Dating app fatigue sets in
October 27, 2016 8:19 PM Subscribe
“I think the whole selling point with dating apps is ‘Oh, it’s so easy to find someone,’ and now that I’ve tried it, I’ve realized that’s actually not the case at all"--The Rise of Dating App Fatigue
okcupid is pretty great, especially as a really picky poly queer person who isn't too great at social interaction. the match percentages quickly filter out the chaff, i can check the questions directly for red flags, and verbose profiles are a nice way to get a first impression before investing any emotional energy. i pay for the a-list status, it eliminates any anxiety i have about visit notifications, and lets me see who likes me so i can investigate them more closely.
and i get to be completely hidden from straight people, which honestly has eliminated 90% of the first-message jerks. i've probably only had ten or so, and i've been using the site for more than a year.
i've made a few friends and gone on to meet about eight people, iirc, most just for one or two dates. none have panned out into anything longer term than a few months. maybe that sounds pretty terrible but personally it's my best rate outside of queer festivals.
the biggest frustration is that the app only exposes a small subset of the features available on the desktop site.
posted by i deserved this at 8:45 PM on October 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
and i get to be completely hidden from straight people, which honestly has eliminated 90% of the first-message jerks. i've probably only had ten or so, and i've been using the site for more than a year.
i've made a few friends and gone on to meet about eight people, iirc, most just for one or two dates. none have panned out into anything longer term than a few months. maybe that sounds pretty terrible but personally it's my best rate outside of queer festivals.
the biggest frustration is that the app only exposes a small subset of the features available on the desktop site.
posted by i deserved this at 8:45 PM on October 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
This article sums up my own frustration with Tinder: it's exhausting. I'm not looking for casual hook-ups, but I'm also not in a great position to date a lot of people (not enough money or time). I find it really hard to instantly click with someone through a text conversation, and putting a lot of effort into a texting relationship that probably won't go anywhere makes it hard to do much more than idle swiping. I dunno, I tend to only use Tinder when I'm feeling lonely and bored and want some light entertainment, or when it sends me a notification that it's going to hide my account if I don't use it within X days. In summary: dating fucking sucks, especially when most of your friends have settled down, and everyone's idea of a fun weekend is drinking with the same group of people at someone's house to save money. Online dating hasn't really made the process any easier for me.
posted by codacorolla at 8:52 PM on October 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by codacorolla at 8:52 PM on October 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Before this thread really gets underway, let me take you back to the old days of putting in a classified ad in the local alternative paper. That was how I met my wife of 24.95 years. We were a little ashamed of admitting that was how we met, though. We'd say, "Oh, we met through friends." Admitting you met through placing--or answering--an ad smacked of desperation. It worked well for us, though, and for me on a couple of previous occasions. It's funny, though, now: if you read the New York Times' Sunday wedding announcements, fully half of them mention OKCupid, Tinder, "online dating," or Grindr. The shame is gone.
The Atlantic article...well, you could see all the anecdotes were leading nowhere in particular, so I gave up halfway through, but oh well.
Oh, one more anecdote on offer here: when I was in high school in the 60's, we had a fling at computer dating. This was back in the days of punch cards and knitting needles for sorting out the data. I ended up on a date with a nice Jewish girl (this goyim dated almost exclusively Jewish girls). It didn't go anywhere, but I remember hearing later that in the 70's she ended up in a Maoist commune in Madison, Wisconsin. 'Night.
posted by kozad at 9:00 PM on October 27, 2016 [20 favorites]
The Atlantic article...well, you could see all the anecdotes were leading nowhere in particular, so I gave up halfway through, but oh well.
Oh, one more anecdote on offer here: when I was in high school in the 60's, we had a fling at computer dating. This was back in the days of punch cards and knitting needles for sorting out the data. I ended up on a date with a nice Jewish girl (this goyim dated almost exclusively Jewish girls). It didn't go anywhere, but I remember hearing later that in the 70's she ended up in a Maoist commune in Madison, Wisconsin. 'Night.
posted by kozad at 9:00 PM on October 27, 2016 [20 favorites]
Next week: The Rise of Trend Article Fatigue.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:06 PM on October 27, 2016 [29 favorites]
posted by Chrysostom at 9:06 PM on October 27, 2016 [29 favorites]
Wait, people use Tinder for things other than casual hookups?
Everyone I know who uses it treats it like a sex version of Hotel Tonight.
posted by rokusan at 9:09 PM on October 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
Everyone I know who uses it treats it like a sex version of Hotel Tonight.
posted by rokusan at 9:09 PM on October 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
I don't know how to evaluate whether online dating has been positive for me or not. OKCupid introduced me to three women who dumped me for men in horrifically rude ways, and I also got a lot of messages from cis man / cis woman couples looking for threesomes no matter how prominently I put no couples in my profile. If I hadn't met my current girlfriend through OKCupid I would count the experience as a total waste of my time, and of course the story there is that I was opening up the account to delete it when she messaged me.
The cis straight people I've known who've used dating apps went on 1-2 dates and then got married. I think the article does not do a good job of talking about how different the experience is for different groups.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:19 PM on October 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
The cis straight people I've known who've used dating apps went on 1-2 dates and then got married. I think the article does not do a good job of talking about how different the experience is for different groups.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:19 PM on October 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
Wait, people use Tinder for things other than casual hookups?
Dude, no lie, every single, I mean EVERY single profile I swipe right on has something along the lines of "Not looking for a hookup. No one night stands. LTR only" To me Tinder has never ever been a hookup site.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 9:33 PM on October 27, 2016 [12 favorites]
Dude, no lie, every single, I mean EVERY single profile I swipe right on has something along the lines of "Not looking for a hookup. No one night stands. LTR only" To me Tinder has never ever been a hookup site.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 9:33 PM on October 27, 2016 [12 favorites]
I don't understand how people think they are going to be able to pick someone who might work for a long term relationship based on a couple photos. Tinder sucks. It won't even let you be invisible to men if you want. I uninstalled it after an hour.
posted by possibilityleft at 9:34 PM on October 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by possibilityleft at 9:34 PM on October 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
For an article that's basically a pessimistic duplicate of a good chunk of Aziz Ansari's book Modern Romance (which is awesome btw), I'm surprised that the book doesn't even get a shoutout. One of my favorite take-aways of the book is that dating apps are really introduction apps, rather than apps where any of the actual content of dating (extended conversations, in-depth evaluation of the nuances of whether this person is a good potential partner) should happen.
