It Scared My Toddler
October 12, 2015 8:14 AM Subscribe
In reality the Washington D.C. football team has a racist name, an asshole owner, and ruined one of the most promising rookie quarterbacks to ever play in the league. Jon Bois uses Breaking Madden to get fictional revenge by burning Washington to the ground.
The incomparable Jon Bois previously: The Slow Death of the NBA: 2, The Bill Belicheck Offseason Simulator, A Eulogy for Radioshack, Breaking Madden: 2, The CFL Chronicles of Tim Tebow, The Slow Death of the NBA: 1, The 76ers Go 0-82, Greg Schiano saves the Bucs.
The incomparable Jon Bois previously: The Slow Death of the NBA: 2, The Bill Belicheck Offseason Simulator, A Eulogy for Radioshack, Breaking Madden: 2, The CFL Chronicles of Tim Tebow, The Slow Death of the NBA: 1, The 76ers Go 0-82, Greg Schiano saves the Bucs.
Jon Bois is the man. His "Slow Death of the NBA" piece was pure gold. I love his writing.
posted by glaucon at 8:24 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by glaucon at 8:24 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh my god the complaining in-game tweets are solid fucking gold.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:28 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 8:28 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh my god the complaining in-game tweets are solid fucking gold.
My favorite part of that was imagining the intern / junior programmer responsible for creating this meaningless, poorly implemented minigame that most people will likely ignore, mock, or hate.
posted by codacorolla at 8:29 AM on October 12, 2015
My favorite part of that was imagining the intern / junior programmer responsible for creating this meaningless, poorly implemented minigame that most people will likely ignore, mock, or hate.
posted by codacorolla at 8:29 AM on October 12, 2015
The Internet did not make us dumb and unhappy. We were always like this.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 8:38 AM on October 12, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by the man of twists and turns at 8:38 AM on October 12, 2015 [14 favorites]
#greed
posted by griphus at 8:43 AM on October 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by griphus at 8:43 AM on October 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
I realize that the Constitution outlaws Bills of Attainder for some very good reasons, but I kind of wish it was possible to declare Dan Snyder a hate crime.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:48 AM on October 12, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:48 AM on October 12, 2015 [10 favorites]
Such hilariously great writing in this:
I know this person. You probably know this person. It's your high school friend who's carpet-bombing your Facebook feed because they charged a gratuity at the Bennigan's. It's everyone who photographs the name written on their cup of coffee, which they ignorantly misspelled as "Megan" instead of "Mheeeeeehehuggg'eeaahahghgho'ho';hheeahgnn" or whatever. It's the sportswriters who publicly tweet-blast Delta because their magical flying machine was delayed for safety reasons so they would not die. The Internet did not make us dumb and unhappy. We were always like this.
Also, feel free to bask in the artificial glow of a world in which the NFL's #greed is limited to jacking up peanuts a couple bucks, rather than wrangling hundreds of millions from cash-starved governments and leaving inner-city kids to eat ketchup for lunch.
Bravo, Mr. Bois, bravo.
posted by longdaysjourney at 8:50 AM on October 12, 2015 [27 favorites]
I know this person. You probably know this person. It's your high school friend who's carpet-bombing your Facebook feed because they charged a gratuity at the Bennigan's. It's everyone who photographs the name written on their cup of coffee, which they ignorantly misspelled as "Megan" instead of "Mheeeeeehehuggg'eeaahahghgho'ho';hheeahgnn" or whatever. It's the sportswriters who publicly tweet-blast Delta because their magical flying machine was delayed for safety reasons so they would not die. The Internet did not make us dumb and unhappy. We were always like this.
Also, feel free to bask in the artificial glow of a world in which the NFL's #greed is limited to jacking up peanuts a couple bucks, rather than wrangling hundreds of millions from cash-starved governments and leaving inner-city kids to eat ketchup for lunch.
Bravo, Mr. Bois, bravo.
posted by longdaysjourney at 8:50 AM on October 12, 2015 [27 favorites]
The r*****s are a DC team in name only.
Apart from our idiot mayor's attempts to lure the team back into the district (why?! how!?), the team has virtually no substantial connection to my home.
Thank god for that.
posted by schmod at 8:58 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Apart from our idiot mayor's attempts to lure the team back into the district (why?! how!?), the team has virtually no substantial connection to my home.
Thank god for that.
posted by schmod at 8:58 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you haven't read the accompanying Roster Cuts piece, it's great too.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:06 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 9:06 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
As a Cowboys fan, I approve of this post.
posted by LizBoBiz at 9:06 AM on October 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by LizBoBiz at 9:06 AM on October 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
The thing is, they USED to be a DC team, you know? The players lived here and worked here and appeared in local commercials. Even during their worst seasons, it was still a point of pride to support the team. Now . . . I don't know. I think a lot of it has to do with Dan Snyder's intransigence on . . . well, everything . . . but especially on changing the name. He's burnt up a lot of good will.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:07 AM on October 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:07 AM on October 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
But as long as I'm in Franchise mode, then hell, I might as well make life miserable for the e-people of Landover. As you can see above, I've cranked up all the prices as high as the game would let me. What's that yellow dash? Is that an indicator light that indicates "yield"? Is it a minus sign? What is it supposed to communicate? Who gives a shit? Not the people who made this game, and least of all me! I'm just gonna ignore it and price-gouge these assholes into the stratosphere all season long.
