Random Boner
April 30, 2009 10:37 AM   Subscribe

A catalog of unfortunate moments in maleness courtesy of Awkward Boners (NSFW).
posted by hermitosis (107 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite


 
I think I know one of those guys
posted by prufrock at 10:41 AM on April 30, 2009


I would need a closer look to be sure, myself.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:41 AM on April 30, 2009


The hit-in-head-with-golf-ball one is the best. Pro-click.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:41 AM on April 30, 2009


Ah, men. Is there nowhere they won't inadvertently advertise their readiness for coitus?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:42 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Is this something I would need to have erections to understand?
posted by Joe Beese at 10:43 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Through bitter experience, I have learned not to advertise it in the pages of "Boner Hating Lesbians" magazine.

That being said, that magazine still has some of the best alternative music coverage around.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:44 AM on April 30, 2009 [5 favorites]


It's always penises with you.
posted by stavrogin at 10:45 AM on April 30, 2009


I have 'READY FOR COITUS' tattooed on the side of mine, like this:
8==readyforcoitus==D

When it's flaccid it shortens to 'RAD'.
posted by carsonb at 10:45 AM on April 30, 2009 [12 favorites]


Did you hear about the man with five awkward boners?

His pants fit him like an ill-fitting glove!
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:45 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Huh. Maybe I'm doing something wrong (or right) but I never just happen to see guys with big boners walking around...
posted by JoanArkham at 10:46 AM on April 30, 2009


bonerzone
posted by DU at 10:46 AM on April 30, 2009


As it turns out, this was my 69th post.

(Not [NOT-HERMITOSISIST]-ist)
posted by hermitosis at 10:47 AM on April 30, 2009


BonerzLOL
posted by Mister_A at 10:49 AM on April 30, 2009


When I was about 11 or 12 we had to take swimming once a week. One kid in my class got a boner right before he had to demonstrate his backstroke. From then on we called him Jaws.
posted by ob at 10:50 AM on April 30, 2009 [14 favorites]


LOLHUMANPHYSIOLOGY!
posted by barrett caulk at 10:50 AM on April 30, 2009


But seriously, if you've never had a boner, you're missing out. It's the best thing ever. I get a boner when it's sunny–most enjoyable!
posted by Mister_A at 10:50 AM on April 30, 2009 [5 favorites]


Random Boner?
posted by NationalKato at 10:50 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


No matter how deep you dig you will never find the full extent of awkward boners. No matter how much research you do, unless you were a teenage male at leat ten years ago, you cannot imagine how an awkward boner will be regarded. For my brothers who are currently suffering, I've been there, but trust me. In the future, when you're drunk, it's really funny.
posted by Science! at 10:51 AM on April 30, 2009 [2 favorites]


Ah, men. Is there nowhere they won't inadvertently advertise their readiness for coitus?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:42 PM on April 30


An abattoir, we hope.
posted by Pastabagel at 10:51 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


swimming class in school
clinging wet on goosebump skin
thinking of baseball
posted by jimmythefish at 10:52 AM on April 30, 2009 [3 favorites]


A friend who does wedding and event photography saw this site and said that this is "every Sweet 16 ever."
posted by uncleozzy at 10:52 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Is it sunny in the abattoir, Pastabagel?
posted by Mister_A at 10:53 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Ah, men. Is there nowhere they won't inadvertently advertise their readiness for coitus?

I think you're being hard on the male gender, AV. We often face stiff competition for potential partners. Sometimes the only way to get out of the woods is to bone up on advertising strategies, and pitch our tent wherever we can.
posted by dersins at 10:56 AM on April 30, 2009 [13 favorites]


ERECTION!!!!
posted by dersins at 10:56 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


I have 'READY FOR COITUS' tattooed on the side of mine

That's nice. I opted for the Treaty of Westphalia.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:57 AM on April 30, 2009 [24 favorites]


I believe they are no longer up.
posted by parudox at 10:57 AM on April 30, 2009


Obligatory Joker Boner
posted by yhbc at 10:58 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


What does a man with two dicks say when the tailor asks him if he dresses to the right or left?

