The newest in encabulation technology
September 17, 2022 11:31 AM   Subscribe

Hot on the heels, only a 11 years after the creation of the retro encabulator (a follow up to the wildly successful turbo encabulator), comes the hyper encabulator for all your cyber security needs. (Featuring Mike Kraft again, explaining the benefits of the new model.) posted by Hactar (33 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite
Those first two should get an Oscar award, preferably in a one-time-only made-up category, never to be issued again under any circumstances.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 11:42 AM on September 17 [2 favorites]

SANS has done a lot of good things in the tech world, but sponsoring and presenting further developments in encabulation is clearly one of the capstones, there.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:19 PM on September 17 [3 favorites]

Manumitting colonic effluvium expulsion and audible gaseous eructations in such a way as to perfuse osculating segmentation use cases reprehenses a level of vegemitic technorrheal vaudurility hitherto conflated indefatigable.

That said, I understand COVID has caused issues in the nangling pin supply chain that could extirpate commensural adversibility of the Very Large Encabulator to 1Q 2038.
posted by flabdablet at 12:55 PM on September 17 [6 favorites]

I encabulated my Splunk on Datadog, but that put the Splatoon control plane into a tarpit. I flensed the Kafka writers and applied the Splingee nomenclation but I still can’t injunct semians on the edge shard. Could a hyperencabulator stringify my meretrics without loss of auscultation?
posted by sixswitch at 1:37 PM on September 17 [4 favorites]

Should have said, I’m running Sybian V2 but the beta kappa mu version of the window mangler.
posted by sixswitch at 1:40 PM on September 17 [4 favorites]

I'm reminded of the old aphorism "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit".
posted by tommasz at 2:28 PM on September 17 [1 favorite]

We've certainly come long way from the time when you needed to get the blamfs to rub against the chumbles before the plubis and grumbo were shaved away.

Oh, shit, wait! My confusion. That's a plumbus. Never mind.
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 2:52 PM on September 17 [4 favorites]

I’m looking forward to the new cringulated nangling pins.
posted by Fleebnork at 3:22 PM on September 17 [2 favorites]

Be careful with those, Fleebnork, I read that the sublime chain got spearphished
posted by sixswitch at 4:10 PM on September 17 [2 favorites]

Is this something that I'd need to be having a stroke to understand?
posted by Hardcore Poser at 4:15 PM on September 17 [7 favorites]

Even Harp00nage is supposed to be effective on those new cringulated nangling pins. Let alone spearfi$h. Never be a first adopter with new encabulation tech.
posted by Windopaene at 4:21 PM on September 17 [2 favorites]

Haha spoken like someone who sidegraded from the retrospact.
posted by sixswitch at 4:23 PM on September 17 [3 favorites]

I lost it at "The Battle of Hastings".
posted by dfm500 at 4:37 PM on September 17 [3 favorites]

Could a hyperencabulator stringify my meretrics without loss of auscultation?

Yes it could, as long as hermeneutic (i.e. non-sinusoidal) depleneration in your Kubernetes deployment pipeline is kept below 0.3dB (z-weighted).
posted by flabdablet at 11:44 PM on September 17 [2 favorites]

My son is 10 weeks old—just days older than the Hyper Encabulator. My wife and I are thrilled to report that he’s already encabulating well past the tarble entraptial rate of his entire cohort. Couldn’t be more proud.
posted by The Potate at 11:44 PM on September 17 [6 favorites]

Brilliantly done. He should do this live on stage at a blackhat conference.... He'd get a standing ovation for sure.
posted by DreamerFi at 3:28 AM on September 18

Strongly seconded! Not a lot of 10 week olds have presented at Blackhat, so he'd go over a treat.
posted by flabdablet at 5:17 AM on September 18 [3 favorites]

I saw the old Tempest video game, as well as the animation from the Star Wars trench run. Noice.

The folks at SANS have a very serious role -- cybersecurity training and education -- but I'm glad they still have enough perspective to realize that some of their language sounds like a fifth grader bullshitting his way through a forgotten book report.
posted by wenestvedt at 5:40 AM on September 18

Be careful with those, Fleebnork, I read that the sublime chain got spearphished

It’s fine, the nangulation compensator prevents oversplebitation.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:50 AM on September 18

I just can't see the point of them.

If I'm reading the white paper correctly, cringulation was introduced purely to exfiltrate mandiblicity and should not deliquesce the propinquity of nangling after the pins are interpolated. But if we now need a whole new compensator just to maintain splebitation at levels within the cromulatory guidelines, how are we better off?

