How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you.
November 12, 2008 8:23 PM Subscribe
Strangely, my two cats are comically loyal, and act like dogs much of the time, following me around, purring, and arching their backs for more petting.
What I'm trying to say is that, whoever you are, my cats are better than yours.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:36 PM on November 12, 2008 [11 favorites]
What I'm trying to say is that, whoever you are, my cats are better than yours.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:36 PM on November 12, 2008 [11 favorites]
There was an awesome little (actually it was quite expansive) series of mirth-stimulating cartoons about cat behaviour that I stumbled across online a while ago. I remember that the main human character was a woman who seemed to do a lot of ballet, and I'm pretty sure it was created by a guy. Any clues?
I also submit that the cats I care for are better than the cats Navelgazer cares for. This is a scientific fact, though I don't have any evidence for it.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:43 PM on November 12, 2008
I also submit that the cats I care for are better than the cats Navelgazer cares for. This is a scientific fact, though I don't have any evidence for it.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:43 PM on November 12, 2008
How could this have left out that thing where they try to trip you so you'll fall and break your neck?
And when they throw knives?
posted by longsleeves at 8:46 PM on November 12, 2008 [10 favorites]
And when they throw knives?
posted by longsleeves at 8:46 PM on November 12, 2008 [10 favorites]
Plotting? Who do you think is posting?
MEOW MOTHERFUCKERS
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:47 PM on November 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
MEOW MOTHERFUCKERS
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:47 PM on November 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
My cat just wants to absorb every last bit of warmth from me because winter is apparently all my fault. I brought out the heating pad earlier and was able to convince him to stay on it AND AWAY FROM ME for a few hours, but he's back now. I'll have to duct tape the little twerp to it to get any work done tomorrow.
Oh, and the hives. He's going to kill me by giving me hives. I didn't used to be allergic, damn it.
posted by maudlin at 8:48 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Oh, and the hives. He's going to kill me by giving me hives. I didn't used to be allergic, damn it.
posted by maudlin at 8:48 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
It's a trick question: they're always plotting to kill you. Right after another nap. And maybe some ear scritches.
posted by Aquaman at 8:53 PM on November 12, 2008 [8 favorites]
posted by Aquaman at 8:53 PM on November 12, 2008 [8 favorites]
You know, I just was telling a friend how cats are really just trying to eat their owners, just slowly and not very successfully. But how many of us cat owner have had their share of being bitten or nibbled for no apparent reason? Why, one night, I even awoke to one of my cats quite literally latched on to my bicep muscle and had to shake her off. The next day I had to go on antibiotics for the deep puncture wounds the bitch gave me.
I've heard from a paramedic that when you die, if you have cats, its pretty much a given they'll start eating you. Dogs might lie down with you and starve to death. Not cats. I'm sure mine won't even wait for my last breath to begin the feast.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 8:58 PM on November 12, 2008
I've heard from a paramedic that when you die, if you have cats, its pretty much a given they'll start eating you. Dogs might lie down with you and starve to death. Not cats. I'm sure mine won't even wait for my last breath to begin the feast.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 8:58 PM on November 12, 2008
Strangely, my two cats are comically loyal, and act like dogs much of the time, following me around, purring, and arching their backs for more petting.
Isn't that just straightforward cat behavior? I taught my kitten to fetch -- I think *that* counts as dog behavior.
posted by spiderwire at 8:59 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
Isn't that just straightforward cat behavior? I taught my kitten to fetch -- I think *that* counts as dog behavior.
posted by spiderwire at 8:59 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
I've heard from a paramedic that when you die, if you have cats, its pretty much a given they'll start eating you. Dogs might lie down with you and starve to death. Not cats. I'm sure mine won't even wait for my last breath to begin the feast.
Maybe the cat is basically trying to commit seppuku -- eat whatever poisoned the master. That or just be efficient?
If my dog doesn't freaking go for help if I'm dying then he's gonna be the one on the damn menu.
posted by spiderwire at 9:03 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Maybe the cat is basically trying to commit seppuku -- eat whatever poisoned the master. That or just be efficient?
If my dog doesn't freaking go for help if I'm dying then he's gonna be the one on the damn menu.
posted by spiderwire at 9:03 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm now living with two kitties, I only moved in with them about a week ago. I'm pretty sure they've already ruined my airmattress and I have no doubt they would maul me given half the chance.
