Viz Top Tips

December 15, 2004 4:46 PM

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Not sure if this will appeal to American tastes, but some Top Tips from British satirical mag Viz are a wonderful excursion from work, reality, etc. Some other favourites are: "DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive." and "A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency." Enjoy.
posted by milkwood (13 comments total)

[this is pretty funny]
posted by neckro23 at 4:49 PM on December 15, 2004

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Do they have to be frozen?
posted by billysumday at 5:14 PM on December 15, 2004

"Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her."

*cackle*
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:22 PM on December 15, 2004

An favorite of mine missing from this list: "Why waste money on expensive cashews? Make your own by soaking everyday peanuts in water overnight, then hang tiny weights from each end."
posted by cali at 5:27 PM on December 15, 2004

And don't forget the online Profanisaurus, previously linked here.
posted by cali at 5:35 PM on December 15, 2004

My favorite: MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
posted by letitrain at 5:56 PM on December 15, 2004

[this is not as funny as it used to be]

(unless you know VIZ, that's probably not as funny as it might be)
posted by scruss at 6:35 PM on December 15, 2004

Save money on chewing gum simply by using an elastic band and some toothpaste!
posted by fingerbang at 6:42 PM on December 15, 2004

Years ago, something like:

Shot in the chest? Be sure to rest on your side with the shot side up. That way it will take longer for you lungs to fill with blood.

Anyone know how Viz got its name?
posted by bendybendy at 7:19 PM on December 15, 2004

We metafiltered it! Damnable!
posted by metaculpa at 7:33 PM on December 15, 2004

I am an idiot. But if you're curious, we metafiltered the other thread. You know the one.
posted by metaculpa at 7:39 PM on December 15, 2004

Ah, Viz. How I loved you so.

My favourite, also missing from the list:

'Racists! Try and limit the extent to which you sound racist by saying "I'm not racist but..." just before saying something racist.'

Very nice people they are too. I told them once, in an attempt to get all sorts of goodies for free, that more people know me as Vibrating Bum-Faced Goats than by my real name (sad, but there you go) and they sent me all sorts of goodies for free.
posted by vbfg at 1:04 AM on December 16, 2004

Wow, vbfg, I would never have guessed that's what your handle meant. And to think I could have chosen Electronic Flying Woodlouse School or Alcan Foil-Wrapped Pork Stock Warrior as mine. Those one-off strips, and the regular Black Bag, were probably my favourites. Well-conceived, brilliantly executed, and totally deadpan. British absurdist humour at its post-Python best, IMHO.
posted by kcds at 7:43 AM on December 20, 2004