Well, you know you can't take it with you
May 23, 2024 7:46 AM Subscribe
What Should You Do with Your Stuff before You Die? (slTheWalrus)
The stuff you don't get rid of will either be thrown out, sold in an estate sale or collected and treasured (or endured) by surviving family and friends. It is certainly a kind thing to do for those who will tend to your estate to reduce the amount of useless stuff they will need to deal with. My dad was terrified that his stuff was going to be thrown in the trash and with it the evidence of his existence, and so he gave as much as he could to me. Some of it I treasure - the old family photos, mostly, and a bunch of his vinyl records - but a lot of it is just in my basement. Boxes of model trains, way too much railroad silverware, my grandmother's fine China which I'll never use. He's gone now, so I suppose I can just get rid of those items.
What I hope to leave behind when I die is mostly photos, writings and music.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:22 AM on May 23 [16 favorites]
What I hope to leave behind when I die is mostly photos, writings and music.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:22 AM on May 23 [16 favorites]
This article reminds me of a compelling episode of Errol Morris’s ‘First Person’ series, a crime scene cleaner shares her background. Surprisingly, if someone commits suicide, the police are not responsible for cleaning up the aftermath.
https://youtu.be/N_BgmcnNeEY?si=UA3I3N1BS1aK0Efe
posted by rageagainsttherobots at 8:25 AM on May 23 [1 favorite]
https://youtu.be/N_BgmcnNeEY?si=UA3I3N1BS1aK0Efe
posted by rageagainsttherobots at 8:25 AM on May 23 [1 favorite]
When my brother and I were left with the empty house after my father passed away (a few short years after my mother passed) I became much more conscious of all of this "stuff" around us..... how it's all just stuff in the end and someone else is left with the mess, for better or worse.
I do think getting your house in order while you age is a very kind thing to do for the inevitable but also people are messy in life, so it follows that they don't have tidy ends either.
posted by djseafood at 8:25 AM on May 23 [6 favorites]
I do think getting your house in order while you age is a very kind thing to do for the inevitable but also people are messy in life, so it follows that they don't have tidy ends either.
posted by djseafood at 8:25 AM on May 23 [6 favorites]
Seeing as I'm in my mid 40s there's a lot in here that resonated. I've often wondered, what will happen to my book/zine/comic collection. I don't have kids. Is someone going to care, maybe look after it, or will it just be a chore for someone to box it all up and recycle it. Same question for my other little archives of vintage electronics, dead media formats, and a lifetime's worth of tools for small electronics repair and woodworking.... sigh. Thanks for the read and the food for thought.
posted by signsofrain at 8:27 AM on May 23 [5 favorites]
posted by signsofrain at 8:27 AM on May 23 [5 favorites]
I married into a family heirloom family. My MIL has been trying to foist various objects on us for years. The thing is, my husband and I do not want them or need them. We've been trying to downsize--with varying degrees of success--ourselves. Like, my family moved around so much so we don't have anything really in the way of heirlooms. (All I want from my mom when she's gone is the cast iron round griddle she used my entire life for making tortillas.)
We've tried convincing her to donate these things to church rummage sales but this never goes over well. Of her three children, not many have room in their lives for these china sets/old toys/you name it. She can take it as a slight if no one wants them.
posted by Kitteh at 8:29 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]
We've tried convincing her to donate these things to church rummage sales but this never goes over well. Of her three children, not many have room in their lives for these china sets/old toys/you name it. She can take it as a slight if no one wants them.
posted by Kitteh at 8:29 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]
I've often wondered, what will happen to my book/zine/comic collection. I don't have kids. Is someone going to care, maybe look after it, or will it just be a chore for someone to box it all up and recycle it
I also don't have kids. I think the best thing any of us can do is be kind and helpful to our neighbors, friends and loved ones, and to try and have a positive impact on the lives of others. We are not the things we have, but the actions we take.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:32 AM on May 23 [11 favorites]
I also don't have kids. I think the best thing any of us can do is be kind and helpful to our neighbors, friends and loved ones, and to try and have a positive impact on the lives of others. We are not the things we have, but the actions we take.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:32 AM on May 23 [11 favorites]
I am content that the stuff I leave behind will be promptly combed through in the scavenger phase of the post-collapse. I'm sure most of it will be dismissed as worthless junk. I doubt there's even a single bottle cap in the house.
posted by notoriety public at 8:47 AM on May 23 [15 favorites]
posted by notoriety public at 8:47 AM on May 23 [15 favorites]
Oh hai, I’ve got eight boxes of this stuff in my living room.
This part resonated so much:
… you start to realize that the rest of your life—which once seemed like an endless banquet of days in which anything was possible—is a little more limited, year by year. And you have to start choosing: Which of these possibilities is most important, and which path will you take?
The experience of watching my parents dwindle since 2020 has really cast this into sharp relief. Based on my family history I probably only have about fifteen years of life left in which I can realistically hope for good health and relative freedom. Do I want to spend it as I am spending it? Are the frustrations I am wrestling with the right ones? What about the joys? I’m so fortunate that my family is still firmly in the joy column but letting go of things and people that are not is not easy. But if I want to retool at all, well, the clock is ticking.
It’s also tricky to think about retirement savings through this lens. I’ve been fortunate to be able to do what one is meant to do in the American system (put money away and pretend it is not there) but I feel some skepticism about whether that fact is actually going to make a good retirement possible, given my family history and the dire climate possibilities ahead.
posted by eirias at 8:49 AM on May 23 [17 favorites]
This part resonated so much:
… you start to realize that the rest of your life—which once seemed like an endless banquet of days in which anything was possible—is a little more limited, year by year. And you have to start choosing: Which of these possibilities is most important, and which path will you take?
The experience of watching my parents dwindle since 2020 has really cast this into sharp relief. Based on my family history I probably only have about fifteen years of life left in which I can realistically hope for good health and relative freedom. Do I want to spend it as I am spending it? Are the frustrations I am wrestling with the right ones? What about the joys? I’m so fortunate that my family is still firmly in the joy column but letting go of things and people that are not is not easy. But if I want to retool at all, well, the clock is ticking.
It’s also tricky to think about retirement savings through this lens. I’ve been fortunate to be able to do what one is meant to do in the American system (put money away and pretend it is not there) but I feel some skepticism about whether that fact is actually going to make a good retirement possible, given my family history and the dire climate possibilities ahead.
posted by eirias at 8:49 AM on May 23 [17 favorites]
hello, who dis
hello its me, midlife crisis
oh
posted by lalochezia at 8:58 AM on May 23 [17 favorites]
hello its me, midlife crisis
oh
posted by lalochezia at 8:58 AM on May 23 [17 favorites]
This particular paragraph hit me with full force:
Travel, too, becomes defined by what your time will allow: it seems delightfully feasible to see dozens of countries when you’re young (and the possibility of a lottery win is still ahead of you). Then one day you realize that you probably won’t ever get to see India after all, and the chance you’ll swim off the coast of Australia is shrinking year by year. There are only so many trips remaining that will fit your budget and the time span over which that budget must stretch. I am quite certain I will return several more times to my favourite local camping sites or to the Gulf Islands, which are only a ferry ride away, and I am sure I’ll see the far side of Canada at least one more time, if not two. But London? Miami? Tokyo? Maybe not.
I have begun to view "exotic" travel as something that will likely not happen. It's not from lack of desire to see All The Things; it's from many perspectives: money, elderly parental obligations/care, to name a couple. I sometimes feel an urgency to travel to places I'd love to see because I am currently healthy, but that continued health is no guarantee.
posted by Kitteh at 9:06 AM on May 23 [17 favorites]
Travel, too, becomes defined by what your time will allow: it seems delightfully feasible to see dozens of countries when you’re young (and the possibility of a lottery win is still ahead of you). Then one day you realize that you probably won’t ever get to see India after all, and the chance you’ll swim off the coast of Australia is shrinking year by year. There are only so many trips remaining that will fit your budget and the time span over which that budget must stretch. I am quite certain I will return several more times to my favourite local camping sites or to the Gulf Islands, which are only a ferry ride away, and I am sure I’ll see the far side of Canada at least one more time, if not two. But London? Miami? Tokyo? Maybe not.
I have begun to view "exotic" travel as something that will likely not happen. It's not from lack of desire to see All The Things; it's from many perspectives: money, elderly parental obligations/care, to name a couple. I sometimes feel an urgency to travel to places I'd love to see because I am currently healthy, but that continued health is no guarantee.
posted by Kitteh at 9:06 AM on May 23 [17 favorites]
We are not family heirloom people, like, at all. I know exactly what things I want of my mother's and even those are not really heirloom quality things. She has a big Corningware casserole dish that I want, and a really old hand blender from before hand blenders had to be 'safe' so it's awesome. Pretty much everything else can just go. I'm sure I'd end up keeping a few personal things like the gold necklace she wears every day but they aren't the things I really think about.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:13 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 9:13 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
My dad recently passed away and his house was in the best possible state and it was still a lot of stuff. While rehoming it all it struck me that we spend the first half of our lives amassing vast amounts of stuff and the second half wondering what to do with it all.
How much better off would we all be if we weren't constantly told to collect, buy, save and cherish things?
posted by MadMadam at 9:16 AM on May 23 [16 favorites]
How much better off would we all be if we weren't constantly told to collect, buy, save and cherish things?
posted by MadMadam at 9:16 AM on May 23 [16 favorites]
Most of my stuff will go pretty quickly in a yard sale but there are a few things that have meaning to me that I've framed or have in little displays with typewritten cards with brief stories affixed with rubber cement so they look like artifacts from a forgotten museum. I think think they will dig that.
posted by snsranch at 9:21 AM on May 23 [9 favorites]
posted by snsranch at 9:21 AM on May 23 [9 favorites]
I've been through this process with my grandparents' generation, and will be going through it with my parents' generation in probably twenty years. My last surviving grandparents were not hoarders, but were children of the Depression and so never really wanted to part with anything, and died with a full house and with a lot of cash in the bank. The investments were divided up and 98% of the stuff in their house was junked. In some cases it was sad, but what am I going to do with three solid wood, hand carved china cabinets? I don't own a piece of china and never will. Off they went to Goodwill.
Anyway, that was how they lived their lives and that was their right, but the impact on my parents was very much the opposite: they've declared their intent to die with as little material possessions as possible, and make sure that any truly valuable heirlooms and additional investments are passed on well in advance of their passing. They are converts to the "give with a warm hand" style that I think resonates with the article.
Our family is pretty tight knit and we put a lot of importance on continuity and history, so heirlooms are absolutely a thing (we have some incredible ones going back more than two hundred years). And there is a large enough generation after mine that will be able to pass them on. But we collectively decided on the few items that we will treat as heirlooms and made sure we documented them appropriately. They have made it clear that anything else left over can be junked.
posted by fortitude25 at 9:24 AM on May 23 [6 favorites]
Anyway, that was how they lived their lives and that was their right, but the impact on my parents was very much the opposite: they've declared their intent to die with as little material possessions as possible, and make sure that any truly valuable heirlooms and additional investments are passed on well in advance of their passing. They are converts to the "give with a warm hand" style that I think resonates with the article.
Our family is pretty tight knit and we put a lot of importance on continuity and history, so heirlooms are absolutely a thing (we have some incredible ones going back more than two hundred years). And there is a large enough generation after mine that will be able to pass them on. But we collectively decided on the few items that we will treat as heirlooms and made sure we documented them appropriately. They have made it clear that anything else left over can be junked.
posted by fortitude25 at 9:24 AM on May 23 [6 favorites]
As a longtime board game thrifter/seller/player/collector, I have thousands of games. When I nearly died at the end of 2022, it really showed me what a potential burden I was going to leave when I leave. Don't want to do that, but also still can't just discard them...
posted by Windopaene at 9:25 AM on May 23 [7 favorites]
posted by Windopaene at 9:25 AM on May 23 [7 favorites]
How efficient are estate sales? From the point of view of the inheritor, if an estate sale is reasonably efficient and cost effective, I'd want to let them take care of my parents' stuff rather than spend my own time sorting through material objects. My only guilt is about throwing away things that someone could use.
posted by splitpeasoup at 9:29 AM on May 23
posted by splitpeasoup at 9:29 AM on May 23
God it's enough of an endless war just keeping my mother from giving me NEW things; I cannot imagine what it will be like when she starts trying to give me her stuff.