Still, they are so damn cute and have already become my bestest friends.
posted by piratebowling at 9:05 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Still, they are so damn cute and have already become my bestest friends.
posted by piratebowling at 9:05 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
"Cats aren't very good at smothering people"?
Either this site lies, or my cat is especially talented.
(also: if I die, the cats are welcome to me. I don't see why yet another instance of dog stupidity gets lauded as some sort of virtue.)
posted by pompomtom at 9:07 PM on November 12, 2008 [7 favorites]
Either this site lies, or my cat is especially talented.
(also: if I die, the cats are welcome to me. I don't see why yet another instance of dog stupidity gets lauded as some sort of virtue.)
posted by pompomtom at 9:07 PM on November 12, 2008 [7 favorites]
Sign #1 that your cat is trying to kill you: It is a CAT. Honestly, people, have you ever interacted with a cat?
posted by honeydew at 9:10 PM on November 12, 2008 [8 favorites]
posted by honeydew at 9:10 PM on November 12, 2008 [8 favorites]
How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you.
It's breathing.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:10 PM on November 12, 2008 [30 favorites]
It's breathing.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:10 PM on November 12, 2008 [30 favorites]
SCREW YOU HONEYDEW
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:11 PM on November 12, 2008
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:11 PM on November 12, 2008
There was an awesome little (actually it was quite expansive) series of mirth-stimulating cartoons about cat behaviour that I stumbled across online a while ago. I remember that the main human character was a woman who seemed to do a lot of ballet, and I'm pretty sure it was created by a guy. Any clues?
I expect that you're talking about The Hallmarks of Felinity - a collection of 9 Chickweed Lane comic strips.
posted by nightwood at 9:18 PM on November 12, 2008 [5 favorites]
I expect that you're talking about The Hallmarks of Felinity - a collection of 9 Chickweed Lane comic strips.
posted by nightwood at 9:18 PM on November 12, 2008 [5 favorites]
How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you.
If you have to ask, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:19 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
If you have to ask, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:19 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
I taught my kitten to fetch...
One of ours came that way naturally.
pretty sure they're not trying to kill us. I hope.
posted by rtha at 9:19 PM on November 12, 2008
One of ours came that way naturally.
pretty sure they're not trying to kill us. I hope.
posted by rtha at 9:19 PM on November 12, 2008
I just was telling a friend how cats are really just trying to eat their owners, just slowly and not very successfully.
My very neurotic meezer (the one on the right) loves wrists. As I'm petting him, I can see him working his head around, so as to get the best possible angle for when he closes his mouth on my wrist. He doesn't break the skin, he just closes his teeth until it hurts enough for me to pull away. At which point I whack him on the head, and the whole process repeats itself. And then every once in a while, while I'm trying to sleep, he'll lick me.
He's extremely weird, even for a cat. Even for a Siamese cat.
posted by god hates math at 9:22 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
My very neurotic meezer (the one on the right) loves wrists. As I'm petting him, I can see him working his head around, so as to get the best possible angle for when he closes his mouth on my wrist. He doesn't break the skin, he just closes his teeth until it hurts enough for me to pull away. At which point I whack him on the head, and the whole process repeats itself. And then every once in a while, while I'm trying to sleep, he'll lick me.
He's extremely weird, even for a cat. Even for a Siamese cat.
posted by god hates math at 9:22 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
Strangely, my two cats are comically loyal...
Navelgazer: Et tu, Mr. Jingles? Then fall, Navelgazer.
posted by nathan_teske at 9:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
Navelgazer: Et tu, Mr. Jingles? Then fall, Navelgazer.
posted by nathan_teske at 9:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
"No. No, those aren't cat scratches. I, uh, walked into a sharp door. It was my fault."
posted by shadytrees at 9:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [14 favorites]
posted by shadytrees at 9:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [14 favorites]
Well, my cat likes to sleep on my chest while I'm at the computer (a chair that leans back turns out not to be such a good idea), with his nose right at my jugular. He seems quiescent now, but I'm obviously having second thoughts.
posted by dhartung at 9:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by dhartung at 9:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
My cat is industrious and hard working so I needn't worry about his moral failing like all those lesser cats. And he plays fetch and likes biting my armpits, with the firm discipline given by market forces.
posted by allen.spaulding at 9:29 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by allen.spaulding at 9:29 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you.
