Hot Glazed Roe Nuts.

January 16, 2009 8:42 AM

Anti-choice group up in arms over Krispy Kreme's "abortion doughnuts"[sic] and [blech]. At least they're not supporting terrorists.

In related news, other giveaways on Inauguration Day include free waffles in Portland, free coffee (Oren's "Beans You Can Believe IN") in Manhattan, and a free Berry Obama frozen yogurt in Chicago. A scoop of Ben & Jerry's Yes Pecan will still cost you full price.
posted by ericbop (123 comments total)

If anti-choice is the opposite of pro-choice, is the opposite of pro-life pro-death?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:43 AM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

I hate Krispy Kreme donuts.

I might just have one to spite these hydrocephalics.
posted by mephron at 8:44 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

is it weird that i really want a donut now?
posted by JVA at 8:45 AM on January 16

mmmmm abortion.
posted by camdan at 8:46 AM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

Holy shit, people are stupid.
posted by mudpuppie at 8:48 AM on January 16 [19 favorites has favorites]

I think that the "Anti-choice group" should take up their next noble campaign and attack Burger King for allowing people the audacious option of having things THEIR way. Ridiculous!
posted by banannafish at 8:48 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wow. Apparently someone is having a free giveaway of stupid.
posted by threeturtles at 8:49 AM on January 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

Abortion donuts? Do they take them out of the oven with a coat hanger?
posted by bondcliff at 8:51 AM on January 16 [29 favorites has favorites]

I heard the American Life League also wants to rename the doughnuts as "Land PETAs."
posted by JohnFredra at 8:51 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

No choice for you!
posted by Mister_A at 8:53 AM on January 16

If anti-choice is the opposite of pro-choice, is the opposite of pro-life pro-death?

That's the point. By calling themselves "Pro-Life," anti-choice activists are implying that "Pro-Choice" supporters are not also pro-life. Many people do indeed choose other options besides abortion, and it is this right to choose any safe, legal option that the "Pro-Choice" movement supports. Can we go back to talking about the merits of various doughnuts now, please?
posted by ericbop at 8:54 AM on January 16

A misconstrued concept of 'choice' has killed over 50 million preborn children since Jan. 22, 1973

Excuse me while I go kill some more preborn children, if you know what I mean.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:54 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

That certainly makes Donut Holes less appetizing.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 8:55 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

"... is offering one free doughnut to every costumer on January 20, Inauguration day."


I'd offer them to cinematographers instead. The designers are always on diets.
posted by terranova at 8:55 AM on January 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

It's a terrible thing to have to wake up one day and realize that while you were sleeping the Stupid Fairy came and stuck his dick in your ear.

Someday, these people might be able to move beyond that terrible moment.

But until then, they deserve our pity.

And ridicule. Absolute, unrelenting ridicule.
posted by Lord_Pall at 8:55 AM on January 16 [28 favorites has favorites]

When you don't have to pay for things, it means you get no change.

How symbolic.
posted by Zambrano at 8:56 AM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

Has this doughnut got any fetus in it?

No. A bit. Four. Rather a lot actually.
posted by Mister_A at 8:56 AM on January 16 [18 favorites has favorites]

Do you know what this means? Screw constitutional amendments. Apparently, we can amend individual words to make the constitution mean whatever we want.
posted by debbie_ann at 8:58 AM on January 16

To further demonstrate their idiocy, The American Life League has also announced their plans to boycott the band Devo, school desegregation, and XML Schemas.
posted by turaho at 8:58 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Starbucks will give you free coffee if you pledge to join Obama's volunteer pledge.
posted by jourman2 at 8:58 AM on January 16

ericbop: Anti-choice group up in arms over Krispy Kreme's "abortion doughnuts"... In related news, other giveaways on Inauguration Day include

Holy crap, this is awesome. Free abortions for everybody!
posted by koeselitz at 8:59 AM on January 16

Abortion donuts? Tax-and-spend yogurt? Gun-control waffles? Socialized coffee?