"Yes."
posted by spitefulcrow at 10:58 AM on April 30, 2009


You want an awkward boner? Here's five.
posted by piratebowling at 11:00 AM on April 30, 2009


HAH.

That said, I think a lot of these are not actually boners. for example, that guy probably just has an extra baseball in his pocket.
posted by delmoi at 11:02 AM on April 30, 2009


Hermitosis: between this and your Guys With Iphones post, can we safely assume something is ...on your mind?
posted by The Whelk at 11:03 AM on April 30, 2009


That's no woman!
posted by ericb at 11:03 AM on April 30, 2009


Yea delmoi, if Jeter was built like that they'd change the position to LONGstop, get it?

Heh. Not very funny really, is it?
posted by Mister_A at 11:04 AM on April 30, 2009


I like boners.
posted by WolfDaddy at 11:05 AM on April 30, 2009 [3 favorites]


Mmm, cathartic.
posted by Nelson at 11:07 AM on April 30, 2009


I'm grateful that fashions were at maximum bagginesss during my most boner-vulnerable years. Kids today and their tights jeans, it must be rough.
posted by gngstrMNKY at 11:07 AM on April 30, 2009 [2 favorites]


I've never had an awkward boner. Seriously, the guy is like Noël Coward in a hoodie, he gets invited to more parties than I do.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:08 AM on April 30, 2009


That site is full of pop-ups.
posted by azpenguin at 11:08 AM on April 30, 2009 [23 favorites]


When my husband and I were dating in high school, an inadvertent boner was a source of embarassment. Now that he's 42, a random boner is a source of pride.

Don't tell him I talked about his penis on the intarwebs.
posted by amyms at 11:10 AM on April 30, 2009 [4 favorites]


LOL DONGS
posted by xbonesgt at 11:11 AM on April 30, 2009


Am I mistaken in remembering that there was a band called Sweatpants Boner? Regardless, that's my favorite band name ever.
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:11 AM on April 30, 2009


Yummy.
posted by ericb at 11:12 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Hermitosis: between this and your Guys With Iphones post, can we safely assume something is ...on your mind?

Yeah -- this time of year I always get this strong desire to start dabbling in photography again. Must be the warm weather.
posted by hermitosis at 11:12 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


I have 'READY FOR COITUS' tattooed on the side of mine, like this:
8==readyforcoitus==D

When it's flaccid it shortens to 'RAD'.


I did the same thing, but mine shortens to READ IT.
posted by emelenjr at 11:12 AM on April 30, 2009


I have 'READY FOR COITUS' tattooed on the side of mine

That's nice. I opted for the Treaty of Westphalia.


i got 'ADIDAS' tattoed on my junk. problem is, when i'm flaccid, it spells 'AIDS'.
posted by porn in the woods at 11:14 AM on April 30, 2009 [5 favorites]


My goodness, being in a regatta certainly made those boys happy. And while spandex is a privilege and not a right, in the case of those damp and happy boys, spandex should be mandatory.

Dick Cheney though? That was just wrong.
posted by dejah420 at 11:16 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


I have 'READY FOR COITUS' tattooed on the side of mine,

All caps? How brutish!

I fancy a flowing calligraphic style, and in the original: "Prêt à baiser!" Ooh lala!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:17 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


I could always predict when I was going to be called to the board in class. Awkward boners were a leading indicator.
posted by sonic meat machine at 11:19 AM on April 30, 2009


One night, while I was in high school, I was eating dinner at a friend's house. His mother and grandmother were sitting at the table with us, apparently discussing some culinary matter, because suddenly--and very loudly, in her "old lady from Queens" voice--grandma says, "Oh, I know, I had to use the bohhhaahhh!"

I had to excuse myself from the table.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:19 AM on April 30, 2009


Dick Cheney though? That was just wrong.

I can't decide if WAR BONER should be the name of a Jethro Tull album or a band in its own right.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:22 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Huh. Maybe I'm doing something wrong (or right) but I never just happen to see guys with big boners walking around...