“I’m going to project a really bleak theory on you,” Fetters says. “What if everyone who was going to find a happy relationship on a dating app already did? Maybe everyone who’s on Tinder now are like the last people at the party trying to go home with someone.”
This is ludicrous. So people that are potentially good partners for me never re-enter the dating pool? And no one on a dating app will ever find a happy relationship? Pretty sure that's demonstrably false.
posted by quiet coyote at 9:56 PM on October 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
“I’m going to project a really bleak theory on you,” Fetters says. “What if everyone who was going to find a happy relationship on a dating app already did? Maybe everyone who’s on Tinder now are like the last people at the party trying to go home with someone.”
This is ludicrous. So people that are potentially good partners for me never re-enter the dating pool? And no one on a dating app will ever find a happy relationship? Pretty sure that's demonstrably false.
posted by quiet coyote at 9:56 PM on October 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
I get the whole fatigue thing. I've been on OK Cupid for over eleven years now, and while I've had some luck with it in the past, lately it seems like the only people who contact me are those with whom I seem to have nothing in common. And then there was the person who struck up a conversation about books, seemed really cool, then dropped out and deactivated her account, no reason given... then came back a few days later, didn't really explain the disappearance, struck up another conversation, then said that she was leaving OKC indefinitely, no explanation this time either, seeya. I mean, I haven't given up hope entirely, but I also have a shitload of TV shows on streaming to watch, you know?
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:56 PM on October 27, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:56 PM on October 27, 2016 [14 favorites]
I still wonder at why people thought Tinder was an improvement over OKCupid type sites if you were really looking for something that was going to last longer than a night.
With Tinder you have to like each other before you can message. With OKCupid, a lot of times it's dudes sending endless messages into a howling void and women deleting 90-bajillion variations on hey bby u want some fuk?
posted by Diablevert at 9:59 PM on October 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
With Tinder you have to like each other before you can message. With OKCupid, a lot of times it's dudes sending endless messages into a howling void and women deleting 90-bajillion variations on hey bby u want some fuk?
posted by Diablevert at 9:59 PM on October 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
It is a job for sure. But I have made it into a process, and I find that if you keep throwing the proverbial pasta at the wall you meet people you want to hang out with. I gave up on "the one" many moons ago and now I just go on dates and have what I like to call "long term low commitment " relationships. They stick around for a few years, but no china pattern necessary.
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 10:42 PM on October 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 10:42 PM on October 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've never tried Tinder, and I'm so disappointed with the online dating scene that I'm not inclined to try.
I started with Grindr, which is a great way to hook up for one or two nights before it becomes obvious the other guy is trying to screw as many dudes as possible before he turns into a pumpkin or something. The idea of an LTR is so foreign to the average Grindr denizen that it's a joke. The app might as well be called Turkish Bath Housr.
So after a few months I shifted to Gay.com which turned out to be a joke. The site has a chat room that is lorded over by some of the most frustratingly petulant dears to be found anywhere on the Internet.
A couple of months later, I decided to get serious and even pay for a subscription. So I went to eHarmony, where I learned that the conservative Christian founder, only after a lawsuit forced him to do so, created a "separate but equal" gay ghetto called "Compatible Partners," which I refused to join on principle.
That led me to Match.com. A three month subscription got me about a hundred winks and a dozen emails from guys in other states, guys outside of my age range, and cis women (who were either confused about the phrase "man seeking men" or didn't care enough to read my profile before messaging me). Dating a few guys led to a two-year relationship, which was pleasant enough but ended amicably when we both decided we weren't a good long-term fit.
So now it's been a couple of years. I'm 49, which is like a hundred and twenty in gay years, and thoroughly disinclined to go through it all over again. I have a great job, good friends, and I'm happy doing things I enjoy. I'm beginning to think I'll be okay as a single guy for life.
The one saving grace of those online dating apps is that they spared me the cost, wasted time and tedium of dozens of evenings wallowing in the bar scene in order to get where I am today.
posted by darkstar at 10:50 PM on October 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
I started with Grindr, which is a great way to hook up for one or two nights before it becomes obvious the other guy is trying to screw as many dudes as possible before he turns into a pumpkin or something. The idea of an LTR is so foreign to the average Grindr denizen that it's a joke. The app might as well be called Turkish Bath Housr.
So after a few months I shifted to Gay.com which turned out to be a joke. The site has a chat room that is lorded over by some of the most frustratingly petulant dears to be found anywhere on the Internet.
A couple of months later, I decided to get serious and even pay for a subscription. So I went to eHarmony, where I learned that the conservative Christian founder, only after a lawsuit forced him to do so, created a "separate but equal" gay ghetto called "Compatible Partners," which I refused to join on principle.
That led me to Match.com. A three month subscription got me about a hundred winks and a dozen emails from guys in other states, guys outside of my age range, and cis women (who were either confused about the phrase "man seeking men" or didn't care enough to read my profile before messaging me). Dating a few guys led to a two-year relationship, which was pleasant enough but ended amicably when we both decided we weren't a good long-term fit.
So now it's been a couple of years. I'm 49, which is like a hundred and twenty in gay years, and thoroughly disinclined to go through it all over again. I have a great job, good friends, and I'm happy doing things I enjoy. I'm beginning to think I'll be okay as a single guy for life.
The one saving grace of those online dating apps is that they spared me the cost, wasted time and tedium of dozens of evenings wallowing in the bar scene in order to get where I am today.
posted by darkstar at 10:50 PM on October 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
I would like to put in a defence of tinder and the like.
I have never been in a relationship and i can count the times i have been asked out irl on one hand.
The rise of internet dating made it easy for me, as a woman in a conservative country, to be the one saying lets meet for coffe. And have i found a relationship? No, but date after date i have built experience, found my confidence and narrowed down what I like and dislike, something I would not be able to do without the casual attitude of tinder. Will I get a ltr from tinder? Maybe, but probably not. Yet it still unfunked my dating mojo and gave me hope.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 11:46 PM on October 27, 2016 [23 favorites]
I have never been in a relationship and i can count the times i have been asked out irl on one hand.
The rise of internet dating made it easy for me, as a woman in a conservative country, to be the one saying lets meet for coffe. And have i found a relationship? No, but date after date i have built experience, found my confidence and narrowed down what I like and dislike, something I would not be able to do without the casual attitude of tinder. Will I get a ltr from tinder? Maybe, but probably not. Yet it still unfunked my dating mojo and gave me hope.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 11:46 PM on October 27, 2016 [23 favorites]
The swiping apps have turned out to be a near complete bust for me (in addition to Tinder being buggy and crashy, even on the latest hardware). I've had better luck with Craigslist. And to some degree with OKC. But in general, better with real life.