Answer: If it's breathing.
posted by paisley henosis at 9:30 PM on November 12, 2008
Answer: If it's breathing.
posted by paisley henosis at 9:30 PM on November 12, 2008
BEAT TWICE DAMMIT
posted by paisley henosis at 9:31 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by paisley henosis at 9:31 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
My cat is a convicted feline.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:31 PM on November 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:31 PM on November 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
They're in the lap of justice.
nickyskye, you are somehow in possession of all the greatest stuff on the internet. You were made for metafilter, I guess.
posted by dammitjim at 9:39 PM on November 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
nickyskye, you are somehow in possession of all the greatest stuff on the internet. You were made for metafilter, I guess.
posted by dammitjim at 9:39 PM on November 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
The font used on this website is a free front called Diavlo.
NO SHIT! My cat's name is Diavlo!* What are the chances?
*Lie constructed for entertainment purposes only.
posted by not_on_display at 9:41 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
NO SHIT! My cat's name is Diavlo!* What are the chances?
*Lie constructed for entertainment purposes only.
posted by not_on_display at 9:41 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
Now why would she do that? She's my sweet kitty!
posted by LordSludge at 9:42 PM on November 12, 2008
posted by LordSludge at 9:42 PM on November 12, 2008
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
I WILL EAT HIM BIT BY BIT WHILE HE SLEEPS!
posted by netbros at 9:44 PM on November 12, 2008 [11 favorites]
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
I WILL EAT HIM BIT BY BIT WHILE HE SLEEPS!
posted by netbros at 9:44 PM on November 12, 2008 [11 favorites]
From the site: Bringing you dead animals. This isn't a gift. It's a warning.
I knew it! That explains why I get a Godfatheresque-Horse-Head-In-The-Bed feeling of dread when those mutilated field mice show up on the welcome mat.
posted by amyms at 9:57 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
I knew it! That explains why I get a Godfatheresque-Horse-Head-In-The-Bed feeling of dread when those mutilated field mice show up on the welcome mat.
posted by amyms at 9:57 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
So wait, does this mean that Diavlo is also trying to kill me? I'm confused...
posted by agress at 9:59 PM on November 12, 2008
posted by agress at 9:59 PM on November 12, 2008
It's true. It's all true. And yet we are powerless - well, some of us - to resist their feline charm.
Why, dammit? WHY?
posted by davidmsc at 10:06 PM on November 12, 2008
Why, dammit? WHY?
posted by davidmsc at 10:06 PM on November 12, 2008
I have no doubt that I am still breathing at the whim of my three cats. Every breath I take I thank them. Borrowed time I tell you. I keep them away by making tin foil balls out of pieces of my tin foil hat. My concern is how I keep them from reading my mind after I use the foil for the balls. Decisions decisions.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:08 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:08 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
If cats had thumbs, we'd all be dead.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 10:11 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
posted by Ron Thanagar at 10:11 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
My cat and I have an arrangement; I give her love, food, and shelter, she gives me BRAIN PARASITES that change my personality and behavior in subtle ways. And it's worked out OK so far.
posted by Auden at 10:18 PM on November 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
posted by Auden at 10:18 PM on November 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
Maru the cat is a cardboard seeking missle.
posted by clearly at 10:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by clearly at 10:23 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
I'm pretty sure my cat is plotting to kill me, but I have no idea why.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:33 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by louche mustachio at 10:33 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
if you have cats, its pretty much a given they'll start eating you. Dogs might lie down with you and starve to death. Not cats. I'm sure mine won't even wait for my last breath to begin the feast.
See, I've heard this a lot but never really understood it in the whole context of the Cats v. Dogs argument.
"I want a pet that's too fucking stupid to keep itself alive" doesn't seem that compelling to me.
And drop the whole "loyalty" bullshit line. My cats like me, they just don't like you. And on this sideline we're all fine with that.
posted by Cyrano at 10:40 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
See, I've heard this a lot but never really understood it in the whole context of the Cats v. Dogs argument.
"I want a pet that's too fucking stupid to keep itself alive" doesn't seem that compelling to me.
