Alberta: kinda like if Texas and North Dakota had a baby

November 15, 2016 2:52 PM

For Americans looking at moving to Canada: A helpful guide (SLimgur).
posted by MartinWisse (70 comments total)

Look, everyone knows what y'all are doing. But the grimly suppressed Canadian irony thing isn't going to work on us stoopid Yanks. You have to be blunt, like Trump! "We don't want you losers here! Stay home and stew in your juices!"
posted by blucevalo at 2:58 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

I like to pretend I could totally abandon everyone for some place like Canada, but I can't even face moving around within the US. "There's no diners in Texas? What?" Then I buy a I <3 NJ mug and smugly eat a pork roll sandwich.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 3:04 PM on November 15, 2016 [6 favorites]

The Quebec one is pretty good.

My husband is French Canadian and my in-laws live in Montreal.
posted by workerant at 3:04 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

This is.... not wrong.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:09 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

Boy do I have bad news for Yanks even now moving to the Yukon and expecting Guam-like weather.
posted by Palindromedary at 3:09 PM on November 15, 2016

So where do I go if I thought the upper Midwest was too warm in the summer and had a disappointing amount of snow?
posted by Zalzidrax at 3:18 PM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Vancouver: Like San Francisco, including housing costs.
posted by ethidda at 3:18 PM on November 15, 2016 [17 favorites]

Metafilter: if you replaced everyone who wasn't Cajun with someone who hates you.
posted by joan_holloway at 3:19 PM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]

Ontario is Indiana before it became a Fallout LARP.
posted by srboisvert at 3:27 PM on November 15, 2016 [10 favorites]

So where do I go if I thought the upper Midwest was too warm in the summer and had a disappointing amount of snow?

Back inside?
posted by srboisvert at 3:28 PM on November 15, 2016 [10 favorites]

Um, Rhode Island has a lot of potatoes still. There is a reason why he's not Mr. Rutabagahead.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:34 PM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

What order is this list even in!?
posted by ODiV at 3:38 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

Winnipeg: If Detroit had mosquitoes instead of arson.

Note: I love both Detroit and Winnipeg, but it is often a very difficult love.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 3:41 PM on November 15, 2016 [21 favorites]

Come to Australia, it's lovely here.

We still have bigots though.
posted by adept256 at 3:55 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

That reads as a ringing endorsement of PEI (and Nova Scotia) to me, but I'm a sucker for the Maritimes.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 3:55 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

Americans must understand that Netflix is terrible here.
posted by My Dad at 4:11 PM on November 15, 2016 [17 favorites]

The only one that's accurate is "Newfoundland: Canada's Hawaii!" The rest are way off.
posted by Kevin Street at 4:15 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

"Americans must understand that Netflix is terrible here."

I was just up in Montreal and I can tell you that this is a flat out lie. I could've streamed Deadpool and a ton of recent blockbusters. It was amazing.

So I ended up watching a bunch of Michael Caine spy flicks from the 60s, 70s, and 80s on youtube.
posted by I-baLL at 4:27 PM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Shhh, don't tell anyone but BC/PNW summers are the actual best thing. I'd be genuinely for a country comprised of CA, OR, WA and BC, if it wasn't for the unfortunate likelihood of it being the land of Floods and Earthquakes in the not too distant future.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 4:31 PM on November 15, 2016 [9 favorites]

Oh man! I live in Rhode Island, but I love both redheads AND potatoes! I'm in!
posted by JDHarper at 4:34 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

You know, this is a pretty good response to all of this (mostly facetious) talk from Americans about moving up here, but I just don't think it's quite salty enough.

Hmmm, I wonder what they're saying over at Cracked...


Oh, yeah- that's salty.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:37 PM on November 15, 2016 [8 favorites]

I live just south of the 49th Parallel and the sun *sets* at 4:30 in the wintertime.
posted by My Dad at 4:43 PM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Oh man, that Cracked editorial.

"We love you and fear you in equal measure. Because you have the power to produce pop culture we adore and people we consider friends and family, but you also have the power to pressure us to join wars we have no interest in and reshape our economy with mere ripples of your domestic policy."

