If you live in a glass house....

April 24, 2021 8:54 AM

This listing has my emotions in a shamble. Long private drive leads to this unparalleled modern riverfront glass barn designed & engineered on skyscraper principles. Newly renovated top to bottom in 2018 with no detail overlooked
posted by bluesky43 (84 comments total)

I'm angry about how quickly I went from 'interesting idea but you couldn't pay me to live in a greenhouse reliant on smart home apps' to 'oh no I love it'. I think it was the atmospheric misty winter photos that did me in.

(I'm still salty about the smart home stuff, but in the garden of my imagination -- the only place I can afford this house -- IoT always works perfectly and companies never go out of business.)
posted by kalimac at 9:05 AM on April 24, 2021 [5 favorites]

Forget see-through walls... you put white carpet?? in a PLAYROOM??
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 9:08 AM on April 24, 2021 [24 favorites]

You can just rub white chalk on it like Roman candidates did.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 9:09 AM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

Ok but one of my favorite hobbies is throwing stones - is this house for me?
posted by GuyZero at 9:11 AM on April 24, 2021 [31 favorites]

So how do you handle the greenhouse effect on a sunny day? Wouldn't it heat up to unbearable levels if you didn't have a massive air conditioning system? I mean, a sun porch can go up to eighty degrees easy in midwinter. It looks like it is on the untenable side of impractical.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:25 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

There's an awful lot in that listing about climate control and it looks like you can either lower shades or change the opacity of the windows (well, you can ask Alexa to do so)? I agree, my first thought was that you'd instantly roast on even a slightly sunny day*, but I guess with careful use of shades and heavy-duty air conditioning, you can keep it livable.

*I just have some largeish south-facing windows, but I barely need to turn on the heat in winter!
posted by kalimac at 9:35 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

I don't understand the tweeter's "This listing has my emotions in a shamble." It's a lovely house with a LOT of glass that a lot of people would find off-putting. But do her shambled emotions indicate she likes it? Or hates it?
posted by jonathanhughes at 9:37 AM on April 24, 2021 [4 favorites]

So her emotions are walking with a slow shuffling gait?
posted by Splunge at 9:40 AM on April 24, 2021 [6 favorites]

I get what she's saying. I too want a house with giant windows for lovely views, but also don't want anyone to be able to see me standing there in a raggedy bathrobe digging in my ear with my pinkie while I compose poetry in my mind about the snow on distant mountaintops. It's better if they just see the poetry.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 9:47 AM on April 24, 2021 [14 favorites]

This is entirely single glazed, isn't it?
posted by Dysk at 10:08 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

Wouldn't it heat up to unbearable levels if you didn't have a massive air conditioning system?

There is a reason the listing features the "Commercial grade, 5 Zone geothermal system heating and cooling systems with oil boiler for back-up heat." It's going to be an energy hog, but at least they are using an efficient system.

This is entirely single glazed, isn't it?

Can you even get single glazed windows permitted these days? I only ever see them in unrestored older construction. Assuming they followed code, there is a minimum energy standard those windows should meet.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:15 AM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

Once I looked at the house I took "shamble" to be like "poleaxed". Taken out under a tree and stunned. It’s so.... awe-ful.
posted by clew at 10:27 AM on April 24, 2021 [3 favorites]

But do her shambled emotions indicate she likes it? Or hates it? I read that as "it's really lovely and I'm irrationally drawn to it, but I also realize that it would require too much work and energy to be sustainable long-term"--which is how I felt about the person I almost married when I was in grad school.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:27 AM on April 24, 2021 [15 favorites]

Man, $1.7 million gets you a hell of a lot more house there than where I live.
posted by aramaic at 10:30 AM on April 24, 2021 [22 favorites]

A lot of the windows seem to have the foggy look of double-glazing with blown seals; I'm familiar with this. I love the idea of the house, the mix of metal framing, glass, brick, stove pipe. Is the enormous silo just a staircase? So much white carpet/ tile/ etc. I hate tvs over fireplaces. It makes the tv too high on the wall and it's ugly. The dining deck could easily have been made adjacent, have a fireplace and be directly connected to the house. the seating area w/ fire pit is superfluous; there are a bunch of desks and balconies on the back, in think. The house doesn't appear to have a good flow and really, too much acreage. No photo of the back of the house, really, kind of weird. An all glass house, including a couple baths, with close neighbors is odd. I love a lot about it and hate a lot.

