“Here’s another dumbass thing burger chefs do...”
August 7, 2017 12:47 PM   Subscribe

You Are Cheesing Your Cheeseburgers All Wrong And I Can't Stand It Anymore [Deadspin] “...they flip the burgers on the grill, and then, while the burgers finish cooking, the chef lays slices of cheese on the top of the burgers, where presumably the heat of the grill will aid in the melting of the cheese. Don’t do this. It’s dumb! The cheese does not need a lot of heat to melt, and there will certainly be enough residual heat in the patties to melt the cheese when the patties go into the sandwiches. When you turbo-charge the melting process, all you wind up with is a burger with cheese that is melted too thinly over the top and is all folded up and congealed on the side of the burger.”
posted by Fizz (121 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
 
I've never noticed these problems he talks about. I do think it's nicely festive when the grillmaster says "OK, who wants cheese on their burgers?" and you say "me!" and then you get to watch the cheese melt on your burger for the last few seconds before you get to eat it. It's a tiny thing, but it's tradition!
posted by lunasol at 12:50 PM on August 7 [14 favorites]


But I like peeling the folded up cheese on the side of the burger off, and then eating it solo, all covered in meaty juices! Best bet would be to do one turbo-melted slice, and then one additional slice to melt slowly over the top.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 12:50 PM on August 7 [6 favorites]


Does this other method work for non-American cheeses with higher melting points, like cheddar? I note that the much-loved West Coast burger factory In-N-Out uses the "cheese on the grill" method and gets tasty-if-messy results.
posted by infinitewindow at 12:52 PM on August 7


Or, just use shredded cheese to get even distribution on your patty, then put a lid over it for the last minute or so that you grill it.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:53 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


GAHHHH NO *YOU* STOP IT! AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE INTERNET, STOP IT! STOP TELLING I AM DOING SANDWICHES WRONG AND TEA WRONG AND CHEESEBURGERS WRONG AND PEARS WRONG AND WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE WRONG! I AM MAKING THEM THE WAY I GODDAMN WELL LIKE THEM AND IF YOU LIKE THEM DIFFERENTLY THEN MAKE THEM THAT WAY YOUR GODDAMN SELF AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!
posted by kyrademon at 12:54 PM on August 7 [139 favorites]


It's good that the accompanying photo shows burgers that have been formed using the appropriate dimple technique for grilling.
posted by asperity at 12:55 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


Clearly the correct method is to put the bun sliced-side-up on the cooler part of the grill, then put a slice of cheese on each half. As the bun slices warm up, the cheese slices melt onto the bun. Apply burger to bun, apply condiments and vegetables as needed, eat.
posted by slkinsey at 12:56 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


Make two smashed patties instead of one thick one, and put the cheese between them.
posted by schoolgirl report at 12:57 PM on August 7 [5 favorites]


GAHHHH NO *YOU* STOP IT! AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE INTERNET, ...

What she said.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:01 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


This is what happens when mansplaining turns on itself
posted by TedW at 1:03 PM on August 7 [12 favorites]


Make two smashed patties instead of one thick one, and put the cheese between them.

In the event of two patties, the order is:
bun
cheese
patty
cheese
patty
cheese
bun

Thank you for your attention on this matter.
posted by briank at 1:03 PM on August 7 [15 favorites]


This just looks like someone wrote an article in 10 minutes to keep up with their daily quota.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:04 PM on August 7 [18 favorites]


manception!

Edit: BHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAMP!
posted by gauche at 1:04 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]


If you've stooped to cooking your hamburgers on a grill rather than a flat-top you should feel free to cheese them in any way you want.
posted by AndrewInDC at 1:04 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


Two words. Jucy Lucy.
posted by Splunge at 1:06 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]


By cheese, he must mean "processed cheese food product", cause that is the only thing that will melt merely from the residual heat of a patty.
Any cheese worth the name is going to need a little extra heat from the grill to achieve proper gooeyness.

Nothing worse than encountering a half melted lump of cold cheese halfway through your burger.

