There is no documentation of a transient anus in any other animals
March 5, 2019 5:35 PM   Subscribe

Animal with an anus that comes and goes could reveal how ours evolved. The Warty Comb Jelly only has an anus when it needs to poop. The rest of the time, it disappears.
posted by moonmilk (74 comments total) 30 users marked this as a favorite
 
"transient anus" is probably a little on the nose for a sock puppet account name, eh?
posted by flaterik at 5:47 PM on March 5 [31 favorites]


Christ, what an...oh wait
posted by The Toad at 5:48 PM on March 5 [22 favorites]


heh heh butts.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 5:49 PM on March 5 [14 favorites]


The gut then fuses with the epidermis, forming an anal opening. Once excretion is complete, the process is reversed and the anus vanishes.

That's gotta make cleanup a snap.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:51 PM on March 5 [9 favorites]


"transient anus" is probably a little on the nose for a sock puppet account name, eh?

Possibly, but "warty comb jelly" is certainly a winner.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:52 PM on March 5 [20 favorites]


[harmonica intro]

warty warty warty warty warty comb jelly anus
you come and go
you come and go
pooping would be easy if your gut would just bulge and fuse
bulge, fuse, and poop
bulge, fuse, and poop
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:53 PM on March 5 [64 favorites]


so we start with some heavily distorted guitars. the same riff plays like three or four times. a like hammond organ or something comes in. and then the warty jelly comb starts talking:
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my anus was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's transient.
(don't worry, eventually the warty jelly comb finds its anus on some guy's blanket out on st. mark's. the guy wants 22 for it, but the warty jelly comb talks him down to 17.)
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 5:55 PM on March 5 [40 favorites]


Also, "warty comb jelly" is an anagram of "rectal by my jowl", so there ya go.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:58 PM on March 5 [32 favorites]


*record scratch*

Read more: Zoologger: The fish with its genitals on its head

*reads more*

Species: Phallostethus cuulong
Habitat: surface waters of the Mekong River in Vietnam

The male fish, a Phallostethus cuulong just 2 centimetres long, weaves between drifting vegetation in the sluggish waters of a canal. He closes in on a female, swims alongside her and tries to mate with her.

But to an outside observer, he seems to be doing it wrong. His head is right next to the female’s, but he’s at a 45-degree angle so his rear end is well below hers. Sounds misguided, but actually he’s doing it exactly right – it’s just that his gonads are on his head.

This is the challenge faced by all priapiumfish, a little-known group of Asian fish that have their reproductive organs on their chins, just behind their mouths.


*clears throat, removes crumpled paper from back pocket, smooths it out, squints at it, and begins to read*

There once was was a fish from Nantucket the Mekong...
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:00 PM on March 5 [20 favorites]


Metafilter: So far they appear to have permanent anuses.
posted by glonous keming at 6:01 PM on March 5 [12 favorites]


But to an outside observer, he seems to be doing it wrong.

Whatever, these fish are fucking dickheads.
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:04 PM on March 5 [26 favorites]


So what happens when the magical transformation can’t happen? Exploding warty comb jellies? Or is that question for last month?
posted by njohnson23 at 6:15 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


I love comb jellies. They’re the largest animal that use cilia to move. Which means they get to live the dream and eat 100% of the time.
posted by stoneweaver at 6:15 PM on March 5 [13 favorites]


Kay, that fish is a Ballchinian!
posted by delfin at 6:16 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


There once was was a fish from Nantucket the Mekong...

