more of a say in whether the birth family should be reunified
October 17, 2023 10:14 AM Subscribe
When Foster Parents Don’t Want to Give Back the Baby: In many states, adoption lawyers are pushing a new legal strategy that forces biological parents to compete for custody of their children. [ProPublica]
Harrowing.
posted by Suedeltica at 10:37 AM on October 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Suedeltica at 10:37 AM on October 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
After the visit, the evaluator, a social worker named Diane Baird, made a report to the county. Alicia and Fred were kind to Carter, she noted, and she praised them for remaining sober and being “earnest in their regret” about the mistakes they had made. But she criticized them for repeatedly encouraging Carter to crawl, which he wasn’t quite ready to do, and for giving him the bell pepper — actions, Baird said, that betrayed a lack of understanding that he had developmental delays. “Neither parent has the kind of relationship with Carter that will help him feel safe in a new situation,” she wrote.FU LADY. Just wow, horrifying. How many "normal" families would fail these clearly biased and unscientific tests?
...Although hired as a consultant by Washington County in this case, Baird had a long-standing independent agenda: helping foster parents across Colorado succeed in intervening and permanently claiming the children they care for.
Do we think there is documented white supremacist strategy with regard to infants and children? I feel like I've repeatedly seen horrifying stealing babies (from "undesirables") type of news - i.e. immigrant and asylum seeker kids are stolen, not tracked, and given to white christian families. Foster parents who think they should keep kids because they are "better". Wasn't there something in Haiti where children were stolen and given to white christian families?
If documentation exists surely it would have leaked by now - or possibly it is so nutty and unbelievable that those who've seen it dismiss it? Or do I sound like a wild lefty conspiracy theorist?
posted by Glinn at 10:47 AM on October 17, 2023 [12 favorites]
Alicia is much more forgiving than I would've been.
posted by praemunire at 11:01 AM on October 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 11:01 AM on October 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
There is some weird line where "I want to care for this child and help them, as I would any child I was responsible for" and "this child is mine by rights, my property" blurs together that seems really evident in the whole adoption industry. To the point that fostering is a "hot growth market" for baby acquisition when the supply of unwanted infants runs low, which in a healthy society, would be something to celebrate.
And I wonder about that.
Our society treats children, especially babies, as property, but also as the pinnacle of our own achievement, seldom as people who have quirks and imperfections. What happens when that child you spent 1000s to acquire disappoints or defies you? Grows up to not be what you imagined? Decides that what you did to acquire them was bad?
posted by emjaybee at 11:09 AM on October 17, 2023 [24 favorites]
And I wonder about that.
Our society treats children, especially babies, as property, but also as the pinnacle of our own achievement, seldom as people who have quirks and imperfections. What happens when that child you spent 1000s to acquire disappoints or defies you? Grows up to not be what you imagined? Decides that what you did to acquire them was bad?
posted by emjaybee at 11:09 AM on October 17, 2023 [24 favorites]
You end up on the bad adopter forums complaining about how your child is "insensitive" and "ungrateful."
posted by praemunire at 11:29 AM on October 17, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 11:29 AM on October 17, 2023 [13 favorites]
Glinn, The Child Catchers covers international adoption within conservative Christian communities, and covers exactly what you allude to (a Biblically-cited savior narrative, trafficking, children as property) - definitely worth a read.
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:32 AM on October 17, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:32 AM on October 17, 2023 [11 favorites]
Wowwww, that photo of Diane Baird made me exclaim out loud, "Jesus, I bet this is Diane," before I saw the caption underneath. I have goosebumps about how uncannily she resembles the person I imagined, especially that smug, supercilious expression on her face.
posted by MiraK at 11:35 AM on October 17, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by MiraK at 11:35 AM on October 17, 2023 [4 favorites]
Or you end up in Facebook adoption disruption groups, giving your child to strangers. (cw for abuse of many types for that link)
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:35 AM on October 17, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:35 AM on October 17, 2023 [9 favorites]
I'd hope the CO Bar takes an interest in the "Pioneer of Intervenors" too.
This is yet another demonstration of why the phrase "zealous representation" needs to just go away (and to be fair, there's a movement to do exactly that.) Because for all the high minded rhetoric from lawyers, the reality is that it has always been the refuge of scoundrels - a justification to be legal mercenaries with no care for the harm they do.
As for Baird - she needs to have her license torn up on grounds of professional malfeasance with regard to her dishonest dealings.
posted by NoxAeternum at 11:53 AM on October 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
This is yet another demonstration of why the phrase "zealous representation" needs to just go away (and to be fair, there's a movement to do exactly that.) Because for all the high minded rhetoric from lawyers, the reality is that it has always been the refuge of scoundrels - a justification to be legal mercenaries with no care for the harm they do.
As for Baird - she needs to have her license torn up on grounds of professional malfeasance with regard to her dishonest dealings.
posted by NoxAeternum at 11:53 AM on October 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
Lots of thoughts on this, since I'm an adoptee adopted by a person who should never have been allowed to parent. I have also been happily reunited with and warmly welcomed by my entire extended birth family. I was adopted in the Baby Scoop Era, when (usually white) girls and women had their babies taken from them and given to "more deserving" people who hadn't committed the grave faux pas of getting pregnant while single.
My TL;DR is that US white adoption culture falls in line with Amy Coney Barrett's glib description of "domestic infant supply": Foster care & private adoption is for the benefit of (often infertile) couples, rather than for the benefit of the families who need temporary help to keep their children and keep the family together. Foster care in this country is broken. Eirich and Baird are predators.
Western history tells us forced adoption has historically happened for supremacist/race-related and non-race-related reasons. In Canada, there was the Sixties Scoop, when white families forcibly adopted indigenous children. The UK apologized for forced adoption and recognized it as human rights abuse. The Geneva Convention has something to say about forced adoptions and genocide, such as has occurred in Ukraine where children were taken to Russia and adopted by Russian families.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:56 AM on October 17, 2023 [34 favorites]
My TL;DR is that US white adoption culture falls in line with Amy Coney Barrett's glib description of "domestic infant supply": Foster care & private adoption is for the benefit of (often infertile) couples, rather than for the benefit of the families who need temporary help to keep their children and keep the family together. Foster care in this country is broken. Eirich and Baird are predators.
Western history tells us forced adoption has historically happened for supremacist/race-related and non-race-related reasons. In Canada, there was the Sixties Scoop, when white families forcibly adopted indigenous children. The UK apologized for forced adoption and recognized it as human rights abuse. The Geneva Convention has something to say about forced adoptions and genocide, such as has occurred in Ukraine where children were taken to Russia and adopted by Russian families.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:56 AM on October 17, 2023 [34 favorites]
Hmmm, I wonder if things would change if society supported parents financially and mentally, as well as encouraged education on how to effectively parent?
Maybe we could even throw in a bit of post-natal counseling, parental leave, and free childcare for workers!
Maybe if we had free birth control as well as access to abortion and women's health care, unwanted pregnancies and neglected children might not be such a tragedy.
And then eliminating racism and misogyny....