Exactly. I've been hearing people on the bus talk about Trump. Everyone's got an opinion. It's a level of public engagement that I haven't seen since maybe 1987 when the Free Trade Agreement was being negotiated, and for the same reasons.
posted by Kevin Street at 4:48 PM on November 15, 2016 [6 favorites]

The only one that's accurate is "Newfoundland: Canada's Hawaii!"

Really? Thought that was Haida Gwaii.

Anyway, somewhere up the Mackenzie you might be able to enjoy the warmth of avoiding US news.

Winnipeg: If Detroit had mosquitoes instead of arson.

And a science museum, eh!
posted by Twang at 5:21 PM on November 15, 2016

I live in Alberta (originally from Ontario) and yes, definitely this. But please, if you're actually planning on becoming citizens, we could use an influx of liberals out here in the mid-west. (We have many bigots. You will bring down the % of bigots.)
posted by Sallysings at 5:26 PM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Manitoba is really beautiful in places but it makes Nebraska look positively voluptuous.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:31 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

It's hard to move to other countries permanently.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:59 PM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

I live just south of the 49th Parallel and the sun *sets* at 4:30 in the wintertime.

This is me having no sympathy. I'm in Copenhagen, at 55.7.
The earliest sunset of the year is quite soon, Dec 8, at 3:38pm. The sun on that day will never make it 12 degrees above the horizon.
Most of Canada (populationwise anyhow) is decidedly south, from my perspective.
posted by nat at 6:02 PM on November 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

It's hard to move to other countries permanently

Cubans do it all of the time. Ask me how I know.

But, even when you've lived in that new country for ~90% of your life, it still kinda sucks.
posted by oddman at 6:05 PM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Most of Canada (populationwise anyhow) is decidedly south, from my perspective.

Yes (I am the guy who complained about the sun setting so early in winter, earlier up-thread).

I have a map of Canada on my kitchen wall and it extends all the way to Europe and Moscow. It's stunning when I look at just how far north so many European countries are. Stockholm is as far north as Whitehorse, in the Yukon.
posted by My Dad at 6:06 PM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Well, western Europe gets the benefits of very favorable ocean currents. The climate of eastern Newfoundland and the Scandinavian countries are pretty similar, even though Newfoundland is much further south.
posted by peppermind at 6:16 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'm in Copenhagen, at 55.7.

I'm at 62.44. Do I win*?

* - lose
posted by ODiV at 6:27 PM on November 15, 2016 [8 favorites]

oddman I've been an expat for 14 years, more than half of my adult life.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:27 PM on November 15, 2016

So where do I go if I thought the upper Midwest was too warm in the summer and had a disappointing amount of snow?

Thunder Bay is probably right in your wheelhouse. Seriously.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:44 PM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Alberta: kinda like if Texas and North Dakota had a baby

That's cool, I lived in North Dakota and live in Texas. I could cope. I'm one of relatively few Americans who've been to Manitoba. I could cope. Saskatchewan is hard to spell but I get there eventually. I could cope.

Canadian midwest, I am down with grimly shoveling your snow and down with not talking about your energy policy and down with politely ignoring your politics. It's cool. I could cope. Please emigrate me.
posted by librarylis at 6:51 PM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Thunder Bay is probably right in your wheelhouse. Seriously.

[We'll just keep the black fly details secret until after we cash the cheque!]
posted by srboisvert at 6:56 PM on November 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

Whooof, that PR of the Arctic one left a burn.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:57 PM on November 15, 2016

All your daylight complaints reminded me of Oskaar and Stallone (previously)
posted by stevis23 at 7:13 PM on November 15, 2016

It's hard to move to other countries permanently.

Not true so long as you stress the plural "countries". The trick is, once you stay away long enough your homeland is just another place, as different as anything else you might find.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:38 PM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Kevin Street: "The only one that's accurate is "Newfoundland: Canada's Hawaii!" The rest are way off."

The BC one is pretty good but only for the lower mainland (about half a percent of the province)

My Dad: "I live just south of the 49th Parallel and the sun *sets* at 4:30 in the wintertime."