The easy conclusion to this is that my personality is stronger than my appearance. I think that's consistent with various direct and subtle feedback I've gotten from people over the course of my life, so that's my default hypothesis.
But on the other hand, one of the things I've been thinking about is the basic principle that technology tends to amplify existing facts about human society and habit and nature more often than it tends to fundamentally alter them. So, amplified opportunity for introduction, disdain/rejection, for trying to get the attention of as many people as possible, for selectively refusing all but the most compelling, for getting tired of the whole game. Women, if your problem has been the quality of the attention you get, it's amplified. Men, if your problem has been getting the attention of quality, well, amplified.
The whole in-person self-introduction-then-make-date thing was never easy, but it was at the usual human scale.
posted by wildblueyonder at 12:49 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
The easy conclusion to this is that my personality is stronger than my appearance. I think that's consistent with various direct and subtle feedback I've gotten from people over the course of my life, so that's my default hypothesis.
But on the other hand, one of the things I've been thinking about is the basic principle that technology tends to amplify existing facts about human society and habit and nature more often than it tends to fundamentally alter them. So, amplified opportunity for introduction, disdain/rejection, for trying to get the attention of as many people as possible, for selectively refusing all but the most compelling, for getting tired of the whole game. Women, if your problem has been the quality of the attention you get, it's amplified. Men, if your problem has been getting the attention of quality, well, amplified.
The whole in-person self-introduction-then-make-date thing was never easy, but it was at the usual human scale.
posted by wildblueyonder at 12:49 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Tinder has been interesting for me. I went on a few dates at first, and quickly fell into a similar fatigue as described in the article. It felt cheap to know that I could just swipe on the next person in case everything didn't magically work out immediately.
But at the same time, I met my current partner on there, and this is going super well, so chalk one up for Tinder success, I guess?
posted by vernondalhart at 1:17 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
But at the same time, I met my current partner on there, and this is going super well, so chalk one up for Tinder success, I guess?
posted by vernondalhart at 1:17 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Met the woman of my dreams shortly after deleting my OK Cupid and Tinder accounts and resolving to "go to a ton of community events" (which someone in the article thinks is crazy!) I think it took about four community events.
Try it! It's so much better. Before, I was at home trying for a good selfie like someone from a Black Mirror episode or being artificially inserted into these alienating dates at bars.
If you go out to do something else, not only do you have a meaningful shared context but you at least spent your night on an interesting new community event instead of re-tuning the language in your profile or managing cute IM threads like an unpaid social media consultant.
posted by johngoren at 1:24 AM on October 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
Try it! It's so much better. Before, I was at home trying for a good selfie like someone from a Black Mirror episode or being artificially inserted into these alienating dates at bars.
If you go out to do something else, not only do you have a meaningful shared context but you at least spent your night on an interesting new community event instead of re-tuning the language in your profile or managing cute IM threads like an unpaid social media consultant.
posted by johngoren at 1:24 AM on October 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
Boy am I glad I'm not single.
posted by jonmc at 4:26 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 4:26 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
I'm glad I'm not interested in dating.
It always seemed so incredibly difficult. I mean, it's hard enough to make friends as an adult, much less find a potential partner. Online or offline, you only "click" with certain people.
I like that meeting thrugh dating sites is more normalized now, so more people will try it, and then not feel ashamed to admit how they met if it worked, but -- I feel bad for people who've been told it's "easy" to meet people online, and feel like they're failures if it didn't work out. They're not failures! They're just trying to do something that, theoretically, probably shouldn't even be possible. I'm confused that it ever even works.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:37 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
It always seemed so incredibly difficult. I mean, it's hard enough to make friends as an adult, much less find a potential partner. Online or offline, you only "click" with certain people.
I like that meeting thrugh dating sites is more normalized now, so more people will try it, and then not feel ashamed to admit how they met if it worked, but -- I feel bad for people who've been told it's "easy" to meet people online, and feel like they're failures if it didn't work out. They're not failures! They're just trying to do something that, theoretically, probably shouldn't even be possible. I'm confused that it ever even works.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:37 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I've been online dating for about 7 years now, almost entirely on OkCupid. I've definitely felt less enthusiastic about it lately. Part of it is a certain sameness. There's kind of a default ironic unseriousness to every answer to every question, which I'm guilty of myself, so even choosing people to message seems like throwing darts at a wall. So the idea in the Atlantic article of the perception of diminishing returns holds true for me. But it's less about the quality of the dating pool and more about the mechanics of it.
To johngoren's point, I've definitely been trying to spend more time offline, if only to try to actually enjoy myself, whatever else happens.
I loved Aziz Ansari's book, too.
posted by AndrewInDC at 4:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
To johngoren's point, I've definitely been trying to spend more time offline, if only to try to actually enjoy myself, whatever else happens.
I loved Aziz Ansari's book, too.
posted by AndrewInDC at 4:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Part of it is a certain sameness.
This is a major part of what put me off OKCupid, and dating apps in general. In my mid-20s living in London there were hundreds of matches for me, and looking through them they very rapidly became formulaic: Here's where I indicate that I'm quirky, that I like travel, I go out but also sometimes like staying in, I like posh teas, here are my (pop) cultural shibboleths... I was reading hundreds of variants on the same list of "here's the version of myself that I think the person I think I want will think that they want". It all felt so hollow and, ultimately, alienating. Of course we all present different versions of ourselves in different settings, and we won't get to meet someone's True Inner SelfTM when we bump into them at a running group or whatever, but at least it's less obviously conversing with a sales pitch.
posted by metaBugs at 5:42 AM on October 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
This is a major part of what put me off OKCupid, and dating apps in general. In my mid-20s living in London there were hundreds of matches for me, and looking through them they very rapidly became formulaic: Here's where I indicate that I'm quirky, that I like travel, I go out but also sometimes like staying in, I like posh teas, here are my (pop) cultural shibboleths... I was reading hundreds of variants on the same list of "here's the version of myself that I think the person I think I want will think that they want". It all felt so hollow and, ultimately, alienating. Of course we all present different versions of ourselves in different settings, and we won't get to meet someone's True Inner SelfTM when we bump into them at a running group or whatever, but at least it's less obviously conversing with a sales pitch.
posted by metaBugs at 5:42 AM on October 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
I have so much dating app fatigue. I'm 37, and have a wonderful group of friends and an active social life in a vibrant city. But, all of my friends are coupled with the exception of myself and 2 other single women, and we talk pretty frequently about how the game is just OLD. I've been on OKC for a few years and had almost no success. Wading through a sea of "hey u have a pretty smile whachoo doin l8r" trying to find a glimmer of hope is exhausting, and I barely ever open the app anymore. I tried Tinder for a hot second, only to be put off by the fact that I only got hookup requests. I do go to bars....all the time in fact. But maybe "girl who might be single having a blast with a group of people" doesn't invite new interactions.