the house might be a metaphor.
posted by theora55 at 10:31 AM on April 24, 2021 [4 favorites]

I'm not proud of the fact that I'd freaking love to live in that house. White carpet, expensive heating/cooling, I just don't give a shit. Put me in there and let me just LIVE.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:35 AM on April 24, 2021 [3 favorites]

It looks really ugly to me. The barn roof and "silo" just don't go with the glass, and not in a thoughtful way.
posted by airmail at 10:36 AM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

Windexing intensifies
posted by schoolgirl report at 10:42 AM on April 24, 2021 [22 favorites]

It would be really great in Second Life.
posted by clew at 10:42 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

The kitchen and some of the other living spaces are lovely, but I shudder to think how hard it would be to keep all those white carpets from looking dingy. Then again, I guess people who can afford 1.7 million house can easily hire some help. Still, it's not for me- nor are all the HGTV-esque light fixtures. Plus, who wants to live in Monkton?
posted by coffeecat at 10:44 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

This house brings new meaning to exposing oneself to nature.
posted by NoxAeternum at 10:47 AM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

No dishwasher nor pantry area that I can see. I'm out.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:50 AM on April 24, 2021

Yeah, but what does it look/feel like inside at night? I'd constantly feel like I was in a horror movie.
posted by straight at 10:50 AM on April 24, 2021 [14 favorites]

Oh hell no. There is exactly one window in my apartment and I have washed it exactly zero times since I moved in. I am really curious about what the hell is on the ceiling of the dining room. I am also deeply and used by the non-ergonomic office set up We’re the backs of all the monitors are against the windows because whoever built that decided that no single room should ever feel cozy or protected. It’s a beautiful location and I love the green houses but that is too damn much glass for all kinds of reasons. It was super fun to tour, thanks OP!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:53 AM on April 24, 2021

It's definitely a statement house, but it's not that bad. The glass house thing has been done before, this is just more of a glass McMansion (although it feels a bit better designed than a standard McMansion).
posted by LionIndex at 10:55 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

Also, who puts a rug in the kitchen, right in front of the ovens?
posted by Dysk at 10:58 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

I'm just picturing how many cat noseprints would end up on every wall.
posted by Daily Alice at 10:58 AM on April 24, 2021 [19 favorites]

Living in that house is just begging to get caught up in John Wick's life. And that never ends well for anyone.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:00 AM on April 24, 2021 [6 favorites]

Why are there solid walls on the shed but not the house? You need more privacy in the shed than in the house? Whatcha doing out there?
posted by vverse23 at 11:04 AM on April 24, 2021 [6 favorites]

Man, $1.7 million gets you a hell of a lot more house there than where I live.

On four acres to boot.

Man, that thing’s fuuuuuuuugly. The location is fantastic. But the house? More money than sense or taste.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:05 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

I'm just picturing how many cat noseprints would end up on every wall.

but as we learned earlier this week, perhaps not cat buttholeprints
posted by dismas at 11:08 AM on April 24, 2021 [6 favorites]

I'm just picturing how many cat noseprints would end up on every wall.

Noseprints would be the least of your worries.
posted by Paul Slade at 11:11 AM on April 24, 2021 [5 favorites]

It's the Yevgeny Zamyatin memorial house.
posted by jb at 11:13 AM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

First interior pics: I hate this house. It reminds me of the first of the Cullens' houses in the Twilight movies and this is a bad thing.
By about interior picture three: I take it all back. The Cullens' interiors are at least livable compared to this cream-carpet-in-child-area hellscape.
posted by Vortisaur at 11:14 AM on April 24, 2021

It reminds me of a doll's house.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 11:18 AM on April 24, 2021

That garage door, tho.

What's going on with the wacky real estate in MD? This is the second post I've seen this month (that I've seen), lol
posted by sundrop at 11:49 AM on April 24, 2021

the goth house is under contract; i've been checking the listing to see what it eventually sells for
posted by dismas at 12:13 PM on April 24, 2021 [4 favorites]

Help! I'm confused by this particular twitter exclamation from that thread. It's a photo of an open door. Why is that particular picture worthy of note, what are they exclaiming about?