You hear about divorced parents who strive together to make the best lives for their kids. How about parents and foster parents doing the same?
Pffft, what silly ideas!\
Let's just keep on making the lives of children a battleground.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:02 PM on October 17, 2023 [18 favorites]
Maybe we could even throw in a bit of post-natal counseling, parental leave, and free childcare for workers!
Maybe if we had free birth control as well as access to abortion and women's health care, unwanted pregnancies and neglected children might not be such a tragedy.
And then eliminating racism and misogyny....
You hear about divorced parents who strive together to make the best lives for their kids. How about parents and foster parents doing the same?
Pffft, what silly ideas!\
Let's just keep on making the lives of children a battleground.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:02 PM on October 17, 2023 [18 favorites]
Glinn, The Child Catchers covers international adoption within conservative Christian communities, and covers exactly what you allude to (a Biblically-cited savior narrative, trafficking, children as property) - definitely worth a read.
As someone else who is interested in that story but vastly prefers ebooks, it might be worth noting that the book is currently on sale and available for $4 on Kobo. Thank you for the rec! Thought I'd pass that on in case anyone else is broke and curious.
posted by sciatrix at 12:17 PM on October 17, 2023 [7 favorites]
As someone else who is interested in that story but vastly prefers ebooks, it might be worth noting that the book is currently on sale and available for $4 on Kobo. Thank you for the rec! Thought I'd pass that on in case anyone else is broke and curious.
posted by sciatrix at 12:17 PM on October 17, 2023 [7 favorites]
“If Carter laughed, it was the wrong type of laugh,” he told me. “If Carter was running, he’d be ‘hyperaroused.’” Fred had by now come to think of Baird as some wicked Jedi, converting his positive interactions with Carter into dark ones.
Yeah, sounds about correct.
How many "normal" families would fail these clearly biased and unscientific tests?
I can say from personal experience in general, not of this particular nature, that if you nitpick and scrutinize every possible aspect of a person, YOU WILL BE A FAILURE.
What if they could get taxpayers to care about all the money the government had spent to keep them from their child?
And THAT's what it finally took to end this nightmare.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:23 PM on October 17, 2023 [8 favorites]
Yeah, sounds about correct.
How many "normal" families would fail these clearly biased and unscientific tests?
I can say from personal experience in general, not of this particular nature, that if you nitpick and scrutinize every possible aspect of a person, YOU WILL BE A FAILURE.
What if they could get taxpayers to care about all the money the government had spent to keep them from their child?
And THAT's what it finally took to end this nightmare.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:23 PM on October 17, 2023 [8 favorites]
That lawyer is such a ghoul, imagine taking 32K to try to steal a baby. I totally understand that being a foster parent is hard. Its impossible to care for an infant without bonding with it, but fundamentally fostering should be temporary. Its pretty brazen that the "experts" say that visits are causing trauma when you can just as easy say that it is having to go back to the foster parents that caused the outbursts.
@fosterhood on twitter (previously) is really good reading about the fostercare system (you can maybe get her old blog on the wayback machine?) Lack of permanency is a real problem for children as is aging out of the foster system without support. IIRC she described situations in NYC where foster agencies would move children from home to home to keep them from being adopted out of the system as they were paid per child.
posted by being_quiet at 12:52 PM on October 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
@fosterhood on twitter (previously) is really good reading about the fostercare system (you can maybe get her old blog on the wayback machine?) Lack of permanency is a real problem for children as is aging out of the foster system without support. IIRC she described situations in NYC where foster agencies would move children from home to home to keep them from being adopted out of the system as they were paid per child.
posted by being_quiet at 12:52 PM on October 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
In Canada, there was the Sixties Scoop, when white families forcibly adopted indigenous children.
This is still a problem. Indigenous children are wildly over representated in government care and are often placed with white families far from their cultural groups.
posted by Mitheral at 1:12 PM on October 17, 2023 [9 favorites]
This is still a problem. Indigenous children are wildly over representated in government care and are often placed with white families far from their cultural groups.
posted by Mitheral at 1:12 PM on October 17, 2023 [9 favorites]
Maybe if we had free birth control as well as access to abortion and women's health care, unwanted pregnancies and neglected children might not be such a tragedy.
If the people who were trying to get rid of reproductive health care (abortion and birth control specifically, but that kills everything else) didn't know that, they wouldn't be trying so hard to bring on/back forced birth to create a supply of infants. Rebuilding that social structure to reward people who are set up (privileged enough) to and able to do the "right things" and punishing people who aren't? That's the point.
The whole article was horrifying and I felt for the would-be adoptive parents but not like I did for the birth parents. The would-be adoptive parents got culturally told that adoption is how you help kids with druggie (bad) parents, that they would be better parents for the kid than addicts, and all it ended up doing was hurting everybody except the lawyers who were hoovering the money out of everybody's wallets.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 1:41 PM on October 17, 2023 [11 favorites]
If the people who were trying to get rid of reproductive health care (abortion and birth control specifically, but that kills everything else) didn't know that, they wouldn't be trying so hard to bring on/back forced birth to create a supply of infants. Rebuilding that social structure to reward people who are set up (privileged enough) to and able to do the "right things" and punishing people who aren't? That's the point.
The whole article was horrifying and I felt for the would-be adoptive parents but not like I did for the birth parents. The would-be adoptive parents got culturally told that adoption is how you help kids with druggie (bad) parents, that they would be better parents for the kid than addicts, and all it ended up doing was hurting everybody except the lawyers who were hoovering the money out of everybody's wallets.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 1:41 PM on October 17, 2023 [11 favorites]
Maybe if we had free birth control as well as access to abortion and women's health care, unwanted pregnancies and neglected children might not be such a tragedy.
No, this isn't the whole story.
The article alludes to it briefly by saying that adoption has gone down and that single motherhood is more acceptable, but what it doesn't say is that fertility assistance such as IVF has gotten more and more expensive and is unreachable for most people, and it's not usually covered by healthcare. Reproductive healthcare doesn't just include the right not to have children, it includes the right to have children as well.
With people marrying later and later in life, and having stable financial situations later and later in life, there is a fertility crisis ongoing. And the desperation for a child and inability to have one is fucking real for people who are in crisis over it. You wind up latching onto anything. Your brain lies to itself so that it can have a child.
Yeah, the family should not have done what they did. But would they have done it if they had affordable medical help to have their own baby?
posted by corb at 7:41 PM on October 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
No, this isn't the whole story.
The article alludes to it briefly by saying that adoption has gone down and that single motherhood is more acceptable, but what it doesn't say is that fertility assistance such as IVF has gotten more and more expensive and is unreachable for most people, and it's not usually covered by healthcare. Reproductive healthcare doesn't just include the right not to have children, it includes the right to have children as well.
With people marrying later and later in life, and having stable financial situations later and later in life, there is a fertility crisis ongoing. And the desperation for a child and inability to have one is fucking real for people who are in crisis over it. You wind up latching onto anything. Your brain lies to itself so that it can have a child.
