Man Trying to Figure Out What Just Dropped on Him
August 18, 2015 6:54 AM   Subscribe

"When you see an image of smiling people on an ad or a website, there's a pretty good chance it's a stock photo — a generic picture of some situation, like "Woman Laughing Alone with Salad." There are easily millions of stock photos online for download, usually for a price. But the WNYC Data News Team is adding a few more: photos illustrating quintessential NYC situation"
posted by roomthreeseventeen (129 comments total) 30 users marked this as a favorite
 
Entire Subway Car Rolling Their Eyes Because It's Showtime!

Crowded Afternoon In Union Square With Large Empty Area Around Horrible Clipboard Person

Gregarious Child Making Sandwiches In A Bodega At 2 AM

Excuse Me Are You Jewish?
posted by griphus at 7:05 AM on August 18, 2015 [46 favorites]


I hope this NYC pizza I've heard so much about tastes better than it looks in those photos.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:09 AM on August 18, 2015


Guy in Suit Also Wearing Flipflops
Scam Artist Accosting People with Sad Story
People Waiting in Line at the Bagel Cart
posted by emjaybee at 7:09 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Those are great! Apparently New Yorkers spend a lot of time in the subway, probably because the alternative (hailing a cab) only leads to conflict. Also, I am thinking pizza for lunch.
posted by TedW at 7:10 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


That wasn't pizza. That was a yoga mat.
posted by pipeski at 7:11 AM on August 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


Where's "Seedy Costumed Character Accosts Tourists for Money"?
posted by Etrigan at 7:12 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


There should be a stock photo for clicking on a slideshow....
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:12 AM on August 18, 2015 [6 favorites]


Where's "Seedy Costumed Character Accosts Tourists for Money"?

Same place it always is: front page of the Post.
posted by griphus at 7:13 AM on August 18, 2015 [10 favorites]


People Waiting in Line at the Bagel Cart

People Waiting in Line at Halal Cart, Unsure if it is The Halal Cart.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:14 AM on August 18, 2015 [10 favorites]


I'm happy to report that all the train examples now apply to L.A., too!
posted by Room 641-A at 7:15 AM on August 18, 2015


Scam Artist Accosting People with Sad Story

Where's "Seedy Costumed Character Accosts Tourists for Money"?


Is New York full of guys who pull scams like "I bet you $20 I can tell you where you got your shoes"
Okay
"You got 'em on the sidewalk! You owe me $20!"
I got pretty good at dealing with them on various trips to New Orleans, but some of them were engaging enough that I would give them $5 or so just for the entertainment.
posted by TedW at 7:16 AM on August 18, 2015


Wow. I am totally getting a little book of Sudoku.
posted by markkraft at 7:17 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Woman jaywalks with confidence" is my ego ideal
posted by dismas at 7:18 AM on August 18, 2015 [12 favorites]


Why the rest of the US rolls their eyes at New Yorkers: they use "New York" in a sentence when they really mean "big city".

Now, there may be "quintessential" New York moments to lampoon in this way. But stuff dropping on your head, or ball cooling subway riders are not exclusive to anything other than large cities with tall buildings placed close to where people walk, and a subway system.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:19 AM on August 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


"Quintessential" does not mean "exclusive", it means "typical".
posted by Etrigan at 7:21 AM on August 18, 2015 [20 favorites]


Is New York full of guys who pull scams like "I bet you $20 I can tell you where you got your shoes"

I haven't seen that one, but I've seen:

Glasses scam: Guy bumps into you in a crowd, drops broken glasses, says you broke them and demands money to fix them

"Rap Artists": Guys will tell you they're giving away their new CD, then try to intimidate you into giving a "donation"

"Buddhist monks": I don't know if they are really monks or not, but they'll walk up to you offering a little charm, but not asking for money. Once you take it they start demanding money.

Three-card Monte: Yes, the actual old-school scam, in Herald Square. It was like walking into a 50s movie. My friend got yelled at for telling the foreign tourists being taken in that it was a scam.
posted by Sangermaine at 7:21 AM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


Not too many of those are even remotely unique for New York.
posted by octothorpe at 7:21 AM on August 18, 2015


Why the rest of the US rolls their eyes at New Yorkers: they use "New York" in a sentence when they really mean "big city".

I'm the first to whine and moan about New York (City) and New Yorkers, but this is just typical local news provincialism. It's not the specifically New York style of provincialism that (rightly) makes the rest of us hate New York.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:22 AM on August 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


Commenters Openly Urinate In Thread Demanding More Uniqueness
posted by griphus at 7:23 AM on August 18, 2015 [50 favorites]


Although I do understand that there are cities were people don't jaywalk.
posted by octothorpe at 7:25 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Is New York full of guys who pull scams like "I bet you $20 I can tell you where you got your shoes"
Okay
"You got 'em on the sidewalk! You owe me $20!"


there's a dude in Allston who has three of these: Where you got your shoes, what state you were born in, and how many children your father had.
posted by dismas at 7:26 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why the rest of the US rolls their eyes at New Yorkers: they use "New York" in a sentence when they really mean "big city".

You did notice that this was a piece generated by New York's local public radio station, yeah? I believe it would be logical for them to assume that the majority of their audience is New York based, and for them to tailor/customize their piece accordingly. If this was put out by WBEZ it'd probably say "Chicago stock photos", KUHF would say "Houston stock photos", etc.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:26 AM on August 18, 2015 [10 favorites]


there's a dude in Allston who has three of these: Where you got your shoes, what state you were born in, and how many children your father had.