I'm happy being single, but I'd also like to have a partner. I think I'm a reasonably attractive, interesting woman with a lot to offer, but I'm so put off by dating sites lately that the apathy they describe (in this rather mediocre article) truly has set in.
posted by tryniti at 6:50 AM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm happy being single, but I'd also like to have a partner. I think I'm a reasonably attractive, interesting woman with a lot to offer, but I'm so put off by dating sites lately that the apathy they describe (in this rather mediocre article) truly has set in.
posted by tryniti at 6:50 AM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
I know a lot of young happening queer people who use Tinder (which for a long time I thought was spelled Tindr and was supposed to be Grindr for straight people). I don't know if it's the people I know or what, but it has pretty much been a horrible disaster for them - too much intimacy way too fast, usually with multiple people (when it would be better to give more time to one relationship before adding another - "what if poly, but too much" is the issue). A lot of people without good boundaries, a lot of getting fixated on someone based on their appearance and trying to be compatible because you look compatible visually. Everyone is all "oh Frowner you should try it" and I'm like, "this is as if you were telling me 'oh Frowner you should hit your head against the wall a few times, it's great'".
The thing is, I grew up really solitary - really solitary! the bullied child of eccentric and extremely introverted parents! - and it's hard for me to be emotionally present enough to make dating fair to the other person. The type of people I tend to like are just...really solid people, you know? Focused, serious, together lives, etc. And I am the type of person who can handle, like, hanging out once or maybe twice a week but needs a lot of alone time - not the kind of person you can build a life with.
In theory, Tinder should be perfect, because it seems low-commitment and the people who are really into it around here don't seem to be into emotionally heavy-duty stuff. But I find the amount of low-level engagement you need in order to sift through umpteen bazillion profiles, present your best self, keep up with how one is supposed to be, etc, also very tiring.
In another age, I would have been the weird person living in a crumbling cottage deep in the woods, I guess.
posted by Frowner at 7:00 AM on October 28, 2016 [17 favorites]
The thing is, I grew up really solitary - really solitary! the bullied child of eccentric and extremely introverted parents! - and it's hard for me to be emotionally present enough to make dating fair to the other person. The type of people I tend to like are just...really solid people, you know? Focused, serious, together lives, etc. And I am the type of person who can handle, like, hanging out once or maybe twice a week but needs a lot of alone time - not the kind of person you can build a life with.
In theory, Tinder should be perfect, because it seems low-commitment and the people who are really into it around here don't seem to be into emotionally heavy-duty stuff. But I find the amount of low-level engagement you need in order to sift through umpteen bazillion profiles, present your best self, keep up with how one is supposed to be, etc, also very tiring.
In another age, I would have been the weird person living in a crumbling cottage deep in the woods, I guess.
posted by Frowner at 7:00 AM on October 28, 2016 [17 favorites]
The question is not if they work, because they obviously can, but how well do they work? Are they effective and enjoyable to use?No. But that's true of all forms of dating, not just online, isn't it?
posted by clawsoon at 7:04 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've tried OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, and most recently Bumble. All experiences were universally awful.
OKCupid was just a parade of bad dating app tropes. I got young guys in their twenties looking for a mommy and giving me hilarious white boy texting come ons looking for a quick hook up. Or older guys trying to groom me using lines from the 'how to spot an abuser' pamphlet the ladies at the domestic violence shelter gave me. Lesbians would message me to say how disappointing it was that I was bisexual and was I really sure? Oh and I got couples looking for a third. The only completely 100% normal message I got was from an awesome bi lady who was in the right age range and everything! Only to find out she was in Texas and was like, "But we could still be friends even if you're in Jersey, right?"
POF was a lot of bots trying to get me to check out their sex site.
Bumble. Oh, bumble. They apparently had really high hopes for me. I'm not sure how I was allowed to join as everyone they paired me with was slim, gorgeous, and either founded a start up, was into cross fit, or totally an extra in whatever indie thing Joseph Gordon-Levitt is promoting. They all went to Burning Man and think it's too commercial. They all have pictures of themselves on some foreign beach or on a mountain. Also, they all live in NYC and screw you if you think they're going to leave there to date you despite loving to travel being their shtick.
Meanwhile I'm this troll faced loser beach ball in a Doctor Who t-shirt wondering where the NJ SCA nerds with emotional baggage are, not getting a single reply back.
There needs to be a middle ground between a slime bath with sexual predators and judgy lesbians and the American Apparel breeding camps. But there isn't and I've decided I'm going to be okay with being single the rest of my life because while loneliness probably won't kill me, there's a chance continuing to use these dating apps will.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 7:08 AM on October 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
OKCupid was just a parade of bad dating app tropes. I got young guys in their twenties looking for a mommy and giving me hilarious white boy texting come ons looking for a quick hook up. Or older guys trying to groom me using lines from the 'how to spot an abuser' pamphlet the ladies at the domestic violence shelter gave me. Lesbians would message me to say how disappointing it was that I was bisexual and was I really sure? Oh and I got couples looking for a third. The only completely 100% normal message I got was from an awesome bi lady who was in the right age range and everything! Only to find out she was in Texas and was like, "But we could still be friends even if you're in Jersey, right?"
POF was a lot of bots trying to get me to check out their sex site.
Bumble. Oh, bumble. They apparently had really high hopes for me. I'm not sure how I was allowed to join as everyone they paired me with was slim, gorgeous, and either founded a start up, was into cross fit, or totally an extra in whatever indie thing Joseph Gordon-Levitt is promoting. They all went to Burning Man and think it's too commercial. They all have pictures of themselves on some foreign beach or on a mountain. Also, they all live in NYC and screw you if you think they're going to leave there to date you despite loving to travel being their shtick.
Meanwhile I'm this troll faced loser beach ball in a Doctor Who t-shirt wondering where the NJ SCA nerds with emotional baggage are, not getting a single reply back.
There needs to be a middle ground between a slime bath with sexual predators and judgy lesbians and the American Apparel breeding camps. But there isn't and I've decided I'm going to be okay with being single the rest of my life because while loneliness probably won't kill me, there's a chance continuing to use these dating apps will.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 7:08 AM on October 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
Next week: The Rise of Trend Article Fatigue.
