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Penis Beaker
October 9, 2013 2:04 PM   Subscribe

Mumsnet, the popular social network of (mainly UK) parents, suffered traffic load issues today due to a post-coital hygiene question.

"We have a dedicated post-sex cleanup area on the bedside table. A box of tissues, a small bin, and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning/dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me. Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing. Does everyone else just lay there in a post coital glow until morning? Really?"

Rather than answer the question, some Mumsnet users had questions of their own. The original post appears to have found few, if any, couples who share this particular solution. Buzzfeed have compiled a few of the responses.

Suzanne Moore in the Guardian cites this example in an article on smut and the language of sex. In several UK cities #penisbeaker trended on Twitter, while advertisements were doctored.
posted by Wordshore (231 comments total) 42 users marked this as a favorite

 
The English should just not have sex - it would solve so many problems at once
posted by The Whelk at 2:08 PM on October 9, 2013 [25 favorites]


Coincidentally, "Penis Beaker" is the name of my Revolting Cocks/Muppets crossover band.
posted by Aversion Therapy at 2:09 PM on October 9, 2013 [92 favorites]


Just lie back and think of Mr. Clean.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:10 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


The English should just not have sex

But then we wouldn't get to listen to British people having orgasms! God has created no finer comedy.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:10 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


I would be frightfully afraid I might wake up thirsty in the middle of the night.
posted by chavenet at 2:11 PM on October 9, 2013 [39 favorites]


Acid Fanjo
posted by mani at 2:11 PM on October 9, 2013 [15 favorites]


Damn it mani I literally came here to write 'acid fanjo'
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:12 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


Wow, totally thought this said penis breaker. I can't decide if that should be akin to a breaker switch or a C-C-C-Combo breaker.
posted by Lemurrhea at 2:13 PM on October 9, 2013 [9 favorites]


Came here hoping for a Muppets reference, pleased greatly to see it coupled with a RevCo reference. Well played, Aversion Therapy, well played.
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:14 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm going to assume these people don't have cats? Because I would not want penis-beaker-water pawprints all over my bedside table and that is what would happen immediately with that solution.
posted by Kadin2048 at 2:14 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


I would be frightfully afraid I might wake up thirsty in the middle of the night.

And these people obviously don't have cats.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:15 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


Badunkyerjunk.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:17 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


I'm going to assume these people don't have cats? Because I would not want penis-beaker-water pawprints all over my bedside table and that is what would happen immediately with that solution.

I assume the beaker gets refilled and emptied before and after dunking.

Actually I probably shouldn't assume anything about this scenario as it is a long way beyond the scope of my expertise.
posted by dng at 2:17 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


Jeez, way to class up a spunk rag.
posted by lumpenprole at 2:20 PM on October 9, 2013 [6 favorites]


I would like to order a beaker for personal use
posted by lalochezia at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


I suspect the man may have some sort of urethritis, making this more for cooling than cleaning.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2013


Me me me me?
posted by lalochezia at 2:22 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


Kadin2048: "I'm going to assume these people don't have cats?"

Or young children. My kids would most likely drink a glass of water left on one of our night tables if they were thirsty.
posted by zarq at 2:23 PM on October 9, 2013


I would be frightfully afraid I might wake up thirsty in the middle of the night.

Enjoy Bunsen's HoneydewTM !
posted by Kabanos at 2:23 PM on October 9, 2013 [41 favorites]


i don't think it's immediately emptied - i mean, why not just wash up in the sink if you're going to go empty, rinse, and fill your cum glass?

also - the op at one point says that she pees in it when TTC - what does that mean?

and there were a few references to making squash? like someone said what if you wanted squash in the night and the op had to fess up to keep a friend from making squash in the beaker (which i'm assuming is a plastic tumbler?) - what's the squash? surely you brits don't eat squash in bed using some sort of vessel that holds water?

so many questions before we even get to don't these people have rags or tshirts or sinks??
posted by nadawi at 2:25 PM on October 9, 2013 [6 favorites]


I'm going to decline to explore these links at the moment, considering I'm at work and all, but I'd like to address this:

"Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing. Does everyone else just lay there in a post coital glow until morning? Really?"


