Those '70s Accounts

August 8, 2018 9:15 AM

For a couple of years now, a Twitter account dedicated to unappetizing stills from cookbooks dating from my childhood has ranked as one of my favorites—I refer of course to 70s Dinner Party. This may have been inevitable but that account has recently been one-upped by a new arrival, the hilarious and eternally puzzling account 70s Adult Titles ("mostly safe-for-work").

[NSFW] (via Dangerous Minds)
posted by Johnny Wallflower (66 comments total)

I'd beg to differ about whether the current topmost crop of adult titles is safe-for-work.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:22 AM on August 8, 2018 [5 favorites]

Yeah, not safe at all. In some cases very funny, however.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:23 AM on August 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

I wonder if there's a plot that goes along with the film, Nativity Enema.
posted by Ashwagandha at 9:26 AM on August 8, 2018

When you put out a plate of sliced eggs for a party (as we all do) but the cats vomit all over it.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:27 AM on August 8, 2018 [4 favorites]

Mod note: Added an NSFW tag
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:31 AM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

Oh hell, somebody actually tried to eat the "goblin sandwich" monstrosity.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:38 AM on August 8, 2018 [7 favorites]

BOOBS IN A HOVERCRAFT

This explains so much. Where there are boobs, eels quickly follow...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:57 AM on August 8, 2018 [5 favorites]

So how many lawsuits over house fires did the Reddi-Bacon company have to contend with?
posted by octothorpe at 9:57 AM on August 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

I could look at this stuff for hours.
Why is it so entertaining?
posted by PHINC at 9:57 AM on August 8, 2018

Twin Cities funny guy and writer of minor note James Lileks did something similar years ago with recipe books from the 60s and 50s. It was preposterous enough that he made the site into a book, but The Gallery of Regrettable Food is still online.
posted by Cris E at 9:58 AM on August 8, 2018 [3 favorites]

If you can't view the NSFW adult titles because you are at work, but are a still bit curious, the food Twitter has a sexy shish kabob book cover for you.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:05 AM on August 8, 2018

I was around for all of the 70s, and NO ONE we knew ate like this.

The "food" looks like something a punch card computer in the Kraft Marketing pumped out, and the head of department forced everyone to go with it. Also, the printing colors for the pictures are so luridly bright that it makes the "food" look even more obscene and horrible. I could barf just looking at a lot of it.

Then there's the "Weekend Crotch Kerfuffle", where everyone walks away slightly shame-faced and apologetic afterwards, but not saying anything in their eagerness to forget that it's even happened.
posted by droplet at 10:05 AM on August 8, 2018 [3 favorites]

Incidentally, "Spunky Portcullis" is my new stage name.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:30 AM on August 8, 2018

UNEXPECTED SANDWICH

...A crossover from the "Dinner Party" list?
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:36 AM on August 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

I never knew how much I needed the answer to "What if Apple Cabin Foods sold porn mags from under the counter?" Although some of the titles have some overlap; "Night Loaf" and "Tampa Grussies: Safe as a Baby", certainly.
posted by Nelson at 10:38 AM on August 8, 2018 [4 favorites]

Oh hell, somebody actually tried to eat the "goblin sandwich" monstrosity.

I couldn't resist the allure of tested quality donuts, so I googled them and, after sifting through all the articles about Dunkin' that I got served up, presumably based on my currently geographical location in Boston, I found this NYT article from 1998 that quotes an 1941 advertisement for Tested Quality Donuts.

The Doughnut Diet DR. J. HOWARD CRUM'S FAMOUS DONUT REDUCING DIET . . . You can't "fool" your stomach with foods that offer only "bulk." The noted Dr. Crum has achieved exceptional success with a diet of delicious Tested Quality Donuts. -- Advertisement, 1941

So I'm guessing these are some kind of whole wheat health food donuts or something? Like those cake-style donuts. Actually, it looks like Amazon has an old Tested Quality Donut poster for sale, and yeah, they look like cake donuts to me.

In fact, Google's search algorithm is now correcting itself in real time and offering me Pinterest links like this one. Plain doughnuts with cheese! Sugar doughnuts with fruit punch! Wheat-o-doughnuts with conserve! Chocolate covered doughnuts with ice cream! Doughnuts with fruit!

