"Once there was a fisherman..."

March 15, 2018 9:27 AM

Daniel Mallory Ortberg's new story "The Fisherman and His Friend" from his book "The Merry Spinster: Tales of Everyday Horror" is now available on Buzzfeed.
posted by Krazor (23 comments total)

I am in awe of Ortberg being able to take Thousandfurs and actually make it more horrifying.
posted by Artw at 9:36 AM on March 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

(A story which i thought might be available in some half-shuttered version of The Toast, but now I can only find as a dodgy archive link so you'll have to read it in the book)
posted by Artw at 9:40 AM on March 15, 2018

oh my goodness


that hurt

am I the fisherman or the friend?
posted by rebent at 9:43 AM on March 15, 2018 [6 favorites]

I feel like I've read a version of that fisherman story on AskMe a few times...
posted by like_neon at 9:48 AM on March 15, 2018 [8 favorites]

Oh god, this is like the evil version of Arnold Lobel's The Story (the banging-the-head-against-the-wall-and-now-I-feel-ill bit is almost word for word).
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 10:47 AM on March 15, 2018

if this reminds you of someone, you are getting gaslit and I'm pretty sure that realization is the gift that Daniel Mallory Ortberg is trying to give us with this treasure of a book
posted by runt at 10:50 AM on March 15, 2018 [16 favorites]

If you read the first piece linked, an interview with Daniel, you get to read the phrase "freaky-ass feminism" which is a genre I hope to see recommended for my netflix queue some day soon.
posted by Emmy Rae at 11:50 AM on March 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

Oh god, this is like the evil version of Arnold Lobel's The Story (the banging-the-head-against-the-wall-and-now-I-feel-ill bit is almost word for word).

Ortberg did a dark parody of "The Story" back in The Toast days. It now reads like a dry run for "The Fisherman and His Friend:"

“Frog, this is why people don’t like helping you. Do you want people to like helping you?”

And Frog forgot that he had not asked Toad to help him, and he said “Yes, I do.”

“Then drink your tea,” Toad said. “Why do you make me regret doing nice things for you?”

Frog burnt his tongue a little but didn’t say anything. He couldn’t sleep. The room felt like it needed an apology from him.

And Frog said, “Tell me a story while I am resting?” But what he was really saying was: I’m sorry. What he was really saying was: Please like helping me.

I suspect something like legal concerns prompted the change of milieu to a public domain fairy tale for the published version. But Lobel was still on Ortberg's mind in a recent interview about The Merry Spinster: "A lot of the horror comes at the hands of people who are close to the characters in question," [he said]. "I always loved reading Frog and Toad Are Friends and I always found them so upsetting. They speak to one other in a way that is so courteous and so formal that whenever I would read it, I would think, 'They absolutely despise each other.'"
posted by Iridic at 1:09 PM on March 15, 2018 [11 favorites]

They speak to one other in a way that is so courteous and so formal that whenever I would read it, I would think, 'They absolutely despise each other.'

I just thought they were British!
posted by Emmy Rae at 1:35 PM on March 15, 2018 [7 favorites]

the fisherman & his wife, but make it borderline

I enjoyed it, painfully.
posted by notquitemaryann at 1:41 PM on March 15, 2018

That story caused me physical pain - it reminds me so much of the people I try to serve in my vocation.
It is depressingly midwestern.

I thank God often for the magical incantation that my grandfather gave me when I was twelve - which has rescued me from dozens of truly mind-bendingly gas-lighty situations,

"Oh, fuck off."
posted by Baby_Balrog at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2018 [15 favorites]

Look, we’ve all got that one button-obsessed irritating friend we love very much regardless.
posted by Artw at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

Before Ortberg started writing Dear Prudence I basically just hate-read it because the advice was so, so bad. Sometimes it was almost creepy, as if a stranger in a café heard me venting about my Annoying Neighbour and said "Hey, you know what? We should go and take a crap on his lawn! Right now, you and me!" But then Ortberg took over and it was suddenly just so ... insightful and warm and reassuring. It didn't matter that it was advice aimed at strangers with complicated lives about which I knew nothing, it felt as if I were in the company of a friend. Not one of my actual friends, you understand; a highly idealised sort of friend with the same relationship to my real friends as Cheers has to my local bottle shop.

Consequently, every time I read an interview with Ortberg I get a warm rush of pleased recognition and approval. I felt vicariously sorry when things didn't seem great for Ortberg and delighted now that he's happy. I don't get this reaction with most internet figures, but there it is. Just reading the first link has made my day better in some small way, so thanks for the post.
posted by Joe in Australia at 2:47 PM on March 15, 2018 [9 favorites]

I was lucky enough to go to the reading last night at Moe's Books in Berkeley. It was delightful. If you think Ortberg is funny and charming via text, just wait till you meet him in person.

There's another reading/signing on Friday, at Pegasus on Shattuck. I recommend getting there early – it was standing room only at Moe's and they ran out of copies of the book. (I managed to get a copy.)
posted by Lexica at 4:24 PM on March 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

From what I remember, the reaction when Ortberg posted one of these on The Toast was "Jesus Christ Mallory!"

So, with that in mind, Jesus Christ Daniel!

That was fantastic and it hurt. My wife asked what I was typing and I told her about Ortberg's Fairy Tales Made Horrific and how painful this was. But necessary. I will be getting his book.
posted by Hactar at 5:12 PM on March 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

Sigh, the hardback isn't available in Amazon UK until October but I want to read it now, which means I need to download the Kindle version instead booo. I usually buy Kindle books except this sort of genre where I prefer to flip through and enjoy the physical act of reading as much as the reading itself.
posted by like_neon at 3:34 AM on March 16, 2018

I would think, 'They absolutely despise each other.'

I just thought they were British!

This is also the puzzle at the center of Phantom Thread.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:14 AM on March 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

I can totally see that relationship ending in a Phantom Thread type situation, yes.
posted by Artw at 7:19 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

I immediately thought of this as something like munchausen by proxy, although I guess the fisherman would really be the caregiver in this situation.
posted by gucci mane at 8:08 AM on March 16, 2018

Oh good, my fave Doctor Who essayist Just posted this, so cosmic gender balance is maintained.
posted by Artw at 1:26 PM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

Jesus fucking Christ this is horrifying.
posted by corb at 8:31 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

NPR: In Daniel Mallory Ortberg's Version, The Little Mermaid Inhales Souls
posted by Lexica at 10:11 PM on March 17, 2018 [3 favorites]

I am so excited to read the rest of this book, I can't even tell you.
posted by elsilnora at 8:22 AM on March 18, 2018