"he’s really quite good-looking for a guy in his 40s."
May 4, 2023 12:04 AM Subscribe
Someone sent Slate's 'How to Do It' column a barely disguised Star Trek: DS9 plot synopsis:
The Wife I’m a Surrogate for Wants Me to Spend More Time With Her Husband. That’s a Very Bad Idea.
I’m a 21-year-old woman, and I’m seven months pregnant at the time of writing this. My boyfriend is on deployment, and while he was away, I decided to surrogate for a couple that lives in the area. The money is better than anything I could make otherwise, and part of the contract I signed meant that I moved in with “Miles” and his wife, rent-free and for much nicer accommodations than I could find on the market.
The couple I’m carrying for is super sweet and some of the friendliest people I’ve ever met, which is starting to turn into a problem. I’m sure it’s just a combination of pregnancy hormones, my boyfriend being away, and having a little too much free time, but I’ve found myself fantasizing about Miles. It doesn’t help that his wife, “Keiko,” keeps pushing us to spend more time together when she’s not hanging out with me. Nothing overtly sexual has happened, but sometimes he does this thing where he rubs my ankles (the swelling’s bad), and it just feels so unbelievably good. In my more rational moments, I can tell that this is very definitely a Bad Idea. But I’m living in his house, and he’s really quite good-looking for a guy in his 40s. And a few times I’ve “let my hands slip” to rub at his shoulders or chest. He always gently asks me to stop after a moment, but I know I’m on the verge of losing control here. How do I stop thinking about this guy?
What DS9 episode is this? Or is she simply using DS9 pseudonyms?
posted by johngoren at 12:34 AM on May 4, 2023
posted by johngoren at 12:34 AM on May 4, 2023
"Body Parts" , Season 4 Episode 24:
Meanwhile, the pregnant Keiko O'Brien is injured in a runabout accident; to save both her and the pregnancy, Dr. Bashir performs emergency surgery to transfer the fetus into Major Kira's body. Kira has no problem with being a surrogate mother, but Keiko and her husband Miles are at first uncomfortable with the thought of another woman carrying their child. They eventually come to terms with it, and ask Kira to move in with them so they can be closer to the child.posted by Pachylad at 12:46 AM on May 4, 2023 [12 favorites]
Dear How To Do It,
I was recently diagnosed with a rare terminal illness that only affects one in five million. The news was so sudden, my doctor only gave me six days to live! As the owner of a popular local watering hole, to say I needed a drink that day was an understatement. I'd built my business from the ground up, now in a few days my entire life was all going to be gone!
The reason I'm still here is my friend "Bashir". He had always been there for me before as someone in my social circle, but I'd never gone to him for medical advice before. Our conversation saved my life! Turns out my original doctor had my diagnosis completely wrong!
I went into massive debt trying to quickly settle my affairs, but thinking about "Bashir" has really given me hope through it all. He saved my life! All I want to do is repay him! But I'm scared of ruining the dynamic of our little friends group. We really do have a good thing going! Should I confess my feelings to him? Or should I keep it a secret never to be revealed?
-- Gold-Pressed Longing
posted by lock robster at 12:59 AM on May 4, 2023 [29 favorites]
I was recently diagnosed with a rare terminal illness that only affects one in five million. The news was so sudden, my doctor only gave me six days to live! As the owner of a popular local watering hole, to say I needed a drink that day was an understatement. I'd built my business from the ground up, now in a few days my entire life was all going to be gone!
The reason I'm still here is my friend "Bashir". He had always been there for me before as someone in my social circle, but I'd never gone to him for medical advice before. Our conversation saved my life! Turns out my original doctor had my diagnosis completely wrong!
I went into massive debt trying to quickly settle my affairs, but thinking about "Bashir" has really given me hope through it all. He saved my life! All I want to do is repay him! But I'm scared of ruining the dynamic of our little friends group. We really do have a good thing going! Should I confess my feelings to him? Or should I keep it a secret never to be revealed?
