It's extremely boring, but at least it's not racist
February 2, 2022 10:44 AM Subscribe
After 87 years with its former name and two years as the Washington Football Team, the franchise announced Wednesday morning that its new name would be the Commanders. The team also unveiled its new logo and uniforms.
Well, that's just bad.
posted by Bee'sWing at 10:59 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Bee'sWing at 10:59 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I don't follow football, but good to hear.
Considering the money involved here... couldn't they have come up with some better mannequins to show off the new uniforms?
posted by SoberHighland at 11:00 AM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
Considering the money involved here... couldn't they have come up with some better mannequins to show off the new uniforms?
posted by SoberHighland at 11:00 AM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
Go Commies!
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:00 AM on February 2, 2022 [164 favorites]
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:00 AM on February 2, 2022 [164 favorites]
I’ll root for that.
posted by heyitsgogi at 11:01 AM on February 2, 2022
posted by heyitsgogi at 11:01 AM on February 2, 2022
Washington's leaders -- team president Jason Wright and coach Ron Rivera -- had stressed during the 20-month process that the franchise would like to incorporate the military because of its connection to the nation's capital.
If we can't name ourselves after the history of the genocide of the native people of this land one way, we'll find another way. I hate it here.
posted by bleep at 11:02 AM on February 2, 2022 [53 favorites]
If we can't name ourselves after the history of the genocide of the native people of this land one way, we'll find another way. I hate it here.
posted by bleep at 11:02 AM on February 2, 2022 [53 favorites]
I delight in hating the team so in that sense I guess it's good that the new name sucks, but seriously? I know that's not the best option they had, because Red Tails was right there.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:02 AM on February 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:02 AM on February 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
Department of Football was the correct choice, and it was not on the table.
posted by Going To Maine at 11:12 AM on February 2, 2022 [139 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 11:12 AM on February 2, 2022 [139 favorites]
The seal and "W" looks like corporate stationery logo.
posted by Liquidwolf at 11:16 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Liquidwolf at 11:16 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
The Trekkie in me suggests the Number Ones, but that's just tempting fate.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:19 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:19 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
They should’ve just stuck with “Football Team” forever. No dumber than naming your team after your socks.
posted by rikschell at 11:23 AM on February 2, 2022 [27 favorites]
posted by rikschell at 11:23 AM on February 2, 2022 [27 favorites]
because Red Tails was right there.
Well, yes, but red tails kind of sounds like a metaphor for the marks left after being kicked in the keister: "The Red Tails got spanked senseless in the first quarter." Probably bad for morale?
posted by mochapickle at 11:23 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Well, yes, but red tails kind of sounds like a metaphor for the marks left after being kicked in the keister: "The Red Tails got spanked senseless in the first quarter." Probably bad for morale?
posted by mochapickle at 11:23 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
OK fine. But I kinda wished they'd just kept it meta. What was wrong with The Washington Football Team?
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:24 AM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:24 AM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
It would have been a short walk from Red Tails to questionable mascot/fan makeup decisions.
Not the ownership group or fanbase you would want to trust with that.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:25 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Not the ownership group or fanbase you would want to trust with that.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:25 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Department of Football was the correct choice, and it was not on the table.
Either that or the Washington Bureau of Football - go Bureaucrats!
posted by logicpunk at 11:26 AM on February 2, 2022 [56 favorites]
Either that or the Washington Bureau of Football - go Bureaucrats!
posted by logicpunk at 11:26 AM on February 2, 2022 [56 favorites]
Well, yes, but red tails kind of sounds like a metaphor for the marks left after being kicked in the keister: "The Red Tails got spanked senseless in the first quarter." Probably bad for morale?
Counterpoint: The Washington Commies.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:26 AM on February 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
Counterpoint: The Washington Commies.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:26 AM on February 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
the franchise would like to incorporate the military because of its connection to the nation's capital.
Is the military what I'm supposed to think of when I think of "the nation's capital"?
posted by donpardo at 11:27 AM on February 2, 2022 [56 favorites]
Is the military what I'm supposed to think of when I think of "the nation's capital"?
posted by donpardo at 11:27 AM on February 2, 2022 [56 favorites]
Eh. Hearing people calling them "The Washington Football Team" was really starting to grow on me, in a Repo Man sort of way. Then again, I loved when someone proposed keeping the old name, but changing their mascot and logo to a bag of potatoes.
posted by Mchelly at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2022 [29 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2022 [29 favorites]
Chalk me up as another who liked 'Washington Football Team'. The fact that it's something of a brick joke did add to it's appeal, and the logo they were using had something of a retro-chic thing going on.
