Were you a ‘parentified child’?
September 23, 2022 3:58 AM Subscribe
Content warning: emotional abuse. The parentified child who supports the parent often incurs a cost to her own psychic stability and development. The phenomenon has little to do with parental love, and much more to do with the personal and structural circumstances that stop parents from attending to the immense anxiety and burden that a child may be experiencing on their behalf. The parent is often unable to see that their child is taking responsibility for maintaining the peace in the family, for protecting one parent from the other, for being their friend and therapist, for mediating between the parents and the outside world, for parenting the siblings, and sometimes for the medical, social and economic stability of the household. A long read from Nivida Chandra, a psychologist and research scholar specializing in the emotional abuse of children in India.
...These narratives of parentification, revealed during my interviews, opened a window to my own psyche too. I also came from a good home, a loving family, with no apparent reason for the unhappiness that I felt nor the unhealthy relationships I found myself in. Having resolved familial interpersonal conflict my entire childhood, was I, too, parentified?
After I decided to pursue my doctoral studies in this field, I remember my doctoral committee questioning the applicability of this “western” concept to Indian family systems; they cautioned me to remain wary of imposing pathological concepts on the “normal” systems found here. I felt – due to my accidental discovery and personal experiences – that perhaps normal family systems were being confused with acceptable parental practices. I decided to stay my course, and chose to study these “normal” urban Indian families with two available parents, sufficient financial stability, no obvious or diagnosed parental illness, or any other condition that would cause the child to play the adult sooner than her friends.
Please note: Please refrain from culture bashing or stereotypes. Let us discuss what can be a fraught topic based on our own experiences whatever our culture and/or add comments thoughtfully. Thank you.
...These narratives of parentification, revealed during my interviews, opened a window to my own psyche too. I also came from a good home, a loving family, with no apparent reason for the unhappiness that I felt nor the unhealthy relationships I found myself in. Having resolved familial interpersonal conflict my entire childhood, was I, too, parentified?
After I decided to pursue my doctoral studies in this field, I remember my doctoral committee questioning the applicability of this “western” concept to Indian family systems; they cautioned me to remain wary of imposing pathological concepts on the “normal” systems found here. I felt – due to my accidental discovery and personal experiences – that perhaps normal family systems were being confused with acceptable parental practices. I decided to stay my course, and chose to study these “normal” urban Indian families with two available parents, sufficient financial stability, no obvious or diagnosed parental illness, or any other condition that would cause the child to play the adult sooner than her friends.
Please note: Please refrain from culture bashing or stereotypes. Let us discuss what can be a fraught topic based on our own experiences whatever our culture and/or add comments thoughtfully. Thank you.
that perhaps normal family systems were being confused with acceptable parental practices
Ding ding ding
posted by cendawanita at 5:00 AM on September 23, 2022 [17 favorites]
Ding ding ding
posted by cendawanita at 5:00 AM on September 23, 2022 [17 favorites]
Several of my clearest childhood memories of my mother are moments where she was trying to parentify me. I think she would have done it even harder except I was frankly horrendously bad at being parentified -- instead of stepping up, I withdrew and hid.
So yes, a lot of this hit home. Thanks for posting it; I have some things to think about.
posted by humbug at 5:25 AM on September 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
So yes, a lot of this hit home. Thanks for posting it; I have some things to think about.
posted by humbug at 5:25 AM on September 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
Someone else here who was not parentified, and am particularly interested in it maybe being, not exactly a prerequisite for being a therapist, but common (if not endemic) to the profession, since that was what I originally intended to be when I went off to college, but was dissuaded from doing so. Maybe I dodged a bullet there.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:31 AM on September 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:31 AM on September 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
that perhaps normal family systems were being confused with acceptable parental practicesHave not yet looked at TFA, and this is my first encounter with the term "parentified" so no real thoughts about anything to do with that.
Ding ding ding
There is some obviously-not-confined-to-Indian-families insight there.
Slightly tangentially, I have encountered Buddhist teachers who call the whole concept of "mental illness" into question, being quite explicit about that. They can come across as kind of kooky when they start on that. Maybe they could make their case better by calling into question the whole concept of mental wellness, as known to modern English-speakers.
What fraction of modern adults are really "grown up" according to consensus models of developmental psychology?