And drop the whole "loyalty" bullshit line. My cats like me, they just don't like you. And on this sideline we're all fine with that.
posted by Cyrano at 10:40 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
Wait this suddenly morphed into that 'awesome things about dating a unicorn' ad from a few months ago. KITTY BLUE
posted by shakespeherian at 10:53 PM on November 12, 2008
posted by shakespeherian at 10:53 PM on November 12, 2008
My cat, Brain, likes to jump on my back...and haaaaang. Her plans for world domination are not so covert.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:03 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by iamkimiam at 11:03 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
I could swear that the first time I looked at this it didn't have any of the Mingle links at the bottom. Maybe they just didn't load… or maybe CONSPIRACY
posted by shakespeherian at 11:03 PM on November 12, 2008
posted by shakespeherian at 11:03 PM on November 12, 2008
There is an 83% change my cat is trying to kill me. Now if I could only figure out which cat...
posted by DiscourseMarker at 11:07 PM on November 12, 2008
posted by DiscourseMarker at 11:07 PM on November 12, 2008
I am not scared, since our cats seem to be more interested in attacking our feet while we sleep than our faces. I for one am not going to be the one that explains that just because the feet move more often, they are not the most important target.
I <3 Cats
posted by schyler523 at 11:14 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
I <3 Cats
posted by schyler523 at 11:14 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
My cat, Brain, likes to jump on my back...and haaaaang. Her plans for world domination are not so covert.
Whoa. You have a gremlin cat.
I can see why you gave him that name.
posted by Caduceus at 11:25 PM on November 12, 2008
Whoa. You have a gremlin cat.
I can see why you gave him that name.
posted by Caduceus at 11:25 PM on November 12, 2008
Our cat steals the wok from the kitchen cabinets. No lie. A wok is a pretty difficult thing to misplace in a small apartment kitchen, but neither I nor my wife, individually nor in concert, could find it.
A few days later, I heard the distinctive sounds of the cat bat at a cabinet door until it opened... and then the mewing that means "I found something and I don't know if I'm supposed to kill it, eat it, and/or be petted by it." I thought "what are the chances?" and went to investigate... and there was the wok, plain as day, in the cabinet she'd just opened.
posted by Foosnark at 11:31 PM on November 12, 2008
A few days later, I heard the distinctive sounds of the cat bat at a cabinet door until it opened... and then the mewing that means "I found something and I don't know if I'm supposed to kill it, eat it, and/or be petted by it." I thought "what are the chances?" and went to investigate... and there was the wok, plain as day, in the cabinet she'd just opened.
posted by Foosnark at 11:31 PM on November 12, 2008
Cats are simply biding their time until they figure out how to operate can openers.
just because the feet move more often, they are not the most important target.
No, you misunderstand. With no feet, you won't be able to escape. More fun to play with live prey for a while before eating your eyeballs.
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:06 AM on November 13, 2008
just because the feet move more often, they are not the most important target.
No, you misunderstand. With no feet, you won't be able to escape. More fun to play with live prey for a while before eating your eyeballs.
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:06 AM on November 13, 2008
Mingle seem very good at this sort of thing. They should totally start writing content for other people.
posted by bwerdmuller at 2:17 AM on November 13, 2008
posted by bwerdmuller at 2:17 AM on November 13, 2008
Brings to mind the excerpt from the cat diary doing the email rounds a while back:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
posted by Jakey at 2:28 AM on November 13, 2008 [23 favorites]
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
posted by Jakey at 2:28 AM on November 13, 2008 [23 favorites]
The Hallmarks of Felinity were previously referenced on Mefi too, Turgid Dahlia.
Yes, I know that they've been linked upthread, but I wanted a little bit of credit.
posted by ChrisR at 3:29 AM on November 13, 2008
Yes, I know that they've been linked upthread, but I wanted a little bit of credit.
posted by ChrisR at 3:29 AM on November 13, 2008
I just was telling a friend how cats are really just trying to eat their owners, just slowly and not very successfully.
Cats don't have owners. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
posted by notreally at 3:47 AM on November 13, 2008 [10 favorites]
I saw a documentary on cats and dogs. Dogs are better.
posted by juiceCake at 4:41 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by juiceCake at 4:41 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
If my dog doesn't freaking go for help if I'm dying then he's gonna be the one on the damn menu.
Lassie: It's What's For Breakfast!
posted by flibbertigibbet at 5:00 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Lassie: It's What's For Breakfast!
posted by flibbertigibbet at 5:00 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
OMG! It's coming from inside the house! Thanks for the laugh.
posted by fuse theorem at 5:21 AM on November 13, 2008
posted by fuse theorem at 5:21 AM on November 13, 2008
Can there really be 62 comments with no mention of this?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:28 AM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:28 AM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
Ah, dog people. They'll schlep half-ton bags of kibble out to their car, they'll be dragged around town on a leash several times a day, they'll bend down to pick warm feces off the street, all for a bit of utter dependency "loyal companionship."
And somehow cat people are the pathetic losers?