As for this new name, I think it's the worst since the 'Houston Texans.'
posted by Kikujiro's Summer at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
As for this new name, I think it's the worst since the 'Houston Texans.'
posted by Kikujiro's Summer at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
I always thought Washington Pigskins was the obvious pivot, people could still call their team "the skins". Fulfills the meta requirement people are mentioning here too because ultimately it would mean the Washington Footballs, which is the best.
posted by thebots at 11:29 AM on February 2, 2022 [18 favorites]
posted by thebots at 11:29 AM on February 2, 2022 [18 favorites]
It's been fun to watch this shitshow unfold over the last day or so. A search of "commanders" on Twitter shows that the team unwittingly unveiled the name ahead of time, with some unblurred promotional footage and by putting big displays right where an enterprising news helicopter could zoom in on them.
Lots noting the huge PR & marketing fail that couldn't foresee the nickname "Commies" given the name, red and yellow color scheme and DC presence. (Though I'd bet it was owner Dan Snyder overruling his team out of military sycophancy. More on that below.)
The best take, though, probably is from Joe Biden (and his Twitter team).
At one point this morning, the WaPo opened up a form for readers' opinion on the name, and traffic probably broke the page for a while. (I have a screenshot, but it's not live.)
On the serious side, the WaPo has a good if flawed commentary, which hits it on the head: "The cloak of the military in this country often is employed as a coverup for sins."
posted by martin q blank at 11:29 AM on February 2, 2022 [15 favorites]
Lots noting the huge PR & marketing fail that couldn't foresee the nickname "Commies" given the name, red and yellow color scheme and DC presence. (Though I'd bet it was owner Dan Snyder overruling his team out of military sycophancy. More on that below.)
The best take, though, probably is from Joe Biden (and his Twitter team).
At one point this morning, the WaPo opened up a form for readers' opinion on the name, and traffic probably broke the page for a while. (I have a screenshot, but it's not live.)
On the serious side, the WaPo has a good if flawed commentary, which hits it on the head: "The cloak of the military in this country often is employed as a coverup for sins."
posted by martin q blank at 11:29 AM on February 2, 2022 [15 favorites]
just as we still call DCA National Airport, they'll still be the 'Skins for a long, long time
I mean, DCA is officially "Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport", so "National" is still valid shorthand. I don't hear anyone still referring to the Bullets, even though there were plenty of "anti-PC" people acting as if that rename was a sign of the end times.
Racists gonna racism, so there'll be some people who never get over this. But with no one calling the team by its old name in broadcasts or mainstream articles, almost everyone is just going to accept it and move on with our lives.
posted by Riki tiki at 11:30 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I mean, DCA is officially "Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport", so "National" is still valid shorthand. I don't hear anyone still referring to the Bullets, even though there were plenty of "anti-PC" people acting as if that rename was a sign of the end times.
Racists gonna racism, so there'll be some people who never get over this. But with no one calling the team by its old name in broadcasts or mainstream articles, almost everyone is just going to accept it and move on with our lives.
posted by Riki tiki at 11:30 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Going Commander" was right there
posted by hangashore at 11:31 AM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by hangashore at 11:31 AM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
I think the team should have been named after a person strongly associated with the district, someone every America knows:
The Washington Washingtons.
posted by kerf at 11:33 AM on February 2, 2022 [24 favorites]
The Washington Washingtons.
posted by kerf at 11:33 AM on February 2, 2022 [24 favorites]
New names and uniforms always get slammed the first day they come out. This will grow on people and be embraced by the actual fans.
posted by chaz at 11:34 AM on February 2, 2022
posted by chaz at 11:34 AM on February 2, 2022
Well. Under His Eye, then.
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:34 AM on February 2, 2022 [17 favorites]
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:34 AM on February 2, 2022 [17 favorites]
If my knowledge of rank structure and chain of command is correct, this means they'll be taking orders from the Washington Generals.
posted by 7segment at 11:40 AM on February 2, 2022 [45 favorites]
posted by 7segment at 11:40 AM on February 2, 2022 [45 favorites]
If you're in charge of the Commanders would you be a Commander-er
posted by emjaybee at 11:40 AM on February 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 11:40 AM on February 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
Whew.
Replacing the stain of racism with militarism.
That's progress.
posted by nothing.especially.clever at 11:45 AM on February 2, 2022 [21 favorites]
Replacing the stain of racism with militarism.
That's progress.
posted by nothing.especially.clever at 11:45 AM on February 2, 2022 [21 favorites]
The Washington Unrepresented and Washington Taxed would also go well with the license plate
posted by Going To Maine at 11:46 AM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 11:46 AM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Fans will be filling the stadium, all going commando
posted by bigbigdog at 11:48 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by bigbigdog at 11:48 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Replacing the stain of racism with militarism.