-- Gold-Pressed Longing
posted by lock robster at 12:59 AM on May 4, 2023 [29 favorites]
How weird. It makes me wonder if the writer of that column is using questions generated by AI. If you told an AI to generate an advice column question about a surrogate attracted to the man who fathered her child, I can totally see it finding that DS9 storyline in an online search and using it, character names and all. Either that or some DS9 fan sent it in, thinking it'd be funny.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:23 AM on May 4, 2023
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:23 AM on May 4, 2023
I'm reminded of how Ask a Manager tries to answer queries of unsure providence as if they were real things that happened to someone, as an illustration of how to think through unusual scenarios.
posted by Merus at 1:45 AM on May 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by Merus at 1:45 AM on May 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
"When a man of Scotty's years falls in love, the loneliness of his life is suddenly revealed to him." -- The Lights of Zetar
posted by johngoren at 2:16 AM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by johngoren at 2:16 AM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
I've always assumed that a lot of the questions that get asked of advice columnists are just made-up, but this is particularly blatant.
Also, there are some world-class geeks writing for Slate, I'm surprised none of them caught this.
posted by Kattullus at 2:22 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, there are some world-class geeks writing for Slate, I'm surprised none of them caught this.
posted by Kattullus at 2:22 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
“My new line manager is spending a lot of time in a worm hole communicating with god-like beings who don’t understand time” is a perfectly acceptable way of describing when your boss wants to replace you with AI
posted by The River Ivel at 2:46 AM on May 4, 2023 [33 favorites]
posted by The River Ivel at 2:46 AM on May 4, 2023 [33 favorites]
"Around the time my wife died, I went kind of out of control. The kids were taken away and adopted, and I couldn't find them anywhere. Recently I co-incidentally ran into my son - it seems my old boss told him I was dead! We got into a fight and I set him straight on the truth, but he didn't take it very well, to say the least. Now him and my daughter and their friends are hanging around my workplace causing trouble, and for some reason my new boss is pressuring me to convince him to get involved in the business. What am I to do?"
posted by Grangousier at 2:54 AM on May 4, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by Grangousier at 2:54 AM on May 4, 2023 [17 favorites]
I love advice columns and even pay for Slate so I can read their advice columns. So I've read a lot of them over the years, and have definitely read some where the advice starts out with disclaimers like... "I'm going to assume this is real because advice columnists have to give the benefit of the doubt to do our job. But what a fantastically unlikely situation you've found yourself in..."
And there have been some other fake letter scandals over the years.
As a reader I'm not really bothered. I am reading for entertainment, and its okay if I'm really getting entertained by an episode of DS9.
But I do think fake letters are unfair to the columnist (who has no choice but to take stuff at face value for the most part -- they have no way to investigate) and to other people who have written in for advice but don't get any, because their real lives are less entertaining than a made up drama.
posted by OnceUponATime at 3:41 AM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
And there have been some other fake letter scandals over the years.
As a reader I'm not really bothered. I am reading for entertainment, and its okay if I'm really getting entertained by an episode of DS9.
But I do think fake letters are unfair to the columnist (who has no choice but to take stuff at face value for the most part -- they have no way to investigate) and to other people who have written in for advice but don't get any, because their real lives are less entertaining than a made up drama.
posted by OnceUponATime at 3:41 AM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
The Deep Space Nine type fakes are just funny, but one of Slate's advice columnists (they have so many now that I don't remember if it's someone who is still writing) used to take seriously all these obviously fake "madness of the wokes" letters that would go something like "I am white and my best friend, a queer BIPOC, offered me a kidney donation to save my life, but I feel like this would be cultural appropriation and would rather die. My family urges me to accept the kidney, my friends on twitter say I should write my will. What to do?".