Man, I am gonna get FAT on all this freedom.
posted by rokusan at 8:59 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

So you put the term "abortion doughnuts" in quotes and even followed it up with a [sic], but who actually used that term, other than the linked blog? From the article, it appears that neither Krispy Kreme nor American Life League called them by that name.
Anyway, the haters are losing now, so we should just enjoy our better lives and not get up in arms whenever some wacko takes offense to something harmless. I'd rather we just ignore them for at least four years.
posted by rocket88 at 8:59 AM on January 16

JohnFredra, I think you mean they want to rename doughnuts as "God's little miracles." It's not that they don't like donuts, they think all should be loved equally, even the unwanted ones.

And to escalate things a lot, check out their website. They're not just anti-choice, they're anti-sex for fun (or as they call it, "the natural consequences of abuse of sex"). I'm not sure if they think every sperm is sacred, but every egg is a life waiting to blossom. (If it happens to blossom into a family with insufficient means to care for this little bundle of joy, that's your own deal.)
posted by filthy light thief at 9:02 AM on January 16

Once again, reality out-parodies the Onion.

And yeah, I wish I liked Krispy Kreme more, I'd buy a dozen.

Abortion do-nuts, they make you go-nuts.
posted by emjaybee at 9:02 AM on January 16

I hate Krispy Kreme donuts.

You probably prefer cake doughnuts to glazed, and the Krispy Kreme cake doughnut is an inferior product to the Dunkin' Donut's cake doughnut. Granted.

But if you really mean that you don't like a hot, fresh, glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut, then you should seek medical attention, because someone has slapped the taste right out of your mouth.

Thank goodness for this thread -- I was casting about for a reason to go to Krispy Kreme, and the American Life League has conveniently provided one. I may write Planned Parenthood a check today, too. Thanks, crazy wingnuts! Now I can haz doughnuts!
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:03 AM on January 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

"Holy shit, people are stupid" is the new "Christ, what an asshole."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:03 AM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

The unfortunate reality of a post 'Roe v. Wade' America is that 'choice' is synonymous with abortion access, and celebration of 'freedom of choice' is a tacit endorsement of abortion rights on demand.

Also, due to Lopez v. Davis, 'beautiful flowers' is now synonymous with getting stabbed in the face with a lawn dart. We need to stop these activist judges from changing the meaning of the words that this country depends upon.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:03 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I so want to buy up all Krispy Kreme's stock now. But I think I'll stick with a free donut or two.
posted by misha at 9:05 AM on January 16

But if you really mean that you don't like a hot, fresh, glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut, then you should seek medical attention, because someone has slapped the taste right out of your mouth.

No, I just don't like the "glaze everything" approach. A doughnut that already has chocolate on top does not also need glazing on the rest of it. Glazing is sticky overkill. If I wanted pure sugar, I'd eat it out of a bag.
posted by emjaybee at 9:07 AM on January 16 [5 favorites has favorites]

Oh, I agree emjaybee! The rest of their products range from mediocre to sickeningly sweet, but the plain glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut fresh from the oil is a thing of surpassing wondrousness.

But Dunkin DOES have better coffee
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:11 AM on January 16

"The next time you stare down a conveyor belt of slow-moving, hot, sugary glazed donuts at your local Krispy Kreme, you just might be supporting [...] abortion on demand"

Thank you for proving to everyone that you are a moron. Seriously. Thank you.
posted by aapep at 9:12 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm with emjaybee. Love donuts, can't stand that sugary glazing. It's just not necessary.

So, uh, that's where I stand on this controversial issue and I respect BitterOldPunk's right to choose differently.
posted by slimepuppy at 9:15 AM on January 16

But wait, you're all missing a very important point. Read the article:

"Krispy Kreme, being the genial purveyor of glazed goodness that it is, decided to get in on the Obama inauguration craze and is offering one free doughnut to every costumer on January 20, Inauguration day, and released this seemingly innocuous press release..."

Dress up! You have to go in costume to get your donut.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:15 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Choosy Moms Choose Jif and are responsible for the deaths of a gabillion preborn. My priest told me so.
posted by allen.spaulding at 9:17 AM on January 16

No, I just don't like the "glaze everything" approach. A doughnut that already has chocolate on top does not also need glazing on the rest of it. Glazing is sticky overkill. If I wanted pure sugar, I'd eat it out of a bag.