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 6:41 AM on September 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
I posted this because I was absolutely a parentified child despite being deeply loved and I suspect I was guilty of doing this to my kid in a variety of ways and now she has children. I read this article and felt a slap of recognition and then horror. Luckily, I know that people can become emotionally healthier because I have over the years. Therapy helped me; so did Al-Anon, the 12-step program for the friends and family of alcoholics and addicts.
As an atheist, i never expected to learn how to become a better adult through 12-step meetings. But my parents were terrible role models. I needed to learn how to grow up emotionally some how and that program, for me, was helpful.
Reading the article was helpful, too, because I knew about the concept but I hadn't read examples. So I was glad to have read it and thought some other folks might be as well.
Perhaps the Buddhists might want to huddle with the Scientologists about the whole mental health thing and leave the rest of us alone. That is a fascinating fact about some Buddhists, for sure.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:13 AM on September 23, 2022 [11 favorites]
As an atheist, i never expected to learn how to become a better adult through 12-step meetings. But my parents were terrible role models. I needed to learn how to grow up emotionally some how and that program, for me, was helpful.
Reading the article was helpful, too, because I knew about the concept but I hadn't read examples. So I was glad to have read it and thought some other folks might be as well.
Perhaps the Buddhists might want to huddle with the Scientologists about the whole mental health thing and leave the rest of us alone. That is a fascinating fact about some Buddhists, for sure.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:13 AM on September 23, 2022 [11 favorites]
Being "grown up" hardly precludes being mental/emotional walking wounded. That's actually a point made in TFA -- many adults who were parentified are enormously capable people. That doesn't mean they -- we, I suppose -- are well.
posted by humbug at 7:13 AM on September 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by humbug at 7:13 AM on September 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
Perhaps the Buddhists might want to huddle with the Scientologists about the whole mental health thing and leave the rest of us alone. That is a fascinating fact about some Buddhists, for sure.
Buddhism was not mentioned in the original article (going by ctrl-f). Can we not throw a whole diverse set of religious practices under the bus based on one person's anecdote about some teachers they've encountered?
posted by kokaku at 7:37 AM on September 23, 2022 [24 favorites]
Buddhism was not mentioned in the original article (going by ctrl-f). Can we not throw a whole diverse set of religious practices under the bus based on one person's anecdote about some teachers they've encountered?
posted by kokaku at 7:37 AM on September 23, 2022 [24 favorites]
The need to sacrifice for people you love in adulthood is one of the most poisonous aspects of this. When someone is hurting you, you don't walk away, you start devoting your whole self to "fixing" something that is not your burden to repair alone. You don't protect yourself, you wade even further in and eventually either swim away, or drown.
posted by 1adam12 at 7:44 AM on September 23, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by 1adam12 at 7:44 AM on September 23, 2022 [15 favorites]
I read this article and felt a slap of recognition and then horror.
Yes. I am just starting to deal with the effects of this on my own life, more than forty years after the death of my father and twenty years after the death of my mother. The intergenerational aspects of this are huge, and probably one of the reasons many people feel like this is just "life." In my case, I chose to deal the fear of passing it on by not having children, but I'm glad that there are other ways.
posted by rpfields at 7:44 AM on September 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
Yes. I am just starting to deal with the effects of this on my own life, more than forty years after the death of my father and twenty years after the death of my mother. The intergenerational aspects of this are huge, and probably one of the reasons many people feel like this is just "life." In my case, I chose to deal the fear of passing it on by not having children, but I'm glad that there are other ways.
posted by rpfields at 7:44 AM on September 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
My mother has severe Anxiety. We lived in a very safe suburb in a very safe city. My father was often away for work.
When I was aged 7, 8, 9 my mother used to shake me awake in the middle of the night and say
"A car drove down our street late at night, we're going to be burgled/raped/murdered"
"A car parked on our street late at night, we're going to be burgled/raped/murdered"
and I would have to reassure her that the doors were locked, the windows were locked, and that it was probably just someone coming home from a film/a play/a party.