Unless this is further described in the links, it appears that dickbeaker here just cannot possibly fathom waiting the 90 seconds until his ladyfriend is done to get up and use the bathroom.
posted by phunniemee at 2:25 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


I feel like one thing I learned going to a school with mostly dudes is not to question anyone's post-ejaculation cleaning ritual. Although dunking in a cup is certainly one of the stranger ones...
posted by muddgirl at 2:26 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing.

At what point, exactly, does that come up in conversation?

"Those are lovely beakers, Joan. They're just like the ones we use to dunk Peter's hooha."
posted by billiebee at 2:27 PM on October 9, 2013 [34 favorites]


So Mumsnet is what the MILF hunter uses?

I'm so confused by all of this...
posted by srboisvert at 2:27 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


"A box of tissues, a small bin, and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning/dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me. Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing. Does everyone else just lay there in a post coital glow until morning? Really?""

This is what I don't get. Can the husband not get up out of bed to wash himself after the bathroom is free?
posted by zarq at 2:27 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


the op at one point says that she pees in it when TTC - what does that mean?

It's the better way. Ride the red rocket!
posted by srboisvert at 2:28 PM on October 9, 2013 [16 favorites]


what's the squash?

Orange squash is a concentrate, usually unhealthy, soft drink for children. Pour the concentrate and water into a beaker; drink.
posted by Wordshore at 2:28 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Acid Fanjo

Directed by Quentin Tarantino and Oliver Stone
posted by zippy at 2:29 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is what I don't get. Can the husband not get up out of bed to wash himself after the bathroom is free?

Maybe she sleeps there?
posted by The Potate at 2:29 PM on October 9, 2013 [12 favorites]


Isn't this what Wet-Vacs were built for?
posted by Cold Lurkey at 2:29 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]


Just because it CAN be discussed on the internet, doesn't mean it SHOULD be discussed on the internet.

Please remember this in the future.
posted by HuronBob at 2:30 PM on October 9, 2013 [18 favorites]


This can not be a real thing
posted by 2bucksplus at 2:30 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Laboratory glassware is okay, but the manual centrifuge method works much better.
posted by Kabanos at 2:30 PM on October 9, 2013 [22 favorites]


The English should just not have sex - it would solve so many problems at once.

Hrrrm. :-(

I have never heard of the beaker thing.

We did used to call the process of putting tissues/other stuff into a plastic bag and ferrying it out to the appropriate trash receptical "medical waste disposal" though.
posted by Artw at 2:30 PM on October 9, 2013


Well, ew. Everything about this is wrong, wrong, wrong. Especially the fact that they had to warn a friend away from using the penis beaker to make squash. Oh, and the bit where he dangles his sticky wicket in a glass of water and then wipes it off with tissues. That is also wrong.
posted by oneirodynia at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2013


This is what I don't get. Can the husband not get up out of bed to wash himself after the bathroom is free?

It's like one of those Bioware dialogue options that leaves out the neutral choice. Either slaughter all the orphans or buy them all ice creams. Clean your dick immediately or lie in bed the rest of the night.
posted by kmz at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2013 [51 favorites]


Maybe she sleeps there?

This is an excellent point. If I had a beaker full of ween drippings next to my bed, I can pretty much guarantee that that's the one place I'm not gonna voluntarily be.
posted by phunniemee at 2:32 PM on October 9, 2013 [27 favorites]



the op at one point says that she pees in it when TTC - what does that mean?

Trying to conceive?
posted by oneirodynia at 2:33 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, the beaker is weird enough, but the fact that they had to warn a friend not to use it to make a drink . . . how do they not keep it segregated from the rest of their glassware at all times? Shouldn't it live in their bedroom?
posted by Mavri at 2:33 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Tossing The Cookies?
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:34 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


Don't tell me they keep cookies in it, too.
posted by phunniemee at 2:34 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]


We have a beaker next to the bathroom sink the cat drinks out of.
posted by Artw at 2:34 PM on October 9, 2013


the op at one point says that she pees in it when TTC - what does that mean?