Seen elsewhere online - the perfect nfl name: stolen valour, but make it management
posted by ominous_paws at 11:53 AM on February 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
Seen elsewhere online - the perfect nfl name: stolen valour, but make it management
posted by ominous_paws at 11:53 AM on February 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
First in war, first in peace, forever last in the NFC East
posted by thecaddy at 11:58 AM on February 2, 2022 [17 favorites]
posted by thecaddy at 11:58 AM on February 2, 2022 [17 favorites]
Washington Adams Morgan Jumbo Slices
Washington Chain Bridge Detours
Washington Smoking Metro Brakes
Washington Lisa Badens With Traffic On The Eights
Washington Casus Belli
Washington 930s
Washington 930 But Who Are These Bands
Washington Expensive Condos Next To The New Club By The 930 Guy But Still Who Are These Bands I Must Be Old
posted by credulous at 11:59 AM on February 2, 2022 [52 favorites]
Washington Chain Bridge Detours
Washington Smoking Metro Brakes
Washington Lisa Badens With Traffic On The Eights
Washington Casus Belli
Washington 930s
Washington 930 But Who Are These Bands
Washington Expensive Condos Next To The New Club By The 930 Guy But Still Who Are These Bands I Must Be Old
posted by credulous at 11:59 AM on February 2, 2022 [52 favorites]
Either that or the Washington Bureau of Football - go Bureaucrats!
I don't follow football. Was there already another team called the Insiders? Or the Monuments?
posted by snofoam at 12:02 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
I don't follow football. Was there already another team called the Insiders? Or the Monuments?
posted by snofoam at 12:02 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
WFT just became WTF. "The Giants have taken a commanding lead over the Commanders."
posted by kirkaracha at 12:03 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by kirkaracha at 12:03 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Washington's MLB (Nationals), NHL (Capitals), and NBA teams (Wizards (not a great name, but the old one was 'Bullets,' so...)) all have red-white-and-blue colors.
I wonder why the Commanders kept the maroon and gold instead of going full jingoistic.
(Also, the Washington Times, and they all wear Flavor Flav clocks.)
posted by box at 12:04 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
I wonder why the Commanders kept the maroon and gold instead of going full jingoistic.
(Also, the Washington Times, and they all wear Flavor Flav clocks.)
posted by box at 12:04 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
DCA is officially "Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport"
I never call it that because he fired striking air traffic controllers.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:07 PM on February 2, 2022 [13 favorites]
I never call it that because he fired striking air traffic controllers.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:07 PM on February 2, 2022 [13 favorites]
I wonder why the Commanders kept the maroon and gold instead of going full jingoistic.
I love the classic maroon and gold colors tho.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:08 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I love the classic maroon and gold colors tho.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:08 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Department of Football was the correct choice
Washington Secretaries
posted by Apocryphon at 12:14 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Washington Secretaries
posted by Apocryphon at 12:14 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
This enthusiastic poster was well done.
posted by Rumple at 12:16 PM on February 2, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by Rumple at 12:16 PM on February 2, 2022 [15 favorites]
Am I the only person whose mind went immediately to The Handmaid's Tale? Sure, let's name our team after characters from a well-known book and television series, characters prominently known for r*pe.
I think the team could have done better, on multiple levels.
posted by humbug at 12:22 PM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
I think the team could have done better, on multiple levels.
posted by humbug at 12:22 PM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
The Washington Lobbyists
posted by lathrop at 12:26 PM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by lathrop at 12:26 PM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
The Washington Ethics
posted by JanetLand at 12:29 PM on February 2, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 12:29 PM on February 2, 2022 [12 favorites]
Washington Deciders
posted by migurski at 12:36 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by migurski at 12:36 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
The Washington Elites
posted by BungaDunga at 12:40 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by BungaDunga at 12:40 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
The Washington Earmarks
The Washington Politics
The Washington Gridlock
The Washington Issues (Is there tackling or is this an out-of-touch football team?)
The Washington Generals, But In Football, Not the Globetrotters Ones
The Nuclear Footballers
(I feel like the Wizards was a missed opportunity to be the Court Supremes.)
posted by snofoam at 12:45 PM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
The Washington Politics
The Washington Gridlock
The Washington Issues (Is there tackling or is this an out-of-touch football team?)
The Washington Generals, But In Football, Not the Globetrotters Ones
The Nuclear Footballers
(I feel like the Wizards was a missed opportunity to be the Court Supremes.)
posted by snofoam at 12:45 PM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
I can't tell the difference. Isn't that still just "Washington Football Team"?
posted by Naberius at 12:48 PM on February 2, 2022
posted by Naberius at 12:48 PM on February 2, 2022
Beltway Bandits?
posted by Edward L at 1:01 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Edward L at 1:01 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
The WFT NFTs
posted by now i'm piste at 1:04 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by now i'm piste at 1:04 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
DCA is officially "Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport"
I never call it that because he fired striking air traffic controllers.
That, and the airport was renamed by the Republican-led Congress in 1998, over the objections of MWAA (who actually runs the airport) and just about every local politician. It's National or DCA to me.
posted by photo guy at 1:06 PM on February 2, 2022 [13 favorites]
I never call it that because he fired striking air traffic controllers.
