“He’s probably in his room right now, stuffing Lego in the hole”

December 13, 2018 2:28 AM

It is the season of goodwill, of delivering gifts and presents, and the traditional British Santa's Enchanted Adventure That Isn't. Santa has been getting into the festive rage/spirit in Cambridge (the county of interesting school plays), while in Thornaby he gets a parking ticket. In Hull, the elderly spend the night cutting their neighbour's flashing lights, while in Reading “the lights were flashing and it is so in your face, you cannot help staring at it - I was in complete disbelief.” Though in Chard, some residents will become familiar with Baby Shark. And in Yorkshire, a shepherd was sent to the school nativity with a ... multi-purpose ... sheep. Should you charge your relatives to eat Christmas dinner, or just let them tuck into marmite sprouts? Happy Christmas, MetaFilter.
posted by Wordshore (45 comments total)

Thank you! Father Christmas should bring you some money!
posted by otherchaz at 2:34 AM on December 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

St. Ives, Cambridgeshire's Santa was at the CORN EXCHANGE?!?!

Well, the naughty ones won't be getting coal this year, but it looks like if they saved their present from last year - they will have some popcorn!
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:52 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Ah, the season of winter vomiting.
posted by Segundus at 2:57 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

An extra Christmas cookie is awarded to Worsshore for the post title. (Which, presumably, he will just stuff into his sheep sex doll’s....Lego pouch.)
posted by wenestvedt at 3:14 AM on December 13, 2018 [6 favorites]

Oh Alloa. Feels about right. I love love love the look on that mum's face in the last photo, it just says SO MUCH.
posted by stillnocturnal at 3:16 AM on December 13, 2018 [6 favorites]

When you walk home you just don’t expect to come face to face with an enormous penis on a wall.

Someone is discounting the festive revels of Priapus. Where is the holiday spirit?
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:32 AM on December 13, 2018 [6 favorites]

No mention of the queen’s speech or James Bond movies after lunch. What has become of the British Christmas?
posted by bystander at 3:37 AM on December 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

In my opinion, it’s all been downhill since they stopped the bull-slaying at the Mithraeum; first they stop the sacrifices, then they sabotage the lights in the middle of the night, Santa slides into madness....

Clearly, the Puritan Parliament was playing the long game....
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:02 AM on December 13, 2018 [8 favorites]

Seems to be a lack of crap Winter Wonderland stories in the tabloids this year ... gravely disappointed in my country, they really made Christmas tbh.

(I did see a crap 'chocolate festival' but that don't really count)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:21 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

In all honesty, thank you for this post Wordshore. For the first time in 15? years I have been inspired by some holiday food! This is my first Christmas miracle of the season! I now have a challenge for christmas! Time to up my game amd officially write my menu.

Looks like I'll be reverse engineering some interesting pudding containers... my wife is going to go nuts... glad I'm off for a few days before the holiday.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:29 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

the true spirit of christmas is weaponized holiday cheer
posted by um at 4:29 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Not to worry you dear folks across the pond, The Real Mary Poppins(tm) will soon wave her brexitwand and poof MEGA (make england great again) (tru)MP's will dance the brexit dance.
posted by sammyo at 4:36 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Marmite sprouts doesn't sound unreasonable to me.
posted by jonbro at 4:39 AM on December 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

Seems to be a lack of crap Winter Wonderland stories in the tabloids this year ...

You missed the link for Bath's own Fyre Festival!
posted by Naberius at 5:48 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

GenjiandProust: In my opinion, it’s all been downhill since they stopped the bull-slaying at the Mithraeum...

Hey, it looks like someone else is reading the new Ben Aaronovitch book, too!
posted by wenestvedt at 5:59 AM on December 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

BBC: "Other experimental Christmas foods on sale in recent seasons have included Brussels sprouts-flavoured tea (containing granulated sprouts) from Sainsbury's, Christmas pudding smoothies from M&S and turkey breast-infused gin from Portobello Road Gin."
posted by Wordshore at 6:05 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

My wife just bought me a Morrison's 'Christmas Dinner' pasty. It's a three-course meal! Unfortunately I started at the wrong end (tip: the arrow embossed into the pastry indicates the start, not the direction of travel). The Christmas pudding and brandy sauce was an unremarkable starter. The turkey/stuffing/sausage main course, while perfectly palatable, would be better without the crass sweetness of the cranberries. The pork liver pâté and apple sauce 'dessert' will, I'm sure, be a revelation.
posted by pipeski at 6:11 AM on December 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

"Marmite Sprouts" sounds like it's the B-side to Stone Roses' "Love Spreads."

But actually, I've just sent this recipe to a friend who had been gifted an extra-large jar of Marmite, so win-win.

I don't like Marmite, but a Marmite compound butter sounds like it might be alright.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:15 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Photo caption: He loves the wee fella. I don't know why, but this kills me.

The Marmite sprouts-linked article about novelty foods by Lauren Bravo, is a delight.
2018 Exhibit A: EAT’s Christmas dinner Yorkshire pudding wrap, which is three types of meat swaddled in a fried batter duvet. I like Marmite, and recently saw a recipe for miso sprouts, so I might try it.

As always, splendid post. Thanks, Wordshore.
posted by theora55 at 6:17 AM on December 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

Santa has been getting into the festive rage/spirit in Cambridge...

