Eeeeeeeeeeee...

November 17, 2010 8:09 PM

Dogs don't understand basic concepts like moving: The adventures of simple dog and helper dog.

From Hyperbole and a Half (previously on Metafilter)

posted by emilyd22222 (96 comments total)

I'm quite a fan of H and 1/2.
posted by k8t at 8:15 PM on November 17, 2010

This is one of the best ones she's done, and she's done a lot of brilliant ones.
posted by Rory Marinich at 8:17 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]

The ending is a bit of a tease.
posted by codacorolla at 8:18 PM on November 17, 2010

I read that and immediately thought "I wish it was okay to post every update here on metafilter, because then funny people would talk about funny thing and it would be funnier. but it's probably not, because other people would complain"

Then I came here, and viola! A post. I hope it doesn't get deleted. Because I like funny thing.
posted by flaterik at 8:21 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]

I look forward to the front page of Metafilter essentially being an RSS feed reader for Hyperboleandahalf.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 8:22 PM on November 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

I has crying now! Crying from laughing.
posted by sweetkid at 8:22 PM on November 17, 2010 [9 favorites]

Then I came here, and viola!

Then I came here, and cello!
posted by shakespeherian at 8:25 PM on November 17, 2010 [34 favorites]

I love that website so fucking much.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:25 PM on November 17, 2010

I wish I had something witty to say, but I just want to express my deep enthusiasm for this.
posted by you're a kitty! at 8:26 PM on November 17, 2010

you know, she's really got something going on here
posted by pyramid termite at 8:31 PM on November 17, 2010

I hate you, diacritics and transposed letters.

(I really did think "huh it's funny that there's only an accent difference between those words, but I'm too lazy to make the right letter on my distinctly american keyboard." Guess it's not. Dammit.)
posted by flaterik at 8:32 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Amazing. Love it. Love her.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:35 PM on November 17, 2010

Worth it for the illustration "stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins." alone...
posted by HuronBob at 8:36 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]

Then I came here, and cello!

Y'see, is like a cello puddin' pop!
posted by mannequito at 8:42 PM on November 17, 2010

The last time (that I know) someone posted here, it was HILARIOUS to me. And, despite everyone's protests that everyone knew about the site and it was old hat to post it here, I'd never seen it, so I'm happy to see the update.

Of course, I posted a thank you comment in that thread, and it never showed up because it was unceremoniously closed as I wrote it. So I suspect the same thing will happen here as I write this. Let's find out.
posted by davejay at 8:46 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

\o/
posted by davejay at 8:46 PM on November 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

PARP!
posted by sara is disenchanted at 8:50 PM on November 17, 2010 [16 favorites]

GOAL
posted by davejay at 8:52 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

I've been following Allie both on Twitter and her website for a good bit of time and she's one extremely talented young lady. Sadly, I think she feels the pressure to perform and produce content that is just as awesome as the last thing. Luckily, she seems to do it everytime.

Also? Her simple dog looks very much like my own simple dog and makes me giggle like a five year old hopped up on sugar every time.
posted by teleri025 at 8:58 PM on November 17, 2010

I can't describe how much I love this.

Ours are helper dog, simple dog, and dominator/keep everyone else in line by barking loudly and chasing dog.
posted by blucevalo at 9:00 PM on November 17, 2010

The original dog IQ test post was forwarded around my workplace a few months ago and there are still a half dozen dogs eying blankets with suspicion in this town.
posted by fshgrl at 9:01 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

oh man, that was great.

Unfortunately it lacks the perfect grammar cluster bomb of this completely unrelated dog story:
http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/for/2044724393.html
posted by oblio_one at 9:02 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

I like her stuff, and it usually makes me laugh. But I'm willing to risk being the asshole here and suggest that her sentences need some tightening. This one ...

When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed.

this one ...

I could tell that she knew because she becomes extremely melodramatic when faced with even a trivial amount of uncertainty.

and this one ...

She started following me everywhere, pausing every so often to flop to the ground in an exaggeratedly morose fashion - because maybe that would make me realize how selfish I was being by continuing to pack despite her obvious emotional discomfort.

...make me cringe. They distract from her drawings, which are really cute and funny. And her metaphors like "running from lava in swim fins" are really special, in a really good way.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm bringing some baggage to this, too. I've been reading and rereading Strunk & White lately, and they're just right. This kind of verbiage gets in the way of some really good stuff for me, is all I'm saying. I'm not saying THIS SUCKS BECAUSE OF GRAMMAR by a long shot. Just that tighter sentence-craft would make her stories sail more smoothly and the drawings jump out even more.