That, and the airport was renamed by the Republican-led Congress in 1998, over the objections of MWAA (who actually runs the airport) and just about every local politician. It's National or DCA to me.
posted by photo guy at 1:06 PM on February 2, 2022 [13 favorites]
I think the team should have been named after a person strongly associated with the district, someone every America knows:
The Washington Washingtons.
Why not the Washington Georges?
posted by madcaptenor at 1:25 PM on February 2, 2022 [14 favorites]
The Washington Washingtons.
Why not the Washington Georges?
posted by madcaptenor at 1:25 PM on February 2, 2022 [14 favorites]
"The Washington Insurrection" -- too soon?
posted by briank at 1:27 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by briank at 1:27 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Washingtons George
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 1:33 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 1:33 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
More like Washingtons Georg
posted by Tknophobia at 1:37 PM on February 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by Tknophobia at 1:37 PM on February 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
Their new logo looks like a bank or credit union.
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:39 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:39 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Washington Troop-Lovers
Washington Honored Heroes of the Empire
Washington Thank You For Your Servicemen
Washington Recruiters
posted by JDHarper at 1:43 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
Washington Honored Heroes of the Empire
Washington Thank You For Your Servicemen
Washington Recruiters
posted by JDHarper at 1:43 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
The Washington Defence Contractors
posted by Ahmad Khani at 1:48 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Ahmad Khani at 1:48 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'm never going to be able to not think off this as Moses and the 10 Commanders.
Here's to hoping they draft/trade for a QB actually named Moses.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 2:04 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Here's to hoping they draft/trade for a QB actually named Moses.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 2:04 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
The Washington Unnamed Sources
The Washington Think Tanks ("Go Tankies!")
The Washington Cloture Motions
posted by theory at 2:09 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
The Washington Think Tanks ("Go Tankies!")
The Washington Cloture Motions
posted by theory at 2:09 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
The official name is settled, sure. Now begins the hunt for the team's nickname.
As others have pointed out, the obvious nicknames are THE COMMIES and THE DERS.
Other possibilities are the English teachers' choice, THE COMMAS; the Barry Manilow fans' choice, THE MANDYS; the litigators' choice, THE SLANDERS.
Me, I'm going to call them by a nickname inspired by a favorite poem of mine, an ode by Keats, which captures the essence of the sport's conflicts, values, flaws, and its innermost truths: THE FOOTY MCFOOTBALLY-GUYS WHAT PLAY THE FOOTBALLS FOOTBALLINGLY.
Soon to come: an internet wag will put a football helmet on the eponymous goose from the popular "Untitled Goose Game" and give us THE WASHINGTON GANDERS. It will be mildly amusing.
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 2:12 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
As others have pointed out, the obvious nicknames are THE COMMIES and THE DERS.
Other possibilities are the English teachers' choice, THE COMMAS; the Barry Manilow fans' choice, THE MANDYS; the litigators' choice, THE SLANDERS.
Me, I'm going to call them by a nickname inspired by a favorite poem of mine, an ode by Keats, which captures the essence of the sport's conflicts, values, flaws, and its innermost truths: THE FOOTY MCFOOTBALLY-GUYS WHAT PLAY THE FOOTBALLS FOOTBALLINGLY.
Soon to come: an internet wag will put a football helmet on the eponymous goose from the popular "Untitled Goose Game" and give us THE WASHINGTON GANDERS. It will be mildly amusing.
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 2:12 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
The Washington Pork Barrels
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:37 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:37 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
What was wrong with The Washington Football Team?
The genius of this is that arguments about the name are now going to be split 3 ways, also I feel like there is an unstated but implicit "if you guys keep complaining about the name we will pick something even dumber next year"
posted by Lanark at 2:40 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
The genius of this is that arguments about the name are now going to be split 3 ways, also I feel like there is an unstated but implicit "if you guys keep complaining about the name we will pick something even dumber next year"
posted by Lanark at 2:40 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Shoulda gone with the Fighting Whites!
posted by The Power Nap at 2:56 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by The Power Nap at 2:56 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Washington Wafflers
The Washingtones
Washington Committees
Washington Schmashington
Washingtons of Clothes
The DC Converters
posted by freecellwizard at 3:01 PM on February 2, 2022
The Washingtones
Washington Committees
Washington Schmashington
Washingtons of Clothes
The DC Converters
posted by freecellwizard at 3:01 PM on February 2, 2022
If everyone's a Commander, what happens when every player calls an audible simultaneously?
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:06 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:06 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Considering how byzantine and arbitrary American Football rules are, I think they're obviously missing some meta-gaming potential.
