U Suck

February 14, 2015 5:59 AM

Fuck Valentine's Day, 'cause really?
posted by Brandon Blatcher (54 comments total)

From the "In defense...." link:

Most days of the year are unmarked and unremarkable. It is easy on such days to feel love and not to express it in a visible way or to feel loneliness and mistake it for an ache without an origin. This is because true love is experienced less in the form of sporadic bursts of expressive joy than in the form of a deep and largely undetected peace of mind and in the gut. It is a peace we didn’t know we even had until it is gone and a peace we didn’t know we wanted until we find ourselves in its tranquil waters.

I love how this describes my relationship perfectly.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:11 AM on February 14, 2015 [8 favorites]

For many, many reasons (several of which are outlined in the "Day" link), I don't celebrate Valentine's Day (although, on the other hand, I totally celebrate anniversaries which are personal and a great chance to check in as a couple and see how you've changed in the last year/five years/ten years which I really enjoy). What is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING to me is the number of people who don't believe my husband when he tells them this; coworkers will be like "What're you doing for Valentine's Day?" and he'll tell them "My wife doesn't like it so we don't celebrate it." and they'll be like "Oh, she's just saying that, she definitely wants something, you'll be in trouble if you don't have something prepared" and my husband's like "We've been married SEVEN YEARS, trust me, I know how she feels about this."

The absolute inability of a shocking number of people to accept that a woman in a relationship would not want to celebrate this particular holiday (and the related assumption that I am playing mind games or lying to my husband about what I want) completely boggles my mind.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:11 AM on February 14, 2015 [51 favorites]

The "cause" link mentions people getting together more often before Valentines, or breaking up more afterward. I guess I'm the only one who dumps people before Valentines to avoid the whole rigmarole.
posted by idiopath at 6:15 AM on February 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

ON THE OTHER HAND, Valentine's Day (or Anna Howard Shaw Day, thanks Liz Lemon, also cited in the buzzfeed link) is an important holiday on par with Easter in that it is, in the Pterodactyl calendar, one of the pre-feast days of contemplation and longing known as Cheap Candy Eve. Like Advent or Lent, you take time to reflect quietly on how the next day you can get TONS of ridiculous candy SUPER SUPER CHEAP. Last February 15th I got like a million different kinds of chocolate and fun dip and whatnot for my D&D group and we all feasted like kings on Whitman's Samplers and heart-shaped Reese's cups.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:19 AM on February 14, 2015 [58 favorites]

I guess I'm the only one who dumps people before Valentines to avoid the whole rigmarole.

I do this before Christmas and birthdays too. Saves me a load of money!
posted by dis_integration at 6:20 AM on February 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

I ignore all holidays. And awards shows. I pay careful attention to the phases of the moon, though. Tonight was waning gibbous.
posted by telstar at 6:20 AM on February 14, 2015 [31 favorites]

I'll always have mixed feelings about this holiday due to a brief romance I once had that began at a Bitter Singles Valentine's Day Pub Night. What began as two people consumed by the flames of love lust ended as a tire yard fire.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:24 AM on February 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'd rather celebrate Lupercalia myself.
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:26 AM on February 14, 2015 [7 favorites]

Saint Valentine is also the patron of Beekeepers, so give your honey some bees today.
posted by The Whelk at 6:29 AM on February 14, 2015 [30 favorites]

The actual origins of V-day most likely lie in the Roman fertility ritual of Lupercalia, featuring animal sacrifices, public nakedness and drunkenness, and women lining up to be whipped (as this was considered to favor fertility) and a matchmaking lottery. I prefer to celebrate Lupercalia on the 15th partly because of its amusing BDSM overtones and partly because it's my birthday.
posted by localroger at 6:30 AM on February 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Jinx, annika!
posted by localroger at 6:31 AM on February 14, 2015

Zathras wishes all of you Happy Valen Time, this year and all years!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:35 AM on February 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

featuring animal sacrifices, public nakedness and drunkenness, and women lining up to be whipped (as this was considered to favor fertility) and a matchmaking lottery.

