Beefiest of beefy boys. 13/10 Absolute Moo-nit!
November 28, 2018 3:25 PM   Subscribe

Knickers the cow. [The Guardian] “Technically he is not a cow, but a steer (a neutered male). But he is giant, standing at 1.94 metres (6ft 4in ) to his withers (the shoulder). This is just shy of the world record-holding steer, Bellino, who lives in Italy and stands at 2.02 metres. Knickers, a Holstein Friesian, weighs in at 1,400kg (220 stone) and is believed to be the biggest steer in Australia.”

• Meet Knickers, the giant cow that is neither a cow nor a giant [The Washington Post]
““This story needs some perspective,” said Aniek Bouwman, an expert in animal breeding and genomics at Wageningen University in the Netherlands. For starters, she said, it’s important to note that Knickers is not a cow but a steer, and that males are typically quite a bit larger than females. (Note: Only females who have had at least one calf are referred to as “cows” in cattle circles.) But his breed is also important, Bouwman said. Male Holsteins tend to top out at just under 6 feet in height, while other breeds, like the wagyu cattle that surround Knickers in the now-famous photos of him, usually come in under 4.5 feet. In other words, Knickers is a large specimen, but he looks larger because he’s standing among a herd of Danny DeVitos, not a herd of Arnold Schwarzeneggers.”
• Australia's Biggest Cow Is Literally Too Fat to Be Killed [Vice News]
“Australia’s biggest cow is a two-metre-tall steer by the name of Knickers. He weighs about 1,400 kilograms and, according to the ABC, has enough meat on him to produce more than 4,000 burgers. That is, hypothetically speaking—because Knickers the giant cow is so unfathomably huge that even the abattoir can’t handle him. He is too bootylicious for the butchery. Literally too big to be slaughtered. Too big to fail. When owner Geoff Pearson took big old Knickers—who, at 194 centimetres, is taller than NBA star Stephen Curry—to auction last month, meat processors informed him that they quite simply would not be able to take the gargantuan beast. Knickers, in other words, has flouted conventional wisdom around “moderation” and “self-restraint” and effectively beaten the system: fattening himself up to the point where he is officially unsellable. Now the titanic steer is destined to live out his days on Lake Preston feedlot in Myalup, near Perth. ”
posted by Fizz (59 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
That picture reminds me of Return of the Jedi, with
Vader's Super Star Destroyer flying among all the regular Star Destroyers.
posted by Gorgik at 3:31 PM on November 28, 2018 [8 favorites]


oh my god
i scrolled past this story and literally thought it was a photoshopped fake that had somehow snuck into my feed of legitimate news
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME IT IS REAL?!
posted by halation at 3:31 PM on November 28, 2018 [12 favorites]


I like the idea that they're not going to slaughter this giant steer.

But the idea that he's safe from slaughter due to his size - he doesn't fit in the abattoir! - is a bit too much. As though humans haven't been slaughtering and butchering cattle for thousands of years before the modern slaughterhouse came around.

Now whether the resultant meat would be salable and pass health inspection if he was dispatched in a more traditional method, I dunno,
posted by thecjm at 3:32 PM on November 28, 2018 [7 favorites]


halation, he's real and he's spectacular
posted by barchan at 3:34 PM on November 28, 2018 [19 favorites]


As an Australian, my extremely limited sense of patriotism wants to get that steer on the protein so he can get 6cm more swole.

Get on the reps, Knickers.
posted by Jilder at 3:34 PM on November 28, 2018 [21 favorites]


SOME PIG
posted by Burhanistan at 3:35 PM on November 28, 2018 [21 favorites]


For the record, the height difference between Knickers and an average Holstein cow is about the same as the difference between Ryan North and Karla Pacheco.
posted by ckape at 3:38 PM on November 28, 2018 [7 favorites]


I certainly wasn't expecting two opportunities to reference Swino on MetaFilter today, but...if Swino had been drunk enough to pick a fight with Knickers he would have gotten his ass kicked.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:40 PM on November 28, 2018 [2 favorites]


Australia's about to declare war on the Washington Post for poo-pooing our enormous cattle by the way, so watch out!
posted by chiquitita at 3:44 PM on November 28, 2018


thecjm, modern abattoirs are typically designed to handle carcasses within a narrow range of sizes, and uniformity of size and weight is important when selling steers to packers. It’s not that he can’t literally be slaughtered, it’s that the abattoir doesn’t want to disrupt its orderly operation for one animal, no matter how large.

And, hey, I know Aniek Bouwman professionally! She’s 100% correct, those Wagyus are tiny.
posted by wintermind at 3:45 PM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]




AUROCH THROWBACK!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 3:48 PM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]


if someone doesn't break into that farm and paint it gold i will be extremely disappointed
posted by poffin boffin at 3:56 PM on November 28, 2018 [5 favorites]


im gonna bring back idolatry and no one can stop me
posted by poffin boffin at 3:57 PM on November 28, 2018 [34 favorites]


We hunted the mammoth! Pretty sure we can eat that.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 4:01 PM on November 28, 2018 [2 favorites]


This picture is like if I took an eating cucumber and placed it amidst a bunch of young pickling cucumbers and pretended like I had the world's hugest cucumber. Even if you put it in human terms, without fake perspective, it's like if the internet broke out in wonder over a 7ft person standing in a crowd of normal basketball players. That's a big breed of cow, and this one is slightly bigger by virtue of not getting killed young. Such a wonder.