Maybe for the readers.
The writers have been using a Word macro for at least a decade now.
posted by srboisvert at 7:19 AM on October 28, 2016
Maybe for the readers.
The writers have been using a Word macro for at least a decade now.
posted by srboisvert at 7:19 AM on October 28, 2016
I never installed Tinder because I'd heard from other lesbians that even if you say you're a woman looking for women and you don't want to see men, it still shows you men and shows you to men. I get enough male entitlement without using an app that is literally programmed to prioritize men'a desires over my own orientation.
As far as going to a lot of community events goes, I have tried that and just met a lot of straight people and curious couples. Works great for my straight friends, does not work great for me and is a lot of why I was using online dating to start with.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:40 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
As far as going to a lot of community events goes, I have tried that and just met a lot of straight people and curious couples. Works great for my straight friends, does not work great for me and is a lot of why I was using online dating to start with.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:40 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've used online dating for about a decade, if one includes all the OKC precursor-type things.
I think the comment about them really being 'introduction' apps is worth restating.
If, by some miracle of suspension of expectation and human judgement, you can separate the experience from 'hoping this actually results in a healthy relationship' and just look at the results pragmatically-- 'I input data X and received person Y as output.' They work.
The actual results I have received, would probably be best framed as a real-world crash course in becoming Just Absolutely Amazing at Dates One thru Three-- a grueling (and unchanging) path from coffee (or tea) in a well lit public place to Netflix + And Modest Takeout of Her Choice.
Meaning-- YMMV, and it seems on the other side of the experience(s), just a remarkably unrealistic problem to attack via algorithm and data.
A) It's almost impossible to condense an adult human to a parseable and uniformly attractive one-pager of data and 3 photos (this is me on a hike in foreign clime)
B) Your odds of doing this yourself via any other method randomly will probably get similar results. (For free)
C) If you are part of a small demographic where A and B don't fit, online services serve exactly the same niche that the Lonelyhearts section of newspapers used to.
I like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, etc.
posted by mrdaneri at 7:47 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think the comment about them really being 'introduction' apps is worth restating.
If, by some miracle of suspension of expectation and human judgement, you can separate the experience from 'hoping this actually results in a healthy relationship' and just look at the results pragmatically-- 'I input data X and received person Y as output.' They work.
The actual results I have received, would probably be best framed as a real-world crash course in becoming Just Absolutely Amazing at Dates One thru Three-- a grueling (and unchanging) path from coffee (or tea) in a well lit public place to Netflix + And Modest Takeout of Her Choice.
Meaning-- YMMV, and it seems on the other side of the experience(s), just a remarkably unrealistic problem to attack via algorithm and data.
A) It's almost impossible to condense an adult human to a parseable and uniformly attractive one-pager of data and 3 photos (this is me on a hike in foreign clime)
B) Your odds of doing this yourself via any other method randomly will probably get similar results. (For free)
C) If you are part of a small demographic where A and B don't fit, online services serve exactly the same niche that the Lonelyhearts section of newspapers used to.
I like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, etc.
posted by mrdaneri at 7:47 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
"I think the whole selling point with dating apps is ‘Oh, it’s so easy to find someone,’ and now that I’ve tried it, I’ve realized that’s actually not the case at all."
This was true 25 years ago on Usenet and Yahoo. I guess discovering the discovered is still discovery.
posted by Melismata at 8:04 AM on October 28, 2016
This was true 25 years ago on Usenet and Yahoo. I guess discovering the discovered is still discovery.
posted by Melismata at 8:04 AM on October 28, 2016
A good friend found his long term partner on the uk.singles newsgroup. Now that’s a blast from the past. (Said partner wasn’t even from the UK either! What they were doing posting to uk.singles I’ve no idea...)
quiet coyote: “I’m going to project a really bleak theory on you,” Fetters says. “What if everyone who was going to find a happy relationship on a dating app already did? Maybe everyone who’s on Tinder now are like the last people at the party trying to go home with someone.”
This is ludicrous. So people that are potentially good partners for me never re-enter the dating pool? And no one on a dating app will ever find a happy relationship? Pretty sure that's demonstrably false.
No, it just means that the way the numbers work means that by definition the dating pool is always dominated by the people who take longest to find a partner: "Good" people (handsome / well educated / able to hold down a job / actually looking for a partner / pick your positive qualities) will pair off relatively rapidly if they want to, which inevitably leaves the dating pool full of the attractive but unwilling to commit & the unattractive (by community norms).
That’s just the way the mathematics works out unfortunately :(
posted by pharm at 8:16 AM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
quiet coyote: “I’m going to project a really bleak theory on you,” Fetters says. “What if everyone who was going to find a happy relationship on a dating app already did? Maybe everyone who’s on Tinder now are like the last people at the party trying to go home with someone.”
This is ludicrous. So people that are potentially good partners for me never re-enter the dating pool? And no one on a dating app will ever find a happy relationship? Pretty sure that's demonstrably false.
No, it just means that the way the numbers work means that by definition the dating pool is always dominated by the people who take longest to find a partner: "Good" people (handsome / well educated / able to hold down a job / actually looking for a partner / pick your positive qualities) will pair off relatively rapidly if they want to, which inevitably leaves the dating pool full of the attractive but unwilling to commit & the unattractive (by community norms).
That’s just the way the mathematics works out unfortunately :(
posted by pharm at 8:16 AM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
"which inevitably leaves the dating pool full of the attractive but unwilling to commit & the unattractive (by community norms)."
Yay me. :-(
posted by sutt at 8:32 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Yay me. :-(
posted by sutt at 8:32 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Boy am I glad I'm not single.
Boy am I glad that I don't give a fuck anymore that I am single.
posted by strelitzia at 8:45 AM on October 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
Boy am I glad that I don't give a fuck anymore that I am single.
posted by strelitzia at 8:45 AM on October 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
Dating: still a pain in the ass. It's honestly a relief, to be single and not looking. I'm sure at some point I'll feel like I want a partner again, but I'm not looking forward to the searching process.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
(Incidentally, this article is a classic submarine.)
posted by pharm at 9:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by pharm at 9:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I met my awesome boyfriend on Bumble earlier this year, after 10 or more years on and off dating apps, meeting people IRL etc. I had other relationships in that time but nothing like this one, where parents have been met, holidays planned etc. I think this is less the effect of Bumble than the fact that he is an honest to goodness great guy who is looking for a relationship and not either a funtime toy or instant babymaker, like almost all the other guys I have met.