T E S T E D Q U A L I T Y
posted by tobascodagama at 10:53 AM on August 8, 2018 [5 favorites]

By this seal ye shall know them.
posted by tobascodagama at 10:56 AM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

I have a question (well, I have many questions):

-does anyone else think that the Chicken Teddy Bear would be a traumatic family activity, rather than "great"? What, exactly, do you do with it to make it a family activity besides shoving it in the oven as quickly as possible to avoid the hideous, dead eyes staring at you? Are they offering to make clothes for the Chicken Teddy Bear, or use chicken parts to make clothes for people? Why would people want clothes for the Chicken Teddy Bear? Like, are you playing with the samonella-ridden chicken corpse? Will I be haunted by those images in my nightmares tonight?
posted by nubs at 10:58 AM on August 8, 2018 [7 favorites]

Madam Spoonerism’s Sock Cookers!
posted by mochapickle at 10:59 AM on August 8, 2018

I made the fatal error of showing my spouse the Chicken Teddy Bear and now they're enthusiastically planning to make one for themselves so they can see what a cooked one looks like

send help
posted by sciatrix at 11:01 AM on August 8, 2018 [14 favorites]

Oh hell, somebody actually tried to eat the "goblin sandwich" monstrosity.

I am not sure which link you clicked and I don't want to find out.
posted by mhoye at 11:13 AM on August 8, 2018 [8 favorites]

Honestly, now I want to make a Chicken Teddy Bear, put overalls on it and leave it on a public bus.
posted by delfin at 11:14 AM on August 8, 2018 [6 favorites]

send help

I dunno, I feel like answering that call would be RSVP-ing to a very macabre dinner party.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:14 AM on August 8, 2018

sciatrix, suggest your spouse serve it with fava beans and a nice chianti while you flee the house before it rises and seeks revenge
posted by nubs at 11:15 AM on August 8, 2018

Cris E: "Twin Cities funny guy and writer of minor note James Lileks did something similar years ago with recipe books from the 60s and 50s. It was preposterous enough that he made the site into a book, but The Gallery of Regrettable Food is still online."

Yeah, he did a couple along those lines. Warning that he went full Islamophobic after 2001.
posted by Chrysostom at 11:19 AM on August 8, 2018 [6 favorites]

Not directly related, but for a shot of pure, unadulterated '70s, check out Chug-A-Lug, "the board game for alcoholic nymphomaniacs" (the second link says it's a '60s game, but there is *no way* that game was released any time but the 1970s).
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:26 AM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

I was around for all of the 70s, and NO ONE we knew ate like this.

I sometimes peek at my mother's cookbooks from the late 70s/early 80s, and while there's some questionable stuff, judging by the recipe most of it are very normal things that are still available. On the other hand, the dark, heavily saturated photos kind of make everything look weird.
posted by lmfsilva at 11:46 AM on August 8, 2018

ANAL ACTS WITH THE MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR fits as a sockpuppet name, in case anyone else was wondering
posted by poffin boffin at 11:49 AM on August 8, 2018 [5 favorites]

The copy for Chug-a-Lug sounds just like the Cards for Humanity copy....
posted by yueliang at 11:50 AM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

(the second link says it's a '60s game, but there is *no way* that game was released any time but the 1970s).

The Imgur link of the back of the box shows a copyright of 1969.
posted by Chrysostom at 12:03 PM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

I can’t possibly be the only one who noticed that Adult Titles is curated by DICK HARDMAN.
posted by scratch at 12:46 PM on August 8, 2018

All my future XCOM squads will contain "Big Jammy Fuckbanjo."
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 1:54 PM on August 8, 2018 [7 favorites]

I was around for all of the 70s, and NO ONE we knew ate like this.

seconding this for the most part, but the Butthole Surfers did come from somewhere, and that chicken teddy bear would not be out of place on one of their earlier album covers. Seriously, look at it one more time and imagine this playing in the background.
posted by philip-random at 1:55 PM on August 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

My worst food memory of the 70's: Hamburger Helper. and that is still a thing.
posted by thelonius at 2:15 PM on August 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

> The Imgur link of the back of the box shows a copyright of 1969.