BRING BACK LUPERCALIA NOW
posted by Foci for Analysis at 6:35 AM on February 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

No no no. If you don't overspend on all the holidays you are a bad person and probably a socialist or worse.
posted by dashDashDot at 6:55 AM on February 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

Oh, an epileptic saint was stoned and killed,
And then they brutally cut off his head;
You can touch any of his three reputed heads if you are ill,
And so we have Valentine's Day.

Oh, they used to grease up naked teenage boys,
And the emperor would tell them who to bed,
As they were beaten with whips made of freshly slaughtered goats to everybody's joy,
And so we have Valentine's day.

Oh, in France whoever you happened to see first
On that day you would generally have to wed,
Even if they were stupid or ugly or otherwise cursed,
And so we have Valentine's day.

So when you give a present to your love
Of poetry or flowers that are dead,
Remember exactly what you're doing and what this is a celebration of,
And why we have Valentine's day.
posted by kyrademon at 6:56 AM on February 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

We don't do Valentines Day here. Rather, we celebrate Washington's Birthday on 2/22, it's our wedding anniversary. This year makes 24.

We do, however, gleefully observe the Feast of St. Markdowns!
posted by MissySedai at 6:58 AM on February 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Lupercalia for the goatskin whipping, Saturnalia for the presents and role reversals, Romans had the bestest holidays.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:01 AM on February 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

From the last link:
I am determined to naysay the Valentine’s Day naysayers by championing this holiday as not only harmless in its approach to love but as a critical tool for understanding it.

Critical, no less! So no one can truly understand love unless they live in a culture that celebrates Valentine's day? Nice to know.

When people say, “I hate Valentine’s Day,” what they often mean is, “I hate being forced to take inventory of the quality and volume of love in my life.”

There's some truth to that, but my hate is for the 'forced' part, not for 'to take inventory of the quality and volume of love in my life'.
I'm fine with the quality and volume of love in my life. I think about it on a regular basis, with joy and gratitude. It doesn't make me buy any pink, red or heartshaped things though, so I guess it's not very commercially interesting.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:07 AM on February 14, 2015

...Lupercalia, featuring animal sacrifices, public nakedness and drunkenness, and women lining up to be whipped (as this was considered to favor fertility) and a matchmaking lottery.
posted by localroger at 9:30 AM on February 14

BRING BACK LUPERCALIA NOW
posted by Foci for Analysis at 9:35 AM on February 14

Well, Fifty Shades of Grey did open in theaters yesterday. I imagine a lot of women willing to be whipped were in line at the box office last night.
posted by magstheaxe at 7:08 AM on February 14, 2015

I'll be over here, with a goat's head on, who's got the animal skin?
posted by Annika Cicada at 7:10 AM on February 14, 2015

The absolute inability of a shocking number of people to accept that a woman in a relationship would not want to celebrate this particular holiday (and the related assumption that I am playing mind games or lying to my husband about what I want) completely boggles my mind.

No kidding. I'm the male half of a similar relationship, and I get the "dude, better go buy roses just in case!" all the time. They are trying to be helpful so it's not a big deal, but it is funny how many people do not believe me when I tell them I know what is wanted and what isn't.

Lupercalia, featuring animal sacrifices, public nakedness and drunkenness, and women lining up to be whipped (as this was considered to favor fertility) and a matchmaking lottery.