Our family has nothing of actual value and never will; we kids do all right for ourselves relative to many but all of our surplus goes to keeping the elder generation barely afloat. Anything "nice" we have was purchased in this new era of even-expensive-things-are-trash so none of it will survive us. And none of us have similar tastes really. I'd imagine we would all just want something from the departed person's everyday. All I have from my dad are two coffee mugs, a handkerchief, and a Cubs hat, which it turns out is pretty sufficient. The mugs get daily use, the handkerchief ties back my hair when I am baking.
That said, when my grandmother died my aunt was delighted to give me her china, which I thought was absolutely hideous but I didn't have the heart to turn it down. It stayed packed in boxes in 5 different apartments until I accidentally unpacked it here, and found, to my utter surprise, that I fucking love it now and think it is gorgeous. In conclusion, heirlooms are a land of contrasts.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:37 AM on May 23 [34 favorites]
Our family has nothing of actual value and never will; we kids do all right for ourselves relative to many but all of our surplus goes to keeping the elder generation barely afloat. Anything "nice" we have was purchased in this new era of even-expensive-things-are-trash so none of it will survive us. And none of us have similar tastes really. I'd imagine we would all just want something from the departed person's everyday. All I have from my dad are two coffee mugs, a handkerchief, and a Cubs hat, which it turns out is pretty sufficient. The mugs get daily use, the handkerchief ties back my hair when I am baking.
That said, when my grandmother died my aunt was delighted to give me her china, which I thought was absolutely hideous but I didn't have the heart to turn it down. It stayed packed in boxes in 5 different apartments until I accidentally unpacked it here, and found, to my utter surprise, that I fucking love it now and think it is gorgeous. In conclusion, heirlooms are a land of contrasts.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:37 AM on May 23 [34 favorites]
I can't stand antiques, collectables, knickknacks, anything people own mainly for the sake of owning. My clothes fit on a couple of shelves. I have one pair of shoes. I don't even have family pictures. I have books, but not collectable stuff, just well-worn copies for reading and annotating, books I still have because I read books more than once and I talk to myself in the margins. I don't do bucket list stuff. When I kick my own bucket, everything I have can go in the trash or be given away as far as I'm concerned. Then set me on fire. One last smoke.
posted by pracowity at 9:37 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]
posted by pracowity at 9:37 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]
How efficient are estate sales? From the point of view of the inheritor, if an estate sale is reasonably efficient and cost effective, I'd want to let them take care of my parents' stuff rather than spend my own time sorting through material objects. My only guilt is about throwing away things that someone could use.
Unfortunately some amount of labor is not avoidable. Estate sales will deal with china cabinets, but they are not a good solution for all possessions. My spouse and I spent about 70-75 hours ridding my mom’s apartment of things not accepted in her community’s estate sale: financial records, old computers with personal files, photos and other family-history documents, worn out textiles, cleaning supplies, old food (including some exploded cans, yuck). This was after she first downsized to an apartment 10 years ago. We have not completed the next part of this labor which is figuring out what to do with all the stuff we had to take.
I don’t know what happens if there are no relatives to take this labor on.
posted by eirias at 9:39 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
Unfortunately some amount of labor is not avoidable. Estate sales will deal with china cabinets, but they are not a good solution for all possessions. My spouse and I spent about 70-75 hours ridding my mom’s apartment of things not accepted in her community’s estate sale: financial records, old computers with personal files, photos and other family-history documents, worn out textiles, cleaning supplies, old food (including some exploded cans, yuck). This was after she first downsized to an apartment 10 years ago. We have not completed the next part of this labor which is figuring out what to do with all the stuff we had to take.
I don’t know what happens if there are no relatives to take this labor on.
posted by eirias at 9:39 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
My experience in 10+ of estates work is that a) the kids/beneficiaries throwing out 98% of the deceased's stuff is pretty normal b) estate sales and auctions get you pennies on the dollar. They can even cost you money if they're junking the stuff that doesn't sell and you're reimbursing the auction house for tipping fees.
IANYL, ymmv, etc. etc.
Don't play mind-reading games. If you want to know if people will cherish your things after you die, ask them. Otherwise you're saddling them with extra work, expenses, and guilt in addition to their grief.
posted by LegallyBread at 9:48 AM on May 23 [19 favorites]
IANYL, ymmv, etc. etc.
Don't play mind-reading games. If you want to know if people will cherish your things after you die, ask them. Otherwise you're saddling them with extra work, expenses, and guilt in addition to their grief.
posted by LegallyBread at 9:48 AM on May 23 [19 favorites]
My experience in 10+ of estates work is that a) the kids/beneficiaries throwing out 98% of the deceased's stuff is pretty normal
I find this really incomprehensible, but I’ve seen it happen recently when a friend of mine suicided and his family immediately started selling off his tools, hobby equipment, etc. I think part of the issue is that very few people have paid-off houses anymore, so when people inherit a house they inherit the mortgage with it. It’s one thing to move into an existing house with all its stuff and then slowly sort through that stuff over the years; it’s another thing to feel like you must get that stuff sorted through in order to sell the house or end the lease on the apartment.
It has left me resolved to leave a paid off house when I go, with money for the property taxes, so this can be a leisurely and unrushed decision on the part of the kids.
posted by corb at 9:56 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]
I find this really incomprehensible, but I’ve seen it happen recently when a friend of mine suicided and his family immediately started selling off his tools, hobby equipment, etc. I think part of the issue is that very few people have paid-off houses anymore, so when people inherit a house they inherit the mortgage with it. It’s one thing to move into an existing house with all its stuff and then slowly sort through that stuff over the years; it’s another thing to feel like you must get that stuff sorted through in order to sell the house or end the lease on the apartment.
It has left me resolved to leave a paid off house when I go, with money for the property taxes, so this can be a leisurely and unrushed decision on the part of the kids.
posted by corb at 9:56 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]
I've been glad in the last few years that my mother kept ALL our stuff from when we were children, and even some things from when she was a child, now that I also have a young child. Old kids' toys are awesome, they last forever. Ditto the kids' books, there are so many children's things I don't have to buy.
Collecting things goes in and out of fashion, I think after this minimalist era passes people will want physical stuff again. Especially physical pictures and prints, video that's not saved somewhere on the cloud.
My parents have been giving money in advance of their will for few years now, which is really helpful. Their house remains chocabloc full of stuff, especially books. When my grandmother passes, her kids kept most of her artwork and got rid of almost everything else. Us grandkids were allowed to go through the house and pick out anything we wanted and I think I only picked one notebook that was just a mass-produced standard notebook. I wish now that I'd picked at least one thing I would actually hang onto.
posted by subdee at 10:00 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
Collecting things goes in and out of fashion, I think after this minimalist era passes people will want physical stuff again. Especially physical pictures and prints, video that's not saved somewhere on the cloud.
My parents have been giving money in advance of their will for few years now, which is really helpful. Their house remains chocabloc full of stuff, especially books. When my grandmother passes, her kids kept most of her artwork and got rid of almost everything else. Us grandkids were allowed to go through the house and pick out anything we wanted and I think I only picked one notebook that was just a mass-produced standard notebook. I wish now that I'd picked at least one thing I would actually hang onto.
posted by subdee at 10:00 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
My mom is at the stage where she's started winnowing down and explaining things to me. It will fall to me to handle her estate since my sister cut her off. I don't want to deal but I will and my mom knows there are lot of family antiques that we have that neither of us will take. I live in a tiny house that's already jam packed with stuff.
My worry when I die isn't even material. It's my animals. Send my brewing stuff off to the Falcons. Send the books to a second hand store. Use the cooking stuff, please. The rest can go into a tip. But I really don't want my idiots to end up back in the shelter. I grabbed them out of there for a reason. (and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future)
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:06 AM on May 23 [5 favorites]
My worry when I die isn't even material. It's my animals. Send my brewing stuff off to the Falcons. Send the books to a second hand store. Use the cooking stuff, please. The rest can go into a tip. But I really don't want my idiots to end up back in the shelter. I grabbed them out of there for a reason. (and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future)
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:06 AM on May 23 [5 favorites]
My experience in 10+ of estates work is that a) the kids/beneficiaries throwing out 98% of the deceased's stuff is pretty normal
Yep. Nobody wants your stuff. You probably don't even really want your stuff. Stuff is just what accumulates when acquiring gives you a temporary thrill.
posted by pracowity at 10:11 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]
Yep. Nobody wants your stuff. You probably don't even really want your stuff. Stuff is just what accumulates when acquiring gives you a temporary thrill.
posted by pracowity at 10:11 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]
My worry when I die isn't even material. It's my animals.
This is a very real worry. I’ve seen family members rehome animals that the deceased would never have wanted. I think people need to really obtain commitments before death for people to care for their animals to be sure of things.
posted by corb at 10:21 AM on May 23 [10 favorites]
This is a very real worry. I’ve seen family members rehome animals that the deceased would never have wanted. I think people need to really obtain commitments before death for people to care for their animals to be sure of things.
posted by corb at 10:21 AM on May 23 [10 favorites]
One of the decent things my father did before he died last year was to get rid of most of his stuff. To be fair, my brother and I did most of the grunt work of hauling, boxing, etc. But when he passed there wasn't much there. Furniture was the biggest issue, really, so we hired someone to take it away.
He also did the smart thing of making a list of his accounts, complete with login info.
posted by doctornemo at 10:30 AM on May 23 [4 favorites]
He also did the smart thing of making a list of his accounts, complete with login info.
posted by doctornemo at 10:30 AM on May 23 [4 favorites]
Now my wife and I are thinking hard about this for ourselves.
She had two (2) heart attacks last year and now feels very close to death, so she buys nearly nothing physical and wants to get rid of stuff.
For me, the big issue is my book collection. That's, oh, 3200 or so titles. I think fondly of a story about a scholar who died surrounded by his favorite tomes, and maybe that's what I can do, winnow the stuff down to a few hundred dear friends.
posted by doctornemo at 10:32 AM on May 23 [4 favorites]
She had two (2) heart attacks last year and now feels very close to death, so she buys nearly nothing physical and wants to get rid of stuff.
For me, the big issue is my book collection. That's, oh, 3200 or so titles. I think fondly of a story about a scholar who died surrounded by his favorite tomes, and maybe that's what I can do, winnow the stuff down to a few hundred dear friends.
posted by doctornemo at 10:32 AM on May 23 [4 favorites]
When my mom died, Dad got rid of a lot of her stuff, some of which my sister and I would have loved to have been given. He was in such a fugue state in the immediate aftermath, I understand, but not having all of her artwork is still upsetting 30-plus years later.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:34 AM on May 23 [7 favorites]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:34 AM on May 23 [7 favorites]
What I don't know how to approach is my spouse's parents things. They have three thousand square feet of suburbia crammed to the gills with all manner of crap, and my spouse has trouble letting go of things in general, and will not let go of things with any sentiment attached (we already have stuff from grandma and a great-aunt that I believe falls into the category of "donate to goodwill" but it's not enough to be cumbersome so I just live with it). I can't say no to the stuff when my spouse is grieving and this is part of it. I feel such an asshole. But I so don't want any of their parents' stuff to cross my threshold, and I hate having their dead relatives so present in my daily physical life (whenever I open a kitchen drawer or see a painting on entryway wall.. every fucking time I walk in the door I have think of great aunt Belinda and her awful fucking taste). I'm resentful, it's unhealthy, and it seems like there's no way out that isn't cruel in one way or another.
posted by everythings_interrelated at 10:57 AM on May 23 [9 favorites]
posted by everythings_interrelated at 10:57 AM on May 23 [9 favorites]
We took the opportunity to have a huge clear out last year when we had to have the house rewired, but there's still so much stuff.
