Ashes to Ashes, Dogs to Diamonds
March 20, 2008 5:26 PM   Subscribe

If burying Old Blue or Fluffy in the backyard just doesn't seem good enough, don't worry, for anywhere between $6,000 and $128,000, you can have them mummified old school style. Or if having to leave them on display in the living room while you leave the house seems just too hard, you could always wear them. Or of course you could always just have them turned into diamonds.
posted by Lutoslawski (32 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I saw Blue. He looks glorious.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:34 PM on March 20, 2008

And there's always Pet Preservation through Freeze Dry Taxidermy. [previous thread].
posted by ericb at 5:41 PM on March 20, 2008

No, No, No
posted by Rafaelloello at 5:42 PM on March 20, 2008

1) Dizzy can't wake up Grampa.
2) Dizzy writes check.
3) Strange Ones squeeeeze Grampa really hard.
4) Dizzy gets a new tie-tack.

5) Dizzy goes straight to hell.
posted by Dizzy at 5:43 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Jesus, people make sweaters out of former pets? I mean, out of other people's pets, sure.
posted by maxwelton at 6:07 PM on March 20, 2008

The rabbit on the left, Robocop, will be stuffed and mounted in such a way that it appears he is about to rock out on a miniature Fender guitar. He will be wearing a small red sweatband. The one of the right, Grendel, will simply be gutted with a single slice up her ample gut that she may be work as a hat, legs all splayed out, ears flopping wildly.

The third bunny, Beef Wellington, will never die because wook at dat widdle face! Wook at dem bugeyes! Boop bopp boop!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:10 PM on March 20, 2008 [2 favorites]

I wonder if I could do that with the hair I've been collecting from the people I sit behind on the bus. I mean, I wonder if some completely random person who is NOT me could do so.
posted by maxwelton at 6:11 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Dizzy, I am completely certain that your comment is going to give me nightmares.
posted by emperor.seamus at 6:18 PM on March 20, 2008

How about a Fluffy pillow?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:43 PM on March 20, 2008

I won't be satisfied until I can have my lil Doktor's corpse blasted to Jupiter
posted by mannequito at 6:58 PM on March 20, 2008

I ate mine.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 7:34 PM on March 20, 2008

I'm holding out, waiting for Carbonite.
posted by Tube at 7:44 PM on March 20, 2008

You could bang them flat and laminate them.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 7:52 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's not like there aren't vultures around.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:54 PM on March 20, 2008

hmmmm...*imagines foxy new robot body adorned with multicolored tiara made from old corpse*

i guess the only thing holding up my design is the question of how many pounds of meat=1 carat

posted by sexyrobot at 8:10 PM on March 20, 2008

you and your obsession with weighty meat.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 8:55 PM on March 20, 2008

all right here we go ...dear lifegems and all that:

"I was wondering if the carbon in your gems comes ONLY from supplied remains (i.e. is it mixed with other carbon? i assume other materials are added for colored stones (?)) If so, how many carats of stone can be created from one set of cremains? I realize that cremains can vary in mass due to the size of the departed, but I was wondering if you guys had any idea of what the ratio is? Considering that I currently weigh around 130 pounds, how many carats of lifegems do I contain? (I'm interested in leaving behind more than a solitaire...perhaps an elaborate multicolored necklace or tiara.) (My wife has Baroque tastes when it comes to would be nice to indulge her one last time, so to speak...)"

...i made up the whole 'wife' bit considering it less likely to elicit a 'whack job, DELETE' response than getting in to the whole story of me expecting the singularity to make life extension through robotics not only possible, but affordable and common. unless of course they feel the same way and even have special coupons for robots. coupons that i have now missed out on due to my own fear-based decision-making processes. damn biology.

I'll of course post any response...and oh yeah i lied about my weight too...i actually weigh 120 pounds, but figured 130 sounded more heterosexual. i can adjust the results, i guess...unless it's some hideous nonlinear which case i'm boned. (i guess i could just write them another crazy letter...)

but this thread is about pets, right, not my desire to adorn myself with myself? <>
in that case i second the 'bang flat, laminate' proposal, but only if there's an intermediate stage in a beef jerky drying machine to avoid the inevitable result of 'turgid balloon filled with pestulant ooze'
posted by sexyrobot at 9:02 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

not to beat a dead horse, but I'm not so obsessed with the weightiness as i am with the thickness and the cut.
posted by sexyrobot at 9:07 PM on March 20, 2008

me too
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 9:37 PM on March 20, 2008

Turgid balloon = fucking great name for a band. Backed up by the pustulent ooze singers.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 9:39 PM on March 20, 2008

well...dammit. autoresponse:

"Thank you for taking the time to visit the LifeGem website and request an informational brochure. We will mail your information within 24 hours. Your personal information will always be kept in the strictest confidence.
We are honored that you are considering a LifeGem as a memorial option for yourself or someone that you love. Our thoughts are with you as you consider all of your choices.
If you are considering a LifeGem because you have lost a loved one, please accept our heart felt condolences. We hope that we can provide some measure of comfort.
Please feel free to contact the LifeGem Care Team at 866-543-3436 with any questions, special requests, concerns, or if you just need someone to talk to. Our office is staffed Monday thru Friday from 9am to 5pm Central Standard Time.
We are here for you if you need us.
The LifeGem Family"

guess i'll just have to call the lifegem care team! (it'll probably have to be a conference call)
i do have a tape recorder...maybe i can get a transcript...
posted by sexyrobot at 10:14 PM on March 20, 2008

I wonder what a dog hair jumper smells like when it gets wet.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:19 PM on March 20, 2008

I wonder what a dog hair jumper smells like when it gets wet.

You can just shake it dry, in any case.
posted by maxwelton at 10:50 PM on March 20, 2008

sexyrobot's curiosity inspired me to go looking into how much carbon is in a human being as well as how much is used in synthetic diamonds. Though I could find a percentage of carbon in a human body (about 18%), my brief google searching didn't turn up much about how much ordinary carbon is used to make denser synthetic diamonds. Continued searching revealed a somewhat graphite description of a patent on the "Method of making synthetic gems comprising elements recovered from remains of a species of the kingdom animalia."

I wonder what the LifeGem Care Team has to say about their preferred method for carbon extraction from the remains of a species in the kingdom animalia. Apparently traditional cremation techniques render too much bone ash.
posted by Mister Cheese at 1:05 AM on March 21, 2008

That old couple in the sweaters are really just a pair of closet furries, afraid to come out to the world.

Though I'll admit to having had my own pet stuffed. It was a pitbull, and I've had its head turned into a codpiece that I wear over my chaps. Unlike other such codpiece's though, on mine, the pitbull's mouth is facing inwards. Partly because I like to show the world what a close relationship Fang and I had, but mostly because I'm just that hard.

My current pet is a chihuahua.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:37 AM on March 21, 2008

Hey sexyrobot. Be sure to let us know what LifeGem says. You're 45 lbs lighter than my dog. I'd like to know how many carats his big furry ass is worth. Otherwise, my husband is threatening to have him made into a rug when he dies. He only makes this threat with the long haired pets.
posted by onhazier at 5:47 AM on March 21, 2008

Diamond dogs.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:10 AM on March 21, 2008

Mine will outlive me and eat my otherwise unnoticed corpse.
posted by pracowity at 7:11 AM on March 21, 2008

omg they were so helpful...ok, heres the story...your body is approx 20% carbon (24 lbs, here)...if you were cremated under ideal conditions (vacuum chamber, vapor recapture, etc) you could end up with most of that and make tons of diamonds...the ratio of captured carbon to diamond is about 100% in their process, so 1 ct per 200 mg (i would make 53,100 carats! hot damn! that's enough for a freaking SUIT!). however most crematoriums are 'lossy' (carbon dioxide release) and you generally end up with only enough carbon for about 10 1ct (they did mention that their laser cutting process sometimes cuts off tiny clear 'windows' of diamond, and any interesting ones are generally thrown in gratis...i found this out when i was asking if any chips from the cutting process could be recycled into more diamonds...)

sooo...anybody know where i can get a vacuum chamber incinerator? one about, oh say, five foot eight?
posted by sexyrobot at 11:28 AM on March 21, 2008

Old lady has two pet monkeys, devoted to each other. One dies and the other dies soon after. Old lady thinks she'll have them stuffed. Goes to the taxidermist. "Yes of course, madam. And would you like them mounted?" "Oh no, just holding hands will be alright."
posted by binturong at 12:08 PM on March 21, 2008

I just watched Tim Burton's 1984 "Frankenweenie" last night.
posted by strangeguitars at 10:43 PM on March 21, 2008

just got an email response...

Dear (sexiest of all robots),

If we have enough carbon it comes only from the remains. If not then we will add some lab carbon to create the diamond. If we were to perform a special cremation we can capture enough carbon to create hundreds of diamonds. If this is the case then we would like advance notice to arrange for your cremation.

We do effect the colors. Nitrogen turns them fancy yellow, heat turns a yellow green, and radiation turns a green red. Boron turns a colorless blue and a colorless is grown in the absence of nitrogen.

Feel free to keep in touch.


Rusty VandenBiesen

posted by sexyrobot at 11:54 PM on March 25, 2008

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