Cats do the darnedest things: Mine would climb onto the top of the couch and bite my scalp. I like to tell myself she wasn't hungry for brains, but rather was valiantly trying to "rescue" me, a la Roy Horn, from a lifetime of television addiction.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:49 AM on November 13, 2008
And somehow cat people are the pathetic losers?
Cats do the darnedest things: Mine would climb onto the top of the couch and bite my scalp. I like to tell myself she wasn't hungry for brains, but rather was valiantly trying to "rescue" me, a la Roy Horn, from a lifetime of television addiction.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:49 AM on November 13, 2008
My lovely, now deceased cat Taliesin tried to smother my then-girlfriend as she slept. Somehow that didn't deter either of them.
posted by Skorgu at 5:56 AM on November 13, 2008
posted by Skorgu at 5:56 AM on November 13, 2008
And that reminds me. My local veterinary office has had somewhat of a staff problem lately, their main vet had the temerity to get pregnant leading to a string of temporary vets of varying qualities. I went in there for something or other sans-animal (probably to pick up food or drugs or something) and chaos greeted me.
Not only was there a temporary vet but the normal staff/assistant/technician/receptionist/etc. was out sick. The temporary vet had brought in her assistant who was manning the desk, answering calls, etc. Except, as he explained to me, he had no idea how the billing/appointment system worked and didn't want to break it so the best he could do was write little notes for the normal staff and hope things would get ironed out in the long run.
As he as explaining this to an apparently dense caller, he bent his head down to shield the phone from the noise of a crowded veterinary office. The office cat, known to all as Princess decided that this was unacceptable and proceeded to play "pay attention to me."
Not one to be distracted, the poor man simply turned away and sunk a bit lower.
Princess proceeded to climb onto his head and gnaw on his scalp.
He did what every good cat person would under the circumstances, he reached up and scratched her behind the ears. Never lost his train of thought, never varied his tone of voice, never even moved as he was being slowly digested. Finally finished, hung up and received a round of applause from the waiting room.
posted by Skorgu at 6:04 AM on November 13, 2008 [15 favorites]
Not only was there a temporary vet but the normal staff/assistant/technician/receptionist/etc. was out sick. The temporary vet had brought in her assistant who was manning the desk, answering calls, etc. Except, as he explained to me, he had no idea how the billing/appointment system worked and didn't want to break it so the best he could do was write little notes for the normal staff and hope things would get ironed out in the long run.
As he as explaining this to an apparently dense caller, he bent his head down to shield the phone from the noise of a crowded veterinary office. The office cat, known to all as Princess decided that this was unacceptable and proceeded to play "pay attention to me."
Not one to be distracted, the poor man simply turned away and sunk a bit lower.
Princess proceeded to climb onto his head and gnaw on his scalp.
He did what every good cat person would under the circumstances, he reached up and scratched her behind the ears. Never lost his train of thought, never varied his tone of voice, never even moved as he was being slowly digested. Finally finished, hung up and received a round of applause from the waiting room.
posted by Skorgu at 6:04 AM on November 13, 2008 [15 favorites]
nickyskye,
Do you know where that picture was taken?
posted by lukemeister at 6:12 AM on November 13, 2008
Do you know where that picture was taken?
posted by lukemeister at 6:12 AM on November 13, 2008
The font used on this page is at least as bad as being killed by a cat.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:15 AM on November 13, 2008
posted by Wolfdog at 6:15 AM on November 13, 2008
Wolfdog,
Right, I don't get the heavy-metal umlauts in the sentence about jaded zombies.
posted by lukemeister at 6:25 AM on November 13, 2008
Right, I don't get the heavy-metal umlauts in the sentence about jaded zombies.
posted by lukemeister at 6:25 AM on November 13, 2008
their main vet had the temerity to get pregnant
"To help control the vet population..."
posted by Sys Rq at 6:26 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
"To help control the vet population..."
posted by Sys Rq at 6:26 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Cat stereotypes. Feh. Our three cats are as non-stereotypical cat as can be. One (Bug) thinks he's a dog, another (Mouchette) thinks she's human, the third (Simon) thinks he's a monkey.
Bug is frightened by any sound louder than a finger snap (except the opening of a potato chip bag or beef jerky bag) and spends 95% of his day under our bed. Mouchette is quite talkative and we have many back-and-forths between the two of us. Simon eats corn on the cob. And the cob. (As well as lettuce and asparagus.)
