Rolling rolling rolling

November 3, 2022 4:13 AM

In the early years of the 20th century, pioneering inventors began the quest to fulfill humankind's greatest transport dream: motorized roller skates. Some used a V-twin engine, 2-stroke lawnmower engine, drills, jetpack or segway but could the future be an electric moonwalk?
posted by TheophileEscargot (30 comments total)

I like the general lack of breaks; it makes motorized skates a self-regulating problem….
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:51 AM on November 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

This is perfect. For what, I'm not sure, but perfect.
posted by Literaryhero at 5:05 AM on November 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

Surely future cities will be designed around this device
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:17 AM on November 3, 2022 [4 favorites]

These are dumb and unsafe, but not intrinsically; because of our built environment. Drivers will see someone "walking" across the street with these and underestimate how fast they're moving and will wind up maiming/killing the wearers much more frequently than they do regular slow pedestrians. I think it's a neat idea but drivers are fucking idiots (read: ordinary distractible, fallible, error-prone humans operating a deadly machine).

Let's not turn this thread into another anti-car screed, but that's what my analysis of these shoes leads me to think: these are "hit me" foot-wear, and little tiny reflective stripes aren't going to help.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:57 AM on November 3, 2022

For sale: robot shoes, never used.
posted by chavenet at 5:57 AM on November 3, 2022 [5 favorites]

I do find it extremely disturbing how much violence the comments here are prepared to wish upon anyone who chooses to wear these.

Electric roller skates: an elegant mobility aid, for a more civilized age.
posted by ambrosen at 6:06 AM on November 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

I do find it extremely disturbing how much violence the comments here are prepared to wish upon anyone who chooses to wear these.

I do find it extremely disturbing that you're projecting malevolence onto real and (IMO) completely justified concern. Drivers can be idiots; they can be idiots WRT cyclists, who have been around for longer than internal combustion engine-driven vehicles.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:12 AM on November 3, 2022 [3 favorites]

In our history of the art, let's not forget ACME products.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:18 AM on November 3, 2022 [3 favorites]

Surely future cities will be designed around this device

The planners of The Line will now be able to realize their dream of actually banning walking.
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:22 AM on November 3, 2022

I've been laughing at these for a week, (1) they insist they are NOT roller skates, (2) their elegant design looks like Tevas (3) they were designed for a men's shoe size 9-12, but don't worry they tested down to a woman's 7...

Anyway I would never wear these because I would face plant within half an hour but I look forward to seeing a few silicon valley tech bros commuting in these along with all the other overpriced breakthrough personal transportation devices.
posted by muddgirl at 6:43 AM on November 3, 2022

Looks like an excellent way to break bones. Yours, and those of the people you run into.
posted by emjaybee at 6:48 AM on November 3, 2022

For sale: robot shoes, never used.

Estate sale: robot shoes, used once.
posted by moonmilk at 7:03 AM on November 3, 2022 [13 favorites]

I like this and I'd like to see them in action and try them (I know better than to try the mono-wheel, because I'd break my neck within 20 minutes. Or get hit by a car. Or both).
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:12 AM on November 3, 2022

I surmise that Tom Hancocks, of High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, was a forgotten member of Monty Python. Or perhaps it's the Pathé copywriter.

from the Youtube description: "Various shots of [Tom] zipping along a suburban street with his daughter perched on the back. She is perched somewhat precariously and has an excellent hairdo."
posted by mr vino at 7:20 AM on November 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

In a slightly more positive vein, I do like Mike Dreschler’s look with the shades, sports coat, and straps.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:29 AM on November 3, 2022

Couple more things: Segway previously on the blue (with links to previousliers), with a lot of discussion about how they fit in (or, often, didn't) in the existing (mostly-)urban landscape. I think that a lot of that discussion is relevant here; in particular, whether or not there really is a place anywhere in particular for people who want to zoom along on their $1100 motorized skates.

Also, the original comic book Iron Man had jet skates.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:48 AM on November 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

Disclosure: I'm not capable of skating or skateboarding myself. I'm an old grouch any my body is probably 85% sour grapes at this point.

I've pondered why motorized roller skates have never been a popular thing, even though it's been technically possible to make some variation work for quite a long time. Then I saw this video (the audio is fouled up, you might be happier turning it off). Those are a whole bunch of motorized roller skates, and they're working fine. And they look like no fun at all. Not as carefree as a bike ride, not as dynamic as a skate or skateboard ride. Motorized skates sound like fun, but seeing those guys, I find myself thinking: I bet that would make my back sore.
posted by Western Infidels at 7:53 AM on November 3, 2022

More generally, for electric urban commuting in downtown core Toronto, the Ninebot/razer scooter types seem the most prevalent. I see delivery drivers most often using ebikes of either the moped or vespa type. I will guess that the foldability of the Ninebots lets people fold their property up and take it inside, while the enhanced speed and range of the ebike is better for gig delivery, who only leave them for a couple of minutes at a time. I see a few uniwheels but they're rare. I expect I'll see a few of these around town sooner or later, but this is a bad time of year to be coming out with new wheeled transport in Canada with winter (theoretically) setting in soon. I think salt would probably kill these shoes more or less instantly.

I note that electric razer types are illegal on our streets, and we do not have a local rental company, so those riding them are riding their own, and at the (essentially zero) risk of Toronto cops giving a shit what anyone on the roads does. Most of the riders here do keep them to the streets or bike lanes, but a few irritating idiots will sidle them through uncrowded sidewalks.