When she's with Andy Byford and the service has once again failed to meet expectations.
posted by Kabanos at 2:37 PM on October 9, 2013 [6 favorites]


This is stranger than the ex who kept a loaf of thickly cut bread on her nightstand.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:37 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


I feel like one thing I learned going to a school with mostly dudes is not to question anyone's post-ejaculation cleaning ritual. Although dunking in a cup is certainly one of the stranger ones...

oh absolutely - i was just thinking that as weird and wtf as this is, it is no where near the levels of gross that the reddit threads are on "how do i clean up this spot/shoebox/backpack next to my desk" where you find out they've been growing that, uh, collection for years.
posted by nadawi at 2:37 PM on October 9, 2013


nadawi: "where you find out they've been growing that, uh, collection for years."

...collection? (I just KNOW I'm going to regret asking.)
posted by zarq at 2:39 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


DONT ASK
posted by billiebee at 2:39 PM on October 9, 2013 [12 favorites]


There are so many unanswered questions. It's weird that a story about how this couple has special stemware for cleaning off the husband's cum-soaked junk actually seems to suffer from not enough information.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:40 PM on October 9, 2013 [42 favorites]


I wouldn't think that dipping your little man in a regular cup would be very effective at cleaning off either lady juice or any form sticky man goo.
So after extensive testing and development, I will be launching the new improved penis beaker on Kickstarter tomorrow....

Yours for only $15 + shipping.
posted by Dr Ew at 2:40 PM on October 9, 2013 [12 favorites]


NEVERMIND.

I am out of brain bleach.
posted by zarq at 2:40 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


"Dr Ew "

Never has a user name felt more appropriate.
posted by zarq at 2:41 PM on October 9, 2013 [12 favorites]


JUST RINSE IT IN THE SINK WHILE SHE PEES

HOW DID YOU PEOPLE EVER RULE AN EMPIRE I S2G
posted by elizardbits at 2:41 PM on October 9, 2013 [76 favorites]


i'm so confused on the particulars! does he dunk? over the bed? does he stand and dunk? is there some sort of leaning of him and the cup? does it ever splash? what does he do about wet sticky tissues that are surely still stuck to his dick? who cleans the cup in the morning? does he not pee after sex? or does he pee in the cup too? does she use it to pee in and then he cleans himself in it?

so, so many questions...

thanks for the squash answer though! i was thinking the fruit/veg (which i guess y'all call something else).
posted by nadawi at 2:42 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


also "guests almost drank out of my penis beaker" is the new "plate of rotting seafood lasagne under the bed" i think
posted by elizardbits at 2:43 PM on October 9, 2013 [40 favorites]


Here at Casa Sidhedevil we have just the one bathroom, and amazingly enough we've managed this for 15 years without resorting to a beaker.

Beaker.

Beaker and Honeydew.

I am six.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:43 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Beaker.
posted by zarq at 2:44 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


I think what she's saying is that she uses the penis beaker as a pee cup for when she's testing her urine for whatever one tests one's urine for when trying to conceive?
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:45 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


To be fair, they've been together since they were wee. Maybe that's just how they thought it was done, and I personally don't remember anyone during sex ed specifically saying don't dunk his dick in a beaker. My first BF spent a lot of time, um, wiping afterwards, which always annoyed me. I bet if he knew a beaker was an option he'd have been a dunker, too.
posted by billiebee at 2:45 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


That woman is really really going to regret not following her first impulse to "change her name on here". And re the person asking about the "collection box", spend 5 minutes on Reddit and it will be brought up.
posted by bquarters at 2:46 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


I wouldn't think that dipping your little man in a regular cup would be very effective at cleaning off either lady juice or any form sticky man goo.