We also had to clear my parents' house last year prior to selling it, and that was a fun exercise. Both were collectors, him of books, her of antiques, and it took a lot to sort out. 2000-odd books, thousands of 35mm slides, old camera gear... it took months.
So that's made me think, and I now get rid of things wherever I can (although I've told the kids that if they annoy me too much I'll start a serious hoarding habit)
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 11:02 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
We also had to clear my parents' house last year prior to selling it, and that was a fun exercise. Both were collectors, him of books, her of antiques, and it took a lot to sort out. 2000-odd books, thousands of 35mm slides, old camera gear... it took months.
So that's made me think, and I now get rid of things wherever I can (although I've told the kids that if they annoy me too much I'll start a serious hoarding habit)
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 11:02 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
I'm very close to this final-downsizing point with my aging parents and all its emotional baggage-handling. Definitely planning on hiring one of those companies who specialize in this. My mom is very emotionally attached to things--everything has a story that has to be told before it's gotten rid of. I recently learned they saved pretty much every piece of paper I generated at school until I went to college...98% of which I had no interest in, yet still felt guilty dumping in the recycling.
I'm not sure what my kids will want of mine, let alone their kids. I hope a few things. Definitely the Legos. I might even put that in my will. Keep the Legos or everything goes to the ASPCA
posted by gottabefunky at 11:02 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure what my kids will want of mine, let alone their kids. I hope a few things. Definitely the Legos. I might even put that in my will. Keep the Legos or everything goes to the ASPCA
posted by gottabefunky at 11:02 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
My grandma left a copy of the adoption papers that proved my social grandfather wasn't my bio grandfather in the attic of her house, where we found them after she died. Literal secrets in the attic.
She never disclosed this during her lifetime, and we also found evidence that she went to some lengths to try to permanently conceal the truth - we found a letter from the records office when she contacted them after my grandfather's death in the early 00s, trying to get the word 'adopted' expunged from the records (obviously they were not willing to falsify the records just because she was ashamed of having non-marital sex in the late 1950s). So clearly something she felt a lifelong sense of shame about, and yet the papers were up there waiting to be found.
Given how much shame and secrecy there was around this topic in my family, I've wondered a lot about whether she knew they were there, and knew past a certain age that she couldn't really ask anyone to remove them without the people she didn't want to find out finding out and was just stewing on the anxiety of it during her later years, or if she'd forgotten or never realised they were up there in the first place.
posted by terretu at 11:03 AM on May 23 [4 favorites]
She never disclosed this during her lifetime, and we also found evidence that she went to some lengths to try to permanently conceal the truth - we found a letter from the records office when she contacted them after my grandfather's death in the early 00s, trying to get the word 'adopted' expunged from the records (obviously they were not willing to falsify the records just because she was ashamed of having non-marital sex in the late 1950s). So clearly something she felt a lifelong sense of shame about, and yet the papers were up there waiting to be found.
Given how much shame and secrecy there was around this topic in my family, I've wondered a lot about whether she knew they were there, and knew past a certain age that she couldn't really ask anyone to remove them without the people she didn't want to find out finding out and was just stewing on the anxiety of it during her later years, or if she'd forgotten or never realised they were up there in the first place.
posted by terretu at 11:03 AM on May 23 [4 favorites]
@doctornemo: I would suggest locating a book appraiser near where you live. If you have a nearby used or antiquarian book store they either can do the job or will know who can. Good ones will charge an hourly rate and will provide you with a valuation, by title, of what is in the collection, useful for the executor of the estate.
My parents had such a collection, and I grew up among those books. The appraisal let me see with clarity what was valuable, what was absolutely NOT valuable, and select the sentimental among those categories, since I had no ability to take over the entire collection.
If your collection has a specialty, and/or you have an affiliation with an institution, you can make that connection up front to rehome a lot of stuff. Since my father was a retired faculty member of the local university, that allowed me to transition the subset that wasn't sentimental.
posted by scolbath at 11:04 AM on May 23 [1 favorite]
My parents had such a collection, and I grew up among those books. The appraisal let me see with clarity what was valuable, what was absolutely NOT valuable, and select the sentimental among those categories, since I had no ability to take over the entire collection.
If your collection has a specialty, and/or you have an affiliation with an institution, you can make that connection up front to rehome a lot of stuff. Since my father was a retired faculty member of the local university, that allowed me to transition the subset that wasn't sentimental.
posted by scolbath at 11:04 AM on May 23 [1 favorite]
They have three thousand square feet of suburbia crammed to the gills with all manner of crap
Will you be inheriting the house as well? Do you have kids? If so I feel a good solution is to let the kids live in the house; they’ll eventually get rid of stuff on their own and you won’t have to feel bad about it.
posted by corb at 11:06 AM on May 23 [5 favorites]
Will you be inheriting the house as well? Do you have kids? If so I feel a good solution is to let the kids live in the house; they’ll eventually get rid of stuff on their own and you won’t have to feel bad about it.
posted by corb at 11:06 AM on May 23 [5 favorites]
I remain IANYL, but I'd wager in most common-law jurisdictions pets are just another type of personal property (that is to say, "stuff") so if you make a will, you can say what happens to the pets. You can even set a little something aside for their care, and have contingency plans.
For example, "find my animals a loving home" is a very commonly used clause in my neck of the woods, to forestall arguments about beneficiaries missing out on stud fees, or the re-sale value of an elderly parrot, etc. etc.
posted by LegallyBread at 11:38 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
For example, "find my animals a loving home" is a very commonly used clause in my neck of the woods, to forestall arguments about beneficiaries missing out on stud fees, or the re-sale value of an elderly parrot, etc. etc.
posted by LegallyBread at 11:38 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]
I’m in the midst of this struggle right now. My wife passed about a year ago, from cancer. I still haven’t gone through her home office. I did donate her clothes fairly soon, but that was as far as I could go. I’d take a few small things to donate once a month or so, but there is just so much stuff in our house. After 25 years together, you accumulate everything.
There are a few things with strong memories I won’t ever part with, but more of it is just the whole set of “things” that make the house feel familiar. I’m already adrift without her, and don’t think a mostly empty house would help with that.
But I also feel my own mortality, even though I’m only in my late 50’s. And I don’t want to leave all of this for my wife’s adult son (basically my only nearby remaining family) to have to go through it. The reason I haven’t just decluttered all my stuff is partially self preservation- if it was all gone and I didn’t worry about leaving it for him to clean up, there would be one less reason for me to stay around.
I don’t know what I’ll do. There is a neighborhood garage sale in a couple weeks, and I keep trying to start going through things to get rid of. But am I going to feel better with a bunch of empty kitchen cabinets, minus the cups and plates and pots and pans I don’t use any more? Or will that just make the loneliness so much worse? I don’t go down into her office more than once a month, but how sad and final will it be to go down there and just have an empty room.
posted by gmatom at 11:39 AM on May 23 [36 favorites]
There are a few things with strong memories I won’t ever part with, but more of it is just the whole set of “things” that make the house feel familiar. I’m already adrift without her, and don’t think a mostly empty house would help with that.
But I also feel my own mortality, even though I’m only in my late 50’s. And I don’t want to leave all of this for my wife’s adult son (basically my only nearby remaining family) to have to go through it. The reason I haven’t just decluttered all my stuff is partially self preservation- if it was all gone and I didn’t worry about leaving it for him to clean up, there would be one less reason for me to stay around.
I don’t know what I’ll do. There is a neighborhood garage sale in a couple weeks, and I keep trying to start going through things to get rid of. But am I going to feel better with a bunch of empty kitchen cabinets, minus the cups and plates and pots and pans I don’t use any more? Or will that just make the loneliness so much worse? I don’t go down into her office more than once a month, but how sad and final will it be to go down there and just have an empty room.
posted by gmatom at 11:39 AM on May 23 [36 favorites]
Yes, this is Appropriate For Mefites, all right.
I've realized that bar a natural disaster, fire or bankruptcy, I've bought my last pots and pans and most of my last kitchen equipment - I won't need another Le Creuset stockpot or another heavy stainless steel 4 quart saucepan and probably won't need another high quality pepper grinder or another bottle opener, etc. I have too many shoes - if I kept and wore them all, my collection would outlast me, although I'll probably give away and replace some just for the sake of fashion. Looking at furniture price versus quality, I certainly hope I've bought/inherited my last furniture.
My mother's side are stuff people, my father's side are minimalists. I'm afraid I'm a stuff person and have just basically hoarded up most of the art, furniture and durable household goods from my much-missed relatives, and since my father's side doesn't have much, I've kept virtually everything of theirs. I understand that this will not do and am trying now at rising fifty to downsize. There won't really be anyone in the family to inherit, should the world be in a state for inheritance to make sense and should I not die homeless in the street. I have a niece who will get any money that remains and the nicest of whatever goods there are, but there's far too much good quality but not really valuable vintage/antique stuff to wish on anyone who wasn't a collector. I'm happy to leave her the art and the best of the movables, but she isn't going to want shelf after shelf of charming but not valuable knickknacks originally purchased in 1935.
I think of my grandmother, who spent the last few months of her life in a small room in a nursing home. It was a nice nursing home and she was able to bring her favorite chair, a small end table and a few pieces of art with her, but she had lived in a spacious, beautiful house with so many pleasant things and it all came down to a white room and a hospital bed and the last five or six objects. The last room won't be very nice.
On the one hand, easy to think "well, if I'm going [if I'm lucky and can afford it] to end up in a last room with my five favorite things, what does it mean to have more stuff now, what's it all for", but on the other why borrow trouble? If you're doomed to the small white room, why race to get there?
~~
I think one's relationship to stuff is as much about temperament as about philosophy and shouldn't be over moralized. It gives me a lot of pleasure to use a plate that I chose that is the right color and weight; it gives me a lot of pleasure to look at the same art and furniture that my grandparents looked at. I like handling things and feeling different textures and shapes, I like running my eye over stuff. Plenty of people don't get much out of that at all, just like I don't get much out of board games or riding roller coasters.
My mother, oddly, was stuff-indifferent. She had a lot of stuff because she had it from her family, but it was almost all boxed up. When my parents moved to the house where she died, we all went through a whole basement of boxes and miscellany, and I took probably half of it.
posted by Frowner at 11:41 AM on May 23 [13 favorites]
I've realized that bar a natural disaster, fire or bankruptcy, I've bought my last pots and pans and most of my last kitchen equipment - I won't need another Le Creuset stockpot or another heavy stainless steel 4 quart saucepan and probably won't need another high quality pepper grinder or another bottle opener, etc. I have too many shoes - if I kept and wore them all, my collection would outlast me, although I'll probably give away and replace some just for the sake of fashion. Looking at furniture price versus quality, I certainly hope I've bought/inherited my last furniture.
My mother's side are stuff people, my father's side are minimalists. I'm afraid I'm a stuff person and have just basically hoarded up most of the art, furniture and durable household goods from my much-missed relatives, and since my father's side doesn't have much, I've kept virtually everything of theirs. I understand that this will not do and am trying now at rising fifty to downsize. There won't really be anyone in the family to inherit, should the world be in a state for inheritance to make sense and should I not die homeless in the street. I have a niece who will get any money that remains and the nicest of whatever goods there are, but there's far too much good quality but not really valuable vintage/antique stuff to wish on anyone who wasn't a collector. I'm happy to leave her the art and the best of the movables, but she isn't going to want shelf after shelf of charming but not valuable knickknacks originally purchased in 1935.
I think of my grandmother, who spent the last few months of her life in a small room in a nursing home. It was a nice nursing home and she was able to bring her favorite chair, a small end table and a few pieces of art with her, but she had lived in a spacious, beautiful house with so many pleasant things and it all came down to a white room and a hospital bed and the last five or six objects. The last room won't be very nice.