Go figure.
posted by grubi at 6:31 AM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
Bug is frightened by any sound louder than a finger snap (except the opening of a potato chip bag or beef jerky bag) and spends 95% of his day under our bed. Mouchette is quite talkative and we have many back-and-forths between the two of us. Simon eats corn on the cob. And the cob. (As well as lettuce and asparagus.)
Go figure.
posted by grubi at 6:31 AM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
Visited a friend who just had a baby. She also has 2 cats. The cats never left the babys room. She said they were protecting the baby.
Uh... no.. they were stalking the baby.. told my wife to say goodbye to the baby.. it will be over in a few days...
posted by MattScully at 6:34 AM on November 13, 2008
Uh... no.. they were stalking the baby.. told my wife to say goodbye to the baby.. it will be over in a few days...
posted by MattScully at 6:34 AM on November 13, 2008
Nickyskye's picture "in the lap of justice" doesn't depict the goddess of justice (no scales, no blindfold). I think she's Ceres, the goddess of agriculture - she's wearing a crown of wheat and holding a sheaf of grain and a sickle. It figures the cat would choose Ceres - why snuggle up with Justice when you can have food instead?
posted by Quietgal at 8:14 AM on November 13, 2008
posted by Quietgal at 8:14 AM on November 13, 2008
Cats are like Batman, they plot to kill everyone. It's just what they do, they probably won't ever act on it.
posted by Artw at 8:25 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Artw at 8:25 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
I would tell you stories about my many decades with cats, but I've currently got one on either side of me, and they're watching the screen...so I'm afraid I'll have to go find tuna instead.
Nice kitteh, niiiiice kitteh!
posted by dejah420 at 8:32 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Nice kitteh, niiiiice kitteh!
posted by dejah420 at 8:32 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Our cat loves to function as an alarm clock in the mornings, pawing us to wake up and feed/water her or let her outside as soon as the dawn breaks. We had made some progress in the past few weeks getting her to understand that we were allowed to sleep in weekends, then daylight savings time came around and screwed everything up. We'll never get her to understand that.
This cat also has the irritating habit of only wanting to drink water from our own glasses or running from the bathtub spigot. In order to break her of this behavior we went out and bought a $50 cat water fountain so that she would have some running water to drink. She used it one time and has at last started drinking out of her stationary water bowl that she had previously ignored for most of her life.
After having been disturbed regularly this week up to an hour and a half before our alarm is set, I accidentally left her outside last night. I was so well rested upon waking and letting the cat back in, (through the living room window, of course,) that I spontaneously composed a limerick while dressing.
I can tell you from having a feline,
that thier actions are not always benign.
After raising a cat,
I can say for a fact,
that our next pet will of course be a canine!
posted by daHIFI at 8:50 AM on November 13, 2008
This cat also has the irritating habit of only wanting to drink water from our own glasses or running from the bathtub spigot. In order to break her of this behavior we went out and bought a $50 cat water fountain so that she would have some running water to drink. She used it one time and has at last started drinking out of her stationary water bowl that she had previously ignored for most of her life.
After having been disturbed regularly this week up to an hour and a half before our alarm is set, I accidentally left her outside last night. I was so well rested upon waking and letting the cat back in, (through the living room window, of course,) that I spontaneously composed a limerick while dressing.
I can tell you from having a feline,
that thier actions are not always benign.
After raising a cat,
I can say for a fact,
that our next pet will of course be a canine!
posted by daHIFI at 8:50 AM on November 13, 2008
This is why I always get along with cats. I'm plotting to kill you, too.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:06 AM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:06 AM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
I've come to accept that my cats desire my life's blood, but I've made an agreement with them; they can only have me after they've helped me to defeat everyone else.
This is why they spend all day sleeping on my bed; they are diligently putting together the master plot by which I will be made king of the world! They told me that they will reveal it all to me as soon as I've fed them a preordained number of times; you know, just to prove I will be a worthy leader.
They also mandated that I provide them with a steady supply of glitter balls... I'm not certain how this plays into their planning, but I don't want to question their judgment, they told me that they are geniuses who can't be doubted.
posted by quin at 9:16 AM on November 13, 2008
This is why they spend all day sleeping on my bed; they are diligently putting together the master plot by which I will be made king of the world! They told me that they will reveal it all to me as soon as I've fed them a preordained number of times; you know, just to prove I will be a worthy leader.