I started having terrifying nightmares, and I still do to this day, even in my 40s. I also have complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
posted by carriage pulled by cassowaries at 9:03 AM on September 23, 2022 [18 favorites]
When I was aged 7, 8, 9 my mother used to shake me awake in the middle of the night and say
"A car drove down our street late at night, we're going to be burgled/raped/murdered"
"A car parked on our street late at night, we're going to be burgled/raped/murdered"
and I would have to reassure her that the doors were locked, the windows were locked, and that it was probably just someone coming home from a film/a play/a party.
I started having terrifying nightmares, and I still do to this day, even in my 40s. I also have complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
posted by carriage pulled by cassowaries at 9:03 AM on September 23, 2022 [18 favorites]
Can we not throw a whole diverse set of religious practices under the bus based on one person's anecdote about some teachers they've encountered?
My apologies to my fellow MeFites. I asked for thoughtful comments and then posted something that included an unnecessary and shitty comment. That was a bad choice. I will calm down. Thank you to all the actually thoughtful comments who have posted thus far. I appreciate it!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:20 AM on September 23, 2022 [15 favorites]
My apologies to my fellow MeFites. I asked for thoughtful comments and then posted something that included an unnecessary and shitty comment. That was a bad choice. I will calm down. Thank you to all the actually thoughtful comments who have posted thus far. I appreciate it!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:20 AM on September 23, 2022 [15 favorites]
My sister was exactly this, not just in our three person single mother household, but across all three families of my father’s brothers. She was the oldest of our generation, and just automatically expected to care for us at any family gathering, at the expense of, well, anything in her own life.
This extended throughout her life, from our essentially estranged father calling on her whenever he needed help after hospitalization, to our mother moving in with my sister 18 years ago, and almost immediately adopting a helplessness requiring my sister to, again, put her life on hold. My mother passed earlier this week, and now, somehow, my sister needs to find a way to move forward, with over fifty years of trauma, abuse, and the damage that being made the responsible one, the caretaker for not only our generation, but for our parents as well, since her early childhood has induced. It will be years for her to recover from this, and I hope she will be able to reclaim some of the life that was stolen from her.
My family is one of the reasons I never came back to live in the states, and the fact that I left her here to deal with all of the things I ran from is something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for. We, both of us, long ago decided never to have children of our own, and fear of being anything like our own parents to them is a large part of the reason why.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:26 AM on September 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
This extended throughout her life, from our essentially estranged father calling on her whenever he needed help after hospitalization, to our mother moving in with my sister 18 years ago, and almost immediately adopting a helplessness requiring my sister to, again, put her life on hold. My mother passed earlier this week, and now, somehow, my sister needs to find a way to move forward, with over fifty years of trauma, abuse, and the damage that being made the responsible one, the caretaker for not only our generation, but for our parents as well, since her early childhood has induced. It will be years for her to recover from this, and I hope she will be able to reclaim some of the life that was stolen from her.
My family is one of the reasons I never came back to live in the states, and the fact that I left her here to deal with all of the things I ran from is something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for. We, both of us, long ago decided never to have children of our own, and fear of being anything like our own parents to them is a large part of the reason why.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:26 AM on September 23, 2022 [12 favorites]
Yet, even at work, parentified adults can be exploited. Some of them shared how they felt singularly responsible on the job. Mira was taking on more work than the others, struggled with delegating, and strived for perfection. Her husband asked: “Why you?” And she answered with what felt like clarity at that time: “There is no one else.” In a way, this one sentence summarises parentification better than an entire textbook.
Oh. Wow. Hello me. I've heard a lot about parentification but was reluctant to read anything on it because I sort of knew what I'd find.
When I was around 10, there was a toll increase on the bridges between Southern New Jersey and Pennsylvania. The night before the increase, I kept myself awake all night long so I could be awake when my Dad's alarm went off at 6am so I could remind him about the toll increase so he wouldn't be caught unaware and be grumpy when he came home which would upset my mother and cause us all to have an awkward night.
My mom and I are close and have a good relationship, but growing up I knew more about her feelings, her insecurities, and her marriage to my father than I ever, EVER should have known.
Thanks for sharing this article. It's very eyeopening.
posted by kimberussell at 9:39 AM on September 23, 2022 [31 favorites]
Oh. Wow. Hello me. I've heard a lot about parentification but was reluctant to read anything on it because I sort of knew what I'd find.