Friend of a friend, etc., used to work at a Krispy Kreme when a customer asked her if she wouldn't mind running her order back through the glaze waterfall. FoF gently refused, in part, due to the apparent, er, health choices that this customer had made. The customer thanked her and left without ordering.
posted by odinsdream at 9:19 AM on January 16

Haven't had a Krispy Kreme in forever. But that's okay, since Dynamo Donuts offers maple bacon donuts, and they're right up the street from me.
posted by rtha at 9:21 AM on January 16

Whenever I eat a Krispy Kreme I need a morning after pill. Get rid of that doughnut regret.

Why is it doughnut and donuts. I dunno?
posted by pianomover at 9:22 AM on January 16

What the fuck is "pre-born," anyway? I know what "pre-owned" is if I am buying a car... but pre-born? Already been born. Well, that would be me.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:22 AM on January 16

Free money and free happiness for all ))

'And Justice For All' (c)
posted by Leo Golan at 9:22 AM on January 16

ericbop: That's the point. By calling themselves "Pro-Life," anti-choice activists are implying that "Pro-Choice" supporters are not also pro-life. Many people do indeed choose other options besides abortion, and it is this right to choose any safe, legal option that the "Pro-Choice" movement supports. Can we go back to talking about the merits of various doughnuts now, please?

Wait, wait, wait. I mean, I'm on your side of the aisle and all, but isn't it blindingly obvious that this little war of words is the fault of both sides? I mean, do you really think that all of those 'pro-lifers' hate being able to choose whether they have cream with their coffee, or what type of simpy kristian rock they listen to, or whatever? They're not any more 'anti-choice' than you are 'anti-life;' those are just stupid propaganda-terms that have nothing to do with the issues at hand.

From now on, I will identify myself as someone who believes that abortion should be legal by calling myself 'pro-zombie,' and invite former 'pro-lifers' to refer to themselves as 'anti-zombie.' I wholeheartedly believe that this will actually make the debate more meaningful, if only because it'll do away with those stupid terms that nobody believes anyway.
posted by koeselitz at 9:23 AM on January 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

Do they take them out of the oven with a coat hanger?

No, but we'll be back to conducting abortions in that fashion if the American Life League have their way.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:24 AM on January 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

That's awesome. I think the problem is that the anti-abortion fucks have these little secret buzz words that Dubya used all the time so they think everyone else has secret little words for their cause.
posted by zzazazz at 9:25 AM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

What the fuck is "pre-born," anyway? I know what "pre-owned" is if I am buying a car... but pre-born? Already been born. Well, that would be me.

What the fuck is "born again?"
posted by pianomover at 9:25 AM on January 16

Well, to be fair they are fried in the rendered fat of the unborn.
posted by Pollomacho at 9:27 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Abortion is funny.
posted by pianomover at 9:30 AM on January 16

Goddam it. I would have to climb onto my bike and pedal at least 3-4 miles to get a donut, and I WANT A DONUT. Also: Pretty entertaining pro-life stupids.
posted by everichon at 9:31 AM on January 16

I heard the American Life League also wants to rename the doughnuts as "Land PETAs."

IT IS NOT A FETUS.

It is a womb kitten.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:38 AM on January 16 [18 favorites has favorites]

Two "OMG stoopid anti-environmentalist!" posts followed by a "OMG stoopid anti-choice!" post. We need to be careful or we'll exceed our quota. (Not that its our fault the stupidity is exceeding its own quota.)
posted by cimbrog at 9:40 AM on January 16

I. am. PISSING. myself. (via the laughter. Not because of early bladder control failure). Are these people seriously going to issue a press release every time someone uses the words "Obama" and "choice" together? If so, please start writing long articles about every visit Obama makes to a buffet. This will be great.

Also, today is donut day at work and I'm eating a fritter the size of my head.
posted by GuyZero at 9:44 AM on January 16

What the fuck is "pre-born," anyway? I know what "pre-owned" is if I am buying a car... but pre-born? Already been born. Well, that would be me.

