Take my password, please!

August 25, 2011 3:19 PM

Nerds Triumphant? The one-liner judged as the Funniest Joke of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival is about computer passwords (also SPOILER a classic Disney cartoon). Runners-up and the joke judged WORST also listed. Warning: jokes contain drugs, sex, food (including broccoli and McDonald's), voicemail, crime, time, The Cure and a British chain store you Americans may never have heard of.

Votes counted by the British TV channel named Dave. No word whether Tommy Chong was allowed to say "Dave's not here, man."

posted by oneswellfoop (146 comments total)

It's not lethal, however.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 3:24 PM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

I wonder how many people appreciate the full extent of that joke. In fact, I wonder if the comic does.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 3:26 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

"People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

That was the best of the top ten, for me.
posted by oddman at 3:29 PM on August 25, 2011 [15 favorites]

Yes, that was good. I also liked the very Emo Phillips: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:30 PM on August 25, 2011

I asked a New Zealander the other day how many sexual partners they've had.

They started counting, but fell asleep.

(not my joke, do not +)
posted by panaceanot at 3:30 PM on August 25, 2011 [63 favorites]

So much stand-up is observational these days that it's nice to hear a great, well-crafted JOKE now and again. That's what I've always loved about Steven Wright, and Emo Phillips, and ( though his jokes were very off-kilter) Mitch Hedberg. These are terrific.
posted by xingcat at 3:35 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

I wonder how many people appreciate the full extent of that joke. In fact, I wonder if the comic does.

I'm not sure I do.

I'm sure the appeal of some of these is in the delivery, because I only really chuckled at #5 and #10. YMMV, humour is subjective, etc.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 3:39 PM on August 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

He's a professional comic?
posted by Thorzdad at 3:43 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

So much stand-up is observational these days that it's nice to hear a great, well-crafted JOKE now and again.

Don't worry, xingcat. Their idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive observation humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing.
posted by phunniemee at 3:44 PM on August 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

its interesting to see that even genius comics like time vine are inadvertently repeating jokes now. Compare: Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." with last years edinburgh star Bo Burnham's song Oh Bo. I am sure its not deliberate (esp considering the number of gags Tim Vine must use in a year is astonishing) but its interesting to see from an outside view. I often wonder actually if one-liner comics like Tim and Milton Jones ever worry about running out of material, they are so prolific and so clever but there are only so many jokes of that kind you can make.
posted by Another Fine Product From The Nonsense Factory at 3:45 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

No. 9 just fell flat. No. 7 was a bit weak. But the rest of them made me smile. Good start to the day! Thanks for posting.

Now to wait for mefites to best these..
posted by vidur at 3:46 PM on August 25, 2011

I wonder how many people appreciate the full extent of that joke. In fact, I wonder if the comic does.

I thought I did until you said that. Care to enlighten us?
posted by doublehappy at 3:46 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm sure the appeal of some of these is in the delivery, because I only really chuckled at #5 and #10. YMMV, humour is subjective, etc.

those were my favourites too.

I wanted to tell a joke about the jonestown massacre but the punchline was too long.
posted by rog at 3:49 PM on August 25, 2011 [44 favorites]

>>I wonder how many people appreciate the full extent of that joke. In fact, I wonder if the comic does.

>I'm not sure I do.

Any eight character password is very weak, while "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" (32 characters) is a much stronger.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 3:50 PM on August 25, 2011

... password.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 3:51 PM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

...and so I said, "Compiler? I hardly know her!"
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:52 PM on August 25, 2011 [18 favorites]

... password.

Dude, you need to work on your timing. That last word... the pause... it just doesn't work.
posted by hippybear at 3:52 PM on August 25, 2011 [21 favorites]

"Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

Before I even read the link my brain delivered that one in Mark Watson's voice.

Well done, brain.
posted by elsietheeel at 3:52 PM on August 25, 2011

I swear I read the top joke just recently here, in the thread on that xkcd password comic. Although there, it was eight characters and at least one number.
posted by sherman at 3:53 PM on August 25, 2011

Funny, my friend also died doing what he loved ... a dolphin.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:54 PM on August 25, 2011 [16 favorites]

I wonder how many people appreciate the full extent of that joke. In fact, I wonder if the comic does.

Most of it fell kind of short for me.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:56 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Any eight character password is very weak, while "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" (32 characters) is a much stronger.

This is true, but does it make the joke funnier?
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 3:57 PM on August 25, 2011 [8 favorites]

Number three seems very much to be a Hedberg ripoff ("I hear music").
posted by kenko at 3:57 PM on August 25, 2011

IT makes the joke more secure.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:58 PM on August 25, 2011 [11 favorites]

This is true, but does it make the joke funnier?

I think so. More rewarding, anyway.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:02 PM on August 25, 2011

SnowWhiteDocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopey is 47 characters.