I didn't think I'd be more annoyed by a cattle related internet fad than the previous fuzzy cow, but it turns out I can. This time we can celebrate our gleeful ignorance of where beef and milk comes from, dancing around the one lucky fucker with good genes and a lazy rancher. Good luck to Knickers, I hope his social media return is greater than the value of hiring in a butcher and having a couple freezers full of beef to his owners, cause otherwise the adorable giant living stock is nothing but a black hole of feed and vet bills to a rancher, for serious.
posted by neonrev at 4:07 PM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]


There's one in Italy too?

Clegane Bowl! GET HYPE!

Sorry. Wrong thread, same sentiment.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:08 PM on November 28, 2018 [18 favorites]


“This story needs some perspective,” said Aniek Bouwman, an expert in animal breeding and genomics at Wageningen University in the Netherlands.

that is precisely what we do NOT need, ma'am
posted by poffin boffin at 4:09 PM on November 28, 2018 [20 favorites]


This is my thread, y’all, I’m on the PhD committee for one of Alison’s students. I’m famous-adjacent!
posted by wintermind at 4:09 PM on November 28, 2018 [17 favorites]


This picture is like if I took an eating cucumber and placed it amidst a bunch of young pickling cucumbers and pretended like I had the world's hugest cucumber.

He's 6 foot 4, the tallest living steer is supposedly 6 foot 7. He's definitely punching in the Big Leagues for steers.
posted by BungaDunga at 4:16 PM on November 28, 2018 [6 favorites]


If we could only splice together Knickers' DNA with Gritty's, we could rule the universe.
posted by delfin at 4:20 PM on November 28, 2018 [12 favorites]


knickers/gritty 2020
posted by poffin boffin at 4:23 PM on November 28, 2018 [14 favorites]


˙ʇᴉun ǝʇnlosq∀
posted by Etrigan at 4:26 PM on November 28, 2018 [13 favorites]


It’s really nice to see Australia getting international attention that isn’t related to a massive outbreak of public racism.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 4:27 PM on November 28, 2018 [26 favorites]


But the idea that he's safe from slaughter due to his size - he doesn't fit in the abattoir! - is a bit too much. As though humans haven't been slaughtering and butchering cattle for thousands of years before the modern slaughterhouse came around.

I think I've told the story here before about my Uncle Pete and his hog that got so big he couldn't get it in the truck so he had to slaughter and butcher it on the farm.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:31 PM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]


I like the big cow.
posted by solarion at 5:00 PM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]


I knew about steering by the stars, but I’m just learning about starring by the steers.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:03 PM on November 28, 2018 [5 favorites]


Moo.
posted by briank at 5:13 PM on November 28, 2018


Does he have good knees?



...does he give rides?
posted by batter_my_heart at 5:16 PM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]


As though humans haven't been slaughtering and butchering cattle for thousands of years before the modern slaughterhouse came around.

Dunno about Australia, but in the US there are laws that state the animal must be able to walk into the facility on their own power. This is prevent very sick, injured, or dead cows from being slaughtered for food. It would not be legal to kill a cow in the parking lot and then take it into the slaughterhouse piece by piece.
posted by ryanrs at 5:16 PM on November 28, 2018 [4 favorites]


Whenever I hear about Steers, my first thought is of that Revolting 80s industrial band.
posted by ovvl at 5:44 PM on November 28, 2018


You all have no idea how many cow puns I considered for the title of this post.

• Cowabunga!
• I feel seen but not herd.
• Holy cow!
• Udderly ridiculous!
• Ain’t hoof bad.
posted by Fizz at 6:02 PM on November 28, 2018 [13 favorites]


Good boah.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:04 PM on November 28, 2018


Australia's about to declare war on the Washington Post for poo-pooing our enormous cattle by the way, so watch out!

WaPo declared war by impugning the honour of our large boi. This insult will not be brooked.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:14 PM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]


I just heard this interview on the CBC, and it was hilarious.

The owner kept referring to what sounded like "wieners" ("he hangs around with a lot of wieners...he's used as a coach for the wieners...he has access to what the wieners eat") and he finally the host had to say, "I think 'wieners' might have a different meaning in Australia than in Canada" and then it turned out the guy was saying "weaners" as in calves who were being weaned from their mothers.

Then she asked how he had gotten the name Knickers and he said well, Knickers was friends with a Brahman steer whose name was Bra, so you know, Bra and Knickers. And then I realized if he lived here in Canada his name equivalent would be Panties. Not quite the same ring to it...
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:32 PM on November 28, 2018 [9 favorites]


I think we,d need to call him Granny Pants since he,s so big
posted by supermedusa at 6:34 PM on November 28, 2018 [14 favorites]


...does he give rides?