What about little boners?
posted by spicynuts at 11:28 AM on April 30, 2009


Dick Cheney though?

You mean they managed to keep his residence off of Google maps for eight years, but this is out there for everyone to see? I would have preferred that Cheney's dick remained in an undisclosed location. (And yes, though I came early just to snark, I have since hit every page on the linked site and followed the whole thread. Hypocrite!)
posted by barrett caulk at 11:29 AM on April 30, 2009


I just realized while looking at this. Getting a boner while wrestling could really fuck with your opponent's mind.
posted by prufrock at 11:36 AM on April 30, 2009 [2 favorites]


unfortunate moments in maleness courtesy of

I read that as "...moments in male courtesy."
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:38 AM on April 30, 2009


Ah, men. Is there nowhere they won't inadvertently advertise their readiness for coitus?

Not church.

Well, mainly this was due to the fact I'd almost invariably fall asleep in the middle of the main service, but I'm sure all the girls dressed in their Sunday best didn't help any, either. But, yeah, teenage boy + nap + waking up = plenty of wood.

You want awkward? Try shuffling out of a church assembly of 300 in ill-fitting polyester slacks with naught but a bible for a shield for your hormonally supercharged pokey bits. It also probably didn't help that I would also blush as red as a beet at the drop of a hat.

Actually, now that I think about it I'm pretty sure I had a boner continuously from about age 12 until about 24.

Is this awkward enough? I could go put on some yoga pants and think sexy thoughts about the Large Hadron Collider... mmm Hadron Collider. Aaaargh, too late. *blushes*
posted by loquacious at 11:39 AM on April 30, 2009


Wow, 7 posts on MeFi tagged with "boner". Should I have expected greater or fewer?
posted by Mikey-San at 11:41 AM on April 30, 2009


Large Hardon Collider

ftfy
posted by Mikey-San at 11:41 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Too much photoshop.
posted by klangklangston at 11:42 AM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


I just wanted to include myself in this awkward boner link. Because I've had a few. Starting with the first junior high school dance, where I had to crank myself over the boner to give sufficient distance between me and the surprisingly thin fabric layer between me and the ripe flesh of the party-dress-clad girl I was awkwardly clutching. Women will never understand. But I'm not complaining, because I still wake up with an unawkward boner every morning. For which I am thankful (fingers crossed, knock on wood [pardon the pun], and Viagra who?).

Nice post.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 11:44 AM on April 30, 2009


[pardon the pud] ?
posted by barrett caulk at 11:48 AM on April 30, 2009


ftfy

Nope. I tried that already. Still have a boner.
posted by loquacious at 11:49 AM on April 30, 2009


I have 'READY FOR COITUS' tattooed on the side of mine

I asked for Impact but got Comic Sans.
posted by unSane at 11:49 AM on April 30, 2009 [2 favorites]


Oww, the peckerslap. That poor kid.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 11:57 AM on April 30, 2009


So! They laugh at my boner, will they? I'll show them! I'll show them how many boners The Joker can make!
posted by Ratio at 11:57 AM on April 30, 2009


Starting with the first junior high school dance, where I had to crank myself over the boner to give sufficient distance between me and the surprisingly thin fabric layer between me and the ripe flesh of the party-dress-clad girl I was awkwardly clutching.

Oh man, yeah. Doing the whole hips angled away and pointing down thing, chest forward, basically the "velociraptor stance" so as not to poke the poor girl, wishing you could explain that "SERIOUSLY IT JUST DOES ITS OWN THING, I CAN'T CONTROL IT, OH GOD I'M SORRY". Who decided school dances were a good idea, anyway? Bunch of virile young manchildren awkwardly smelling the sweet breath of their female classmates, it's a dangerous scene.
posted by Greg Nog at 12:10 PM on April 30, 2009 [5 favorites]


Bunch of virile puerile young manchildren awkwardly smelling the sweet breath of their female classmates

fixed &c.
posted by dersins at 12:15 PM on April 30, 2009


I once did a play where I had to do a brief nude scene, full frontal. I fretted a lot over: "Jesus, what happens if I get a hard-on right when I have to go on?" It never happened, although I guess the inescapable answer to myself would have to have been, "Well, I guess you're going onstage with a boner."