They also mandated that I provide them with a steady supply of glitter balls... I'm not certain how this plays into their planning, but I don't want to question their judgment, they told me that they are geniuses who can't be doubted.
posted by quin at 9:16 AM on November 13, 2008
I enjoyed the cats, so I read a few other things on the mingle2 blog site, and they were all pretty funny, so when it finally suggested a sex quiz, I figured it would also be a funny sex quiz and I went for it. They asked for a lot of personal info, which I promptly invented and gave to them in order to be helpful. Turned out to be an entirely serious sex quiz which was meant to convince me to try online dating. What was funny was discovering that there were more than 70 other mingle2 users from my hometown of Butt, Alabama.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 9:40 AM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 9:40 AM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
I just want to say that I once spent an evening listening to several drunk ex-cops talking about the worst crime scenes they'd encoutered and I think you all ought to know: if they get hungry enough your dogs WILL eat your bloated corpse.
posted by lysistrata at 10:05 AM on November 13, 2008
posted by lysistrata at 10:05 AM on November 13, 2008
So, lysistrata -- you're saying my dachshund's constant need to lick my leg is just testing to see if I has a flavor?
Spike, the older and bolder of our two cats, likes to smother your mouth. Not with his face, not with his stomach...yeah, you don't want to know...
posted by bitter-girl.com at 10:17 AM on November 13, 2008
Spike, the older and bolder of our two cats, likes to smother your mouth. Not with his face, not with his stomach...yeah, you don't want to know...
posted by bitter-girl.com at 10:17 AM on November 13, 2008
Cats .... can't live with 'em .... pass the soy sauce
posted by ElvisJesus at 10:39 AM on November 13, 2008
posted by ElvisJesus at 10:39 AM on November 13, 2008
LIKE DUH, the purpose of the cat is to flip out and kill people.
Everyone knows that.
posted by tristeza at 10:54 AM on November 13, 2008
Everyone knows that.
posted by tristeza at 10:54 AM on November 13, 2008
Moved into a cat group home of sorts two years ago. The score so far:
Fezboy!: 2
Cats: 0
Just one left to outlive and then it's ferrets for everybody!
posted by Fezboy! at 10:58 AM on November 13, 2008
Fezboy!: 2
Cats: 0
Just one left to outlive and then it's ferrets for everybody!
posted by Fezboy! at 10:58 AM on November 13, 2008
I get to post my cat fetching/knock out video? Awesome!
posted by djeo at 11:05 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by djeo at 11:05 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Oh man, nickyskye, thanks for that photo. I believe this is where Wensleydale envisions herself while she spends most of her day judging us all. Harshly.
And yes, I've always known that my feline companions are plotting not only to kill me personally, but to take over the world. My only advantage here, and the reason they let me live, is that they don't have thumbs to open the catfood. Also, they don't feel like cleaning the litterbox themselves.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:28 AM on November 13, 2008
And yes, I've always known that my feline companions are plotting not only to kill me personally, but to take over the world. My only advantage here, and the reason they let me live, is that they don't have thumbs to open the catfood. Also, they don't feel like cleaning the litterbox themselves.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:28 AM on November 13, 2008
nickyskye,
Do you know where that picture was taken?
Just found it on the web, no attribution was given.
Nickyskye's picture "in the lap of justice" doesn't depict the goddess of justice (no scales, no blindfold). I think she's Ceres, the goddess of agriculture - she's wearing a crown of wheat and holding a sheaf of grain and a sickle. It figures the cat would choose Ceres - why snuggle up with Justice when you can have food instead?
Quietgal nailed it exactly. The statue just looks like those classic big government courthouse ones. Justice never sits down on the job? I guess the goddess of fertility, Ceres, does?
But I needed a justice-like statue and that did the job. A tiny cat all snuggled up in those official bronze robes, looking innocent, when they've probably just conferred with their lawyer.
posted by nickyskye at 11:57 AM on November 13, 2008
Do you know where that picture was taken?
Just found it on the web, no attribution was given.
Nickyskye's picture "in the lap of justice" doesn't depict the goddess of justice (no scales, no blindfold). I think she's Ceres, the goddess of agriculture - she's wearing a crown of wheat and holding a sheaf of grain and a sickle. It figures the cat would choose Ceres - why snuggle up with Justice when you can have food instead?
Quietgal nailed it exactly. The statue just looks like those classic big government courthouse ones. Justice never sits down on the job? I guess the goddess of fertility, Ceres, does?