...and it's Dwarfs.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:04 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm sure the appeal of some of these is in the delivery, because I only really chuckled at #5 and #10.

From what I gather, Nick Helm, the comedian at #1, has a handful of knowing "joke" jokes like that, and the punchlines are underscored with manic dancing and inappropriate glam rock stings. So it probably does lose something in this form. (that joke in particular was also written by his dad, apparently)
posted by rollick at 4:07 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Now to wait for mefites to best these.."

Easy, all it takes is a good fart joke. I mean, everyone likes fart jokes. Even hipsters like fart jokes, although they like them ironically. And they prefer farts you never heard, without that mainstream sound.
posted by Pinback at 4:09 PM on August 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

It's an ill wind that blows no good. Idiom? I barley knew 'em.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:12 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

And they prefer farts you never heard, without that mainstream sound.

Yeah, they're called the Silent But Deadly. Most people have never heard of 'em, but, like, they can't stand them anyway.
posted by kenko at 4:13 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Think I'll pass on that one.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:14 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

So much stand-up is observational these days that it's nice to hear a great, well-crafted JOKE now and again.

Demetri Martin's better stuff is both observational and free-standing.
posted by kersplunk at 4:16 PM on August 25, 2011

What do you call a German fart air purifier?

A waftloofah.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:19 PM on August 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

Whats a B&Q? Is that shorthand for barbecue across the pond?
posted by Renoroc at 4:21 PM on August 25, 2011

That's the line to get more beans.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:22 PM on August 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

They say this earthquake we just had on the East Coast did very little damage. Not for me - my etch-a-sketch gallery is RUINED!
posted by Riptor at 4:53 PM on August 25, 2011 [8 favorites]

Has Richard Wiseman's work been linked on the blue before?
posted by vidur at 4:57 PM on August 25, 2011

B & Q is a home improvement / hardware store. Henley is a quaint town in South Qxfordshire where they have the regatta (it might have been in the film about Facebook).
posted by GeckoDundee at 5:00 PM on August 25, 2011

so it has nothing to do with wearing a henley at a BBQ. good to know.

I knew a stand-up comic who got a gig at the Monterrey Bay Aquarium. He was such a hit they held him under an extra week.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:05 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

5!

(Did I tell it right?)
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 5:09 PM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

Knock knock.

Who is it?

Recursive knock knock joke.

Recursive knock knock joke who?

Because he was dead.
posted by swift at 5:10 PM on August 25, 2011 [6 favorites]

Do you know why you should never date a tennis player?
Love means nothing to them.

(Adapted from Bob Dylan stage banter)
posted by brevator at 5:11 PM on August 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

I came into this with low expectations and I had to keep myself from laughing too loud and waking everyone up. Thanks for the link!
posted by ersatz at 5:25 PM on August 25, 2011

I brought home a cat from the kennel, but when I got home my wife said she wanted a dog.
So I dipped it in gasoline and put a match to it.
WOOF.
posted by plinth at 5:25 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

The password joke is pretty old. Not sure why this guy should win an award for it. It isn't original and really isn't any funnier than the so-called worst joke.

The other winning jokes at least have the benefit of not being passed around amongst websites and e-mails for years. They certainly show more creativity
posted by 2manyusernames at 5:26 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh man, I just heard the best Knock-Knock joke ever, are you ready?

Sure.

OK, you start.

Alright. Knock knock.

Who's there?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:37 PM on August 25, 2011 [6 favorites]

rog: "I wanted to tell a joke about the jonestown massacre but the punchline was too long."

Goddamn it, that's my joke! ;)

They read the winning joke on Morning Edition this morning. Nothing -- absolutely nothing -- destroys a joke like letting an NPR announcer read it. When I heard that joke I thought it had been chosen ironically, but I just laughed while reading it.
posted by brundlefly at 5:40 PM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

They say comedy is just tragedy plus time. So I shot them.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:41 PM on August 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

Donating some of my own twitter jokes to the thread:

- As an Australian the Tour de France can be difficult to watch due to the Time de France.

- What's the most dejected form of transport? Moped.

- Teachers: turn a boring trip to the Maritime Museum into an unforgettable childhood memory by slapping your students in the back of the head.

- My school was so poor, in maths class we had to watch Three Men and a Baby during a lesson on Pi.
posted by smithsmith at 5:41 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

"People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

That was the best of the top ten, for me.

Mark my words: Hannibal Buress is going to be a big, big deal one of these days. Go watch him on Letterman and you'll see what I mean.
posted by Apropos of Something at 5:41 PM on August 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

You wouldn't know 'cause you weren't there!
posted by brundlefly at 5:43 PM on August 25, 2011 [8 favorites]

How many Baby Boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them. One to screw it in, and the rest to write the definitive account of the experience.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:44 PM on August 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

Surprised to see that Hannibal Burress one up there. Whenever an athlete has a minor injury, Sportscenter will describe them as being "day to day", and then say "but aren't we all?", which seems like a much more clever way to say what Burress said, and in a non humorous context.