I think the "women talk first" aspect of Bumble was good for him though, since he's a bit reserved.
posted by zutalors! at 9:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think the "women talk first" aspect of Bumble was good for him though, since he's a bit reserved.
posted by zutalors! at 9:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I guess discovering the discovered is still discovery.
Yes - and it can be construed as "fun"- if you encounter one of the unknowing "10,000" on any given day.
posted by jkaczor at 9:16 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yes - and it can be construed as "fun"- if you encounter one of the unknowing "10,000" on any given day.
posted by jkaczor at 9:16 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
"Good" people (handsome / well educated / able to hold down a job / actually looking for a partner / pick your positive qualities) will pair off relatively rapidly if they want to, which inevitably leaves the dating pool full of the attractive but unwilling to commit & the unattractive (by community norms).
This is kind of gross and doesn't take into account the way things like race intersect with dating stats, especially on dating apps.
posted by zutalors! at 10:14 AM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
This is kind of gross and doesn't take into account the way things like race intersect with dating stats, especially on dating apps.
posted by zutalors! at 10:14 AM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Dating has definitely got a musical chairs quality to it don't it?
These apps are so much like looking for a job and the transactional nature of it tends to bleed over into the dates for me. It's a terrible start.
Dating apps have certainly made it more difficult to meet folks in non-app spaces. One nice effect though? Since hardly anyone asks for numbers anymore, it's at least novel, and there's a chance you might be remembered.
Now if only there were some way to repeat chance encounters that didn't look like stalking. In a city of millions, it's very easy to never run across the same person twice.
posted by Strange_Robinson at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2016
These apps are so much like looking for a job and the transactional nature of it tends to bleed over into the dates for me. It's a terrible start.
Dating apps have certainly made it more difficult to meet folks in non-app spaces. One nice effect though? Since hardly anyone asks for numbers anymore, it's at least novel, and there's a chance you might be remembered.
Now if only there were some way to repeat chance encounters that didn't look like stalking. In a city of millions, it's very easy to never run across the same person twice.
posted by Strange_Robinson at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2016
Online dating sites/apps are just a tool, as many above have said. Personally, OKC has been great to me. I went with the "total honesty" profile. I drink more than most and lack ambition. Oh, and I like psychedelics. If this bothers you, move along. If it doesn't, let's take some acid and go to the model railroad museum.
Sure, I don't have a great response rate, but the people who do respond are a lot of fun.
posted by booooooze at 11:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Sure, I don't have a great response rate, but the people who do respond are a lot of fun.
posted by booooooze at 11:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
I don't know if it's the people I know or what, but it has pretty much been a horrible disaster for them - too much intimacy way too fast, usually with multiple people (when it would be better to give more time to one relationship before adding another - "what if poly, but too much" is the issue). A lot of people without good boundaries, a lot of getting fixated on someone based on their appearance and trying to be compatible because you look compatible visually.
Hahahahaha... haha... ha 😢
Basically everyone I know has these same tinder stories, and at least a coupe WOAH THERE experiences with boundary crashing and people escalating super fast that just... at least I personally hadn't encountered in normal dating until after I used it(but have since, ugh).
Everyone says they only want something serious on their profile then does/acts like the exact opposite and then gets upset when nothing serious comes out of it. Or the reverse. Or they ignore direct statements about boundaries/what you're looking for.
You could right an entire other article on ~tinder culture~ and people flat out stating they want one thing, you stating what you want, and them doing utterly the opposite.
It makes me want to be a cave hermit sometimes, yea. The only upside is when I meet someone on there, and it goes sideways or escalates out of control and I back off, at least I don't have to see them every time I go to my favorite bar.
Heck.
posted by emptythought at 11:59 AM on October 28, 2016
Hahahahaha... haha... ha 😢
Basically everyone I know has these same tinder stories, and at least a coupe WOAH THERE experiences with boundary crashing and people escalating super fast that just... at least I personally hadn't encountered in normal dating until after I used it(but have since, ugh).
Everyone says they only want something serious on their profile then does/acts like the exact opposite and then gets upset when nothing serious comes out of it. Or the reverse. Or they ignore direct statements about boundaries/what you're looking for.
You could right an entire other article on ~tinder culture~ and people flat out stating they want one thing, you stating what you want, and them doing utterly the opposite.
It makes me want to be a cave hermit sometimes, yea. The only upside is when I meet someone on there, and it goes sideways or escalates out of control and I back off, at least I don't have to see them every time I go to my favorite bar.
Heck.
posted by emptythought at 11:59 AM on October 28, 2016
Personally, OKC has been great to me. I went with the "total honesty" profile.
Oh, man. I saw one recently that described herself as a total train wreck, and even though there are more red flags than a Communist Party convention, I still think, "but no surprises, at least."
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:04 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oh, man. I saw one recently that described herself as a total train wreck, and even though there are more red flags than a Communist Party convention, I still think, "but no surprises, at least."
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:04 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just the other week I deleted all my online dating profiles, and then this article came out and articulated exactly why I did it! I'd like another relationship some day...but there are more fulfilling things I can do with my limited time on this planet than swipe my way through thousands of strangers.
posted by theseldomseenkid at 12:39 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by theseldomseenkid at 12:39 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I met my partner of going on ten years on OKC! And absolutely no one at all worth my time ever since! (We're poly.) So, hey, it works once every ten years, right!?
Full disclosure: We lived on opposite sides of the country when he sent the first message.
posted by zeusianfog at 12:56 PM on October 28, 2016
Full disclosure: We lived on opposite sides of the country when he sent the first message.
posted by zeusianfog at 12:56 PM on October 28, 2016
Admitting you met through placing--or answering--an ad smacked of desperation. It worked well for us, though, and for me on a couple of previous occasions. It's funny, though, now: if you read the New York Times' Sunday wedding announcements, fully half of them mention OKCupid, Tinder, "online dating," or Grindr. The shame is gone.
I second this very much. I did ads in the SF Weekly in the 90s just when it was becoming acceptable but still had that tinge of patheticness. But as a socially inept person with serious anxiety, I found the process liberating. You didn't have to wade through the confusion of just finding a person who was available & of your orientation (in the adrogynous 80s that was sort of tough for someone like me with a broken gaydar {thanks, David Bowie}), let alone interested.
