Didn't Calvin do this in A Wind In The Door?

June 22, 2019 3:47 PM

"Supposedly you can sweet-talk your plant to greater health — so I screamed at and insulted a plant every day for three weeks, all in the name of science" This....does not quite go as one expected.

It involves cute to terrible names for plants, an attack cat, video torture, and...how do you determine results of this?

posted by jenfullmoon (23 comments total)

Good Omens taught us that screaming at plants and murdering those that fail to measure up to standard does wonders!
posted by acidnova at 3:50 PM on June 22, 2019 [42 favorites]

I am just here to say that A Wind in the Door was my favorite of the quartet, and thank you for that post title.
posted by booksherpa at 4:22 PM on June 22, 2019 [17 favorites]

My partner rage-impulse purchased some romanesco starts this year, so they're on our balcony in pretty large pots. I don't praise them but I do ask them how they're doing, whether everyone's ready to head today, whether everyone's feeling turgid, etc.

It absolutely does not help: the largest head is starting to bolt (we had one really hot day and I didn't realize I had to insulate them), and the other heads are single florets, and some plants seem to have no plans to head at all.
posted by batter_my_heart at 4:29 PM on June 22, 2019 [3 favorites]

“How is a precious tomato plant supposed to thrive in this hated-at dirt!?”
posted by The Whelk at 4:31 PM on June 22, 2019 [6 favorites]

They did this on Mythbusters. One of the early seasons when Scottie was still on the team.
posted by matildaben at 4:35 PM on June 22, 2019 [5 favorites]

Truth be told, I am not feeling all that turgid this evening, but it's very sweet of you to ask.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:47 PM on June 22, 2019 [10 favorites]

It absolutely does not help

So maybe there’s just something whack about romanesco- I started some from seed and got what appeared to be a purple broccoli- the seeds had been mislabeled. Maybe if I’d shouted at it it would have taken the correct form.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 5:09 PM on June 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

The Secret Life of Plants.
posted by sammyo at 5:18 PM on June 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

They did this on Mythbusters.

How did that go? Oh wait. "Tory had a thought and the plant reacted."
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:19 PM on June 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

But you know what? After three weeks, McFuckface has actually gained my respect: He took daily abuse in all kinds of forms, and yet, he held strong.

Checks out. Impatiens are shade-loving plants.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:43 PM on June 22, 2019 [104 favorites]

I know someone who shouts at yeast as an integral part of the brewing process. Don’t know if it helps but I’m thinking of adopting the practice just for the hell of it.
posted by rodlymight at 6:58 PM on June 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

I know someone who shouts at yeast as an integral part of the brewing process.

Shouting...

...lager lager lager lager?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:10 PM on June 22, 2019 [10 favorites]

When I was a kid I had a book that was half cookbook, half "science experiments you can do in your kitchen!" This was one of the experiments: get two identical plants, give them the same soil, water, and light, but every day spend some time to coo and coodle one of them, and hurl anger and abuse at the other.

It soured me on the whole book. Just the idea of screaming at a plant that didn't deserve it was pretty upsetting, even if you ended up with no result.

I was a sensitive kid.

I still don't think I could do it.
posted by brett at 7:38 PM on June 22, 2019 [34 favorites]

Someday, the plants will rebel.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 8:23 PM on June 22, 2019 [3 favorites]

As funny as this is, it is ridiculously unscientific. He needed to remove all variables and at least do the following:

1. make sure there is a large numbers of plants in each of the three sets (as mentioned in the article)
2. make sure there is an exact match in sunlight, food, water for all plants
3. make sure all three sets in different rooms to abuse and nice words are only heard by relevant plants
posted by greenhornet at 8:54 PM on June 22, 2019 [5 favorites]

Plants are the oldest sensors in the world. Could they be the future of computers?
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:02 PM on June 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

it is ridiculously unscientific

Ya, and this more than most study calls out for a blinding too. The person doing the care and feeding should not know which ones are being yelled at.
posted by mark k at 11:11 PM on June 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

dances_with_sneetches: Someday, the plants will rebel.

Well, there was that time...

mark k: Ya, and this more than most study calls out for a blinding too.

...that thing happened.

tl;dr: Be nice to your plants. And don't experiment on them.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:27 AM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

As funny as this is, it is ridiculously unscientific.

Exactly. No plant experiment can hope to be scientific without googly eyes.
posted by flabdablet at 4:32 AM on June 23, 2019 [6 favorites]

Calvin didn’t do it himself. He only read about it.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:52 AM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]

Lizzy, the cat, looks like our boy! OK, that's all i have to say about that. Off to finish.
posted by symbioid at 4:36 PM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

Swearing at Japanese Knotweed has the opposite effect.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 5:07 PM on June 23, 2019 [3 favorites]

Why sweet talk your plants when we've had Plantasia technology since the 1970s? As for heaping abuse on your plants, I do believe that's how you end up with a Little Shop of Horrors situation.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 9:22 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]