Also: Have these people never seen Grand Designs? What's with all the small window panes? Don't they know that they have to spend £20K on bespoke single pane floor-to-ceiling windows that have to be winched into place by crane while the owner hyperventilates in the corner and Kevin looks on, raising an arched eyebrow about how he can't help think they might have bitten off more than they can chew?
posted by penguin pie at 12:26 PM on April 24, 2021 [6 favorites]

Help! I'm confused by this particular twitter exclamation from that thread. It's a photo of an open door. Why is that particular picture worthy of note, what are they exclaiming about?

Doorknob's cool.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:37 PM on April 24, 2021 [4 favorites]

You need more privacy in the shed than in the house? Whatcha doing out there?

All the private stuff they can't do in the house.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:48 PM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

Also, who puts a rug in the kitchen, right in front of the ovens?
posted by Dysk

A Sims fan?
posted by Splunge at 12:48 PM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

No thank you I have seen this horror movie already. There is nowhere to run & nowhere to hide.
posted by kerf at 1:02 PM on April 24, 2021 [5 favorites]

Showed this to my overachieving sister who once had a huge house that was mostly windows. Her comment: “New owner needs a huge budget for window washing and a high tolerance for bird collisions.”
posted by kinnakeet at 1:17 PM on April 24, 2021 [4 favorites]

It was the weird bathroom window somehow embedded in the roof that got me. It would always bother me that this dead space is just sealed in by these two windows. The rest of the place is full of all sorts of insane corners and angles that horrify and confuse the eye when it should all be fairly rectangular. The weird triangular landing on that one staircase just looks like someone made a big oopsie on the blueprints. The warm stone fireplace and wall sections clash so badly with the the cool-toned flooring, not to mention the deeply depressing gray bedrooms and bathrooms. Why does EVERY bathroom have its own equally bland tile pattern? The one with the hexagonal floor and wall tiles that don't flow into the shower floor and nook backsplash is just...why. And the master bath has... no toilet? Maybe it's in the room with the shower we got to see two pictures of?

None of the outdoor seating areas have any kind of covering?

Those clear plastic chairs and the insane ceiling in the dining room make me want to scream. Why insist on these matte black fingerprint traps for all the interior doors and then this giant wood door that matches nothing else in the house? Somehow a black front door was just TOO MUCH for the people who wanted their neighbors to watch them do everything every day? Why does the walkway stone change at the door and then change back for the foot and a half that leads to the yard?

Do not want.
posted by wakannai at 1:31 PM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

A shamble and a shambles: I figure they could shamble less.
posted by k3ninho at 1:46 PM on April 24, 2021

Do some of you people want to get Funny Gamed? Because moving into a house like this is how you get Funny Gamed.
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:06 PM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

5,550 sq ft is an obscene amount of space for what is presumed to be a 1 family home.

The garage looks annoying af to get out of, no turnaround and that area does get some snow. It's a bit of a walk to the house, but maybe they just get groceries delivered. Many of the details are weirdly spendy or weirdly inelegant. The garage door is not square, why not level the parking and garage area? There are far too many televisions. The slope of the hill looks steep, and I think the laundry room and the room with the drums are in 'daylight basement', so it's effectively 4 stories. You really don't need the stairmaster, just put laundry away for exercise. That weird window in that bathroom is because it's effectively in the attic.

There are roller blinds at the tops of windows; I'll bet they're automatic and I'll bet they look pretty terrible in use, and they are certainly in use a lot.
posted by theora55 at 2:11 PM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

Winning comment: I wouldn’t want that house just because I would be so worried about criticizing anyone about anything
posted by HotToddy at 2:19 PM on April 24, 2021 [10 favorites]

I feel like I should quote my dear, departed dad here. They’ve got more money than brains.
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 2:22 PM on April 24, 2021 [3 favorites]

That place would have absolutely atrocious acoustics.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 2:53 PM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

Why didn't they find an excellent architect and ask for incredible amount of sun? I'd love a sunroom and all but yeah omg, more money than taste.
posted by sammyo at 2:59 PM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

Omg the acoustics. Can you imagine having a barky dog in there?
posted by HotToddy at 3:00 PM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

The sunset-tinged photo was appealing, but really -- 5bd, 6ba, 4 acres, and only TWO covered parking spaces is some rubbish.
There's a seekrit underground compound with tunnels, a parking level, and mad pantries; the river drowns out the elevator noise from the covered "barn."
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:02 PM on April 24, 2021

This is defo a movie house - John Wick lives in it and various laser sighting devices from would-be assassins crisscross the 360 degree views.
posted by phigmov at 3:02 PM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

That place would have absolutely atrocious acoustics.