Like every team should have a slate of seven names including one self-deprecating "underdog" name and a "power" name that's really cool. At the beginning of each season, each team is required to pick a name from their slate which matches their expectations for the year, but it can't be one that's been recently used. Underdog names give a team the opportunity to go double-or-lose-everything on extra points, power names allow a team to take five downs instead of four on condition that games only count as a "win" if it's by more than seven points, and all the other names just increase the merchandising.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 3:07 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Like every team should have a slate of seven names including one self-deprecating "underdog" name and a "power" name that's really cool. At the beginning of each season, each team is required to pick a name from their slate which matches their expectations for the year, but it can't be one that's been recently used. Underdog names give a team the opportunity to go double-or-lose-everything on extra points, power names allow a team to take five downs instead of four on condition that games only count as a "win" if it's by more than seven points, and all the other names just increase the merchandising.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 3:07 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Military, hell. The most direct DC association with 'Commanders' is 'Commander in Chief' who is explicitly not military.
And given Dan Snyder’s devotion to Trump, and that Snyder was clearly hoping a Trump re-election would allow him to keep the name he was so reluctant to change, I’m inclined to see this name as sly homage to Trump.
posted by jamjam at 3:10 PM on February 2, 2022
And given Dan Snyder’s devotion to Trump, and that Snyder was clearly hoping a Trump re-election would allow him to keep the name he was so reluctant to change, I’m inclined to see this name as sly homage to Trump.
posted by jamjam at 3:10 PM on February 2, 2022
The Commies are the obvious choice, so obvious that anyone with any shred of marketing knowledge would be able to point to the inherent laziness of most English speakers and the fact that anything longer than two syllables will be immediately shortened to something easier to say (right, MeFi?).
But the best part, the thing that will continue to give as long as it exists, is that Dan Snyder is the one making the final decision, and there is no doubt in my mind that no matter how hard the marketing analysts he hired tried to dissuade him, Snyder had his corporate vacuum where a soul would be set on this. After all, it's about the troops (well, uh, the Navy, at least?), and to him connecting the team to the troops will make it impossible for anyone to say anything bad about the team, and have the added benefit of helping deflect ongoing stories of what a terrible fucking human being he is.
But, but wait, no, the best part, really, is that, going back to the obvious Commies nickname is that there is literally no sport more based on "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs" than football. All of the hyper-specialization makes this the perfect name. No more huddles, they shall be called the collective! No teammates, only comrades!
"Comrades, the wide receiver, with his speed and catching ability, he will benefit the team, let him fly!"
Comrades, the quarterback is weak and exposed, yet without him, our five yard plan will come to nothing. Let the offensive linemen lend their strength to his defense, so that he might help us all!"
And the uniforms are shit. Past the Commies stuff, a lot of what I saw was people comparing this (unfavorably) to the fake teams in Any Given Sunday, where the NFL refused to let them use NFL team names and jerseys.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:20 PM on February 2, 2022 [10 favorites]
But the best part, the thing that will continue to give as long as it exists, is that Dan Snyder is the one making the final decision, and there is no doubt in my mind that no matter how hard the marketing analysts he hired tried to dissuade him, Snyder had his corporate vacuum where a soul would be set on this. After all, it's about the troops (well, uh, the Navy, at least?), and to him connecting the team to the troops will make it impossible for anyone to say anything bad about the team, and have the added benefit of helping deflect ongoing stories of what a terrible fucking human being he is.
But, but wait, no, the best part, really, is that, going back to the obvious Commies nickname is that there is literally no sport more based on "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs" than football. All of the hyper-specialization makes this the perfect name. No more huddles, they shall be called the collective! No teammates, only comrades!
"Comrades, the wide receiver, with his speed and catching ability, he will benefit the team, let him fly!"
Comrades, the quarterback is weak and exposed, yet without him, our five yard plan will come to nothing. Let the offensive linemen lend their strength to his defense, so that he might help us all!"
And the uniforms are shit. Past the Commies stuff, a lot of what I saw was people comparing this (unfavorably) to the fake teams in Any Given Sunday, where the NFL refused to let them use NFL team names and jerseys.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:20 PM on February 2, 2022 [10 favorites]
Too close to Washington Commandos (Fairfax).
You want to go with scary animals associated with the region. I understand nutria are moving up the Delmarva. So - the Swamp Rats.
posted by BWA at 3:23 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
You want to go with scary animals associated with the region. I understand nutria are moving up the Delmarva. So - the Swamp Rats.
posted by BWA at 3:23 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
The Washington Washington
6’20”
Fuckin’ killing for fun
posted by Parasite Unseen at 3:48 PM on February 2, 2022 [14 favorites]
6’20”
Fuckin’ killing for fun
posted by Parasite Unseen at 3:48 PM on February 2, 2022 [14 favorites]
You know what might be good? The Washington Revolution. If a hockey team can be an avalanche, surely a football team can be a revolution... So, yeah. The fans could get all Revved up. The marketers could sell a whole wave of tshirts with big, bold lettering playing on REV: REVerential, REVelation, REVival.