I stand corrected and surprised!
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:17 PM on August 8, 2018

All of you who are saying you grew up in the '70s and didn't know anybody who ate like this obviously didn't have a mom who was on Weight Watchers. So many creative spins on liver, and really bad versions of normal things that have ruined the normal things for me forever. Don't poach pears in diet cream soda, people.
posted by queensissy at 3:10 PM on August 8, 2018 [6 favorites]

This [mildly NSFW] is the most British pr0n title I've ever read.
posted by LMGM at 3:14 PM on August 8, 2018 [3 favorites]

In a really just world Overwhelming Tit Avalanche would be a CGI short in which an alpine village was submerged under a crashing wave of small birds.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 3:33 PM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

(also pretty sure I once knew a GOU Overwhelming Tit Avalanche)
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 3:33 PM on August 8, 2018

Chicken Teddy Bear

"It rubs the marinade on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:56 PM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

At this point I’m assuming that the “clothes” made for the Chicken Teddy Bear are made from bacon or duck or something so you can cook it “fully dressed.”

At one point my mind wandered to the “beer can in the butt” cooking process and then it fled in horror.
posted by nubs at 4:10 PM on August 8, 2018

I own a copy of "The Gallery of Regrettable Food" and when I'm feeling down, I turn to it. Never fails to cheer me up.

Is Lileks still around? I loved his stuff.
posted by sundrop at 4:57 PM on August 8, 2018

"Spunky Portcullis"

How does one differentiate this from a non-spunky portcullis on a dungeon map?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:05 PM on August 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

Regular portcullises are quite timid, and not at all sticky.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:17 PM on August 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

Queensissy linked to just one of the recipe cards from Candyboots' collection of Weight Watchers recipes from 1974, but you really must take the whole tour.

I still remember seeing them for the first time many years ago, how I laughed until tears streamed down my cheeks, and how I, by the time I was done reading, felt as though I could never eat anything again. I emailed the link to a co-worker who reported back that she'd planned to go grocery shopping that afternoon after work but, thanks to her experience of reading the cards, wasn't going to.
posted by orange swan at 6:03 PM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

Twin Cities funny guy and writer of minor note James Lileks did something similar years ago with recipe books from the 60s and 50s. It was preposterous enough that he made the site into a book, but The Gallery of Regrettable Food is still online.

Do we still say
metafilter’s own if it’s been 17 years since the last comment? (… and, yes, he’s one of the people who 9/11 broke. His site went from being a fun read to a dark place.)
posted by adamsc at 6:59 PM on August 8, 2018

POOH STICKS WITH PIGLET FTW!!
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 7:04 PM on August 8, 2018

One of the posts was for a crash diet:

1. Breakfast: Egg + Glass of Wine
2. Lunch: Egg + Two glasses of Wine
3. Dinner: Steak + Rest of bottle of wine

I love, love, love these. I could also look at the food one all day.
posted by xammerboy at 7:09 PM on August 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

("mostly safe-for-work").
[NSFW]

Best to err on the side of caution
posted by ambulocetus at 7:46 PM on August 8, 2018

All of you who are saying you grew up in the '70s and didn't know anybody who ate like this obviously didn't have a mom who was on Weight Watchers.

OMG, that stuff looks gross. I'm so sorry.

It's true, no one we knew was on WW, or bought anything from a box, really, except for pasta in general, and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I knew one woman from our church who had a box of those Ayds appetite suppressant candies, but that's it.

My family and other black people where I grew up (Milwaukee) didn't eat any of the stuff in that Twitter feed, and didn't use cookbooks or recipes often. No one around the way ate mayonnaise, and I was the outlier who did. Miracle Whip was the choice for potato salad—and ONLY potato salad. Kraft Sandwich Spread with the minced pickle relish and pimentos were for sandwiches. Every house of people we knew well enough to break bread with seemed to have those items in their fridge.