This, on the other hand, has some appeal, though I am sure Hallmark could strip the fun out of Lupercalia as well if given the chance.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:17 AM on February 14, 2015

Tonight was waning gibbous.

it's snowing brass monkeys here in michigan
posted by pyramid termite at 7:17 AM on February 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Today is my birthday, and I tend to bitch and moan about it every year. This morning I was awakened by the doorbell. Half-asleep, I went to answer. There was a handsome- think thirties movie star handsome- older (I'm older too) gentleman standing there smiling. I was awake enough to know that I'd never seen him before, but groggy enough to think ohhhh somebody sent me a boyfriend for my birthday. He handed me a large bouquet of roses and walked away.
posted by mareli at 7:48 AM on February 14, 2015 [27 favorites]

In the elevator at work yesterday was treated to stories about how some women are stupid bitches for wanting crap on Valentine's day but also how the speaker, a woman, dumped a guy for doing nothing on Valentine's day. So mostly I remained quietly grateful that husband and I don't celebrate it. Clearly doing so leads to madness.
posted by emjaybee at 8:07 AM on February 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

I like to muck around with traditions so one valentines I made my boyfriend a bouquet made of sausages.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:18 AM on February 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

For reasons I can't explain I am trusted by many of my friends. They have confessed all kinds of sins to me. One of the most odd is "I am in a very fun and progressive relationship, but I miss traditional romantic gestures." This has come from all genders, all preferences.

Once in a while, when I know that all of the lovers involved would not be put out, I get a chance to sneak in a little wish fulfillment. This feels great and is totally fun.

This year I got a bouquet of unicorns for a friend for valentine's day. She loves them, her partner thinks it is strange but totally cute. (I am not particularly interested in sex or romance with her, nor she with me. I just thought it would be fun and it was)

I think that the best approach here, as with all things, is to appreciate that the humans around you are fantastically complex beings. Try to learn as much as you can and listen to what they have to say. If you have a chance to do something nice for someone you love (agápe, eros, philia or storge) and you are sure it will do no harm, grab it!
posted by poe at 8:25 AM on February 14, 2015 [7 favorites]

The professional cuddling business in town is holding a "cuddle convention" for Valentines day. The local lone-wolf MRA douchebag has promised to show up with a megaphone and protest something or another that he doesn't like about cuddling.

Am I living in a DFW novel maybe?
posted by idiopath at 8:46 AM on February 14, 2015 [9 favorites]

idiopath, i think that needs a link
posted by pyramid termite at 9:04 AM on February 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Thanks! I was looking for something specific (the Craigslist post was deleted).
posted by idiopath at 9:06 AM on February 14, 2015

"cuddle whorehouses" he says. Meanwhile there's a strip club with private booths for lap dances a block away.
posted by idiopath at 9:09 AM on February 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

i, for one, welcome our cuddly overladies
posted by pyramid termite at 9:11 AM on February 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

One year, I was just starting out with some guy when Valentine's Day rolled around and I didn't know what to do. It was not at all serious and I wasn't sure about him or anything, and I've honestly never really thought Valentine's Day was any kind of big deal anyway. So I gave him a belated Groundhog Day card. I figured that was a perfect compromise.

Turned out the guy had gone totally overboard with a whole big candy-flower-card trifecta, and he was MAD about my card. And that pretty much made up my mind right there about that guy. I found a Groundhog Day card and thought of a clever solution to an awkward situation! If you are not impressed and appreciative of that, I really don't have anything more to offer you. (I mean, I didn't say that, and I waited a few days before I said anything, but that was when I decided.)

And my partner and I have that same Pterodactyl Family problem, except ours is mostly focused on the fact that we are common law married, but have never had a wedding because I really don't like weddings or even marriage related concepts. I don't even like the words 'husband' and 'wife,' and I kind of cringe whenever he calls me that W word or someone else calls me Mrs. Hisname. Nobody believes me, though. Some people seem completely incapable of understanding that the no wedding thing is ME, not HIM, and will give me advice about getting him to marry me. I told some friends a joke about how I was going to have to have a wedding to get this really great cake I saw, and even they, even women who I thought knew me, were like, "Oh, finally! I knew you really wanted to get married!"
posted by ernielundquist at 9:34 AM on February 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

My ex-with-benefits and I are probably going to get together for our usual weekly hangout tonight. We plan to finally watch "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolfe", which I have always found to be weirdly romantic. It's been sitting on his USB key full of media for months after I mentioned that; tonight feels like the perfect time.
posted by egypturnash at 9:35 AM on February 14, 2015