On the one hand, easy to think "well, if I'm going [if I'm lucky and can afford it] to end up in a last room with my five favorite things, what does it mean to have more stuff now, what's it all for", but on the other why borrow trouble? If you're doomed to the small white room, why race to get there?
~~
I think one's relationship to stuff is as much about temperament as about philosophy and shouldn't be over moralized. It gives me a lot of pleasure to use a plate that I chose that is the right color and weight; it gives me a lot of pleasure to look at the same art and furniture that my grandparents looked at. I like handling things and feeling different textures and shapes, I like running my eye over stuff. Plenty of people don't get much out of that at all, just like I don't get much out of board games or riding roller coasters.
My mother, oddly, was stuff-indifferent. She had a lot of stuff because she had it from her family, but it was almost all boxed up. When my parents moved to the house where she died, we all went through a whole basement of boxes and miscellany, and I took probably half of it.
posted by Frowner at 11:41 AM on May 23 [13 favorites]
Just, you know, as an alternative opinion here - my grandparents were children of the depression and had a lot of stuff. Because of that, I did not have to buy new furniture or dishes until I was well into adulthood. To this day I use her Revereware pots and pans, her dishes, her mismatched forks and spoons, her mixing bowls. We eat at their dining room table and sleep in a brass bed they had stored in the barn (new mattress, don't worry). I have the music box he bought her for their first Christmas together, and a still in the box Howdy Doody puppet they were given as a gift for their second child.
My mother (still kicking at 90), also has a house full of stuff, and while we won't have room for all of it there are many things I know I'll value - carpets, and dishes, and a specific side table, and her china (yes, really -- gotten during the Depression as a reward for going to the movies), her dozens of Santas, a couple of throw rugs. There's other stuff I know I'll have to find homes for, but I'm ok with that, because I know that, right now, she's living surrounded with things that she loves and that have a history for her, and that when she's gone they'll find a useful life with someone else.
For those of you who worry that your books, or your collections, or your dishes will be tossed out when you go -- I wouldn't worry that much. You'll be surprised, I think, how they will find a route to someone who loves and values them as much as you do. A good friend has a garage full of tools he uses and loves, almost all sourced from estate sales and Facebook marketplace posts, almost all with the same story -- our relative died and left these and we don't know what to do with them.... take them so I don't have to throw them away.
Even having done the work to clean out my grandparents house after they passed, and having helped with the estates of various friends -- I know how much work it is, but I've never felt like it was a burden or a waste, and just know so many people who were grateful for an object for free (or very cheap) to make their homes and lives better or more beautiful.
Keep your stuff if you enjoy it, and don't feel badly about it. I promise you, a lot of it will be loved by someone else after you're gone.
posted by anastasiav at 11:48 AM on May 23 [24 favorites]
My mother (still kicking at 90), also has a house full of stuff, and while we won't have room for all of it there are many things I know I'll value - carpets, and dishes, and a specific side table, and her china (yes, really -- gotten during the Depression as a reward for going to the movies), her dozens of Santas, a couple of throw rugs. There's other stuff I know I'll have to find homes for, but I'm ok with that, because I know that, right now, she's living surrounded with things that she loves and that have a history for her, and that when she's gone they'll find a useful life with someone else.
For those of you who worry that your books, or your collections, or your dishes will be tossed out when you go -- I wouldn't worry that much. You'll be surprised, I think, how they will find a route to someone who loves and values them as much as you do. A good friend has a garage full of tools he uses and loves, almost all sourced from estate sales and Facebook marketplace posts, almost all with the same story -- our relative died and left these and we don't know what to do with them.... take them so I don't have to throw them away.
Even having done the work to clean out my grandparents house after they passed, and having helped with the estates of various friends -- I know how much work it is, but I've never felt like it was a burden or a waste, and just know so many people who were grateful for an object for free (or very cheap) to make their homes and lives better or more beautiful.
Keep your stuff if you enjoy it, and don't feel badly about it. I promise you, a lot of it will be loved by someone else after you're gone.
posted by anastasiav at 11:48 AM on May 23 [24 favorites]
What about my socks? My FLAC files?
posted by DJZouke at 11:51 AM on May 23 [7 favorites]
posted by DJZouke at 11:51 AM on May 23 [7 favorites]
My son has not ended up being a reader, but he values my books. He may move into my house when I go, in which case he'd likely use the household stuff. I'm a bit of a magpie; I like shiny pretty things. I like useful things. I am trying hard to give away more than I acquire; this is difficult with books and useful items. I know someone who has 3 sets of Christmas dishes, probably 2 of them inherited, but I have nothing like that. I suppose I should start documenting things - the blanket chest my grandfather made, with big burn marks my Dad left smoking an occasional cigar after dinner, the rug from grandparents' home that I grew up playing on, the patterns imaginary roads for cars.
I am reminded of the movie Rocket Gibraltar, which I recommend. If I could choose my burial, wrap me in my frayed old wool rugs, douse with fuel, set me ablaze. This would be horribly polluting, so I expect to be cremated, and ask my ashes to disposed of in the gray Atlantic.
It's stuff. In the US, we have far too much of it, so it's a problem. My stuff tells a story about me, but it's okay if that story is not told.
I need to write in my notes that someone should tell MeFi I'm gone, the way one tells the bees.
posted by theora55 at 12:01 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]
I am reminded of the movie Rocket Gibraltar, which I recommend. If I could choose my burial, wrap me in my frayed old wool rugs, douse with fuel, set me ablaze. This would be horribly polluting, so I expect to be cremated, and ask my ashes to disposed of in the gray Atlantic.
It's stuff. In the US, we have far too much of it, so it's a problem. My stuff tells a story about me, but it's okay if that story is not told.
I need to write in my notes that someone should tell MeFi I'm gone, the way one tells the bees.
posted by theora55 at 12:01 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]
I’ve been a regular shopper at estate sales for a few decades, mainly because I hate buying anything new. The quality of items on purchases at a store these days is usually abysmal and not cheap, and I can still get amazing quality items at estate sale for even cheaper than newer but plastic items. It’s really hard to hard to find stuff new that isn’t at least in part plastic! It does take time, however, to pick through and find things I need/want so often I won’t buy anything but it’s kind of a hobby I have. There are a lot of old mansions around where I live, and I love looking through them. There are also a lot of middle-class estate sales in not so fancy houses that have some incredible stuff, too. Don’t underestimate the value of some of those items your parents are leaving you. Carved vintage or antique China cabinets can be valuable because people like me don’t want to buy brand new, and some of these are rare. Estate sale companies, if they are any good, will know the value of all those weird little knickknacks, some of which can be very valuable. Here’s a site I use to look up a sales in my ZIP Code. You can get an idea of what people are selling at these things, it’s really all over the map as far as quality goes. There are few very high end, or eclectic, sellers that I keep my eye out for and then I’ll go on the last day of the sale and get bargains.
posted by waving at 12:12 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]
posted by waving at 12:12 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]
Can I just leave the stuff I own that nobody wants to the hydraulic press channel on TikTok?
To crush, I mean.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:23 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
To crush, I mean.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:23 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
After dealing with my parents’ stuff years ago I’m glad to know that my sister in law is the most gloriously unsentimental person I’ve ever met. When my in-laws go all we will have to do is get stuck in traffic on the way to clean out their house and she will have already had the dumpster hauled away and left for lunch.
I’m still not sure whether to leave anything behind at all. That fantasy that someone will care about your stuff someday is hard to let go even if you’re sure it’s not true.
posted by The Monster at the End of this Thread at 12:31 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
I’m still not sure whether to leave anything behind at all. That fantasy that someone will care about your stuff someday is hard to let go even if you’re sure it’s not true.
posted by The Monster at the End of this Thread at 12:31 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
Like some others have said, this article resonates right now, two ways.
First, we're cleaning out my parent's (well, mother and stepfather's) house. When the process first started about two years ago, my attitude was "trash it all", but my brother's relationship with them was better than mine, and he wanted to be careful. So he's literally been opening every folder and envelope and drawer, and looking at things. But the last few trips, I've actually found some small things I don't want. And then the very last trip, two things. One is what I will vaguely refer to as a potentially very old piece of pottery which, if authenticated, will be repatriated. My grandfather was an archaeologist and biblical scholar, and traveled all over and had a lot of...stuff. This particular piece was on the bottom shelf of a cabinet, hidden behind some junk, and the whole thing covered with a tablecloth. Easily had not been touched in at least 15 years. Two is a printed-out story my mother wrote about the time when, shortly after I was born, we lived in a bomb shelter for a number of months. I found it while emptying out a moldy computer hutch. I think it is ostensibly about a missing cat from that time, and I have not yet been able to bring myself read it, for a variety of reasons. I have been carrying it around in my backpack for about a month now.
So I'm torn. I don't want to treat everything with reverence. But also don't want to miss the few things there are that deserve that treatment. And to be clear, 95% of the stuff in the house is junk from QVC.
The second thing about this story is evaluating choices in light of one's mortality. "An unexpected side effect of getting older is that you start measuring all sorts of decisions by laying them alongside your remaining time."
Even more than the stuff is this. I've been struggling for a long time now with engagement with life, and a few months ago a friend said "It sounds like you're just waiting to die". And in a lot of ways, she was/is right. So I'm trying to make active choices now about how I want the rest of my time to be. What kind of relationship(s) do I want? How do I want to be physically? Mentally? How do I want to spend my time? I think these are questions that a lot of people have in their heads, and I've just begun to realize that I really need to start answering them, because I'm not likely to live forever.
Thanks for the post, Kitteh. Every little bit helps me move forward.
posted by Gorgik at 12:40 PM on May 23 [11 favorites]
First, we're cleaning out my parent's (well, mother and stepfather's) house. When the process first started about two years ago, my attitude was "trash it all", but my brother's relationship with them was better than mine, and he wanted to be careful. So he's literally been opening every folder and envelope and drawer, and looking at things. But the last few trips, I've actually found some small things I don't want. And then the very last trip, two things. One is what I will vaguely refer to as a potentially very old piece of pottery which, if authenticated, will be repatriated. My grandfather was an archaeologist and biblical scholar, and traveled all over and had a lot of...stuff. This particular piece was on the bottom shelf of a cabinet, hidden behind some junk, and the whole thing covered with a tablecloth. Easily had not been touched in at least 15 years. Two is a printed-out story my mother wrote about the time when, shortly after I was born, we lived in a bomb shelter for a number of months. I found it while emptying out a moldy computer hutch. I think it is ostensibly about a missing cat from that time, and I have not yet been able to bring myself read it, for a variety of reasons. I have been carrying it around in my backpack for about a month now.
So I'm torn. I don't want to treat everything with reverence. But also don't want to miss the few things there are that deserve that treatment. And to be clear, 95% of the stuff in the house is junk from QVC.
The second thing about this story is evaluating choices in light of one's mortality. "An unexpected side effect of getting older is that you start measuring all sorts of decisions by laying them alongside your remaining time."
Even more than the stuff is this. I've been struggling for a long time now with engagement with life, and a few months ago a friend said "It sounds like you're just waiting to die". And in a lot of ways, she was/is right. So I'm trying to make active choices now about how I want the rest of my time to be. What kind of relationship(s) do I want? How do I want to be physically? Mentally? How do I want to spend my time? I think these are questions that a lot of people have in their heads, and I've just begun to realize that I really need to start answering them, because I'm not likely to live forever.
Thanks for the post, Kitteh. Every little bit helps me move forward.
posted by Gorgik at 12:40 PM on May 23 [11 favorites]
I'm not dead yet, but I have a version of this problem after becoming quite ill, leaving me fairly disabled. Past me accumulated a lot of stuff, much of it tools and materials for various projects, and now present me not only can't use any of it, but can't even physically move it. And the mental and social work required to even get rid of things is too much for me at the moment. Luckily, it's mostly out of the way, but the weight is always there.