But "Goblin Sandwiches"? Green jello in a mold with veggies in it, served with mayo, and called a salad? Ham-wrapped bananas with Kraft slices? If anyone had ever brought such a thing to a church picnic, cookout, or holiday dinner, they would have gotten ALL the side-eye, I'm positive of it.
posted by droplet at 8:47 PM on August 8, 2018 [7 favorites]

Giant-Size Man-Thing.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:44 AM on August 9, 2018

I only clicked on the 70s Dinner Party link but I had to stop when I got to a recipe that started with:

1 cup of ripe bananas
1/2 cup of pineapples
1 can flaked tuna

*close browser*
*make a cup of tea and stare out the window and try to forget*
posted by like_neon at 1:53 AM on August 9, 2018 [4 favorites]

Ok I had to go back. Some of these posts from the 70s recipes sound like they could have come from the Adult Titles account:

Gay Divorcee Dip
Magic in Frosting
Sleep in a Sandwich
The Smiling Dolphin (this one requires a visual, it is sfw)

aaaaand drumroll please....

Mister Pickle Takes a Dip
posted by like_neon at 2:00 AM on August 9, 2018 [6 favorites]

And now, by special request, "Fuck-Fumble Fun at the Funeral," the new chart-topping hit single from Gluttonous Cake Fuckers frontman Big Jammy Fuckbanjo!
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:03 AM on August 9, 2018 [4 favorites]

Green jello in a mold with veggies in it, served with mayo, and called a salad?

You name a food, my mother has set it in gelatin and served it with mayo at a church supper.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:05 AM on August 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

All of you who are saying you grew up in the '70s and didn't know anybody who ate like this obviously didn't have a mom who was on Weight Watchers.

I grew up in the '80s, have lots of experience with some of these foods, and my mom was always on a diet (usually Dexatrim I think - a giant pill with tiny capsules in it) and choked down many similar dishes to these with too much fruit, gelatin, and mayo in a bizarre and unholy combination.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:20 AM on August 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

Why was this a thing? Was it the drugs? Exposure to lead and asbestos? Why did we as society do this?
posted by asteria at 7:52 AM on August 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

All of you who are saying you grew up in the '70s and didn't know anybody who ate like this obviously didn't have a mom who was on Weight Watchers.

The moms I knew then all seemed to stay thin by chain-smoking two packs of Benson & Hedges every day.
posted by octothorpe at 8:10 AM on August 9, 2018 [6 favorites]

Nicotine-deadened taste buds seem like as plausible an explanation as anything, yeah.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:58 AM on August 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I collect cooking booklets from the 50s/60s/70s (I have hundreds of them), for some reason I get kind of defensive when people make fun of this stuff. Maybe because *this* is my heritage, I come from people who think Seven Layer Dip is the height of sophistication. Those who understand Campbell's cream of mushroom soup know my soul.
posted by plasticpalacealice at 9:04 AM on August 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I had many a casserole held together by Campbell's cream soups but this is too much. There has to be limits.
posted by asteria at 9:07 AM on August 9, 2018 [1 favorite]

Some people seem to have been captured by a mentality that serving ordinary food, like, say, some pork chops and green beans and baked potatos, Just Wouldn't Do, and that things should be fancy at all costs. This ended tragically, in many cases.
posted by thelonius at 9:13 AM on August 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I feel like these concepts could be effectively combined into 70s food/porn horror themed IF.

You wake up in a dim cellar room.
The ceiling is a forest of hanging
spider plants in macrame holders. An
iron portcullis blocks each door.

> open portcullis
There are three portcullises. Which one?

> open spunky portcullis
The spunky portcullis swings open.
Behind it, a man with a moustache in a
corduroy suit stands waiting, smoking a
cigarette. On a table in front of him
is a green Jell-O mold tunafish salad.

posted by mubba at 9:16 AM on August 9, 2018 [9 favorites]

We also publicly displayed all sorts of ridiculously fancy copper (probably some kind of fake copper) jello mold dishes in our kitchen.
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:29 AM on August 9, 2018 [1 favorite]

We still have my mother in law's copper jello mold hanging on the kitchen wall, but it's important to know that it's not copper: IT'S ONLY COPPER-COLORED ALUMINUM.
posted by Cris E at 9:49 AM on August 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

> You name a food, my mother has set it in gelatin and served it with mayo at a church supper.

Those awful Jello dishes were no good for eating, but perfect for food fights. The Jello was always tougher and denser than dessert Jello somehow, which helped it maintain its structural integrity when you hucked it at your siblings.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:38 AM on August 9, 2018