Hannibal Burress is a great comedian but surely he has material that isn't lifted from the likes of Dan Patrick and Charlie Steiner.
posted by outlaw of averages at 5:53 PM on August 25, 2011

Recursive knock knock joke who?

A: Knock knock.
B: Who's there?
A: Recursive knock knock joke.
B: Recursive who's there? joke.
A: Recursive recursive knock knock joke joke.
B: Recursive recursive who's there? joke joke.
.
.
.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:58 PM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

Hannibal Burress is a great comedian but surely he has material that isn't lifted from the likes of Dan Patrick and Charlie Steiner.

Not sure if you're serious about this, but as a comedic premise, it's not hard to figure out how both sources might have come at this independently. One of the things you lose in the list is Burress' style, which is really key to what he does, I think. That Letterman routine I linked earlier - or any of his YouTube stuff - should show he's got a lot in his back pocket but that, unique for one-liner comedians, his jokes are actually better in the context he's built around them.
posted by Apropos of Something at 6:00 PM on August 25, 2011

A: Knock knock.
B: Who's there?
A: monotype corsiva
B: monotype corsiva who?
B: monotype corsiva monotype corsiva
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:02 PM on August 25, 2011

I believe it was "SnowWhiteDocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeyPhoenix". 8 Characters, one capital.

And he didn't make it up. It's been floating around for years.
posted by mrgoat at 6:09 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

chmod +rwx yourmom
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:13 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Speaking of jokes, how many people here ever pulled off the classic "no soap, radio" joke?
posted by 2manyusernames at 6:18 PM on August 25, 2011

I like that Hannibal Burress. here he is a the knitting factory berating a hipster.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:21 PM on August 25, 2011 [6 favorites]

chmod +rwx yourmom

Your mom is optimized for multiple concurrent INSERTs.

If your mom were a data structure, she'd be a deque, 'cause she allows insertion at both ends.

I also hear that she's fully reentrant.

She's highly available, yet goes down gracefully.
posted by kenko at 6:25 PM on August 25, 2011 [21 favorites]

I like that Hannibal Burress. here he is a the knitting factory berating a hipster.

"You are the reason why people hate Williamsburg. You would have three handlebar mustaches if you could."

Oh god, this guy. I have to see more of this.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:29 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Three men and a baby....... lesson on pi!!!!. AHAHHHAHAHHAHAAAAAA God so much lol
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 6:51 PM on August 25, 2011

Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson walks into a bar with the Pope.

"What can I get you two?" the bartender asks.

The Pope replies, "Just water for me, thank you; but please bring my friend here a Higgs Boson Slider."

Dr. Tyson laughs. "Still trying to get me to swallow a bit of your God, are you?" he asks.

"I wouldn't dream of such a thing, Neil," the Pope protests. "I just knew it was the only way I was ever going to get you to mass."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:56 PM on August 25, 2011 [21 favorites]

It's important to note that Dave mangled the top joke. Nick Helm's original version was: "I needed a password with 8 characters - so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

That's a beautiful joke. Apparently the goon in charge of "Funniest Joke" has no sense of beauty, humour or smell. If he had a sense of smell he'd know his arse from his elbow. What an absolute twat.
posted by howfar at 6:59 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

For those who think the Jonestown joke is in bad taste (like me, for personal reasons) - and, therefore, not funny - read this piece by the inimitable S.F. columnist with the self-explanatory title: Nothing is Not Funny.
posted by kozad at 7:02 PM on August 25, 2011

Sorry. 13-hr workday. Jon Carroll is the columnist's name.
posted by kozad at 7:07 PM on August 25, 2011

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Smellmop."
...
posted by hypersloth at 7:07 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
Oh, you've seen my show...

Why didn't Abbott and Costello ever open for Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend?
Because The Who's on first.

The Three Stooges' manager always insisted that either Larry or Curly pay him because he knew: "Mo money, mo problems".

There's also a convoluted pun about Facebook Likes, MetaFilter and Will Rogers, but even I can't work it out...
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:16 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

They say comedy is just tragedy plus time. So I shot them.

Man, that joke just kills.
posted by smcameron at 7:17 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

swift: "Knock knock.

Who is it?

Recursive knock knock joke.

Recursive knock knock joke who?

Because he was dead"

I don't even get this joke at all but it's the funniest thing I've heard in ages.
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:33 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

This entire thread is way, way better than any of the actual winners.
posted by odinsdream at 7:38 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Byte walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"
"Parity error," says the Byte.
"Yeah," says the Bartender, "I thought you looked a bit off."
posted by The Bellman at 7:53 PM on August 25, 2011 [10 favorites]

Mark my words: Hannibal Buress is going to be a big, big deal one of these days.