It's not much fun to find that you're the person who doesn't, or at least can't, care about your own stuff.
posted by ssg at 1:09 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
It's not much fun to find that you're the person who doesn't, or at least can't, care about your own stuff.
posted by ssg at 1:09 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
But saying goodbye to the other versions of you that might have existed along a different set of choices is a kind of grief.
Boy howdy.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 1:11 PM on May 23 [16 favorites]
Boy howdy.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 1:11 PM on May 23 [16 favorites]
Unfortunately some amount of labor is not avoidable. Estate sales will deal with china cabinets, but they are not a good solution for all possessions.
In most estate sales I've been to, they sell all the stuff for rip-off prices. I'm talking everything from china cabinets to old underwear.
posted by The_Vegetables at 1:30 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
In most estate sales I've been to, they sell all the stuff for rip-off prices. I'm talking everything from china cabinets to old underwear.
posted by The_Vegetables at 1:30 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
A good reason to throwing all your unwanted items into a dumpster before you die and save your kids from having to do so is that by selling or donating as much as you can your stuff won’t be as likely to be adding to landfills unnecessarily.
posted by waving at 1:36 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 1:36 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
scolbath, a book appraiser is a very good idea.
When I worked for a used/antiquarian bookstore, the owner used to do some of that. Man, there were some stories.
posted by doctornemo at 1:40 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
When I worked for a used/antiquarian bookstore, the owner used to do some of that. Man, there were some stories.
posted by doctornemo at 1:40 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
someone should tell MeFi I'm gone, the way one tells the bees.
MetaFilter: the told bees.
posted by doctornemo at 1:40 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]
MetaFilter: the told bees.
posted by doctornemo at 1:40 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]
I don’t have a lot of possessions aside from approximately 1000 vinyl records. The thought of them being cast to the four winds doesn’t bother me at all, but at a certain I did start writing my name on them…
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:45 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:45 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
In most estate sales I've been to, they sell all the stuff for rip-off prices. I'm talking everything from china cabinets to old underwear.
I believe you! We will see zero dollars for my mother’s possessions. Any money goes to the retirement community. I believe we have still done exceptionally well because we only had to put 75x2 adults = 150 person-hours and maybe $1000 of our own money to manage the process. Some people sit on parents’ estates for literal years.
Your things are going to be a burden to someone. Keep that in mind as you peruse the Memorial Day sales.
posted by eirias at 2:10 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
I believe you! We will see zero dollars for my mother’s possessions. Any money goes to the retirement community. I believe we have still done exceptionally well because we only had to put 75x2 adults = 150 person-hours and maybe $1000 of our own money to manage the process. Some people sit on parents’ estates for literal years.
Your things are going to be a burden to someone. Keep that in mind as you peruse the Memorial Day sales.
posted by eirias at 2:10 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
So he's literally been opening every folder and envelope and drawer, and looking at things.
This is a good tip for you folks out there with older parents. We had a relative pass a while back and in the process of cleaning out we went through every pocket in every purse, coat and pants as well as checking every book, envelope, and folder.
We found five figures in stashed currency, all in small rolled-up wads.
posted by JoeZydeco at 2:44 PM on May 23 [9 favorites]
This is a good tip for you folks out there with older parents. We had a relative pass a while back and in the process of cleaning out we went through every pocket in every purse, coat and pants as well as checking every book, envelope, and folder.
We found five figures in stashed currency, all in small rolled-up wads.
posted by JoeZydeco at 2:44 PM on May 23 [9 favorites]
I got heavily into woodworking during COVID. My goal now is to saddle my nephews with an apartment stuffed full of fake Egyptian furniture.
posted by brachiopod at 3:42 PM on May 23 [16 favorites]
posted by brachiopod at 3:42 PM on May 23 [16 favorites]
A friend's mother recently died, and he broke even on the estate goods, paying a company to empty the house. Money-in from a sale, weighted against dump and hauling fees for the stuff no one wanted. The desired end result was an empty house so it could be sold (for a shocking amount of money), and he got that. Not a bad outcome.
I have a few of my dad's tools (cheap ones, alas...the man never spent money on himself)--I make a point of thinking of him when I handle. I have the sweaters my mom knit me and I think that's about it...? from her. (My relationship was more fraught with her than him.)
I have no partner and no kids, I imagine ultimately a match and some gasoline is what's going to happen to my stuff when my body is discovered weeks after I pass, hopefully not for awhile yet. I'd worry most about my grumpy dog--the rest is just stuff; though some of it cherished, none of it is particularly valuable.
posted by maxwelton at 5:00 PM on May 23 [3 favorites]
I have a few of my dad's tools (cheap ones, alas...the man never spent money on himself)--I make a point of thinking of him when I handle. I have the sweaters my mom knit me and I think that's about it...? from her. (My relationship was more fraught with her than him.)
I have no partner and no kids, I imagine ultimately a match and some gasoline is what's going to happen to my stuff when my body is discovered weeks after I pass, hopefully not for awhile yet. I'd worry most about my grumpy dog--the rest is just stuff; though some of it cherished, none of it is particularly valuable.
posted by maxwelton at 5:00 PM on May 23 [3 favorites]
For most of my life I haven't had much money, and have had very few things of any value beyond possibly sentimental (most of the more valuable stuff was my ex-wife's). Post that marriage LOT of my household stuff, from furniture on down, came from Goodwill, and some of the furniture were curb finds - I even managed to snag one of those wooden cable spools for a side table for a while (used ironically, but it was honestly useful). I don't come from a well-off family and have not inherited much - the biggest thing is a nice watch (I think Omega?) my estranged father left for me in his will, that I got about $450 for on Ebay.
Only in the past few years have I managed to get beyond a paycheck-to-paycheck existence and started being able to save money, and as a consequence the amount of stuff in my house has risen in both quality and quantity. I'm no hoarder by any means, but (unlike maxwelton's dad :) ) I do like having decent tools-for-living of all sorts, from a decent cordless drill, to a really good mattress, to a nice set of pots and pans, to a Vitamix. But I'm in my 60s now and while I don't want to live less comfortably or do myself a disservice, I do live in a small, now-slightly-overcrowded apartment, and there's certainly stuff from past hobbies (and what I thought would become hobbies that I ended up quickly losing interest in) that I could stand to jettison. I should really start thinking about paring down, getting rid of anything I'm not actually using. And beyond my own current needs/wants I'm not sentimental about much of it so I have no need for it to "go to a loving home"...maybe I can sell some of it on Ebay for a little extra cash. But my son might be able to use some of this stuff, and I certainly want him to get my two albums of family photos, maybe he'll want my computer who knows, that sort of thing. Maybe I'll ponder this a little longer without actually doing anything about it...
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:11 PM on May 23 [3 favorites]
Only in the past few years have I managed to get beyond a paycheck-to-paycheck existence and started being able to save money, and as a consequence the amount of stuff in my house has risen in both quality and quantity. I'm no hoarder by any means, but (unlike maxwelton's dad :) ) I do like having decent tools-for-living of all sorts, from a decent cordless drill, to a really good mattress, to a nice set of pots and pans, to a Vitamix. But I'm in my 60s now and while I don't want to live less comfortably or do myself a disservice, I do live in a small, now-slightly-overcrowded apartment, and there's certainly stuff from past hobbies (and what I thought would become hobbies that I ended up quickly losing interest in) that I could stand to jettison. I should really start thinking about paring down, getting rid of anything I'm not actually using. And beyond my own current needs/wants I'm not sentimental about much of it so I have no need for it to "go to a loving home"...maybe I can sell some of it on Ebay for a little extra cash. But my son might be able to use some of this stuff, and I certainly want him to get my two albums of family photos, maybe he'll want my computer who knows, that sort of thing. Maybe I'll ponder this a little longer without actually doing anything about it...
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:11 PM on May 23 [3 favorites]
Now that I think about it, I believe I'll start a list of things I don't want to keep that are worth something. I'll let my son look it over and see if he wants anything from it before I get rid of it all. That'll feel like progress without a lot of effort. I feel better already!
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:16 PM on May 23 [11 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:16 PM on May 23 [11 favorites]
My grandparents' estate sale actually netted their heirs quite a windfall. The secret is to have a dad who hoards scrap metal
posted by potrzebie at 6:16 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
posted by potrzebie at 6:16 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
Oof. This one landed. Thank you.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:20 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:20 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
My parents' house will need a dumpster, when the time comes. I'm torn between hoping they will downsize and spare me, and hoping they don't waste their remaining time on that crap. (Sometimes it seems to me that they are trapped by their stuff. And I usually enjoy decluttering.)
My ideal is to have only as many things as I can enjoy and maintain. Plus, perhaps, a new book and a work in progress? I'm not there yet. My home is just little much for one person with a full-time job - I can juggle, but can't get on top of it. I'm also feeling the urge to store things and information, these days. But that's the dream. And I think, if I reach a point where I use and enjoy and maintain all my things, then my heirs can just deal.
The part about travel is making me think, though. Every return to places I have enjoyed is a time I didn't explore further?
posted by mersen at 6:30 PM on May 23
My ideal is to have only as many things as I can enjoy and maintain. Plus, perhaps, a new book and a work in progress? I'm not there yet. My home is just little much for one person with a full-time job - I can juggle, but can't get on top of it. I'm also feeling the urge to store things and information, these days. But that's the dream. And I think, if I reach a point where I use and enjoy and maintain all my things, then my heirs can just deal.
The part about travel is making me think, though. Every return to places I have enjoyed is a time I didn't explore further?
posted by mersen at 6:30 PM on May 23
The secret is to have a dad who hoards scrap metal
Ahh, nice. I paid a scrapper a small amount to come and haul away a couple truckloads of scrap metal from my father's basement. They got a deal on the value of the metal, and I got a deal on the labor (and didn't have to worry about potential injury).
I spent a year's worth of weekends on that property, putting things out for the trash and recycling bit by bit, boxing up everything that was worth anything, cleaning up, trimming bushes, etc. A friend and my sibling kept me company for some of it. We staged the house with stuff from the thrift store, a fair bit of which I chose so I could keep it. I wouldn't be able to spend that kind of time on a project like that now, but it made sense for me to do it that way back then.
Related: I just wrote a song about how my youth was the price I paid for what I have now. Also true.
posted by limeonaire at 6:39 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
Ahh, nice. I paid a scrapper a small amount to come and haul away a couple truckloads of scrap metal from my father's basement. They got a deal on the value of the metal, and I got a deal on the labor (and didn't have to worry about potential injury).
I spent a year's worth of weekends on that property, putting things out for the trash and recycling bit by bit, boxing up everything that was worth anything, cleaning up, trimming bushes, etc. A friend and my sibling kept me company for some of it. We staged the house with stuff from the thrift store, a fair bit of which I chose so I could keep it. I wouldn't be able to spend that kind of time on a project like that now, but it made sense for me to do it that way back then.
Related: I just wrote a song about how my youth was the price I paid for what I have now. Also true.
posted by limeonaire at 6:39 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
I do value sentimental things.
I am still pissed that when my grandma started losing her mind she gave away most things without asking. Yes I would have liked the yellow plates, thank you very much.
When eventually she did die, we did a swwpshrow of what was left, took some stuff, and left the rest to one of those companies that clear out apartments in exchange for the contents. Since estate sales are not really a thing here, it's really the most common option.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 7:24 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
I am still pissed that when my grandma started losing her mind she gave away most things without asking. Yes I would have liked the yellow plates, thank you very much.
When eventually she did die, we did a swwpshrow of what was left, took some stuff, and left the rest to one of those companies that clear out apartments in exchange for the contents. Since estate sales are not really a thing here, it's really the most common option.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 7:24 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
If you're in the DC area, I'll take any video game stuff you don't want going to waste.
posted by now i'm piste at 7:38 PM on May 23
posted by now i'm piste at 7:38 PM on May 23
Nice story.