I have a Brompton regular bike but I just don't feel safe enough riding it for fun. I don't think any other kind of small motorized transport would make me feel any safer. That's just me, though. I haven't any commute at all to speak of. If I needed to go somewhere on the daily my calculations would likely change.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:57 AM on November 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

I don't know how practical the Shift Moonwalkers are, but they sure do look like fun!

I grew up roller skating; we lived in a large house with an empty basement apartment that centered around a huge, hard-floored hallway. It's hard to judge such things in the hazy memory of a smallish person, but it was wide enough to put an upright piano and a couple of chairs along the end wall, and long enough to open onto five small rooms, so I know it must have been pretty big. It was my sister's and my private roller rink. Hardly a day went by when we didn't put in at least an hour of skating. (And, of course, my skates were of the "you'll grow into them" variety, so for at least a year I wore 'em with an extra pair of socks stuffed into the toe.)

The last time I was on skates I broke my hip and had to have it put back together with five screws, so my wheee! days are probably over. But the Moonwalkers look almost safe enough for even me to use. Not out on the bumpy sidewalk in regular foot traffic, but maybe on a closed course.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:11 AM on November 3, 2022

I'm pretty sure 2000AD comic invented these in the early 80s.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 8:19 AM on November 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

WRONG SHOES, GROMIT!
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:23 AM on November 3, 2022 [3 favorites]

I saw the kickstarter for those moonwalkers last week and cycled through a few reactions:
- Those look fun
- Those look ridiculous
- Holy crap those are expensive

Seriously I do think the use case for them is problematic. If you're on a crowded sidewalk, using these will make you an asshole. If you're in an area where very few people walk, a bike is probably a better vehicle anyhow. Six miles (the range) is a lot of walking for most people, but again, if you're trying to get somewhere quickly, you need to cover some distance, and other vehicles are probably better. I also look at those tiny wheels and imagine they can only be used comfortably on glassy smooth pavement.

But if a pair magically appeared, I'd find a parking lot and try them out.
posted by adamrice at 9:24 AM on November 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

Speaking of sidewalks these were developed on Pittsburgh PA where it is easy to find some examples of bad sidewalks. There is a video of using them on such a sidewalk where the rider is very adept at stepping over or going around the bumpy bits. In that particular sense maybe it is better than a scooter (which should be on the street) or a skateboard. But their claim that it works perfectly fine on bumpy sidewalks is pretty suspect.
posted by muddgirl at 11:01 AM on November 3, 2022

As someone who's thrown himself pretty hard into learning to rollerskate over the last 6 months:

Nope nope nope nope NOOOPITY NOPE!

My inability to go faster than my current top speed (on sidewalks, at least) has absolutely 0% to do with a need for more propulsion.
posted by gurple at 12:18 PM on November 3, 2022

What if you had rollerblades with brakes, just like hand-activated brakes (perhaps reversed, so you had to hold the trigger to disable the brakes) -- and that had a ratchet/clutch that would not allow the wheels to roll backwards, so when you pushed your foot back (when you walked) it was like your foot was planted, like pushing off as in a skateboard. Why would you need a motor? If it had decent wheels and bearings, why couldn't you go pretty fast?

I guess I'm wondering how what I've described above is less safer or less capable than the $1100 product above, and if it is a reasonable product, why haven't we heard of it, and if we haven't heard of it, maybe that means it's a really bad idea and people will get hurt?

I dunno, I kind of want to try it....
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:20 PM on November 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

They make basically that for kids, and I see clutched bearings for roller skates/roller blades & roller blade brakes. But I don't know if anyone has put it all together.
posted by muddgirl at 1:29 PM on November 3, 2022

I am part of the Survivorship Bias of the classic 20th-Century childhood, which in my case included trying someone's homebrew combustion-engine-powered skateboard (wicked!), which was great fun until the throttle got stuck fully open.

So I was flying down the road faced the dilemma of whether to jump off now and probably stumble and plant into asphalt, or stay safely on the still-accelerating skateboard and deal with the problem later... at which point the speed would be even higher (and the planting harder.)

I was saved from the decision by running out of road and having to devote all my attention to staying on the board while negotiating the 90-degree turn in the road at scary speed. I couldn't see if a car was coming the other way, it turned out that fortunately none were.

Anyway, I somehow survived the 20th century and it was awesome
posted by Cusp at 1:31 PM on November 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

I know from roller skates and skateboards and razor scooters that solid plastic wheels are fine for a smooth, well-paved surface. But any kind of bumpy surface and rough road makes it a jittery, bumpy, miserable experience. I doubt there’s any reasonable way to install tiny inflatable tires on this (do they even exist?), but the solid wheel factor alone would be a dealbreaker for me.
posted by zardoz at 3:54 PM on November 3, 2022

What no 7 league boots?! I kind of like those moonwalkers, though mostly they remind of the moving sidewalks at the airport.
posted by evilDoug at 7:39 PM on November 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

The problem with ratchet skates is that as soon as you are moving, the ratchet no longer works. By the second step you would have to use the edge of the skate to push forward anyway, so the ratchet just buys you the single first step. These skates simulate a ratchet in the skater's frame of reference, preventing the down skate from moving backwards in the skater's frame of reference no matter what their speed relative to the ground (up to 6mph or whatever it is).

But again, all this buys you is not having to turn your skate slightly to the side to use the edge to push. And it does nothing for the fundamental problem of skating in dense cities, which is the occasional need to stop quickly.
posted by chortly at 6:21 PM on November 4, 2022 [1 favorite]