“Dominic Cummings ... has the air of a startled testicle ...”

December 7, 2019 5:24 AM

(CW swears, savage satire) Frankie Boyle on the UK election. “Boris Johnson, who looks like something you’d keep your pyjamas in, and who no reasonable person would choose to lead them into a chorus, has a strangely hunched demeanour; perhaps from all the time he spends crammed inside married women’s wardrobes, like a randy jack-in-the-box. This confused sex yeti has been booed by nurses: people who can remove a dressing, examine a festering wound, and still look up at you with a smile ... He doesn’t even seem to enjoy it; throughout the campaign he’s sported a face that looks as if it’s been kneaded by a baker going through a particularly bitter divorce ...”
posted by Wordshore (44 comments total)

Jonathon Pie is not happy either.
posted by Your Childhood Pet Rock at 5:37 AM on December 7, 2019 [11 favorites]

From the Jonathon Pie video Your Childhood Pet Rock linked to up above: “You are a microwave meal Prime Minister. A microwave meal full of shit, no nutritional value at all.”

LOLOLOLOLOL
posted by Fizz at 5:58 AM on December 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

I strenuously object to this characterization. Even the most unkempt, bewildered and horny of the world’s confused sex yetis deserves better than to be compared to Boris Johnson.
posted by mhoye at 6:12 AM on December 7, 2019 [24 favorites]

my sides
posted by lalochezia at 6:24 AM on December 7, 2019

"Some might see misogyny in this reaction to her, but I’m fairly sure I just hate her for being from Milngavie."

This is *so* Scottish that it actually hurts with laughter.
posted by ewan at 6:32 AM on December 7, 2019 [8 favorites]

This? This is your shagger god?
posted by doctornemo at 6:35 AM on December 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

“3G Wodehouse“

This is absolute gold.
posted by Jellybean_Slybun at 6:38 AM on December 7, 2019 [11 favorites]

in a couple of years you’ll be living in a tent city outside an Amazon warehouse trying to GoFund a tonsillectomy

Hello from America!
posted by doctornemo at 6:50 AM on December 7, 2019 [46 favorites]

The Tories started their social media campaign in ernest today: they’re spamming a “Get Brexit Done” advert on YouTube. The message is clear & presumably their focus group work has told them that it’ll be effective.

It’s complete bollocks of course - getting the WA through just ensures we enter the next round of the Brexit Thunderdome - but a lot of people are very tired of the endless arguing over Brexit & the Tories are promising to just make it all go away. How do you counter that?
posted by pharm at 6:54 AM on December 7, 2019

Note to self: Don't run for office in the UK until after Frankie Boyle dies.
posted by Joan Rivers of Babylon at 6:56 AM on December 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

Yeah, don't mess with the British. They will absolutely slaughter you. I have no idea how we managed to win the revolution.
posted by Naberius at 7:22 AM on December 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

Choose your words carefully when calling a Scotsman British
posted by thedaniel at 7:48 AM on December 7, 2019 [36 favorites]

I lost it at "...if 52% of the electorate vote for Brexit, they get three years of what feels like trying to shit out a pool table."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:21 AM on December 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

It says a lot about how badly the last couple of years have gone, that there’s a guy who destroyed Libya, presided over needless austerity and fucked a pig, and we wish that he’d just used his own judgment.

Hindsight is 20/20, and sometimes results in tearing out one’s own eyes in horror. This is one way that Brexit is like a Greek tragedy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:35 AM on December 7, 2019 [8 favorites]

If you are basing your opinions of the UK and it's public on what is shown in the press then you are a fool.
posted by Burn_IT at 9:09 AM on December 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

I especially like how he spends 90% of the piece taking a spiked cricket bat to everyone and everything, but then, like, the red mist clears and he ends it on this really cute and human note. Let's hope that's a metaphor for what's happening...
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 9:10 AM on December 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

Dominic Cummings looks like he works in television (which I think might be the worst thing you can say about anyone), has the air of a startled testicle, and the name of a character in a porn parody of The Talented Mr Ripley (“The Talentless Fister Ripped Me”).

I did not see that coming. So funny. Thanks for the post, Wordshore.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:22 AM on December 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

Yeah, don't mess with the British. They will absolutely slaughter you. I have no idea how we managed to win the revolution.

Well, the Brits' insistence on wearing bright red and marching in straight lines out in the open helped. That, and we contracted the French.

..................
...turns out it’s tricky for English voters to take back control of their borders when one of them is in someone else’s country.

Daaaaaaaaaammmmmmnnnn...
posted by Thorzdad at 10:09 AM on December 7, 2019 [8 favorites]

And, I just don't understand how the reality of the Tories and Trump negotiating-away the NHS isn't making more noise coming into this election than it seems to be.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:17 AM on December 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

Easy. Tories control something like 75% of major newspapers.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 11:35 AM on December 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

And the BBC.
posted by Bee'sWing at 11:37 AM on December 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

And Facebook and Twitter...
posted by aeshnid at 11:49 AM on December 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

"Someone else who will still be here after the Rapture is the Brexit party’s Nigel Farage."

Gosh I needed this.
posted by hototogisu at 11:52 AM on December 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

And, I just don't understand how the reality of the Tories and Trump negotiating-away the NHS isn't making more noise coming into this election than it seems to be.

That story has taken an interesting turn.
posted by kickingtheground at 12:21 PM on December 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

What, you mean that the story about the real threat to the NHS from the Tories has become about Corbyn having to defend himself, even in the Guardian? Funny, that.
posted by Grangousier at 12:43 PM on December 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

Then again, Conservatives would say that the story of Christmas chimes with their values, as it involves a pregnant refugee being treated quite badly.