Disclosure: I write this from Southern Colorado, where our minor league baseball team is called The Rocky Mountain Vibes and our mascot is a flaming s'more.
posted by mochapickle at 4:00 PM on February 2, 2022 [19 favorites]
Disclosure: I write this from Southern Colorado, where our minor league baseball team is called The Rocky Mountain Vibes and our mascot is a flaming s'more.
posted by mochapickle at 4:00 PM on February 2, 2022 [19 favorites]
The Revolution is already taken as a name, New England's MLS team is the Revs.
posted by Grandysaur at 4:20 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Grandysaur at 4:20 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
The sad part is that this, at the end of the day, is still a terrible football team owned by one of the worst human beings to ever own a professional sports franchise in every facet of the concept that matters, making it unlikely for them to ever win their division before the inevitable sale and name change, robbing us of the best possible booth exchange of all time:
Announcer 1: “And, as the clock runs out, Washington has done it, they have clinched their division!”
Announcer 2: (donning a Russian fur lined cap) “Yes, comrade! As the song goes, The (NFC) East is Red!”
posted by Ghidorah at 4:22 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Announcer 1: “And, as the clock runs out, Washington has done it, they have clinched their division!”
Announcer 2: (donning a Russian fur lined cap) “Yes, comrade! As the song goes, The (NFC) East is Red!”
posted by Ghidorah at 4:22 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
And I thought they were trolling everybody with Washington Football Team, which is infinitely preferable. Agreeing with HZSF, Red Tails was RIGHT THERE. They could have kept their old 'R' logo around, honored a storied African-American fighter squadron during Black History Month, and still had a military tie-in.
posted by aquanaut at 5:04 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by aquanaut at 5:04 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
Washington's leaders -- team president Jason Wright and coach Ron Rivera -- had stressed during the 20-month process that the franchise would like to incorporate the military because of its connection to the nation's capital.
I don't follow football or care about it, but I am a longtime resident and a keen student of DC culture, and the Skins/WFT have obviously played a big role in that over the decades. This is dull, joyless, and pro-forma, and seems designed to demonstrate that Dan Snyder lives on an estate in Potomac and neither knows about or cares to tie the future of the team to the city's past or local traditions.
posted by ryanshepard at 5:08 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I don't follow football or care about it, but I am a longtime resident and a keen student of DC culture, and the Skins/WFT have obviously played a big role in that over the decades. This is dull, joyless, and pro-forma, and seems designed to demonstrate that Dan Snyder lives on an estate in Potomac and neither knows about or cares to tie the future of the team to the city's past or local traditions.
posted by ryanshepard at 5:08 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
NPR's Glen Weldon on Twitter: Been in DC going on 30 years so I get to call them the Washington Salamanders.
(Commander Salamander was a landmark punk store in Georgetown in the 80s, when Georgetown was still somewhat edgy. It wasn't even the only punk store in Georgetown, but it was the biggest, and the longest enduring. They used to give you free badges when you went in; I still have a bunch.)
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:10 PM on February 2, 2022 [16 favorites]
(Commander Salamander was a landmark punk store in Georgetown in the 80s, when Georgetown was still somewhat edgy. It wasn't even the only punk store in Georgetown, but it was the biggest, and the longest enduring. They used to give you free badges when you went in; I still have a bunch.)
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:10 PM on February 2, 2022 [16 favorites]
Weird that "Commanders" doesn't scan as a drop-in replacement for the fight song, but "Commies" does.
Hail to the Commies!
Hail Victory!
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:21 PM on February 2, 2022
Hail to the Commies!
Hail Victory!
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:21 PM on February 2, 2022
They should have gone with Redhawks.
posted by MrGuilt at 5:35 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by MrGuilt at 5:35 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hail Victory!
This points out how their song now requires a modification, they're going to have to squish "to the" into one beat to sing "Hail to the Commanders" (and yes, humbug, I immediately thought of The Handmaid's Tale).
posted by Rash at 6:08 PM on February 2, 2022
This points out how their song now requires a modification, they're going to have to squish "to the" into one beat to sing "Hail to the Commanders" (and yes, humbug, I immediately thought of The Handmaid's Tale).
posted by Rash at 6:08 PM on February 2, 2022
It does seem like with the Commies thing, people are going to work in the red aspect back into the name somehow.
posted by Apocryphon at 7:05 PM on February 2, 2022
posted by Apocryphon at 7:05 PM on February 2, 2022
Cleveland fans applaud Washington for an even worse team name than the Guardians. Go Commies!
posted by greatalleycat at 7:13 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by greatalleycat at 7:13 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Picks up mic..I wanted them to be Washington The Fuckers. WFT! WFT! Go WFT!
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:00 PM on February 2, 2022
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:00 PM on February 2, 2022
The 495ers
posted by kurumi at 9:08 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by kurumi at 9:08 PM on February 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
The thing about all of the (much) better names people are floating about: in addition to being a moral cesspool of a human being, Dan Snyder is also just bad at business. Rather than anticipating and preparing for a possible name change, Snyder stuck to his guns, refusing to make any moves towards a change. So who does this pustule lose out to? A fucking trademark troll.