You can't just leave us hanging like that, dude.
posted by Etrigan at 7:27 AM on August 18, 2015 [16 favorites]


Is New York full of guys who pull scams like "I bet you $20 I can tell you where you got your shoes"

About ten years ago a kid on Newbury Street in Boston asked me this and I declined. For ten years I've been wondering what he would have said. Thanks, I'm glad I now know. There's no way in hell I would have given him anything for that answer.

Although I do understand that there are cities were people don't jaywalk.

Holy hell my wife and I once got screamed at in Calgary when we jaywalked. We could basically look both ways down the street to the horizon, not a car in sight, so we crossed. Some woman screamed at as, telling us it was illegal and that we were JERKS for jaywalking. We wanted to explain that we're from Boston and if we didn't jaywalk on a regular basis we'd still be standing on a curb somewhere, unable to cross a street.
posted by bondcliff at 7:28 AM on August 18, 2015 [9 favorites]


Boston stock photos:

Diverse group of people waiting in line at Dunkies
Diverse group of people waiting in line at the other Dunkies, you know, the one across the street from the first Dunkies
Wild turkey attacks small child
Tourist asks for directions, gets laughed at
Dunkies
Diverse group of people waiting in line for the shuttle buses replacing Orange Line service
Man there are a lot of Dunkies
posted by backseatpilot at 7:31 AM on August 18, 2015 [39 favorites]


I would love to actually see a game of three card monte in real life, because that would give me the opportunity to stand in a crowd and yell "You're giving three card monte a bad name!"
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:34 AM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


"That's not rain" is really "was that pigeon shit or just an air conditioner, oh thank god it's clear."
posted by Hactar at 7:41 AM on August 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


Surprisingly, this is relevant to my interests.
posted by Dr Dracator at 7:44 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


If this was put out by WBEZ it'd probably say "Chicago stock photos", KUHF would say "Houston stock photos", etc.

That would actually make a pretty cool project. I doubt many people would be interested in stock photos of my town, but I would contribute "tourists staring through the gates at the Augusta National, wondering why they won't let them in."
posted by TedW at 7:44 AM on August 18, 2015


You can't just leave us hanging like that, dude.

After careful thought, I'm going to say "naked" (or "total dependence", if you want to get really fancy) and "none, your mother had them all".
posted by yhbc at 7:51 AM on August 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


We wanted to explain that we're from Boston and if we didn't jaywalk on a regular basis we'd still be standing on a curb somewhere, unable to cross a street.

It would be shorter (and nearly as true) to say "Sorry, we were raised by wolves."
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:51 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


First-daters awkwardly trying to enjoy a drink and conversation while Murray Hill douchebros aggressively crowd out their space.

Smoking hipsters giving the side eye to normals attempting to squeeze past them on the sidewalk.

Street vendor hastily rolling up his blanket full of Blu-Rays.

Pedestrians on the corner staring at woman jogging in place as she waits for the signal to change.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:53 AM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


San Franciscan waiting outside restaurant for brunch
San Franciscan still waiting outside restaurant for brunch
San Franciscan wincing at the strong smell of urine
San Franciscan walking up a broken BART escalator
San Franciscan driving into a MUNI tunnel and shutting down the entire system
San Franciscan leaving piles of trash on the curb because there are no garbage cans
San Franciscan finding car window broken because of Prop 47
San Franciscan finding car window broken again because of Prop 47
San Franciscan still waiting outside restaurant for brunch
posted by eschatfische at 7:55 AM on August 18, 2015 [20 favorites]


You couldn't have stock images of people in my city because every single person is wearing a sports logo shirt or cap and Getty couldn't afford the license fees.
posted by octothorpe at 7:57 AM on August 18, 2015 [11 favorites]


Do New Yorkers really drink beverages in paper bags on while on stoops? Why? Is it like a public consumption law they're trying to get around?
posted by cooker girl at 8:00 AM on August 18, 2015


I really expected at least one "Women sitting on a stoop asking getting if there are paper bags to drink out of in flyover country."
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 8:00 AM on August 18, 2015


"Gregarious Child Making Sandwiches In A Bodega At 2 AM"

Does the child work there or does he just go there at 2 a.m. because he's awake and bored?

Peoria's stock photo would be "Local gives newcomer directions based entirely on buildings that were demolished before either of them was born" next photo would be a lost newcomer with Google unable to help because it hasn't been "Jumers" in 15 years.

Or, my very favorite, "local uses road name that was changed in 1904." I have been here long enough to know which street they mean and I use the name myself, but I looked it up and they changed it in NINETEEN OUGHT FOUR.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:03 AM on August 18, 2015 [14 favorites]


The forced-smile, camera-aware, not-goodness of many of these images really speaks to how hard it is to actually do stock photography well.

Which isn't to say that the stock photography you find elsewhere doesn't also often suffer from these problems, of course.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:05 AM on August 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


Is it like a public consumption law they're trying to get around?

If you're straight-up drinking a beer outside, you're basically asking the cops give you a ticket. If it's in a paper bag and they feel like ignoring you, they'll ignore you.

Does the child work there or does he just go there at 2 a.m. because he's awake and bored?