I'm also a bitter, frustrated writer and editor myself, so let me spare anyone the energy of pointing that out.
posted by chinese_fashion at 9:04 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

oblio_one: "Unfortunately it lacks the perfect grammar cluster bomb of this completely unrelated dog story:
http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/for/2044724393.html"

Reminds me of the latest entry in another Mefi favorite. ARMY CHIHUAHUA!
posted by Rhaomi at 9:05 PM on November 17, 2010

Strunk and White are overrated. It must be said.
posted by blucevalo at 9:09 PM on November 17, 2010 [11 favorites]

I read it aloud to my wife, holding up the laptop to show the cartoons, causing her to collapse with giggles. One could write something similar about our american long haired scardy-cat.
posted by sfred at 9:11 PM on November 17, 2010

So, about dog booties... are they always so traumatizing? Because they seem to be always a cause for dog psychodrama based hilarity.
posted by thusspakeparanoia at 9:11 PM on November 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

That lady can sure write dumb dogs better than just about anyone else!
posted by troublewithwolves at 9:14 PM on November 17, 2010

Well, Strunk is. If anything, White is underrated. I mean, sure, Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little, yes, but when's the last time you saw a copy of Is Sex Necessary, the book he did with James Thurber?
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:14 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Never saw this site before. Do I live in a cave? Maybe I am simple dog. Or even simpler dog. I thought that was a terrific story. I will spend my night going through the site. Thanks.
posted by AugustWest at 9:14 PM on November 17, 2010

heh...yeah, my wife went into giggles with the barfing dog, with no backstory or context... sick...
posted by HuronBob at 9:17 PM on November 17, 2010

So, about dog booties... are they always so yt traumatizing?

My working theory is that the dog thinks it's walking in mud or something else soft because they can't feel their feet against the ground, which is why they all high-step to get out of the mud they are sure is there.
posted by mightygodking at 9:19 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

I find much of the internets amusing but rarely truly laugh out loud funny.

This had me in stitches.
posted by thecjm at 9:20 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

I love dogs. They drive themselves mad in their attempts to be part of the world of humans. They're everything we are, at least when it comes to emotions, but a million times more intensely. They're God's own beautiful neurotics.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:22 PM on November 17, 2010 [15 favorites]

I've spent the last ten minutes watching Youtube videos of dogs walking in booties and I am dying.
posted by emelenjr at 9:23 PM on November 17, 2010 [14 favorites]

My beloved greyhound was a helper dog. Whenever we moved I had to trank her for a month - two weeks before and two weeks after the move. If I didn't she would have a nervous breakdown. She also made the eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sound of simple dog.

I laughed at this post until I cried.
posted by winna at 9:26 PM on November 17, 2010

BY THE POWER OF POUTINE I COMMAND YOU TO WALK!
posted by maudlin at 9:28 PM on November 17, 2010 [38 favorites]

Oh dear God, maudlin. When that dog actually tries to walk ...
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:31 PM on November 17, 2010

They drive themselves mad in their attempts to be part of the world of humans. They're everything we are, at least when it comes to emotions, but a million times more intensely. They're God's own beautiful neurotics.

Not to get morose, but Wolves don't act that way. Dogs have been bread over thousands of years to act that way because it's cuter.
posted by delmoi at 9:42 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wow, the illustrations are hysterical! I've seen hyperboleandahalf before, but this entry was ten times funnier than any of the others I've seen. The hotel-bed/eeeeeee scene is a riot.

Doesn't need Strunk and White, either. Not everything is improved by pretending to be Hemingway.
posted by vorfeed at 9:44 PM on November 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

This is hilarious. I laughed all the way through it and I'm sure I'm not alone.
posted by arnicae at 9:44 PM on November 17, 2010

I have a dog that makes that high-pitched keening every time we're in a car driving away from home, but never headed back.

My now-deceased Bjorkie (Bijon-Yorkie mix) handled a move from Chicago to Los Angeles quite well. Of course, it involved a plane, and he was sedated for the trip. The entire flight, he sat in his carrier underneath the seat, raising his head once in a while to look around in a glassy-eyed stupor, then going back to sleep. The one exception: every time the bell rang in the passenger compartment, he barked, once. Then everyone would try to figure out where the dog was, looking around above the seatbacks.