McCaulay said he's applied for so many trademarks in six years that he's lost count. A search for McCaulay's address on the United States Patent and Trademark Office website brings up 47 trademarks, including 14 abandoned requests, dating back to May 2, 2014. His requests range from the Washington Sharks and Pandas to the Warriors, Senators, Federals, Founders, Natives, Gladiators and even the Washington Football Club.
Snyder can’t use any of the top polling names because, as soon as the polling began happening, McCaulay started trademarking all of the most popular names, and then the middling ones, and finally all the shitty ones, so that Snyder literally had nothing left but his sycophantic troops-hump of a name.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:41 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
McCaulay said he's applied for so many trademarks in six years that he's lost count. A search for McCaulay's address on the United States Patent and Trademark Office website brings up 47 trademarks, including 14 abandoned requests, dating back to May 2, 2014. His requests range from the Washington Sharks and Pandas to the Warriors, Senators, Federals, Founders, Natives, Gladiators and even the Washington Football Club.
Snyder can’t use any of the top polling names because, as soon as the polling began happening, McCaulay started trademarking all of the most popular names, and then the middling ones, and finally all the shitty ones, so that Snyder literally had nothing left but his sycophantic troops-hump of a name.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:41 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
So who does this pustule lose out to? A fucking trademark troll.
Doesn't sound like a troll.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 9:59 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Doesn't sound like a troll.
"There are four of them that would make good replacement names if the football team wanted to use them," McCaulay said. "So I reached out to them on July 4 with an email subject line 'Free Trademarks' and I said you can have any of these trademarks for free."And this was public knowledge for years now.
...
McCaulay believes four of his trademarks are valuable to the Washington NFL team as they cover both clothing and a football team: Washington Americans, Washington Renegades, Washington Redtails and Washington Redhawks.
Published: 10:26 PM EDT July 13, 2020There was literally nothing stopping Snyder from obtaining one of those very popular options. Except spite, I suppose.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 9:59 PM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
New names and uniforms always get slammed the first day they come out.
I remember people absolutely hated Gritty at first.
I doubt the Commies will catch on as a nickname when the Comms is a whole syllable shorter.
posted by Merus at 10:56 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
I remember people absolutely hated Gritty at first.
I doubt the Commies will catch on as a nickname when the Comms is a whole syllable shorter.
posted by Merus at 10:56 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Washington fans won't call them the Commies. Fans of the other 31 teams will.
I'm also looking forward to Snyder photoshopped onto Michael Dukakis as the Tank Commander.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:01 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm also looking forward to Snyder photoshopped onto Michael Dukakis as the Tank Commander.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:01 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Now all we have to is change the Kansas City Chiefs to the Chefs,* Atlanta Braves to the Cowards,* and so on for er, looks like a few dozen more such examples, and we'll be done with this shameful chapter of our history.
In related news, I happened to be outside of Kansas City Chiefs stadium - "Arrowhead Stadium" just in case there was any doubt as to what type of "Chief" they are talking about in the name - for a few minutes at the start of last week's championship game.
I happened to see them doing the "Tomahawk Chop" via the stadium's giant screen TV - something I've managed to avoid for many years by avoiding all possible Chiefs games at all possible times.
(Somewhat difficult as the stadium is just a mile or so from our house, but I manage.)
Anyway, seeing the "Tomahawk Chop" live and in person finally, the cringe is very, very strong with that one. I haven't had a really visceral cringe reaction to anything for quite a long time, but I had one right then & there in the stadium parking lot, seeing X thousand people enthusiastically engaging in . . . that.
Really, what ARE they thinking?
Anyway, all we have is a few dozen more sports team names to change AND at least one more "tomahawk chop" to abolish, and THEN maybe we'll be done with this shameful chapter of our history . . .
Let's get cracking.
* Dumb as these examples are they are equal in quality to, or perhaps greater than, "The Commanders."
posted by flug at 11:12 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
In related news, I happened to be outside of Kansas City Chiefs stadium - "Arrowhead Stadium" just in case there was any doubt as to what type of "Chief" they are talking about in the name - for a few minutes at the start of last week's championship game.
I happened to see them doing the "Tomahawk Chop" via the stadium's giant screen TV - something I've managed to avoid for many years by avoiding all possible Chiefs games at all possible times.
(Somewhat difficult as the stadium is just a mile or so from our house, but I manage.)
Anyway, seeing the "Tomahawk Chop" live and in person finally, the cringe is very, very strong with that one. I haven't had a really visceral cringe reaction to anything for quite a long time, but I had one right then & there in the stadium parking lot, seeing X thousand people enthusiastically engaging in . . . that.
Really, what ARE they thinking?
Anyway, all we have is a few dozen more sports team names to change AND at least one more "tomahawk chop" to abolish, and THEN maybe we'll be done with this shameful chapter of our history . . .
Let's get cracking.
