Dog and cat washing machine
March 20, 2010 11:27 PM   Subscribe

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posted by water bear at 11:27 PM on March 20, 2010

That dog seemed a bit freaked by the wash but also seemed to love the dry. Also, large breeds need not apply.
posted by vrakatar at 11:33 PM on March 20, 2010

You're only going to get a cat into that thing once. Next time you try, you better be wearing chainmail.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 11:34 PM on March 20, 2010 [26 favorites]

Funny they didn't show the one with the cat!
posted by prettypretty at 11:35 PM on March 20, 2010 [2 favorites]

Our neighborhood pet supply store had one of these. They hyped it pretty heavily on the cable access channel. My wife wanted to smack every customer who used it.

Sadly the store and the pet torment washing machine are now gone.
posted by infinitewindow at 11:36 PM on March 20, 2010

You're only going to get a cat into that thing once. Next time you try, you better be wearing chainmail.

This video confirms that statement.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:45 PM on March 20, 2010 [17 favorites]

This will be a great improvement on my pet-themed twin-tub.

(I hope that you too are picturing a dog and cat, heads poking out of the top, calmly, foamily rotating.)

(I hope that you are also grateful for my rejection of the more obvious microwave reference)
posted by Jofus at 11:48 PM on March 20, 2010

Wow. That video with the cat seems needlessly cruel and fucked up, though at least I can see the necessity of a machine to do the job. The dog machine, on the other hand...
posted by smoke at 12:05 AM on March 21, 2010 [9 favorites]

Interestingly, the prototype was a Dog and Cat Dating Machine, which didn't get many repeat customers.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:06 AM on March 21, 2010

One time my mom's cat got into a long dead squirrel. I basically had to do this same thing, but with one of those multi-headed showers. At first the cat screamed bloody murder, but eventually resigned itself to its fate as we all must.

There was no drying cycle, but I don't think the cat minded.
posted by Sukiari at 12:16 AM on March 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

Cats do not like being bathed. Of course that cat is freaking out - you know what? Some cats will freak out now matter how gentle the bath is.

That doesn't mean a cat doesn't always need a bath.

I once had a cat, Frank. Frank was not an outside cat. Frank wanted to be an outside cat, and so he would sneak outside and get into things. All sorts of things, but mostly... the trash.

In Baltimore. In the summer. When we lived next to a deli.

So picture a large male (fixed) tabby cat, with claws, and how difficult it must have been to get the smell of old shrimp salad out of that cat's fur. We tried to let him bathe himself. It did not work. It took a bath, kitty shampoo and so very much patience and care and also...

It took ARMOR.

No, I don't mean that euphemistically. I mean it took a pair of leather gloves to bathe that cat without losing large chunks of the skin of my hands.

He was the nice, sweetest cat, right up until that water started. And then - YOWLING WILD FURBALL KITTY OF TORNADO CLAW DEATH.

Closed door shower, flexible shower head, rain boots, heavy jeans, long-sleeved heavy shirt, leather gloves.

I would have gotten down on my knees and begged for a kitty spa. I don't care how miserable he would have been for that 2 minutes, it would've A) meant about 28 FEWER Minutes I had to spend wrangling miserable wet cat in various stages of bath, B) A cat that did not reek of shrimp salad and C) a cat that didn't sulk because OMG MY HUMAN IS SO MEAN TO ME SHE GAVE ME A BATH.
posted by FritoKAL at 12:16 AM on March 21, 2010 [20 favorites]

Cats are self-cleaning. Stinky cats can sleep outside until self-cleaned.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:19 AM on March 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

I started washing my cats when they were kittens. Still need to bathe them occasionally -- long fur tends to ... get tangled up with stuff. If you start them young they won't like it ever, but at least they know what's coming up and won't freak out. They still give me a terrible look of betrayal afterward, though. Wet cat is not happy cat.
posted by Araucaria at 12:46 AM on March 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

posted by megob at 12:51 AM on March 21, 2010 [3 favorites]

I watched the dog video and said, "Man, if that was a cat..." And lo, the cat did spazz like a crazy motherfucker in the other video. I think the two reactions pretty much sum up the specie in question.

