Manners live in vain
May 8, 2019 10:08 PM   Subscribe

Remember mayochup? The culinary monstersminds at Kraft Heinz have come up with three new condiment combos: Mayomust (mayo + mustard), Mayocue (mayo + barbecue sauce) and the best-named one yet: Kranch (ketchup + ranch dressing).
Kranch. KRANCH. This is a word you cannot help but say out loud. Ranch dressing is having a revival, but it almost doesn’t matter what this tastes like. The most important thing — Heinz’s greatest gift to America this summer — is the opportunity to say, “Hey, brah, can you pass me some KRANCH?” It is absurd. Kranch. Why. Kraaaaaaanch.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (154 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
omg now I know what I'm going to call my next D&D character
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 10:10 PM on May 8 [21 favorites]


It's not called "mayochup". It's called "fry sauce" and it's entirely prevalent in the Pacific and Inland Northwest. You know you're at a restaurant or chain location that has local roots if they offer you fry sauce.

Pro tip -- always say yes, and always dip in it, because it's ridiculously delicious.

(also just mayo works too if you don't want ketchup. Burger Royale, and all that.)
posted by hippybear at 10:11 PM on May 8 [21 favorites]


Also Kranch is stupid. It should be called Ranchup, given the naming conventions.
posted by hippybear at 10:12 PM on May 8 [18 favorites]


Kranch is the good-universe version of tronc.

Kranch rules (should I have said rulez?)
posted by aramaic at 10:14 PM on May 8 [2 favorites]


rulz
posted by hippybear at 10:16 PM on May 8 [6 favorites]


Mr Show already made a commercial for this https://youtu.be/mRntutn8udw

Watch to the end for full patriotism and pathos.
posted by ananci at 10:17 PM on May 8 [24 favorites]


These clearly need to be known as "recombiments".
posted by gurple at 10:18 PM on May 8 [53 favorites]


Barbonnaise, surely.

A friend of mine posited a pressurized canned mayonnaise. Couldn't decide whether to call it Mayosol or Sprayonnaise.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 10:20 PM on May 8 [37 favorites]


You can spread these on portmantoast.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 10:21 PM on May 8 [123 favorites]


Mayomust sounds like some sort of...secretion. Deeply disturbing.
posted by potrzebie at 10:22 PM on May 8 [15 favorites]


Girlfriendofselection always makes her own kranch when she gets fries in restaurants, but I never knew the name! So excited!
posted by agentofselection at 10:23 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]


This is true madness and I am here for it.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:26 PM on May 8 [5 favorites]


I squirt a little dollop of everything and anything available into one of those plastic solo containers, swirl it all up, and I got "Dipping Sauce".

i know it's not a clever name, but it's fucking delicious.

2nd place: HORSERELISH
posted by not_on_display at 10:42 PM on May 8 [22 favorites]


I consider them grand additions to the Condimentality of Kraft Heinz
posted by otherchaz at 10:52 PM on May 8 [3 favorites]


Absolutely not. I forbid it, period.

Now all of you go to your rooms and think about what you've done.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:54 PM on May 8 [8 favorites]


Maystard. It should be maystard. I wouldn't buy it prepackaged, but I admit I'm now going to try it as a pretzel dip, where straight mustard can be a bit overly strong.
posted by Sequence at 10:56 PM on May 8 [6 favorites]


Isn't Maystard the lead singer for TOOL?
posted by hippybear at 11:05 PM on May 8 [17 favorites]


Ranch dressing is one of the mother sauces of American cuisine.
posted by peeedro at 11:05 PM on May 8 [22 favorites]


glad to see mr. show achieve their “fuck everything, we’re doing five blades” moment, when one’s satirical target laps them by being even dumber than was previously imaginable
posted by murphy slaw at 11:10 PM on May 8 [11 favorites]


It's not called "mayochup". It's called "fry sauce"

Well, actually, I think you'll find it's called speciaal sauce and needs raw onion snippers to make it complete and preferably curry ketchup rather than plain ketchup to perfect it.

And that too is available ready made.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:11 PM on May 8 [3 favorites]


No, it's literally called fry sauce. I live here. A zillion places offer it. It's regional.
posted by hippybear at 11:14 PM on May 8 [5 favorites]


> gurple:
These clearly need to be known as "recombiments".

Abomniments?
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 11:25 PM on May 8 [11 favorites]


Veganaise with sriracha.
posted by gucci mane at 11:34 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]


I thought fry sauce generally was mayochup+a dash of hot sauce or something else to give it a touch of spice/kick. That might be a Seattle bastardization of it though. Or at least the places I've been to that do it.

But yeah, I always think the "OH NOES MAYOCHUP" is a little weird since, basically if it's not frysauce, it's bland russian dressing/thousand island.

ALSO: Pro-tip, and I'm surprised they didn't realize this: BBQ+Ranch=great. I do it by color, usually so it's about the same color as fry sauce/russian dressing, and I think it's usually about 2 pts BBQ, 1 part ranch. But you know, eyeball it and do what looks right to you. It's a real great flavor.
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 11:35 PM on May 8 [3 favorites]


I tried making a sauce out of a generous amount of Annie's Organic Yellow mustard and almond butter a couple of weeks ago.

Within minutes it was stiffer than glazier's putty and smelled very strange.

I think the hot principle of the mustard must have polymerized the almond oil — kind of like mixing the two components of epoxy together. I still ate it though, sliced thin on rice cakes. It was pretty terrible.
posted by jamjam at 11:39 PM on May 8 [23 favorites]


Abomniments?

I posit that condiments are (in general) the substances that most satiate the darkest, and nastiest, parts of our ids.
posted by sexyrobot at 11:54 PM on May 8 [4 favorites]


Don't you have Dijonnaise in the US? It's delicious! (Actually so delicious that I have eaten too much of it and right now I'm on a break)
posted by mumimor at 11:56 PM on May 8 [6 favorites]


Tartar sauce + mustard -> Tartard
Buttermilk dressing and ketchup -> Buttchup
Dijon + Relish -> Dish
Guacamole and hoisin -> Guaca-woka
Mustard + Thousand Island -> Must-thou...?

With those combos, I'm gonna thrup.
posted by zaixfeep at 11:59 PM on May 8 [30 favorites]


They missed the natural ad choice though. "Ketchup and mustard in the same bottle? That is really mustup." "Yep, sure is." or "Man, I really mustup this time." Cut to picture of hot dog smothered with condiment.
posted by gusottertrout at 12:17 AM on May 9 [9 favorites]


the planet is right to kill us off
posted by poffin boffin at 12:33 AM on May 9 [31 favorites]


Also Kranch is stupid. It should be called Ranchup, given the naming conventions.

That sounds like something Monsanto would produce. I'd rather die in a more conventional way.
posted by DreamerFi at 12:34 AM on May 9 [9 favorites]


I mostly associate fry sauce with Zip's. It is delicious.
posted by Uncle at 1:01 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


My Singaporean mother has always served char siew bao (steamed BBQ pork buns) with that most traditional of Chinese condiments...Heinz ketchup mixed with French’s yellow mustard. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it! Personally, I love it.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:07 AM on May 9 [5 favorites]


And I love mayo, so these mixtures all sound great. But the Kranch/ranchup (shudder to both) sounds frightful.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:09 AM on May 9


i only recently became aware that people dip their pizza into ranch dressing and it's made me feel not better exactly but at least more resigned about the state of things lately

this is the bad place
posted by poffin boffin at 1:35 AM on May 9 [8 favorites]


Anyone remember the Simpsons joke about the academy award for "Best Condiment on a Supporting Bun"? There was a picture. Can't find it now. Did I hallucinate it after too much Vicodinnaise (TM)?
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 2:28 AM on May 9


I tell you, I must kranch. I have to kranch. It's my slurry, isn't it?
posted by sninky-chan at 2:33 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


It’s not a sandwich until you Poupon it.
posted by snofoam at 2:38 AM on May 9 [14 favorites]


Basil pesto + Mustard = ‘Bastard’
posted by Segundus at 3:14 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]


“Mayochup” sounds like an insult from a second-rate cyberpunk novel.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:22 AM on May 9 [7 favorites]


It should be called Ranchup, given the naming conventions.

Also given that Ranch dressing tastes (to me) like vomit.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:22 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


I've always called mayomust "panini sauce", because my mom would make a sauce for roast beef and Swiss paninis out of mayonnaise, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and garlic. I like it.
posted by kevinbelt at 3:37 AM on May 9


And here you all are in here acting like thousand island dressing (catsup+Mayo+pickle relish) isn't an American deli classic.
posted by Chrischris at 3:44 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]


Also, our family version of fry sauce is Mayo+ Sriracha, mixed to a pleasing pink slime-ish hue and served with tater tots.

Also, consider catsup mixed into mashed potatoes.
posted by Chrischris at 3:47 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


stiffer than glazier's putty and smelled very strange

My new go-to descriptor when words fail me
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 3:50 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


> i only recently became aware that people dip their pizza into ranch dressing

Domino's over here used to have a base option where they would slap two thin crusts together with ranch mortar.
posted by lucidium at 4:22 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


All pale before the shining paragon of wasabonaise.
posted by sydnius at 4:30 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


Manners live in vain

I see what you did there. Here's to the haberman, Up and Out!
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 4:32 AM on May 9 [11 favorites]


Ah, comfort food. A plate of tater-tots, a couple corn-dogs, and a plate with a dab of almost every condiment in the house. Every bite a bit different. An ersatz palette to mix flavors as if I were Bob Ross mixing colors. Condiment Alchemy.
posted by zengargoyle at 4:33 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]


"Franch"
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:38 AM on May 9 [8 favorites]


Chick-fil-a sauce is honey mustard and BBQ.

That is all.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 4:44 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


That title tho. Kids and their cordwainer smith memes. smh
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 5:02 AM on May 9 [8 favorites]


warning mayonnaise expires before ketchup
posted by askmehow at 5:13 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


the planet is right to kill us off

i only recently became aware that people dip their pizza into ranch dressing and it's made me feel not better exactly but at least more resigned about the state of things lately


THIS from someone who once defended ketchup on steaks. smh.

(glad to see you back)
posted by some loser at 5:23 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


> i only recently became aware that people dip their pizza into ranch dressing


This is still the inferior version of dipping your pizza (and garlic fingers) in donair sauce.
posted by Space Coyote at 5:24 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


I kinda knew about the whole mayochup thing, but these new ones (KRANCH especially) make me think of Spishak Mixed Products
posted by AirExplosive at 5:33 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


The Germans have been on this for a while...

It's great, if you can get past the toothpaste associations.
posted by Steakfrites at 5:46 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Am I the only one who caught the Cordwainer Smith reference? Shame on all of you.
posted by tommasz at 5:48 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]


I LOVE THIS THREAD SO MUCH
posted by grumpybear69 at 5:49 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


It's great, if you can get past the toothpaste associations.

I...I just...no, I really, really can't.

ugh.
posted by gusottertrout at 5:49 AM on May 9


make me think of Spishak Mixed Products

Now I'm down the rabbithole of old madtv commercials so thank you and I hate you.

Bowling balls! Chum!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 5:58 AM on May 9


Am I the only one who caught the Cordwainer Smith reference?

"What is the third duty of a Scanner?"

"To use the wire of Eustace Cranch only with care, only with moderation." Several pair of eyes looked quickly at Martel before the mouthed chorus went on. "To cranch only at home, only among friends, only for the purpose of remembering, of relaxing, or of begetting."
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:08 AM on May 9 [7 favorites]


catsup=tomato + vinegar + sugar
mayo=eggs + mustard + vinegar + oil
mustard=mustard + vinegar + oil

Solve for x

Its vinegar, bitches! Do you stan it?
posted by Chrischris at 6:20 AM on May 9 [7 favorites]


I love fry sauce and am always intrigued that you can only find it in one region of the US (east of the Cascades, west of the Rockies) and in a few places in Europe.

Also, our family version of fry sauce is Mayo+ Sriracha, mixed to a pleasing pink slime-ish hue and served with tater tots.

We were eating at an expensive hipster foodie place one time and they had this really great "spicy aoli" on the side. I asked the server, expecting a long story about how it is handcrafted from local products, but nope, it was mayo & Sriracha. I've made it ever since.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:36 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]


Chrischris: "catsup=tomato + vinegar + sugar
mayo=eggs + mustard + vinegar + oil
mustard=mustard + vinegar + oil

Solve for x

Its vinegar, bitches! Do you stan it?
"

yes.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 6:39 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Spicy Korean bbq type sauce mixed with blue cheese dressing is something I discovered by accident and it's great. Especially on wings. K-Blue-beque?
posted by rachaelfaith at 6:41 AM on May 9 [5 favorites]


These would go well with Burger King's sad meals.
posted by backseatpilot at 6:45 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


Well, actually, I think you'll find it's called speciaal sauce

No, it's literally called fry sauce. I live here. A zillion places offer it. It's regional.

Or, depending on where you are, it's called salsa golf, was invented in the '20s to have with seafood by a future Nobel prize winning chemist, and is indispensable with hearts of palm or quail eggs.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 6:46 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]


And if you want a good "mayocue", go to Red Robin and get some 'Campfire Sauce'. Because that's what it is.

Not sure what kind of BBQ sauce they use, but it's really good on onion rings.
posted by mephron at 6:51 AM on May 9


"We were eating at an expensive hipster foodie place one time and they had this really great "spicy aoli" on the side. I asked the server, expecting a long story about how it is handcrafted from local products, but nope, it was mayo & Sriracha. I've made it ever since."

same story here except it was my friend's house, the food was fried tofu, and he just pointed at the Lee Kum Kee sriracha mayo bottle. I've had a bottle in my fridge ever since.
posted by komara at 6:52 AM on May 9


Mayo & Gochujang!!!
posted by The Toad at 6:59 AM on May 9 [5 favorites]


glad to see mr. show achieve their “fuck everything, we’re doing five blades” moment

Reality overtook their satire more literally, as Mr. Show already got here over 20 years ago: Mustmayostardayonnaise.
posted by LooseFilter at 7:00 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]


I hate all of this. Never stop posting Johnny.
posted by Fizz at 7:01 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


What’s a cordwainer smith? I would google, but I fear I’ll see image of porn. Butter churning porn or something.
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 7:04 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


Can we get salad cream involved somehow?
posted by lucidium at 7:07 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Its vinegar, bitches! Do you stan it?

Not much point. After all, stanners live in vain.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:07 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


What’s a cordwainer smith?

Cordwainer Smith was a pen name of Paul Linebarger. As Smith, he wrote a bunch of SF, mostly remember for his faaaaar future setting "The Instrumentality of Mankind." Lots of his stuff (like human-hunting war robots) would seem tropey and hackish now, but he was at or near the forefront at the time. As Linebarger, he helped develop core concepts of psychological warfare.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:10 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]


Neat! Thanks!
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 7:12 AM on May 9


What's the secret sauce at Bronco Burger?
posted by blaneyphoto at 7:12 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


the end times are truly here
posted by supermedusa at 7:20 AM on May 9


A few nights ago we started Tuca & Bertie. The first episode features a bakery that sells a combination croissant/bundt cake called a 'crunt'.
posted by Gorgik at 7:23 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


"Mayard" sounds classier than "maystard", and might pair well with a Chateauneuf-du-Pape. But it might be confused with the delicious Maillard reaction.

Also "maystard" has been trademarked.

(Seriously, though, I prefer to make my own recombiments, because then I can not fully mix the condiments but instead have swirls, and so every bite is a little different.)
posted by madcaptenor at 7:26 AM on May 9


Don't you have Dijonnaise in the US? It's delicious! (Actually so delicious that I have eaten too much of it and right now I'm on a break)

Hellmann's makes it, but if you google you find a lot of people complaining they can't find it. I haven't seen it lately but I haven't looked.
posted by madcaptenor at 7:28 AM on May 9


But what about Franch?
posted by East14thTaco at 7:31 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


(Slight derail....Cordwainer Bird was the fictitious name used by Harlan Ellison for Starlost after it became clear what a mess the production had become.)
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 7:57 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Also, our family version of fry sauce is Mayo+ Sriracha, mixed to a pleasing pink slime-ish hue and served with tater tots.

That's spicy mayo traditionally used for sushi if you use Kewpie Japanese mayo. I like to use it on burgers.
posted by cazoo at 7:58 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


If only I had a nice big Pepsi Blue to wash down my Heinz Mayochup.
posted by briank at 7:58 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


I love fry sauce and am always intrigued that you can only find it in one region of the US (east of the Cascades, west of the Rockies) and in a few places in Europe.

Fry sauce (mayo + ketchup + spices) is pretty common across the south as well. Raising Canes (a restaurant that just sells chicken fingers) has a version (they add Worcestershire and Onion powder), as do multiple regional hamburger places. They don't call it 'fry sauce' but it's basically the same thing to my taste.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:59 AM on May 9


I was telling my wife about these and her reaction to kranch was "that sounds like a venereal disease."

I have nothing to add to that, she just won the discussion.
posted by Hactar at 8:00 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


This morning I had a fried egg and arugula sandwich. I put mayonnaise on one slice of toast and sriracha on the other. If I wanted to go out in the snow and pay somebody twelve bucks I could have had an egg sandwich with sriracha mayonnaise. I forgot: mixing is magic, and only paid experts can perform the magick of branding.
posted by kozad at 8:05 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Very interesting!
posted by mustardayonnaise at 8:16 AM on May 9 [13 favorites]


This was inevitable after the merger of Kraft, leading producer of Mayo and bottled salad dressings, and Heinz, number one in ketchup who has been trying for years to extend its influence over mustard and relish. I don't know whether to look forward with anticipation or fear the potential mergers with Lea & Perrins (Worcesternaise?) or Huy Fong (Srirachup?). Of course, if they have already gotten into Kraft's dressings lines, then Franch is inevitable, as are Thousand Ranch and Green Cheese (a mix of Blue Cheese and Green Goddess). And don't get me started on their bright red super-sweet Catalina. Or the fact that Kraft is sill marketing Philadelphia Cream Cheese.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:20 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


Coincidentally, I'm coming out with an artisanal blend of salt and pepper, named Palt.

A variant for East Indian cuisine is currently in development that also includes curry powder...we're thinking of calling it Paltry
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:39 AM on May 9 [7 favorites]


What? No mayonaise with applesauce?
posted by fregoli at 8:39 AM on May 9


ALL RIGHT THATS IT IVE HAD IT YOU KIDS EAT YOUR DINNER OR LEAVE THE TABLE RIGHT NOW

ok, fine I agree bacon dipped in mayonnaise *is* delicious



^^^this actually happened at our dinner table this week
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:06 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


This was inevitable after the merger of Kraft, leading producer of Mayo and bottled salad dressings, and Heinz, number one in ketchup who has been trying for years to extend its influence over mustard and relish. I don't know whether to look forward with anticipation or fear the potential mergers with Lea & Perrins (Worcesternaise?) or Huy Fong (Srirachup?). Of course, if they have already gotten into Kraft's dressings lines, then Franch is inevitable, as are Thousand Ranch and Green Cheese (a mix of Blue Cheese and Green Goddess).

This new Game of Thrones spin-off is mighty specific.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:15 AM on May 9 [7 favorites]


cordwainonnaise
linebarbecue sauce
the ranchstrumentality of mankind

how'm I doing
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:16 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]


ranshonyagger
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:28 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Condemnents obvsly.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 9:34 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


Worcestershire + ketchup = wretchup
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 9:38 AM on May 9 [13 favorites]


thousand kranchlands
posted by poffin boffin at 9:47 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]


Well, I make my own "sauce" for grilling chicken. It is a combination of whatever random BBQ sauces, hot sauces & mustard bottles that are currently half-empty in the fridge. Add to that my special blend of spices (also random, but powered garlic and fresh ground pepper and hot pepper flakes are a must)... oh - and Worcestershire ... and Soy...

But the final, super-secret ingredient is carefully added by eyeballing the entire mixture's volume and then pouring into that, at least half the amount of real Maple Syrup.

Never had a complaint, have had many compliments...

But, adding mayo? Yeah... No, never... Nor relish... (shudders)
posted by jkaczor at 9:47 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


This is an enjoyable thread, but I am a cranky geezer.
Store brand Ketchup is $1.89 for 32 oz. 94¢/ pound
Store Brand Traditional Yellow Mustard 8 Oz. $1.78/ pound
Real Mayonnaise $2.69 30 Oz. $2.87/Per quart
Heinz Mayomust Saucy Sauce Squeeze 16.5 Oz. $3.59 $3.48/ pound

The grocery business runs on shelf space, and this is a bid for more shelf space. There are a number of varieties of mayo, and all I want is Real Mayo - olive oil or other tasty oil is fine, but reduced fat is a horrible deception, full of sugar and nope. Even in my incipient dotage, it is still within my powers to mix some (real) mayo and mustard. Maybe some Nance's sweet-hot mustard, excellent with salami on a triscuit. Shedd's Old-Style Sauce has vanished and is much lamented by every shaved ham or turkey sandwich, but there's a recipe in the link with mayo, horseradish, and a little ketchup. The grocery may have shelf space to sell, but my fridge door space is not unlimited.
posted by theora55 at 9:51 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


> thousand kranchlands

This sounds like a horrible f2p rpg.
posted by lucidium at 9:52 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


Ranch dressing is one of the mother sauces of American cuisine.

"Ranch dressing, industrial grade".... (Cat Food Sandwiches... David Lindley)
posted by jkaczor at 9:54 AM on May 9


Oh... And it's not only American's who have issues with mayo... ("it's good for you...", pre-dinner snack...)
posted by jkaczor at 9:58 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


the fact that americans are largely not huge fans of delicious chutneys is just another grotesque crime and failure of colonization on the part of the british. the one good thing you could have left us. but no. we got white supremacy instead.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:03 AM on May 9 [13 favorites]


Heh... oh, and Heinz is a dirty-word in our household now - thanks to their Ontario mistakes, never thought I would switch my ketchup brand - but...
posted by jkaczor at 10:11 AM on May 9


powered garlic

That's pretty much any garlic, isn't it?
;)
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 AM on May 9 [4 favorites]


Let's get the hell outta here!!!!
posted by downtohisturtles at 10:24 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


All pale before the shining paragon of wasabonaise

Needs more Vegemite.
posted by flabdablet at 10:25 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


But, adding mayo (to BBQ sauce)? Yeah... No, never... Nor relish... (shudders)

This is why I love living in a diverse area:
mayo (or ranch) on pizza? regularly done by Hispanics and I'm pretty sure used to be regularly available at Pizza Patron (I don't think so anymore and they don't take pesos either).
siracha mayo or siracha catsup? The Asian grocery store has many versions
Mayo + bbq sauce? that's 'Alabama style' or something like it, and it's actually pretty good.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:38 AM on May 9


If they start doing a legit domestic curry ketchup I'm down.

I'm also down for all the rest of these.

Every time I hear a novice say something like "ew fish sauce" at a SE Asian restaurant I silently chant "worchestershire" at them until I'm done.

Condiments are awesome. Clamato should really do a paste version.
posted by aspersioncast at 10:38 AM on May 9


"Mayochup" is what my friend in South America called "Fancy Sauce" which was used on sandwiches, hot dogs, for dipping chips, etc. Just eyeball a mix of ketchup and mayonnaise, stir, and serve. No party was complete without it.

Personally, I am a big fan of gochujang or sriracha mixed into ketchup as straight Heinz ketchup has always been too sweet for me.
posted by arachnidette at 10:47 AM on May 9


Ctrl-F : Mr Show. Thank you for the obligatory.

Mustmayosturdonnaise
posted by symbioid at 10:51 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Chicken Dijon: chicken breast spread with mayonnaise and whole grain mustard. Perfectly normal.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 11:04 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


I silently chant "worchestershire" at them

What is "worchestershire"? Is it anything like nuoc mam?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:05 AM on May 9


No. This recipe looks to me like it would make a plausible approximation.

Fun fact: though spelt "Worcestershire" it's pronounced "wooster" (oo as in wool, not as in rooster). Not "woostershire" either; just "wooster".
posted by flabdablet at 11:41 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Mayo + bbq sauce? that's 'Alabama style' or something like it, and it's actually pretty good.

I think Alabama BBQ is a mayo-based sauce but it isn't just mayo + a tomato-based sauce. It's its own thing. Not that I think that invalidates the idea that the blend would also be tasty; just clarifying.
posted by Sequence at 11:46 AM on May 9


Oh, and the fishy note in proper Worcestershire sauce is from anchovies.
posted by flabdablet at 11:46 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


College of Wooster represent!
posted by slogger at 11:54 AM on May 9


Chicken Dijon: chicken breast spread with mayonnaise and whole grain mustard. Perfectly normal.

I'll be the first to admit that some of my foodways are primitive and superstition-bound, but the very idea of cooking mayonaise--be it on a breast or slathered on grilled cheese bread--just seems so very wrong that I get the vapors just imagining it...
posted by Chrischris at 12:23 PM on May 9


I'll be the first to admit that some of my foodways are primitive and superstition-bound, but the very idea of cooking mayonaise--be it on a breast or slathered on grilled cheese bread--just seems so very wrong that I get the vapors just imagining it...

I was with you until I started actually making lots of grilled cheeses.
posted by madcaptenor at 12:38 PM on May 9 [3 favorites]


Mayo does seem to make the bread more "crisp/toasty" when used on a grill cheese. (And for me, far easier to spread as I keep my butter in the fridge like a heathen)
posted by jkaczor at 12:52 PM on May 9 [2 favorites]


Am I the only one who caught the Cordwainer Smith reference?

You were not. You do not live in vain.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 12:53 PM on May 9 [2 favorites]


I'm no enemy of mayo (though most of the combos mentioned in this thread are ridiculous), but I find that replacing butter with mayo on grilled cheese sandwiches is the opposite of an improvement and makes the sandwich taste greasy. You kids can just get off my sweet buttery lawn.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:57 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]


As long as they don't mix relish and mustard in the wrong order...
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 1:06 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]


I love this thread and I love you all, and now I'm having a confusing craving for things dipped in other things.
posted by beandip at 3:35 PM on May 9 [5 favorites]


now I'm having a confusing craving for things dipped in other things.
posted by beandip

Well, I'll be eponydipped.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:47 PM on May 9 [6 favorites]


My 6-year-old was so smitten by this article, and I was so desperate to get him eating after a virus that we went to the store today to buy some Kranch. Alas, there was no Kranch to be found at our local grocery store, so we bought some frozen chicken nuggets and French fries and went home to make our own Kranch. He gave it two thumbs up, his highest rating. I tried it and gagged.

It will be made again and again, I’m sure.
posted by Maarika at 4:12 PM on May 9 [2 favorites]


I used to work in a rather pretentious Devon restaurant in the 70s, and one of their specialities was prawn cocktail with Mary-Rose sauce. Mary-Rose sauce was a 50:50 mix of tomato ketchup and mayonnaise. I still like it on peeled cooked prawns, with a bit of Worcestershire sauce to posh it up a bit.
posted by Fuchsoid at 4:26 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]


Also I feel the need to point out that kraft mayos are awful and any mayo + x combination must use Kewpie mayonnaise. It's such a superior product in every way. In fact, I think all other mayonnaise may need to be outlawed.