Oh, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe" is absolutely romantic, in the steep cliffs, stormy nights, and teenage suicide sense of romantic.
posted by idiopath at 9:37 AM on February 14, 2015

Why am I 100% certain that 2000 years ago the following conversation was taking place:

"Hey, you coming out for the Lupercal?"
"No, we're just, you know, going to spend a quiet afternoon in our atrium."
"What? Man, your girlfriend is going to be super-mad!"
"Actually, she doesn't like being whipped."
"Of course she does."
"No, she really doesn't."
"Look, there are girls who *say* they don't like being whipped, but it's a test. If she doesn't get whipped, you're going to hear about it."
"Dude, we've been dating since the 35th year of the reign of Emperor Augustus. I think I know whether or not she wants to be whipped."
"I'm telling you, all girls want to be whipped."
"... Can we just drop this please?"
posted by kyrademon at 10:08 AM on February 14, 2015 [37 favorites]

Valentine's Day exists so that people can find their true love. As in, if I was dating someone who wasn't as viscerally disgusted by this day as me, I would know I could never make it work with them.

6) Kids are indoctrinated too young

Oh. My. God. Can we talk? We have been very careful to send our kids to punk rock socialist schools that teach them to hate everything about American Capitalism. (These exist in Seattle). This year, we were told the three year old's and the five year old's classes were going to do valentines, but that it would be low key, and "no candy please." Ok.....I still had to meet with the teachers to make sure it wasn't a joke, no it's "kindness thing, giving cards to their friends." Fine, we'll play along. Got the kids' buy in, spent a whole Sunday at the art supply store and came home doing hand made cards with stamps and individualized decorations based on the child's known interest and personality types. Because there is No Fucking Way the hippie artist and Generally Countercultural parents at this school are phoning this in. But I'm still resentful at mandatory participation in a Hallmark holiday.

So I pick them up yesterday and not only is there tons of candy I didn't consent to, but half their cards are fucking Power Rangers or Mickey Mouse, and some of those weren't even signed. To be fair, some were hand made, and I enjoyed sitting with my kids talking about their friends who had made them cards. But the best I can think of is that it was a test to see which families actually "fit in" at the Seattle Lil' Anarchists Primary School. When they're a little older I can't wait to do Lupercalia cards.

So, anyway, we hit the Valentine's jackpot this year. Both kids were invited to drop off birthday parties tonight from 3-9 (free baby sitting!) and 2 months ago, my wife was given a gift card to the fanciest restaurant in town for some talk she gave and had the foresight to book valentines. So we are going to have crazy monkey sex then go get loaded at some stupid restaurant with big plates and small food for free and then we'll pick up the sleeping kids and go home for more sex. All with zero effort or expense. I could have done without the 7 am "Happy Valentine's Day!" text from my mother but all in all this will be a good day.

In summary, fuck Valentine's Day. If you are taking it too seriously you will never find love because you are an unoriginal loser who is desperate.

Metafilter: I'm too cool and happy for your stupid Hallmark holiday.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:33 AM on February 14, 2015 [14 favorites]

I am celebrating Anti-Valentine's Day. There were no metal shows around and I couldn't afford axe throwing, so I am curling up in front of the TV screen. Movie lineup: American Blackout, Session 9, Synecdoche New York, Inland Empire, Eraserhead, Identity, Primer, Upstream Color, Zodiac, The Prestige, Brazil.

Because I already did a horror binge recently and I can't afford drugs.

Happy Saint Beheading Day.
posted by quiet earth at 10:40 AM on February 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty pro-Valentine's Day, as I am pro- anything that is an excuse for chocolate and baked goods. And crafts. Somewhere there exists a photo of me age 6 or 7, on the basement floor, surrounded by the valentines I made for my classmates out of construction paper and paper doilies and glitter. Each one was unique.