In short, his method is bad, and he should feel bad.
posted by madajb at 1:06 PM on August 7 [24 favorites]


Putting the lettuce, tomatoes, etc. underneath the burger actually sounds reasonable. What is unreasonable, of course, is using the internet, a useful product of civilization, for YELLING ABOUT HOW THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN DONE IS TOTALLY WRONG AND YOU'RE AN IDIOT FOR NOT DOING IT MY WAY, THE RIGHT WAY!!
posted by kozad at 1:07 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


These truly are the dark days of the internet - we have gone from I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER to CEILING CAT SEZ YOU'RE CHEEZING IT WRONG.

I'm with kyrademon - fuck off and get your own cheezburger.

also, I just want to say that I really feel that I've truly mastered the little quarter turn on the grill technique that gives the nice diamond grill marks on things like burgers and steaks in the past couple of years and nobody fucking notices; they all just devour the meat and tell me how good it tastes. Presentation matters too people!
posted by nubs at 1:08 PM on August 7 [10 favorites]


I like to horrify people by telling them I like my burgers well done. I think it's gross when they're really juicy. Guess how I like my steak?

Just think, I'd never know I was wrong if not for hastily-written articles on the internet that serve as vehicles for banner ads.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:09 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]


it's like the hamburglar but instead of stealing hamburgers he just steals the joy you used to get from making them

ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE /hamburglar
posted by miles per flower at 1:14 PM on August 7 [11 favorites]


I realized there wasn't enough love going into my cheeseburgers so I started keeping all my singles next to my skin during the cooking process like baby kittens with hypothermia. Then when it's time to cheese the meat, I whip off my t-shirt and peel the top layer of the plastic off as if I were ripping off a bandaid. If I do it with the right thrusting motion, it flings the cheese exactly onto the burger I'm aiming at without the unsanitary need to touch the cheese with my hands and the plastic stays stuck to my chest thanks to the thin layer of sweat. I don't need to deal with the plastic trash in any hurry and I can plate the burgers at leisure. I do not understand why anybody who has applied logic to cheeseburgers would do it differently.
posted by mattamatic at 1:14 PM on August 7 [34 favorites]


Just think, I'd never know I was wrong if not for hastily-written articles on the internet that serve as vehicles for banner ads.

I thought you knew your were wrong because it's like now permanently associated with our current president.
posted by FJT at 1:14 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


I don't have any particularly strong feelings about the best method of cheese melting on burgers, but I'm going to use this opportunity to yell about my burger pet peeve: LETTUCE ONLY EVER RUINS THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF A BURGER. IT MAKES EVERYTHING SLIDE AROUND AND GET MORE DRIPPY. THAT IS ALL IT DOES. IT IS POINTLESS. STOP ADDING IT TO BURGERS.
posted by yasaman at 1:15 PM on August 7 [14 favorites]




I do not understand why anybody who has applied logic to cheeseburgers would do it differently.

In most cases, the cows were not maintained at proper temperature and pressure conditions at the dairy in the first place, so the cheese is worse than garbage anyway and this is all just a lot of wasted effort.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:26 PM on August 7 [6 favorites]


Oh, and I propose that there's a whole other style of melty cheese seen usually in dishes like lasagna and pizza, but also now kinda trendy with raclette. This is where the cheese is heated under direct heat until the inside becomes melty, but the outside is caramelized and possibly a wee bit burnt in places. I've tried it by finishing a microwaved frozen cheeseburger in a toaster oven and I can say it improved its taste greatly. I would imagine if attempted on a real cheeseburger, it would be simply divine and that outer heated layer might even protect the cheese from the tomatoes and lettuce piled on top.
posted by FJT at 1:28 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


I'm wildly obsessive compulsive when it comes to food, so I should write an article about how everybody is cooking burgers ALL WRONG unless they do the weird stuff I do, like swapping out spatulas midway through the cooking process, or washing their hands like 20 times over the course of the meal prep. And naturally, one must be prepared to deal with unexpected problems that crop up while you're cooking, like if you're about to take the burgers off the grill and you're not sure if that plate is really clean, or if a fly might have landed on it while you weren't looking. I mean, doesn't anyone take cooking seriously anymore?

Also, if you're not inspecting the tines of your forks to make sure there's nothing between them, you're just going to end up with a sub-par meal (and obviously you need the forks to handle the buns without touching them with the same hands that touched the handle of the spatula, which you might have handled after touching the fridge door, which, I mean, I don't think I need to explain that one).