There was a male fish from the Mekong
That had somehow developed a chin-dong.
It may seem that he's cursed
To spend his life in reverse,
But he's amazingly gifted at ping-pong!!
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:21 PM on March 5 [27 favorites]


Aw man, all I had to offer this thread was a King Missile joke, and it's been done.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 6:25 PM on March 5 [12 favorites]


I have a detachable penis and a transient anus so most of the time I don't know if I'm coming or going.
posted by parki at 6:30 PM on March 5 [34 favorites]


Rectum? Can't even find 'um!
posted by tclark at 6:36 PM on March 5 [17 favorites]


i feel personally attacked by this title
posted by Foci for Analysis at 6:59 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


mandolin conspiracy: "There once was was a fish from Nantucket the Mekong..."
There once was a fish from the Mekong
whose chin sported a rather large dong
His wife wouldn't admit
to liking it one bit
But nightly she'd scream his name quite strong

my limerick skills are quite rusty and good poetry is indeed hard
posted by andycyca at 7:09 PM on March 5 [9 favorites]




Transient anuses are the specialty of the hobo proctologist.
posted by dr_dank at 7:14 PM on March 5 [15 favorites]


Christ, what an asshole!
posted by tocts at 7:20 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


Transient anus, warty comb jelly - it's like these are all code names for obscure operations.
posted by doctornemo at 7:21 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


Transient anuses are the specialty of the hobo proctologist.
posted by dr_dank

Christ, what an asshole!
posted by tocts

Transient anus, warty comb jelly - it's like these are all code names for obscure operations.
posted by doctornemo


Such glorious eponasty trifecta.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:31 PM on March 5 [8 favorites]


Christ, I'm an asshole.
posted by transient at 7:42 PM on March 5 [19 favorites]


Christ, where's my asshole??
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:44 PM on March 5 [15 favorites]


Your own
Transient
Anus
Something to flush your waste
Goes back in place
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:00 PM on March 5 [22 favorites]


"Transient anus" sounds like an entry from a small town police blotter.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:05 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Hehe, anus that comes.
posted by ActionPopulated at 8:11 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


Your own
Transient
Anus
Something to flush your waste
Goes back in place


Feeling unknown
And you're all alone
Comb, no bone
Sitting on the throne
Fuse the epidermis
It's really quite the service
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:15 PM on March 5 [15 favorites]


winter ocean salt
fleeting season's briny sting
my anus vanished
posted by glonous keming at 8:24 PM on March 5 [9 favorites]


Everything that keeps my ass together is falling apart
I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fusing my own anus
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:29 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]




All pooped out. All aboard the Express Kundalini from the anus to the crown of the head. Can we at least hit the bits and work our way up...
posted by zengargoyle at 8:36 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


We are the Transients
We are the Transients of Anus
(spoken in a low voice) Anus...
(tasty guitar solo)
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:50 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


Wait, y'all don't have a transient anus? Wow, the things you learn about people on the Internet.
posted by BeeDo at 8:56 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


We are all poop tubes. In one end and out the other. If you rotate us around an appropriate axis all the things we need and all the things we excrete are on the outside. Invert the can of beans and it turns into an apple. The most inside is the outside and the outside is the in. Now you only have to worry about Chirality and which way you'll swing. Or if you're ambidextetrous.
posted by zengargoyle at 9:06 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Calling occupants of extradermatary craps
Calling occupants of extradermatary, almost temporary craps
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:12 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


Brief anus in epiderm-ise
Opposite end from my mouth'd be nice
Not too particular, not too precise
I've got a, brief anus in epiderm-ise
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:31 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


Hypothelialilly we're all food and shit if you look from the right perspective.
posted by zengargoyle at 9:33 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


I was considering Buffett too. Well done Greg Ace
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:39 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Well, Julie, I just wrote "transient anus"
posted by en forme de poire at 9:47 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Transient Anus, Transient Anus
I shat on my neighbors
Transient Anus, Transient Anus
Now I'm in all the papers.