So I just watched the Letterman clip and it was hilarious. The guy is great. Is it me, or does he have kind of a Mitch Hedberg vibe (and even cadence), especially around the pickle juice?
posted by The Bellman at 8:03 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

'Any eight character password is very weak, while "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" (32 characters) is a much stronger.'

'This is true, but does it make the joke funnier?'

Yes. You see a thirty two character password is more robust. And as we all know, robustness means having endurance and the capacity to perform without failure in a wide variety of conditions. And some of the toughest conditions on Earth are in Antarctica.

Now, as we know, 32 character combination - 52 ^ 32= 8.1678 e+54 - would require something like God's algorithm to decrypt.
You know who believes in God? Nuns. Which means that nuns in Antarctica would be representative of some of the elements in the equation we're dealing with here.
But only some. Because as we know, a truly strong Princess/Dwarf based password shouldn't contain proper names.
And what is short for proper? Props. And the entire word "Propers" is used in the song "Respect" written by Otis Redding and most famously recorded by Aretha Franklin in 1967. And as we know, both Redding and Franklin are black.

Which means symbolically this password is a black nun in Antarctica. And symbols are interesting because our symbols can be upper or lower case but in this case where there are not proper names (such as "Snow White") the symbols are reflective of Dwarf names. And what do we call characters shorter than Dwarfs? Little people.

So we have a little black nun in Antarctica, as the symbol of the robust strength of this 32 character password.

And this makes the joke funnier because in reality, there are no black nuns who are little people who live in Antarctica and in fact the whole idea of a nun down there at all, even if she were there, being not only black, and in addition, little and in fact wearing a nun's habit in that bitter cold weather is and aggregate of conditions so completely unlikely that it's preposterous.

Which means Dopey fucked a penguin. And that's comedy.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:06 PM on August 25, 2011 [11 favorites]

They say comedy is just tragedy plus time.

(MeFi's own) Avery Edison on the adage.
posted by Apropos of Something at 8:10 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Nothing -- absolutely nothing -- destroys a joke like letting an NPR announcer read it.

I dunno, I think I'd pledge $20 just to hear Steve Innskeep or Michele Norris read a sufficiently filthy version of "The Aristocrats!" in their on-air voice.
posted by RogerB at 8:13 PM on August 25, 2011 [7 favorites]

The Aristocrats, told by Gene Simmons, with Terry Gross saying "that's an incredible act. Sometimes, I snack before I go on air. Do you have a favorite pre-show food?"
posted by zippy at 8:20 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. He was also a spiritual person, and even when he was not on a hunger strike he did not eat much and thus he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. This explains why he became known as a "super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis."


now that qualifies as a bad joke
posted by 2manyusernames at 8:23 PM on August 25, 2011 [6 favorites]

Two obese Pattys, "special" Ross, Leonard Meece picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.
posted by hippybear at 8:24 PM on August 25, 2011

The squaw and the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws and the other two hides!
posted by hippybear at 8:25 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Don't you know? Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
posted by hippybear at 8:25 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'll just show myself out.
posted by hippybear at 8:26 PM on August 25, 2011

None of those jokes are even remotely funny. WTF?
posted by spitbull at 8:32 PM on August 25, 2011

They say comedy is just tragedy plus time.

*Smashes fingers with hammer* OOOWWW!

...ok I'll be back in an hour, it'll be hilarious.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:35 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is it me, or does he have kind of a Mitch Hedberg vibe (and even cadence), especially around the pickle juice?

His joke in the article is even a kind of Mitch Hedberg joke.
posted by kenko at 8:43 PM on August 25, 2011

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson get back to Baker Street to discover the front door painted bright yellow. 'By Jove, Holmes', exclaimed Watson, 'Whatever is this meaning of this?!' and Holmes replied 'It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson'.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:22 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Don't stop! I love it when you make me grooooooannnnn.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 10:20 PM on August 25, 2011

Show me a piano falling down a mine, and I'll show you a flat minor.

Did you know that the world origami championships are on satellite TV this year? It’s going to be a paper-view event.

I know a young man who died as a result of drinking varnish... It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a man with a hawk on one shoulder and a kestrel on the other, who's vacuuming at night, with the lights out? Hawk-kestrel man hoovers in the dark.
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:41 PM on August 25, 2011 [10 favorites]

MORE OLD JOKES THAT I HAVEN'T HEARD SINCE I WAS IN THIRD GRADE, PLEASE
posted by 23skidoo at 11:10 PM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

10 funniest from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival (don't stop after the first one, it does get better)
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:22 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

I was emailed that oldie maybe a year ago as a dumb blonde joke.
posted by Cranberry at 11:40 PM on August 25, 2011

Me and a mate were walking down the street when he was hit on the head by a falling tray of Omega 3 pill bottles. I panicked at first, but the injuries turned out to be super fish oil.
posted by Abiezer at 11:43 PM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

2manyusernames: "now that qualifies as a bad joke"

I counter with:

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show, that Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais, with mild green hairy lip squid."