(I've actually started taking pictures of the weird stuff I end up doing while I'm cooking. I've been thinking of starting a photoblog.)
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:29 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]


The best way to prepare a cheeseburger is in a manner which best achieves an optimal synthesis of process and flavor. This is usually the way that you did while growing up. Funny, that.
posted by truex at 1:30 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


It's weirdly nearing offensiveness when this is called mansplaining, since women have opinions about it, too, and are just as capable of being condescending. (Condescension is the great uniter!)

But, anyway, Mr Thompson's proposed solution, of mashing the cheese/burger/bun together near the end, is no better, since he's now removed my opportunity to garnish BOTH sides.

Cold things like lettuce, tomato, maybe avocado, etc go on the bottom, along with cold condiments like mayo. Hot things like cheese and bacon and grilled onions go on top, along with mustard and, if necessary, ketchup.

My burger is organized, yo.
posted by rokusan at 1:30 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]


Shapes, I swore off burgers as a child for an entire year after observing my father dropping one on the sidewalk mid-flip, then returning it to the grill. It scarred me, as all burgers were now covered with rocks and fried ants, in my mind.

I only held out a year, though. Because burgers.
posted by rokusan at 1:31 PM on August 7 [6 favorites]


The best way to make a cheeseburger is to double-fry a boneless chicken thigh and put that in between a bun.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:32 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


The best way to make a cheeseburger is to double-fry a boneless chicken thigh and put that in between a bun.

That is a cheeseburger only in the sense that it has no cheese and is not a burger.

Unless the bun is made of cheese, I suppose....
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:44 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


A previous apocalyptic era had the Old Testament prophets. We have cheese pedants.
posted by ryanshepard at 1:45 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


This is usually the way that you did while growing up.

So, you're saying my burger should taste of lighter fluid, with a charcoal mouthfeel, enveloped by white bread so soft, it has no hope of sustaining any sort of condiment load without collapsing into a gummy mess?

Best enjoyed, of course, with the oily tang of DEET on your hands because, "It's summer, godamnit, we're gonna eat outside."
posted by madajb at 1:47 PM on August 7 [16 favorites]


Aw heck. There's a cheeseburger, and then there's a Shady Glen cheeseburger.
posted by kinnakeet at 1:48 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


The cheese does not need a lot of heat to melt, and there will certainly be enough residual heat in the patties to melt the cheese when the patties go into the sandwiches. When you turbo-charge the melting process, all you wind up with is a burger with cheese that is melted too thinly over the top and is all folded up and congealed on the side of the burger.”

That's why I put TWO slices of fresh provolone cheese on top of my burger to wrap it in a cocoon of melted and crispy cheese.

People just have no imagination.
posted by Talez at 1:53 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


GRILL YOUR CHEESE THEN PLACE ATOP IT THE RAW MEAT, LETTING THE HEAT FROM THE CHEESE COOK THE MEAT THEN DEVOUR ATOP A GRANITE OUTCROPPING

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY

SO SPEAKS THE LAWGIVER
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 1:54 PM on August 7 [8 favorites]


Good thing this guy didn't also blather on about a plate of baked beans, because at that point, forget needing burgers. Metafilter would have just eaten itself.
posted by thebrokedown at 1:56 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


I realized there wasn't enough love going into my cheeseburgers so I started keeping all my singles next to my skin during the cooking process like baby kittens with hypothermia. Then when it's time to cheese the meat, I whip off my t-shirt and peel the top layer of the plastic off as if I were ripping off a bandaid.

Wait just a gosh darned minute. You're telling me that kraft singles are individually wrapped in plastic?
posted by srboisvert at 1:57 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]


Also, one thing I love to do, is take a nice big slice of ham (real ham, off the bone, not that formed shit) and place it in the pan when I put my cheese on the burger. That way I can put it on top of the cheesy burger and make it even more a salty umami bit of deliciousness.

And if you're the kind to go for BBQ sauce pick up some honey ham to do this job. Gives the hint of sweetness without the overloaded sweet flavour normally found in BBQ sauce.
posted by Talez at 1:58 PM on August 7


I am glad to learn I have been doing it wrong all these years. My now-deprecated technique was to put two slices of american cheese between two slices of bread and grill them in butter until the cheese melted and the bread toasted. And I apparently have been referring to them by the wrong name as well. I stand corrected...
posted by jim in austin at 2:01 PM on August 7


The cheese does not need a lot of heat to melt, and there will certainly be enough residual heat in the patties to melt the cheese when the patties go into the sandwiches.

