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November 14, 2016 10:17 PM   Subscribe

Masturbation Euphemisms From Around The World — toss your own in here, too.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (88 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite


 
Stabbing The Cat ...

All male euphemisms I notice. It's not like females never flick the bean.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 10:50 PM on November 14, 2016 [7 favorites]


At one point in my life I was living on an organic farm, working for room and some meals. In the random working out of who took on what jobs, it fell to me and another mechanically minded fellow to keep up regular maintenance of the farm's equipment. One day we got a kick out of telling everyone we'd spent the afternoon Greasing The Tractor.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:46 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


ifyouknowwhatImean...
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:48 PM on November 14, 2016


Jostling the Elders

The best thing I will ever come up with, tragically limited in relevance to those who remember politics in the 90s
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:21 AM on November 15, 2016 [28 favorites]


Years ago I stumbled upon a list like this that included German, and found "flute solo" and "ringing the Handy" ("Handy" being the German word for a mobile phone) utterly delightful.
posted by DoctorFedora at 12:26 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Jostling the Elders

The best thing I will ever come up with, tragically limited in relevance to those who remember politics in the 90s


Joycelyn Elders for you youngsters out there:
In 1994, she [as Surgeon General of the United States] was invited to speak at a United Nations conference on AIDS. She was asked whether it would be appropriate to promote masturbation as a means of preventing young people from engaging in riskier forms of sexual activity, and she replied, "I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught." This remark caused great controversy and resulted in Elders losing the support of the White House. [...]
Anyway, in an unrelated link, here is a perhaps not entirely serious list of Polish masturbation slang.
posted by pracowity at 12:49 AM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


Apparently, women don't masrurbate. Or make up goofy slang about it. Or post that slang in listicles....

Hmmm. "Posting a listicle..."
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:13 AM on November 15, 2016 [6 favorites]


serious list of Polish masturbation slang.

polishing the sausage?

Actually my first instinct was to Ctrl-F "kielbasa" and it's there alright, assuming they spell it (or decline it?) "kiełbachę."
posted by atoxyl at 1:31 AM on November 15, 2016


All male euphemisms I notice. It's not like females never flick the bean.

At least half of the phrases in the article can apply pretty easily to women, too, and some of them even sound more appropriate that way.

That said, some of these are more cacophomism than euphemism.
posted by rokusan at 1:44 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


The conservative Christian college I attended used to pass out a list of masturbation euphemisms in one of the youth ministry classes. I can't remember what purpose that was supposed to serve--maybe to help sheltered ministry majors know what the kids were talking about?--but I do remember that two on the list for female self-pleasuring were "splittin the kitten" and "applying lip gloss."

I harbor doubts that any real-life masturbatrix ever used those phrases.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 1:45 AM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


It's not a euphemism, but I've always liked the archaic term (from Latin 'hand debauchery') 'manstupration', which Samuel Beckett uses to great effect here and there. (Including, IMHO, 'manstuprating furiously', in Mercier and Camier.)
posted by Mocata at 2:17 AM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


None here I would use personally, I shall have to take matters into my own hands.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 2:44 AM on November 15, 2016 [7 favorites]


In my italian circles "in altre faccende affaccendato", that translates somewhat as "in other occupations occupied". Rather gender neutral.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 3:05 AM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


this thread is crying out for the vulgar poetry of a classic chris morris bit, from 'several cords of reproductive mucus were expelled rhythmically into the crowd' to 'unsheath(ing) a length of skin-clad tube' and 'ransacking his dignity'
posted by Collaterly Sisters at 3:05 AM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


(No chickens were choked in the preparation of this article.)
posted by Paul Slade at 3:41 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


The Adventures of Chuck Wow
posted by Bob Regular at 3:48 AM on November 15, 2016


"Posting an FPP"
"Flagging as fantastic"
"Flagging as a double"
"Using the contact form"
"Wielding the banhammer"
"Taking it to MeTa"
"Backtagging"
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:56 AM on November 15, 2016 [20 favorites]


No Yiddish, so here you go. For those that don't know, many Orthodox Jewish men wear fringes that are called tzitzis, and done get into the habit of endlessly playing with them, so "spinning tzitzis" is a euphemism for male masturbation.

I don't know that the is a female equivalent, although there is one for heavy petting that could be used: on Passover, we take a drop of wine and spill it out, often with the fingertips, for each plague. So "spilling the 10 plagues," because of the repetitive tapping.
posted by maxsparber at 4:00 AM on November 15, 2016 [9 favorites]


"In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat"--New Jersey.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:27 AM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


Apparently, women don't masturbate.