You know those little pots of nail polish remover that are basically acetone-soaked bagel-shaped sponges in a jar? I'm thinking that would be the more efficient method here.
posted by phunniemee at 2:47 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


YES a wall-mounted one next to the bed that guys can just poke and go.
posted by elizardbits at 2:48 PM on October 9, 2013 [15 favorites]


i think this was also my idea for an auto-wrap condom machine so it could have MULTIPLE SETTINGS
posted by elizardbits at 2:48 PM on October 9, 2013 [9 favorites]


where is my nobel prize
posted by elizardbits at 2:48 PM on October 9, 2013 [21 favorites]


The Frances Hodgson Burnett estate is probably livid.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:49 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


also "guests almost drank out of my penis beaker" is the new "plate of rotting seafood lasagne under the bed"

I didn't know there was an old "plate of rotting seafood lasagna under the bed" and I am going to erase my brain if that ever changes.
posted by aubilenon at 2:49 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


Every time I get to a point where I feel like the internet and television is homogenizing the culture of the English-speaking world, something like this happens- I mean, okay, the penis beaker is kind of weird, I guess, but I don't think it's worthy of anything approaching a furor.

Here in the States, I feel like it'd just be another individualist way of taking care of that particular business- this whole thing, to me, reinforces the stereotype of Brits getting all red-eared over discussing the particulars of fuckin'.
posted by maus at 2:49 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is what I don't get. Can the husband not get up out of bed to wash himself after the bathroom is free?

This reminds me of the series of videos (discussed here previously) where a guy tries to complete X / do as many Y as possible from the time he first hears his neighbor start moaning to the point he hears the shower start up - usually in the neighborhood of a minute or so.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


I bet they change their baby's dinner on the restaurant table.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


CLR
posted by Kabanos at 2:51 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


A flask has a neck.
posted by pracowity at 2:51 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


ttc=trying to conceive sounds totally right.

so - there's a beaker which is a (plastic?) cup where he dips or otherwise uses to ineffectively clean his cock after sex, and sometimes she pees in it to do ovulation tests and what not, and that cup was nearly used by a friend to mix a delightful beverage out of?

i will not being going to their parties.
posted by nadawi at 2:51 PM on October 9, 2013 [12 favorites]


phunniemee: " You know those little pots of nail polish remover that are basically acetone-soaked bagel-shaped sponges in a jar? I'm thinking that would be the more efficient method here."

Acetone would likely burn that area. An ex-girlfriend once spilled some nail polish on herself and then tried to clean her sensitive parts with nail polish remover. She had angry welts all over for a week. Very painful.
posted by zarq at 2:51 PM on October 9, 2013


Here in the States

...where the link to the furore has been posted for an icredulous discussion.
posted by billiebee at 2:52 PM on October 9, 2013


No obviously it would be full of a gentle saline solution or distilled water. NOT NAIL POLISH REMOVER.

zarq you are off my nobel research committee, turn in your clipboard and lab coat
posted by elizardbits at 2:53 PM on October 9, 2013 [36 favorites]


aubilenon: " I didn't know there was an old "plate of rotting seafood lasagna under the bed" and I am going to erase my brain if that ever changes."

This is what that refers to.
posted by zarq at 2:54 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


Being English, can see the psychology that may have come into play. This is a nation of people who often dunk biscuits into a hot cup of tea. It is therefore perhaps just muscle-memory, and transferable skills, that can lead an Englishman to do this.

However, I am puzzled by one thing. The large majority of Englishmen are not circumcised. Therefore, one severely doubts that a bit of passive dunking in a beaker of water would remove most, or even some, of the fluids and matter from the shaft, foreskin and underneath the foreskin. Tissues as a stop-gap, and a brisk seeing-too over the sink or in a shower, to restore cleanliness would seem the more effective way.
posted by Wordshore at 2:54 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


No obviously it would be full of a gentle saline solution or distilled water. NOT NAIL POLISH REMOVER.