I get it honestly. A couple of days ago I received in the mail a valentine like the ones you give out in school, with a hula girl on it ('aloha, valentine!'), from my mom. I hear she also mailed one to my dad, who lives in the same house as her, so...

My partner is on the left coast for work, so Valentine's day is Feb 21 this year. I will be making a black forest cheesecake.
posted by quaking fajita at 10:51 AM on February 14, 2015

Ugh, Slarty, are schools still making little kids exchange Valentine's Day cards? I guess we haven't made much progress since I was that age. When I was in elementary school, we were expected to give cards to everyone in our class, and a few weirdos made their own but most of us were shlepped by our moms to the drugstore or stationer's, where we bought a pack of Hallmark cards.

These packs had one big pretty card for the teacher, and about 25 smaller ones for the rest of the class. A few were really nice ones for your best friend, and the kid you were crushing on, and the popular kid you were hoping would like you because then your own social standing would improve. Most of the cards were just average, and you gave those to the kids you were meh about, but there were a few cards that were decidedly ugly and maybe even insulting, and those went to the kids that everybody hated: the weirdos, the misfits, the klutzes who were always picked last for the kickball team.

When we opened our cards we all knew exactly where we stood in the social hierarchy, since we all purchased the same packs of cards. One really nice card from your best friend didn't help when all the rest were the ugly ones. (And your best friend got all uglies too, so you were both pariahs!)

I don't know why teachers, school administrators, or parents thought that Valentine's Day cards were a good idea, but I guess the people who make those decisions were never the kids who got two dozen ugly cards.
posted by Quietgal at 11:33 AM on February 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

For the past couple of years, my husband, in lieu of flowers (which make me sad because they die - aside from our bouquets, all flowers at our wedding were living and taken home by guests in pots), has been donating to a charity that provides insulin to a child living in poverty in the developing world (a nice bouquet of flower's worth of donation is a year of insulin). I'm a Type 1 diabetic, so it's actually the most romantic thing anyone could possibly do for me, and I love it. Honestly, I have no time for anyone who would insist that I really want flowers, because what's romantic is PERSONAL, not generic.

We do have an understanding, though, that on February 15th, if either of us finds a really good post-Valentine's Day chocolate sale, we are instructed to go to town to restock the house (because I can afford insulin).
posted by ilana at 11:40 AM on February 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

I'm having the best Valentine's Day ever! My guy is out of town for two more weeks and he's nice enough, but I woke up to a boatload of sweet and loving texts from my best girlfriends, and a package from one of my BFFs who recently sent me the cutest kitten poster out of the blue.

They're all kind of far away from where I live, but I love them so much and I'm feeling so loved up. My girlfriends are the bestest thing to ever grace my life.

I'm going to go try to make a special Valentine's dessert now❤️ And send them all love notes.

Best Valentine's Day ever❤️❤️❤️
posted by discopolo at 11:42 AM on February 14, 2015

I spent the first very insecure years of my relationship (cut me some slack, I met him when I was 20) putting huge importance on Valentine's Day, much to the irritation of my fundamentally anti-Hallmark-Holiday boyfriend. Over time as we settled in and mellowed out, I stopped caring about it quite so much. Before kids, we used to use it as an excuse to cook a fancy three to five course meal together to eat at home, but after kids? Enh.

This year it's moot because I have a show tonight. (Berlioz's Romeo et Juliette, with the Seattle Symphony. Because what better way to celebrate love and romance than with the dramatic re-enactment of a double teenage suicide?)
posted by KathrynT at 12:24 PM on February 14, 2015

LET'S FACE IT, NO GIRL CAN RESIST A GIANT TEDDY BEAR
posted by benzenedream at 1:05 PM on February 14, 2015

I thought I was totally escaping this nonsense by being in Dubai. Ha. No such luck.
After having an epically weird convo with the reservation lady regarding whether I really did want a table for just one (yes) and whether I was ok with the minimum charge limit (yes), I managed to book a table at the bar at the top of the Burj Al Arab.
When I walked in, the entire fountain (huge) is filled with hearts made from roses. The smell alone nearly knocked me over.
Shit.
I then proceeded to the 27th floor where I entered a particular hell made of a combination of every restaurant scene from every romantic comedy ever. Oh boy.
Fortunately they had an excellent wine list, and I managed to survive the evening.
I'm taking this as evidence that V-Day is a symptom of capitalism.