Transient Anus, Transient Anus
Dumping on your lawn
Transient Anus, Transient Anus
Tony Orlando and Dawn,
posted by zengargoyle at 10:10 PM on March 5 [15 favorites]


my name is comb
and wen iv et
and wen my gut
is full as get

it make a hole
wich I can shut
so wen im done
i lose my butt
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:12 PM on March 5 [44 favorites]


This is one of my favorite excretory things: Most Mammals Take 21 Seconds to Pee. Go ahead, try it.
posted by zengargoyle at 10:29 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Zengargoyle, initial data fits hypothesis, but unable to replicate on subsequent trial.
posted by ryanrs at 11:03 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


For sale, transient anus, never fused.
posted by sysinfo at 12:50 AM on March 6 [9 favorites]


I have resorbed
the anus
that was in
my gut bulge

and which
you were probably
wondering
where it went

Forgive me
I was done pooping
and I didn't need it
anymore
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 3:11 AM on March 6 [10 favorites]


I will permit it to pass through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where it has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
posted by zamboni at 3:46 AM on March 6 [20 favorites]


Why are there so many
Songs about poopholes
And what's on the other side

Someday we'll find it
The Transient Anus
The warty comb jellies and me
[soulful banjo solo]
posted by moonmilk at 4:58 AM on March 6 [28 favorites]


so. are we going to start recording all of this transient anus filk, or not? because we could take this over to projects...
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 6:26 AM on March 6 [2 favorites]


zamboni you made me laugh

I love everyone in this thread
posted by Lawn Beaver at 7:11 AM on March 6 [7 favorites]


Ur anus has vanished! Call an asstrophysicist...
posted by mermayd at 8:07 AM on March 6 [5 favorites]


Or a coprophysicist...
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:33 AM on March 6


I love you all so much.
posted by sarcasticah at 8:34 AM on March 6


If we do record a transient anus filk album, it will be a joy to share it with the authors of the paper and the article.

Also the band should be called The Ctenophones.
posted by moonmilk at 8:35 AM on March 6 [5 favorites]


Q. Why are there no luminous species of warty comb jellies?

A. They couldn't find their own ass with a flashlight
posted by moonmilk at 8:41 AM on March 6 [8 favorites]


"Or a coprophysicist..."

"First, assume a spherical..."
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 9:27 AM on March 6


Your anus may have evolved, but mine was intelligently designed.
posted by Pericles at 9:39 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


Time to rethink that adage about opinions.
posted by misterpatrick at 10:23 AM on March 6 [8 favorites]


My anus, 'tis but thee --
n'thy transient majesty
that will enthrall:
Food gets into my gut
But I hath got no butt
So I create a rut
In my epidermal wall

My anus comes and goes,
Scientists do propose:
An int'rmediate phase.
After my guts I spill
My tract withdraws until
My anus again is nil --
I accept your praise!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:40 AM on March 6 [15 favorites]


*stands at attention and holds hand over heart*
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:56 AM on March 6 [4 favorites]


@parki Perhaps this Youtube:King Missile - Detachable Penis
posted by Dub at 2:53 PM on March 6


Sure the anus is transient, but what of the wart comb jelly g-spot?
posted by Redhush at 2:59 PM on March 6


*stands at attention and holds hand over heart anus*

FTFM.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:03 PM on March 6 [4 favorites]


*stands at attention and holds hand over heart anus creates anus on palm of hand*

now that's how you do the warty comb jelly salute, fellas
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:19 PM on March 6 [4 favorites]


creates anus on palm of hand

Wish in one hand and...well, you know.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:21 PM on March 6 [3 favorites]


Anus in the hand is worth poo in the bush?
posted by moonmilk at 4:38 PM on March 6 [4 favorites]




I can't believe y'all are going on and on about poop.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:10 PM on March 6 [5 favorites]


WE LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:43 PM on March 6 [11 favorites]


╔══════════════════════════════════════╗
║  SOMEWHERE IN THE WESTERN ATLANTIC   ║
║  A JELLYFISH IS MISSING ITS ASSHOLE  ║
╚══════════════════════════════════════╝
posted by zamboni at 7:20 PM on March 6 [7 favorites]


....Someone else do a Ze Frank style thing, I am trying to think of a filk but can't do it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:48 PM on March 7


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