When I was around 10, there was a toll increase on the bridges between Southern New Jersey and Pennsylvania. The night before the increase, I kept myself awake all night long so I could be awake when my Dad's alarm went off at 6am so I could remind him about the toll increase so he wouldn't be caught unaware and be grumpy when he came home which would upset my mother and cause us all to have an awkward night.
My mom and I are close and have a good relationship, but growing up I knew more about her feelings, her insecurities, and her marriage to my father than I ever, EVER should have known.
Thanks for sharing this article. It's very eyeopening.
posted by kimberussell at 9:39 AM on September 23, 2022 [31 favorites]
In my fantasy world where school is for development and learning rather than capitalist indoctrination, psychology will be taught from preschool on, at developmentally-appropriate levels.
I did not experience this in my family; my father was somewhere between parentified and just unnoticed in his family, and my parents had big big boundaries about what kids needed to worry about, handle, or provide in term of emotional relationships.
But I had so many friends experiencing various flavors of this, most of them children of divorce in the 80s when there was basically no expectation of emotional support from institutions or anybody, really, and we were all latchkey kids to start with. Some of them were more self-raising kids like my dad, but just a lot of people who had to take on roles and know things they shouldn't have had to, and none of the rest of us had any words for "this isn't okay" - and if we'd said it, it wouldn't have mattered much because no adults gave a shit, but we could have at least offered some moral support.
I am grateful that my parents DID see it sometimes, and were able to provide a bit of stealth support to some of my friends when they really needed it.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:39 AM on September 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
I did not experience this in my family; my father was somewhere between parentified and just unnoticed in his family, and my parents had big big boundaries about what kids needed to worry about, handle, or provide in term of emotional relationships.
But I had so many friends experiencing various flavors of this, most of them children of divorce in the 80s when there was basically no expectation of emotional support from institutions or anybody, really, and we were all latchkey kids to start with. Some of them were more self-raising kids like my dad, but just a lot of people who had to take on roles and know things they shouldn't have had to, and none of the rest of us had any words for "this isn't okay" - and if we'd said it, it wouldn't have mattered much because no adults gave a shit, but we could have at least offered some moral support.
I am grateful that my parents DID see it sometimes, and were able to provide a bit of stealth support to some of my friends when they really needed it.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:39 AM on September 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
I started having terrifying nightmares, and I still do to this day, even in my 40s. I also have complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
Jesus Christ, do I know this song. You do the verses, and I'll join in on the chorus.
I don't really get the nightmares any more--about that, at least, but that "Everything is a crisis, everything is to be panicked about" feeling? That I feel in my fucking bones.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:37 PM on September 23, 2022 [14 favorites]
Jesus Christ, do I know this song. You do the verses, and I'll join in on the chorus.
I don't really get the nightmares any more--about that, at least, but that "Everything is a crisis, everything is to be panicked about" feeling? That I feel in my fucking bones.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:37 PM on September 23, 2022 [14 favorites]
Thank you. If anyone has suggestions for further reading on parentification, please share them.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:03 PM on September 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:03 PM on September 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
MT, this 2017 "Looking for books about parentified children" AskMe links to a deleted-at-poster's-request FPP; a comment in the that FPP thread recommended Bethany Webster's work.
Hmm, speaking of Ask Metafilter... from TFA: Deeply unsure of their own worth, parentified adults form relationships based on how valuable they can be to others. This allows them familiar feelings of being good and worthy, from which they can operate in the world around them. This can look like people-pleasing, or being the agony aunt or overextending their own resources to help others. On the other hand, they struggle to receive support in return. They wonder – how much can I ask for? Will I be considered needy or dramatic? They struggle to claim space in the lives of others, uncertain if the person will stay should they have an ask of their own. The worst fallout comes in romantic relationships. Studies show that parentified adults are vulnerable to unhealthy, addictive or destructive intimate relationships.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:45 PM on September 23, 2022 [14 favorites]
Hmm, speaking of Ask Metafilter... from TFA: Deeply unsure of their own worth, parentified adults form relationships based on how valuable they can be to others. This allows them familiar feelings of being good and worthy, from which they can operate in the world around them. This can look like people-pleasing, or being the agony aunt or overextending their own resources to help others. On the other hand, they struggle to receive support in return. They wonder – how much can I ask for? Will I be considered needy or dramatic? They struggle to claim space in the lives of others, uncertain if the person will stay should they have an ask of their own. The worst fallout comes in romantic relationships. Studies show that parentified adults are vulnerable to unhealthy, addictive or destructive intimate relationships.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:45 PM on September 23, 2022 [14 favorites]
Thank you for your comment, Phalene. I saw my own experiences clearly reflected in it.