Yeah, the family should not have done what they did. But would they have done it if they had affordable medical help to have their own baby?
posted by corb at 7:41 PM on October 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
> Yeah, the family should not have done what they did. But would they have done it if they had affordable medical help to have their own baby?
... Nobody's personal tragedy is an excuse to steal other people's babies, holy shit.
What the family who stole this baby needed much more urgently than treatment for infertility was psychological help, or perhaps even some kind of rehabilitation program that would set their brain to rights. People who have lost enough of their humanity that they will steal another person's child (no matter the reasons) are in no shape to take on the role of a parent, biological or otherwise!
posted by MiraK at 6:46 AM on October 18, 2023 [9 favorites]
... Nobody's personal tragedy is an excuse to steal other people's babies, holy shit.
What the family who stole this baby needed much more urgently than treatment for infertility was psychological help, or perhaps even some kind of rehabilitation program that would set their brain to rights. People who have lost enough of their humanity that they will steal another person's child (no matter the reasons) are in no shape to take on the role of a parent, biological or otherwise!
posted by MiraK at 6:46 AM on October 18, 2023 [9 favorites]
What the family who stole this baby needed much more urgently than treatment for infertility was psychological help
To be fair that's not much more accessible in this garbage nation than infertility treatment.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:29 AM on October 18, 2023 [4 favorites]
To be fair that's not much more accessible in this garbage nation than infertility treatment.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:29 AM on October 18, 2023 [4 favorites]
> To be fair that's not much more accessible in this garbage nation than infertility treatment.
Yeah, I hear you. But it's not like this couple went looking for psychological help for their issues, and were thwarted by lack of access. Access to mental healthcare, while it's a problem in general, doesn't even apply here because nobody wants to get help, nobody thinks there's anything wrong with what they're doing.
The real problem in this situation is that most of our society completely normalizes and encourages baby stealing. That's why this couple ISN'T being told every minute of every day that their brain is not working properly and they need help. Instead they're at worst being encouraged to continue trying to steal other people's babies (by people looking to make a quick buck off of them, or by people who have religious or bigoted agendas to take babies away from "unworthy" bio parents, etc.) and at best, they're being excused for stealing babies because infertility is painful or whatever. ~Those poor dears. The evil society that failed to fund their infertility treatments left them with no other choice but to steal other people's babies. It's not their fault at all.~
The fact that their horrific actions are being excused, normalized, and encouraged is in effect the only barrier to them getting psychological help right now.
posted by MiraK at 7:53 AM on October 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I hear you. But it's not like this couple went looking for psychological help for their issues, and were thwarted by lack of access. Access to mental healthcare, while it's a problem in general, doesn't even apply here because nobody wants to get help, nobody thinks there's anything wrong with what they're doing.
The real problem in this situation is that most of our society completely normalizes and encourages baby stealing. That's why this couple ISN'T being told every minute of every day that their brain is not working properly and they need help. Instead they're at worst being encouraged to continue trying to steal other people's babies (by people looking to make a quick buck off of them, or by people who have religious or bigoted agendas to take babies away from "unworthy" bio parents, etc.) and at best, they're being excused for stealing babies because infertility is painful or whatever. ~Those poor dears. The evil society that failed to fund their infertility treatments left them with no other choice but to steal other people's babies. It's not their fault at all.~
The fact that their horrific actions are being excused, normalized, and encouraged is in effect the only barrier to them getting psychological help right now.
posted by MiraK at 7:53 AM on October 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
I find it really fascinating to be saying, in the same thread about how it's not appropriate to say that people are unfit to be a parent because of X actions in their past, that *other* people are unfit to be a parent because of actions *you* disagree with.
It's okay to be upset with the adoption industry, but I don't think that the way to do it is by pathologizing people who want to have children as having a brain not working for doing the thing that you admit our entire society has normalized as the appropriate thing to do in this situation. People aren't crazy because they listen to societal norms; if those norms are wrong then it is the society which is sick.
And the way that you fix societal norms is by fixing the societal needs which cause those norms. Adoption - and in this case ,foster intervention - exists as an industry because the need for children exists in sufficient vastness to be profitable. If it didn't, then the financial incentive wouldn't exist and these cottage industries wouldn't exist.
You can shame people all you want, and maybe it makes you feel better, but it's not going to solve the actual problem.
posted by corb at 8:08 AM on October 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
It's okay to be upset with the adoption industry, but I don't think that the way to do it is by pathologizing people who want to have children as having a brain not working for doing the thing that you admit our entire society has normalized as the appropriate thing to do in this situation. People aren't crazy because they listen to societal norms; if those norms are wrong then it is the society which is sick.
And the way that you fix societal norms is by fixing the societal needs which cause those norms. Adoption - and in this case ,foster intervention - exists as an industry because the need for children exists in sufficient vastness to be profitable. If it didn't, then the financial incentive wouldn't exist and these cottage industries wouldn't exist.
You can shame people all you want, and maybe it makes you feel better, but it's not going to solve the actual problem.
posted by corb at 8:08 AM on October 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
I would like it if we could blame the system and not the victims. Foster-to-adopt is the enemy here. If I am not mistaken it grafts another agenda on the original foster model.
There are evil baby stealers and grifters who weaponized this. There are also families that are told they are doing something good. They invest years to a human being with the prize dangled out there - not in a stewardship role, but given the parental role.
Please tell me that the blue can recognize that it aint easy to take a child from the ICU, encouraged to raise it in this model, years of very intimate contact and inclusion in larger family and community, then it gets yanked.
I know a family who did this. There is so much of yourself invested, then a relative who years later comes to claim the child. (Yes the grandma in the story is a sympathetic person and not judging the relative here.) The whole mess left a lot of grief. This fam did contest. They did not deploy any shitty tricks, they are decent people. They ultimately accepted the decision. They now feel drained by the system and would not repeat.
The story closes with this realization.
40 years ago I knew a handful of families that had foster kids. Everyone knew it was a stewardship and the energy and feelings were better aligned with the mission.
I can’t even when it comes to the amazing pressure our world puts on women to be moms - check out the Serial season on the fertitily clinic to be seriously angry. I am not anti treatment, I do want a world where women face no pressure to conceive or not to.
posted by drowsy at 8:29 AM on October 18, 2023 [9 favorites]
There are evil baby stealers and grifters who weaponized this. There are also families that are told they are doing something good. They invest years to a human being with the prize dangled out there - not in a stewardship role, but given the parental role.
Please tell me that the blue can recognize that it aint easy to take a child from the ICU, encouraged to raise it in this model, years of very intimate contact and inclusion in larger family and community, then it gets yanked.
I know a family who did this. There is so much of yourself invested, then a relative who years later comes to claim the child. (Yes the grandma in the story is a sympathetic person and not judging the relative here.) The whole mess left a lot of grief. This fam did contest. They did not deploy any shitty tricks, they are decent people. They ultimately accepted the decision. They now feel drained by the system and would not repeat.
The story closes with this realization.
40 years ago I knew a handful of families that had foster kids. Everyone knew it was a stewardship and the energy and feelings were better aligned with the mission.