So on several occasions in my life I have forgotten to bring the cheese with me and have inadvertently applied this technique. I can therefore state with scientific certainty, having performed this experiment and gathered the results, that his assertion that there is enough heat to melt the cheese is a

TOTAL FUCKING LIE

There is not. I have eaten the cheeseburgers that were the proof of this. Oh, to be sure, I suppose that if you left the cheese on long enough it might melt. But this would require you to have a completely prepared cheeseburger and then, rather than eat it as God, our forebearers, and all just people would urge us, to just gaze at it for a while like the world's greatest dumbass. Don't stare at it, eat it.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:03 PM on August 7 [12 favorites]


My now-deprecated technique was to put two slices of american cheese between two slices of bread and grill them in butter until the cheese melted and the bread toasted. And I apparently have been referring to them by the wrong name as well.

Yeah, that's a Peebeean Jay, named after the character from the Mass Effect game, who really enjoyed that kind of sandwich.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:04 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


So, how does everyone feel about this article?
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 2:05 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


This week, on The Anal-Retentive Chef ...
posted by Flexagon at 2:11 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]


Cold things like lettuce, tomato, maybe avocado, etc go on the bottom, along with cold condiments like mayo. Hot things like cheese and bacon and grilled onions go on top, along with mustard and, if necessary, ketchup.

So your bottom teeth are biting into cold as your upper teeth are biting into warm?
This is weird. You're being weird.
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:18 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]


MILK COW, THEN KILL IT AND BUTCHER IT, AND HANG THE MEAT TO DRY-AGE WHILE HANDCRAFTING THE MILK INTO CHEESE USING RENNET FROM THE BUTCHERED COW! GRIND MEAT INTO HAMBURGER, SEASON WITH SALT FROM THE COW'S SALT LICK THEN GRILL OVER HIGH HEAT FOR 2 TO 3 MINUTES, TURN 45 DEGREES FOR 2 MINUTES, FLIP FOR 2 TO 3 MINUTES, TURN 45 DEGREES FOR 1 MINUTE, COVER WITH 2 SLICES OF CHEESE FOR 1 MINUTE THEN REALIZE YOU FORGOT TO MAKE BUNS FROM SCRATCH, SOW SOME WHEAT SEED, RAISE WHEAT, HARVEST AND PROCESS WHEAT, COLLECT YEAST FROM OREGON GRAPE BUSHES, ADD LEFTOVER MILK BUT NOW THE MILK AND HAMBURGER AND CHEESE IS BAD SO RAISE ANOTHER COW...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:21 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]


A previous apocalyptic era had the Old Testament prophets. We have cheese pedants.
posted by Zedcaster at 2:25 PM on August 7


This is dumb. You melt the cheese on the burgers and then throw them all into a foil tray, no buns, and you tell everybody they're ready and everybody just keeps playing bocce and you wonder why you bother and then three hours later, when the flies have had their fill, some drunk will ask if there are any burgers left and you will say, yeah, but I don't know if you want to eat them, and they will throw three patties on a hot dog bun, cover them with ketchup, eat half, and pass out on the lawn.

That's how you grill cheeseburgers.
posted by uncleozzy at 2:36 PM on August 7 [37 favorites]


that's a good idea, Chris. you're absolutely right

honey don't invite Chris to the next fucking barbeque
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:42 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


Atom Eyes, how long do your bites take? Mine are usually over pretty quickly so the food can be mixed together in my mouth.
posted by Emmy Rae at 2:47 PM on August 7


It scarred me, as all burgers were now covered with rocks and fried ants, in my mind.

I'd much rather have fried ants on my burger than cheese. Ew.
posted by straight at 2:49 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


Melted industrial cheese from a can ladled over the whole damn thing. So good it hurts.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:56 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


More evidence.
posted by Splunge at 2:57 PM on August 7


Aaaaaaaagh! No!

This is not a problem! The opposite thing is the problem! I'm looking at you, every single double Whopper ever, with your floppy-ass cheese slice!