Ding! Woof. [necks craning] Ding! Woof. [necks craning]

It was a fun flight. When we got off, he just looked around like "whatever" and kept on keepin' on.
posted by davejay at 9:46 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]

Hehehehehe.

Dogs.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:47 PM on November 17, 2010

Holy cats in a catsack, this here link is hilarious and dog IQ link even more so. Thank you for sharing this.
posted by Joey Michaels at 9:49 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

eep

I love her work. It makes me all laughyweepy.
posted by device55 at 9:50 PM on November 17, 2010

Well, my dog just loafs around all day.
posted by carping demon at 9:51 PM on November 17, 2010

I've been reading and rereading Strunk & White lately, and they're just right.

No they're not.

Also, the doggies were funny.
posted by mmoncur at 9:52 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

hahahah they put an outside animal in a house and then a car and then another house hahahahah stupid dogs
posted by mhjb at 9:55 PM on November 17, 2010

Well, Strunk is. If anything, White is underrated.

Let me rephrase that -- I mean Elements of Style is overrated, not the individuals who wrote it. EB White is a damn fantastic essayist. I will also go out on a limb and say that some of White's flowery prose violates some of the principles of Elements of Style (God forbid), including the injunction to "omit needless words."
posted by blucevalo at 9:57 PM on November 17, 2010

maudlin, i am dying here.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 10:01 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Cake is the only thing that matters.
posted by fantodstic at 10:13 PM on November 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

Oh man, I love that H&1/2, and do not mind one bit when it's posted here.
posted by lekvar at 10:17 PM on November 17, 2010

My own favorite is "How a Fish Nearly Destroyed My Childhood," which is hilarious while also being quite disturbing.
posted by JHarris at 10:37 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]

PARP! has become standard vocabulary in our household.
Now I want to add "We r sound-making buddies!"
posted by bibliowench at 10:51 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]

I was not expecting languagehat to be on that NYTimes blog. Neat!
posted by Rory Marinich at 11:06 PM on November 17, 2010

This woman is really rockin', just way too much fun. I've laughed -- no, really, laughed out loud -- every time I've read her site.

I've got about every ad blocker there is on my browser (firefox) and actually WANT to see the ads on her site, if that will put money in her pocket. And I HATE ads, ads are LOATHSOME and stuff. But I'd like to support this site, I'd love to put some bread in her hand. I first came across her linked off of Movin' Meat, which in fact is another site I'd like to support....
posted by dancestoblue at 11:58 PM on November 17, 2010

But I'm willing to risk being the asshole here and suggest that her sentences need some tightening.

NOOOOOO! I love her exactly as she is! Her hyperbole (and a half!) is the perfectly perfectly perfect amount of hyperbole!
posted by taz at 12:42 AM on November 18, 2010 [4 favorites]

I don't think Hyperbole And A Half would be Hyperbole And A Half if she "tightened" her prose into the classic essayist style. H & 1/2 is not Dorothy Parker, and that's precisely what I love about her (much love to Dorothy, though, but still).
posted by Sara C. at 1:34 AM on November 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm surprised that reading this made me want to get a dog more, but there it is. I want a dog.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:17 AM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]

Without hyperbole we'd all be dead.
posted by flaterik at 2:59 AM on November 18, 2010 [12 favorites]

In my head, Allie's Boyfriend is actually davesecretary, and they spend every day telling each other all their crazy and hilarious stories about their respective childhoods...she in pictures and he yelling.
posted by joan cusack the second at 3:24 AM on November 18, 2010 [10 favorites]

I can't read this right now because I know I will start laughing at some point and I'm reading the morning webs on my phone and my hysterical laughing would wake my sleeping boyfriend.

It's kind of nice to have something that makes me laugh like her stuff does. I have to stop thinking about the one where she had oral surgery as a kid or I will start laughing.
posted by sio42 at 4:05 AM on November 18, 2010 [4 favorites]

Never before have I seen the facial expressions of dogs captured so perfectly.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:10 AM on November 18, 2010 [9 favorites]

I'm the rare soul who isn't a H&1/2 fan (really dislike the art style), but this one was pretty funny, probably the moreso because I moved yesterday with two cats.
posted by immlass at 5:23 AM on November 18, 2010

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
posted by sonika at 5:44 AM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

I MADE FOOD! I'M MAGICAL!
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:57 AM on November 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'd only seen her stick-figure hyperbole humans - I had no idea she could draw dogs so beautifully realistically and caricatured at the same time.

Yay dogs!