Thanks to my GCSE Geography teacher for my awareness of that one.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 12:26 AM on August 26, 2011 [8 favorites]

That crossed a line, you know.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 12:31 AM on August 26, 2011

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.
posted by Happy Dave at 12:49 AM on August 26, 2011 [7 favorites]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson get back to Baker Street to discover the front door painted bright yellow. 'By Jove, Holmes', exclaimed Watson, 'Whatever is this meaning of this?!' and Holmes replied 'It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson'.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson get shrunk to minuscule size and swallowed. As they are cascading down the oesophagus with the rest of the meal, a dazed Watson asks 'Holmes? Where are we? Did we fall into the canal?"
Holmes nods. "Indeed. Alimentary, my dear Watson."

Sherlock Holmes has a psychotic break and thinks he is a famous actress. A concerned Watson shakes him by the shoulders. "You're Sherlock Holmes! You're Holmes, the famous detective!"
Holmes shakes his head sadly. "I am Ellen Terry, my dear Watson."

Holmes and Watson meet an Ent. Holmes doffs his hat. "Hail! A Man-Tree, my dear Watson!"

Holmes and Watson are arrested while on a trip to America. While they're held in the cells, a panicked Watson turns to Holmes. "Holmes, you must get us out of this fix. If you can't prove we're innocent, we'll end up in one of those terrible - dammit, Holmes, what is it they call a gaol here?"

While Holmes and Watson while away the hours in Baker Street, Watson begins to reel off a series of really terrible puns. "Watson," says Holmes, "I really wish you wouldn't."
"Holmes, don't be such a wet blanket," says Watson. "I am only trying to impart some merriment to an otherwise dour evening."
"Nonetheless," says Holmes, "I think I would prefer it if my evening remained merriment-free, my dear Watson."
posted by Acheman at 12:56 AM on August 26, 2011

Play it? When I get its pajamas off, I'm going to fuck it.
posted by seanyboy at 1:02 AM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Acheman, you missed an ending:
"dammit, Holmes, what is it they call a gaol here?"
"Penitentiary, my dear Watson."

I was familiar with most of these, I just posted the one I thought was least awful...
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:06 AM on August 26, 2011

"This isn't about hunting, is it?"
posted by From Bklyn at 1:14 AM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

onefellswoop, I think you missed the point. Some things are more beautiful if they are left unsaid.
posted by Acheman at 1:17 AM on August 26, 2011

...which was why I only posted ONE of the Holmes/Watson gags...
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:25 AM on August 26, 2011

merriment-free it is!
posted by Acheman at 1:26 AM on August 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
posted by numberstation at 1:30 AM on August 26, 2011 [7 favorites]

The searchin' general has determined that smoke in ziggurats can be hazardous to your stealth.
posted by Spatch at 1:41 AM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

The other winning jokes at least have the benefit of not being passed around amongst websites and e-mails for years. They certainly show more creativity

Cite please. I just had a look and I can't find any evidence of this joke on the web, at least. The other thing you need to bear in mind is the growing tendency for gag comics to find themselves accused of having plagiarised their own material by people who've read it online. Most of the material in forwarded emails is ripped off one gag writer or another. You may be right in this case, of course, but I'd still be interested to see the proof.

Good article on this topic by David Schneider.
posted by howfar at 4:34 AM on August 26, 2011

Cite please. I just had a look and I can't find any evidence of this joke on the web, at least. The other thing you need to bear in mind is the growing tendency for gag comics to find themselves accused of having plagiarised their own material by people who've read it online. Most of the material in forwarded emails is ripped off one gag writer or another. You may be right in this case, of course, but I'd still be interested to see the proof.

No problem. To be technical, this exact joke isn't old but one similar to it is very old. The old joke is usually told as a blonde joke. You can find lots of examples here.

Once you read it, you'll no doubt recall it. The password had to be 8 characters long and include a capital. The blonde used
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" with 'sacramento' changed to various other capitals.
posted by 2manyusernames at 4:59 AM on August 26, 2011

Aragorn goes into a pub, and sees the Witch-King of Angmar having a quiet drink alone. So he strolls up to to the bar, leans on it casually, turns to the Wraith and says, "What's a Nazgul like you doing in a place like this?"
posted by ZsigE at 5:27 AM on August 26, 2011 [11 favorites]

I saw an ad this morning for pizza and a share-sized Diet Coke. Wow, I thought - who really needs a bottle of pop that's 5ft 8?
posted by mippy at 5:28 AM on August 26, 2011

Greece are stopping exports on houmous and taramasalata. It's because they're in a double-dip recession.
posted by mippy at 5:31 AM on August 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

I'd like to share an unlikely gem, paraphrased from a quarter-century-old issue of "Highlights for Children": Guy walks into a doctor's office, says, "Doc, ya gotta help me. I bit myself on the forehead!" Doctor says, "You bit yourself on the forehead? How is that even possible?" Guy says, "Well, I was standing on a chair..."