I met people I never would've met through my limited social circle and it cut the agonizing processes in half. Then I went through Craigslist and had some shady but some good experiences. I'm too old and ineligible for the apps nowadays but I wish I'd had them growing up. Would've saved a lot of awkward navigations through singledom.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 2:10 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I second this very much. I did ads in the SF Weekly in the 90s just when it was becoming acceptable but still had that tinge of patheticness. But as a socially inept person with serious anxiety, I found the process liberating. You didn't have to wade through the confusion of just finding a person who was available & of your orientation (in the adrogynous 80s that was sort of tough for someone like me with a broken gaydar {thanks, David Bowie}), let alone interested.
I met people I never would've met through my limited social circle and it cut the agonizing processes in half. Then I went through Craigslist and had some shady but some good experiences. I'm too old and ineligible for the apps nowadays but I wish I'd had them growing up. Would've saved a lot of awkward navigations through singledom.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 2:10 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Moira Weigel is a historian and author of the recent book Labor of Love, in which she chronicles how dating has always been difficult, and always been in flux. But there is something “historically new” about our current era, she says. “Dating has always been work,” she says. “But what’s ironic is that more of the work now is not actually around the interaction that you have with a person, it’s around the selection process, and the process of self-presentation. That does feel different than before.”
I thought this was pretty interesting
posted by rebent at 2:15 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I thought this was pretty interesting
posted by rebent at 2:15 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Are dating apps exhausting because of some fundamental problem with the apps, or just because dating is always frustrating and disappointing?
Though I can't say I've used the apps, I'm going to go with the latter.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 2:17 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Though I can't say I've used the apps, I'm going to go with the latter.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 2:17 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is kind of gross and doesn't take into account the way things like race intersect with dating stats, especially on dating apps.
Of course it’s kind of gross: It’s also reality. Go read the OKC blog posts (Well, apart from the ones you can’t read any more after they were bought my match.com) if you want to see the seedy underbelly of the dating world flipped onto its back and dissected.
posted by pharm at 2:52 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Of course it’s kind of gross: It’s also reality. Go read the OKC blog posts (Well, apart from the ones you can’t read any more after they were bought my match.com) if you want to see the seedy underbelly of the dating world flipped onto its back and dissected.
posted by pharm at 2:52 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
let me take you back to the old days of putting in a classified ad in the local alternative paper.
Then there were the phone personals of the early 80s, where you had something like 90 seconds to cram everything interesting abput yourself into your greeting. Ugggggghhhh.
Boy am I glad I'm not single.
This always seems like a crummy thing to drop in posts about single people. Is there any other topic where this is okay?
posted by Room 641-A at 3:06 PM on October 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
Then there were the phone personals of the early 80s, where you had something like 90 seconds to cram everything interesting abput yourself into your greeting. Ugggggghhhh.
Boy am I glad I'm not single.
This always seems like a crummy thing to drop in posts about single people. Is there any other topic where this is okay?
posted by Room 641-A at 3:06 PM on October 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
The app might as well be called Turkish Bath Housr.
Can't comment right now. Firing up XCode and making coffee...
posted by rokusan at 3:14 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Can't comment right now. Firing up XCode and making coffee...
posted by rokusan at 3:14 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
I think it's crappy to gloat about being coupled in these threads too. Like bragging about having money in a thread on poverty.
posted by zutalors! at 3:38 PM on October 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by zutalors! at 3:38 PM on October 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
MetaLove should totally happen. And it should be a text-only, once-per-season blinded matchmaking system, run by a rotating council of AskMe elders. Possibly on a Google spreadsheet, akin to Quonsar.
posted by ead at 4:54 PM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by ead at 4:54 PM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
I feel very grateful that dating apps exist. I am not good at meeting people in person - at least, not strangers in bars or at concerts. I'm still single, but I don't think I can blame that on OKC.
posted by bunderful at 5:23 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bunderful at 5:23 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Dating via app is tragically unfair and undeniably inefficient....which makes it similar to dating by any other method. I'm a fan because I can do it in my underwear.
posted by midmarch snowman at 6:29 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by midmarch snowman at 6:29 PM on October 28, 2016
"This always seems like a crummy thing to drop in posts about single people. Is there any other topic where this is okay?"
Just to be contrarian (read: asshole), there are a number of posts recounting personal tragedies like Cancer where people comment "so happy my mother has been successful in her battle with Ovarian CA so far." I get what you're saying though, and I definitely forced me to check myself before commenting on my own online dating history.
But... meh, I like hearing success stories, even if there's an element of gloating. Hell, as a society we allow people to throw gigantic parties just to allow them to be the center of attention in their gloating on (hopefully) never being single again. Is it fair? Probably not. But I like it when people are happy... and I say this as someone who, two months ago, was dumped on my ass harder than I ever had been before.
posted by midmarch snowman at 6:43 PM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Just to be contrarian (read: asshole), there are a number of posts recounting personal tragedies like Cancer where people comment "so happy my mother has been successful in her battle with Ovarian CA so far." I get what you're saying though, and I definitely forced me to check myself before commenting on my own online dating history.
But... meh, I like hearing success stories, even if there's an element of gloating. Hell, as a society we allow people to throw gigantic parties just to allow them to be the center of attention in their gloating on (hopefully) never being single again. Is it fair? Probably not. But I like it when people are happy... and I say this as someone who, two months ago, was dumped on my ass harder than I ever had been before.
posted by midmarch snowman at 6:43 PM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think it's crappy to gloat about being coupled in these threads too
I interpreted it as "wow it sounds rough out there" or "there but for the grace of God go I" because damn, dating is hard. It can have its exhilirating moments but yeah.
On another note on the old timey analog vs online dating, I found the idea of getting tired of swiping very odd to me. This sounds like a much more preferable process of not seeing who rejects you by your looks and immediate impressions on your personality than face to face rejection, be it dismissal, repulsion, derision, etc. (or maybe I'm just really fucking paranoid; many people told me I was very attractive, but any rejection just killed me). I found that process excrutiating; it's equally awkward to be in the position of having to reject someone right from the get-go. Sure, sooner or later it will come up in the dating process, but to do so much of the initial presentation, selection and weeding process face to face crushed my already broken self-esteem. I wouldn't go back to those days for anything.
I'd rather not know about the legions who pass my photo and profile by.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 10:53 PM on October 28, 2016
I interpreted it as "wow it sounds rough out there" or "there but for the grace of God go I" because damn, dating is hard. It can have its exhilirating moments but yeah.
On another note on the old timey analog vs online dating, I found the idea of getting tired of swiping very odd to me. This sounds like a much more preferable process of not seeing who rejects you by your looks and immediate impressions on your personality than face to face rejection, be it dismissal, repulsion, derision, etc. (or maybe I'm just really fucking paranoid; many people told me I was very attractive, but any rejection just killed me). I found that process excrutiating; it's equally awkward to be in the position of having to reject someone right from the get-go. Sure, sooner or later it will come up in the dating process, but to do so much of the initial presentation, selection and weeding process face to face crushed my already broken self-esteem. I wouldn't go back to those days for anything.