I can’t even when it comes to the amazing pressure our world puts on women to be moms - check out the Serial season on the fertitily clinic to be seriously angry. I am not anti treatment, I do want a world where women face no pressure to conceive or not to.
posted by drowsy at 8:29 AM on October 18, 2023 [9 favorites]
corb, I wasn't speaking of regular adoption at all. When I said "baby stealing" I meant literal baby stealing, as discussed in this specific article (which from your wording seems to be what you were talking about too?). I'm trying to point to the perverse set of social conditions that have made literally stealing babies profitable for lawyers, morally righteous for CPS workers, and acceptable or excusable for infertile couples who want kids.
posted by MiraK at 8:47 AM on October 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by MiraK at 8:47 AM on October 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
I find it really fascinating to be saying, in the same thread about how it's not appropriate to say that people are unfit to be a parent because of X actions in their past, that *other* people are unfit to be a parent because of actions *you* disagree with.
MiraK has explained why they feel those actions make the people involved unfit to be parents. If you think that their rationale is wrong, you're welcome to rebut it - but to use the existence of their opposition to avoid addressing the content of it is just a dodge.
I would like it if we could blame the system and not the victims. Foster-to-adopt is the enemy here. If I am not mistaken it grafts another agenda on the original foster model.
In the end, systems are ultimately people as well. Part of the reason why foster-to-adopt came about is because adoptive parents were looking for another route to adoption, and addressing the model means addressing why it exists.
posted by NoxAeternum at 8:58 AM on October 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
MiraK has explained why they feel those actions make the people involved unfit to be parents. If you think that their rationale is wrong, you're welcome to rebut it - but to use the existence of their opposition to avoid addressing the content of it is just a dodge.
I would like it if we could blame the system and not the victims. Foster-to-adopt is the enemy here. If I am not mistaken it grafts another agenda on the original foster model.
In the end, systems are ultimately people as well. Part of the reason why foster-to-adopt came about is because adoptive parents were looking for another route to adoption, and addressing the model means addressing why it exists.
posted by NoxAeternum at 8:58 AM on October 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
Just to clarify: I too am leery of ever saying someone is unfit to be a parent, even in these extreme circumstances. That's why I specifically did not say that.
I'm saying these folks most urgently need psychological help, not fertility treatments. As corb put it, "[their] brain lies to itself so that it can have a child" and "[they] wind up latching onto anything". People with such severe mental health issues that they see nothing wrong with stealing someone else's baby are not in any shape to take on a parenting role - but with help to get over those mental health issues, they would be.
My position here is the opposite of saying someone is categorically unfit to be a parent. Many here are people who grew up with parents who were severely mentally ill, and all of us know that what we needed was... for our parents to be treated - not for us to be snatched away from our families! I wonder how many articles like the OP could be written about parents with mental health conditions who have been permanently stripped of parenthood. Physically makes me shudder to think about it.
posted by MiraK at 9:16 AM on October 18, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm saying these folks most urgently need psychological help, not fertility treatments. As corb put it, "[their] brain lies to itself so that it can have a child" and "[they] wind up latching onto anything". People with such severe mental health issues that they see nothing wrong with stealing someone else's baby are not in any shape to take on a parenting role - but with help to get over those mental health issues, they would be.
My position here is the opposite of saying someone is categorically unfit to be a parent. Many here are people who grew up with parents who were severely mentally ill, and all of us know that what we needed was... for our parents to be treated - not for us to be snatched away from our families! I wonder how many articles like the OP could be written about parents with mental health conditions who have been permanently stripped of parenthood. Physically makes me shudder to think about it.
posted by MiraK at 9:16 AM on October 18, 2023 [2 favorites]
how it's not appropriate to say that people are unfit to be a parent because of X actions in their past, that *other* people are unfit to be a parent because of actions *you* disagree with.
I personally cannot challenge the initial decision to put the baby into foster care, given how the parents were living. Many removals for neglect are removals for poverty, but, while the parents' situation certainly would've been easier with more money, they still left the baby alone in the NICU and went home and did a bunch of meth. The point is that, given a chance and some support, they were able to get their acts together to the point that the presumption that a child belongs with their birth parents should apply again. I don't see evidence that the would-be adopters have learned a damn thing.
Yes, it's almost impossible to take care of a wee precious little guy for a year without growing attached. That's (one of the reasons) why fostering is not for everyone. It's a beautiful sacrifice you're making, but it is a sacrifice. You have to go in with that understanding, not with the idea that it's a back door to getting a child.
posted by praemunire at 9:37 AM on October 18, 2023 [8 favorites]
I personally cannot challenge the initial decision to put the baby into foster care, given how the parents were living. Many removals for neglect are removals for poverty, but, while the parents' situation certainly would've been easier with more money, they still left the baby alone in the NICU and went home and did a bunch of meth. The point is that, given a chance and some support, they were able to get their acts together to the point that the presumption that a child belongs with their birth parents should apply again. I don't see evidence that the would-be adopters have learned a damn thing.
Yes, it's almost impossible to take care of a wee precious little guy for a year without growing attached. That's (one of the reasons) why fostering is not for everyone. It's a beautiful sacrifice you're making, but it is a sacrifice. You have to go in with that understanding, not with the idea that it's a back door to getting a child.
posted by praemunire at 9:37 AM on October 18, 2023 [8 favorites]
Affording fertility treatment isn't the issue here. They spent 32 thousand dollars on that lawyer!
posted by being_quiet at 10:37 AM on October 18, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by being_quiet at 10:37 AM on October 18, 2023 [7 favorites]
I started this article yesterday and finished it today, and boy was I stressed in the interim. I think there's such a beautiful story in there about the birth parents overcoming so many odds and personal struggles, and coming out so well adjusted - the empathy Alicia is able to access at the end! I was really inspired by that. It's so understandable that the foster parents, with so much love and dedication, ended up with a wrong-headed assumption about the best thing for Carter, reinforced by all these authorities and a predatory lawyer, and just went so far down an unfortunate road. I feel a lot of compassion for everyone involved at that level.
Do you ever read a story like this and wonder what it must be like to be, say, Diane Baird reading it? I mean she is vilified in a way the lawyer isn't, I think. She definitely... thought she was doing the right thing, right? Does she have a community around her reinforcing her beliefs? Did she think this article would say something different? I mean, she sat for the photograph! Does an article like this ever change the villain's mind? I think a lot about restorative justice these days and I just wonder what would be possible if she came out and said, I thought one thing and now I realize I was wrong.
And like... I'm not separating parents and kids, but how am I the Diane Baird in my own life? Walking around with a story that I'm doing good work - why the heck else would you get into social work, I mean seriously - not understanding all the prejudice, burnout, stress, biases, confusion, assumptions, personal trauma, etc. I'm bringing to that work, not realizing the damage I'm doing? Not even trying to understand or realize? Doubling down when I'm challenged in any way? I'm not saying I'm afraid anyone will write a probing article about me being complicit in an evil system but... am I? (yes obviously) (it's so easy to be) (we're all so tired and in pain and confused)
The last time I read an article like this, around 12 years ago, I became a Big Sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters. My little sister was/is so cool. I still think it was a good sideways option to be a presence in a kid's life when they may need another adult on their team. But of course I found, like I'm sure all foster parents do, that we bring all our own weird stuff even when we're trying to help!
