Will Graham would never, ever judge you for ordering the salad.

July 9, 2015 10:12 AM

If Will Graham Were Your Boyfriend - by John Leavitt aka Mefi's own The Whelk, for The Toast.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome (37 comments total)

Almost as if in response to the Gwyneth one

(edit, I should RTFA first)
posted by k5.user at 10:16 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

If Will Graham were your boyfriend your interior decorating skills wouldn't be appreciated. It's his design.
posted by Fizz at 10:20 AM on July 9, 2015 [12 favorites]

That's a nice last line.
posted by angrycat at 10:24 AM on July 9, 2015

I must echo the question from the comments 'which CBT are we talking about here'
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:24 AM on July 9, 2015 [10 favorites]

Creels. Needs more creels.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:29 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

When people would casually mention routinely doing that in therapy I was always totally astonished but determined to be supportive.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:29 AM on July 9, 2015 [12 favorites]

My biggest regret in not being able to watch Hannibal is that I mentally Pinterest anything that I like for future decoration and fashion ideas, and I know I would be pinning that shit like a motherfucker.
posted by maxsparber at 10:30 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I must echo the question from the comments 'which CBT are we talking about here'

You know you know the answer to that question.
posted by PMdixon at 10:37 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I must echo the question from the comments 'which CBT are we talking about here'


First one, then t'other?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:44 AM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

You and Will Graham would sit together making complete binary trees, of course.
posted by Rangi at 10:46 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

The kind of CBT in which you are supposed to believe your brain when it tells you that becoming someone's Murder Husband is a terrible idea.
posted by Dr. Zira at 10:49 AM on July 9, 2015 [5 favorites]

I have no idea who Will Graham is, but now I want him to be my boyfriend.

Had no idea. Yes, I've googled him now.
posted by 256 at 10:55 AM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

I have no idea who Will Graham is, but now I want him to be my boyfriend.

You and Hannibal both
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:57 AM on July 9, 2015 [5 favorites]

My biggest regret in not being able to watch Hannibal is that I mentally Pinterest anything that I like for future decoration and fashion ideas, and I know I would be pinning that shit like a motherfucker.

Just use antlers in all of your decorating.
posted by peripathetic at 11:00 AM on July 9, 2015 [9 favorites]

I have no idea who Will Graham is, but now I want him to be my boyfriend.

I want him in me. (Smiles to self.)
posted by maxsparber at 11:01 AM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

He’d discreetly “lose” your paisley tie.

And you'd discreetly "lose" his liver in the bean casserole.
posted by carsonb at 11:06 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

carsonb! We're trying to heal and move on here!!!
posted by tel3path at 11:20 AM on July 9, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'm finally caught up on Season 3 and it was an unexpected chore. The whole snail motif has become a metaphor for the pace of the show.

If Will Graham were your boyfriend he'd glower a lot until he left you for a psychopath who may or may not kill you and eat you at some point.
posted by echocollate at 11:21 AM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

Needs moar gazing into sad blue eyes, and dogs. :)
posted by Squeak Attack at 11:40 AM on July 9, 2015

I've been casually following the "If X Were Your Boy/Girlfriend" series on The Toast, and it seems oddly appropriate that during "Discovery Channel Shark Week" they jumped it. (I was hoping they'd have done more with the "A Meat Processing Professional Reviews..." series myself.) I'm just surprised they're doing fictional characters before they did Taylor Swift or Benedict Cumberbatch or any Presidential candidates. But if they're going to go down that road, two words: Imperator Furiosa.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:07 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

If Wil Graham were your boy friend, and you hurt him terribly, he would forgive you.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:08 PM on July 9, 2015

AND PEOPLE SAID WRITING FAN FIC WAS A WASTE OF TIME
posted by The Whelk at 12:36 PM on July 9, 2015 [16 favorites]

If Imperator Furiosa were your girlfriend ALL THINGS WOULD BE SHINY AND CHROME AND YOU WOULD RIDE TOGETHER ETERNAL!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:42 PM on July 9, 2015 [9 favorites]

Dude, John, no. It's just been you saying that over and over again. Ever since Stephen Moffat made show-runner on Dr. Who it's been common knowledge that fan fiction writers—especially dedicated to their craft—can move on to pissing off ever greater numbers of rabid fans even unto a national and dare I say global scale. So quit feeling guilty about this obvious talent of yours and write another one.
posted by carsonb at 12:53 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Dear Whelk, I may or may not be interested in a scenario wherein all of the therapists engage in a little "group session" if you know what I mean and I think you do, thanks.
posted by echocollate at 12:58 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

Just use antlers in all of your decorating.

My, what a guy, that Will Graham.
posted by books for weapons at 1:02 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

If Imperator Furiosa were your girlfriend, she'd insist on teaching you how to shoot. You'd protest; bullets are precious, and it's wasting them to teach someone who doesn't go with the convoys on the Road. "Even if I did," you'd say, "I'd be with you, and you're always going to be the better shot." She'd cup your cheek. "I need to believe you'll be always be safe," she'd say, quietly. You wouldn't complain after that.

If Imperator Furiosa were your girlfriend, she'd hum lullabies to you when you couldn't sleep for nightmares, half-remembered snippets of song from her childhood. She doesn't remember the words anymore.

If Imperator Furiosa were your girlfriend, you would watch her sometimes, worried about the weight she shouldered, willingly, the responsibility for every soul in the Citadel. She'd prickle for a moment as she detected your gaze and then turn to you, raising one eyebrow, quizzical, challenging. Then you'd laugh, or she'd laugh, or a moment all those burdens would melt off of her and the world would just be the two of you, burnt and used up and dying but home all the same.
posted by kagredon at 1:35 PM on July 9, 2015 [24 favorites]

No one's talked about the watercolor accompanying the piece; I would like to talk about the watercolor because it is spectacular. (Also: I didn't know you put your initials in a little diamond, did you just start doing that? nice.)
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 2:36 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

kagredon, you really need to expand that and submit it to The Toast.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:40 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Memory palace.
posted by Artw at 3:11 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yeah the watercolor was the first time I did one of these spot illos without using ink or a pen, just the brush to create outlines. I tried to match the color scheme of the show.


I've always put my initials in a little diamond! I stole form the original logo of the Empire State Building which was a stylized E and S in a diamond.
posted by The Whelk at 3:11 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

If Imperator Furiosa were your girlfriend, you'd occasionally get up before her, and oil the joints in her arm, making extra careful to get all the grit out of the bushings and pins. She wouldn't say anything, but occasionally you'd see her stop whatever she was working on, and flex, and then glance over at you with a sort of half-smile.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:08 PM on July 9, 2015 [6 favorites]

Is this the part where I get scolded for not realizing Season 3 of Hannibal exists in the wild already?
posted by hototogisu at 5:58 PM on July 9, 2015

The watercolor is wonderful.
posted by echocollate at 7:43 PM on July 9, 2015

I want to hear more about this paisley tie.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:07 PM on July 9, 2015

How about what if that paisley tie was your boyfriend
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:08 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

The paisley tie in question
posted by The Whelk at 10:47 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]