It's a donut born with the memories of all the other donuts that have ever lived. Eventually the accumulated trauma of its many, many trips through the Glaze Waterfall causes it to go insane and throw itself out of the drive-through window.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 9:54 AM on January 16 [9 favorites has favorites]

Okay, I had to read the press release three times before I had any idea what the American Life League was talking about. I kept thinking that they were up in arms about the phrase "doughnut of choice," which was completely fucking hilarious.

Now I understand that the complaint is over "freedom of choice," which is just predictably stupid.
posted by roll truck roll at 9:56 AM on January 16

I'm with emjaybee. Love donuts, can't stand that sugary glazing. It's just not necessary.

Not necessary? Doughnuts are not utilitarian.

I have a fondness for KK doughnuts because I grew up in the South and they were a staple but I never really understood how they became a nationwide craze -- I still like the basic glazed and the devil's food but other than that there are many other doughnuts I like more.

That said, getting KK when the light is on is the my personal choice for best doughnut experience.
posted by camcgee at 9:59 AM on January 16

Pshaw. Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland have a REAL abortion doughnut.
posted by Laen at 10:01 AM on January 16

Mommy nicht Kill Me! Ich bin ein Berliner!!
posted by pyramid termite at 10:02 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Pre-born: Fetus.
Born: Baby.
Post-born: Living human.
Double-born: Human who has been 'born again.'
Pre-dead: Living human.
Dead: Dead human.
Post-dead: Human who has been dead a long time.
Undead: Zombie.

Hence

Post-double-born post-dead undead: Kristian zombie.
posted by koeselitz at 10:02 AM on January 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

That said, getting KK when the light is on is the my personal choice for best doughnut experience.

I'd be careful throwing that word "choice" around so lightly. You see what happened to Krispy Kreme.

This is what jumped out at me the most:

"The unfortunate reality of a post Roe v. Wade America is that 'choice' is synonymous with abortion access"

Really. I don't know about you but "abortion access" is not the first thing I think of when I hear the word "choice". I think of, y'know, choosing something.
posted by hallowdmachine at 10:06 AM on January 16

Also, my favorite Krispy Kreme event has to be during their IPO when almost without fail you could turn on the TV and see everyone stuffing their faces with doughnuts... half-opened boxes strewn around the studio, sugar flakes all over the place. Hilarious.
posted by odinsdream at 10:13 AM on January 16

The American Life League is either a software agent trained to search for the word "choice" and auto-generate a press release for every occurrence, or it's a sub rosa pro-choice group determined to make pro-lifers look like lunatics.
posted by ook at 10:14 AM on January 16

rocket88: So you put the term "abortion doughnuts" in quotes and even followed it up with a [sic], but who actually used that term, other than the linked blog?

Presumably you haven't commented again because you visited www.all.org (American Life League's home page, who don't deserve a link) and scrolled halfway to the Pro-Life News Stream where you can clearly see the KRISPY KREME CELEBRATES OBAMA WITH PRO-ABORTION DOUGHNUTS headline. Right? Pretty smart, to STFU when you realize you're wrong.
posted by waraw at 10:14 AM on January 16

I actually had a hard time seeing why in the hell these were "abortion donuts" instead of "happy that Commander fawktard isn't in power anymore" donuts? Then I noticed it says Doughnut of "Choice". Maybe my wacko religious skills are getting rusty but when I read that I didn't think "Pro-Choice Donuts??!?!!!!" OH FAWK this! I mean I see plenty of coupons with your "Choice" of on them. Does this mean that those are Pro-Choice coupons? I really wish these pro-life idiots would quit giving us religious types a bad name.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 10:17 AM on January 16

In rocket88's defense, I have two entirely different mental images of "abortion doughnuts" and "pro-abortion donuts." I also expected to see someone call them "abortion doughnuts" somewhere.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:22 AM on January 16

Put me on the side against Krispy Kreme. I liked warm, glazed donuts, but KK is just too sweet. Makes me sick. And the Krispy Kreme vs Dunkin debate is sad. They both suck. Shipley's Donuts all the way.
posted by threeturtles at 10:25 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

File this under "Overreactionary Wing Nuts" and another attempt of conservatives to redefine words

Yes, that's how I'd categorize this too.
posted by orange swan at 10:26 AM on January 16

Remeber those "I had an abortion" t-shirts? Now, your shirt can say "I had a Krispy Kreme doughnut!" and it's EXACTLY THE SAME.