Now I'm just thinking of the worst possible things to fill the jar with because I'm a terrible person. Fabric softener. TTC urine. Sriracha.
posted by phunniemee at 2:56 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


Hear, hear!
posted by Kabanos at 2:56 PM on October 9, 2013


TEETH
posted by elizardbits at 2:57 PM on October 9, 2013 [20 favorites]


Somebody tell these people that, if they go to a golf course at night, they could probably abscond with a ball washer.... just saying.
posted by HuronBob at 2:58 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


ok i was going to link to some of the "look at my collection of years of ejaculate" on reddit, but a couple clicks in to trying to find just the right thread and i'm now straight out of brain bleach, so you'll have to find that on your own.
posted by nadawi at 2:59 PM on October 9, 2013


no, I'm pretty sure I won't
posted by emilyw at 3:00 PM on October 9, 2013 [37 favorites]


Somebody tell these people that, if they go to a golf course at night, they could probably abscond with a ball washer.... just saying.

I thought a ball washer was pretty much the solution they already had in place.
posted by The Potate at 3:00 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


elizardbits: "No obviously it would be full of a gentle saline solution or distilled water. NOT NAIL POLISH REMOVER."

Oh, that's better.

elizardbits: " zarq you are off my nobel research committee, turn in your clipboard and lab coat"

Can I keep the beakers?

elizardbits: "TEETH"

OH HEY LOOK AT THE TIME
posted by zarq at 3:01 PM on October 9, 2013 [16 favorites]


elizardbits: "YES a wall-mounted one next to the bed that guys can just poke and go."

Genius! It could be like a little car wash with soap sprayers, little rotating wheels of sponge flaps and an air cannon dryer at the end. And you could choose between programs like the ones at my local Chevron car wash. I usually get "The Works".
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [12 favorites]


nadawi: "you'll have to find that on your own."

what.

...why would anyone...

*speechless*
posted by zarq at 3:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


but a couple clicks in to trying to find just the right thread and i'm now straight out of brain bleach

You just need some steel wool and a little elbow grease.
posted by aubilenon at 3:04 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


I bet Cheney just waterboards little Dick Jr.
posted by Kabanos at 3:06 PM on October 9, 2013 [10 favorites]


I was pretty sure my life had prepared me for any and all sex related queries, but this thread has really provided some boundary pushing in a couple of different directions. What a wonderful, fucked up little species homo sapiens are.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:06 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


nadawi: ""look at my collection of years of ejaculate"

remember that episode from "The Shield" aptly titled "The Spread"?

"Detectives Dutch Wagenbach and Claudette Wyms went to his house to arrest him. After breaking in, they found him sitting naked in the sofa with a jar on his penis. As they handcuffed him, Dutch found jars of semen inside a padlocked refrigerator. Greeley referred to them as "his children". He was arrested and taken to the Barn for questioning."
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:08 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


However, I am puzzled by one thing. The large majority of Englishmen are not circumcised.

With the exception of the traditional upper classes; apparently it was traditional for the aristocracy to have their sons circumcised, and in many cases to consult an expert (which is to say a rabbi) to do the deed. (Daily Torygraph columnist Harry Wallop mentions having met the rabbi who circumcised Prince Charles in his book Consumed: How Shopping Fed The Class System.)
posted by acb at 3:11 PM on October 9, 2013


Why wouldn't you just take a shower.

I'm sure being British their plumbing involves some kind of monstrous coal fired tank, 200 pounds of brass, and several gauges that must be carefully observed, but just stoke it before you have sex and you have a nice hot shower afterwards.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:13 PM on October 9, 2013 [23 favorites]


the manual centrifuge method works much better.

Accompanied by adorable dog ear helicopter noises.
posted by zippy at 3:13 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is a nation of people who often dunk biscuits into a hot cup of tea. It is therefore perhaps just muscle-memory, and transferable skills, that can lead an Englishman to do this.

How are you dunking biscuits such that it develops muscle memory for penis dunking? HOW?!
posted by VTX at 3:14 PM on October 9, 2013 [13 favorites]


I'm sure being British their plumbing involves some kind of monstrous coal fired tank, 200 pounds of brass, and several gauges that must be carefully observed, but just stoke it before you have sex and you have a nice hot shower afterwards.

