The synergy was electric.
June 27, 2017 4:02 PM   Subscribe

Talk about your uncomfortable humor. Lips curling in revulsion isn't just a saying, it took me two tries to finish this, and then I had to walk away a moment to compose myself. Nothing sets me off like that vile, dehumanizing corporate-speak. Well done, New Yorker.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 4:42 PM on June 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

Was this satire? I can't tell anymore. I hear people talk like this outside the office all the time.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:01 PM on June 27, 2017 [3 favorites]

Whoa! Wow. I am so glad I never had to exist in you'alls world
posted by notreally at 5:11 PM on June 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

I thought it was funny.
posted by kinnakeet at 5:11 PM on June 27, 2017

I hope they get to optimize their lip-touching goals moving forward. They probably need a significant visioning session soon, to optimize their mission objectives.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:33 PM on June 27, 2017 [4 favorites]

check in with what proportion of your soul was instantly destroyed upon reading this, I think I'm at about 15-20%
posted by valrus at 5:41 PM on June 27, 2017 [3 favorites]

I was going to attempt a comment in corporate speak, but can't top the piece. Thanks for the lulz.
posted by NorthernLite at 6:03 PM on June 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

Later, Jared threw her under the bus. Underresourced for a productive relationship, he claimed, but Sara knew she'd been outsourced.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:18 PM on June 27, 2017 [11 favorites]

Thanks for this. I laughed. My beloved husband's second language is English but alas, Corporate Speak seems to be emerging as his third due to an infectious work environment. I hope these unsavoury linguistic developments can be arrested before he reaches out again to start the ball rolling on any new venture, and you never know, getting this article on his radar may facilitate that.
posted by Diomedea at 7:44 PM on June 27, 2017 [4 favorites]

That was hilariously cringe inducing.
posted by medusa at 9:58 PM on June 27, 2017

Our new CEO speaks much like this without any apparent self consciousness or sarcasm.

We are all to be thought leaders, I've sat through the powerpoint presentations telling me so. I wish I was joking.
posted by deadwax at 11:49 PM on June 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

I should not have read this before work today.

"I dunno, he just fucking lunged at Stewart after he said we we were going to knife and fork the resourcing roadblock"
posted by fullerine at 12:20 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

posted by Ziggy500 at 1:55 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

I wonder if someone could make up a kind of Cockney rhyming slang for this corporate jargon? Like "fork in the eye" for "KPI," or "mare and foal" for "stretch goal"?

Having bullshit all-hands meetings begin to sound like the itinerary for a pub crawl would be a big improvement.
posted by wenestvedt at 3:52 AM on June 28, 2017

It's a corporate deal. Someone's definitely going to get screwed.
posted by chavenet at 6:00 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

I was an editor at a legal publishing company for several years. When I started I was on a new team that was staffed with a lot of fresh-faced English majors. We had our first department-wide annual conference meeting within weeks of assembling the team. The youngsters were eager to sample the corporate jargon and bingo-sheets of buzz words were assembled for the event. I had previously spent ten years at a major health insurance company and had just gotten past the phase where corporate jargon needed to come with a trigger warning.

The first three or four speakers were attorneys and former editors. Not a single damn buzz word. It was going to be a shutout. The kids were disappointed. Then the guy from marketing got up. He dropped "synergy" in his opening statement. A tremor went through our row. I recall a youngster leaning from his seat to give a fist pump and declare "and here we go!" Damn if that marketing asshole didn't cause a bingo in the space of about seven minutes and his presentation was a good half hour long.
posted by Ber at 8:05 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

I would like to bring Clippy back, but with two modifications:
(1) Clippy points out business jargon.
(2) Clippy is a physical paperclip, and stabs you when you use those words.
posted by madcaptenor at 8:52 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

Time to call in HR.

Can two jargonistas make it though? Jargon seems rooted in exclusion and control which is useless without a beleaguered party.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 12:07 AM on June 30, 2017

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