The inevitable template would be "well-meaning white person with no self awareness or critical thinking skills takes Extremely Culturally Left Position That No One Actually Takes" and the letters would be very obviously constructed to mock social justice concerns. Only now that I think about it do I realize that these letters seem to have tapered off - either Slate got wise to them or the writer(s) moved on.
Fake letters for comedy purposes are good, fake letters to grind a political axe are extremely fatiguing. Fake letters are obviously going to be used all the time but I'd like either comedy or some artistry in their construction, and I think columnists should feel free to give the inartistic ones a miss.
posted by Frowner at 5:12 AM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
The inevitable template would be "well-meaning white person with no self awareness or critical thinking skills takes Extremely Culturally Left Position That No One Actually Takes" and the letters would be very obviously constructed to mock social justice concerns. Only now that I think about it do I realize that these letters seem to have tapered off - either Slate got wise to them or the writer(s) moved on.
Fake letters for comedy purposes are good, fake letters to grind a political axe are extremely fatiguing. Fake letters are obviously going to be used all the time but I'd like either comedy or some artistry in their construction, and I think columnists should feel free to give the inartistic ones a miss.
posted by Frowner at 5:12 AM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
Dear Ask Me, I keep ripping my trousers! I regularly have to travel for work because my boss is a bit of a flake but every time I'm out of the office I rip something. I usually have a second pair but I'd rather not have to worry about it. So Hivemind please give me some recommendations on untearable trousers that are business casual - I need to be able to go from the office, to another quadrant to sauntering on a promenade.
posted by Ashwagandha at 5:25 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Ashwagandha at 5:25 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
The father's answer to Grangouseriers question, start fresh with a new independent joint venture with said son, as co-equal founders, would seem on it's face to be an extremely healthy approach, from the point of view of an advice columnist. It seems a pity that the son was so stubborn, but at least they reconnected in the end.
posted by bonehead at 5:37 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by bonehead at 5:37 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
If Ask a Manager's Allison suspects that a question's fake, she just emails the questioner for more information, and takes things from there.
posted by Spike Glee at 6:22 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Spike Glee at 6:22 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
The fact that this letter-writer didn't even change the character names is a fucking boss move and I am in love with them
posted by rhymedirective at 6:46 AM on May 4, 2023 [22 favorites]
posted by rhymedirective at 6:46 AM on May 4, 2023 [22 favorites]
Double strong, double sweet.
posted by Reyturner at 7:01 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Reyturner at 7:01 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Dear Slate,
I have this twin brother of mine, and we were separated at birth b/c our father (he's a genius inventor/engineer) realized our two personalities are not vibing with each other. Recently I've reconnected with him but he keeps on playing all these practical jokes where he pretends to be me. I'm concerned b/c he's a bit more emotional than I am, I'm a bit less connected to my emotions but I'm working on that. Aside from the impersonations and locking me in my closet every once in a while, the main reason I'm concerned about my relationship with my brother is that he's also grown obsessed with crystals or as he calls them, "the crystalline entity". I know crystals are popular with alot of people but I think he's just an obsessive type. What do you suggest?
posted by Fizz at 7:07 AM on May 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
I have this twin brother of mine, and we were separated at birth b/c our father (he's a genius inventor/engineer) realized our two personalities are not vibing with each other. Recently I've reconnected with him but he keeps on playing all these practical jokes where he pretends to be me. I'm concerned b/c he's a bit more emotional than I am, I'm a bit less connected to my emotions but I'm working on that. Aside from the impersonations and locking me in my closet every once in a while, the main reason I'm concerned about my relationship with my brother is that he's also grown obsessed with crystals or as he calls them, "the crystalline entity". I know crystals are popular with alot of people but I think he's just an obsessive type. What do you suggest?