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 12:16 PM on October 18, 2023 [12 favorites]
Do you ever read a story like this and wonder what it must be like to be, say, Diane Baird reading it? I mean she is vilified in a way the lawyer isn't, I think. She definitely... thought she was doing the right thing, right? Does she have a community around her reinforcing her beliefs? Did she think this article would say something different? I mean, she sat for the photograph! Does an article like this ever change the villain's mind? I think a lot about restorative justice these days and I just wonder what would be possible if she came out and said, I thought one thing and now I realize I was wrong.
And like... I'm not separating parents and kids, but how am I the Diane Baird in my own life? Walking around with a story that I'm doing good work - why the heck else would you get into social work, I mean seriously - not understanding all the prejudice, burnout, stress, biases, confusion, assumptions, personal trauma, etc. I'm bringing to that work, not realizing the damage I'm doing? Not even trying to understand or realize? Doubling down when I'm challenged in any way? I'm not saying I'm afraid anyone will write a probing article about me being complicit in an evil system but... am I? (yes obviously) (it's so easy to be) (we're all so tired and in pain and confused)
The last time I read an article like this, around 12 years ago, I became a Big Sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters. My little sister was/is so cool. I still think it was a good sideways option to be a presence in a kid's life when they may need another adult on their team. But of course I found, like I'm sure all foster parents do, that we bring all our own weird stuff even when we're trying to help!
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 12:16 PM on October 18, 2023 [12 favorites]
She definitely... thought she was doing the right thing, right?
Yes, and CS Lewis famously explained why that makes her so very dangerous:
Yes, and CS Lewis famously explained why that makes her so very dangerous:
Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.posted by NoxAeternum at 3:55 PM on October 18, 2023 [4 favorites]
She definitely... thought she was doing the right thing, right?
People offer this up as an excuse with some frequency. While it's generally better than deliberately doing the wrong thing, and sometimes you are mistaken through no fault of your own, accepting it as an excuse is often to treat the person's priors as like weather they have no control over. You don't get to "it's okay to take these people's baby away even though they're complying with the court orders" without believing some other ugly things first. Just like you don't jump from purely apolitical to "the 2020 election was stolen by the globalist cabal" overnight.
posted by praemunire at 6:39 PM on October 18, 2023 [2 favorites]
People offer this up as an excuse with some frequency. While it's generally better than deliberately doing the wrong thing, and sometimes you are mistaken through no fault of your own, accepting it as an excuse is often to treat the person's priors as like weather they have no control over. You don't get to "it's okay to take these people's baby away even though they're complying with the court orders" without believing some other ugly things first. Just like you don't jump from purely apolitical to "the 2020 election was stolen by the globalist cabal" overnight.
posted by praemunire at 6:39 PM on October 18, 2023 [2 favorites]
accepting it as an excuse is often to treat the person's priors as like weather they have no control over.
Oh totally. My comment wasn’t intended as an excuse for her behavior by any means. I don’t think there is an excuse. I think ugly is probably a very good word for a lot of the underpinning stuff in this scenario - classism, ableism, savior complex, etc. I was curious about the complexity of those conditions, about how the system produces the people like her, what it would take to change her mind, whether she reads this article and sees any of her mistakes, like has that ever happened for anyone ever?, and really, how I may be bringing some of the same ugly stuff (to a lesser degree) to my own work because I’m too tired, set in my ways, and even sometimes judgmental to examine it.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 8:39 PM on October 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
Oh totally. My comment wasn’t intended as an excuse for her behavior by any means. I don’t think there is an excuse. I think ugly is probably a very good word for a lot of the underpinning stuff in this scenario - classism, ableism, savior complex, etc. I was curious about the complexity of those conditions, about how the system produces the people like her, what it would take to change her mind, whether she reads this article and sees any of her mistakes, like has that ever happened for anyone ever?, and really, how I may be bringing some of the same ugly stuff (to a lesser degree) to my own work because I’m too tired, set in my ways, and even sometimes judgmental to examine it.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 8:39 PM on October 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
Didn't Javert think he was a good guy doing the right thing?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:55 PM on October 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:55 PM on October 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
She definitely... thought she was doing the right thing, right?
I think what people mostly want to hear is that they're a good person. She may well be, regardless of her actions here.
But actually someone doing the wrong thing because they think it's the right thing is at least as bad as someone doing the wrong thing and knowing it's wrong. Someone who thinks they're doing the right thing is generally building that on incorrect assumptions that are difficult to challenge and may be foundational beliefs that they actively resist challenging. This means that they can be very very hard to stop. And if someone is doing the wrong thing, then the most important outcome is getting them to stop.
posted by plonkee at 3:53 AM on October 19, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think what people mostly want to hear is that they're a good person. She may well be, regardless of her actions here.
But actually someone doing the wrong thing because they think it's the right thing is at least as bad as someone doing the wrong thing and knowing it's wrong. Someone who thinks they're doing the right thing is generally building that on incorrect assumptions that are difficult to challenge and may be foundational beliefs that they actively resist challenging. This means that they can be very very hard to stop. And if someone is doing the wrong thing, then the most important outcome is getting them to stop.
posted by plonkee at 3:53 AM on October 19, 2023 [2 favorites]
The foster care system has so much wrong with it. My husband and I have discussed fostering many times in our lives, and went through some of the initial screening a while back. The catch-22 for me has always been that I know family reunification should be the goal and I’m not sure how well I would handle it. Plus just that question of “can I handle it” at all, like…imagine ending a placement because you couldn’t handle it. What would that do to the kid??
After becoming more aware of the racism and colonialism baked in here in Canada I gave up on the idea.
But I do wonder who says yes. Being on a mission from God helps I think, if you believe God doesn’t give you more than you can handle (a belief I cannot relate to.) I couldn’t finish the article because I always sort of end up sitting with the idea that those who believe they can often couldn’t, and maybe people like me should. Meanwhile, the system eats up kids and families.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:23 AM on October 19, 2023 [6 favorites]
After becoming more aware of the racism and colonialism baked in here in Canada I gave up on the idea.
But I do wonder who says yes. Being on a mission from God helps I think, if you believe God doesn’t give you more than you can handle (a belief I cannot relate to.) I couldn’t finish the article because I always sort of end up sitting with the idea that those who believe they can often couldn’t, and maybe people like me should. Meanwhile, the system eats up kids and families.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:23 AM on October 19, 2023 [6 favorites]
warriorqueen, can you speak a little more about why the racism and colonialism aspect made you back away from wanting to foster? Did you feel as if you want no part of that system?
Re: who says yes: I haven't said yes yet but it is the plan! I'm hoping to be a foster parent after my kids are out of the house (i.e. when I have room in the house again). I'll be fine with the reunification aspect, and though I'm also worried about not being able to handle a child after they're placed with me, I do know I have skills in this area, and this is one of the things I do best, so I feel a sense of obligation to give back to my community using these skills.