Seeing a drum kit in there made me shudder.
posted by Daily Alice at 3:26 PM on April 24, 2021 [5 favorites]

This is beautiful.
posted by subdee at 4:32 PM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

I have mixed feelings - on one hand, I love unique houses and lots of windows, but this is too much. Plus the architecture just seems off, feels like a mishmash of styles.

The glass house thing has been done before

Now those are cool! Have always been a fan of Mies van der Rohe and the Mid-century modern style, would love something like the Farnsworth House if I could ever afford or find it.
posted by photo guy at 5:04 PM on April 24, 2021

if I could ever afford or find it

Pretty sure you'd need to do both.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:34 PM on April 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

I think the house is beautiful but it calls to my mind the old urban legend about someone blearily checking into a remote cabin late at night and being unnerved by the many portraits of strange staring people adorning the walls, only to wake up and find that the room is full of windows. A stupid story and yet nonetheless one I'd be wholly unable to forget every evening that I lived in that place. Same reason I couldn't live in a place full of mirrors. Too conditioned by horror movies.
posted by Emily's Fist at 6:15 PM on April 24, 2021 [3 favorites]

WHAT would you do sitting in your living room in your remote glass house at night and suddenly there’s someone outside! Maybe more than one someone! I can’t get over the horror movie terrors, I’ve already imagined so many scenarios.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 6:32 PM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

Looks like one of those houses that gets finished 2 years late and 5 times over budget because the client's outrageously specific demands constantly delayed and inflated every single thing about building it, and is, of course, pretty much impossible to sell. The sort of place that, if you build it as your dream home, you better be willing to die in, because you are never, ever, getting your money back.
posted by howfar at 7:20 PM on April 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

I do not want to own this house, but I do want a friend to own this house and let me stay over repeatedly despite my inevitable passive aggressive teasing/jealous commentary about it.
posted by pie_seven at 7:38 PM on April 24, 2021 [6 favorites]

suddenly there’s someone outside!

Smart house solution: lots of IR/motion sensors set to dim the house lights and aim the outdoors spotlights.

It would either keep the bears out of the trash or really cheer them up.
posted by clew at 8:39 PM on April 24, 2021 [3 favorites]

Definitely more money than sense, certainly more money than taste. But what money they have left may be found in that safe in the walk-in wardrobe (which seems to be light on mirrors).

A few years ago we viewed a large house intended as a down-sized Scottish Borders retirement home for an actual, knew the Queen, Countess. Sadly she died just as it was completed and the kids wanted to sell it off. Like this it was too large, not in our budget and not where we'd want to live, unlike this it was beautifully done and very tasteful.
posted by epo at 2:18 AM on April 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

I hate tvs over fireplaces.

TV electronics designers would concur.

It would be really great in Second Life.

Or in The Sims 4.
posted by flabdablet at 3:01 AM on April 25, 2021

If you need me I'll be in my silo.
posted by srboisvert at 3:33 AM on April 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

This house would give me the creeps. I would be constantly catching sight of every little leaf or twig that moved outside. And at night, all the reflections in the windows of yourself. Ugh, no.
posted by Orkney Vole at 4:32 AM on April 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

I hate tvs over fireplaces.

The problem, of course, is that fireplaces are traditionally designed and built as a room's focal point. But, as almost no one in interior design seems to be able to comprehend even today, the tv is always the defacto focal point in any room. Thus, you end up with tvs sitting over fireplaces, competing for attention.

The tv always wins, of course. Except for, maybe, xmas mornings and large parties, the fireplaces sit cold and unused, with a fancy brass hopper of beautiful decorative logs that will never be burned sitting inside.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:10 AM on April 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

Greg_Ace: No dishwasher nor pantry area that I can see. I'm out.

