Picking Up Girls Made Easy
November 3, 2007 2:39 PM   Subscribe

Even in first grade I knew girls would give me cooties.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:43 PM on November 3, 2007

If only The Williamsburg Avenger had paid attention before hooking up at that hipster party!
posted by ericb at 2:50 PM on November 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

See, this is why I live in a plastic bubble.
posted by Rangeboy at 3:08 PM on November 3, 2007

"I work in the management... training program... at the first charter bank and I'm into and I... I live in this neighborhood. I.. I'm in to watersports, and beautiful girls, which Is why I wanted to talk to you."

"But I can't swim."

This reminds me once of a time I did actually straight up tell a girl I was talking to her because I thought she was "hot". It was at this "Open House" on a girls dorm floor, and this one girl was in her room by herself. I think I said something to the effect that I ordinarily only went into open rooms if there was already a group of people, but then said I went in in this case "because you're so hot". And... She actually invited me to hang out with her when she and some of her friends went to a bar that evening. I said no, stupidly, but I ended up becoming, well, acquaintances with her. Turns out she had a boyfriend anyway.
posted by delmoi at 3:13 PM on November 3, 2007


"Excuse me, what do the letters STD stand for?"

"Stop Taking Drugs?"

Wrong PSA asshole!
posted by the other side at 3:42 PM on November 3, 2007

Metafilter - Into Watersports
posted by Senor Cardgage at 3:42 PM on November 3, 2007

Just today while purging my bookshelves I came across my copy of 1982's "Cruise to Win" by Lenny Giteck, the cover featuring the biggest, gayest ol' clone mustache ever seen that side of the HIV epidemic. I'm keeping it.
posted by Nelson at 4:10 PM on November 3, 2007

The Willaimsburg Avenger is gone.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:44 PM on November 3, 2007

Dear Metafilter: I never thought it would happen to me, but when I attended a small liberal art co-ed university...
posted by Razzle Bathbone at 4:52 PM on November 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I started to listen to the one about picking up girls in the library and couldn't finish it. Bad, bad, bad.

I vow to stay single forever.
posted by nevafeva at 5:03 PM on November 3, 2007

So this is for guys, but is there anything comparable for women? I've never seen a 'how to pick up guys' book for women, except for a few 'how to pick up RICH guys' books. Heh, guess that shows a gender disparity between the sexes: guys want poon, women want moolah. Clearly, women are the smarter sex!
posted by jamstigator at 5:59 PM on November 3, 2007

I wish this was the Durham WMFU.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 6:22 PM on November 3, 2007

How to pick up guys: "Hello."
posted by DU at 6:33 PM on November 3, 2007 [6 favorites]

The Women's Clothing Store Pick Up is hilarious.
posted by dhammond at 7:17 PM on November 3, 2007

"My sister has the same kind of curves you do..."

posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:39 PM on November 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

BUT HOLD ON... before you go tearing out there on these 'exercises' i'd like to share the following public service announcements from the Seventh Day Adventist Church with you...

When I was attending an Adventist college, the semi-official word was that sex didn't exist. And then they'd have to throw out students who were having sex on the picnic tables outside, or in the dorm lobby.
posted by Xere at 8:19 PM on November 3, 2007

Jon Mitchell:shudder.

I'm with you there. At least they had the sense to leave out the part where he asks if she gives better head than his sister.
posted by dr_dank at 9:36 PM on November 3, 2007

jamstigator So this is for guys, but is there anything comparable for women? I've never seen a 'how to pick up guys' book for women

In all semi-seriousness, being the friendly sexually non-threatening guy-pal, I've had more then a few girls (who have decided they are interested in sex-sans-relationship) ask me about this. My reply is always along these lines -

If you really want to simply 'pick-up' a guy for sex you should really have a 100% success rate (assuming you are trying to pick-up 'a' guy, and not just specific guy 'XXX') by doing the following:

Make it clear you are serious.

For every one girl who is acting overtly sexual to a guy with the express intent of fucking him tonight there are ten girls who are acting overtly sexual to a guy but aren't really planning on fucking him tonight (often they are either simply innocently flirting, or enjoying the thrill of having a guy in their thrall but with no intent on following through with sex, are considering having sex with the fellow in the future but as a part of a longer mating ritual).