When in this thread does it become acceptable to post pictures of our own cute dogs?
posted by moonmilk at 6:06 AM on November 18, 2010

Is it now?
posted by minifigs at 6:14 AM on November 18, 2010

clean all the things?
posted by Ritchie at 6:24 AM on November 18, 2010 [14 favorites]

My fellow cubicle dwellers were wondering what I was laughing at.
posted by tommasz at 6:28 AM on November 18, 2010

Five years ago, we moved with our dogs. They generally thought it was YAY FUN GOING IN CAR TIME. Then we arrived at our new apartment and they threw up in the floor several times a day. Once we got a house with a yard again they stopped. Maybe they could sense the transitional nature of our being in an apartment and it made them nervous.

Anyway, loved this post. Good stuff.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:35 AM on November 18, 2010

I'd only seen her stick-figure hyperbole humans - I had no idea she could draw dogs so beautifully realistically and caricatured at the same time.

She has photos of helper dog and simple dog on the site's facebook fan page and the drawings are astoundingly like the real thing. I wish I could pay her to do a caricature of my dog. This is one of her best posts, frickin great, I was cracking up too.
posted by jamesonandwater at 6:40 AM on November 18, 2010

That was the perfect thing to wake up to. My Thursday will be awesome because I will have laughed for a good solid 10 minutes first thing in the morning.
posted by stoneweaver at 6:46 AM on November 18, 2010

chinese_fashion: Your words are of interest to me, because my own writing style is pretty much exactly like the sentences you posted. So, your post will probably help me improve my own writing (not that I do any).

But I feel I must point out that there is nothing wrong with the grammar of the sentences you posted; your issue is instead with her style.
posted by teatime at 7:06 AM on November 18, 2010

In my head, Allie's Boyfriend is actually davesecretary

Yup, I'm gonna go ahead and start believing this to be true as well. It's best for everyone.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:11 AM on November 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

I, like everyone else, just subscribe to her blog. Every post doesn't need to be re-broadcast here!
posted by Theta States at 7:12 AM on November 18, 2010

I, like everyone else, just subscribe to her blog. Every post doesn't need to be re-broadcast here!

I used to think that. There're even grumpy comments to that effect in my history. I was wrong.
posted by stoneweaver at 7:13 AM on November 18, 2010

This is great! Spent the entire time reading it spazzed out with laughter.

I just got done moving myself - just 2 blocks across town, mind you, but with one who is quite a bit like helper dog. The entire time I packed, she followed me around the house generally getting in the way of what I was trying to do, and every time I discovered this, she would be looking up at me with those sad eyes. "Why are you doing this to me?" she always wants to know. Because she is blocking my way, I have to find a way to move her, and this means I have to tell her to move. Since she is stubborn and doesn't want to move, I have to raise my voice to get it across to her. She then apparently thinks I hate her, and am moving to get away from her. No amount of reassurance on my part will change her mind once so convinced, but she does forget, eventually. Until the next time, which is about 15 minutes later.

This dog is thoroughly spoiled; has her own side of the bed, and her own chair. I made the mistake of leaving that chair behind once, as it was falling apart and needed to go to the dump. I'll never make that mistake again...

I'm just glad she likes the new place, or we would still be trapped in a never ending cycle of neuroses.
posted by cybrcamper at 7:53 AM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'd never seen this blog before. Thanks for the post!
posted by CrazyLemonade at 7:57 AM on November 18, 2010

Thank you. I must confess, I'd missed the earlier posts and hadn't heard of H and 1/2. That was hysterical and couldn't have come at a better time (I wish I could find a way to make amusing the fact that the Montgomery County (MD) water dept has been jackhammering outside my apt. bldg. one a week or so for at least the last year between 11:00 p.m and 3:00 a.m.. Anyway, because I was so tired I fell on the escalator this morning. It was shaping up to be a really cranky day for me. I didn't think that I'd be able to crack a smile, let alone laugh.
posted by kaybdc at 8:17 AM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

That was awesome. Not only because it perfectly captures the dynamics of my stupid dogs, but because it gave me a new tool;

When people ask me to describe myself; my thinking process, my way of making difficult decisions, my overall world view, I can now just link them to this.

Because that, better than damn near anything else I've seen, describes what goes on in my head.
posted by quin at 8:19 AM on November 18, 2010 [9 favorites]

My own favorite is "How a Fish Nearly Destroyed My Childhood," which is hilarious while also being quite disturbing.