"Oh. Wet. Well, wet isn't much fun. Blah."
*forgets everything that happened*

"Inside? Sure. Hm. Warm. Smells weird. Not sure about this floor thing, but I do like boxes and-"
"The towel protects you and your soft fleshy skin. For now. Oh, there will be a reckoning, children. Pray you do not live to see it..."
posted by Scattercat at 1:18 AM on March 21, 2010 [52 favorites]

Eh, my cat used to get in the shower with me and sit happily in the corner when he was younger. Now he just pokes his head in to see what's going on. He doesn't care to get soaked, but he likes a little water on his head. I think he's part Maine Coon, and I've heard they aren't averse to water.
posted by Jimmy Havok at 1:20 AM on March 21, 2010

I dispute that you can wash kittens to acclimatise them. I attempted washing a kitten once. I also tried the big-gloves-closed-shower-stall tactic. I wound up with a small razor sharp ball of rage taking the only way out she could see, straight down the neck of my top to shred my entire general chestial region.

If I'd tried putting her in that box she'd have somehow worked out how to launch a tactical nuclear strike against my bedroom as I slept.
posted by Jilder at 1:40 AM on March 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

I would never put my cat in one of those machines. Bathing a cat requires a man's touch.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:54 AM on March 21, 2010 [10 favorites]

The cat spa link was posted previously... Some of the comments in that post are wonderful... See also loquacious's deleted answer to 'should I regularly bathe my cat?
posted by nielm at 1:59 AM on March 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

JohnnyGunn: "This video confirms that statement."

Seriously pissed-off look on its face while being dried. Later, that cat will climb on its sleeping owner's face and smother her to death.

Also, house cats are weak; they should be more like true hunter cats: tigers. If you think you can escape a charging tiger by jumping into a lake or river, forget it; they are great swimmers and will catch you.
posted by bwg at 3:03 AM on March 21, 2010

posted by HuronBob at 3:36 AM on March 21, 2010

I remember the first time this was posted. The thread devolved into whether or not this constituted torture to the unwilling animals
posted by P.o.B. at 3:54 AM on March 21, 2010

I kept waiting for Vince Vaughn to rush in and shoot out the glass.
posted by steef at 5:01 AM on March 21, 2010

Cats dont need washed.

And keeping them inside is cruel.
posted by the cuban at 5:31 AM on March 21, 2010

Oh god, one of the most terrifying moments of my life was when I was taking a bath and hadn't latched the door all the way. Calvin, who is my very energetic cat who has all his claws, was playing outside in the hallway. He bumped into the bathroom door, which opened, and he ran in, jumped on the edge of the bathtub, and slid into the tub with my naked self. I got out as quickly as I could, but not before the water turned pink with blood. Luckily it was only my legs that were scratched. After that, I still had to fish the poor guy out, as he was panicking and trying to climb out with his claws.

So yeah, there is no way in hell I will ever try to give that little guy a bath. He keeps himself very clean.
posted by TrialByMedia at 6:07 AM on March 21, 2010

Like someone upthread mentioned, large dog breeds need not apply. If you managed to drag my dog into that box, she would apply her infamous lean and break the glass and escape a la Bruce Willis Die Hard style.
posted by msali at 7:38 AM on March 21, 2010

What? No spin cycle?
posted by schwa at 7:39 AM on March 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Some cats like water apparently, and some owners put in significant amounts of effort to make them at home in the water.
posted by knapah at 7:40 AM on March 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

how do they avoid the problem of soap in the animal's eyes? or are they using some kind of "no tears shampoo" kind of thing?

bathing dogs isn't difficult. i've been lucky with cats -- my cats are not happy about being bathed (the few times i've needed to), but as long as i keep them scruffed while i do, they put up with it.
posted by rmd1023 at 7:53 AM on March 21, 2010

We had to wash my cat (who is notoriously kind of a dick) recently. Yes, HAD to. She's got this dandruff issue, and it was getting pretty severe. She's a calico and you could see dandruff on her black spots from across the room. We tried the "waterless shampoo" first. Didn't do shit. So, we gave her a bath.

And as we were drying her off, she crawled under our dining room table and immediately crapped on the rug.

Well played, cat. Well played.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:58 AM on March 21, 2010 [4 favorites]

how do they avoid the problem of soap in the animal's eyes? or are they using some kind of "no tears shampoo" kind of thing?

I don't put the shampoo on the kitty's head and yes, we use pet shampoo which is "no tears."