posted by Thella at 7:25 PM on September 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Thella at 7:25 PM on September 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
I was more of a feral neglected child, although I'm sure my older siblings will see a lot in this. But what strikes me is that this was very common advice for adoptive parents of older children: expect parentification in your children and work to reverse it. Strategies were explicitly telling them they were kids and not responsible for adult things, deliberately limiting the chores and responsibilities they had to below age appropriate and then working up, making sure they did not discipline the other children or had to be responsible for them - mine weren't allowed to change the baby's diapers or do childcare chores, only wash dishes and help a little with food prep, and the rest of the time play and be told to play explicitly.
It was a general consensus (I joined fairly granola-older adoption groups) that if you had an older kid who had just been adopted and was behaving beautifully and doing chores and being responsible, you had a significant problem because it was coming from fear. The 'honeymoon phase', and that your job was to create a safe place and strong bonds for them to feel okay to express anger and misery and misbehave and be a little kid.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:28 PM on September 23, 2022 [19 favorites]
It was a general consensus (I joined fairly granola-older adoption groups) that if you had an older kid who had just been adopted and was behaving beautifully and doing chores and being responsible, you had a significant problem because it was coming from fear. The 'honeymoon phase', and that your job was to create a safe place and strong bonds for them to feel okay to express anger and misery and misbehave and be a little kid.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:28 PM on September 23, 2022 [19 favorites]
dorothyisunderwood, thanks for your contribution. I'm also an adoptive parent, in particular of one who we adopted in their late teens, and what you say is very familiar.
I learned about parentification from my first girlfriend in college in the 80s. When we met, she was 19, and her mother was married to her sixth husband—-my girlfriend's father had been husband #1, and she was her mother's oldest child. There had also been live-in relationships with men that weren't marriages, so the math is pretty astonishing. My gf was the most stable, consistent person in her mother's life, and from a young age she'd been privy to much too much information about her mother's emotional and sexual life, as well as taking responsibility for navigating things like utilities being shut off, meals getting onto the table when there was almost nothing to eat in the house, and the care of her two younger siblings. During the years we were together, she was beginning to understand what this had done to her, and was starting to try to learn to set boundaries with her mother (who still called multiple times a day), but she was also dealing with overwhelming anxiety and a the sense that she was responsible for things she couldn't possibly be responsible for, like crimes she heard about—-what if she was somehow committing terrible crimes and not remembering it?
When I say I learned about it, I mean that the two of us began to learn about it together once she got into therapy. Or I mean, we learned about it the hard way by living it. Our relationship was pretty much doomed from the beginning due to youth and the untreated mental health effects we both had from our birth families, but we loved each other very much and did our best to heal while we were together.
posted by Well I never at 5:13 AM on September 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
I learned about parentification from my first girlfriend in college in the 80s. When we met, she was 19, and her mother was married to her sixth husband—-my girlfriend's father had been husband #1, and she was her mother's oldest child. There had also been live-in relationships with men that weren't marriages, so the math is pretty astonishing. My gf was the most stable, consistent person in her mother's life, and from a young age she'd been privy to much too much information about her mother's emotional and sexual life, as well as taking responsibility for navigating things like utilities being shut off, meals getting onto the table when there was almost nothing to eat in the house, and the care of her two younger siblings. During the years we were together, she was beginning to understand what this had done to her, and was starting to try to learn to set boundaries with her mother (who still called multiple times a day), but she was also dealing with overwhelming anxiety and a the sense that she was responsible for things she couldn't possibly be responsible for, like crimes she heard about—-what if she was somehow committing terrible crimes and not remembering it?