Not entirely, but many showers (especially in the upper floors of buildings) have electric pump/heater units, mostly to deal with weak water pressure. (Unlike in the US, one doesn't see water towers atop apartment buildings often here.) The units typically have a temperature dial and another dial to switch on one or both of the heating elements. One is generally safe from electrocution assuming that they had been installed competently.
posted by acb at 3:16 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Do wet wipes not exist on the other side of the pond?
posted by casarkos at 3:31 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Sinks also have separate faucets for hot and cold as well right? So you would have to plug the sink and mix hot and cold to get some kind of desired temperature.

I'm not even going to ask if you guys have baby wipes.

The beaker is making more and more sense.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:31 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


nadawi: "also - the op at one point says that she pees in it when TTC - what does that mean?"

Try To Conceive ... I am under the impression that the more common form of pregnancy test in the U.K. is that you pee in a cup and dip the test strip in the pee cup, rather than the pee-on-a-stick type (well, I formed that impression reading books from the 80s so maybe not anymore). Also included with the instructions in the pee-on-a-stick type is that you can pee in a cup and put the stick in. If you're not a very good pee-er, it might be easier.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:32 PM on October 9, 2013


It's pee on the stick all the way now, baby.
posted by billiebee at 3:33 PM on October 9, 2013


casarkos: "Do wet wipes not exist on the other side of the pond?"

Oh no, not this again.

(previously, Fatberg)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:34 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


Here on the farm we just bring one of the dip cups in after the last milking and re-use it. The dilute IKI solution helps to reduce the incidence of STDs too. And you would not drink very much of it before you stopped, either.
posted by ackptui at 3:35 PM on October 9, 2013


what's the squash?

Well, it's complicated, but in a nutshell, the British use dried squashes as water vessels (a practice they then brought to many of the colonised areas in Africa and Asia).

Also, British males wear them as codpieces.

Of course, there's a protocol to distinguish the drinking squash from the codpiece variety, but I can see how an American might imagine a confusion between the two and wonder.
posted by zippy at 3:35 PM on October 9, 2013 [16 favorites]


No, I didn't just google "squash codpiece."

Shut up.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:37 PM on October 9, 2013 [12 favorites]


A recent BBC comedy series, Pulling, opened with a post-coital clean-up scene (no bodily fluids are seen) which provides an alternative solution. The first minute of this.
posted by Wordshore at 3:37 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


I wondered how someone might go about drying themselves after their visit to the beaker, without splashing knob water all over the bedroom, and now I will never see those "top and tail" cloths in the same light again.
posted by emilyw at 3:40 PM on October 9, 2013


Aversion Therapy: "Coincidentally, "Penis Beaker" is the name of my Revolting Cocks/Muppets crossover band."

Is the frontman named Doctor Queef?
posted by brundlefly at 3:40 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


if this is the sort of thing i can look forward to on sexbox i'm totally watching.
posted by nadawi at 3:41 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


No, I didn't just google "squash codpiece."

How like, methought, I then was to this kernel,
This squash, this gentleman.

— Shakespeare, Winter's Tale
posted by zippy at 3:42 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Has anybody checked whether the asker of the question actually exists (i.e., is a poster with a history of normal posts)? I'm half wondering whether or not it was an account created just to troll Mumsnet (in the classic sense of trolling).
posted by acb at 3:43 PM on October 9, 2013


Wait wait wait, "making squash" is totally a British euphemism for peeing right?

Cause I'm pretty sure I was hanging out with a Welshman once when he said he was going to the bathroom to make squash.
posted by arcolz at 3:44 PM on October 9, 2013


Someone somewhere is thinking on ways to market a penis breaker
posted by mattoxic at 3:47 PM on October 9, 2013


"Google Squash Codpiece" is the subject line on the spam I just got.

To be fair, they've been together since they were wee.

I see what you did there. Sort of.
posted by gingerest at 3:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Frances Hodgson Burnett estate is probably livid.

Yeah, for those who don't know, Sara Crewe is the protagonist of A Little Princess and so probably not this woman's real name.