In a vein that's similar, yet completely different, I enjoyed this one from UbuRoivas' Melbourne Comedy Festival link: I read that Lleyton and Bec Hewitt are our new royal family. They’re really our new Warwick and Joanne Capper. For those of us in the Upper Hemi, it has a pleasing, symmetrical incomprehensibility.

Finally, I've often wondered why the only perfect three-part pun in the English language isn't more widely known: Two brothers were starting a cattle ranch, and couldn't decide what to call it, so they decided to ask their mother. Mom declared that they should call it Focus, because it's where the sons raise meat.

It's not funny, but it is perfect.
posted by longtime_lurker at 5:46 AM on August 26, 2011 [6 favorites]

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"Chicken butt."
posted by fungible at 5:53 AM on August 26, 2011

Cheers 2manyusernames

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

The fact that Nick Helm's (non-mangled by Dave) version is just a well crafted variant on this joke may actually explain why Dave mangled it.

Helm's actual joke, "I needed a password with 8 characters - so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" is, I'd argue, a considerably better gag than the original. It is concise and depends on a small leap of understanding to make its point, rather than simple repetition. It's not original, but certainly worthwhile.
posted by howfar at 6:01 AM on August 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

The funniest joke I have ever heard was one of the Top Tips in an issue of Viz:

"Save money on expensive phone sex lines by phoning the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk dirty."
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:21 AM on August 26, 2011

I was watching the Edinburgh round up show thingy on TV last night, and IMO Mark Watson's gag before he got to the one listed, was better. It went something like:

"Someone asked me recently what I'd say if they told me I had to give up either food or sex. I'd say: 'fuck off, no I don't'."
posted by Summer at 6:35 AM on August 26, 2011

Okay.

So there's this guy who's decided to adopt a personal quest to find The Best Cup Of Tea In The World. He figures the first place to look is England, because they know tea, yeah? So he has a month for vacation, so he goes on this big grand tour of England, having high tea at the Ritz and stopping in at these little cottages in the Cotswalds, even ducking up to Scotland and over to Wales now and then. And it's somewhere in Wales that he has this splendiforous cup of tea -- he lingers over it for a good half hour, congratulating himself; he found the tea! This was easy! ...Except he starts to get the nagging feeling that no, there's another, better cup out there in the world somewhere. Oh, well, at least he's got a good benchmark.

A year later he decides to continue his search, in India. (Hey, he figures, they grow tea there, that must be the place.) And again, he goes on a grand tour, having tea in the hotels and in the little country chai-wallas, and not really finding anything until the day he leaves when he hurriedly gets a cup of tea to go while he's racing for his plane home -- and as he sips it on the plane he realizes wait, this was The Tea. And he's kicking himself a while for not really noticing anything about the place because now he doesn't know who the guy selling it was -- but then as he sips he realizes again that no, there's something more out there. It's a new high-water mark, sure, but the Platonian Ideal of Tea he's looking for is still out there.

By this time, his friends are sending him tips now and then -- telling him about tea in this Chinese restaurant in New York, suggesting a field trip to a tea field in North carolina, one yutz who keeps saying "Lipton" as a joke. But he notices that his friends are more and more teling him that they've heard about the tea in this little Australian town called "Mercy" -- it was one of three towns in the outback all formed at the same time, "Faith", "Hope", and "Mercy" or something like that; and the inn in Mercy is supposed to have amazing tea. He doesn't think anything of that -- a trip to Australia is a little beyond him -- but then suddenly his boss sends him to Sidney on business. And he checks the map, and Mercy is about a half-day's drive from Sydney. So he books an extra day in Sydney, so he can get a chance to check this out.

So off he goes. Mercy is ridiculously small - a couple houses, a general store, and an inn/restaurant thing. He goes to the inn and the only other person there is a woman working the place. He orders "a cup of your best tea." "We only have one kind of tea," she says, "but I assure you it's the best." She brings him a cup and sits him down by the window.

And with one sip -- he knows. This is it. This is the tea. He orders a second cup so he can have it without milk as well, and spends a good hour, lingering over both cups, savoring them. Yep, he thinks, this really and truly is the very best cup of tea in the world. And man, it was worth the trip. The whole time he's sipping it, the woman is continuing to putter around, occasionally looking over and smiling indulgently.

Then just as the man is draining one of the two cups -- he notices that there's hair at the bottom. He reacts to this, of course, and the woman sees and comes over to ask him if everything's okay. "Well, the tea was wonderful," he says, "but...look, I don't mean to be critical, but whoever's washing your dishes could step up their game a bit." And he shows her the hair.