I'm a bit older than the author of the OP. She writes,
Those French dictionaries and grammar books? The future is not infinite, and I'm just not going to ever learn French, not in the time I have left. Off they go!
Gardening books? For years now, I've done nothing but mow and trim, and mostly just mow. I've got other plans for my free time, and they don't involve gardening. Away with them!
Notebooks upon notebooks from graduate school and from my creative-writing classes: maybe in another world, yes, but not this world. That was decades ago. If it was going to happen, it already would have happened. Those short stories are never going to get written, that screenplay will never get put down on paper. Goodbye, old frenemies!
There's a lot of pain and shit in getting old, but there are a few nice things, too. One of them is realizing that there are a lot of dreams and fantasies, both your own and those of others, that are just not ever going to become real. And that's fine! It's liberating, I swear to you, to be able to cast those chains aside.
My father was a pretty talented woodworker back in the day, and over the years he tried to get me into it. He'd buy me some tools, and together we made a few basic items (bedframes are ridiculously easy). But he's no longer with us, and I've already got enough furniture in the house, and I'm just not interested in becoming a cabinet maker, and so a few years ago I gave away all those tools. It's great. I've got all this room in my garage for my car stuff and my fishing stuff, two activities I really do enjoy and really do take part in on a weekly basis. I've kept a handsaw and a hammer and a few basics, but all those power sanders and table saws and routers and such? Off to a better place!
Oh, and I'm never going to wear a necktie unless someone else is dead, or I am. I've got one blue tie, and the rest are off to Goodwill. Good riddance!
I swear to you, letting go of alternate futures not lived is the best way to live your own best present.
posted by fuzzy.little.sock at 8:32 PM on May 23 [25 favorites]
I'm a bit older than the author of the OP. She writes,
"There’s a transition point when you are no longer young enough to believe your time will never run out and you’re not quite old enough to be entirely pragmatic about the time that remains. That’s where I am right now, in the in-between."But me? I am entirely old enough to be entirely pragmatic.
Those French dictionaries and grammar books? The future is not infinite, and I'm just not going to ever learn French, not in the time I have left. Off they go!
Gardening books? For years now, I've done nothing but mow and trim, and mostly just mow. I've got other plans for my free time, and they don't involve gardening. Away with them!
Notebooks upon notebooks from graduate school and from my creative-writing classes: maybe in another world, yes, but not this world. That was decades ago. If it was going to happen, it already would have happened. Those short stories are never going to get written, that screenplay will never get put down on paper. Goodbye, old frenemies!
There's a lot of pain and shit in getting old, but there are a few nice things, too. One of them is realizing that there are a lot of dreams and fantasies, both your own and those of others, that are just not ever going to become real. And that's fine! It's liberating, I swear to you, to be able to cast those chains aside.
My father was a pretty talented woodworker back in the day, and over the years he tried to get me into it. He'd buy me some tools, and together we made a few basic items (bedframes are ridiculously easy). But he's no longer with us, and I've already got enough furniture in the house, and I'm just not interested in becoming a cabinet maker, and so a few years ago I gave away all those tools. It's great. I've got all this room in my garage for my car stuff and my fishing stuff, two activities I really do enjoy and really do take part in on a weekly basis. I've kept a handsaw and a hammer and a few basics, but all those power sanders and table saws and routers and such? Off to a better place!
Oh, and I'm never going to wear a necktie unless someone else is dead, or I am. I've got one blue tie, and the rest are off to Goodwill. Good riddance!
I swear to you, letting go of alternate futures not lived is the best way to live your own best present.
posted by fuzzy.little.sock at 8:32 PM on May 23 [25 favorites]
This is just a small part of my brothers collection of stuff. Some he orders from Amazon, some from other sites. He;s slowly dying from ALS. I'm his caretaker and since ordering things with his money brings him joy, I don't intervene. There are other piles like this in his house. I live in the house also. I try to keep it somewhat orderly and clean. This pile needs my attention as you can see. When he goes, I will have the biggest garage sale(is that the term) ever)...30 hockey and football jerseys, new...40 blankets, duvets towels, not cheap, the blankets are Pendelton...assorted knives...many baseball gloves...15 vintage train sets, you get the picture.
https://imgur.com/a/nXcxwFI
posted by Czjewel at 8:41 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
https://imgur.com/a/nXcxwFI
posted by Czjewel at 8:41 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
I am also going through this right now. My mom and my aunt who both had to move into a (really nice) care home recently are having a combined garage sale/auction the following weekend. My mom doesn't have very much stuff left over - her new place has a fair amount of space and I'm taking some of the furniture - but my aunt is a borderline hoarder and has loads. To make giving up all those belongings easier my aunt is wanting to make a big deal out of making sure that the nieces and nephews get to go through and select what may or may not be treasures.
I am personally not concerned about what might happen to what I own.The only thing I do care about leaving behind are the thousands of digital photos I've taken, of family members, my mother's fabulous garden, travel photos, landscapes, many of them quite good I think, but I doubt if anybody else cares much about them.
posted by blue shadows at 1:29 AM on May 24
I am personally not concerned about what might happen to what I own.The only thing I do care about leaving behind are the thousands of digital photos I've taken, of family members, my mother's fabulous garden, travel photos, landscapes, many of them quite good I think, but I doubt if anybody else cares much about them.
posted by blue shadows at 1:29 AM on May 24
We have inherited lots of old photos from parents/grandparents, they are real family history, wish we'd asked more about them when we could, that's history lost - we intend to pass them on to the kids, I think they're important ..... but our photos went digital, we've been far less careful about them which in retrospective is sad
posted by mbo at 1:56 AM on May 24 [1 favorite]
posted by mbo at 1:56 AM on May 24 [1 favorite]
Oops... https://imgur.com/a/gNOGymn
posted by Czjewel at 3:10 AM on May 24 [1 favorite]
posted by Czjewel at 3:10 AM on May 24 [1 favorite]
Old kids' toys are awesome, they last forever. Ditto the kids' books, there are so many children's things I don't have to buy.
I had exactly the opposite experience. Rubber diaper covers that dissolved when I touched them, old brittle plastic that was hazardous, some good books but also Little Black Sambo, etc. These little toxic bombs kept appearing out of my hoarder parents’ attic. I have kept nothing - I handed most of my kids’ old things over on our freecycle-like community so people could use them during the decades my own kids are growing and I will happily help outfit grandkids other ways in the future. Except for a few things, like Lego.
My parents are hoarders (although lately they seem to be reforming and may be, in their own ways, trying to downsize.) and my sister is the opposite. My spouse and I sit somewhere in the middle. For my parents’ house my sister and I are agreed- we’ll go through it together for a limited period of time and pick a few things, then dumpster/freecycle everything. Probably just have a free estate sale. I am not haunted at the thought of missing a diamond.
My own Achilles heel is worthless artwork. Two kids in continual pottery and art classes is a lot of stuff. If I keep these until I die at least they go back to the OG makers.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:33 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
I had exactly the opposite experience. Rubber diaper covers that dissolved when I touched them, old brittle plastic that was hazardous, some good books but also Little Black Sambo, etc. These little toxic bombs kept appearing out of my hoarder parents’ attic. I have kept nothing - I handed most of my kids’ old things over on our freecycle-like community so people could use them during the decades my own kids are growing and I will happily help outfit grandkids other ways in the future. Except for a few things, like Lego.
My parents are hoarders (although lately they seem to be reforming and may be, in their own ways, trying to downsize.) and my sister is the opposite. My spouse and I sit somewhere in the middle. For my parents’ house my sister and I are agreed- we’ll go through it together for a limited period of time and pick a few things, then dumpster/freecycle everything. Probably just have a free estate sale. I am not haunted at the thought of missing a diamond.
My own Achilles heel is worthless artwork. Two kids in continual pottery and art classes is a lot of stuff. If I keep these until I die at least they go back to the OG makers.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:33 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
The stuff you don't get rid of will either be thrown out, sold in an estate sale or collected and treasured (or endured) by surviving family and friends. It is certainly a kind thing to do for those who will tend to your estate to reduce the amount of useless stuff they will need to deal with.
My mother was a big saver-of-stuff throughout my childhood; our basement was crammed full of all kinds of THINGS. Her parents were the same way (they both were young adults during the Great Depression and I think that's part of it).
It was cleaning out their house after they both died that finally cured my mother of her own tendencies, because she finally realized that most of that stuff they'd saved never really got used. One story she kept telling again and again at about this time was about this couch that they'd moved into their last house and then stuck in the basement, because they didn't know what else to do with it; and it sat there next to Grandpa's work bench and got ruined by years of sawdust flying at it and junk getting piled on it. "And I just kept thinking of what it was like before," Mom said, "and how they could have given it to the Salvation Army or something, and some other family would probably have LOVED it and could have used it. But now they couldn't."
She still has a LOT of stuff, but she's been slowly scaling back ever since.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:21 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
My mother was a big saver-of-stuff throughout my childhood; our basement was crammed full of all kinds of THINGS. Her parents were the same way (they both were young adults during the Great Depression and I think that's part of it).
It was cleaning out their house after they both died that finally cured my mother of her own tendencies, because she finally realized that most of that stuff they'd saved never really got used. One story she kept telling again and again at about this time was about this couch that they'd moved into their last house and then stuck in the basement, because they didn't know what else to do with it; and it sat there next to Grandpa's work bench and got ruined by years of sawdust flying at it and junk getting piled on it. "And I just kept thinking of what it was like before," Mom said, "and how they could have given it to the Salvation Army or something, and some other family would probably have LOVED it and could have used it. But now they couldn't."
She still has a LOT of stuff, but she's been slowly scaling back ever since.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:21 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
Tools.
The idea of letting go quality tools I bought in 1972 -1985 -- really painful. I still own them and still use them. Over the years since I've bought more power tools, still quality.
~~~~~
Don't ever buy shit tools.
Ever.
They feel like shit even to look at. They feel like shit in your hands. God knows they feel like shit when building whatever it is you're building, makes a long day longer.
You needn't go nuts and buy only German and Japanese tools. Just get quality tools
Don't kid yourself -- or let some scumbag kid you -- that you're saving something with the dollars not spent.
Don't ever buy shit tools.
Ever.
~~~~~
When I use them I think of the various cars and trucks plus a million billion construction sites and/or friends houses of just wherever they came to hand.
On the coldest day of one winter in the middle of the '90s the rear end on my pickup truck shit the bed. I called in sick, then called a few boneyards, found one that would deliver a rear end to my condo complex for $100, together he and I hustled it out of his truck. I jacked up my pickup, took off wheels/tires, unbolted the dead rear end, hustled the new one around and bolted it in place, Now, all I had to do is remove all the brake parts from the "new to my truck" rear end, undo/replace with the brake parts which were on the truck, (Which I knew to be in great shape because I do all of my own brake jobs.) I don't recall who I got to help me bleed the brakes, it's not like it's a hard job but it was a cold fucking day. Put the wheels/tires back on the truck, not sure who I got to help me hustle the dead rear end into the truck to return to the boneyard for the $25 turn-in.
My tools? Wiped with a greazy rag, put back exactly/orderly and tucked behind the truck sear, where they belonged.
I was filthy. My clothes were filthy.
How did I feel? Like a million bucks.
Competency is fun. Good tools and knowing how to use them is fun.
With tools in my hands which I began buying when I was 13 years old are thousands of days like that. When those wrenches are in my hand, along with the dirt/grease/gunge/etc from the day, there is also some grit from the first day I ever used them.
I dare you to try to convince me that there isn't.
I double dare you to try to convince me that there isn't.
I double-dog dare you to try to convince me that there isn't.
~~~~
I'm not 15 anymore. I'm 69.