posted by Fizz at 7:07 AM on May 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
The DS9 writers wrote this episode to cover up Nana Visitor's real-life pregnancy, so it's always amused me that it's Bashir who transplants the baby into Kira, because it was actually Alexander Siddig who was half responsible for the pregnancy in the first place.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:08 AM on May 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:08 AM on May 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
Milf, her cable broken! Her pizza absent, her stomach empty!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:16 AM on May 4, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:16 AM on May 4, 2023 [7 favorites]
previously:
Dear Care and Feeding,posted by BungaDunga at 7:40 AM on May 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
My husband is deployed indefinitely, and has left me in charge of our four girls. Our youngest is sick, quite dangerously so. My middle two do nothing but fight (one burned some very important papers belonging to the other, who is, to be fair, extremely dramatic about everything), and my eldest is having what I believe to be a serious flirtation with our wealthy neighbor’s tutor. My firm religious faith is helping me cope, but do you have any advice on how to remain on top of it all?
—Overwhelmed in Concord
Dear How to Do It,
Thirty-one years ago while at a family funeral I lit my grandmother's heirloom candle. That freed the spirit of a man who had been seducing my ancestors for generations. I fell in the romantic spell of the sex candle ghost but hid the inevitable outcome, my son.
I raised my son in a life as a medical mercenary, traveling to far-flung places that needed our help. Now I'm being pursued by a dabger that threatens our entire civilization. I've reached out to an old military colleague but I'm not sure if he'll help. Is it ethical for me to tell him about my ghost-begotten son but pretend it is his, so that he comes to our aid?
Sincerely, Evelyn Smasher
posted by Nelson at 8:02 AM on May 4, 2023 [27 favorites]
Thirty-one years ago while at a family funeral I lit my grandmother's heirloom candle. That freed the spirit of a man who had been seducing my ancestors for generations. I fell in the romantic spell of the sex candle ghost but hid the inevitable outcome, my son.
I raised my son in a life as a medical mercenary, traveling to far-flung places that needed our help. Now I'm being pursued by a dabger that threatens our entire civilization. I've reached out to an old military colleague but I'm not sure if he'll help. Is it ethical for me to tell him about my ghost-begotten son but pretend it is his, so that he comes to our aid?
Sincerely, Evelyn Smasher
posted by Nelson at 8:02 AM on May 4, 2023 [27 favorites]
From the defunct Riker Googling account, maybe: "are penthouse letters real"
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 9:43 AM on May 4, 2023
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 9:43 AM on May 4, 2023
Riker Googling still exists on Mastodon
posted by eckeric at 10:27 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by eckeric at 10:27 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
one of Slate's advice columnists (they have so many now that I don't remember if it's someone who is still writing) used to take seriously all these obviously fake "madness of the wokes" letters
Emily Yoffe.
She left Slate, but her battles with imagined woke threats continue unabated, e.g. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Yoffe#Controversies
posted by MrJM at 12:20 PM on May 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Emily Yoffe.
She left Slate, but her battles with imagined woke threats continue unabated, e.g. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Yoffe#Controversies
posted by MrJM at 12:20 PM on May 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Nicole Cliffe should just send all the letter writers some money and their problems would be solved.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:43 PM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 12:43 PM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
A note has been added to the top of the page on Slate:
You got us, nerds. We missed that this was from the plot of Deep Space Nine. But we stand by the advice to these fictional characters from 1996, wherever they are.posted by Kattullus at 12:58 PM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband is deployed indefinitely, and has left me in charge of our four girls. Our youngest is sick, quite dangerously so. My middle two do nothing but fight (one burned some very important papers belonging to the other, who is, to be fair, extremely dramatic about everything), and my eldest is having what I believe to be a serious flirtation with our wealthy neighbor’s tutor. My firm religious faith is helping me cope, but do you have any advice on how to remain on top of it all?
Amy was the youngest! Beth was the second youngest!
...maybe Marmee did that to keep anyone from guessing it was her family?