They're too busy polishing their oven doors.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:42 AM on November 15, 2016 [6 favorites]


Plating your beans.
posted by entropone at 4:53 AM on November 15, 2016 [6 favorites]


Ignoring the lighthouse?
posted by I-baLL at 5:14 AM on November 15, 2016


In Hokkien its 'playing with your water gun'. As defined in Coxford:

PAK CHEW CHENG
Literally, to hit the hand gun. The Hokkien euphemism for masturbation. The Mandarin corollary is "da shou qiang".

Commonly abbreviated PCC.
posted by destrius at 5:23 AM on November 15, 2016


We used to invent masturbation euphemisms to pass the time in college. Probably my favorite one was "fighting the fascist".
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:24 AM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


At some point in college one of my friends found a list of euphemisms for female masturbation on Usenet, and many of them became our stock responses for "Where's so-and-so?". Unfortunately, most of them have been long forgotten, but my favorite was always "buttering the whisker-biscuit".
posted by jferg at 5:25 AM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


I have a thing where I can't help getting literal mental images of non-literal phrases, so Sweden's "ride the skin elevator" is definitely my favorite in its slightly unsettling way, but Norway's "tugging the salmon" wins for most stereotypical.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 5:26 AM on November 15, 2016


Pounding trout.
Organ solo.
posted by Bruce H. at 5:31 AM on November 15, 2016


Keeping Calm, And, Chiving On
posted by Greg Nog at 5:38 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Heard in London, many, many years ago: "one off the cuff".
posted by epo at 5:44 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


That said, some of these are more cacophomism than euphemism.

"Pedant preening," amirite?

(Ahem: cacophemism, with an "e".)
posted by notyou at 5:45 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


" Taking advantage of myself" Feminine, Appalachia
posted by haikuku at 5:46 AM on November 15, 2016 [8 favorites]


Heard in London, many, many years ago: "one off the cuff".

Are you sure it wasn't "one off the wrist"? That's a common term for male masturbation here in the UK. As is "Bashing the bishop", incidentally.

("Off the cuff" is slang for giving an improvised reply to someone's question.)
posted by Paul Slade at 5:53 AM on November 15, 2016


No, one off the cuff. That is why it was so memorable.
posted by epo at 5:58 AM on November 15, 2016


" Taking advantage of myself"
I've always kind of been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out. You know. Well, one thing about it, you're always around! Yeah, you ask yourself out, you know. Some class joint somewhere. The Burrito King or something. Well, I ain't cheap, you know. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe, you know. Then some provocative conversation on the way home . . . invite yourself inside and put a little nice music on, you know, like shopping music, something that's not too interruptive . . . Maybe it's not that romantic with you . . .

Well, usually about 2.30 in the morning you've ended up taking advantage of yourself and -- there ain't no way around that, you know. Yeah, making the scene with a magazine, I'll confess, I'm no different, you know. I ain't weird about it or nuthin' -- I don't tie myself up first, I just -- you know. I just kind of -- spend a little time with myself. So this is kind of a little anthem here . . ."

-- Tom Waits, "Better Off Without A Wife"
posted by Herodios at 6:11 AM on November 15, 2016 [8 favorites]


In that vein, Castilian Spanish uses "hacer puñetas," which refers to embroidering elaborate lacework cuffs, as a dismissive insult equivalent to "go jerk off!" As in, "vete a acre puñetas," said, for example, to someone who's annoying you.

Per the Real Academia Española:

a hacer puñetas
1. loc. adv. coloq. U. para desechar algo, o para despedir a alguien, despectivamente o sin miramientos. Mandar a hacer puñetas. Vete, anda a hacer puñetas.

hacer, o hacerse, la puñeta
1. locs. verbs. malsons. Masturbar o masturbarse.
posted by the sobsister at 6:16 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


"Using the contact form"

a.k.a. "Pinging the mods."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:16 AM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


Another MeFi one: Self-linking.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 6:30 AM on November 15, 2016 [18 favorites]


Hannah and Her Sisters
posted by fairmettle at 6:33 AM on November 15, 2016


Polly Palm and her five sisters.
posted by the sobsister at 7:07 AM on November 15, 2016


(No chickens were choked in the preparation of this article.)