I'm well aware of the racism and other atrocities within the system but that makes me want to help the people stuck within it, not stay away from it. But that's why I'm interested in hearing your perspective - what am I not thinking of?
posted by MiraK at 6:50 AM on October 19, 2023
Re: who says yes: I haven't said yes yet but it is the plan! I'm hoping to be a foster parent after my kids are out of the house (i.e. when I have room in the house again). I'll be fine with the reunification aspect, and though I'm also worried about not being able to handle a child after they're placed with me, I do know I have skills in this area, and this is one of the things I do best, so I feel a sense of obligation to give back to my community using these skills.
I'm well aware of the racism and other atrocities within the system but that makes me want to help the people stuck within it, not stay away from it. But that's why I'm interested in hearing your perspective - what am I not thinking of?
posted by MiraK at 6:50 AM on October 19, 2023
It would be a really long post to download all my thoughts but basically in Canada, there’s a long history of oppressing and traumatizing Indigenous peoples and then judging them as not able to parent based on the problems created by that oppression. The residential school system in Canada was created specifically and explicitly to take the Indian out of the child and effect cultural genocide. (Apartheid was based in part on Canada’s “success.”)
In that system children were literally grabbed from their homes and schools and removed from their communities and dumped into residential schools with abusive, inhumane practices, and the foster care system. Their parents often did not know where they were or what happened to them and recent investigation has begun to uncover mass graves. The children who survived that system often suffer from PTSD and associated issues like addiction and poverty (the “education” they received was often subpar.) These issues have been and still are used to remove kids from their families at a rate much higher than other groups in Canada. Because of all this, kids end up being moved out of their communities into white homes.
Which mine is.
Additionally the government has not even met its basic obligations to kids in foster care, choosing protracted legal battles over simply funding care. And that’s not even addressing inequities of services available in remote and northern, and on-reserve communities. Maybe services in these communities would be money better spent than moving kids down to live with non-Indigenous families.
Also…on that note, foster care is under-funded and under-supported, depending on caregiving labour. That’s where we are and kids need care but somehow we just never have funds to do it right while we give banks tax breaks, y’know?
Finally…I really question how a “good family” is defined. As someone who was abused as a kid, I know that there are times kids should be removed. But where they end up and how that works is based in values that don’t reflect diverse ways of understanding family. As just one example, one bar family members have had to meet is having separate rooms for kids and sure…on the surface that makes sense. But many families operate differently and choosing a placement based on that has inherent bias.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:22 AM on October 19, 2023 [7 favorites]
In that system children were literally grabbed from their homes and schools and removed from their communities and dumped into residential schools with abusive, inhumane practices, and the foster care system. Their parents often did not know where they were or what happened to them and recent investigation has begun to uncover mass graves. The children who survived that system often suffer from PTSD and associated issues like addiction and poverty (the “education” they received was often subpar.) These issues have been and still are used to remove kids from their families at a rate much higher than other groups in Canada. Because of all this, kids end up being moved out of their communities into white homes.
Which mine is.
Additionally the government has not even met its basic obligations to kids in foster care, choosing protracted legal battles over simply funding care. And that’s not even addressing inequities of services available in remote and northern, and on-reserve communities. Maybe services in these communities would be money better spent than moving kids down to live with non-Indigenous families.
Also…on that note, foster care is under-funded and under-supported, depending on caregiving labour. That’s where we are and kids need care but somehow we just never have funds to do it right while we give banks tax breaks, y’know?
Finally…I really question how a “good family” is defined. As someone who was abused as a kid, I know that there are times kids should be removed. But where they end up and how that works is based in values that don’t reflect diverse ways of understanding family. As just one example, one bar family members have had to meet is having separate rooms for kids and sure…on the surface that makes sense. But many families operate differently and choosing a placement based on that has inherent bias.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:22 AM on October 19, 2023 [7 favorites]
I should note…I’m not assuming we would have an Indigenous placement but the whole system was set up in part to support that genocide.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:23 AM on October 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 7:23 AM on October 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
My wife and I are foster parents. So much of this article hit so close to home, it's possible I'm too close to objectively comment but I'll try.
We have a biological daughter we love very much, but it turns out being pregnant, giving birth, and raising an infant were not my wife's jam. And we hear so many ads about how desperate the need for foster families is. We found an organization that said they help families who are interested in foster-to-adopt.
Our foster training and licensure process pretty solidly beat the idea into our heads that we would be foster parents, full stop. Not adoptive parents, not foster-to-adopt parents. Foster parents in a system where the primary goal everyone was going to work towards was reunification with birth parents or biological family. We heard it, but in hindsight I can tell you we didn't internalize it during training.
We had a child placed with us for 14 months. They were the hardest 14 months of our lives. To not judge the biological family requires super-human humility, which I fully admit I do not posses. And yet, it was SO SO SO clear that the parents wanted the child back and the child wanted desperately to be home with dad (in our case mom and dad were separated which added a whole additional level of complex emotions).
At the end of the article one of the foster-intervening-parents is quoted “We didn’t do any of this for any reason other than to make sure that Carter has the best life,” J’Lyn told me later. “He deserves that.”
I feel that sentiment deeply in my soul. I was 100% certain that the life I could offer our foster child was better than the life the bio-family could offer. I'm not proud of that. It was an extremely judgmental, prejudiced, and classist attitude. Over the course of our time together, though, I came to understand that I was just wrong. The life I could offer wasn't the "best" possible. In the end, I understood it wasn't even "better". It's the life I want to give my bio-daughter, but it was not the life for my foster-child.
By the time the child was reunited with dad it was the best thing that could have happened for everyone involved. My daughter and I have a lot of happy memories mixed with the hard memories from those 14 months. My wife is still struggling to come to terms with the hardships and remember the good, but she got it worse from the kid all along so I understand.
And yet, we just took all the time required to renew our license. We are leaving open the possibility of trying again, and I honestly think we will, just maybe not for another couple months. (I say, as if we have much control on the timeline. We waited 8 months for our first placement the first time around).
If anyone would like to hear in greater detail I'm happy to talk more, but maybe via memail because I'd like to keep details vague here for the sake of the other family.
posted by jermsplan at 8:39 AM on October 19, 2023 [21 favorites]
We have a biological daughter we love very much, but it turns out being pregnant, giving birth, and raising an infant were not my wife's jam. And we hear so many ads about how desperate the need for foster families is. We found an organization that said they help families who are interested in foster-to-adopt.
Our foster training and licensure process pretty solidly beat the idea into our heads that we would be foster parents, full stop. Not adoptive parents, not foster-to-adopt parents. Foster parents in a system where the primary goal everyone was going to work towards was reunification with birth parents or biological family. We heard it, but in hindsight I can tell you we didn't internalize it during training.