She gets a funny look on her face. "I'm sorry, you didn't know...um, that's supposed to be there," she says. "That's....koala hair." The man is baffled at this, and the woman explains that that's how they make their tea -- they had a pet koala, and one day some of his brushed-out hair got into the tea and it just gave it a certain something, so they made their tea with some of their koala's hair. They checked with the board of health and everything, they wash their koala every day and give him a good brush-down afterward, it's all okay. "And it's what makes our tea what it is," she explains, "And you have to admit you enjoyed it, I saw you."

The man is still shocked, but has to admit that well, yeah, he liked it. "Okay, but," he protests, "it is a little shocking for people who don't know that -- isn't there any way you could strain the hair out before serving it or something?"

And the woman indignantly folds her arms and says, "Sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"



I'm sorry.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:00 AM on August 26, 2011 [17 favorites]

rog: "I wanted to tell a joke about the jonestown massacre but the punchline was too long."

Goddamn it, that's my joke! ;)

haha. I knew I'd heard it here and I fully expected to get called on it.

works better as a one-liner imo ;)
posted by rog at 7:05 AM on August 26, 2011

This is the only joke I've ever written, and possibly the only one I ever will write:

His personal ad said "straight acting," and boy was he ever! On our first date, he beat me up and fucked my sister!"
posted by xingcat at 7:47 AM on August 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

What about woody allen's joke that ended annie hall? About the brother who thinks he's a chicken. Now that's a joke.
posted by bquarters at 9:20 AM on August 26, 2011

Mine:

I can't understand why masochists complain about anything.
posted by eoden at 10:30 AM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Speaking of jokes, how many people here ever pulled off the classic "no soap, radio" joke?
posted by 2manyusernames

I just heard about this from my Canadian friend a couple of weeks ago. My husband and I are going to try it out on my brother this weekend.
posted by Nathanial Hörnblowér at 10:58 AM on August 26, 2011

From Deadwood's Timothy Olyphant/Ian McShane commentary on the first episode of the second season:

Cletus and Pete were sitting on the porch, watching their dog lick his balls.

Cletus: I sure wish I could do that.

Pete: That dog will biiiite yoooouuuuu.
posted by Nathanial Hörnblowér at 10:59 AM on August 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

My tweets as of late:

Turns out these "Sandwich Artists" don't accept MetroCards. I GUESS THE NAME OF THE BUSINESS IS A LIE.

Oh, you think you're elite? Well, then, I'm a liter.

Looks the University of Miami just messed up. They really felon their faces.

Found an old book in my collection that encourages you to "MASTER GROUPWISE", which made me wonder if Master Groupwise was also a Gamgee.

If the children are indeed our future, then we are bound to be subjected to countless Pokémon-themed government policies in forty years.

I had a Reuben at the deli from _When Harry Met Sally_, and although it was okay, it still felt like they weren't really trying.

Camptown racetrack five miles long. Which is un-fucking-reasonable. Horse race tracks should never be five miles long.

Everyone knows Thank God It's Friday but only us experts know "Holy Shit! Wednesday!" and "Fuck Me Sideways! It Can't Be Thursday, Can It?".

I was upset when I heard "Friday Night Lights" was being cancelled but I was crushed when I found out it isn't about nightlights at all.

I knew the catheter I got after my appendectomy was going to be painful, but using that crazy straw was just plain cruel.

If you guys really want coffee, I'm not giving it away. You're going to have to urn it yourself.

You'd think a man as wealthy as 50 Cent would finally find out how to pluralize a monetary unit by now.

I hear they named themselves "Violent Femmes" because of Gordon Gano's slapfight manslaughter conviction.

Seems my car's timing belt is a bit off. That explains why I'm always exactly 13 seconds late to every green light.

You're so dumb, you think a concentration camp is where they send ADHD kids to learn how to focus.

Pretty sure a dieresis is when you shit out a monkey.

They're called doctors, yet I never see them docting.
posted by eoden at 11:49 AM on August 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

And no link to your Twitter stream, eoden? How do you expect me to stalkfollow you? It's been hard enough on Twitter since I got swallowed by the Fail Whale. Nobody to follow there but a wooden puppet and a VERY old Jew.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:59 AM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

fixed it
posted by eoden at 12:11 PM on August 26, 2011

"I remain perplexed and bewildered why I am so deeply inspired by Andy Griffith's Aunt," said Tom, bemusedly.
posted by willF at 12:14 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

"I dropped my toothpaste again, I guess it's gonna be one of those days," sighed Tom, somewhat crestfallen. (—Tom Malone)
posted by willF at 12:15 PM on August 26, 2011

"But I picked up my soap, and so life is great!" said Tom, zestfully.
posted by willF at 12:16 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

We have done Tom Swifties twice before, and based on the previous interval, shouldn't do them again for another four years.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:24 PM on August 26, 2011

"I am annoyed," said Tom annoyedly.
posted by eoden at 12:37 PM on August 26, 2011

"I'm none too swift," said Tom.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:42 PM on August 26, 2011

"I seem to be bleeding from the Head." Said Tom *winds up again, this time with feeling*
posted by From Bklyn at 12:46 PM on August 26, 2011

Well, yo' mama's so fat, her patronus is a cake.
posted by pecanpies at 2:23 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

friend: Say, did you hear about that actress, got stabbed last weekend?
me: mmm??
friend: Yeah, in the street in front of her apartment... stabbed four times... umm... Reese... ummm...
me: Witherspoon?
friend: no, with a knife.
posted by aimedwander at 2:33 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Anyone else hear about the psychic dwarf who's on the lam?

