Collar Me, Don't Collar Me

May 29, 2023 1:10 AM

For some, the term is a novelty—a hyperbolic way to express one’s attraction to a pop star or classmate. It accessorizes well with a brooding or chaotic self-image. For others, the implications are more profound. The word itself proves that you’re not alone. It can seem to describe a whole emotional orientation. To some, limerence is romantic; to others, it’s a scourge. For many, it’s both. from Hopeless Romantic, Seeking Treatment
posted by chavenet (12 comments total)

I read the whole article and don't understand the title of this post.
posted by hypnogogue at 6:23 AM on May 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

The title is a line from Orange Crush by REM.
posted by Otherwise at 6:32 AM on May 29, 2023 [11 favorites]

Orange Crush, by R.E.M. innit?

(That song is about the the forest-clearing chemical used in Vietnam, Agent Orange.)

What I recognise of myself in this article is a desire for something outside myself to help make right a world that is not right -- a gadget, some clothes, a place to hang out. Rarely is it a person, but I can see why romantic attachment would overlap with this need for a vicarious hero who can be what we each can't: someone with the agency to make right the world we live in.
posted by k3ninho at 6:32 AM on May 29, 2023 [5 favorites]

Reminds me of early 20th c womens literature discussing a pash, which could mean anything from the beginning of a lifelong lesbian relationship to a good year on the sports field to …limerence, I guess.
posted by clew at 9:54 AM on May 29, 2023 [3 favorites]

I am a person who goes limerent. It happens when you have no hope and nobody who's actually into you. It gives you hope and cheer to have someone to look forward to and hope about. It's an addiction. And breaking yourself of it really sucks. I've been doing that all 2023 by going low or no contact and avoiding possible situations where I'd run into him (most of the time, I have seen him a few times at shows and he's contacted me twice) and it is just awful to break one addiction that cheered you up in favor of barren sucky reality and nobody else coming along. I'm tired of "focus on YOU!" because I'm sick of focusing on me and my horrible job problems that I can't solve and all the other stuff in my life that is intractable. I wanted hope, dammit, and there's no hope in the rest of my life. I hate my reality, it's awful. I can't fix anything I hate unless some miracle comes along, and that ain't coming. Having a crush felt like that miracle, and ... it's not.

I'm not there yet and I admit it. I won't be there until I stop caring about the person entirely, which hopefully will happen someday. I remind myself all the time it's not mutual (even if frankly it seemed that way for quite awhile), he doesn't care, he doesn't miss me, I have nasty notes to myself on the walls to remind me of things people have said, like "he enjoys your friendship when he remembers it's there." I've stopped caring about exes before, I know it's doable. It just...sucks to choose and have to choose hopelessness and shitty barren reality, over and over again, when you hate it and that's not what you want.

I've never been into drugs, but people get into that sort of thing for reasons, you know? Because you were getting something fulfilling out of...whatever... that you're not getting out of your crap daily reality. I hated the years where I literally had no one to be interested in, it was so BLAH and BORING. I don't like going back there again, I don't wanna, but I have to because I can't stop thinking of that moment of utter revulsion he expressed towards me in public. Whether or not that's true overall or was just a bad moment, I don't know for sure (as my therapist would point out, a lot), but I'm forcing myself to focus on it all the time and believe that is the truth of his heart, because I need the brutal reminder to stop caring. Nobody wants my love and there's no point in having it exist. (And I don't just wanna "get a cat," either.)

Limerence is fun until you have no hope, is what that boils down to. Then it just sucks.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 AM on May 29, 2023 [22 favorites]

Thank you, chavenet, for posting this. I thought I had just been prone to unusually intense bromances, sometimes one-sided, but this makes much more sense. Talk about a lightbulb moment. I haven't had it happen in many years fortunately and sincerely hope it never does again - the one time it nearly upended me. It is good, however, to know that this thing has a name, however vaguely understood, and that I'm not the only one. (I briefly went for therapy one time and the therapist said I did not have strongly enough developed sense of self - something I intuitively understood as part of the problem.)
posted by blue shadows at 10:18 PM on May 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

Oh dear, this explains a few friendships where people seemed extremely dependent on me for their happiness.
posted by Calzephyr at 7:25 AM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

When I was younger I was very romantic about one sided love, and I would have NEVER called it a crush. "Crush" sounded too superficial. Then as life wore on I realized that in common parlance, when people say "in love" they mean in MUTUAL love. I still can't wrap my head about that assumption about being in love. First of all, mutual romantic love doesn't even happen all that often. And of course in the beginning of a relationship few people are confident that any strong feelings and hopes they may have developed are shared. So is the person unsure of the other one's feelings not 'in love'? Well maybe not, but only because the word "limerance" now exists.