Tomato-lettuce-pickle cool-cool side counteracts the patty hot-hot side and keeps the cheese in its craptacular rubbery congealed state. It's a matter of heat to mass something or other energy storage or whatever. There was a Beakman's World about it, I think, or maybe a Bill nye the Science Guy -- well, about a big block of ice and a blowtorch IIRC, but it's the same principle. The cheese will only be adequately melted if the hot-hot side and cool-cool side are separated physically for a sufficient amount of time, and the cheese is on the former. Just give the cheese a few seconds. Do not rush in with your vegetables.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:58 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


briank: "Make two smashed patties instead of one thick one, and put the cheese between them.

In the event of two patties, the order is:
bun
cheese
patty
cheese
patty
cheese
bun

Thank you for your attention on this matter.
"

I can't help but notice a distinct lack of bacon in your formulation.
posted by Mitheral at 3:10 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


Tomato-lettuce-pickle cool-cool side counteracts the patty hot-hot side and keeps the cheese in its craptacular rubbery congealed state. It's a matter of heat to mass something or other energy storage or whatever. There was a Beakman's World about it, I think, or maybe a Bill nye the Science Guy -- well, about a big block of ice and a blowtorch IIRC, but it's the same principle. The cheese will only be adequately melted if the hot-hot side and cool-cool side are separated physically for a sufficient amount of time, and the cheese is on the former. Just give the cheese a few seconds. Do not rush in with your vegetables. Hes just like Foreverial tiedup Jake and foreverial tiedup Justin, but his species is Mouse not Rat or Kangaroo Rat, same full delitization process, same organs, same lips, same tongue, same nose, everything. fully wrapped tiedup all over leaving only head and feet visible just like foreverial tiedup Justin and foreverial tiedup Jake. Jumps around everywhere licking everyone and everything with his permanent bologna, ham and cream cheese tongue. An all foreverially tiedup all over, permanent rubbery rope covered, rope mummified, fully wrapped, permanent bologna, ham and cream cheese tongued, permanent pastrami nosed, permanent bologna and ham earred, permanent ham lipped, permanent bologna mouthed, permanent bologna headed, permanent bologna brained, permanent bologna bodied, permanent bologna organned and permanent bologna insided, permanent ketchup, tomato, pizza, bbq and taco sauce type blooded, male licking happy mummy mouse. Thats all I am going to add, did this before, will do it again and more.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:20 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


ok
posted by Sys Rq at 3:24 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


The cheese will only be adequately melted if the hot-hot side and cool-cool side are separated physically for a sufficient amount of time, and the cheese is on the former.

I was going to mention that McDonald's late, unlamented McDLT had solved that problem in the 1980s. Until I watched the commercial at that link and saw they put the cheese on the "cool" side. WTF, McDonalds?
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:24 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


I am pretty much okay with whatever anyone wants to do to their burgers (my husband's favorite local burger has peanut butter on it, and while I am a peanut sauce fan I think this thing is not for me), but I do think if you're going to make them apocalyptically messy or just really weird, you need to put a highly-visible disclaimer somewhere before the ordering point.

Because if you're at the Sacramento airport and needing to grab something to eat pretty quickly or take on the plane, even, maybe don't put a giant container-filling cheese skirt on the burger? My boss and I, after our own o_0 moment, got to enjoy watching another half dozen people pick up their orders and take them to a table and just sit back, looking around, all what the fuck is this, wondering if this is a prank show of some sort. I can't even imagine if I'd taken that thing on the plane before I opened the box.

(As a friend told me, the skirt is good but you can either eat the skirt or the burger, both of them together is too much food.)

Also: In-n-Out. I can only eat it if I have some kind of towel or blanket on hand so I can protect my clothes/desk/car from all the drips.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:26 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


I kinda half-remembered that this McDLT commercial existed.

I did not remember that it featured freaking Aretha Franklin.
posted by box at 3:28 PM on August 7


they put the cheese on the "cool" side. WTF, McDonalds?

Between the L and the T, no less! It boggles the mind.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:33 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


By the way, don't mistake the fact that people are making a lot of comments in this thread for an indication that it was a good post. "Clickbait" isn't really a positive description.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:35 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


it's like the hamburglar but instead of stealing hamburgers he just steals the joy you used to get from making them.