Of course, when I wasn't worrying about that, I was instead thinking to myself, "I hope everyone realizes that it's February, and this theater is pretty drafty." THANKS, BRAIN.
posted by Skot at 12:17 PM on April 30, 2009


Turtles all the way down and Greg Nog: I, too, know the situation you describe. But in another indicator of our society's moral decline, fewer of today's adolescents are familiar with our shame.
posted by barrett caulk at 12:17 PM on April 30, 2009


Coffee boner
posted by hortense at 12:22 PM on April 30, 2009


*wobbles, then finally puts this down in the CONS column for exploring the advantages and disadvantages of HRT*
posted by adipocere at 12:22 PM on April 30, 2009


barrett caulk: Exactly. Freak dancing? At least we had standards! Harrumph!
posted by Turtles all the way down at 12:30 PM on April 30, 2009


Indeed! We did our dry-humping parked in cars in the football field parking lot or in rheostat-dimmed basements with a perpetual anxiety of the parents' footfalls on those stairs before we'd glimpsed Nirvana.
posted by barrett caulk at 12:36 PM on April 30, 2009


Coffee boner
posted by Greg Nog at 12:42 PM on April 30, 2009


Here is a list of times, conditions, and/or events during/under which young men will get more-or-less spontaneous boners:

Wind
Night
Dinner
School bus
Bike ride
Smell of tacos
Absence of wind
Moonlight
Clouds
Solitude
Opposite of solitude
Air conditioning
Thinking
Music
Peaches

This list is by no means complete, and I've left out some of the more obvious ones (girls/women/mom/boys/men etc.), but it paints a pretty good idea of the kinds of things that can prompt a boner.
posted by Mister_A at 12:46 PM on April 30, 2009 [6 favorites]


You want awkward? Try shuffling out of a church assembly of 300 in ill-fitting polyester slacks with naught but a bible for a shield for your hormonally supercharged pokey bits.

I would have thought communion would be the difficult bit, what with the slow shuffle in a line where you don't have crowd cover, and half the congregation sitting either already back or waiting to join the line. Of course even if it doesn't happen, the fear can be omnipresent. I would have been ready with my prepared explanation "I just really love Jesus" but of course no one asks the question.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:55 PM on April 30, 2009


There should be an instructional video to show young ladies before dances.
posted by drezdn at 1:07 PM on April 30, 2009


Mister_A: shades of Derek & Clive there (the alter-egos of a drunken Peter Cook and Dudley Moore) for example (seriously NSFW)
posted by ob at 1:14 PM on April 30, 2009


I like how the Thais apparently make public furniture out of Chac-Mool.

Either that, or the guy's just been sacrificed; I'm not sure which.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:15 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


I looked. I saw Dick Cheney. I hurled.
posted by tommasz at 1:17 PM on April 30, 2009


Well thanks ob!
posted by Mister_A at 1:28 PM on April 30, 2009


I remember getting an embarrassing boner on a bud ride to school when I was in 11th grade. These were not unusual for me, as something about the gentle vibration of the bus always seemed to encourage swelling, but this time the boney grew to unusual proportions. It forced the other children up against the sides of the bus and eventually out the windows. It pushed the driver straight through the bus's windshield. Eventually it bust the bus apart, as a butterfly bursts out of its pupae.

Of course, it was at that moment that my math teacher arrived and asked me to go to the chalkboard and solve and equation.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:34 PM on April 30, 2009 [5 favorites]


Heh, that must have been some potent bud.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 1:37 PM on April 30, 2009 [5 favorites]


It was pure Mongolian Steppe Horsewheat.