* Dumb as these examples are they are equal in quality to, or perhaps greater than, "The Commanders."
posted by flug at 11:12 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
change the Kansas City Chiefs to the Chefs
For some of us, that’s what we’ve been calling them since the 90s.
Also, I will brook no Gritty blaspheme. I’ve loved him since I first laid eyes on him. He is us, we are him.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:30 AM on February 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
For some of us, that’s what we’ve been calling them since the 90s.
Also, I will brook no Gritty blaspheme. I’ve loved him since I first laid eyes on him. He is us, we are him.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:30 AM on February 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Why not Wolves or Red Wolves?
posted by andreaazure at 3:33 AM on February 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by andreaazure at 3:33 AM on February 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Washington Commas
might help them leap to the front of the line when the NFL moves a team to England.
posted by box at 4:58 AM on February 3, 2022
might help them leap to the front of the line when the NFL moves a team to England.
posted by box at 4:58 AM on February 3, 2022
If they're willing to reconsider they can have my choice for free: the Washington Tax Collectors. Imagine the fear you'd strike in the hearts of your opponents
posted by dis_integration at 6:08 AM on February 3, 2022
posted by dis_integration at 6:08 AM on February 3, 2022
The Washington Wonks
posted by trillian at 7:43 AM on February 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by trillian at 7:43 AM on February 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
If everyone's a Commander, what happens when every player calls an audible simultaneously?
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!
posted by kirkaracha at 8:32 AM on February 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!
posted by kirkaracha at 8:32 AM on February 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
The 495ers
What, are you from California or something? It's the Beltway, and it doesn't even go through DC.
(The Washington Belters was evidently under consideration at one point, before someone very astutely pointed out that sounds more like Ethel Merman than Joe Gibbs.)
posted by basalganglia at 9:07 AM on February 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
What, are you from California or something? It's the Beltway, and it doesn't even go through DC.
(The Washington Belters was evidently under consideration at one point, before someone very astutely pointed out that sounds more like Ethel Merman than Joe Gibbs.)
posted by basalganglia at 9:07 AM on February 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
(Commander Salamander was a landmark punk store in Georgetown in the 80s, when Georgetown was still somewhat edgy. It wasn't even the only punk store in Georgetown, but it was the biggest, and the longest enduring. They used to give you free badges when you went in; I still have a bunch
Oh wow. I thought I was the only one who remembered this place. I was in DC in 1991 or 1990 for French class field trip. We stopped in this place after we had lunch at a French restaurant. I had a pin, but have lost track where I put it.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 9:42 AM on February 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Oh wow. I thought I was the only one who remembered this place. I was in DC in 1991 or 1990 for French class field trip. We stopped in this place after we had lunch at a French restaurant. I had a pin, but have lost track where I put it.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 9:42 AM on February 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Commander Salamander! I used to take the metro to Rosslyn or Foggy Bottom and walk to Georgetown at least one Saturday a month, picking up NMEs and Melody Maker and new record imports, and Commander Salamander was on my regular circuit.
posted by tavella at 10:01 AM on February 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by tavella at 10:01 AM on February 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Was the French restaurant Au Pied de Cochon? Another fond Georgetown memory, for when you really wanted French food at 3am.
posted by tavella at 10:03 AM on February 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by tavella at 10:03 AM on February 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Was the French restaurant Au Pied de Cochon?
Probably. I recall very few details about that trip.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 12:11 PM on February 3, 2022
Probably. I recall very few details about that trip.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 12:11 PM on February 3, 2022
"The 495ers" - kurumi
Sadly, less unique than you'd think.
----
"The Washington Grifters." - Drewstre
Only if we can get Gina Bellman involved....
----
"You want to go with scary animals associated with the region. I understand nutria are moving up the Delmarva. So - the Swamp Rats." - BWA
That made me think of Francis Marion, so I almost suggested the Swamp Foxes, but then checked his wikipedia page, and immediately thought, "No, that's making it worse in multiple directions."
posted by Mutant Lobsters from Riverhead at 3:08 PM on February 3, 2022
Sadly, less unique than you'd think.
----
"The Washington Grifters." - Drewstre
Only if we can get Gina Bellman involved....
----
"You want to go with scary animals associated with the region. I understand nutria are moving up the Delmarva. So - the Swamp Rats." - BWA
That made me think of Francis Marion, so I almost suggested the Swamp Foxes, but then checked his wikipedia page, and immediately thought, "No, that's making it worse in multiple directions."
posted by Mutant Lobsters from Riverhead at 3:08 PM on February 3, 2022
This points out how their song now requires a modification, they're going to have to squish "to the" into one beat to sing "Hail to the Commanders"
"Hail the Commanders" would seem to be a suitable adjustment.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 4:40 PM on February 3, 2022
"Hail the Commanders" would seem to be a suitable adjustment.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 4:40 PM on February 3, 2022
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posted by Rash at 10:56 AM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]