I'd rather not know about the legions who pass my photo and profile by.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 10:53 PM on October 28, 2016
so happy my mother has been successful in her battle with Ovarian CA so far."
Is not the same as "Boy I'm glad I don't have cancer."
posted by Room 641-A at 12:25 AM on October 29, 2016
Is not the same as "Boy I'm glad I don't have cancer."
posted by Room 641-A at 12:25 AM on October 29, 2016
I hear what you're saying about analog versus digital, but there's learned skills all around. I've spent months on dating sites and never gotten a response back. Except for the occasional bot, it's like a ghost-town.
I know I just need to get over my dislike of cameras. I need to get used to always thinking about taking pictures, etc, if I want to get good at selfies. To care about lighting and quality of picture and framing and all the software that goes with it. The last thing I'm thinking about when I get to the top of a mountain is a picture. And then the effort it takes to fake a smile. These are all learned skills that are second nature to younger folk.
I'd still rather take rejection from the couple of gals I approach as opposed to the implied rejection of millions. The quoted 1 in 500 for an exchange of phone numbers sounds about right to me.
I've seriously considered writing a bot that would do the work for me. Seems only fair, yeah? I can't quite make myself swipe yes on every potential like I've heard some do.
I'm old though, and it's nothing new being completely bewildered at how much has changed. And there's always men. They are way easier.
posted by Strange_Robinson at 4:05 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
I know I just need to get over my dislike of cameras. I need to get used to always thinking about taking pictures, etc, if I want to get good at selfies. To care about lighting and quality of picture and framing and all the software that goes with it. The last thing I'm thinking about when I get to the top of a mountain is a picture. And then the effort it takes to fake a smile. These are all learned skills that are second nature to younger folk.
I'd still rather take rejection from the couple of gals I approach as opposed to the implied rejection of millions. The quoted 1 in 500 for an exchange of phone numbers sounds about right to me.
I've seriously considered writing a bot that would do the work for me. Seems only fair, yeah? I can't quite make myself swipe yes on every potential like I've heard some do.
I'm old though, and it's nothing new being completely bewildered at how much has changed. And there's always men. They are way easier.
posted by Strange_Robinson at 4:05 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
I came back into just relate one more thing because while using OKCupid I had one guy tell me something like I can prove I look like I do in my pictures, I can snap a picture right now and send it to you. And because I was brand new at this point to dating apps and online dating was like, sure! Gave him an email.
To this day I still get random dick pics. Just like, "Hey, how's it going?" 8==o "Hope to hear from you." Like my personal pen pal just happens to be a penis.
But yeah. Dating online these days... so fun.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 5:53 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
To this day I still get random dick pics. Just like, "Hey, how's it going?" 8==o "Hope to hear from you." Like my personal pen pal just happens to be a penis.
But yeah. Dating online these days... so fun.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 5:53 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'd rather not know about the legions who pass my photo and profile by.
I've tried to set mine up to discourage people who aren't a good match. If they want kids, are deeply Christian, smoke, vote Republican, or are just looking for casual sex, it's really okay for them to not message me.
posted by bunderful at 5:54 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've tried to set mine up to discourage people who aren't a good match. If they want kids, are deeply Christian, smoke, vote Republican, or are just looking for casual sex, it's really okay for them to not message me.
posted by bunderful at 5:54 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is kind of gross and doesn't take into account the way things like race intersect with dating stats, especially on dating apps.
Um, but race does make people undesireable by community norms. The white version of me out there isn't single at 30, probably, and doesn't have the same experience dating a bunch of socially tonedeaf weirdos who treat WOC as practice girlfriends.
posted by blerghamot at 5:17 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Um, but race does make people undesireable by community norms. The white version of me out there isn't single at 30, probably, and doesn't have the same experience dating a bunch of socially tonedeaf weirdos who treat WOC as practice girlfriends.
posted by blerghamot at 5:17 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Right but my point was that doesn't make you inherently undesirable, as pharm claimed.
posted by zutalors! at 9:16 PM on October 29, 2016
posted by zutalors! at 9:16 PM on October 29, 2016
I mean if you'd rather believe it's "just math" that leaves the losers together on dating apps, I leave you to it, but I really feel there's more to it than that and it's cruel but typical for people to claim that it's some sort of social Darwinism that leaves people alone past 30.
posted by zutalors! at 9:25 PM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by zutalors! at 9:25 PM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's unjust math, might be a better way to put it. If coupling-up were perfectly random, the perpetually unlucky would *still* be more common on the dating app than in the whole population, even though there would be no way to guess at the beginning which people would turn out unlucky. In this world, we can guess (unjust) but the filtering effect (math) is the same.
posted by clew at 11:06 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by clew at 11:06 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oh FFS.
Nobody is "inherently undesirable". You’re project an is/ought identification on to my words that simply isn’t there.
Online dating makes brutally clear the hierarchy of desirability in our society. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but it is the way things are. There’s nothing about that that makes it morally right, it just is.
As clew says, it’s unjust maths, but it’s still the way the maths works out.
posted by pharm at 5:15 AM on October 30, 2016
Nobody is "inherently undesirable". You’re project an is/ought identification on to my words that simply isn’t there.
Online dating makes brutally clear the hierarchy of desirability in our society. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but it is the way things are. There’s nothing about that that makes it morally right, it just is.
As clew says, it’s unjust maths, but it’s still the way the maths works out.
posted by pharm at 5:15 AM on October 30, 2016
I remember this one time I had been chatting with a lingerie model turned yoga instructor on OKC. After about 2 months of talking about Scientology, we eventually met up and she actually turned out to really be a lingerie model turned yoga instructor.
posted by Damienmce at 8:41 AM on October 31, 2016
posted by Damienmce at 8:41 AM on October 31, 2016
Jesus, booooooze, I'd be hella more open minded on physical appearances if I knew a potential date had potential clean high concentration LSD.
Oh, hey. What do I have to lose?
I am so tempted to do a "total disclosure" edit of my OKC profile.
posted by porpoise at 8:44 PM on October 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh, hey. What do I have to lose?
I am so tempted to do a "total disclosure" edit of my OKC profile.
posted by porpoise at 8:44 PM on October 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
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posted by Sequence at 8:43 PM on October 27, 2016 [10 favorites]