The blood you’ve donated could be in somebody’s boner right now.
December 28, 2016 8:32 PM   Subscribe

 
Your current self is imagining your future self watch you through memories, but that future self is actually seeing a distorted, mixed up version of what happened due to memory’s imperfect nature. So both your imagination of your future self, and your future self’s memory of your current self, are illusions created by the mind, compounded by the distance of time.

I'm hoping the NSA finds that its huge mass of collected data is unusable for that very reason.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:52 PM on December 28, 2016 [4 favorites]


When medication says “do not operate heavy machinery” they’re probably mainly referring to cars, but my mind always goes to forklift.

nailed it
posted by logicpunk at 9:03 PM on December 28, 2016 [69 favorites]


Everytime you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever

*looks down at usual trappings of sweats, flannel shirt, and slippers*
Ehh, I'm good.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:06 PM on December 28, 2016 [14 favorites]


One of them is "I have never seen a Starbucks commercial." But, Glen. Glen Glen Glen.
posted by lastobelus at 9:09 PM on December 28, 2016 [4 favorites]


Some of these are hilarious. Others are painfully myopic.

"A guy can decline an invitation by saying his girlfriend won't let him go and everyone will likely understand. But if a girl declines an invitation by saying her boyfriend won't let her go, people will likely get concerned."

Yes, funny how women keep getting themselves killed by jealous boyfriends, and what is the deal with airline food?
posted by bibliowench at 9:30 PM on December 28, 2016 [35 favorites]


Ok. This one made me laugh out loud: "Since bat wings are just skin stretched between elongated finger bones, bats fly through the power of jazz hands."
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 9:43 PM on December 28, 2016 [37 favorites]


I wish I could repost "Kids, could you lighten up a little?" after most of my internal monologue
posted by en forme de poire at 9:49 PM on December 28, 2016 [8 favorites]


When two people kiss, an approximately 14 meter long tunnel is created between both of their assholes

the Drag Race gif here is preeeetty good but I would have gone with this
posted by en forme de poire at 10:03 PM on December 28, 2016 [6 favorites]


Is the thing about wind power somehow extracting too much energy from weather/environmental systems in there? Because I know it has to be nonsense but its recurrent nonsense.
posted by snuffleupagus at 11:10 PM on December 28, 2016 [2 favorites]


I don't know if it's because I just saw Rogue One or that I've had three beers but this is great:
dannysgreenpants:
just-shower-thoughts:

Why don’t jedis turn off their opponents lightsabers by force pressing the button?
I’m laughing so hard because instead of the epic lightsaber fight they’d just be aggressively switching them on and off could you imagine
posted by a car full of lions at 11:18 PM on December 28, 2016 [29 favorites]


This was on today's r/bestof:

Cup holders are just cup cups.

Blew my mind.
posted by monospace at 11:37 PM on December 28, 2016 [14 favorites]


There is no biblical evidence that Jesus even knew how to parallel park. Letting him take the wheel seems a bit irresponsible.

Uh, no, you’re so wrong? Everybody knows that Jesus drove a Honda, but he didn’t like to talk about it?
From John 12:49 ‘For I do not speak of my own Accord…’


Perfect.
posted by maxsparber at 4:52 AM on December 29, 2016 [31 favorites]


maxsparber, that is one of my favorite jokes of all time. I love sassy jesus humor. Like this.
posted by FirstMateKate at 5:11 AM on December 29, 2016 [10 favorites]


You would have loved growing up as a preacher's kid. Biblical + Dad jokes were, like, 90% of my humor.

It almost makes up for the congregation judging your every move.
posted by bibliowench at 5:23 AM on December 29, 2016 [7 favorites]


Jack Handy, Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright walk into a bar.
posted by fungible at 5:35 AM on December 29, 2016 [9 favorites]


Oh, god, bilbiowench. I'd have gotten in so much trouble. Because I also love this one.
posted by FirstMateKate at 5:37 AM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Came here to say that my view of cupholders changed fundamentally two days ago.
posted by spitbull at 6:27 AM on December 29, 2016


Jack Handy, Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright walk into a bar.

Holy shit. I just gained so much insight into my sense of humor.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:37 AM on December 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


If Jesus was born from a virgin birth, doesn’t that mean he has only an X chromosome. Wouldn’t that make him female?


Actually it would mean all of his chromosomes are unpaired, thus the old biologist joke that the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stands for haploid.

Some of theses are hilarious, but I found the ones about dogs at the "classics" link pretty touching.
posted by TedW at 6:43 AM on December 29, 2016 [5 favorites]




A recent one:
It would be more accurate to say Christmas is the season of giving whatever cold/flu virus you have to everyone in your extended family
Two Christmases ago my nephew was three, and was thus hip-deep in the Biological Petri Dish that is your average day care. He was "coming down with a cold" on Christmas day.

