Useless Toilet Paper Machine
December 4, 2014 5:05 PM   Subscribe

 
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!
posted by surazal at 5:11 PM on December 4, 2014 [6 favorites]


That is a... vigorous... blade.

I will note, like the dispensers in my institution, this is mounted at an ill-considered height and would likely shave one's thighs during actual use. Which might be a bonus for some, I suppose.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:17 PM on December 4, 2014


¯\_("o)_/¯
"There has to be a better way!!"
posted by Atom Eyes at 5:20 PM on December 4, 2014 [6 favorites]


Fuck you, wall.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 5:24 PM on December 4, 2014 [7 favorites]


I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I try using only 3 squares of toilet paper.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:26 PM on December 4, 2014 [13 favorites]


I enjoyed this very much.

Be sure to check out the Useless Wireless Hat and Duck videos as well.
posted by audi alteram partem at 5:27 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


I hate to pigeonhole this guy just 'cause of the Canadian accent, but this feels like Red Green at its best. I like it a lot!
posted by Greg Nog at 5:32 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]


But you can't use toilet paper if it's still attached...

Not with that attitude you can't.
posted by ODiV at 5:33 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


But you can't use toilet paper if it's still attached...

ODiV: Not with that attitude you can't.

Hell, on some days I need to attach two rolls of toilet paper together before I can use it.
posted by surazal at 5:38 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


yes. this is precisely why I signed on here.
posted by bird internet at 5:42 PM on December 4, 2014 [8 favorites]


Now that wildly-swinging blade is one way to ensure nobody squats while they poop at your house.
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 5:43 PM on December 4, 2014


don't you mean, everybody?
posted by rebent at 5:46 PM on December 4, 2014


This right here is exactly what I needed. Suddenly life is worth living again.
posted by poe at 5:53 PM on December 4, 2014


Finally! The dog will learn to stop unspooling the toilet paper.
posted by fshgrl at 5:56 PM on December 4, 2014


fshgrl: Finally! The dog will learn to stop unspooling the toilet paper.

Sadly, the cat just gained further incentive
posted by surazal at 5:58 PM on December 4, 2014 [10 favorites]


Three squares?


This fellow has clearly never eaten a poutine at 3am after drinking Labatt 50 all night, and then had to deal with the consequences in the morning.

Therefore, I suspect he is from Minnesota, or perhaps the UP.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:05 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


Now that wildly-swinging blade is one way to ensure nobody squats while they poop at your house.

First, is the path of God: Only the penitent man shall pass

Finally! The dog will learn to stop unspooling the toilet paper.

Sadly, the cat just gained further incentive


Second, is the word of God: Only in the footsteps of God, shall he proceed.

This fellow has clearly never eaten a poutine at 3am after drinking Labatt 50 all night, and then had to deal with the consequences in the morning.

Last is the breath of God.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:07 PM on December 4, 2014 [23 favorites]


I love it so much, not least because it could behead one of my kids in the process...
posted by greenhornet at 6:15 PM on December 4, 2014


Betcha there's a model in Japan that already has this feature, if not with this much awesome.
posted by RolandOfEld at 6:21 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


stabby stabbity!!! yaaaay!

do not wipe arse profligately with remaining hand
posted by lalochezia at 6:39 PM on December 4, 2014


Therefore, I suspect he is from Minnesota, or perhaps the UP.

He's from Toronto, TheWhiteSkull. Sorry.
posted by maudlin at 6:40 PM on December 4, 2014


So I'm the only one bothered by the fact that, by driving the roll on the central spindle, the length dispensed will get shorter and shorter as the roll goes down?
posted by benito.strauss at 6:40 PM on December 4, 2014 [6 favorites]


Well that is the main problem of course.
posted by fshgrl at 6:46 PM on December 4, 2014 [17 favorites]


He's from Toronto, TheWhiteSkull. Sorry.


Ever since amalgamation, this city has just gone to hell in a handbasket. Three squares of toilet paper? What next? Leaving half-empty beers on the table at the end of the night? Not taking your boots off when you go to a house party?