But on the flip side the sun sets at like 10PM in the summer and it doesn't really get dark for another couple hours. Then the sun is back up at 4AM.
posted by Mitheral at 8:54 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

Now that North Dakota has oil, could you just say Alberta is North Dakota?
posted by atoxyl at 9:05 PM on November 15, 2016

Other selling points for a move to Canada: amazing metal bands. Voivod, KEN Mode, Gorguts, Cryptopsy, uh, Kataklysm...lots of good stuff.

Also, these pictures (particularly Alberta, wow!) are beautiful. Although I'd guess that living in Alberta is closer to this than anything.
posted by Existential Dread at 9:16 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

You know, this is a pretty good response to all of this ... talk from Americans about moving up here

I disagree, it's no guide at all, not for moving -- it's just a series of educational posters, maybe for grade-school students in a Social Studies or Geography class (if those classes hadn't all been canceled). They wouldn't be effective, however, because California kids wouldn't know what Indiana or Ontario is, Texas kids wouldn't know Rhode Island from Prince Edward from Long Island, Boston kids wouldn't know Alberta, North or South Dakota, or Manitoba; and so forth. They might guess Wyoming means cowboys.

True, they're beautiful photos, like picture postcards.
posted by Rash at 9:47 PM on November 15, 2016

"Now that North Dakota has oil, could you just say Alberta is North Dakota?"

Alberta has a population of four million people and recently elected a hard-left government (for the first time ever), so the answer is probably no. With the possible exception of Prince Edward Island (which still has both potatoes and Anne of Green Gables), there's a lot of variation and surprises in each province.
posted by Kevin Street at 10:39 PM on November 15, 2016

Alberta has a population of four million people and recently elected a hard-left government (for the first time ever), so the answer is probably no. With the possible exception of Prince Edward Island (which still has both potatoes and Anne of Green Gables), there's a lot of variation and surprises in each province.

I was not being very serious but man I forgot just how few people live in North Dakota (~740K)
posted by atoxyl at 11:47 PM on November 15, 2016

I guess that beats about three other U.S. states and two Canadian provinces (plus the territories)
posted by atoxyl at 11:52 PM on November 15, 2016

[We'll just keep the black fly details secret until after we cash the cheque!]

They prefer to be called "bedbugs of the sky."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:39 AM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Texas kids wouldn't know Rhode Island from Prince Edward from Long Island

Hey now. It's State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.
posted by srboisvert at 6:44 AM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

All you ever need to know about Black Flies. (or, why, as much as I thought it was charming, will never go back to the southern part of Hudson Bay.)

No blackflies in Toronto though.
posted by Hactar at 7:22 AM on November 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

So where do I go if I thought the upper Midwest was too warm in the summer and had a disappointing amount of snow?

If I were able to just pick up and move to anywhere in Canada, it would be Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Though, really, that's never going to happen for a variety of reasons; so my fallback plan is to just hang out in the upper New England states and hope that Canada moves its border south during my tenure.

Please, Canada. Please? ME,NH,VT would make an excellent new province.
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 8:00 AM on November 16, 2016

I live just south of the 49th Parallel and the sun *sets* at 4:30 in the wintertime.

This is me having no sympathy. I'm in Copenhagen, at 55.7.

I'm at 62.44. Do I win?

*rests head on desk in Iceland, sobs*
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 8:05 AM on November 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

The western portion of the border is pretty unguarded, yeah? What if one hypothetically wanders across from Montana to Alberta and becomes a mountain man living off the land?
posted by AFABulous at 8:07 AM on November 16, 2016

No-resetting the clocks twice a year, either. Can't wake up in total darkness and head to work? Better do your wintering some place sunnier, like Norway.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 8:08 AM on November 16, 2016

To be honest, Newfoundland is actually more like a really, really big Alcatraz Island
posted by oulipian at 8:24 AM on November 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

What if one hypothetically wanders across from Montana to Alberta and becomes a mountain man living off the land?

I've seen that movie, didn't the guy live in a bus and then die of starvation like four miles from civilization
posted by Existential Dread at 8:34 AM on November 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

Wyoming has the Grand Tetons and most of Yellowstone. Saskatchewan doesn't have anywhere close to the excitement of Wyoming. Excitement in Saskatchewan is driving to Manitoba to look at the lakes.
posted by ubiquity at 8:42 AM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Alberta has a population of four million people and recently elected a hard-left government (for the first time ever), so the answer is probably no.