Actually, it's Doctor Hamburglar. This guy is Hamburglar's monster.
posted by condour75 at 3:44 PM on August 7 [13 favorites]


More like Hambungler, amitrite?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:49 PM on August 7


I do so many things wrong. Will the internet ever really truly love me?
posted by bongo_x at 3:58 PM on August 7 [4 favorites]


So your bottom teeth are biting into cold as your upper teeth are biting into warm?

Yes. The contrast is delicious.

This is weird. You're being weird.

Yes. I am also delicious.
posted by rokusan at 4:23 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


I would rather risk thinned-out cheese than undermelted, lukewarm, slightly sweaty and congealed cheese any day.

There is nothing in the comestible universe worse than half-melted cheese.
posted by delight at 4:59 PM on August 7


Yes. The contrast is delicious.

I can confirm this, though the cheese has to be chilled just right and the burger has to be precisely cooked to melt-in-your-mouth levels of done-ness.

This is weird. You're being weird.

That's how my grandmother made cheeseburgers.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:40 PM on August 7


well somebody's gonna buy my clickworthy hot take about how licking off cheese sweat is the only real way to enjoy a cheeseburger, right?
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:57 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


Hey, remember the McDonald's McDLT, the burger that was served with a section for the cold side and a section for the hot side?

As long as the cheese is melted I'm on board. Just nothing that coagulates, like cheddar. I'm pretty easy when it comes to burgers.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:00 PM on August 7


Is this something I'd have to be a Gentile to understand?

I'm sorry, it was too good to pass up, despite being a Gentile.

Sort of like the bacon cheeseburger.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:08 PM on August 7


this is just to say
I have eaten
the cheeseburgers
that were on
the grill

and which
you had prepared
totally
and completely wrong

I forgive you
but they were subpar
so sloppy
and over-melted
posted by dephlogisticated at 6:23 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]


Also: In-n-Out. I can only eat it if I have some kind of towel or blanket on hand so I can protect my clothes/desk/car from all the drips.

You are supposed to drape the napkin over your head and face to preserve the aromas and to hide yourself from the eyes of God.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:24 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


God always sees when you're doing it wrong.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:29 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


Stacking order:

Bun
Barbecue sauce
Grilled onions & musrooms
Beef patty WITH PROVOLONE MELTED ON THE PATTY ON GRILL, YES -- USE THE ROUND SLICES AND YOU WONT HAVE THE STUPID DROOPY TRIANGLES, GODDAM PUT TWO IF YOU WANT
Sliced tomato
Sliced avocado
Mayonnaise
Bun.

Get it? Got it? Good.


variations may apply ad infinitum depending upon personal taste - take advantage of the free country thing while you can, cheddar is a good melting cheese, as is mozzarella. Whatever floats your boat
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:30 PM on August 7 [2 favorites]


Also. If you manage to cut your palm slicing the avocado the right way, get out of the kitchen & stay out. If you don't know an avocado should be ripe enough to cut through with a dull butter knife you don't need to be in here.

Sorry, that's parenthetical to the point, but it's been bugging me for a while, now.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:34 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


Cheese should not go on hamburgers.

You're all perversions of gustatory excellence.
posted by mephron at 6:35 PM on August 7


My mother in law ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese the other day. You two should meet.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:36 PM on August 7


USE THE ROUND SLICES AND YOU WONT HAVE THE STUPID DROOPY TRIANGLES

protip you can also eliminate droopy triangle syndrome by simply tearing your square of cheez in half and arranging the betorn rectangles into a plus sign or x if you prefer added bonus the middle of the patty gets dubble cheez
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:41 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]


Cheese should not go on hamburgers.

You're all perversions of gustatory excellence.

Right? Everyone knows cheese goes on pineapple.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:54 PM on August 7


I kinda half-remembered that this McDLT commercial existed.

I did not remember that it featured freaking Aretha Franklin.



Yes it did.