The child works there, yeah.
posted by griphus at 8:05 AM on August 18, 2015 [6 favorites]


"You got 'em on the sidewalk! You owe me $20!"
I always heard it was that you got your shoes on your feet.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 8:06 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Man Trying To Express Non-verbally That He Cannot Give You A Subway Swipe, But Totally Would If He Had A Monthly Pass I'm So Sorry Have a Great Day
posted by quadbonus at 8:08 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Woman Avoiding Man Handing Out Leaflets
Frustrated Man Repeatedly Swiping Metrocard at Turnstyle
Black Hebrew Israelites Accosting Passersby
Octogenerian Cage Match at Zabar's on Erev Rosh Hashanah
Man Shouting "Stand Right, Walk Left" on Escalator
Taxi Splashing Disgusting Water on Couple Standing Too Close to Rain Puddle
posted by slkinsey at 8:15 AM on August 18, 2015 [6 favorites]


Frustrated Man Repeatedly Swiping Metrocard at Turnstyle

PLEASE SWIPE AGAIN

PLEASE SWIPE AGAIN

PLEASE SWIPE AGAIN

JUST USED

posted by griphus at 8:17 AM on August 18, 2015 [35 favorites]


Yes, that's my favorite. :-/
posted by slkinsey at 8:25 AM on August 18, 2015


Although I do understand that there are cities were people don't jaywalk.
posted by octothorpe at 7:25 AM on August 18 [+] [!]


Seattle is one of these. My friend had just moved here from Boston and he jaywalked in front of a cop. The cop waved him over and said, 'How could you disrespect me like that?'

He told that story for months.
posted by bq at 8:26 AM on August 18, 2015 [8 favorites]


"You're giving three card monte a bad name!"

Three card Monty.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:28 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Although I do understand that there are cities were people don't jaywalk.

The very first thing my boyfriend complained about after moving to SF was that people here are completely content to stand on the corner even when there's no traffic coming. (To which I replied, "You have to understand, these conformist order-loving San Franciscans just aren't bred with your rebellious counterculture DC ways.")
posted by psoas at 8:28 AM on August 18, 2015 [11 favorites]


Broke Couple Transporting Scavenged Furniture Via Subway
Woman Stepping Into Icy Puddle, Realizing Her Boots Not Actually Waterproof
posted by emjaybee at 8:28 AM on August 18, 2015 [9 favorites]


Unnervingly Audacious Youth Blasts Through Turnstile With You During Your Turn
posted by psoas at 8:29 AM on August 18, 2015


> Although I do understand that there are cities were people don't jaywalk.

First time I went to Germany, I had no idea just how orderly things were there. I was in Munich, and had come up to a crosswalk after literally just arriving from the train. The crosswalk light was red, but there was no traffic, so I just walked across. Cue shocked gasps and stares of disapproval... No way you could miss it, it seriously was like everything just froze in place.

Immediately after that, I took the metro, and witnessed uniformed police patrolling the metro in a 2x2 formation, checking peoples tickets - and saw someone get walked off the metro at a stop by said uniformed police in a very reserved, polite, but incredibly intimidating manner. Suddenly things seemed to make more sense.

I paid more attention from that point on - I never did see anyone else jaywalk on that trip.

It would appear things have relaxed some in the past 10 years or so, though, as last time I was there, nobody seemed to care anymore. Or they were all tourists.
posted by MysticMCJ at 8:30 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


what i'm getting from this thread is that i should make a concerted effort to post as many nyc-related fpps as humanly possible
posted by poffin boffin at 8:30 AM on August 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


Smoking hipsters giving the side eye to normals attempting to squeeze past them on the sidewalk.

Transplants complaining about smoking in an outdoor hipster bar.

The forced-smile, camera-aware, not-goodness of many of these images really speaks to how hard it is to actually do stock photography well.


Those were surprisingly bad, I have a newfound respect for stock photographers (and still none for people who employ them).
posted by deathmaven at 8:31 AM on August 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


DC:

Tourist Awed By Length of Escalator Between Bowels of Earth (AKA Rosslyn Metro Station) and Surface

Tourist Stands Still On Left Side of Escalator; Diverse Group of Commuters Apply Side-Eye

Line of Side-Eyers Behind Clueless Metro-Escalator-Left-Stander Now Several Miles Long
posted by ostro at 8:34 AM on August 18, 2015 [16 favorites]


London would have

Bemused And Angry Shopper Trying To Work Self-Service Checkout Machine
Bemused And Angry Shopper Waiting For Shop Assistant To Fix Self-Service Checkout Machine

but not

Shop Assistant Fixing Self-Service Checkout Machine

And we don't 'jaywalk' in London. It's not a verb in common use. Probably because it's not a crime. We evolve precise distance/speed/trajectory sensing skills that would put TCAS to shame, and engage in the best LARP of Frogger you ever saw. And then we get mown down by a yout' on a pushbike on the pavement.
posted by Devonian at 8:34 AM on August 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


Although I do understand that there are cities were people don't jaywalk.

My father once told me a story about when he was doing a sabbatical at the University of Wisconsin-Madison during the height of the Vietnam War protest era. He comes out of his lab building and sees a huge group of National Guardsmen in combat gear, bristling with weapons and whatnot, heading across the street presumably towards wherever the big protest was supposed to be happening. Eventually the light turns and the sign says "don't walk" before all the Guardsmen have crossed. So they stand there waiting for the sign to say "walk" before crossing the street to catch up with the main body.
posted by slkinsey at 8:34 AM on August 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


Dismayed Subway Rider Learns Why The Car Is Empty Just As The Doors Close
posted by slkinsey at 8:38 AM on August 18, 2015 [66 favorites]


Is New York full of guys who pull scams like "I bet you $20 I can tell you where you got your shoes"

I thought "On your feet!" was the smart-assy answer.
posted by bswinburn at 8:39 AM on August 18, 2015


Tourist Awed By Length of Escalator Between Bowels of Earth (AKA Rosslyn Metro Station) and Surface