Often times when trying to guide women through this process it comes down to them doing their best to flirt directly, but it failing to lead to sex. After conferring later with the targeted male the vast majority of the time the guy didn't think she was truly seriously offering no-strings sex, instead assuming she was simply flirting (or expecting him to jump through various hoops to prove himself worthy of her, a prospect he found uninviting.)

Be clear and direct. If you are dancing around what it is you want, expecting him to pick up on your hints and then take lead you are risking him not taking you seriously.

Make it clear he wont be punished for having sex with you.

There are dozens of ways men are routinely punished for having sex. Obviously there is nothing you can do about many of them, but a big one is concern about how you are going to react afterward. Make it as clear as possible you are really just looking for some sex, you aren't here to possess him/stalk him/make him meet your parents and so forth.

In my experience a girl simply doing those two things will have absolutely no problem acquiring sex, regardless of her social status of physical appearance. Sure you may not land the very first guy you confront, but it never seems to take more then 2-3 tries tops (especially if in a crowded social situation. Men will quickly come to realize there is a sexually receptive women in their midst, and soon there will be more then a handful vying to be the one you choose).
posted by Ceci n'est pas une marionnette de chaussette at 9:45 PM on November 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

i should have read this before going out to see roller derby tonight. dozens of hot girls, and me with nothing to say.
posted by vrakatar at 10:51 PM on November 3, 2007

I love this. I really love this.
posted by converge at 2:49 AM on November 4, 2007

Make it clear he wont be punished for having sex with you.

Dude, you could tell me that you're going to follow it up with waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay afterwards and it STILL wouldn't put me off.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:23 AM on November 4, 2007

Remaining A Virgin Until You're 53 Made Easy With these two points in mind - choosing your chick because she's alone and making your approach random and desperate - let's watch Tim in action when he's away from home for the first time, just starting college, and every co-ed on campus seems to want to give her special pupil an education in friction. It is 1980; the dampness of the morning dew has climbed halfway up the calves of Tim's flared jeans, he wears runners that have torn apart at the soles so that they flap when he walks and a baby blue velour shirt with a wide yellow stripe down each sleeve that Santa brought him for Christmas. Tim has a moderate case of acne, tending towards severe around the chin and on the neck. He is as short and slender as a 13 year old. It is Sunday morning. Everybody other student in the dorm is sleeping off the last night's partying, so the only other person around is a wide-hipped girl leaning against the railing of the library steps. Hoping she hasn't yet noticed him, Tim immediately hides behind a tree, peeking around it while he debates with himself whether or not to approach her. What clever compliment can he make about her pink fleece sweatsuit, her white headband and blue leg warmers? His sister has an outfit just like that. So does Olivia Newton-John. Semi-confidently he steps out, approaches her at a walk just short of a run. He is eight feet away from her when he begins to mention her sweatsuit but then he suddenly decides to ask her when the library opens. She stares back at him, blinking twice behind her steamed lenses. It is clear that she never understood a word he said. Tim turns, runs, trips twice on the sidewalk before diving around the corner of the Math building.

Now let's watch Tim 27 years later. Just this afternoon he was introduced on the Internet to a series of recorded scenarios from 1975. He listened to them all; some twice. Now he sits in a corner, silently watching a dancer in blue leg warmers twirl around the pole, notices the word DIRTY stamped on the ass of her pink bottoms. He has $140 in his wallet. He repeats to himself, "choose your chick carefully, keep your approach casual". If only he had heard these earlier. Life begins tonight.
posted by TimTypeZed at 8:51 AM on November 4, 2007 [2 favorites]

What I've learned today:
1. The road to a woman's heart is paved with deception and lies.
2. The best things come to those who 'bate.
posted by aftermarketradio at 9:52 AM on November 4, 2007

"Girls like to be told their pretty."

{slaps forehead}
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 3:44 PM on November 4, 2007

@DHammond: That's a bit like Boomhauer's secret to love from King of the Hill. It's on youtube, if you're interested.
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:37 PM on November 9, 2007

The beach one is almost the most chauvinist. "[Stewardesses] are trained to serve men! Paul is in luck!"
posted by mccarty.tim at 9:52 AM on November 11, 2007

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