If you can get him to moove.
posted by dephlogisticated at 6:58 PM on November 28, 2018


And steer him in the right direction.
posted by dephlogisticated at 7:00 PM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]


Technically he is not a cow, but a steer (a neutered male).

Aww. For a brief moment I thought maybe they'd brought back the auroch.
posted by homunculus at 7:12 PM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]


Australia's about to declare war on the Washington Post for poo-pooing our enormous cattle by the way, so watch out!

Well this couldn't have come at a worse time. Americo-Australianian relations are at an all-time low
posted by Space Coyote at 8:43 PM on November 28, 2018 [4 favorites]


C'mon, it's clearly two cows in a trenchcoat
posted by Pronoiac at 9:56 PM on November 28, 2018 [9 favorites]


Technically he is not a cow, but a steer (a neutered male).


I had this same discussion with the offspring earlier this evening. So far as I know, standard English has no word for the singular of cattle.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:57 PM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]


I think we'd need to call him Granny Pants since he's so big.

Or maybe "Early Bloomers."

I had this same discussion with the offspring earlier this evening. So far as I know, standard English has no word for the singular of cattle.

When I worked at the agricultural college, making ag curriculum material for K-12 students, we were taught to call one animal of that species a 'bovine," regardless of its sex and fertility status. That's also the term I remember the FFA and 4-H kids at my rural high school using.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:44 PM on November 28, 2018 [5 favorites]


And if or when the time comes, this is what it will take to turn him into steak.
posted by zaixfeep at 11:33 PM on November 28, 2018


One day when my grandchildren ask me how it was in the old days before we had (unimaginable future entity) or (unimaginable future entity) and you had to make do with just the Internet, I’ll tell them I recall a day when folks had this long discussion about how someone had seen a really big cow.
posted by Segundus at 11:53 PM on November 28, 2018 [12 favorites]


When I lived in Texas, I occasionally saw beef/beeves used as adigular/plural for cattle (usually male and intended for meat). Dunno if that gets used elsewhere.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:00 AM on November 29, 2018 [1 favorite]


If I ever got into ranching I'd probably just lapse into IT process-speak and refer to individuals as "units".
posted by Burhanistan at 6:26 AM on November 29, 2018 [1 favorite]


So far as I know, standard English has no word for the singular of cattle.

Not only that, but "cattle" refers not so much to species but to purpose (i.e., being farmed for meat).
posted by acb at 7:36 AM on November 29, 2018


I could have gone for kine, but that is antiquarian.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:54 AM on November 29, 2018 [3 favorites]


People often just say "cows", with bulls/steers being a special case (sort of like the inverse of how "men" was once used to refer to all humanity).
posted by acb at 8:07 AM on November 29, 2018


I love the fact that this absolute unit is called Knickers and that Underpants Monster commented on it. I am very sad he's been neutered. I don't care that he's a Great Dane amongst Labradors, he's lovely and a very good beef boi.
posted by h00py at 8:35 AM on November 29, 2018 [2 favorites]


our tremendous baby boy whom we are afraid of
posted by poffin boffin at 10:25 AM on November 29, 2018 [3 favorites]


When I worked at the agricultural college, making ag curriculum material for K-12 students, we were taught to call one animal of that species a 'bovine," regardless of its sex and fertility status. That's also the term I remember the FFA and 4-H kids at my rural high school using.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:44 PM


I dunno why but the first thing that came to mind upon reading this comment was:

"When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University!"
posted by some loser at 12:22 PM on November 29, 2018 [1 favorite]


My wife's family members are all less than 5ft tall. My wife is 4 ft 10 3/4 in. So I guess what I am saying is, I feel ya Knickers. I feel ya.
posted by arcticwoman at 1:45 PM on November 29, 2018 [2 favorites]


I'm the reporter who discovered Knickers the giant steer. I can assure you he is enormous

On behalf of all Australians: Leave our beefy boi alone. We will fite you.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:43 PM on November 29, 2018


I love the fact that this absolute unit is called Knickers and that Underpants Monster commented on it.

it's like I was just standing there at the intersection of undergarments and agriculture, just waiting for this story to come along.

(And that intersection is on the green, rolling campus of Bovine University.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:20 PM on November 29, 2018 [4 favorites]


I wonder if Gary Larson has anything to say about Knickers.
posted by Pronoiac at 7:19 PM on November 29, 2018


the duck by the oboe: "It’s really nice to see Australia getting international attention that isn’t related to a massive outbreak of public racism."

On the other hand has anyone checked to see whether Knickers is poisonous?
posted by Mitheral at 8:43 PM on November 30, 2018


And then I realized if he lived here in Canada his name equivalent would be Panties. Not quite the same ring to it...

Yeah. Probably best to stick with Dozer.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:11 PM on November 30, 2018


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