See also, Tourist Convinced DC Is Under Attack Because How On Earth Could Thunder Be That Freaking Loud In The Bowels Of The Earth
posted by Room 641-A at 8:42 AM on August 18, 2015


Woman Threading Through Traffic Because Cars Are Blocking the Box
That has been the intersection of Victoria Park Avenue and Sheppard Avenue East, all. day. long., ever since both construction projects started.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 8:44 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Boston stock photos:

Freshman Gets Overlarge Backpack Stuck In T Doors, Panics
Man Wants Unique Opinion On Derek Jeter Broadcast Via Shirt
Bartender Looks Through Thirsty Person At Bar To Regular Standing Behind Them
Woop-Woop Guy Pedals Giant Tricycle
No Flowers Left On Sketchy Clown's Grave
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:45 AM on August 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


DC:
- Locals give side eye to tourists on Segway tour.
- Man jogs across street to avoid being run over by presidential motorcade.
- Hill staffers stand around basking in their own self-importance.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 8:50 AM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


Upper West Side, NYC: Dogs in strollers.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:51 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


slkinsey, near where I live this past winter there was a demonstration on the first night of Hanukkah of mostly Jews supporting Black Lives Matter. This took place in Coolidge Corner, Brookline, which is near the historical center of Boston's Jewish community and is also a large and heavily trafficked four-way intersection with the Green Line trolley running through it. While waiting to attain critical mass, the protest took place via people chanting and circling the intersection, waiting politely at each corner of the intersection for the walk sign to come on before they continued.

The first rule of demonstrating in Brookline is don't get hit by the trolley.
The second rule of demonstrating in Brookline is don't accidentally set fire to your protest sign with your Hanukkah candles.
posted by ostro at 8:54 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


ostro, that's great. I grew up in Newton Corner, so this all makes sense.
posted by slkinsey at 9:04 AM on August 18, 2015


Outside of Boston:

Crowd Gets Angry At Delayed Commuter Rail
Scrum To Get To Single Outlet To Charge Phone
Glaring at Person Taking Up Three Seats
posted by TwoStride at 9:09 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


That delay between clicking the right arrow and the next photo sliding in is infuriating. It's like getting stuck behind a texting tourist on a NYC sidewalk.
posted by kurumi at 9:12 AM on August 18, 2015


Nice Radiolab hoodie.
posted by hypersloth at 9:27 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


First time I went to Germany, I had no idea just how orderly things were there. I was in Munich, and had come up to a crosswalk after literally just arriving from the train. The crosswalk light was red, but there was no traffic, so I just walked across. Cue shocked gasps and stares of disapproval... No way you could miss it, it seriously was like everything just froze in place.

When I was in Liege, Belgium, I inadvertently blocked traffic more than once by standing at the curb and looking across the street.
posted by Dr Dracator at 9:28 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


DC In April:

Couple, with two toddlers in side-by-side stroller, create havoc in metro station while trying to figure out how to get downtown to see cherry blossoms.
posted by Naberius at 9:51 AM on August 18, 2015


Buffalo:

Person Brushes Snow Off Car
Person Shovels Snow From Driveway
Person Shovels Snow From Sidewalk
Person Shovels Snow From Roof
Person Fell Off Roof Into A Snowbank And Is Okay But Needs Someone To Come Shovel Him Out Because He Can't Move
Sabres Fans Looking Dejected
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:52 AM on August 18, 2015 [14 favorites]


Locals Sprint To Enter Shops Before Tourist Bus Parks
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:52 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Chicago Transit shot a series of their own for some of these scenarios with similar hokey reaction shots:
http://www.transitchicago.com/courtesy/

Stand Right, Walk Left
Whoa, Nelly!
posted by travertina at 9:56 AM on August 18, 2015


Now, there may be "quintessential" New York moments to lampoon in this way. But stuff dropping on your head, or ball cooling subway riders are not exclusive to anything other than large cities with tall buildings placed close to where people walk, and a subway system.

Nor even all of these. I was present just over 24 hours ago for an demonstration of Pregnant Woman Stands on Commuter Train While People Sit and Play with Phones. It was an hour-long train ride into Toronto and the woman, probably seven to eight months along, boarded one stop after I did. I was seated because I am disabled and cannot stand for log stretches, but I am also not an asshole. So when it became clear in ninety seconds that everyone else seated in the "please offer these seats to those in need" section were afflicted with ZSA*, I asked the woman if she wanted my seat, which she gratefully accepted. I hung on to a strap for the rest of the way and can now barely walk for pain and stiffness. Still, on balance, I am okay with this.

*Zero Situational Awareness
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:03 AM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


San Franciscan finding car window broken again because of Prop 47

San Franciscan telling commuter from Atherton the Prop 47 argument is bs because car breakins are still a felony, police almost never catch a breakin in progress, only a handful of people have been released under Prop 47, and this is just the police union stirring shit because anything with a shred of sense and decency that undermines their authoriteh, even if it comes from the people they serve and the legislative branch, they just cannot abide by.
posted by zippy at 10:04 AM on August 18, 2015 [10 favorites]


Stand Right, Walk Left

That pic immediately bothered me, because the right/left arrows are reversed based on the direction the escalator traffic would actually be moving. Altho the picture seems to be setting up the woman as 'clueless texter blocking movement', she's actually standing on the right. It's the doof next to her jamming things up.