I cannot wait until the next season of NWO.
posted by eclectist at 12:44 PM on December 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

Jacob Rees-Mogg looks like someone's reflection in a spoon.
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 12:47 PM on December 7, 2019 [7 favorites]

Wordshore, this was hilarious and made me laugh so hard, and then the sudden sweetness at the end was just lovely. Thanks for the post.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 12:57 PM on December 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

I couldn't figure out what on earth a startled testicle would look like, but I googled Dominic Cummings and it now makes perfect sense.
posted by zeri at 1:00 PM on December 7, 2019 [7 favorites]

I thought the Russians were helping the Tories/Brexit. Now they are working against the Tories? Sneaky....
posted by eagles123 at 1:03 PM on December 7, 2019

Frankie Boyle may not be the angry mean bastard we need, but he's the angry mean bastard we deserve. This was a thing of dark beauty.
posted by biogeo at 1:13 PM on December 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

UK political commentators leave the Americans for dead. There's really no contest.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 1:33 PM on December 7, 2019 [6 favorites]

For all the good it does...
posted by sjswitzer at 1:35 PM on December 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

It would nice to be able to laugh at this stuff. No doubt it will all be very much worse by this time next week.
posted by glasseyes at 2:48 PM on December 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

Yeah, don't mess with the British. They will absolutely slaughter you. I have no idea how we managed to win the revolution.

If you read up on the American Revolution from a British perspective (I recommend Redcoats and Rebels by Christopher Hibbert), you'll find vicious British domestic politics played more than a little role in all that.

Thank you for sharing this, OP. This article was gold (so was most of the Pie piece, just wish he'd consider some of his insults are grounded in misogyny). But this line here?
...turns out it’s tricky for English voters to take back control of their borders when one of them is in someone else’s country.
This is where I wanted to stand up and salute. Or buy him a drink. Or whatever's appropriate.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 3:23 PM on December 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

Twenty miles up, it’s a freezing cold universe

And we're all really frigid
We're just tiny little snowflakes
About the size of Mickey Rooney
posted by Space Coyote at 7:06 PM on December 7, 2019

Twenty miles up - 30 kilometres up - and it's a freezing cold universe - with radiation

So if you think it is a bit rough here - it gets worse, the further up you go - so let us support those who help us support each other. Maybe we need to emphasise altitude, before latitude and longitude.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 7:59 PM on December 7, 2019

→ … I just hate her for being from Milngavie.
Not just Scottish, but specifically spot-on from a southsider.

Milngavie (pr. /mull-GUY/) is a posh outer suburb to the northwest of Glasgow. It's where many of the smug boys (the ones not from Bearsden or Newton Mearns, at least) who end up being Scotland's governing class come from. Boyle's from Pollokshaws, a somewhat grittier neighbourhood in the south side.
posted by scruss at 7:38 AM on December 8, 2019 [6 favorites]

If you read up on the American Revolution from a British perspective (I recommend Redcoats and Rebels by Christopher Hibbert), you'll find vicious British domestic politics played more than a little role in all that.

Or just read up on the Peace of Paris (1783). Not only was there a treaty with the Americans, there was one with the French (who had poured a billion livres into the fledgeling US, leading to the French Revolution) who were allied with the Spanish, and one with the Dutch. The British in that collection of wars had no allies.
posted by Francis at 3:51 AM on December 9, 2019

I thought the Russians were helping the Tories/Brexit. Now they are working against the Tories? Sneaky....

The goal of the Russian state appears to be to stir up internal strife in countries that they view as opposed to Russian state goals. To that end they leak hacked documents to whichever side can use them to discredit their political opponents - the more internal conflict they can create, the less effective they make the target country at organising itself to resist the things that the Russian state actually wants to do.

They play the long game of information warfare. One leak is not the point. Leak after leak after leak that undermines people’s trust in their own government & sets them against each other is the point. They seek to amplify existing conflicts & create new ones where they don’t already exist.

Brexit was perfect for this of course, but they’ll use whatever comes to hand.
posted by pharm at 4:23 AM on December 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

eagles123: I thought the Russians were helping the Tories/Brexit. Now they are working against the Tories? Sneaky....

I think the simplest summary of Russian intent is to be the most competently run country (and then have the most power in international decision-making) by making other countries fight themselves. Internal strife is the goal.

Conservatives amplified (retweeted) Russian trolls 30 times more often than Liberals (PBS), which means that liberals also promoted messages from Russian trolls.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:47 AM on December 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

It's interesting to see how the campaign literature differs by recipient. A friend's elderly mother has had a flyer through the door from the Tory incumbent, which has nothing at all about his policies and says only that he is "a local lad". No-one else I know has had this one so it may be because of her age.

It's also odd to see that, even in my marginal where you'd think money and expertise were being thrown at campaigning, some of the material from the main parties is still not great. Had a letter from the Labour challenger the other day which is very wordy and could be much more punchy.
posted by paduasoy at 3:21 AM on December 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

Weirdly, I received Brexit Party material in the post this morning, which given that I live in a Tory marginal seems like it wouldn’t be the greatest idea from their POV? Who can tell what goes through Nigel Farage’s head though.
posted by pharm at 10:43 AM on December 10, 2019

We have a Brexiteer standing too, which must be really unhelpful for the Tories here (good). He's someone who's had a bit of an on-off relationship with the Tories over the years. Stood down in their favour in 2015.

We also had a slightly odd campaign flyer mentioning no party name but telling us to vote against school cuts and to go online to find out which party that was. I assume it's Labour but haven't looked.
posted by paduasoy at 2:15 AM on December 11, 2019