But I needed a justice-like statue and that did the job. A tiny cat all snuggled up in those official bronze robes, looking innocent, when they've probably just conferred with their lawyer.
posted by nickyskye at 11:57 AM on November 13, 2008
Ah, dog people. They'll schlep half-ton bags of kibble out to their car, they'll be dragged around town on a leash several times a day, they'll bend down to pick warm feces off the street, all for a bit of utter dependency "loyal companionship."
Spoken like someone who has never palled around with terriers.
posted by The Bellman at 12:05 PM on November 13, 2008
Spoken like someone who has never palled around with terriers.
posted by The Bellman at 12:05 PM on November 13, 2008
I CAN HAZ PTSD
(babycat will need therapy)
posted by nickyskye at 12:13 PM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
(babycat will need therapy)
posted by nickyskye at 12:13 PM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
I get to post my cat fetching/knock out video? Awesome!
*skitterskitter*
*bonk*
*me, laughing*
Aww, poor kitteh. One of my parents' cats used to tear down the living room into the kitchen, corner like she was on rails, and zoom into the back of the house.
Most of the time.
Every so often she'd misjudge, and go skidding across the kitchen floor into the wall, whereupon she would engage in displacement grooming.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:31 PM on November 13, 2008
*skitterskitter*
*bonk*
*me, laughing*
Aww, poor kitteh. One of my parents' cats used to tear down the living room into the kitchen, corner like she was on rails, and zoom into the back of the house.
Most of the time.
Every so often she'd misjudge, and go skidding across the kitchen floor into the wall, whereupon she would engage in displacement grooming.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:31 PM on November 13, 2008
If cats had thumbs, we'd all be dead
They're working on it.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 2:10 PM on November 13, 2008
They're working on it.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 2:10 PM on November 13, 2008
They're working on it.
posted by [insert clever name here]
*shrieks, runs from room, sells house, moves to Antarctica*
posted by Ron Thanagar at 2:45 PM on November 13, 2008
posted by [insert clever name here]
*shrieks, runs from room, sells house, moves to Antarctica*
posted by Ron Thanagar at 2:45 PM on November 13, 2008
I CAN HAZ POSABLE THUMBZ (Did you know Oprah is polydactyl?)
posted by nickyskye at 2:57 PM on November 13, 2008
posted by nickyskye at 2:57 PM on November 13, 2008
A tiny cat all snuggled up in those official bronze robes
The proper application of kittehs could have saved John Ashcroft a lot of time and money,
posted by lukemeister at 3:06 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
The proper application of kittehs could have saved John Ashcroft a lot of time and money,
posted by lukemeister at 3:06 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
[insert clever name here], They're working on a little more than thumbs, I think. Steal the face right off of your head....
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 8:12 PM on November 13, 2008
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 8:12 PM on November 13, 2008
Ah, dog people. They'll schlep half-ton bags of kibble out to their car, they'll be dragged around town on a leash several times a day, they'll bend down to pick warm feces off the street, all for a bit of utter dependency "loyal companionship."
And somehow cat people are the pathetic losers?
Losers? That's just silly. It's all about preference. Having an animal shit and piss inside your house and having to clean that up is preferable to cleaning up an animal that shits outside has nothing to with winning or losing.
Love you're use of quotes. As clever as a cat.
posted by juiceCake at 8:58 AM on November 17, 2008
And somehow cat people are the pathetic losers?
Losers? That's just silly. It's all about preference. Having an animal shit and piss inside your house and having to clean that up is preferable to cleaning up an animal that shits outside has nothing to with winning or losing.
Love you're use of quotes. As clever as a cat.
posted by juiceCake at 8:58 AM on November 17, 2008
Love you're use of quotes. As clever as a cat.
Yes. Pick on that guy's punctuation. Well done.
(my cats piss and shit in the yard....)
posted by pompomtom at 1:33 AM on November 18, 2008
Yes. Pick on that guy's punctuation. Well done.
(my cats piss and shit in the yard....)
posted by pompomtom at 1:33 AM on November 18, 2008
It's a well known fact that grammar nazis have small penis's.
posted by Artw at 10:18 AM on November 18, 2008
posted by Artw at 10:18 AM on November 18, 2008
It's a well known fact that grammar nazis have small penis's.
Nice trap. But the bait's a bit small.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:22 AM on November 18, 2008
Nice trap. But the bait's a bit small.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:22 AM on November 18, 2008
Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:26 AM on November 18, 2008
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:26 AM on November 18, 2008
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This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
The hair balls are a pain, however.
posted by yhbc at 8:30 PM on November 12, 2008 [9 favorites]