Interestingly enough, the same woman is in the 'Whoa, Nelly!' pic, contextually clearly not the offender - but placed nearly center of frame and wearing a boderline-moiré effect outfit that very strongly stands out against all the other participants in the scene, drawing the eye strongly to her as the target/subject of the tableaux.. almost seems like the photographer for these pieces really just didn't like that woman, and went the extra mile to make her seem like the antagonist, even subconsciously.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:04 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


In Detroit we jaywalk because otherwise the existential despair becomes overwhelming, waiting for a light to change at an intersection bereft of cars and pedestrians in all directions. I jaywalk to give the street a purpose again.
posted by palindromic at 10:06 AM on August 18, 2015 [11 favorites]


I just jaywalked like six times on the way to lunch and I didn't even go very far.
posted by bondcliff at 10:14 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Detroit version:

Ruin Porn
More Ruin Porn
Geez, You Got A Lot of Ruins Here
Seriously, More Ruin Porn?
Dude Peeing On People In Front Of Him During A Lions Game
Black People Dancing In Street
Goddammit, Stu, Quit With The Ruin Porn
posted by Etrigan at 10:21 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


A few New-York Specific ones -

* Tourist holding up the start of the lunch counter at Katz's because they don't understand why they were just handed a ticket thing
* Loud Bridge-and-Tunnel types having a conversation outside Barclay Stadium as locals give them the side-eye while trying to squeeze past
* Audience Member Awkwardly Trying To Come up With Something to Say To Their Friend Who Was Just In The Off-Off-Broadway Show They Secretly Thought Was Terrible
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:29 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


I jaywalk so habitually in Pittsburgh that I managed to dodge directly in front of a moving police car last year without even thinking that I was actually breaking the law. I looked back at the cop and he just gave me a shrug and an exaggerated "after you" wave of his hand at me.
posted by octothorpe at 10:32 AM on August 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


Audience Member Awkwardly Trying To Come up With Something to Say To Their Friend Who Was Just In The Off-Off-Broadway Show They Secretly Thought Was Terrible

Freud!
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:34 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Ruin Porn

It took me a few puzzled moments to figure out that this meant "decrepit buildings/structures/infrastructure" and not "trolling pornographic actors and their film crews by photobombing their scenes".
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:34 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


I've had to live the "show you secretly thought was terrible" more than a few times. Even worse - I'm doing a volunteer thing with the Fringe Festival where I was assigned a bunch of shows and I have to attend one performance of each and then go to a cast party with the actors and any interested audience members, and be all smiley and happy and talk it up on Facebook and stuff. And the other night I saw something that was BLOODY AWFUL, and then immediately had to go out to dinner with the cast. Yikes.

(Dear Xingcat - I am not talking about your show. Swear to God.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Let me try this for my home town...

Akronite walks through deserted downtown
Akronite parks car at strip mall
Homeless Akronite sleeps in front of shuttered factory
Cleveland sports fans looking dejected after historic loss
Akronite waits in line at only good restaurant in town

Actually, I'm (partially) joking. My town is pretty great, when it's not pissing rain or shitting snow. Here's a pretty good gallery of local stock photos.
posted by slogger at 10:40 AM on August 18, 2015


The "Whoa, Nelly!" ("Don't hold closing doors") shot captivates me because the dude bowleggedly forcing his way into the car looks like a cross between John Laroquette and Jonathan Silverman of the 90s sitcom The Single Guy.

Of the New York City ones, I thoroughly enjoyed "People Reading Show-off Books on Subway", "Woman Jaywalking with Confidence" (my role model as well!), and "Man Trying To Get A Citibike Out Of A Broken Dock" -- the pain in his bent back!
posted by brainwane at 10:41 AM on August 18, 2015


Chicago:

Regular Biker Glares At Divvy Biker in Bike Lane
Pedestrian Glares At Biker Who Is Neither Elderly Nor A Child On Sidewalk Next To Bike Lane
Person in Professional Dress Attempts to Enter Loop Office, Is Blocked By 9000 Tourists
Native Assuring Tourist That Everything Is 20 Minutes Away
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:52 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


So, this "New York." It's a city?
posted by cmoj at 10:56 AM on August 18, 2015


Pedestrian Glares At Biker Who Is Neither Elderly Nor A Child On Sidewalk Next To Bike Lane

But I've never been to Chicago!
posted by Room 641-A at 10:58 AM on August 18, 2015


Devonion:
And we don't 'jaywalk' in London. It's not a verb in common use. Probably because it's not a crime.
Probably because jaywalking was a concept invented by the U.S. auto industry to get people used to the idea that cars are more important than people.
posted by adamrice at 11:27 AM on August 18, 2015 [6 favorites]


Local Public-Radio Staffers Stiffly Simulate Everyday Life
posted by RogerB at 11:33 AM on August 18, 2015 [6 favorites]


Rural Illinois:

Man Sits Patiently in Car at Red Light on Rural Highway Located on Perfectly Flat Plane with No Other Cars Visible Before the Curvature of the Earth, Because the Light Is Red, Duh

Man Nervously Checks Dashboard Clock, Wonders If Traffic Light's Sensor Is Broken

Man Nervously Checks Dashboard Clock Again, Wonders If It's Better to Chance Illegally Driving Through a Red Light or to Turn Right, Pull a U-y, and Turn Right Again

Visibly Uncomfortable Man Slowly Rolls Through Intersection with Obviously Broken Light

Rural Man Confesses to Shocked but Sympathetic Neighbors that He Disobeyed a Broken Traffic Light
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:36 AM on August 18, 2015 [17 favorites]


Entire Subway Car Groans at Train Out of Service Announcement, Several Older Women Cluck Teeth
posted by edbles at 11:37 AM on August 18, 2015 [6 favorites]


So, this "New York." It's a city?

it's a big farm owned by a jerky wooden-legged dutch guy.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:40 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Etrigan : You can't just leave us hanging like that, dude.

yhbc: After careful thought, I'm going to say "naked" (or "total dependence", if you want to get really fancy) and "none, your mother had them all".