I didn't really like the term "unrequited love" because it sounded rather flowery and old fashioned for this day and age, although it certainly felt accurate. I just figured I was in love, whether the other person was or not.

Also, there was a strong sense of "meant to be". Bob Seger's "You will accompany me" was a big hit at the time.

Then there was "You love her, but she loves him. And he loves someone else, you just can't win." So many songs describing the anguish that's at the heart of adult life until you finally have the sense to become "friends with benefits" with someone and settle for marrying them. Or do whatever else works for you.
posted by serena15221 at 8:42 AM on May 30, 2023 [3 favorites]

I've had it happen more than once, but the worst case was when I went off to college, and struck up an acquaintance with another freshman who seemed to like me too. She did, but not the way that I liked her, and when she told me that she was a lesbian, it seemed to get worse--I was having a difficult first semester and, as absurd as it sounds, took her lack of romantic interest in me as a personal failure of mine. I was spiraling when I went to student counseling, and only broke out of it when a counselor told me that it was natural for me to be depressed, seeing as how I was of Irish ancestry. That's bullshit, of course, but it let me off the hook--I wasn't a failure, it was just the Hibernian funk!

I've never been into drugs, but people get into that sort of thing for reasons, you know? Because you were getting something fulfilling out of...whatever... that you're not getting out of your crap daily reality.

I think you're on to something there; my drinking wasn't as bad when I was in a relationship, and I approach potential relationships now with the knowledge that it's not just the potential for codependency, it's also that it does serve as a sort of para-drug for me unless I'm very cautious.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:33 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]

This was really interesting. If I recall correctly, Tennov didn't think limerence was unrequited by definition; it encompasses the intense early relationship feelings which later develop into a steadier affectional bond. Some of what the article describes seems more like the older idea of Clérambault's syndrome.

I'm on Gutman's side, I think. If Wyant's and others' experiences meet the level of OCD, then they should be managed as a subset of OCD - I'm not clear whether (re)defining limerence as pathological adds helpfully to that.
posted by Ballad of Peckham Rye at 10:53 PM on May 30, 2023 [3 favorites]

The idea that a crush doesn't have to be romantic or sexual but is more like an addiction to someone is helpful. It helps me to explain some relationships I see in those around me as well. If you've ever had a severe case of limerence I don't think there is any question it is debilitating enough to include. It may be related to other psychological maladies but is strong enough to stand on its own.
posted by blue shadows at 7:07 PM on May 31, 2023 [1 favorite]

The idea that a crush doesn't have to be romantic or sexual but is more like an addiction to someone is helpful.

I'm not really arguing with that. I am saying that isn't what limerence has meant, historically. And I think Relationship OCD may be a better fit for what you're describing. It has the diagnostic tools and treatments the article says are missing in Tennov.

If you've ever had a severe case of limerence I don't think there is any question it is debilitating enough to include.

Might just pause to laughsob at the thought I've never fixated on someone to a debilitating degree.

It isn't that I don't have this experience. I've had it, and also a range of other debilitating psychological phenomena, within the context of a severe mental health diagnosis. And the treatment is the same if you only have problems in the one domain (ie fixating on a person). I'm not persuaded *by this article* that redefining limerence is clinically useful or changes that picture?

I'll also add that though I'm not a therapist, I was trained in exposure response prevention and used it in NHS clinics for several years, where we saw an awful lot of what's described in the article as a matter of course. When the article says the therapist Wyant saw didn't know how to help her, I suspect the problem wasn't a lack of diagnostic tools or treatments, so much as them being crap at their job.
posted by Ballad of Peckham Rye at 1:49 PM on June 1, 2023 [1 favorite]