I found a dishwasher for you
posted by wats at 7:54 AM on April 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

About the rug in the kitchen - my first thought was, ew yuck, that would get so much crap spilled on it.

But then I thought, Maybe it's a moppable anti-fatigue mat disguised as a carpet - in which case, that's a brilliant idea. I always get sore feet after a marathon cooking session on our hard tile floor.
posted by jb at 8:12 AM on April 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

That property reminds me of the one in "Finding Alice". Both give off a really creepy vibe. I could never live in that house.
posted by james33 at 9:29 AM on April 25, 2021

Can we talk more about that creepy doll nook? That is definitely haunted.
posted by TwoStride at 9:45 AM on April 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

At least the body of water has a sufficiently macho name. Is it "big gunpowder" (like an impressive pile of the stuff) or just the largest of the various gunpowder falls in the region?
posted by maxwelton at 10:58 AM on April 25, 2021

I think it’s beautiful. All my Minecraft houses are mostly glass; i’d love to live in a glass house. But not in Monkton. I already lived in Monkton* twice, never again.

* 1) in a just-post-college group hybrid A frame 4 bd, 2 ba house that 1 roommates grandparents had built in the height of the 60s as a summer house. 7 20something artists & 13 dogs out in the woods, we had some legendary parties. 2) in a quite literally decaying farm cottage in a tiny historically black neighborhood. Bats in the walls, holes in the floors but a state park behind it. We were a young family with kids in school. Yet somehow nobody who actually Lived in Monkton was ever friendly in either situation.
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:11 AM on April 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

This is what happens when renovations should have stopped a long, long time ago, before the inevitable scope creep sets in. . “Mother, what do you say we put new siding on the barn and move into that, this house could be rented out for extra money we could use in our golden years”, “Why, Father, that sounds like a splendid idea now that the kids are all grown, but what about adding a few windows...”.
posted by waving at 1:50 PM on April 25, 2021

Buyer beware the listing where “constant” is listed as a notable feature of water pressure.

This house would make a fun fictional hobbit laboratory, honest-to-goodness roadside attraction, artisanal cannabis candy factory, motorcycle shop, or public library. As a house, I worry the intricacies of all the bells and whistles would get in the way of living well.

See also:
"Requiem for a Glass Heart" by Roxane Gay.
posted by abuckamoon at 4:24 PM on April 25, 2021

I want to flood it and fill it with sharks
posted by bigbigdog at 5:36 PM on April 25, 2021 [13 favorites]

We laugh at the fancy home automation, but can you imagine how much time it takes to closes all the blinds in this thing?

I was surprised to see you can see the neighbors house through the trees. In the summer it's probably all right, but I'd hate to be live there in the winter.
posted by WaterAndPixels at 8:25 PM on April 25, 2021

I'd hate to be live there in the winter.

I'd hate to pay the heating bill in the winter. Unless those windows are state of the art and top of the line that place is going to have wild drafts and be a nightmare for temp regulation
posted by srboisvert at 5:26 AM on April 26, 2021

It says it’s heated through a geothermal system, so it’s as cost effective as it gets. But even top of the line triple pane windows will not give you a high insulation factor (and will lose their efficiency over time). I hope they combined radiant floors + forced air.

It feels like it was built on a dare, like the city permits department went in and said : “you need to keep the hearts, the metal roof and the silo” and they assumed it would keep the house character...
posted by WaterAndPixels at 8:07 AM on April 26, 2021

Normally pulling comments (/tweets) is a no-go, but this made me chuckle and is on-brand for me-fi:

It looks like a house where everyone who lives there would be murdered. And judging by the fact that they arrange their books by color, they might have it coming.
posted by FirstMateKate at 9:16 AM on April 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

Wood floors. Carpets. Time. Sun bleach. (Wood and carpets)

I like the green house.
posted by BWA at 2:09 PM on April 27, 2021

They must close the blinds most of time otherwise everything will be toasted in a few years (most things aren't made to be left in direct sunlight all the time).
posted by WaterAndPixels at 8:34 PM on April 27, 2021

Our favorite house made the NYTimes today.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:38 AM on April 28, 2021 [1 favorite]