I am going to be giggling all day.
posted by emjaybee at 10:29 AM on January 16

This is an incredible conundrum. The right-wing basement-dwellers are already boycotting Dunkin Donuts because Rachel Ray secretly supports Palestinian terrorists, and now Krispy Kreme secret supports abortion on demand. If they can't buy donuts from Krispy Kreme or Dunkin' Donuts now, whatever are they going to masturbate into?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 10:31 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

When extremists need to make arguments not even The Onion could dream up, it is a very good sign.

Coming up next: Anti-gay rights group wants the theme from The Flintstones banned from public broadcast.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:33 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just checked and, thankfully, choice still means, well, er, choice in the rest of the world.

Choice = abortion is just rubbish. Get your new boss man to sort it out asap please American types.
posted by the_very_hungry_caterpillar at 10:37 AM on January 16

"Krispy Kreme's 'abortion doughnuts'"

Clearly the result of someone taking a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
posted by Johnny Porno at 10:37 AM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

They're not any more 'anti-choice' than you are 'anti-life;' those are just stupid propaganda-terms that have nothing to do with the issues at hand.

They've decided an advertisement for doughnuts which uses the word "choice" more than once means KK is pro-abortion. Seeing as how it's just this single word that leads them to their conclusion, I'd say that makes them pretty solidly anti-choice.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:40 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Anti-choice group up in arms over Krispy Kreme's "abortion doughnuts"

Do they squirt placental jelly?
posted by jonp72 at 10:43 AM on January 16

Am I the only who is disappointed that there are no abortion donuts? I thought that was awesome and would totally have gotten one, even though I hate Krispy Kreme.
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:48 AM on January 16

What the fuck is "pre-born," anyway? I know what "pre-owned" is if I am buying a car... but pre-born? Already been born. Well, that would be me.

What the fuck is "born again?"

I'm happy to say that I'm pre-born again. And my food of choice is Krispy Kreme doughnuts!
posted by cjets at 10:53 AM on January 16

This is an incredible conundrum. The right-wing basement-dwellers are already boycotting Dunkin Donuts because Rachel Ray secretly supports Palestinian terrorists, and now Krispy Kreme secret supports abortion on demand. If they can't buy donuts from Krispy Kreme or Dunkin' Donuts now, whatever are they going to masturbate into?

Oh no. This can only lead to them crossing the border to pick up some Timbits! [runs around screaming] Look, Yanks, if you can't keep your crazy right wingers home where they belong, THERE'LL BE NO TIM HORTONS FOR ANY OF YOU.
posted by orange swan at 10:54 AM on January 16

What the fuck is "pre-born," anyway?

Ha, I answered this several years ago.
posted by MrBobaFett at 10:55 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you happen to be a soul lucky enough to live near one of the production Krispy Kremes, where they have the "hot light" and you can stand and watch as the freshly made donuts do their aerobatics on their way to being pulled off the assembly line and placed in your box, you'll occasionally see a malformed donut that gets stuck under the fountain of glaze. Among my friends there is a competition to see who will be the first to actually convince the clerk on duty to sell us one of these unwanted donuts. Because of the KK's high quality standards we have yet to obtain one if these "abortions." I must commend the workers for obeying this policy to the letter as no amount of pleading, begging or bribery has worked. They are all presumably destroyed and only the pure and strong are handed out.

Your post briefly raised my hopes that I would finally be able to win this competition. So add me to list of those disappointed that I won't be able to buy one of these "abortion donuts."
posted by 1f2frfbf at 11:01 AM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

I was just thinking to myself "I don't know what an abortion doughnut is, but it should probably be cherry-filled". Then I decided that I had crossed a line, and actually grossed myself out.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:05 AM on January 16

Is it wrong that I was hoping that the "abortion donuts" would be covered in raspberry jam?
posted by vibrotronica at 11:09 AM on January 16

Guy_Inamonkeysuit writes "Dress up! You have to go in costume to get your donut."