That's actually the Washington business model though, this part isn't even ironic.
The r*****s are a DC team in name only.
At this point most of the fanbase is based in Falls Church, Reston, Fairfax and the VA exurb counties towards Manassas and beyond. Not coincidentally overlapping with the Republican voting districts in Northern Virginia. It's becoming rare to see overt football fandom inside DC proper (outside of maybe Georgetown).
posted by T.D. Strange at 9:21 AM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
That's actually the Washington business model though, this part isn't even ironic.
The r*****s are a DC team in name only.
At this point most of the fanbase is based in Falls Church, Reston, Fairfax and the VA exurb counties towards Manassas and beyond. Not coincidentally overlapping with the Republican voting districts in Northern Virginia. It's becoming rare to see overt football fandom inside DC proper (outside of maybe Georgetown).
posted by T.D. Strange at 9:21 AM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's becoming rare to see overt football fandom inside DC proper (outside of maybe Georgetown).
Did that spike up (and then down) at all with Griffin's visibility?
posted by Etrigan at 9:33 AM on October 12, 2015
Did that spike up (and then down) at all with Griffin's visibility?
posted by Etrigan at 9:33 AM on October 12, 2015
MetaFilter: It will not be different, because Electronic Arts is a very small company that cannot afford to fix bugs.
posted by Smart Dalek at 9:46 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Smart Dalek at 9:46 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
In reality the Washington D.C. football team has a racist name
"I don't find it offensive. Native American tribes generally don't find it offensive." -Donald Trump
posted by homunculus at 9:51 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I don't find it offensive. Native American tribes generally don't find it offensive." -Donald Trump
posted by homunculus at 9:51 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Did that spike up (and then down) at all with Griffin's visibility?
For sure. RG3s rookie year was peak bandwagon, and the whole city was on board. But now the team's visibility seems to have returned to about what it was during the late Gibbs 2 and Zorn eras, which was low, clearly behind that of the Nationals, who you see represented everywhere. The team is better on the field than it was during those years, but the fan support is battered. You don't see big groups of Washington fans at most sports bars on Sunday, more likely an isolated pocket half watching the game and half watching redzone, and if you talk to them most of their hearts don't even seem in it.
Anecdotally of course. I'm sure you can find diehards still, I'd suggest starting at Buffalo Billiards. But I'd also be pretty interested to see if they actually reside in the District, rather than drove in from Northern Virginia.
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:06 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
For sure. RG3s rookie year was peak bandwagon, and the whole city was on board. But now the team's visibility seems to have returned to about what it was during the late Gibbs 2 and Zorn eras, which was low, clearly behind that of the Nationals, who you see represented everywhere. The team is better on the field than it was during those years, but the fan support is battered. You don't see big groups of Washington fans at most sports bars on Sunday, more likely an isolated pocket half watching the game and half watching redzone, and if you talk to them most of their hearts don't even seem in it.
Anecdotally of course. I'm sure you can find diehards still, I'd suggest starting at Buffalo Billiards. But I'd also be pretty interested to see if they actually reside in the District, rather than drove in from Northern Virginia.
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:06 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a Cowboys fan, I approve of this post
This Giants fan agrees.
posted by jonmc at 10:07 AM on October 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
This Giants fan agrees.
posted by jonmc at 10:07 AM on October 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
@Redskins I'm starting a blog after paying too much for Fries.
Is Fries a food? A player? Is @wash7865 actually the team owner, bitter about his draft picks? This is some complex shit here. Which explains why a blog is necessary, rather than a Tumblr or a meme swipe reposted to Facebook.
posted by ardgedee at 10:13 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is Fries a food? A player? Is @wash7865 actually the team owner, bitter about his draft picks? This is some complex shit here. Which explains why a blog is necessary, rather than a Tumblr or a meme swipe reposted to Facebook.
posted by ardgedee at 10:13 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
In sort-of-related depressing-reality-news, Jeb Bush made a crack that he was more offended by the word “Washington” than the word “Redskins”.
posted by Going To Maine at 10:14 AM on October 12, 2015
posted by Going To Maine at 10:14 AM on October 12, 2015
I hope I never meet Jon Bois in person, because I would completely embarrass myself by jumping up and down like a four year old, making "squeee" noises.