I think his answer is "in the state of infancy" but basically you've got it right.
posted by dismas at 11:40 AM on August 18, 2015


Anti-semitic jerky wooden-legged dutch guy.
posted by griphus at 11:41 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


didn't he also beat a bunch of quakers to death?
posted by poffin boffin at 11:48 AM on August 18, 2015


Raleigh, NC

Young People Explaining To Transplants What Barbecue Is
Young People Arguing About Barbecue
Transplants Complaining About How Many Transplants There Are
Terrified Suburbanites Planning A Trip To Durham
Man Caring Too Much About College Football
Man Caring Way Too Much About College Basketball
Non-Diverse Group Of Legislators Shitting All Over Populace
posted by Rock Steady at 11:49 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


In London jaywalking isn't illegal but no one really does it because you will probably get run over. I once crossed a pedestrian walkway - what they call a zebra crossing here, which has a blinking lamppost thing and theoretically pedestrians have the right of way there but apparently I didn't walk fast enough and this old dude slammed on his breaks and flipped me off. They don't mess around here.

London stock photos:

Woman glaring at tourist standing on the left of the escalator.
Man glaring at tourist standing in the middle of the sidewalk gawping at nothing.
Woman glaring at tourist who is trying to tap their paper train ticket on the Oyster card reader.
Woman glaring at tourists holding the tube doors open.
Man glaring at tourist holding bags filled with God only knows what from the M&M store and standing right in front of the tube doors.
posted by like_neon at 11:51 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Young People Explaining To Transplants What Barbecue Is
Young People Arguing About Barbecue
Transplants Complaining About How Many Transplants There Are
Terrified Suburbanites Planning A Trip To Durham
Man Caring Too Much About College Football
Man Caring Way Too Much About College Basketball
Non-Diverse Group Of Legislators Shitting All Over Populace


I haven't been to Raleigh beyond using the airport in fifteen years, but I'm glad to see nothing has changed.

Seriously though, my feelings about college basketball are entirely appropriate and transplants are solely responsible for the traffic. Did you know someone once heard a transplant order a single grit? True story, possibly.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:56 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


> Although I do understand that there are cities were people don't jaywalk.

>First time I went to Germany

Bremen! In front of the train station was a vast open plaza where the trams stopped. It was criss-crossed by tracks and pedestrian walkways with tiny traffic lights but completely level. Early one evening, the place was nearly deserted as I was passing through and I came across a man waiting because the light was red. I mean, no one and no trams were nearby. I felt guilty going around him but I mean, come on.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 12:02 PM on August 18, 2015


Philadelphia Stock Photos:

Driver Extending Middle Finger After Being Cut Off in Traffic by Car With New Jersey License Plates
Sports Fans Mercilessly Booing Members of the Visiting Team
Exasperated Commuters Still Waiting at SEPTA Stop
Smug Philadelphia Residents Looking Down on Tourists
Cheesesteak Restaurant Customers Pointing and Laughing at Out-of-Towner Who Asks for Pepperjack Cheese
Tourists Suddenly Realizing that Running Up the Art Museum Steps is Tougher than it Looked in Rocky
Sports Fans Mercilessly Booing Members of the Home Team
Despondent Commuters Waiting at SEPTA Stop
Bleary-Eyed Wawa Patrons Lining Up for Morning Coffee
Smug New York Tourists Looking Down on Philadelphia Residents
Commuters Cheering as SEPTA Bus Finally Arrives, Along With Six More Empty Buses Behind It
Sports Fans Mercilessly Booing Wounded Veterans
posted by tonycpsu at 12:16 PM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Rock Steady: "Raleigh, NC"

You left out:
Duke Students From Suburban NY/NJ Proudly Complaining That They Don't Like to Shop in Cary Because It's "Too Suburban"

And also:
Drunk Middle-Aged Parents at Raleigh Parade Abide by Archaic Open Container Laws, Pour Rum Into Coke Cans, Refuse to Let Children Have Coke
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:18 PM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Sports fans mercilessly throwing batteries at the visiting team, the home team, the umpires, small children...
posted by backseatpilot at 12:19 PM on August 18, 2015


Portland, Oregon

Tourist Carrying Pink Donut Boxes
Man Wearing Full Hiking Gear in City
Woman Trying to End Car2Go Trip
Hipster Children frowning With Hipster Parents
Oblivious Cyclist Cutting Off Car
Oblivious Car Cutting Off Cyclist
Diverse Line of Food Truck Patrons Blocking Sidewalk
Unicyclist on Cellphone
posted by redsparkler at 12:40 PM on August 18, 2015 [9 favorites]


Boston lists are missing (appropos of redsparkler):

Fuckin' Tourists Blocking the Sidewalk Holding a Mike's or Modern Pastry Box
posted by dismas at 12:46 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


oh and Self Loathing Bostonians Wait for B Line
posted by dismas at 12:46 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Alameda, CA

Ethnically (but not economically) diverse group of crunchy moms engage in passive-agressive one-upsmanship by talking to their kids about how much their kids love to eat seaweed.
Exhausted man in all purple (including top hat hat) rides unicycle on sidewalk.
Semi-pro clown holding Steve Jobs' iPad.
Fourth-generation resident harangues city council about people "from Oakland" causing <racist generalization>.
Kid dripping from a dip in the Bay sitting on the beach scratching at strange rash.
posted by ajryan at 1:35 PM on August 18, 2015