No, I think you just have to put others in costume, if I understand the terminology correctly.
posted by krinklyfig at 11:10 AM on January 16

Clearly the result of someone taking a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

They'd better be married to that doughnut.
posted by hallowdmachine at 11:12 AM on January 16

XQUZYPHYR writes "This is an incredible conundrum. The right-wing basement-dwellers are already boycotting Dunkin Donuts because Rachel Ray secretly supports Palestinian terrorists, and now Krispy Kreme secret supports abortion on demand. If they can't buy donuts from Krispy Kreme or Dunkin' Donuts now, whatever are they going to masturbate into?"

Winchell's?

Better than Dunkin Donuts ...
posted by krinklyfig at 11:12 AM on January 16

OMFG I love WInchell's - but they don't have any stores here any more.
posted by Johnny Porno at 11:13 AM on January 16

koeselitz writes "They're not any more 'anti-choice' than you are 'anti-life;' those are just stupid propaganda-terms that have nothing to do with the issues at hand."

Yeah, but pick your battles. The odds that Krispy Kreme meant to imply 'abortion' when they used the word 'choice' are hovering around zero.
posted by krinklyfig at 11:14 AM on January 16

Don't worry, orange swan. There are several Tim Hortons in Ohio and PA, and at least one in WV.
posted by pernoctalian at 11:17 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Presumably you haven't commented again because you visited www.all.org (American Life League's home page, who don't deserve a link) and scrolled halfway...

waraw: God, no. Why would I want to visit their website? I just didn't see the term in the ALL press release quoted on the linked page, but if they did use it then point taken.
posted by rocket88 at 11:19 AM on January 16

Don't forget the coffee to go along with your donut.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 11:20 AM on January 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

Say what you will about the pro-life side, they are genius at public relations. That's what this is. I don't really think they really think anyone will really think this is what they really think.

And have you ever tried to learn anything about the Freedom of Choice Act using, you know, the internet? They've basically shut down Google on abortion issues. They're doing something right, although "respecting the separation of church and state" is not that thing.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 11:22 AM on January 16

Post-double-born post-dead undead: Kristian zombie.

Thanks a lot. Now I'll have My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult's "Christian Zombie Vampire" verse going through my head the rest of the day.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:34 AM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hmm, I don't care for donuts. I think I'll just have a nice cookie instead.
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:37 AM on January 16

Oh no. This can only lead to them crossing the border to pick up some Timbits! [runs around screaming]

We have Timmy'ses in the northeast / Great Lakes states.

I don't think we have Country Styleses though.

And since I'd really rather keep the mouthbreathing fundy contingent here in WNY as low as I can, let me just say that Country Style has the world's greatest doughnuts, and also that they love Jesus at Country Style, and that 7000% of every sale goes towards keeping the homosexuals, abortionists, and race-mixers from destroying civilization. Bring driver's license and birth cert.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:46 AM on January 16

stupidsexyFlanders writes "And have you ever tried to learn anything about the Freedom of Choice Act using, you know, the internet? They've basically shut down Google on abortion issues."

Uh ... Well, I don't seem to have any problem with that. Brings up Wikipedia first, then the government Thomas site, then prochoiceamerica.org, then nrlc.org. Was there any indication that the search results were being gamed? Doesn't look like that now.
posted by krinklyfig at 11:58 AM on January 16

First they came for the donuts, but I didn't speak up because we didn't have a Krispy Kreme in our town...

Oh, fuck it.
posted by tippiedog at 12:00 PM on January 16

So, d'you think Ted Nugent likes doughnuts?
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:04 PM on January 16

Ahhh yes, the American Life League. Somebody from the outside might get the impression that they have a nice office somewhere, in some glass box office building in Northern Virginia.

This is not the case. My brother-in-law used to work for the couple that run it. The husband runs (or at least used to run, I haven't checked) a print shop in Stafford County, and his wife runs the A.L.L. out of a basement office in their house.
posted by smoothvirus at 12:15 PM on January 16

From the article comments:

"Life begins at confection"

Almost fell out of my chair.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 12:18 PM on January 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

smoothvirus: Ahhh yes, the American Life League. Somebody from the outside might get the impression that they have a nice office somewhere, in some glass box office building in Northern Virginia.

