Whatever will be will be
The future has kitty treats
When you hold onto me

posted by bakerina at 3:50 PM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


This makes me really happy that my SO and I have always used different tubes of toothpaste, and always will (not because of the squeeze issue, but because she uses that stupid natural crap).
posted by breakin' the law at 3:52 PM on September 11, 2014


I swear, one of the main reasons I bought my current house is because it has a mother in law suite, thus there is one full shower bathroom that is mine and mine alone. It is a testosterone free zone where the toilet paper is hung correctly, the toothpaste is appropriately squeezed, and there's a seating area in the shower for my cat to supervise the bathing of her pet human.

That said, going on 18 years of marriage and we still have the dinner fight if I don't have a menu planned.
posted by dejah420 at 5:22 PM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


All you afraid of nude bacon frying type people are just Not Hairy Enough. Fur! It protects!
posted by aspo at 8:16 PM on September 11, 2014


Stacey: (Like my Schroedinger's "Schro, we're halfway there, Schro, living on a prayer" just doesn't work for my Gigi. We're actually having a lot of trouble with Gigi songs other than the actual song "Gigi.")

Gigi Gigi, baby baby!
posted by pseudonymph at 9:08 PM on September 11, 2014


Dog songs, people. The cat has no use for your human "singing".
posted by Kreiger at 11:18 AM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]


But the cat makes funnier faces when you make him dance.
posted by Stacey at 12:06 PM on September 12, 2014


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