Los Angeles:

Diverse Group Of People Standing Around Discussing Traffic
Long-time LA Resident Shocked To Learn There Is An Underground Metro
Seven People Jaywalk In Front Of Cop, Only Homeless Man Gets Ticket
Bicyclist Commutes Down Busy Street During Rush Hour, Does Not Wear Helmet
Everyone Honking At Car That Did Not Turn Left After Light Turned Red
posted by insectosaurus at 1:39 PM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Can't resist a corollary to Alameda #1:
  All ages "least brushed hair" competition at playground.
posted by ajryan at 1:44 PM on August 18, 2015


Vancouver:

Tourists Gawk at Steam Clock While Passing Locals Mutter to One Another That the Clock Doesn't Really Run on Steam.
Diverse Group of 20-Somethings Stand Around and Complain About Housing Prices.
Diverse Group of 30-Somethings Stand Around and Complain About Housing Prices.
Diverse Group of 40-Somethings Stand Around and Complain About Housing Prices.
Group of 50+ Year Olds Stand Around and Compare How Much Their Homes Have Appreciated in the Past Fifteen Years.
Everyone Stands Around and Complains About New Condo Towers Going Up, Like, Everywhere.
posted by good in a vacuum at 2:12 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Santa Monica:

Tourist Wearing Heels Stumbling On Pier
Moms With Yoga Mats Walking To Their Car For The One-Mile Drive Home
Tourist With Sunburned Neck and Shoulders
Tourist With Beet-Red Sunburned Neck And Shoulders On A Cloudy Day
That Asshole Who Is Smoking Anyway
Locals Wondering What It's Going To Take To Get Some Chinese Food Around Here

Los Angeles:

Ten variations of "Person Filling Out Dispensary Paperwork"

Everyone Honking At Car That Did Not Turn Left After Light Turned Red

(Also a violation of Harry Shearer's "Two Car Minimum On Left Turn" rule.)
posted by Room 641-A at 2:15 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Houston:

Office workers walking purposefully in underground downtown tunnel system
Deserted downtown streets at midday because everyone is underground in the tunnels
Joggers in Hermann Park glistening with persperation
Freeways twelve lanes wide in both directions with stopped traffic
Urban youths in slabs cruising 610 Loop on purple drank (not actually a thing anymore)
Tourists . . . wait, no tourists
Oil company employees aprehensively watching ticker price of a barrel of West Texas Intermediate
posted by Standeck at 2:33 PM on August 18, 2015


Denver:

SUVs with California Plates Barreling Down I-25 in a Snowstorm
Young Tourists Taking Group Photos in Recreational Marijuana Store
Old Hippies in Tie-Dye Taking Group Photos in Recreational Marijuana Store
Dirty Teens Holding Signs Asking for Nugs Outside Recreational Marijuana Store
Group of Young People Walking Down the Street While Smoking a Joint
Diverse Group of Shirtless Men Jogging in a Group
Blonde Woman in Spandex Walking Large Dog
Parents Gripping the Hands of Young Children As They Walk Past Homeless Man
Car Going Wrong Way Down One-Way Street
Bar Filled With Nothing But Bearded Men With Tattoos
posted by jabes at 2:47 PM on August 18, 2015


Is New York full of guys who pull scams like "I bet you $20 I can tell you where you got your shoes"
Okay
"You got 'em on the sidewalk! You owe me $20!"


I'm assuming one wouldn't fare well if you pointed out that you don't "got" shoes on the sidewalk. You "have" shoes on the sidewalk. You "got" the shoes at the store.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:51 PM on August 18, 2015


Is it really quintessential New York that a black man upstream hails a cab thirty feet from a white man?
posted by salishsea at 3:38 PM on August 18, 2015


Every time I read something about New York all I end up thinking is: I'm kind of in the mood for pizza.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:46 PM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


More San Francisco (from an admitted transplant):

Woman giving side-eye to tech bros on the N talking about vesting schedules
Very long line of people of various ethnicities waiting for a burrito at night
People of various ethnicities laughing and eating burritos at night
People with Giants paraphernalia cheering in stands of AT&T Ballpark
Traffic stopped completely while people with Giants paraphernalia cross 3rd Street
Group of tourists unwittingly wandering into the Tenderloin
Woman narrowly preventing man from stepping in poop on the sidewalk
Several people racing to move their cars for street cleaning
Man getting into the wrong Lyft by mistake
Couple looking at rental lease with expressions of defeat
Very long line of people waiting at a bus stop
Woman checking her phone for the next scheduled Muni while scowling
Man with Trader Joe's bags walking and texting in front of tent city underneath I-280 (too real?)
posted by en forme de poire at 6:53 PM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Gregarious Child Making Sandwiches In A Bodega At 2 AM

The gregarious children of my local bodega have grown from grade schoolers to young men while I've lived here. I still haven't unpacked all the boxes I moved in with.
posted by moonmilk at 6:54 PM on August 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


Pittsburgh:

A large man bedecked in all black and gold clutches a sandwich stuffed with french fries and cole slaw and points to a "STEELERS 2016 SUPER BOWL CHAMPS" tattoo he got after the Steelers win in week 1.

A large man, still in all black and gold, clutches a sandwich stuffed with fries and slaw as he punts a living room's worth of Steelers memorabilia into the Centralia mine fire after the Steelers lose in week 2. A laser tattoo removal brochure protrudes from his back pocket.