I certainly won't be reglifying cringulated pins at any of my sites as long as aftermarket and NOS vendors can still supply the plain ones.
posted by flabdablet at 8:17 AM on September 18 [4 favorites]

Have you ever wondered what you'd get if you fed some of this into a text-generating A.I. like GPT-NeoX? I have. You'd get something like this:

Included are two custom modules that make a mockery of standard protocol analysis techniques. The retrofitted encabulator inverts itself with regard to an inscrutable and enigmatic nature which causes it to remain opaque from the onset of host extraction all the tsunami waves of retrofitted-nurtified-nurur-purrfied data as it's transmitted off from the infected device(s).

We use an infinite array matrix algebra and have a fully functional, open secret algorithmically determined, retrofit-ready, unassailable hyper computer (HC) capable of the impossible at mindbending speeds; an algorithm that takes as inputs the whole infinite array model/matrix from the matrix to its transpositional inverse. What this HC/matrix does on the fly to determine what to put over the next door while the neighbors get a look in is truly awesome.

posted by The Half Language Plant at 10:26 AM on September 18 [1 favorite]

Mike Kraft seems to have turned into Jonathan Frakes, which makes me wish retroactively that they'd had Frakes do one of these on set during ST:TNG (call it the Warp Encabulator). Then they could have him a new one on the ST:Picard set.

But then I think about that idea a bit and realize that ST is already full of almost-meaningful technobabble and I'm not sure what the difference would be.
posted by fedward at 11:31 AM on September 18

It only takes a tiny amount of side fumbling in the pentametric fans to make little sparks start jumping off the warp drives, so I imagine Starfleet's ambifacient lunar waneshafts would need to be fitted with more hydrocoptic marzelvanes than the six usually employed for industrial applications.
posted by flabdablet at 1:21 PM on September 18

My dingle arm had a coniption fit trying to open the soc drawer while leaving me wondering which metaphor got mangled first...but I regress. Brilliant, or something.
posted by blue shadows at 2:42 PM on September 18 [1 favorite]

My dingle arm

And for years I’ve been (mis)spelling it “dingel.”
posted by The Potate at 3:42 PM on September 18

MetaFilter: tsunami waves of retrofitted-nurtified-nurur-purrfied data.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:21 PM on September 18

Thanks flabdablet, I never realized it but I was born during one of the “dark ages” of encabulation that the video talks about and it’s wild to have this whole technique and field open up in front of me as an adult.
posted by sixswitch at 8:40 PM on September 18 [1 favorite]

I was lucky enough to get my start with it fairly early on, before flasmitics overshadowed it to anything like the extent it has today. I'm really happy to see another generation showing an interest because I think it's always been a technology with a tremendous amount to offer despite the obvious potential for abuse.
posted by flabdablet at 6:12 AM on September 19 [2 favorites]

Hyper Encabulator? No thank you. I'll stick with my decades old Interocitor, which still works just fine!

(Also, I love how they mixed Star Trek, 2001, and Star Wars graphics on the Encabulator's main display.)
posted by jabah at 7:59 AM on September 19 [1 favorite]

flabdablet: But if we now need a whole new compensator just to maintain splebitation at levels within the cromulatory guidelines, how are we better off?

Duh: IPv6, grandpa.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:01 PM on September 19

Hyper Encabulator? No thank you. I'll stick with my decades old Interocitor, which still works just fine!

It's all about picking the right tool for the job. Trying to encabulate with an interocitor will get you nowhere. You might as well try to interocit with an oscillation overthruster.

IPv6, grandpa.

It's only Rockwell's proprietary pin drivers that require cringulation for v6. This is nothing more than a transparent attempt at vendor lock-in. A reverse engineered open source driver that doesn't need them has been in mainline since 2019, and SANS machines no longer ship with Rockwell's drivers.
posted by flabdablet at 1:49 AM on September 20

flabdablet, the maintainer of that driver has pulled a Hinksman. There’s a fourchette — that’s a regular cherry-picked fork but with a stompbox — available through bacchanals, but it’s really crying out for an encabulation-friendly cleanroom rewrite in Rust.
posted by sixswitch at 8:15 PM on September 23 [1 favorite]

Fuck. I hate the upgrade treadmill.

I wonder how many shops are going to end up refurbishing with cringulated nangling pins for no better reason than that doing so seems like the path of least reluctance. Ours probably would, but I can't say I share Fleebnork's excitement at the prospect.
posted by flabdablet at 11:07 PM on September 23 [2 favorites]

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