Headlines read SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE.
posted by owtytrof at 2:52 PM on August 26, 2011

EmpressCallipygos: "I'm sorry."

Don't be! Now I have something with which to counter the Chicken Joke at Christmas!
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 4:05 PM on August 26, 2011

Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't so hot, but the reception was fantastic.
posted by booth at 5:04 PM on August 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

EmpressCallipygos: "I'm sorry."
Empress, I think I have a new favourite joke. That is perfect. You could go all sorts of places with a joke like that.

Nice one!
posted by Philby at 7:30 PM on August 26, 2011

:-) Thanks. That is actually my own very drawn-out embellishment on what's actually a somewhat shorter joke (same punch line, I just have come up with the epic buildup).

....I've also had people actually threaten to kill me after hearing it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:35 PM on August 26, 2011

It's a very good version EmpressCallipygos. There are certain elements I'll embellish in my ideal version. First, our protagonist will return for several summers to find his chai wallah, only to find that it's not quite right. I'd also include a breakdown on the drive from Sydney with a mock foreshadowing of the payoff. But obviously these things are generally provided ad lib. A great shaggy dog story, I told it tonight and laughed myself sick.
posted by howfar at 7:58 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Two men are lost in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are just about ready to lie down and wait for the inevitable, when one of them notices something: "Hey dude, do you smell what I smell? It's bacon, I'm sure of it." His companion agrees: "Sure smells like bacon to me." So, with renewed strength, they struggle over the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine. "Dude, we are saved! It's... a bacon tree!" But his friend is skeptical: "Are you sure it's not a mirage? Don't forget, we are in the desert!" "Dude, when did you ever hear of a mirage that smelled of bacon... it's no mirage, it's a bacon tree." And with that, he runs toward the tree, getting within 50 feet, when BANG! BANG! BANG! Shots ring out from all sides and he's riddled with bullet wounds. Mortally wounded, he turns and staggers towards his horrified friend, and with his dying breath yells out: "Dude... go back, you were right, it's not a bacon tree... it's a Ham Bush..."
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:11 PM on August 26, 2011 [5 favorites]

yeah, i have lots of lovely ideas bubbling in my head for when I inflict in on my work buddy out on the balcony over morning coffee and ciggy.. i can't wait!
posted by Philby at 8:12 PM on August 26, 2011

Philby, the trick is to break it at the right point and make him wait until lunch. If you need more shaggy dog stories, I can offer you 'The Monk and the Pickled Onion', 'The Stranded Sailor' and 'The Purpley Blue Joke'.
posted by howfar at 8:18 PM on August 26, 2011

Juan was sick and tired of the heat in his home in Mexico, so he moved to Nome, Alaska, where he set up a lumber retail business. But nobody came to his lumber yard, and after several discouraging weeks he went to drown his sorrows in a local pub. Sipping his tequilla alone he opened up to the man at the bar. "I came to Nome, to sell wood. Good wood from local forests. But I'm up to my eyeballs in debt because no one will come to my store." The bartender took pity and explained "no offense here Juan, but the locals don't trust you, they think you're selling cheap Mexican lumber. They assume that you'll put local woodcutters out of business " Enlightened, Juan rushed back to his shop and put up a big sign that said, "Juan's is the Nomeliest Lumber you'll ever see".
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:27 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

These were pretty good, short and sweet. It's why I follow comedians on Twitter more than any other group. Not all funny people do good Twitter, however. I recommend Patton Oswalt, Maggie Serota, Chelsea Peretti, Sarah Guzzardo, Rob Delaney, Michael McKean, Amanda Steinhoff, Paul F. Tompkins and Albert Brooks. Among others.

In lieu of trying to tell a joke here, I'll just add this:

"Comedians and jazz musicians have been more comforting and enlightening to me than preachers or politicians or philosophers or poets or painters or novelists of my time. Historians in the future, in my opinion, will congratulate us on very little other than our clowning and our jazz." - Kurt Vonnegut

He was speaking about the US in that last part, not Scotland. Even so...
posted by krinklyfig at 12:00 AM on August 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not to put down jokes (okay, yeah, I'd like to put them down just a little little entsy weensy tiny bit)::

How to Tell a [Humorous] Story
by Mark Twain
a.k.a. Samuel Clemens
(1835-1910)

posted by Skygazer at 2:58 PM on September 5, 2011