A large man, shrouded in black and gold and with a prominent "STEELERS 2016 SUPER BOWL CHAMPS" tattoo, clutches a sandwich stuffed with fries and slaw as he drags a living room's worth of flaming Steelers memorabilia from Centralia, PA. The Steelers have won in week 3, and the man is also screaming into his phone about how the Penguins will never ever win another game.

A large man with black and gold skin clutches a sandwich stuffed with black fries and gold slaw as he drops a cinder block on the gas pedal of his black and gold truck pointed toward Centralia, PA. A pamphlet for a local ordinance banning all members of the Steelers from Allegheny County protrudes from his back pocket, because those jagoffs lost in week 4.

A large man with black and gold skin clutches a sandwich stuffed with black anthracite and gold mine tailings as he reclines in an abandoned mine shrouded with "STEELERS PERPETUAL SUPER BOWL CHAMPS" memorabilia. Aboveground, the skyline is now a series of french fries and the Monongahela, Allegheny, and Ohio Rivers have conspired to spell "YINZ" and "N'AT". A Steelers logo is etched on the moon.
posted by Turkey Glue at 7:23 PM on August 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


I've had to live the "show you secretly thought was terrible" more than a few times

My daughter went to a new show recently with a friend, who is a journalist and had been sent to review it, so they're in the front row. Said friend had notepad on knee, started taking notes, then switched to shorthand halfway through first act ;-)
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 7:41 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


posted by 43rdAnd9th

Eponysterical!
posted by Navelgazer at 7:47 PM on August 18, 2015


And as a long(ish) term visitor to NY:

Fireman poses in front of 8th Ave fire house, apparently waiting for photographer from Vogue to arrive.

Tourist crossing 9th gets run down by delivery guy on bike riding against the traffic, with no lights, in the rain.

Yellow cab driver refuses to take fare to JFK at rush hour on a Friday.

A dozen or more police cars process slowly down 7th Ave, sirens whooping and hollering (why do they do that?)
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 8:01 PM on August 18, 2015


43rdand9th, I am told the sirens blaring stream of 25 police cars is part of some post 9/11 task force that thinks random shows of force will deter terrorism. This is from a NYC cop friend of mine. I had one of those run down by guy on bike going wrong way things. Only problem was I was jaywalking.

This was about 20 years ago, but I was walking to the subway facing oncoming traffic on 16th street just west of 3rd ave. I saw no cars coming so I stepped out between two parked cars to cross. The whole shortest distance thing. As soon as I stepped into the street I get crushed by a bicyclist. His front wheel is bend like a pretzel and my leg is not functioning due to severe pain in my knee. He starts screaming at me that I was jaywalking. I yelled back he was going the wrong way on a one way street. We were both in the wrong. He just looked at me and said, "Ok, don't do it again." I hobbled to the subway.
posted by AugustWest at 8:17 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Boston stock photos:

Diverse group of people waiting in line at Dunkies
Diverse group of people waiting in line at the other Dunkies, you know, the one across the street from the first Dunkies
Wild turkey attacks small child
Tourist asks for directions, gets laughed at
Dunkies
Diverse group of people waiting in line for the shuttle buses replacing Orange Line service
Man there are a lot of Dunkies


Fresh-Faced Student Showing Mom and Dad Around
Commuters on Train Stalled Due to Winter
Commuters on Train Stalled Due to Heat
Commuters on Train Stalled Due to Time / Object Permanence
Quebecois Tourists Accosting Summer Job Haver
Suburbanites Who Are White Even By Boston Standards Park-and-Riding to Fenway
Look of Dismay as European Tourist Realizes Silver Line is Just a Shitty Bus
Longfellow Bridge Collapse Roulette
Apartment Hunter Realizing "Inman Square" on Craigslist Covers Everywhere From Everett to Waltham
posted by threeants at 1:42 AM on August 19, 2015 [4 favorites]


My son kept warning his dad who grew up in NYC never to jaywalk or even step off the curb in LA until the light changed, as LA drivers would not stop for you like they might in NYC.
posted by mermayd at 5:42 AM on August 19, 2015


London stock photos:

Woman glaring at tourist standing on the left of the escalator.
Man glaring at tourist standing in the middle of the sidewalk gawping at nothing.


Middle-Aged American Tourist Unsteadily Yet Gleefully Riding A Boris Bike
Group of Italian/Spanish Tourists Standing In Bike Lane
Teenage Punk/Goth/Emo/Belieber Hybrids at Camden Market
Hand Holding A Kebab On The Night Bus
posted by acb at 6:19 AM on August 19, 2015


Boston:
UHaul truck stuck under Storrow/Memorial Drive overpass.
Man contemplating the unending void of nothingness that is City Hall Plaza.
Landsdowne street partiers giving aliens yet another reason to destroy the earth.

NYC:
Resident texting from the top of the stairs into the subway, oblivious to the line of people behind him.
Resident looking with despair at MTA weekend posters that say that her subway line will be down until Monday.

Also, the saying something nice about a horrible show to a cast member/director/writer? Try being their SO. Eventually Stockholm syndrome sets in and you begin to believe the play is actually quite good.
posted by Hactar at 7:03 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


Eventually Stockholm syndrome sets in and you begin to believe the play is actually quite good.

Stockholm: Guy in Viking helmet carrying a blue IKEA bag on the Tunnelbana.
posted by acb at 4:09 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


L.A.

A person with the look of dread on their face as someone hands them a demo tape or screenplay and asks for an honest opinion.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:35 AM on August 20, 2015


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