Although... the hard-left government isn't all that hard-left, and they were only elected because the four-decade-old hard-right government split off an even harder right faction. Through the magic of first-past-the-post, a majority government was achieved by left-wingers who got 40% of the vote.
posted by clawsoon at 9:25 AM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Bryan Cranston is on my last damn nerve. I am putting on notice all members of the rich white dilettante class of voters: stop fucking talking the fuck about Canada.

If you have to FLEE to Canada, then I wish you well and I will donate to your fleefund.

But if you're goddamn Bryan Cranston and you just want to leave because you don't want to look at "Trump is my president" t-shirts and you don't have to because you're loaded, then I absolutely hate you. I hate you forever. Look here, Bryan Cranston, your ass needs to move, indeed, but you got the where wrong. You need to move to FLORIDA.

Bryan Cranston, you owe me. I have showed up on my Florida couch faithfully through season after season of Malcolm in the Middle. My and my ilk's devotion to Breaking Bad has made you richer than God. You better rethink your bullshit stance about wanting to become the most loathsome hoser our planet has ever known and get your ass down here and set up shop in a swing county, you ungrateful POS.

COME down here, bring EVERYONE you know down here, VOTE down here, get OUT the vote down here, and spend AALLLL your damn methshow money down here, and do it all by 2018 or I will hold you personally responsible for everything the PEOTUS does up to and including blowing up the planet. IrresponsiblemuttermuttergrumblegrumbledamngrumbleROOOOAAAAAAAAHHHR!
posted by Don Pepino at 10:31 AM on November 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

I would argue that Ontario is actually a bigger Illinois, but that nuance is probably lost on most.
posted by daniel striped tiger at 10:34 AM on November 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

Little known Canadian fact: if you move really far north like Tuktoyaktuk and Cambridge Bay and northern areas of Nunavut such as Resolute, the maps change.
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:08 AM on November 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

Prince Edward Island (which still has both potatoes and Anne of Green Gables)

Anne must be getting on in years, eh?

I'd also add: Toronto: You-know-who is gone, it's safe now.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:40 AM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Manitoba is a Saskatchewan with lakes? Someone hasn't been to Manitoba. Saskatchewan is like a flatter Alberta with less people. Manitoba is like a Minnesota with more Icelanders, French, Mennonites and First Nations people.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:27 PM on November 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

Toronto: You-know-who is gone, it's safe now.

Voldemort? He's still around. Last I heard, he was a condo developer, so I'm not sure he's renounced evil, though.
posted by frimble at 1:29 PM on November 16, 2016

I live in Maine. Please consider annexation. We have similar weather, and a non-trivial portion of Quebec visits Old Orchard Beach every summer.
posted by theora55 at 2:29 PM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Alberta: kinda like if Texas and North Dakota had a baby

But also, like, that Colorado dude hangs around a lot, and some people say he might be the father, but no one's really certain enough to say it outloud.
posted by Kurichina at 3:10 PM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

The thing that is most irritating about living in Canada is not that we don't get Hulu and so on, but we can't stream the Criterion Collection here. I guess I could get a VPN or something, but, still...
posted by My Dad at 5:07 PM on November 16, 2016

I remember, just after Trump started in with his 'build a wall' shit, I was drinking in my usual bar and the guy next to me was from Ontario. When I mentioned all this shit too him, he said "We're building a wall to keep you guys out."
posted by jonmc at 6:24 PM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

The thing that is most irritating about living in Canada is not that we don't get Hulu and so on, but we can't stream the Criterion Collection here.

Toronto Public Library announces Criterion Collection of 350+ streaming films
Vancouver Public Library introduces new Criterion Collection streaming service
posted by grouse at 6:56 PM on November 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

I live in Maine. Please consider annexation. We have similar weather, and a non-trivial portion of Quebec visits Old Orchard Beach every summer.

I'm down with that if Stephen King comes with.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:07 PM on November 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

King has been vocal in his dislike of President-Elect Babyhands, however, King has the funds to insulate himself from much of the pain. Though I suspect he shares the pain of seeing who was elected, even if not by a majority.
posted by theora55 at 3:08 PM on November 22, 2016