Yep. The panel where Allie wakes her father up made me laugh until I not only cried but was pretty sure I was going to have an oxygen deprivation attack of some sort.
posted by jokeefe at 11:45 AM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]

I laughed until there were tears. I am not saying that just to say that, I really did have to take off my glasses and scrub my face down.

I love her dog drawings. You can see just how earnestly, pathetically wiggly Simple Dog is. I've known dogs like that. They're fantastic, except for when you want to sell them for scientific experiments.
posted by cmyk at 12:50 PM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

Much as I enjoyed the original article, I must say it's a perfect textbook-case example of why I am not and will never be a "dog person".
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:54 PM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

So, about dog booties... are they always so traumatizing?

Tactile sensation is a huge part of being able to use limbs. A family member's dog got some nerve damage in it's neck and now will not use one of it's fore legs because it lost the sensation to that leg and foot. It can still use it, it just won't.
If you've ever fallen asleep on your arm and then tried to go about using it, you might have an idea of why those dogs act that way.
posted by P.o.B. at 1:25 PM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

Strunk&White is best read as satire. They make some good points, but don't take them too seriously.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:05 PM on November 18, 2010

You know, I had a beautiful, but solitary, dog for fourteen years before I had to put her to sleep last year, and I had this complicated relationship with her that I never quite understood until I got her successor and then realized that the mistake I'd made with Rose had been thinking that she and I were enough of a pack. I let Daisy settle in for a year, and adopted a stray beagle that is the most ridiculously small beagle I've ever seen. I tried to give him an organic hippie name, Fig, to go along with Daisy, but his personality is a Lou personality, so he's Lou.

I had no idea.

One dog is a lovely, lovely thing. Two dogs, on the other hand, are a vocation. Every day, they make me laugh, or make me sad, or make me proud, or make me feel awe and amazement about the impossible gloriousness of evolution.

This cartoon was beautiful and spot-on and made me realize that I really, really need to write about living in a two-dog household and how insane and wonderful it is.
posted by sonascope at 2:06 PM on November 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

Every time the idiocy of a few drives me to rage and I am on the verge of swearing off metafilter forever, one of you goes and does something incredibly awesome like this.

I can already tell I'm going really really like this lady's blog. It made Mrs. Seasparrow and I laugh and laugh. The trials of "helper dog" and "simple dog" were so much like the daily experience of our own (more-complicated named) "little white retarded lion" and "boneless bacon blanket" that there must be some sort of universal truth there.

Other metafilter victories that I am happy and grateful to have found here:

Kate Beaton
Stan Rogers

For these three things alone I'm willing to put up with a lot more of the of wooly-headed smug self-congratulation that passes for commentary around here.

Great job, OP!
posted by seasparrow at 3:11 PM on November 18, 2010

Lame. tl;dr version: dogs are stupid.

Much as I enjoyed the original article, I must say it's a perfect textbook-case example of why I am not and will never be a "dog person

Yeah, I didn't need to enjoy (or even read!) the original article to figure that out.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:14 PM on November 18, 2010

I loved this, and just in general love H anna 1/2. Her dog artwork is spectacular--I can really picture the little spaz dog and the neurotic helper dog.

But after reading this, I'm worried about helper dog. Has he transitioned? Is he going to be okay? Is he still dejected and anxious?

I think cats are easier when it comes to situations like this. Because dogs want to please you so much, you always feel bad if your dog isn't happy, wagging his tail and grinning to see you.

But a lot of times, cats are pissed off or terrified for no good reason whatsoever. So, when your cat is upset about something, you can just say to yourself, "Huh. Cats are weird," and not feel guilty at all.
posted by misha at 4:05 PM on November 18, 2010

The only website that consistently makes me laugh out loud.
posted by prior at 5:06 PM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

Not to get morose, but Wolves don't act that way. Dogs have been bread over thousands of years to act that way because it's cuter.

Hmm, in my experience dogs are not bread. If they are, I have been doing pet ownership and sandwiches all wrong.
posted by sweetkid at 7:45 PM on November 18, 2010 [5 favorites]

Hot dogs have been inbread for thousands of years.
posted by taz at 11:12 PM on November 18, 2010 [5 favorites]

Hot dogs have been inbread for thousands of years.
posted by taz at 3:12 PM on November 19 [1 favorite +] [!]

What they're doing in bread I'll never know.
posted by gc at 2:49 AM on November 19, 2010

They had to go somewhere after getting out of the elk.
posted by flaterik at 9:41 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think you guys need to be introduced to the Alot.
posted by JHarris at 2:28 AM on November 20, 2010