We had a child placed with us for 14 months. They were the hardest 14 months of our lives. To not judge the biological family requires super-human humility, which I fully admit I do not posses. And yet, it was SO SO SO clear that the parents wanted the child back and the child wanted desperately to be home with dad (in our case mom and dad were separated which added a whole additional level of complex emotions).
At the end of the article one of the foster-intervening-parents is quoted “We didn’t do any of this for any reason other than to make sure that Carter has the best life,” J’Lyn told me later. “He deserves that.”
I feel that sentiment deeply in my soul. I was 100% certain that the life I could offer our foster child was better than the life the bio-family could offer. I'm not proud of that. It was an extremely judgmental, prejudiced, and classist attitude. Over the course of our time together, though, I came to understand that I was just wrong. The life I could offer wasn't the "best" possible. In the end, I understood it wasn't even "better". It's the life I want to give my bio-daughter, but it was not the life for my foster-child.
By the time the child was reunited with dad it was the best thing that could have happened for everyone involved. My daughter and I have a lot of happy memories mixed with the hard memories from those 14 months. My wife is still struggling to come to terms with the hardships and remember the good, but she got it worse from the kid all along so I understand.
And yet, we just took all the time required to renew our license. We are leaving open the possibility of trying again, and I honestly think we will, just maybe not for another couple months. (I say, as if we have much control on the timeline. We waited 8 months for our first placement the first time around).
If anyone would like to hear in greater detail I'm happy to talk more, but maybe via memail because I'd like to keep details vague here for the sake of the other family.
posted by jermsplan at 8:39 AM on October 19, 2023 [21 favorites]
Thank you for you comment jermsplan. Stirred my soul. Flagged as fantastic.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 8:49 AM on October 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 8:49 AM on October 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
> Over the course of our time together, though, I came to understand that I was just wrong. The life I could offer wasn't the "best" possible. In the end, I understood it wasn't even "better". It's the life I want to give my bio-daughter, but it was not the life for my foster-child.
Your wisdom and your heart... so incredibly moving! Thank you jermsplan. I, for one, would love to hear more non-identifying details. For example, can you talk about a few ways in which those 14 months were hard, and why your wife had the most trying experience?
posted by MiraK at 11:08 AM on October 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
Your wisdom and your heart... so incredibly moving! Thank you jermsplan. I, for one, would love to hear more non-identifying details. For example, can you talk about a few ways in which those 14 months were hard, and why your wife had the most trying experience?
posted by MiraK at 11:08 AM on October 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
jermsplan, thank you. Your nuance, your openness, your self-reflection is so appreciated. I struggle a lot with the concept of adoption and all its complexities… fostering faces many similar challenges, and foster-to-adopt really turns the complexity dial up to 11. You express more clearly than anyone I’ve seen that incredible tension between the predominant narrative that, “this will better the child’s life” and the on-the-ground reality that better is such a difficult term to untangle.
At times, I’ve felt very lonely in that space. The cultural narrative around adoption and fostering is so strong; I understand how the fostering family got swept up in it. Thank you for so clearly describing the emotional and moral landscape you saw. It’s so affirming to me. Peace and strength for your family.
posted by lilac girl at 9:23 PM on October 19, 2023 [2 favorites]
At times, I’ve felt very lonely in that space. The cultural narrative around adoption and fostering is so strong; I understand how the fostering family got swept up in it. Thank you for so clearly describing the emotional and moral landscape you saw. It’s so affirming to me. Peace and strength for your family.
posted by lilac girl at 9:23 PM on October 19, 2023 [2 favorites]
Thanks for the kind words everyone.
During our placement my wife and I often felt either abandoned by "the system" that was supposed to be helping, or even down right undermined by it. As I was reading the article I though that if we'd had an enthusiastic advocate who was not only on our side but was PUSHING for what we wanted I can only imagine how that would have assured us we were doing the right thing, so in that respect I feel for the foster parents in the story.
And we fostered a child who was old enough to express a clear interest in going back to bio-family. A baby wouldn't so clearly be able to do that. At which point you're only having to discount the feelings of people who have "screwed up" in one way or another to "deserve" having their child taken from them in the first place (sometimes absolutely necessary, sometimes........).
And yet. My heart just hurts. I desperately wish more folks (yes I mean affluent white people, which I am, but all people I suppose) would get outside their comfort zones and spend some real time with people who look different or live different or speak different.
To those of you who have been thinking about fostering but aren't sure you're right or you're strong enough to deal with the potential hardships it will bring on you and yours: I would say you are exactly the right kind of person to think about it. I worry more about the person who sees themselves as a savior and absolutely right for the job. Keep thinking about it, but it is A LOT and please never feel bad for deciding it's not right for you and your family.
posted by jermsplan at 9:26 AM on October 20, 2023 [6 favorites]
During our placement my wife and I often felt either abandoned by "the system" that was supposed to be helping, or even down right undermined by it. As I was reading the article I though that if we'd had an enthusiastic advocate who was not only on our side but was PUSHING for what we wanted I can only imagine how that would have assured us we were doing the right thing, so in that respect I feel for the foster parents in the story.
And we fostered a child who was old enough to express a clear interest in going back to bio-family. A baby wouldn't so clearly be able to do that. At which point you're only having to discount the feelings of people who have "screwed up" in one way or another to "deserve" having their child taken from them in the first place (sometimes absolutely necessary, sometimes........).
And yet. My heart just hurts. I desperately wish more folks (yes I mean affluent white people, which I am, but all people I suppose) would get outside their comfort zones and spend some real time with people who look different or live different or speak different.
To those of you who have been thinking about fostering but aren't sure you're right or you're strong enough to deal with the potential hardships it will bring on you and yours: I would say you are exactly the right kind of person to think about it. I worry more about the person who sees themselves as a savior and absolutely right for the job. Keep thinking about it, but it is A LOT and please never feel bad for deciding it's not right for you and your family.
posted by jermsplan at 9:26 AM on October 20, 2023 [6 favorites]
My mother grew up on a farm in a small town in the northeast Netherlands in the 1940's and 50's. Her parents were farmers, as were their parents before them. My mother does not seem to have been particularly well-liked by her own mother, and she got scolded for all sorts of things. At dinner she was scolded for being overweight. When my mother ate less, she was scolded for ruining the atmosphere at the dinner table. She was just not well-liked. She did well in school, and graduated from the local gymnasium with high marks, but she wasn't well-liked.
In her twenties, my mother moved from the rural periphery to the city. There she started studying while doing odd jobs. Travel guide, waitress, that sort of thing. She met a jazz musician from the US, a Black guy from the US of A. They had a fling, and she became pregnant. The guy disappeared.
There was then (as there is now) a lot of stigma attached to being a single mother. After my mother got pregnant, her parents wanted nothing more to do with her, while doctors and midwives scolded her for being irresponsible. In so far as abortion was an option, it was frowned upon, and the pregnancy professionals made sure my mother understood that to get an abortion was, in a way, to compound the mistakes she'd already made. I think that was part of the reason why my mother decided to keep the child. I think she must also just have felt a lot of love for the child.