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:10 PM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
My husband is deployed indefinitely, and has left me in charge of our four girls. Our youngest is sick, quite dangerously so. My middle two do nothing but fight (one burned some very important papers belonging to the other, who is, to be fair, extremely dramatic about everything), and my eldest is having what I believe to be a serious flirtation with our wealthy neighbor’s tutor. My firm religious faith is helping me cope, but do you have any advice on how to remain on top of it all?
Amy was the youngest! Beth was the second youngest!
...maybe Marmee did that to keep anyone from guessing it was her family?
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:10 PM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
This is funny. I’ll admit I clicked on this post ready to share some opinions about surrogacy, so they fooled this non-Star Trek fan.
posted by vanitas at 1:22 PM on May 4, 2023
posted by vanitas at 1:22 PM on May 4, 2023
You got us, nerds.
Kind of a dick move. They're the ones who fucked up, but we're nerds for noticing!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:30 PM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
Kind of a dick move. They're the ones who fucked up, but we're nerds for noticing!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:30 PM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
"Nerd" is no longer an insult, but Trekkies are still nerds.
(I have watched every episode of the original series)
posted by OnceUponATime at 8:50 AM on May 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
(I have watched every episode of the original series)
posted by OnceUponATime at 8:50 AM on May 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: all the most boring parts of The Next Generation, but at episode length!
posted by macrone at 12:34 PM on May 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by macrone at 12:34 PM on May 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
DS9 had a former terrorist as second in command of the station, a Cardassian spy who lived on the station, an epic multi-season war with a formidable enemy that infiltrated Starfleet Command and the Klingon empire, and one of the most complex female characters ever to grace the Trek franchise (Major Kira, the former terrorist). If that's boring, I guess I like boring.
posted by creepygirl at 3:07 PM on May 5, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by creepygirl at 3:07 PM on May 5, 2023 [10 favorites]
Hey, creepygirl! I don't think I've seen you in these parts since the old DS9 threads.
Yeah, DS9 was a superb show. That whole "it's so depressing/boring/etc." thing was really prevalent when the series was airing, but it's been reappraised since and there are now plenty of folks who would tell you it's the best of all the Treks. I'm not going to make that argument because DS9, TOS and TNG are all so great in their own very different ways. (I thought Voyager was also pretty terrific but I don't know if it's anybody's favorite, while I class Enterprise with the modern Trek shows as stuff I wish I liked more than I do.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:32 PM on May 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yeah, DS9 was a superb show. That whole "it's so depressing/boring/etc." thing was really prevalent when the series was airing, but it's been reappraised since and there are now plenty of folks who would tell you it's the best of all the Treks. I'm not going to make that argument because DS9, TOS and TNG are all so great in their own very different ways. (I thought Voyager was also pretty terrific but I don't know if it's anybody's favorite, while I class Enterprise with the modern Trek shows as stuff I wish I liked more than I do.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:32 PM on May 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
Worf was always the character most in need of Slate's advice column, and also the least likely character to take said advice.
posted by daisystomper at 7:42 AM on May 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by daisystomper at 7:42 AM on May 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
I was just reading old Carolyn Hax columns, as one does, and I came across this one...
posted by OnceUponATime at 3:03 PM on May 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Dear Carolyn: I'm getting married. That's awesome. However, my parents want me to ask my brother to be my best man. [...]
He outed me as gay in high school; I'm bi, but that was hard to explain to an idiot who wanted to beat me up in the toilets. He told everyone I was the reason he was in a wheelchair because I pushed him downstairs once (it was not). Mum convinced me to put hand controls in my car so he could learn to drive, and he crashed the car on purpose after a fight with me.
Say no to the brother as best man, let your parents have their fit if that’s how they choose to handle your showy display of mental health, and please, please consider talking to a good family therapist about your family. Because, wow.
And if I just answered the plot of a movie that everyone has seen except me, then please treat me gently. Thanks.
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posted by They sucked his brains out! at 12:26 AM on May 4, 2023 [22 favorites]