Also: the cat shampoo directions start with the phrase "Wet your friend." WE AIN'T GONNA BE FRIENDS FOR LONG IF WE'RE USING "WET" AS A VERB OVER HERE.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:00 AM on March 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

The dog goes through the stages of grief. The cat on the other hand is like a prisoner who constantly tries to escape. The second the cat resigns itself to its fate, the owner should give it up for adoption, because now the cat is thinking about how to get back at the owner.
posted by Taco John at 8:03 AM on March 21, 2010

I just throw my dog in the dishwasher, it's basically the same thing really.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:11 AM on March 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

Cat bathing trick: they like really hot water. Their body temp is a lot higher than ours. What's comfortably warm to us is damn chilly to them.

This illustrates the difference between cats and dogs: the dog "oh my god, I'm trapped, help, help, oh wait, I'm being drowned that's cool." The cat is the opposite.
posted by gjc at 8:22 AM on March 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

Poor puppy. That machine just looks mean.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:34 AM on March 21, 2010

At first look I was like, oh this is evil dog torture you fiendish woman and then I thought, how long is it since the three dogs - with an average dog weight of about 60 pounds - of the Laundry household have been washed? Um. Uh oh. I could give that answer in months - or, gulp, years. Why don't they get washed, particularly in the winter? Because when you take them into the bathroom to put them into the tub they use their big dog super ability to turn up the gravity: they're glued to the floor as if we're all on Jupiter or in the process of taking off from the planet. Suddenly they weigh 400 pounds and cannot be lifted. And then, there are three of them. That takes three people per dog, what with the lifting and the restraining from the leaping and the making reassuring noises and that's just the easy part: the first two. Then there's Theo, who is mostly made of fur except for a molten core of pure evil that turns on when he feels his paws may be threatened (early traumatic nail trimming injury) which is to say anywhere near a bathtub. Oddly enough, it's really difficult to find three people willing to participate in this activity, particularly since I have to find new ones each time. And so my dogs bathe themselves by regular swims in the muddy French Broad River and smell accordingly.

All of that was just to say I would like one of these machines and we could probably all survive the five minutes of doggy misery, except that if it's impossible to lift them into a bathtub I am telling you that it is going to be super impossible to lift them into that glass box.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:52 AM on March 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Cat bathing trick: they like really hot water.

+1. Really warm water, good grip on scruff of neck, clip claws before you start, wrap them up tight in a towel afterwords. Not as traumatic as one would think.

The machine on the other hand...

Oh well; at least she didn't spend an extra quarter for the hot wax...
posted by nonliteral at 8:55 AM on March 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

From the link

You're not... deathly bored, are you? Have you tried rapelling off the roof? Flying a kite? Flying on a kite? Did you put a pickle in your navel? Russian Roulette lost it's thrill? Have you tried breaking any limbs? Y'know, just out of curiosity? No?

Right, then. Don't bathe the cat."

I enjoy loquacious' flourishes quite a bit.
posted by The Whelk at 9:01 AM on March 21, 2010

Dang, I was half hoping that someone had animated this cartoon.

A tip from Brutal Experience: Dogs are hardly ever completely dry after a wash, and they feel it, and they reealy want to do something about it. So don't let them run around in the back yard right away, esp. if the back yard is also their lavatory. They will roll around until they get the itchies out and their scent back, followed by a good shake; this can create what Dave Barry so expressively calls "a veritable poop-tornado."
posted by Hardcore Poser at 9:05 AM on March 21, 2010

The Three Stooges did this before in Mutts to You, 1938.
posted by ovvl at 9:24 AM on March 21, 2010

Nobody liked this much when the cat spa was posted before.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 11:37 AM on March 21, 2010

You posted this after hearing John Oliver talk about it on The Bugle, right? (And you should listen to the segment, anyway.)
posted by holgate at 12:12 AM on March 22, 2010

Am I a bad person because I laughed really hard at that cat video?

I'd put my German Shepherd in one of those things. She'd probably like it. She's weird like that.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:50 AM on March 22, 2010

"Thunder Perfect Cat" is the coolest cat name I have seen, in a lifetime of noting cool cat names.
posted by everichon at 12:44 PM on March 22, 2010

Our Large Boxer very much enjoys being blown on at close range by the leaf blower. He's such a dork.
posted by everichon at 12:45 PM on March 22, 2010

How to Bathe a Cat (for real. My answer to that AskMe)
posted by Goofyy at 1:56 AM on March 23, 2010

Oh man, Caliban Party Ghost is also an excellent name.
posted by everichon at 8:01 AM on March 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

if the back yard is also their lavatory.

You leave your dog's poop lying around in the yard? Glad I'm not your neighbor...or your child.
posted by Jimmy Havok at 10:01 AM on March 23, 2010

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