That stuff will fuck you UP.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:47 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


The site appears to have... well... gone down.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:01 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Trust me guys, the girls dancing with you at school dances? Totally aware of the phenomenon. Mostly they just didn't say anything about it.
posted by aclevername at 2:02 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


not to you, anyway.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:05 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


Heh, touché.
posted by aclevername at 2:11 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


haha I'm a girl
I can intentionally think dirty thoughts in public places without risk of embarassment
posted by little e at 2:17 PM on April 30, 2009 [2 favorites]


haha I'm a girl
I can intentionally think dirty thoughts in public places without risk of embarrassment


haha I have ED so I can do that too! In fact I'm having dirty thoughts about you right...OMG I'm CURED!
posted by sexymofo at 2:29 PM on April 30, 2009


Womenfolk may laugh, and that's their prerogative, but they get boners too. They're just (usually) smaller than ours, more unobtrusive, to cause less of an upset in polite company. Bunch a dang sizeist boner-sportin' womefolk.

Dang it! You know what I'm talking about here: erectile tissue. We all got it in one form or another. Some of us have to try and conceal it, but others get away scott free, never having to worry about the random rude bulge ruining the dinner party or wedding photo.

Think about the humiliation of that, womenfolk! How would you all feel if people were staring at your sexy bits and . . . what?

Oh, nevermind then.

What was the question?
posted by metagnathous at 3:11 PM on April 30, 2009


It's boned.
posted by The Whelk at 3:51 PM on April 30, 2009


No C-3P0?
posted by Cyrano at 3:59 PM on April 30, 2009


Spending your free time photoshopping boners is awkward.
posted by sanko at 3:59 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


haha I'm a girl
I can intentionally think dirty thoughts in public places without risk of embarrassment


it can go further than that, too.

girls i've known who had their clits pierced said they would often orgasm walking down the street, just from the way the walking motion would cause the piercing to
rub against them.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:06 PM on April 30, 2009


Looking at all of these, I'm not sure that all of them are sporting a bona fide boner. Some men just protrude more, even when they're not, you know, engorged.
posted by echolalia67 at 4:28 PM on April 30, 2009


In fact I'm having dirty thoughts about you right...OMG I'm CURED!

that sounds about right, back in my carnie days I performed healings AND worked the burlesque show
posted by little e at 4:46 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


This was pretty funny. That's all I have to say.
posted by mnb64 at 5:22 PM on April 30, 2009


http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001458.html - BONERS AHOY!

last panel
posted by sir_rubixalot at 6:01 PM on April 30, 2009 [1 favorite]


The photo of the ex-vice president [sic] reminds of a joke.

What do you call the useless piece of skin attached to the end of a penis?

Dick Cheney.
posted by humannaire at 6:31 PM on April 30, 2009


More like Dick Chubby amirite?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:01 PM on April 30, 2009


Cheney's bulge? Probably a Foley catheter.
posted by porpoise at 9:03 PM on April 30, 2009


Thank god for that, here was me about to have nightmares about the baby's arm Cheney had in his pants.
posted by paisley henosis at 10:50 PM on April 30, 2009


You want awkward? Try shuffling out of a church assembly of 300...

That's what the term "Catholic girls" is all about. (re: see FZ song)
posted by Drasher at 4:57 AM on May 1, 2009


"This song's about boners."
"Yeah. heh-heh BAD Boners"
"There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis."
"What about that time I had chicken pox and my hands were all covered in duct tape?"
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:52 AM on May 1, 2009


What do you call the useless piece of skin attached to the end of a penis?

Dick Cheney.


I thought that was Scooter Libby, oh, you meant the other end.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:12 AM on May 1, 2009 [1 favorite]


Broken? Hmmmm...
posted by unknowncommand at 10:57 PM on May 1, 2009


I could always predict when I was going to be called to the board in class. Awkward boners were a leading indicator.
posted by sonic meat machine at 1:19 PM on April 30


Eponysterical?

Jesus, is that not the truth. I don't know if I ever worked an Algebra problem on the board without one. Also, I blame the cheerleader that sat behind me that apparently wore one of her uniforms to school every day.

At least in my memory she did.
posted by Ynoxas at 12:50 PM on May 12, 2009


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