It's a good thing I was between sips of coffee when I came across this line in the story:

“The guy dressed as Santa at the Corn Exchange is an absolute disgrace."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:22 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

DJ Stuart Wilkin said Santa was “raging”

Well, assuming you're dropping mad beats, I should hope so, Mr. DJ.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:24 AM on December 13, 2018 [6 favorites]

tip: the arrow embossed into the pastry indicates the start, not the direction of travel

Surely the starter end would be the end you put in your mouth first. That means the arrow would be pointing at your face as you feed the pasty in, and hence correctly indicate the direction of travel. Or have I misunderstood something here?
posted by Paul Slade at 6:26 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

In my mind it was the direction I was supposed to travel in relation to the pasty. I should probably have considered the pasty's perspective, I suppose.
posted by pipeski at 6:38 AM on December 13, 2018 [13 favorites]

Metafilter: should probably have considered the pasty's perspective
posted by TWinbrook8 at 6:43 AM on December 13, 2018 [10 favorites]

I don't mind the flashing light displays, but if a neighbor ever set up one of those displays that includes a speaker playing Christmas music I would definitely take some late night action.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:47 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

And then, of course, there's this.

Which I assume is a joke product, particularly since the purported maker appears to be the UK version of Gamestop. But the very fact that this occurred to someone is yet more evidence for my long-held theory that the British empire came about primarily because English food was so horrific.
posted by Naberius at 6:49 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Most of the musical light displays I've seen definitely have volume levels and hours of operation that have been negotiated with the neighbours. Usually they happen only on streets where most of the residents are reasonably enthusiastic about blog-worthy displays and at least not overtly hostile about the significant traffic that such things bring.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:57 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Someone should check on the British to see if they're OK. Marmite sprouts and turkey-breast gin sound like either a cry for help or Brexitmania escalating into a spiral of radicalism, the next step of which will probably involve cannibalism.
posted by acb at 7:06 AM on December 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

Some of the musical light displays also use a small FM transmitter to broadcast the music for people in their cars. Another Baby Shark light display* also had a light up sign that said "TUNE TO 88.5" which I found funny.

*Our toddler is firmly in the grip of Baby Shark mania. She was lying in her crib calling for her mother the other night and before we got there the plaintive cries of "mommy, mommy, mommy" turned into "mommy, mommy, mommy...shark doo doo doo doo doo doo."
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:09 AM on December 13, 2018 [7 favorites]

To be fair, those lights do appear to be set on "maximally irritating strobe".
posted by lucidium at 7:20 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: reverse engineering some interesting pudding containers
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:29 AM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Mum disgusted after parcel delivery through window ends up in toilet"
Didn't we just recently have a thread about how the UK needs window screens?
posted by elizilla at 7:49 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I used to maintain a display of "scary foods" in my office at work. Lauren Bravo is my new hero. I welcome her as my new chocolate-chip-quiche-au-gratin overlord.
posted by blob at 7:54 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

In my mind it was the direction I was supposed to travel in relation to the pasty.

I feel a fool for not having considered that now.
posted by Paul Slade at 8:45 AM on December 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

In my mind it was the direction I was supposed to travel in relation to the pasty.

The general rule with foods and sex toys in Britain is that the arrow indicates which end to insert first.
posted by Wordshore at 9:08 AM on December 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

The phrase ‘stag night bonkin’ sheep’ made me burst out in laughter, which is a bad thing because my desk is right outside of my boss's office. My Quonsmas list for next year just got really short.
Stag
Night
Bonkin'
Sheep
🐑
posted by Fig at 9:08 AM on December 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

Thanks for the reciple link mandolin conspiracy! I'm going to try Marmite Sprouts for sure. Also, I'm jealous of your friend's extra large jar of Marmite. We only have the little ones here in Vancouver.
posted by twilightlost at 9:44 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

The general rule with foods and sex toys in Britain is that the arrow indicates which end to insert first.

This explains those pasties with flared bases!
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:21 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Seems to be a lack of crap Winter Wonderland stories in the tabloids this year

Ah, Just seen this... these stories are just pure life giving energy to me!

Bolton’s Winter Weekend described as ‘more like car boot sale’ by disappointed visitors
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:25 AM on December 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

“So it turns out some old gal doesn't like my Christmas lights,” he said. “What should I do? Ring the old bill or let her go free?....Everyone wants me to ring the police on her,” he said. “She should pay for them. If it was youths I would’ve been straight on the blower to the police..”

Just quoting to express my continued delight in English slang.
posted by emjaybee at 10:32 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Stay classy Reading! Looking forward to my visit while I’m home for Christmas 😂
posted by ellieBOA at 10:51 AM on December 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

You missed the link for Bath's own Fyre Festival!

Roxanne Gomes said: "We paid £112 for a family."

When will people learn?
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 3:03 PM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Huh. It hadn't occurred to me that Corn Exchanges (fancy Victorian buildings in many British towns, commonly repurposed as entertainment venues) were a peculiarly British thing, but certainly if Wikipedia's to be trusted on the subject, there aren't many elsewhere in the English-speaking world.

There happens to be one in the Dutch city I used to live in (it houses a supermarket at present), hence my assumption that they were a ubiquitous worldwide municipal feature.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 5:15 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]

Christmas is saved! Wizzard star's stolen van returned
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:02 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]

Baby shark do-do-do-do-do-do
Baby shark do-do-do-do-do-do
Baby shark do-do-do-do-do-do
Baby shark
posted by vitout at 11:58 AM on December 14, 2018 [1 favorite]