And for any young people who might be wondering, yes- the '80s were actually kind of hissy and grainy all the time.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:56 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


protip you can also eliminate droopy triangle syndrome by simply tearing your square of cheez in half and arranging the betorn rectangles into a plus sign or x if you prefer added bonus the middle of the patty gets dubble cheez


It's also a good way to signal that you are eating a proper Christian cheeseburger, and not one of those heathen or apostate ones.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:58 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


I've discovered that toasting the bun, then going:

Bun
Cheese
Burger
Cheese
Bun

...there's extra cheese in every bite. If I want mustard I'll toast the bun with it smeared on the business end before applying cheese.
posted by floweredfish at 7:00 PM on August 7


Of course cheese shouldn't go on hamburgers. Cheese goes on cheese burgers.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:01 PM on August 7 [7 favorites]


Had burgers tonight, forgot we were out of cheese. Meal was saved by the King's Hawaiian buns I bought last week.
posted by lhauser at 7:05 PM on August 7


Is that what Big Kahuna Burger uses?
posted by thelonius at 7:12 PM on August 7


It's what was under Elvis's trunks in Blue Hawaii.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:15 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


Everyone knows cheese goes on pineapple.

Pineapple is also a horror and you post flagged as offensive
posted by mephron at 7:54 PM on August 7


like swapping out spatulas midway through the cooking process

I am a good guest and eat whatever I am served, but it always pains me to watch people cross-contaminate their food with the utensils. People will be scrupulous about the cutting board, have antibacterial soap at every sink (despite science to the contrary), and then they use the same spatula on the raw and cooked meat.

My mother in law ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese the other day. You two should meet.

I used to have a friend who would order cheeseburgers without the burger as a way of getting a (semi-) vegetarian option in places with nothing vegetarian on the menu. I tried one once and it was pretty sad eating, but probably better than nothing.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:57 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


I can't eat dairy, but I just had a hamburger taco, which uses a corn tortilla instead of a bun and has salsa and lettuce as condiments. It's perfect because you cut the burger in half and it fits in a corn tortilla perfectly. You warm the tortillas, except I use the burner on the gas stove and blackened one tortilla and dropped another on the floor. I confess to the Internet that I AM DOING IT WRONG.
posted by theora55 at 8:56 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]


It's also a good way to signal that you are eating a proper Christian cheeseburger, and not one of those heathen or apostate ones.

Take, eat; this is my burger which is given to you. Do this in remembrance of me.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:31 PM on August 7 [3 favorites]



bun
cheese
patty
cheese
patty
cheese
bun


boots and
cats and
boots and
cats and
boots and
cats and
bun cheese
patty bun
posted by davejay at 12:08 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]


IF YOU LIKE THEM DIFFERENTLY THEN MAKE THEM THAT WAY YOUR GODDAMN SELF AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

You're telling me to leave you the hell alone wrong. No need to shout.
posted by flabdablet at 1:46 AM on August 8


Wait just a gosh darned minute. You're telling me that kraft singles are individually wrapped in plastic?

Meh. You say "plastic", I say "mouth feel".
posted by flabdablet at 1:50 AM on August 8


There's a cheeseburger, and then there's a Shady Glen cheeseburger.

I was coming in here to say precisely this and see I don't need to.

(looks about furtively)

Kinnakeet, if you want to form a Shady Glen Appreciation Society I got a couple other Mefites in mind who may be interested. (A couple of us are CT expats and Shady Glen is a Proust's-Madeline thing.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:53 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]


The newly opened HiHo has one of the best cheeseburgers I've ever had. $6.95 for 100% wagyu beef, and worth the Santa Monica traffic.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:09 AM on August 8


I can't eat melted cheese. You'd think I'd asked for a big turd on my burger, the way people look at me when I ask for my cheese slice on the side.
posted by Stonkle at 6:26 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]


Soften them up by initially demanding that your hot fudge sauce be put inside your Big Mac instead of on your sundae.

If by some remote chance they actually serve you this, don't fret; just make sure you eat it where they can watch. You'll give them the gurgly boggles at no personal cost to you: there's already so much sugar in a Mickey D's bun, and so much more in the Special Sauce, that what's added by the hot fudge is barely perceptible.
posted by flabdablet at 6:31 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]


You'd think I'd asked for a big turd on my burger, the way people look at me when I ask for my cheese slice on the side.

I feel ya. I despise ketchup and I used to have the worst trouble getting people to accept that. No, seriously, do not put it on my burger. How hard is that?
posted by thelonius at 6:42 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]


I despise ketchup and I used to have the worst trouble getting people to accept that. No, seriously, do not put it on my burger. How hard is that?