But were any monkeys harmed?
posted by Kabanos at 7:08 AM on November 15, 2016


"ride the skin elevator"

What is last year's most popular Silent Hill tourism poster, Alex?
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:30 AM on November 15, 2016 [7 favorites]


I'm a stripper, so we appreciate and make regular use of sexual euphemisms.

"No, no, NO, put it back in the playpen" is my current preferred euphemism for when guys try to masturbate in front of me. But I think these might be my new favorites:
- "You can't commit hand-sin in here."
- "Palms are not God."
- "If you beat up the cyclops, the bouncer shall beat you up."
- "You will not shake hands with the president in this club."
- "You can greet the unemployed at home."
- "Angels do not cry in here." (This one might be confusing, as I recently imposed a literal No Crying rule in my champagne rooms, and it applies to customers and angels alike.)
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 7:33 AM on November 15, 2016 [15 favorites]


Canada: "Pulling the Goalie"
posted by rocket88 at 7:51 AM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


DIY
annoying the pope

> All male euphemisms I notice. It's not like females never flick the bean.
flooding the pond
turning figure eights
posted by farlukar at 7:51 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Using the self-checkout lane
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:52 AM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


ANNIE: We're finally getting to a subject you know something about.

ALVY: Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
posted by blucevalo at 7:55 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Just frightened. The monkeys, that is.
posted by the sobsister at 7:58 AM on November 15, 2016


Wield the scepter.
posted by jouke at 8:29 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Scene: Thankgiving dinner with the conservative, religious extended family (~20 people)
Setting: conversation currently is discussing marriage
Arandia's 16-year-old brother, announced loudly and to the whole table: "Well, when I grow up, *I'm* going to marry Palmala Handerson"
*crickets*


Ever since, my favourite phrase (to my brother's chagrin) has been 'to marry Palmala Handerson'.
posted by Arandia at 9:05 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


I was in uni and someone referred to it, somewhat sadly, as "shaking hands with the unemployed". I about fell out of my chair.
posted by hearthpig at 9:06 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


Court-martialing the purple-helmeted soldier of love
posted by sapere aude at 9:06 AM on November 15, 2016


Pumping the python
Milking the mamba
Shaking hands with the wife's best friend.
posted by Paul Slade at 9:10 AM on November 15, 2016


Probably my favorite one was "fighting the fascist"

Strangling the Skinhead?

Struggling Against the Little Revisionist?

Engaging in Vigorous Self-Criticism?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:12 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


[...] toss your own in here, too.

I see what you did there.
posted by brand-gnu at 9:46 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


Winding up her little ball of yarn
Erasing the problem
Fingerpainting
Pet the kitty
Polishing the pearl
Washing your fingers
Beating around the bush
Shake hands with the little man in the boat
Working in the garden
Scratching the record
Buttering the muffin
Checking the oil
Checking the status of the I/O port
Fingering something out
posted by bongo_x at 9:47 AM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


The Five Knuckle Shuffle.
posted by Fister Roboto at 9:49 AM on November 15, 2016


Probably my favorite one was "fighting the fascist"

the dicktatorship of the broletariat
posted by poffin boffin at 9:51 AM on November 15, 2016


Polishing Trump Tower
Questioning Anthony Weiner
Time to Huma my Clinton
Got to Kaine my Pence
Persuading my superdelegate
Making my area wet again
posted by w0mbat at 10:01 AM on November 15, 2016




Polly Palm and her five sisters.

I always heard this as Rosy Palm (which in fact is a whole gif meme thing)
posted by bitdamaged at 10:52 AM on November 15, 2016


I'll be in my bunk...posting a listicle
posted by supermedusa at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Buffin' the muffin
Rubbin' the nubbin
Stirring the honey pot
posted by iotic at 11:03 AM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


There's a Vietnamese one I've heard only ever once, but I'm not sure why it's not more popular: "bắn máy bay", which literally means "shoot airplane"
posted by numaner at 11:34 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Getting all the way through an election thread"
posted by Cookiebastard at 11:59 AM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


From Letterkenny:
Play a little five on one.
Hit the kitchen, mix a batch.
Feed the ducks.
Distribute some free literature.

posted by lucidium at 12:26 PM on November 15, 2016


Eupheing the mism! Juggling the jism!
That's how I'll be cataing this clysm.
Ain't gonna fall for fasing the cism
Ain't gonna stop my lefing the tism
Gotta stay strong for acting the vism:
Self-love stops my pessing the mism!
Don't y'all say it's soing the phism -
I'll starve for love before canning balism!
posted by the quidnunc kid at 12:26 PM on November 15, 2016 [9 favorites]


Another Swedish one is meeting mister or miss right (herr/fröken höger). Surprisingly, it works better in English because you get the right hand/Mr. Right thing too, which you don't get in Swedish where höger just means right as in the direction.