There is a bright side- I haven't seen any stuffed animals, so at least I can avoid the heartbreak of seeing the poor unwanted ones lined up on grocery store shelves Feb. 15 and wanting to rescue them all.
posted by susiswimmer at 1:06 PM on February 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

LET'S FACE IT, NO GIRL CAN RESIST A GIANT TEDDY BEAR
posted by pyramid termite at 1:24 PM on February 14, 2015

Oh, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe" is absolutely romantic, in the steep cliffs, stormy nights, and teenage suicide sense of romantic.

heh I would have thought it was romantic in the "let's play hump-the-hostess" romantic.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:38 PM on February 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

LET'S FACE IT, NO GIRL CAN RESIST A GIANT TEDDY BEAR
posted by RobotHero at 2:09 PM on February 14, 2015

I appreciate Valentine's day for the freedom it gives me in making up "Roses are red" variations all day.
posted by solarion at 4:26 PM on February 14, 2015

Don't forget Feb 14th is the feast day of Saints Cyril and Methodius not to mention the anniversary of Oregon joining the union.

In my conflicting desires to conform and rebel, I have baked and decorated cakes on Feb 14th to celebrate those two auspicious events. Learning to pipe icing in Cyrillic characters or piping Mt Hood onto a cake is my way of showing my love for my partner. Highly recommended.
posted by bluebelle at 6:05 PM on February 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

I am a big fan of getting the MOST AWESOME kid's valentines I can and giving them to the other graduate students and some faculty I like. My first year, I found holographic dinosaur valentines!! My advisor still has "You're T. rexeriffic!" pinned up on his bulletin board - if you look at it from one direction it's a terrifying T. rex with flesh and muscle, and from the other direction it looks like a fossil! It's great!
posted by ChuraChura at 7:37 PM on February 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

I met my wife while travelling and our first Valentine's Day together was at Pakse in Laos. I bought her a rose and us a pack of Tim Tams (I have no idea why a shop in Laos would stock Tim Tams, but there they were). That started something of a minor tradition. This year instead of real roses as in past years I bought her a bundle of chocolate roses (plastic stems with foil-wrapped chocolate "roses" on the end for the flowers), plus a pack of Tim Tams. As it turned out, she had bought me Tim Tams, so we had something of a chocolate fest yesterday.

I snuck the roses onto her pillow in the morning when she got up briefly. My health has been very frail of late and I've been sleeping a lot, so after she found the roses I went back to sleep and spent most of the day in bed. In the evening she gave me back the plastic stems of the roses. Each "rose" had been carefully opened at one end to remove the chocolate, and she had artfully folded the empty foil to resemble an open flower. They ended up looking more like tulips than roses, but it was adorable.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 8:12 PM on February 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

waning crescent
posted by aydeejones at 8:49 PM on February 14, 2015

Well, I have spent the evening trying to delete malware (I think I finally managed it) and now the upstairs neighbors are literally banging! Oh what a night!

"When people say, “I hate Valentine’s Day,” what they often mean is, “I hate being forced to take inventory of the quality and volume of love in my life.”

Yup, otherwise known as "Rub It In Day." I'm now catching up on a show from last night and watching this poor girl get insulted and treated like crap for not having a date. Ugh. I was fine for most of the day but then it started to hit me on my way home. That I've never had THAT kind of holiday and never will. Bring back grade school Valentines, I say.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:20 PM on February 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Imbolc.

Point being we are past halfway winter solstice -> spring equinox.
posted by bukvich at 7:32 AM on February 15, 2015