Even though they're good tools I've got no one to give them to. No way do I just want to give them to some mope who doesn't get it -- they are not just tools, they are Tools. I have one nephew who is a great blue collar guy, an instinctive carpenter, (by the way, at least half my tools are carpentry tools, lots of mechanical tools but I can build a house or a grocery store, too), my nephew is good at whatever he turns his hand to. But he doesn't hold to tools, or much else. Yeah, yeah, I get it, it's A Real Big Deal to me, and not to too many others. But goddamned if I just want to toss them out the window.
It's a painful thing to me, one that has been headed my way a long, long time, and no answer.
posted by dancestoblue at 5:43 AM on May 24 [14 favorites]
The idea of letting go quality tools I bought in 1972 -1985 -- really painful. I still own them and still use them. Over the years since I've bought more power tools, still quality.
~~~~~
Don't ever buy shit tools.
Ever.
They feel like shit even to look at. They feel like shit in your hands. God knows they feel like shit when building whatever it is you're building, makes a long day longer.
You needn't go nuts and buy only German and Japanese tools. Just get quality tools
Don't kid yourself -- or let some scumbag kid you -- that you're saving something with the dollars not spent.
Don't ever buy shit tools.
Ever.
~~~~~
When I use them I think of the various cars and trucks plus a million billion construction sites and/or friends houses of just wherever they came to hand.
On the coldest day of one winter in the middle of the '90s the rear end on my pickup truck shit the bed. I called in sick, then called a few boneyards, found one that would deliver a rear end to my condo complex for $100, together he and I hustled it out of his truck. I jacked up my pickup, took off wheels/tires, unbolted the dead rear end, hustled the new one around and bolted it in place, Now, all I had to do is remove all the brake parts from the "new to my truck" rear end, undo/replace with the brake parts which were on the truck, (Which I knew to be in great shape because I do all of my own brake jobs.) I don't recall who I got to help me bleed the brakes, it's not like it's a hard job but it was a cold fucking day. Put the wheels/tires back on the truck, not sure who I got to help me hustle the dead rear end into the truck to return to the boneyard for the $25 turn-in.
My tools? Wiped with a greazy rag, put back exactly/orderly and tucked behind the truck sear, where they belonged.
I was filthy. My clothes were filthy.
How did I feel? Like a million bucks.
Competency is fun. Good tools and knowing how to use them is fun.
With tools in my hands which I began buying when I was 13 years old are thousands of days like that. When those wrenches are in my hand, along with the dirt/grease/gunge/etc from the day, there is also some grit from the first day I ever used them.
I dare you to try to convince me that there isn't.
I double dare you to try to convince me that there isn't.
I double-dog dare you to try to convince me that there isn't.
~~~~
I'm not 15 anymore. I'm 69.
Even though they're good tools I've got no one to give them to. No way do I just want to give them to some mope who doesn't get it -- they are not just tools, they are Tools. I have one nephew who is a great blue collar guy, an instinctive carpenter, (by the way, at least half my tools are carpentry tools, lots of mechanical tools but I can build a house or a grocery store, too), my nephew is good at whatever he turns his hand to. But he doesn't hold to tools, or much else. Yeah, yeah, I get it, it's A Real Big Deal to me, and not to too many others. But goddamned if I just want to toss them out the window.
It's a painful thing to me, one that has been headed my way a long, long time, and no answer.
posted by dancestoblue at 5:43 AM on May 24 [14 favorites]
My dad passed from Alzheimer's a few years ago. It was a difficult passing emotionally, but it made dealing with the materials of his life easier.
He was a bit of a hoarder. He wasn't into material things, but he loved books. And when he could no longer deal with paperwork he started saving it in boxes. And he and my mom were the executors of their parents' estates and kept a lot of our grandparents' things in their attic.
At some point he and Mom weren't able to take care of the family home, a large Victorian duplex, and the yard became overgrown with trumpet vines, forsythia, raspberry canes, and weeds. The house started to leak and decay and he didn't have it repaired.
Their home insurer found out and refused to continue insuring the property in that condition, so we were able to talk Mom and Dad into moving into a flat close to one of my sisters. My brother and I spent a very long weekend clearing the brush in the yard, and then we all descended on the house and decided what we were keeping and what we didn't want.
We had a yard sale and got less than $200—it was a complete waste of a nice summer day.
Between the yard waste and the hoarding we filled two entire 40-yard tips. The house went cheaply to a flipper because it needed so many repairs, and the money went to Dad's care.
I think all five of his kids have the memory of cleaning out the family home in that condition seared into our memories.
I definitely have put stuff in the basement instead of disposing of it, and it haunts me a bit.
posted by Wilbefort at 5:47 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
He was a bit of a hoarder. He wasn't into material things, but he loved books. And when he could no longer deal with paperwork he started saving it in boxes. And he and my mom were the executors of their parents' estates and kept a lot of our grandparents' things in their attic.
At some point he and Mom weren't able to take care of the family home, a large Victorian duplex, and the yard became overgrown with trumpet vines, forsythia, raspberry canes, and weeds. The house started to leak and decay and he didn't have it repaired.
Their home insurer found out and refused to continue insuring the property in that condition, so we were able to talk Mom and Dad into moving into a flat close to one of my sisters. My brother and I spent a very long weekend clearing the brush in the yard, and then we all descended on the house and decided what we were keeping and what we didn't want.
We had a yard sale and got less than $200—it was a complete waste of a nice summer day.
Between the yard waste and the hoarding we filled two entire 40-yard tips. The house went cheaply to a flipper because it needed so many repairs, and the money went to Dad's care.
I think all five of his kids have the memory of cleaning out the family home in that condition seared into our memories.
I definitely have put stuff in the basement instead of disposing of it, and it haunts me a bit.
posted by Wilbefort at 5:47 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
As I write this, the estate sale folks have moved on to the house clean out part of the project. We grew up poor, and my parents' house was filled with stuff, but very little of it of any value. My siblings and I went through and took the things we wanted, and then contracted a company to sell it off in a more garage sale type estate sale. We got a few bids. Some places wanted nothing to do with us. Some would only do a cleanout. This company was happy to try a "digger" sale, where they would stage and price some things, but then just take offers on anything else people wanted. They took 40% of proceeds, and we got the rest. We're now paying them $1k plus dumpster fees to clear out the house. In the end, we might get $100. But weigh that against flights/hotel/rental cars/time off for me and my siblings, and it's a huge win. Selling the house in this market will pay for a few years of assisted living and memory care.
It's just stuff. I understand the feelings of "this should be worth more" but in the end, our time and energy is worth way more than anything we could have gotten from it.
posted by advicepig at 7:30 AM on May 24 [3 favorites]
It's just stuff. I understand the feelings of "this should be worth more" but in the end, our time and energy is worth way more than anything we could have gotten from it.
posted by advicepig at 7:30 AM on May 24 [3 favorites]
As a society what we should have - and I feel like this is more or less in Ursula Le Guin somewhere - is free stuff depots. To make it manageable in this age of over production, you'd probably need to get vouchers like for the dump, but there's an awful lot of stuff (like the comics in the front page ask today) that a number of people would find pretty cool, but that would be a LOT of work to hand on or sell at the individual level. Just a big space and a couple of staff, paid for out of taxes, and you could bring your old comics, books that weren't in good enough condition for resale but were definitely readable, furniture that needs a little fixing but could easily be nice if cleaned up, etc.
For instance, I have a TON of valueless but pretty vintage and antique teapots. (Believe me, I've tried to find out if they have value - if I already had a flea market business I could probably sell them for a few bucks, but they're not worth trying to sell). I collected them when I lived near a really, really good thrift store. I'll probably just donate them back, but they won't make much for the thrift store either - but they'd be great little decor items for impecunious and artsy people.
It would cut down on waste if people had easy and cheap access to free ding and dent things.
posted by Frowner at 7:36 AM on May 24 [7 favorites]
For instance, I have a TON of valueless but pretty vintage and antique teapots. (Believe me, I've tried to find out if they have value - if I already had a flea market business I could probably sell them for a few bucks, but they're not worth trying to sell). I collected them when I lived near a really, really good thrift store. I'll probably just donate them back, but they won't make much for the thrift store either - but they'd be great little decor items for impecunious and artsy people.
It would cut down on waste if people had easy and cheap access to free ding and dent things.
posted by Frowner at 7:36 AM on May 24 [7 favorites]
Since I am also dealing with this and coming at it from a different angle - please do not collect stuff and expect your relatives to want it. What actually happens is they have to pay people to take most of it away, unless I guess you are super wealthy and collect Faberge eggs or something. Most of it is trash, and they charge by the pound at the dump.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:40 AM on May 24 [4 favorites]
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:40 AM on May 24 [4 favorites]
I think it is probably worthwhile to check in with relatives about what they would want. I did in fact want a lot of my family stuff and despite trying to downsize now, I still will be keeping armchairs, bookshelves, dishes, art, etc. It's the miscellany that I took because I was sad that I'll be passing along.
But in any case, no reason to leave, eg, decades of paperwork, stacks of old plastic containers, threadbare towels, the stuff that people are pretty sure not to want. It's also much easier to get rid of an unwanted china cabinet than a basement full of decaying cardboard boxes full of paper and oddments.
posted by Frowner at 7:45 AM on May 24 [1 favorite]
But in any case, no reason to leave, eg, decades of paperwork, stacks of old plastic containers, threadbare towels, the stuff that people are pretty sure not to want. It's also much easier to get rid of an unwanted china cabinet than a basement full of decaying cardboard boxes full of paper and oddments.
posted by Frowner at 7:45 AM on May 24 [1 favorite]
I have to admit I find it irritating when the assumption that your stuff will go to grandchildren if your children don't want it because then you would have to store until they are old enough to likely to go, "Uh, I don't want that either." Of course, I opted to not have kids, and while that is no longer a bone of contention (apparently it was and I didn't know that until years later), I don't think it's fair for grandparents to have the expectation you will keep Grandpa's old canoe oar or some such until your kids are of age.
Boomer/Silent Generation parents are rightly proud and protective of heirlooms and stuff they acquired through their lives but listen, I don't assume that my nieces and lone nephew will want any of my shit.
posted by Kitteh at 8:34 AM on May 24
Boomer/Silent Generation parents are rightly proud and protective of heirlooms and stuff they acquired through their lives but listen, I don't assume that my nieces and lone nephew will want any of my shit.
posted by Kitteh at 8:34 AM on May 24
no reason to leave, eg, decades of paperwork
I love old paperwork and hope my parents will leave it to me - as an analyst, it reveals so much about a life that people wouldn’t necessarily talk about or tell you. Let me figure out what’s trash and what’s gold! Let me be an archaeologist in the story of their lives. Only then will I decide what doesn’t need to be kept.
posted by corb at 10:34 AM on May 24 [4 favorites]
I love old paperwork and hope my parents will leave it to me - as an analyst, it reveals so much about a life that people wouldn’t necessarily talk about or tell you. Let me figure out what’s trash and what’s gold! Let me be an archaeologist in the story of their lives. Only then will I decide what doesn’t need to be kept.
posted by corb at 10:34 AM on May 24 [4 favorites]
Let me be an archaeologist in the story of their lives.
I think that's a big part of my brother's experience with our parent's house.
posted by Gorgik at 10:38 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
I think that's a big part of my brother's experience with our parent's house.
posted by Gorgik at 10:38 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
Like so many metafilter discussions, the answer is really "try to read the room and think of others' concerns" - do your children/nephews say they want some of your stuff? Do you have vintage Pyrex and a child whose best friend collects vintage Pyrex? Your children may want to look at some old paperwork, but will they definitely want old hospital bills and city notices? What kind of condition is your stuff in? Do you live in the next town over from your kids or across the country? If you have a nearby child who is a passionate collector or a memory hound, that's quite different from having a child who lives abroad and boasts about how all their possessions fit in two jumbo suitcases.
posted by Frowner at 10:46 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 10:46 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]
I just thought of something that's come up again and again with my contemporaries who have lost parents and grandparents -
PLEASE leave a detailed medical history behind if you have kids or you have a large family!
it can be so helpful down the road when the next generations have questions about hereditary issues or family genetics etc.
posted by djseafood at 10:51 AM on May 24 [3 favorites]
PLEASE leave a detailed medical history behind if you have kids or you have a large family!
it can be so helpful down the road when the next generations have questions about hereditary issues or family genetics etc.
posted by djseafood at 10:51 AM on May 24 [3 favorites]
As a boomer who has cleaned up after depression-kids parents and in-laws, this more than resonates with me. My mother and MiL left a TON of worthless crap that took a ridiculous amount of labor to clean up.