See, the condiment question is a simple one to solve (unlike, apparently, how to cheese your burger); you put out the buns, you put out all the condiments, you put out the plate of beautifully cooked cheeseburgers, and you let people assemble them however they want!
posted by nubs at 7:59 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]


> Melted industrial cheese from a can ladled over the whole damn thing.

Like this?
posted by lucidium at 8:01 AM on August 8


In looking for that video I also found this method, which is what I think I'm going to do from now on, maybe without the scissors.
posted by lucidium at 8:02 AM on August 8


USE THE ROUND SLICES AND YOU WONT HAVE THE STUPID DROOPY TRIANGLES

protip you can also eliminate droopy triangle syndrome by simply tearing your square of cheez in half and arranging the betorn rectangles into a plus sign or x if you prefer added bonus the middle of the patty gets dubble cheez


I'm going to assume that Cook's Illustrated uses the protractor method.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:06 AM on August 8 [1 favorite]


Shady Glen Appreciation Society

O EmpressCallipygos, Shady Glen has so much wonderful I can't even. Got family in Manchester so I still get a regular fix. Gotta have Grape-Nuts ice cream too.
posted by kinnakeet at 8:17 AM on August 8


USE THE ROUND SLICES AND YOU WONT HAVE THE STUPID DROOPY TRIANGLES

It's not going to affect my performance
posted by flabdablet at 8:36 AM on August 8 [2 favorites]


just chiming in to note that 'processed cheez slices' aren't cheese being made mostly of whey & margarine emulsified with Beelzebub snot. Might as well dress your burger with the skin off my tapioca pudding; at least there'd be more dairy in it.
posted by mce at 6:29 PM on August 8


I don't eat them because they're diary, I eat the because they're really good on top of a burger.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 6:33 PM on August 8 [1 favorite]


And thus began the Cheese Wars. The end of all things.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:42 PM on August 8


And thus began the Cheese Wars. The end of all things.

No. There is no end to being wrong on the internet.
posted by nubs at 8:49 AM on August 9


There is no end to being wrong on the internet.

Ugh, yes there is.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:52 AM on August 9


You're both wrong.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:28 AM on August 9 [2 favorites]


just chiming in to note that 'processed cheez slices' aren't cheese being made mostly of whey & margarine emulsified with Beelzebub snot. Might as well dress your burger with the skin off my tapioca pudding; at least there'd be more dairy in it.

Interesting but factually incorrect. "Pasteurized process cheese" (note: it's "process" not "processed") is made out of at least two cheeses blended together with various emulsifying agents ("American cheese" requires certain specific cheeses). If they call it "pasteurized process cheese food" that means that other dairy ingredients have been added.
posted by slkinsey at 9:51 AM on August 9 [3 favorites]


the insect knees and lips don't start showing up until you get to "pasteurized process cheese food product"
posted by flabdablet at 10:53 AM on August 9 [1 favorite]


Remember: If you're not paying for the pasteurized process cheese food, you're not the customer, you're the insect knees and lips.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:16 AM on August 9 [2 favorites]


mmmm protein.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 11:17 AM on August 9


now you're talking pasteurized process cheese food product extract.
posted by flabdablet at 11:26 AM on August 9 [1 favorite]


I just had a hamburger taco, which uses a corn tortilla instead of a bun and has salsa and lettuce as condiments

This is how literally every grilled food is approached in my house. Especially sausages, which wrap nicely.

When cheese is involved, it gets melted onto the tortilla, rather than the meat.

LPT: When ordering a mission-style burrito, have them put the cheese between the tortilla and the beans so it actually melts, and get the salsa/crema/whatever on the side.
posted by aspersioncast at 12:34 PM on August 9


I have a poorly-elaborated theory that the longer the government-approved name is, the less actual cheese is present.

However, to actually add some content, I'll mention that you can have as much of whatever cheese you like ladled over your burger...
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 7:45 PM on August 9


the longer the government-approved name is, the less actual cheese is present.

Artificial pasteurized process cheese food product extract essence has virtually none at all.
posted by flabdablet at 10:24 AM on August 11


There are only so many ways to assemble something with four ingredients and yet it appears we have barely scratched the surface!
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:50 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]


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