I've always suspected that the business model for these kinds of operations involves creating some manufactured weekly outrage to get people looking at the "DONATE" button. It's cognitive spam trying to invent something that church ladies will chainmail forward and get clicks to the site.

I think the Catholic League operates the same way except that Donohue is much more successful at turning trivia into television news appearances. The last I heard he got airtime for complaining that a municipality displayed a Christmas tree rather than a creche. But his stunt over caganers is perhaps the best example of him dishing up outrage for the sake of outrage.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 12:58 PM on January 16

Now I understand that the complaint is over 'freedom of choice,' which is just predictably stupid.

I bet those people hated Gino's. And Trainspotting.
posted by kirkaracha at 1:01 PM on January 16

Cringed thinking that Krispy Kreme jelly donuts had been turned into something looking like an abortion surgery. Such a relief that isn't true.

And then a sort of hilarity-horror combo realizing that the fundie nutjobs glommed onto the word choice and polluted it with their obsessive fear agenda. Yes, they deserve ridicule.

And how nice of Krisy Kreme to honor Obama's presidency with free donuts. YAY Krispy Kreme!
posted by nickyskye at 1:06 PM on January 16

The American Life League is either a software agent trained to search for the word "choice" and auto-generate a press release for every occurrence, or it's a sub rosa pro-choice group determined to make pro-lifers look like lunatics.

I immediately thought of the Yes Men myself, but the ALL seems to be real. Apparently, it seems to be against ALL birth control. How ridiculous. Here is the argument against condoms. Apparently, because condoms fail sometimes, you should never use them. Durrrrrrr.

Haven't had a Krispy Kreme in forever. But that's okay, since Dynamo Donuts offers maple bacon donuts, and they're right up the street from me.

Sure, maybe if you're the Prince of San Francisco. 1 Dynamo donut costs about as much as a dozen Krispy Kremes ($3), at least from what I remember. I haven't had KK in years, since I learned they were loaded with transfat.

I go to Bob's Donuts, where the donuts are a reasonable price (~$1) and they're all made with sweet, sweet lard (which is probably hydrogenated and full of transfat as well ...)

If you happen to be a soul lucky enough to live near one of the production Krispy Kremes, where they have the "hot light" and you can stand and watch as the freshly made donuts do their aerobatics on their way to being pulled off the assembly line and placed in your box, you'll occasionally see a malformed donut that gets stuck under the fountain of glaze. Among my friends there is a competition to see who will be the first to actually convince the clerk on duty to sell us one of these unwanted donuts.

Really?! In Louisville, the nice old ladies there used to give them to us for free (this was back in the '80s). They'd even give us the well-formed ones that dropped on the floor, or even better, the long ones (pre-stuffed) as tasters. Oh how times change ...
posted by mrgrimm at 1:16 PM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

"What the fuck is "born again?"

It means putting your faith in a book that was cobbled together by a british monarch rather than using the brain that God gave you.
posted by 2sheets at 1:44 PM on January 16

"President-elect Barack Obama promises to be the most virulently pro-abortion president in history."

I wish....
posted by aapep at 1:52 PM on January 16

Good job, 2sheets!
posted by roll truck roll at 1:53 PM on January 16

Sure, maybe if you're the Prince of San Francisco. 1 Dynamo donut costs about as much as a dozen Krispy Kremes ($3), at least from what I remember.

Yes, yes it does. And it's full of maple-bacon-y goodness. It's a really good thing that their donuts are so damn expensive, because it keeps me from eating them more than a few times a month. Now, if I had a regular-price donut shop that close to me? I'd be doomed.
posted by rtha at 1:56 PM on January 16

I hope Krispy Kreme sends out this press release: "Thank you for expressing your concerns. We assure you there are no coded political messages in any of our press releases. We have no plans to abort our Inauguration Day deal, though we reserve the right to at any time."
posted by naju at 1:59 PM on January 16 [5 favorites has favorites]

Krispy Kremes are still the best doughnuts to use when making a Luther Burger. I tried using powdered jellies once and believe me, that wasn't pretty.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:01 PM on January 16

I was once approached in a shopping mall by some zealot who asked if I'd been born again.