When I say I learned about it, I mean that the two of us began to learn about it together once she got into therapy. Or I mean, we learned about it the hard way by living it. Our relationship was pretty much doomed from the beginning due to youth and the untreated mental health effects we both had from our birth families, but we loved each other very much and did our best to heal while we were together.
posted by Well I never at 5:13 AM on September 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
I’ve usually come across the concept of parentification in the context of older children being forced to take on too much of the care of younger siblings, which didn’t apply to me as on only child and the youngest of my generation. But this focus on the child having to meet the emotional needs of the parent is really illuminating for me, even though it focuses on a very different cultural context. Thank you for this!
posted by duien at 9:54 AM on September 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by duien at 9:54 AM on September 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
My mom had severe mental illness, leading us to move every couple years whenever her challenges over took her. She had relations with a number of men while I was growing up, a few of which were terrible to her and us. A few used her for her for whatever disability support she was able to collect.
I felt like I was her last line of defense, trying to keep our family stable, and encourage everyone's care. A key part of helping her avoid "cycling" was for me to anticipate her emotional temperature. A therapist later told me I had learned a form of CBT, to help her when she was starting to fall prey to thoughts that didn't reflect reality. I eventually was thrown out at 16 by her last boyfriend, who eventually became her husband. During that time I felt like I failed her, and my little brother, who was in dire circumstances.
Many years later, when her husband died, mom ended up in a few group homes. Me and my wife's involvement with her mental health caregivers eventually helped her find some stability in the last ten years of her life, getting her the environment and support she needed to no longer cycle into crisis every few months.
Iris Gambol, your quote resonated a lot for me. At 50 I'm thankful to have the family I have, therapy, and a good job, but those feelings drag at me. Am I doing everything I can for my loved ones? Am I doing everything I can for those who I work with, or just about anyone around me. Am I a drag - at all - on those around me? Am I worthy of love and care? It creates a basis for a terrible anxiety that overtakes me sometimes.
posted by kmartino at 12:58 PM on September 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
I felt like I was her last line of defense, trying to keep our family stable, and encourage everyone's care. A key part of helping her avoid "cycling" was for me to anticipate her emotional temperature. A therapist later told me I had learned a form of CBT, to help her when she was starting to fall prey to thoughts that didn't reflect reality. I eventually was thrown out at 16 by her last boyfriend, who eventually became her husband. During that time I felt like I failed her, and my little brother, who was in dire circumstances.
Many years later, when her husband died, mom ended up in a few group homes. Me and my wife's involvement with her mental health caregivers eventually helped her find some stability in the last ten years of her life, getting her the environment and support she needed to no longer cycle into crisis every few months.
Iris Gambol, your quote resonated a lot for me. At 50 I'm thankful to have the family I have, therapy, and a good job, but those feelings drag at me. Am I doing everything I can for my loved ones? Am I doing everything I can for those who I work with, or just about anyone around me. Am I a drag - at all - on those around me? Am I worthy of love and care? It creates a basis for a terrible anxiety that overtakes me sometimes.
posted by kmartino at 12:58 PM on September 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
ouch
And although over the years I've sort of got some distance, my parents are now old enough to actually start needing that kind of instrumental help again. Which I would be happy to provide, if it weren't for the fact that both of them have the same emotional wounds they did when I was a child.
posted by harriet vane at 10:32 PM on September 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
And although over the years I've sort of got some distance, my parents are now old enough to actually start needing that kind of instrumental help again. Which I would be happy to provide, if it weren't for the fact that both of them have the same emotional wounds they did when I was a child.
posted by harriet vane at 10:32 PM on September 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
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I've been lucky. It's not something I've addressed with my mother, but it's something that several of those in my life have recognized and helped me with, most recently my wife. A healthy relationship with a supportive partner was key for me in working on this. I also recognize how lucky I am within the context of this, privilege helped me get out of the situation, it was only one year, and as a man who has had relationships with women, they are taught by society to help out their partners in ways that I needed.
I'm dead certain what happened with me was due, in large part, to my mother lacking a strong group of friends or community support and fixating on me as someone she could talk to about it. This seems to be echoing what the author wrote about parents who were shunned by both sets of parents and were looked askance at by society as a whole. I'm not eager to dive into the literature, but I am curious if strong friend communities or relationships with larger families have been researched to look at how much parentification occurs at different levels.
What strikes me is how much I, a middle class, white, cis, man in a G8 country, saw echoed in their stories. The particular cultural aspects are different, but I suspect that the core experience is fairly similar across many if not all cultures.
posted by Hactar at 4:39 AM on September 23, 2022 [14 favorites]