As the pregnancy matured, my mother's situation became increasingly precarious. At some point she could no longer work, and there was little in the way of a support network, with her family being far away and not approving of the situation in any case. The pregnancy professionals began pressuring my mother to give the child up for adoption, until at some point she acquiesced into signing a piece of paper that said she would. During this time she met a man who became an important source of support, and he drove her to the hospital when she went into labor.
After delivering the baby, my mother decided she wanted to retain custody after all, and it turned into a legal battle. The prospective adoptive parents went to court and got a psychiatrist to declare my mother legally insane, and therefore unfit to care for a child. Bizarrely, the psychiatrist never actually spoke to my mother. I guess he just looked at the dossier, figured that the child would be better off not being raised by a single mother, and to that end declared her legally insane.
(Decades later, my mother tracked down the psychiatrist. She'd found his address in the yellow pages, I think, and they had one conversation. Maybe over the phone, or maybe she accosted him at his home — she can be forward like that. He was long retired and didn't really remember, of course, and anyway, things had turned out alright, had they not?)
My mother lost custody of the child, and having been declared legally insane, it was going to be nigh impossible to appeal the decision. And honestly, you know, I think the legality of it all is irrelevant to some extent. The way things played out, with the demonization of the single mother and the sanctification of the adoptive parents, the pressure from doctors and family, the racism, the misogyny: this was simply the "Appian Way" that society had laid out for people like my mother. It was simply what you were expected to do. I mean, to be absolutely blunt: the expectation was for white woman to never enter into relations with "coloreds". But if you did, then this was the fair, 'humane', and equitable outcome. With special thanks to the adoptive parents who so unselfishly help straighten out these "colored" messes! Bless their hearts.
Growing up, I noticed my mother was given to moods. Frequently she would abruptly withdraw into some ice-cold igloo of hurt, and stare off into the distance for minutes at a time, before suddenly returning equally abruptly, flashing a terrible frozen smile. She eventually got married to the man who had driven her to the hospital during her first pregnancy. He was a black man, who had traveled by boat from the overseas colonies all the way to the capital, in order to study law. My mother's parents were, again, horrified that my mother was having another child by another black man, and for years they weren't on speaking terms. But this man eventually became a practicing lawyer, and the kid grew up to be me.
Years and years later, at some family function, my grandparents made a public apology to my father. But I don't think they, or anyone for that matter, ever apologized to my mother.
(I apologize for the length.)
posted by dmh at 6:31 AM on October 21, 2023 [11 favorites]
In her twenties, my mother moved from the rural periphery to the city. There she started studying while doing odd jobs. Travel guide, waitress, that sort of thing. She met a jazz musician from the US, a Black guy from the US of A. They had a fling, and she became pregnant. The guy disappeared.
There was then (as there is now) a lot of stigma attached to being a single mother. After my mother got pregnant, her parents wanted nothing more to do with her, while doctors and midwives scolded her for being irresponsible. In so far as abortion was an option, it was frowned upon, and the pregnancy professionals made sure my mother understood that to get an abortion was, in a way, to compound the mistakes she'd already made. I think that was part of the reason why my mother decided to keep the child. I think she must also just have felt a lot of love for the child.
As the pregnancy matured, my mother's situation became increasingly precarious. At some point she could no longer work, and there was little in the way of a support network, with her family being far away and not approving of the situation in any case. The pregnancy professionals began pressuring my mother to give the child up for adoption, until at some point she acquiesced into signing a piece of paper that said she would. During this time she met a man who became an important source of support, and he drove her to the hospital when she went into labor.
After delivering the baby, my mother decided she wanted to retain custody after all, and it turned into a legal battle. The prospective adoptive parents went to court and got a psychiatrist to declare my mother legally insane, and therefore unfit to care for a child. Bizarrely, the psychiatrist never actually spoke to my mother. I guess he just looked at the dossier, figured that the child would be better off not being raised by a single mother, and to that end declared her legally insane.
(Decades later, my mother tracked down the psychiatrist. She'd found his address in the yellow pages, I think, and they had one conversation. Maybe over the phone, or maybe she accosted him at his home — she can be forward like that. He was long retired and didn't really remember, of course, and anyway, things had turned out alright, had they not?)
My mother lost custody of the child, and having been declared legally insane, it was going to be nigh impossible to appeal the decision. And honestly, you know, I think the legality of it all is irrelevant to some extent. The way things played out, with the demonization of the single mother and the sanctification of the adoptive parents, the pressure from doctors and family, the racism, the misogyny: this was simply the "Appian Way" that society had laid out for people like my mother. It was simply what you were expected to do. I mean, to be absolutely blunt: the expectation was for white woman to never enter into relations with "coloreds". But if you did, then this was the fair, 'humane', and equitable outcome. With special thanks to the adoptive parents who so unselfishly help straighten out these "colored" messes! Bless their hearts.
Growing up, I noticed my mother was given to moods. Frequently she would abruptly withdraw into some ice-cold igloo of hurt, and stare off into the distance for minutes at a time, before suddenly returning equally abruptly, flashing a terrible frozen smile. She eventually got married to the man who had driven her to the hospital during her first pregnancy. He was a black man, who had traveled by boat from the overseas colonies all the way to the capital, in order to study law. My mother's parents were, again, horrified that my mother was having another child by another black man, and for years they weren't on speaking terms. But this man eventually became a practicing lawyer, and the kid grew up to be me.
Years and years later, at some family function, my grandparents made a public apology to my father. But I don't think they, or anyone for that matter, ever apologized to my mother.
(I apologize for the length.)
posted by dmh at 6:31 AM on October 21, 2023 [11 favorites]
dmh, flagged your comment as fantastic, for bringing to the forefront the coercion and the emotional damage resulting from being pressured to give one's own child to people deemed as more deserving. Deemed such by society at large, and even by one's own parents.
My birth mother went through this too. Her mother also never apologized for sending her to a locked unwed mothers' home where she was literally a prisoner who had to grow her own food and could not leave until she went into labor with me. Now they 75 and 100 years old. My grandmother doesn't remember exactly who her daughter is. But she hasn't forgotten how to shame her 75 year-old daughter, because of her body. Which is code for "you're too voluptuous and tempting--it's no wonder you had sex before marriage in 1968 and embarrassed me and forced me to do this to you."
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:56 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
My birth mother went through this too. Her mother also never apologized for sending her to a locked unwed mothers' home where she was literally a prisoner who had to grow her own food and could not leave until she went into labor with me. Now they 75 and 100 years old. My grandmother doesn't remember exactly who her daughter is. But she hasn't forgotten how to shame her 75 year-old daughter, because of her body. Which is code for "you're too voluptuous and tempting--it's no wonder you had sex before marriage in 1968 and embarrassed me and forced me to do this to you."
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:56 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
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That was a great play, to FOIA the spending. Make everyone realize how much they were working towards an outcome for the connected family, make it very clear how bad it would then break for everyone involved on that end (and is apparently still breaking, given the investigating report).
I'd hope the CO Bar takes an interest in the "Pioneer of Intervenors" too.
posted by Slackermagee at 10:30 AM on October 17, 2023 [2 favorites]