By December 29th, every single member of my extended family was sick with the worst cold any of us had ever had. I had to issue a plea on Facebook for someone to bring me Sudafed simply because I couldn't stop blowing my nose long enough to leave the house. But even that was better than everyone else - my nephew and I were the only two people who didn't develop pneumonia.

Whatever that was going through Cape Cod in 2014, that was no ordinary cold.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:36 AM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Don't forget /r/sonicshowerthoughts .
posted by Jpfed at 7:42 AM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


If Jesus were born today, we would make Joseph take a paternity test and solve this thing once and for all.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:43 AM on December 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


If Jesus were born today, we would make Joseph take a paternity test and solve this thing once and for all.

I saw this episode of Jerry Springer two years ago. You can only imagine the fist-fight that erupted.
posted by briank at 7:48 AM on December 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


Came here to say that my view of cupholders changed fundamentally two days ago.
posted by spitbull at 9:27 AM on December 29 [+] [!]


That post follows the logic of one of my other favorite tumblr posts
posted by FirstMateKate at 8:01 AM on December 29, 2016 [1 favorite]




The dog one, TedW, agreed. My heart.
posted by felix grundy at 8:28 AM on December 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


A personal fave in the Jesus memes category.
posted by Greasy Eyed Gristle Man at 11:14 AM on December 29 [1 favorite −] Favorite added! [!]

God bless.
posted by FirstMateKate at 8:39 AM on December 29, 2016


"It's not premarital sex if you never marry them," made me laugh for a solid minute. That belongs on a Dirtbag's Rules for Life list or something.
posted by emjaybee at 8:46 AM on December 29, 2016 [10 favorites]




I saw this episode of Jerry Springer two years ago. You can only imagine the fist-fight that erupted.

Now, how do you get a blood sample from the Lord?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:07 AM on December 29, 2016


What does not make me die or kills me makes me more strong.
posted by PHINC at 9:53 AM on December 29, 2016


The "dogs must view humans as near immortals" thread was pretty awesome, and the fleshed out idea of a dog seeing its owner grow old was pretty profoundly sad. Probably the best thing I've seen all week.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:55 AM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Now, how do you get a blood sample from the Lord?

Hit up any Catholic Church during Sunday mass.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:28 AM on December 29, 2016 [12 favorites]


All this carpenter Jesus talk makes me wonder if they had specialists then like they do now. If so did he do framing, or cabinetry, or finish work? I'm thinking the latter, because if anyone could figure out crown molding it would be Jesus.
posted by TedW at 10:36 AM on December 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


pretty sure his specialty was cross beams
posted by numaner at 10:39 AM on December 29, 2016 [11 favorites]


Do you ever cook something in the micro wave and its still cold in the center so you keep eating it because life is pointless?

<_<
posted by numaner at 11:23 AM on December 29, 2016 [8 favorites]


This is highly entertaining but it's pretty shitty that they don't link back to the original r/showerthoughts posts to credit the posters.
posted by capricorn at 12:11 PM on December 29, 2016


This one was too true:
Masturbation is probably the only DIY project you start that you will actually finish.

painful reality sets in...
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 12:17 PM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


| Birth Certificates are just receipts for human beings.

how and where can i return myself

#just2016things
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:08 PM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yes, funny how women keep getting themselves killed by jealous boyfriends, and what is the deal with airline food?

shower thoughts are more 'huh how come i never noticed that before?' than LOLOL THAT'S HILARIOUS. And that thought fits very well into the former rubric.
posted by Sebmojo at 1:12 PM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm just mainly again realizing that most people spend a lot more time in the shower than I do. I'd be like, "hm, woudn't it be weird if ... NEVAR MIND" *pops out of shower and starts toweling hair*
posted by taz at 1:38 PM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


When you put holes in a net, the net has fewer holes

I.. well... hmm... huh.
posted by numaner at 2:03 PM on December 29, 2016 [9 favorites]


Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.

dude
posted by numaner at 2:08 PM on December 29, 2016 [5 favorites]


Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.

dude


A rocket is on fire
posted by DowBits at 2:25 PM on December 29, 2016 [9 favorites]


touche
posted by numaner at 2:29 PM on December 29, 2016




It’s funny how as technology and cameras have improved, UFOs don’t seem that keen on visiting us anymore

There's a follow-up part to that one they didn't include: "...and cops started harassing and killing black people all the time."
posted by mhum at 4:13 PM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


If you photoshopped a man’s nipple on a woman’s breast would it still be nsfw?

someone test this on instagram pls
posted by numaner at 9:55 AM on December 30, 2016


The person who will have the most significant impact in your life may not even be conceived yet.
Reminds me of the SNL sketch "Meet Your Future Wife."
posted by soelo at 5:18 PM on December 30, 2016


Pleated Jeans: 19 Shower Thoughts to Expand Your Mind
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:54 AM on December 31, 2016


Johnny Wallflower brings it once again!
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 1:53 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]


« Older "Neo-Sithism and Neo-Imperialism are the same...   |   “...the platform that could.” Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments