"I am the Joneses. You cannot ever keep up with me."

December 19, 2019 11:29 AM

Ex-Deadspinner Drew Magary (previously) has published the 2019 edition of his annual Hater’s Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog. Previouslies: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012
posted by tonycpsu (39 comments total)

D'oh. Missed a previously: 2018.
posted by tonycpsu at 11:30 AM on December 19, 2019

Mod note: Amended!
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:31 AM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Capitalism tried to stop it. But it cannot be stopped.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:32 AM on December 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

Every Christmas, Williams-Sonoma assumes you’re horny for tartan. Like you put on a kilt and affect a Scottish brogue and scream AYE YA WEE LADS AND LASSES! WITHOOT BOREDARE LINNUNS, THIS HULLIDAY IS SHITE!!! There must be tartan, and there must also be decorative berries that are poisonous if spotted out in the wild. That’s Christmas, baby. I like to play bagpipes in the nude and then decorate my walls with thorny brambles for unsuspecting guests to accidentally brush against. Pairs well with my contempt for society in general.
posted by emjaybee at 11:50 AM on December 19, 2019 [6 favorites]

It's the most wonderful time of the year.
posted by slogger at 12:08 PM on December 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

The rule of thumb is that if Starbucks offers a particular flavor, that flavor already died and went to boomer heaven.

This is what I needed other than Baby Yoda memes.
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:12 PM on December 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

Look I think we can all agree it’s important to keep Cremoso away from the ‘Twas bucket.
posted by Drumhellz at 12:15 PM on December 19, 2019 [11 favorites]

i don't like those cakes that bleed candy when you cut them
posted by poffin boffin at 12:16 PM on December 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

also if i was in someone's house and saw they had that $4500 coffee maker i would rob them immediately
posted by poffin boffin at 12:20 PM on December 19, 2019 [19 favorites]

oh sure thats pretty evil but I would use their $4500 coffee maker to make decaf. BWAH HAH HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!
posted by supermedusa at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

Pairs well with my contempt for society in general.
posted by corvikate at 12:53 PM on December 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

oh i wouldn't steal the coffee maker, that's the only thing i would leave behind
posted by poffin boffin at 1:04 PM on December 19, 2019 [8 favorites]

I dunno, Cremoso sounds more like a coffee partnership with a crematorium to me . . . though I suppose keeping someone else's loved ones ashes away from the twas bucket is still important.
posted by carrioncomfort at 1:10 PM on December 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

Is there a Donald Trump pop-up version of the Storm Trooper Toaster? If there was, it would probably BURN ALL THE TOAST! no matter the setting.

[Materialist Disclaimer: we bought an Instant Pot (basically a pressurized, digitally controlled Crock Pot) a few years ago and like it a lot.]
posted by cenoxo at 1:34 PM on December 19, 2019

Williams-Sonoma really needs to up its game. I mean, sure, W-S has a $600 blender, but is it from Dolce & Gabbana?

Last year The Bay was heavily advertising a bunch of Smeg appliances decorated by Dolce. Like this toaster, which was $800. I posted on Facebook suggesting that my friends could just send me $800, instead.

This year, The Bay is heavily advertising those appliances again, but the range is bigger. This time there's that $800 toaster, an $1900 stand mixer or a TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLAR RANGE.

(Range hood not included.)
posted by jacquilynne at 1:52 PM on December 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

There was something magical about visiting the store page for the TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLAR RANGE and being presented with a $10 off coupon for signing up for their newsletter.
posted by FakeFreyja at 2:25 PM on December 19, 2019 [25 favorites]

The regular Smeg toaster is a couple of hundred bucks. I'm surprised the D&G one would be so much more. I guess it's like that $900 Star Wars Le Creueset pot.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:31 PM on December 19, 2019

Perhaps “SMEG” is not the best name for food mixers and other kitchen appliances? While their retro style refrigerators are cool with wraparound edges and bright colors, their Italian and Union Jack flag models look like military coffins.
posted by cenoxo at 2:35 PM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

I've gotten a dumb giggle every time I've seen a Smeg brand appliance in the background of a Bake-Off episode. It'd be kind of amazing to have a Red Dwarf cast episode.
posted by cortex at 2:41 PM on December 19, 2019 [10 favorites]

This time there's that $800 toaster, an $1900 stand mixer or a TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLAR RANGE.

so like how far are we as a society from a $10,000 toaster that makes toast but also has a specific setting to just like. remotely kill someone making minimum wage.
posted by poffin boffin at 3:10 PM on December 19, 2019 [7 favorites]

Smeg! Smeg!
posted by mikeand1 at 3:20 PM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Just because I’m bad at letting things go, and from the realm of shooting your leg off to spite your foot (it’s a new mixed metaphor, and I quite like it), page views at Deadspin went from nearly 20 million in September to 2 million in November, as one of the sites former writers posted recently on Twitter, noting that the last article posted was on November 4th. Most responses to that were people chiming in to say that they were responsible for a good number of those page views out of muscle memory, visiting the site on autopilot before remembering that it’s literally dead, or others talking about going back and reading the good old articles because they never know when the site will just go offline for good.

I’d like to think the traffic bump Vice is getting from hosting Magary’s content is an unpleasant thorn in Herb Spanfeller’s eye, but I imagine he’s pretty well insulated from any actual fallout from gutting the websites he bought, which continue to bleed talent.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:16 PM on December 19, 2019 [11 favorites]

Are $20 BB8 ice cube molds kitsch? Is kitsch dead?
posted by muddgirl at 4:53 PM on December 19, 2019

From the same writer: I know I’m insanely lucky to have survived all this. I looked it up: Your odds of surviving a subdural hematoma are roughly 50/50: Anton Chigurh flipping your quarter and demanding you call it.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 5:28 PM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

He's so damn quotable:
There is a holy trinity of thoughtless yuppie gifts, and they are all mildly scented

These are auto-regifts. You should have just gotten your old lady a gift card to TJ Maxx instead. This is the same kind of shit they sell in the back of that store anyway.

I'll totally take a $20k range but I'd rather have the La Cornue.
posted by vespabelle at 5:41 PM on December 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

Ah, the annual Hater's Guide to the W-S catalogue, which always makes me cackle non-stop while simultaneously guiltily lusting after some of W-S's pretty tableware.
posted by orange swan at 5:50 PM on December 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

OMG! It's really the most wonderful time of the year. Now to read the article.
posted by medusa at 6:39 PM on December 19, 2019

For $4500 you could find a homeless person and give them $250 a month a year for a cheap room and ask them to bring you a $4 coffee a day for a year in return. Weird and problematic but provides a sense of scale.
posted by freecellwizard at 7:11 PM on December 19, 2019 [10 favorites]

OH SHIT ARE THOSE REAL TWASES? If they aren’t, I storm right back out and leave a fresh turd on the welcome mat.

I very much want to believe this really happened.
posted by scratch at 7:45 PM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm just glad his brain is working this year.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:49 PM on December 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: We have the technology in our hands to clean the atmosphere, cure cancer, and build robots that shovel snow. But instead of using that technology to achieve such goals, our brightest minds are currently deploying it to cook elaborate pea foams, help Nazis find each other online, and manufacture wine glasses that will survive Aunt Petunia drunkenly walking from the kitchen to the foyer. What a goddamn waste.

Wasn't expecting to find a blisteringly accurate summary of everything wrong with our world in the Hater's Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog.
posted by medusa at 7:51 PM on December 19, 2019 [9 favorites]

aaahhhhh I wait for this post every year
posted by jameaterblues at 8:58 PM on December 19, 2019

Hey, I don't mean to spoil all of the holiday fun, but I have a very important question:

DOES ANYONE WANT ANY SMEGGIN' TOAST!?
posted by loquacious at 10:46 PM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

And to be honest I'm usually kind of horny for tartan.
posted by loquacious at 10:50 PM on December 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

So glad it found a home at Vice!
posted by ellieBOA at 2:49 AM on December 20, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm enjoying the periodic digs at the Peloton commercial.
posted by soundguy99 at 5:37 AM on December 20, 2019 [2 favorites]

Wasn't expecting to find a blisteringly accurate summary of everything wrong with our world in the Hater's Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog.

That’s the thing, this is a yearly column, and that blisteringly accurate summary has been going on for years. Welcome to the party, comrade.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:32 AM on December 20, 2019 [2 favorites]

DOES ANYONE WANT ANY SMEGGIN' TOAST!?
Given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also infinite...would you like a toasted teacake?
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:31 AM on December 20, 2019 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: operated by an army of dwarf Ina Gartens

Also here to confess that I did buy a $20 Fraser fir-scented candle this holiday season, but in my defense it came from a legit small business craft fair at the local rec center and makes me feel better about caving and buying an artificial tree.
posted by Flannery Culp at 8:51 AM on December 20, 2019 [3 favorites]