No-one needs to see that.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:15 AM on October 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
No-one needs to see that.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:15 AM on October 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
@Redskins I'm starting a blog after paying too much for Fries
With EA, I'd almost expect something like
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:21 AM on October 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
With EA, I'd almost expect something like
@Redskins I'm starting a blog after paying too much for Fries| Soft Pretzel| Soda| Tickets to show up on screen.posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:21 AM on October 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
Please pay $8.95 to unlock "Cussing Tweets" DLC.
posted by griphus at 10:22 AM on October 12, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by griphus at 10:22 AM on October 12, 2015 [12 favorites]
The joke there is that EA would never have DLC that was so obviously worth it.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:03 AM on October 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:03 AM on October 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
But think of the cash-in they could have with a "Fire Snyder" DLC...
posted by frimble at 11:05 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by frimble at 11:05 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
If anyone is in New York, Jon is giving a talk tonight.
posted by creade at 11:32 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by creade at 11:32 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sad that BEEFTANK didn't make an appearance.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:49 PM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:49 PM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't want to go to the well too often.
Or the well will dry up and you have to drink milks.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 12:58 PM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
Or the well will dry up and you have to drink milks.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 12:58 PM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
If anyone is in New York, Jon is giving a talk tonight.
That had me going "I am? Where?" for a moment.
posted by jonmc at 1:00 PM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
That had me going "I am? Where?" for a moment.
posted by jonmc at 1:00 PM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
Such a wonderful gift to the Internet on Indigenous Peoples' Day!
posted by tonycpsu at 2:23 PM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by tonycpsu at 2:23 PM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's becoming rare to see overt football fandom inside DC proper (outside of maybe Georgetown).
posted by T.D. Strange at 12:21 PM on October 12 [2 favorites +] [!]
This is clearly not the case down here in SW DC. Overt Washington Department of Football Services (my fave replacement name) fandom is alive and well down here.
posted by Thistledown at 2:56 PM on October 12, 2015
posted by T.D. Strange at 12:21 PM on October 12 [2 favorites +] [!]
This is clearly not the case down here in SW DC. Overt Washington Department of Football Services (my fave replacement name) fandom is alive and well down here.
posted by Thistledown at 2:56 PM on October 12, 2015
All of the Washington Football Team fans I know grew up in the Ravens-less years in various Maryland suburbs of DC (well, one grew up in North Carolina - I don't know how to account for that), and they got grandfathered in even after the Ravens arrived in the 90s.
posted by codacorolla at 3:46 PM on October 12, 2015
posted by codacorolla at 3:46 PM on October 12, 2015
Yeah the issue is pretty contentious for a lot of black DC fans I know. They LOVE the Skins, and hate being lectured about being racist by white people. So my approach to it (had a long convo with a diehard fan this weekend so it's on my mind) is "I just think they should change the name. It's 2015. Some people hate it. So let's change it. I was born and raised in the DMV worshipping Joes Gibbs and Theisman. So my vote counts. Disagree if you want but you can't discount my vote."
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:49 PM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:49 PM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
From the comments, "Red Sinks" is a glorious alternative to the name. It even evokes the mild dyslexia that has plagued the decisions of that franchise.
posted by lmfsilva at 5:05 PM on October 12, 2015
posted by lmfsilva at 5:05 PM on October 12, 2015
Red Skinks would be even better. Think of the adorable mascot!
posted by Biblio at 6:37 PM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Biblio at 6:37 PM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is clearly not the case down here in SW DC.
Yeah the issue is pretty contentious for a lot of black DC fans I know. They LOVE the Skins, and hate being lectured about being racist by white people.
I can believe this, I don't have much occasion to venture over to SW. My anecdotal report is limited to NW and Nova, and occasionally NE.
posted by T.D. Strange at 7:06 PM on October 12, 2015
Yeah the issue is pretty contentious for a lot of black DC fans I know. They LOVE the Skins, and hate being lectured about being racist by white people.
I can believe this, I don't have much occasion to venture over to SW. My anecdotal report is limited to NW and Nova, and occasionally NE.
posted by T.D. Strange at 7:06 PM on October 12, 2015
These Nazis marching to keep the Redskins white looks like it came from an alt-universe. But it didn't. From That Time Nazis Marched to "Keep Redskins White" Mother Jones. Possibly linked before.
posted by PHINC at 7:23 PM on October 12, 2015
posted by PHINC at 7:23 PM on October 12, 2015
Meanwhile in California, the use of the name "Redskins" has been banned from public schools.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:54 PM on October 12, 2015
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:54 PM on October 12, 2015
Going To Maine: "In sort-of-related depressing-reality-news, Jeb Bush made a crack that he was more offended by the word “Washington” than the word “Redskins”.
Well, yeah. Washington doesn't exist . If you want to respect the residents of the District of Columbia, you should call their home by the correct name.
Wait. That's not what he was referring to? FFS.
posted by schmod at 7:02 AM on October 13, 2015
Well, yeah. Washington doesn't exist . If you want to respect the residents of the District of Columbia, you should call their home by the correct name.
Wait. That's not what he was referring to? FFS.
posted by schmod at 7:02 AM on October 13, 2015
As if we need more evidence that Snyder's an asshole: Book Excerpt: Daniel Snyder and the Unreal Power of NFL Owners
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:37 PM on October 13, 2015
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:37 PM on October 13, 2015
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(And of course the idiots in the comments acting exactly as Jon predicted.)
posted by kmz at 8:20 AM on October 12, 2015