THANKS MIKE HARRIS
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:47 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


Well, it is called a Useless Toilet Paper Machine. Lives up to whats on the tin.
posted by 724A at 6:56 PM on December 4, 2014


The Useless Wireless Hat is probably one of the best things I've ever seen.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 7:07 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]


just 3 squares?!what does he think we are ? Wombats?
posted by TheLittlePrince at 7:21 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


People always argue: do you hang the toilet paper like this...

o__

or like this ...

__o

... ?

...Let King Solomon's Toilet Paper 2000 System™ solve that problem for you! Three easy payments of $5.99 (indemnity waiver and legal fees not included)! Order now!
posted by not_on_display at 7:55 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]


And if you want to build one yourself, he has a tutorial.
posted by ShooBoo at 8:00 PM on December 4, 2014


This guy owns a lot of stuff.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:18 PM on December 4, 2014


Future models will have a club attachment to crack open The Three Seashells.
posted by sourwookie at 8:26 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]


So THIS is what Survival Research Labs gets up to in their off hours.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 8:27 PM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]


Actually, if he could rig this to open a beer while you're sitting on the can, he might be on to something...
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:30 PM on December 4, 2014


diy-maker.avi
posted by Ferreous at 9:35 PM on December 4, 2014


I immediately thought of SRL, too- I remember boilermonster telling me about a scarecrow with a pumpkin head that was set up to repeatedly and violently stab itself in the head in a style similar to this toilet paper cutter.

though maybe it was some un-SRL-related project of his.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:45 PM on December 4, 2014


There's a point in the video where after the cleaver finishes hacking away, he reaches in to pick up the cut piece of toilet paper. I guess he has faith in the machine he built, but I don't think I'd be willing to reach inside the swing of the blade while it is still plugged in.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:54 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


Betcha there's a model in Japan that already has this feature

And a mohel in Tel Aviv.

Heyooooooooo
posted by zippy at 12:35 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]


I think the "Related Posts" subroutine has gained sentience by now, judging by the five slightly disturbing links it serves up.

Especially the link titled "Aaa! Aww! Aaa! Aww! Aaa! Aww!".
posted by Harald74 at 2:19 AM on December 5, 2014


The best part was that when I clicked to watch this YouTube video about a hilariously useless device, I first had to watch a commercial for the new Oral-B toothbrush with integrated Bluetooth functionalities.
posted by Shepherd at 3:16 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]


Can't imagine what the ER people of that area are gonna think. Got this hideous life-changing injury while pooping? Ho.
posted by Namlit at 3:37 AM on December 5, 2014


I guess he has faith in the machine he built, but I don't think I'd be willing to reach inside the swing of the blade while it is still plugged in.

I had the exact same thought. Mess with this thing too much and someone else is going to have to do the wiping for you.
posted by valkane at 5:53 AM on December 5, 2014


What's going on at the end of the video? He says "And then when you're done..." and focuses on a little plastic ghost with a little plastic starfish on its belly.

It must be a three seashells reference.
posted by moonmilk at 6:06 AM on December 5, 2014


Air Freshener spritz
posted by achrise at 6:30 AM on December 5, 2014


"Wipe while standing? I don't think so."
posted by ardgedee at 6:37 AM on December 5, 2014


I first had to watch a commercial for the new Oral-B toothbrush with integrated Bluetooth functionalities

I... I can't tell if this is for real or not.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:17 AM on December 5, 2014


When you think about it toilet paper is obviously the wrong tool for the job it has: it's thin, dry and prone to tearing at the worst possible time and place. This robot isn't failing, it's making a statement. A statement that I totally agree with.
posted by tommasz at 11:27 AM on December 5, 2014


When you think about it toilet paper is obviously the wrong tool for the job it has ... This robot isn't failing, it's making a statement.

His next project is an explosive-charge "ejector seat" for your bidet, that will launch once you've used a predetermined amount of water.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:47 PM on December 5, 2014


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