My wife and I have no children, the pair of niece/nephew are quite distant. So we keep this in mind. I still buy books and CDs/vinyl, because they get use/enjoyment. We update stuff in the house. But we are constantly aware of the need to be death-cleaning as we approach our 70s. We had a plan to move out of this house and thus had began to throw out a lot of things that no longer made sense to keep. In the end, just about everything will end up in the dumpster and I really don't care. There's a few pieces of decent furniture, some of the younger cousins might want the books because our interests are similar, likewise my niece's eventual husband will confiscate the vinyl. But the rest will end up in the dumpster and it is up to me to lighten the load. I've been on the other side of it and all that worthless possessions leave is resentment.
posted by Ber at 11:06 AM on May 24 [3 favorites]
My wife and I have no children, the pair of niece/nephew are quite distant. So we keep this in mind. I still buy books and CDs/vinyl, because they get use/enjoyment. We update stuff in the house. But we are constantly aware of the need to be death-cleaning as we approach our 70s. We had a plan to move out of this house and thus had began to throw out a lot of things that no longer made sense to keep. In the end, just about everything will end up in the dumpster and I really don't care. There's a few pieces of decent furniture, some of the younger cousins might want the books because our interests are similar, likewise my niece's eventual husband will confiscate the vinyl. But the rest will end up in the dumpster and it is up to me to lighten the load. I've been on the other side of it and all that worthless possessions leave is resentment.
posted by Ber at 11:06 AM on May 24 [3 favorites]
This just occurred to me - if you are in an area where there is a project supporting unhoused people, they may want things like old towels, old blankets, sofa pillows, old rugs, etc and will almost definitely want any old camping equipment as long as it is functional. I volunteer with such a project in the Twin Cities and we will definitely accept all those things. They shouldn't be literal full-of-holes, grease stained trash, but threadbare stuff is fine since it can be used as underpadding for sleeping areas, towels in situations where you just need a towel you can toss away, etc. People can definitely use small/medium old rugs as long as they are not inconvenient to transport - a largeish, stiff rug that rolls up into a seven foot long tube would not be good, but a large kitchen/rag rug or a smaller still rug would also be fine. People like those.
Also old luggage, duffles, backpacks etc. Nice ones are nice, but old ones and out of style ones are also useful.
We go through an absolutely huge amount of old soft textiles.
posted by Frowner at 11:25 AM on May 24 [8 favorites]
Also old luggage, duffles, backpacks etc. Nice ones are nice, but old ones and out of style ones are also useful.
We go through an absolutely huge amount of old soft textiles.
posted by Frowner at 11:25 AM on May 24 [8 favorites]
All of this is yet another reminder that I should make out a will (even though I don't currently have a dire need to do so) so my Stuff can be properly disposed of after I die. I don't have any kids to inherit anything; and while my GF would get first crack at everything, her studio apt is way too small to accommodate even a fraction of it. I DJ at a college station (now as a "community member"), so I would donate the records/CDs to their music library and let my fellow DJs pick over the dupes. (I'd probably let them go through my books and zines/magazines as well. I can see my parents giving my Slash and Damage mags to the thrift store, only to have said store toss them for being just "old newspapers" or whatnot).
I've been pretty good at downsizing the past year or so. (It helps if you pretend you'll be moving to a smaller place soon, thus you have more of an incentive to go through stuff and determine "yeah, I'll never read/listen to this again"). Been trying to make sure I stay off the buy-sell-buy-more-sell-more hamster wheel, with mostly success (physical media accumulation is a side-effect of being a DJ)
posted by gtrwolf at 1:52 PM on May 24 [2 favorites]
I've been pretty good at downsizing the past year or so. (It helps if you pretend you'll be moving to a smaller place soon, thus you have more of an incentive to go through stuff and determine "yeah, I'll never read/listen to this again"). Been trying to make sure I stay off the buy-sell-buy-more-sell-more hamster wheel, with mostly success (physical media accumulation is a side-effect of being a DJ)
posted by gtrwolf at 1:52 PM on May 24 [2 favorites]
I am the youngest of five brothers and, at just 64, the last one standing, with none of us having children - meaning our home by default has become the collective repository of whatever didn't stay with partners, or couldn't/wouldn't be tossed or sold or otherwise redistributed upon their passing, along with everything from our parents' home, which was first distributed among the surviving siblings but then, one by one, most all eventually funneled back down to me.
Box after box after box of photos and odds and ends and artwork and ephemera and music and books and tools/utensils and yard/garden things, some of it going back to our grandparents. Incredible historic photos/frames. Antique rolling pins and colanders and ladles. Beautiful, century-old art vases and platters and tea pots and sculptures that generations of our family used and passed down and there is now no passing down. All on top of our own eclectic collection of cherished art and objects and oddities we've cobbled together over 35 years of life and travels. It's a lot of stuff, but it's our stuff and it all still brings smiles to our faces and inspires great memories and conversations.
Some I have managed to cast away, some I have given to friends or free-cycled or sold, but going through it all and deciding what/how to do with it all remains a mentally exhausting, seemingly never-ending approach/avoidance task/burden. And now we are both, with my wife being 71, decidedly having the "last time ever" discussion over many things we consider buying. So much of this rumination rings true - and it is indeed odd and unsettling when these concerns first, out of nowhere, suddenly pop up as yours and no longer those of your parents or aunts/uncles or elder friends. But here, in this house, it is the end of the road - while someone may desire and enjoy the possession of any of these things, no one will ever possess and associate them with any appreciative thread to their past or origin or custody.
posted by thecincinnatikid at 4:05 PM on May 24 [8 favorites]
Box after box after box of photos and odds and ends and artwork and ephemera and music and books and tools/utensils and yard/garden things, some of it going back to our grandparents. Incredible historic photos/frames. Antique rolling pins and colanders and ladles. Beautiful, century-old art vases and platters and tea pots and sculptures that generations of our family used and passed down and there is now no passing down. All on top of our own eclectic collection of cherished art and objects and oddities we've cobbled together over 35 years of life and travels. It's a lot of stuff, but it's our stuff and it all still brings smiles to our faces and inspires great memories and conversations.
Some I have managed to cast away, some I have given to friends or free-cycled or sold, but going through it all and deciding what/how to do with it all remains a mentally exhausting, seemingly never-ending approach/avoidance task/burden. And now we are both, with my wife being 71, decidedly having the "last time ever" discussion over many things we consider buying. So much of this rumination rings true - and it is indeed odd and unsettling when these concerns first, out of nowhere, suddenly pop up as yours and no longer those of your parents or aunts/uncles or elder friends. But here, in this house, it is the end of the road - while someone may desire and enjoy the possession of any of these things, no one will ever possess and associate them with any appreciative thread to their past or origin or custody.
posted by thecincinnatikid at 4:05 PM on May 24 [8 favorites]
Frowner, the free stuff depots are ReStore, Goodwill, Freecycle, Buy Nothing, Craigslist, esp. /Free, Marketplace, etc. Goodwill get legit criticism, but is a huge recycler. I look there first, and the small gods of thrift are often with me; I find what I need surprisingly often. I had it on my list to get some agriculture-grade permethrin to treat clothing; I found it, sealed, at the GW Buy the Pound Outlet.
When I lived in Colorado for a bit, teams of Hispanic, probably Mexican, folk would come to the GW Outlet, and carefully sift for useful goods, which they piled into an on vans, trucks, and trailers for resale elsewhere. If GW had the ability to bale clothing by type and quality, it might not end up in piles in countries that really don't want it. Though, seriously, fast fashion, charity tshirts, and Too Much Clothing, are a pox. The amount of that crap that even my local GW just doesn't even put out for sale is wild. Also, every GW is awash is Christmas, and, increasingly, Halloween decor. Just stop.
Hint to the thrift gods: I broke my chef's knife and would like to replace it.
posted by theora55 at 12:30 PM on May 25 [2 favorites]
When I lived in Colorado for a bit, teams of Hispanic, probably Mexican, folk would come to the GW Outlet, and carefully sift for useful goods, which they piled into an on vans, trucks, and trailers for resale elsewhere. If GW had the ability to bale clothing by type and quality, it might not end up in piles in countries that really don't want it. Though, seriously, fast fashion, charity tshirts, and Too Much Clothing, are a pox. The amount of that crap that even my local GW just doesn't even put out for sale is wild. Also, every GW is awash is Christmas, and, increasingly, Halloween decor. Just stop.
Hint to the thrift gods: I broke my chef's knife and would like to replace it.
posted by theora55 at 12:30 PM on May 25 [2 favorites]
I am on the job and don't have time to get into this thread as much as I need to. Dad is dying and his brother is bullying me about getting rid of everything now before he dies. I've been caring for my dying father since April, so minutes before I leave for the weekend when trying to get my head in the game enough to do my job which only happens a few times a year is a perfect time to make me cry about wanting any of my mother's things which Dad had in storage for 10 years. I sure hope her recipe box wasn't in the box you insisted had to go while I was away.
Not that I'm bitter.
posted by ob1quixote at 6:59 PM on May 25 [4 favorites]
Not that I'm bitter.
posted by ob1quixote at 6:59 PM on May 25 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Thanks for this, Kitteh; we've added it to the sidebar and Best Of blog.
posted by taz (staff) at 1:30 AM on May 26
posted by taz (staff) at 1:30 AM on May 26
AMEN, fuzzy.little.sock. I like my stuff, including too many old sweaters that I knitted and my Paul Zindel YA books, but it isn't too bad. Last year one of my best friends died; I knew she had hoarding tendencies but didn’t realize the extent of it until I twisted my ankle trying to get to the light switch. She slept on the floor in the hallway with a pillow and blanket. She also had a brilliant mind, and was constantly revising historical articles that she could never finish. At some point after we had made a narrow path in one of the rooms, we were able to get to her bookcases. She had so lovingly organized her zillions of books by category: local history, medieval history, music history, etc. And all of that knowledge was in her head, but she was gone now and the books had to go too and we just tossed them all into boxes and none of this shit matters AT ALL and I will never learn French either and no one wants a musty old fashioned sweater and it wasn’t until we shoveled our way to her bookshelf with the local history on one side and the medieval history on the other that I realized this and we're going to have a civil war in ~25 years anyway and I need to look up clothing recycling.
posted by Melismata at 2:57 PM on May 26 [4 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 2:57 PM on May 26 [4 favorites]
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"I have often believed there’s enough inside of me for a hundred lives: enough to fall in love a hundred times, to happily settle down in a hundred places, to pursue a hundred different passions, to see the sun set on a hundred different horizons. There’s enough desire and want and curiosity inside of me, it seems, for maybe even a thousand lives. I understand now that the times I have felt most unhappy, most anxious, were the times when a choice had to be made, an entire fork in the road crossed off the map. Sometimes you can double back, try again, make a change, but not always. One kind of life precludes another, one choice limits all subsequent choices. The slow dawning realization that every step I make is determining which one single life I will have to squeeze my existence into has been, at times, a hard revelation."
Also feeling this:
"There’s a transition point when you are no longer young enough to believe your time will never run out and you’re not quite old enough to be entirely pragmatic about the time that remains. That’s where I am right now, in the in-between. ... I’m still getting comfortable with my mortality, still learning how to let go of the other possibilities my life might have held, still leaning into measuring what I most want against the time that remains."
posted by limeonaire at 8:07 AM on May 23 [45 favorites]