This may actually be the hill I plan to die on.
posted by ananci at 6:19 PM on May 9


on the extremely rare occasions when i feel mayonnaise is called for on a food item i am consuming i just make my own and it is far better than anything i have ever bought in a store. plus all the exercise of whisking it for 10,000 years means you can have as much as you want.

see also: whipped cream, which should not have added sugar in it.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:47 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]


Interesting...I made my own mayo once shortly after getting a stick blender; while that process worked a treat, creating a very dense concentrated mayonnaise product, it didn't taste different enough from store-bought to make it worth my bother. I used extra-virgin olive oil and I think just egg yolks, along with fresh lemon juice, so I can't fault my ingredients. I'm honestly curious why the home-made product didn't wow me. Then again mayo isn't a significant factor in my diet outside of sandwiches, which tend to have enough other ingredients that the mayo recedes into the background, so who knows.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:17 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]


That said, homemade whipped cream is definitely superior, even when "cheating" by using a stick blender.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:17 PM on May 9 [2 favorites]


I can’t find Dijonaisse anywhere except at the sandwich counter at Mel’s Market, on the 3rd Ave Level in downtown Seattle. They must mix it themselves, but they still ask if you want Dijonaisse.
posted by lhauser at 7:33 PM on May 9


a stick blender is CHEATING, you are proscribed
posted by poffin boffin at 7:48 PM on May 9


I'm cool with that. The only discernible difference between stick-blended food and manually-whipped food is a bit of sweat, and adding a pinch of sea salt covers that gap handily.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:20 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]




whipped cream, which should not have added sugar in it

unless it also has some cocoa powder.
posted by flabdablet at 1:56 AM on May 10


i only recently became aware that people dip their pizza into ranch dressing and it's made me feel not better exactly but at least more resigned about the state of things lately
Could be worse. My grandkids picked this up from their parents so I am blocked from releasing the full power of my cane-waving sarcasm on the practice.

As an aside, one of the many times MF has wronged me is the one where I tried making a grilled cheese with mayonnaise vs. butter. Beyond hideous. I understand tastes are personal, but my person must differ radically from the mayo-grilled-cheese persons. But some of the other combos in this thread sound great and my to-try list is now brimming.

Cecil’s in St. Paul serves “bird sauce” on one of their sandwiches. It is apparently A Thing because a coworker says his folks use it. It’s mayo and mustard. I far prefer “bird sauce” to some random mashup like “m’muasi”. Which actually was supposed to be a gag but sounds better than the names the marketers came up with....
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:33 AM on May 10 [2 favorites]


I'm still waiting for Ketchup and Sriracha, or as I would call it, Krach.
posted by hilberseimer at 7:24 AM on May 10 [1 favorite]


hilberseimer: "I'm still waiting for Ketchup and Sriracha, or as I would call it, Krach."

I'm pretty sure I've seen this in my (chain, very white) grocery store.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 7:29 AM on May 10


Srirachup (sadly no longer available).
posted by Lexica at 9:11 AM on May 10


hilberseimer: "I'm still waiting for Ketchup and Sriracha, or as I would call it, Krach."

I'm pretty sure I've seen this in my (chain, very white) grocery store.


There are multiple brands selling this. Example, example, example.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:54 AM on May 10


"Mayomust" may be the most unappetizing word I have read in a long time. And the idea of ranch dressing and ketchup mixed gave me a full-body shudder.
posted by sarcasticah at 11:18 AM on May 10 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: I am blocked from releasing the full power of my cane-waving sarcasm
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:59 PM on May 10 [1 favorite]


"Mayomust" may be the most unappetizing word I have read in a long time.

It’s made from mayo and that tarry substance male elephants in rut sweat out.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:03 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]


Oh, well, when you put it that way it sounds just fine!
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:10 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]


I won't be happy until there's ChupaChupschup
posted by scruss at 7:42 PM on May 10 [6 favorites]


Amateurs! Where’s mayojang? Mayonnaise and go chu jang. Or mayu? Mayonnaise and shoyu.
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 9:20 PM on May 11


the fishy note in proper Worcestershire sauce is from anchovies.
Spelling aside, that was the point.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:07 AM on May 16




"Mayomust" may be the most unappetizing word I have read in a long time.

Goes great with turducken.
posted by Segundus at 10:23 AM on May 18 [2 favorites]


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