From The Good Place
Chidi: Lao Tzu wrote "Knowing others is wisdom, but knowing the self is enlightenment".
Eleanor: Aaah, knowing yourself. Is he talking about what I think he's talking about? *smiles and nods suggestively*
(Chidi says no, but obviously he's wrong)

And then there's Diddle My Skittle
posted by bjrn at 12:29 PM on November 15, 2016


Most of them I can get, but how the heck does "soak the waffle" become a masturbation euphemism? Is there something about Israeli waffles I should know?
posted by sotonohito at 12:44 PM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Polishing Trump Tower
Questioning Anthony Weiner
Time to Huma my Clinton
Got to Kaine my Pence
Persuading my superdelegate
Making my area wet again


Leaking something embarrassing to disrupt the election.
posted by PlusDistance at 12:50 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


Slinging the jelly
posted by slogger at 1:05 PM on November 15, 2016


Canada: "Pulling the Goalie"

Mrs not_the_water, who comes from a hockey family, used that phrase when she talked about stopping using birth control when we were trying to have a kid.
posted by not_the_water at 2:02 PM on November 15, 2016 [6 favorites]


Connecting to localhost
Hacking 127.0.0.1
Editing Wikipedia
posted by infinitewindow at 2:10 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


As far as a relative scarcity of female euphemisms, maybe we're more likely to just get on with it instead of talking it to death. Besides, if we did talk about it, who would publish it for posterity?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to knead the biscuits.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:41 PM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


Meant to say earlier, surprised not to have seen "abusing the glove" or similar from COD yet.
posted by hearthpig at 4:03 PM on November 15, 2016


At a bar in Nagoya where I was playing piano at the time, I mentioned to some Japanese businessmen that I was going to visit a college friend in Tokyo who was a shakuhachi (Japanese bamboo flute) player. They all started giggling. You can guess why.
posted by kozad at 4:37 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


To hold tightly the pelican by his mouth pouch

Yah I wanna do that!
posted by a humble nudibranch at 4:41 PM on November 15, 2016


In Turkey, it's to "pull 31 (31 çekmek)", which when I picked up from teaching teenagers English there. I didn't inquire into why, but suspected it came from making a ring with the thumb and index finger (one) and leaving the other three (3) to follow along.

But thanks to this thread, I finally googled, and the real etymology is interesting and historic! This article says the phrase comes from Ottoman times, when the event was to "pull a hand". But apparently, like in Hebrew, letters using the Arabic alphabet gets assigned a number. So, the article says, if you wanted to talk about "pulling a hand" around the kids without their hearing that damnable phrase, you used the number 31 -- taking 1 from the e of the letter elif and the 30 from the l of lam, which of course came together as el (Turkish for hand). An Ottoman way of talking about erking-jay off-ay, you know, for the kids' sake.
posted by Theiform at 5:01 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: edited for your pleasure.
posted by datawrangler at 5:44 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: edited for your pleasure.

Editing your comments for content
posted by infinitewindow at 6:10 PM on November 15, 2016


Q: Why is "Making America great again" a euphemism for masturbation?

Self explanatory if you're following the news about the Trump transition.

"Making America Great Again" is now my preferred term.
posted by bongo_x at 9:19 PM on November 15, 2016


Pumpin' the Drumpf
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:25 PM on November 15, 2016


For female euphemisms, how about:

Double-clicking the mouse
Tuning the G string.
posted by Paul Slade at 1:37 AM on November 16, 2016


A euphemism I acquired from a Bill Bryson book years ago was "frustrating [one's] purpose". Makes any discussion of the legal term less dry, I must say.
posted by comealongpole at 2:41 AM on November 16, 2016


In Utah, it's abusing your little factory.
posted by msbutah at 8:28 AM on November 16, 2016


Making a map of Hawaii has always been my personal favorite.
posted by Twicketface at 9:24 AM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


(Ahem: cacophemism, with an "e".)

My bad, but I was typing with one hand.
posted by rokusan at 9:50 AM on November 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


Honking the horn
Voting for Dukakis
Turning on the radio
Milking the Cow
Doing a donut
Cheesing the cut
posted by 4ster at 1:40 PM on November 16, 2016


> Tuning the G string.

Strumming the lady harp.
posted by bjrn at 2:15 PM on November 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


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