My response was that, no, thanks, I got it right the first time.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:00 PM on January 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hey koeselitz, can I get a post-double-born pre-dead half-caf, no whip, and a fundamentalist nutjob to go?

Only from Kristian Kreme.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:40 PM on January 16

BOP, was that in the 70s?
posted by small_ruminant at 3:54 PM on January 16

I haven't had KK in years, since I learned they were loaded with transfat.

Their doughnuts are now trans-fat free.
posted by camcgee at 5:08 PM on January 16

This thread needs more cortex.
posted by desjardins at 5:37 PM on January 16

Their doughnuts are now trans-fat free.

Huzzah! If the closest hot donuts weren't in Colma, I'd stop on my way home. Perhaps the next time I journey down to Target and get lucky enough to see the sign on...
posted by mrgrimm at 7:07 PM on January 16

Let them go stale for a day, put some butter on, place in toaster oven. OM NOM NOM.
posted by zengargoyle at 7:24 PM on January 16

My campus makes a point of selling Krispy Kremes in our student union, but...they're cold. Everything I've heard suggests that serving Krispy Kremes cold entirely misses the point. Luckily, we've got a Tim Horton's in the area, so all is not lost if anyone has donut cravings.
posted by thomas j wise at 8:30 PM on January 16

jeez. Every time my eyes skim over "The American Life League" in this thread, my gut reaction is "damn, Ira Glass has gone batty."
posted by Lou Stuells at 2:52 AM on January 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Tim Horton's. Tim Horton's. Tim HORTON'S. TIM HORTON'S!

TIM
MOTHERFUCKING
HORTON'S
posted by tehloki at 4:16 AM on January 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Damn. Now it has lost all meaning. I want a doughnut and I don't know where to go.
posted by tehloki at 4:17 AM on January 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hey, I just realized that there's an "ugh" in "doughnut".
posted by tehloki at 4:18 AM on January 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

sorry, i've never had coffee before. how do you people get anything done like this? i'm vibrating. i think i may fall out of my chair.
posted by tehloki at 4:18 AM on January 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

sorry, i've never had coffee before. how do you people get anything done like this? i'm vibrating. i think i may fall out of my chair.

The key is to pace yourself. For every cup of coffee, eat 3 doughnuts.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:27 AM on January 17

"We are grateful to Krispy Kreme executives who realized the inappropriate use of the phrase "freedom of choice" and have changed their announcement."
posted by CunningLinguist at 12:33 PM on January 18

Amazing that ALL is able to claim some sort of victory from this. Because here's Krispy Kreme's new statement:

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts’ Inauguration Day promotion on Tuesday, January 20, 2009, is offering one, free doughnut of a customer’s choice at participating Krispy Kreme locations nationwide. No purchase is necessary. The promotion allows customers to commemorate Inauguration Day by selecting one free doughnut of any variety at local participating stores. On Election Day, November 4, 2008, Krispy Kreme ran a promotion that provided customers with one free star-shaped doughnut at stores nationwide. The Inauguration Day promotion is not about any social or political issue.

Compared to the original press release:

"Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc. (NYSE: KKD) is honoring American's sense of pride and freedom of choice on Inauguration Day, by offering a free doughnut of choice to every customer on this historic day, Jan. 20. By doing so, participating Krispy Kreme stores nationwide are making an oath to tasty goodies -- just another reminder of how oh-so-sweet 'free' can be."

So basically, KK didn't even remove "choice" from the promo, and went so far as to add "Yeah, we're not pushing anyone's political agenda in a doughnut giveaway, by the by". They did, I notice, remove the word "pride". Presumable because ALL has now cornered the market on it.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:42 PM on January 18

Yeah but they are no longer hawking one of those satanic, baby-killing "doughnuts of choice." Now they are only handing out "doughnuts of a customer’s choice."

SUCH a difference. Whew.
posted by CunningLinguist at 2:07 PM on January 18

Yeah, it is a little irksome that Krispy Kreme would buckle to such an absolutely asanine campaign, even in a minor, backhanded fashion. It reminds me of that Malkin/Rachael Ray circus. Things like this only encourage other crazies to engage in the same inane bullying.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:10 PM on January 18