I want to know how often they empty and refill the water in the beaker, and when. Is it like, they start getting frisky but then one of them says, "Oops, hang on, beaker's empty, be back in just a minute"? A clean, water-filled beaker on the bedside table is an "I'm in the mood tonight" signal?
posted by naoko at 3:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


On the subject of Mumsnet, may I recommend the total addictive timesuck that is AIBU? It's like all those delicious "was this rude person in the wrong here, or am I?" AskMe megathreads, except there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pages of them. I am totally hooked.
posted by Catseye at 3:53 PM on October 9, 2013 [8 favorites]


I want to know how often they empty and refill the water in the beaker

Why empty it? Aquarium filter plus snails.
posted by zippy at 3:53 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


I think you're supposed to wash your penis before you have sex, but, whatever...
posted by freakazoid at 3:55 PM on October 9, 2013


if this is the sort of thing i can look forward to on sexbox i'm totally watching.

My colleagues were telling me about this today and I thought my brain was going to explode. "They have sex? In a box? On TV? But...WHY??!"

Weirdly, for all that Americans think the British are repressed, I bet that would never be shown on US prime time TV in a billion years.
I'm not saying that's a bad thing.
posted by billiebee at 3:55 PM on October 9, 2013


Weirdly, for all that Americans think the British are repressed

Fun trivia: The idea that Victorians covered piano legs out of prudery actually came from an English writer's satire on Americans.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:00 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


This might be useful, too.
posted by zippy at 4:01 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


yeah, maybe it's just because i watch a lot of british tv for a girl from oklahoma, but it was never my impression that the british were the prudes.
posted by nadawi at 4:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


World's best qualified reviewer discusses sexbox
posted by emilyw at 4:04 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


Well, this explains 50% of the posts on my Twitter feed. I really had no idea what was going on and I had no intention of asking. Mumsnet. Of course. That should really be my default explanation for whenever something strange has permeated Twitter.
posted by kariebookish at 4:04 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


I wonder whether the appearamce of the cockwash beaker serves the function of initiating sex or the offer of sex within their relationship. It might not have started that way but might have assumed that role.
posted by biffa at 4:08 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


I wonder whether the appearamce of the cockwash beaker serves the function of initiating sex or the offer of sex within their relationship. It might not have started that way but might have assumed that role.

"Odette, dear, d'you want to do a cattleya?"

"D'you mean 'Do I want to do a cockwash?'"
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:13 PM on October 9, 2013


i assumed sexbox was gonna be terrible. i had hoped for more, of course, but it seems so easy to get wrong. the swath of sex advice shows that happened a few years ago with cameras in the home and position suggestions from women in fancy business suits was just the right amount of interesting and absurd.
posted by nadawi at 4:14 PM on October 9, 2013


Peculiar Pecker Beaker Piques Tittering Tweeters
posted by argonauta at 4:15 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


Here in the States, I feel like it'd just be another individualist way of taking care of that particular business- this whole thing, to me, reinforces the stereotype of Brits getting all red-eared over discussing the particulars of fuckin'.
posted by maus at 10:49 PM on October 9


I thought maybe this was a common sentiment.
posted by billiebee at 4:16 PM on October 9, 2013


Anyone who assumes the British are repressed in matters of a sexual nature are invited to research "dogging"...
posted by Wordshore at 4:19 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


TEETH

When choosing a nail polish remover dunker to replace your penis beaker, make sure you get the kind with the sponge and not the pink bristles. Unless your dick is coated with glitter, because those things are great for removing glitter.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:19 PM on October 9, 2013 [8 favorites]


phunniemee: "dickbeaker"

Dick Beaker would be a great name for a lead character in some new TV series.

In fact I now demand that there be a lead character named Dick Beaker in some new TV series. It doesn't matter what kind of series it is.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 4:20 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


oooh i didn't know the bristles were good for glitter!

(for my nails. my dick is removable and rarely covered in glitter)
posted by nadawi at 4:21 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


IIRC He's coproducer of Law and Order.
posted by Artw at 4:21 PM on October 9, 2013


How are you dunking biscuits such that it develops muscle memory for penis dunking? HOW?!

Surprisingly painfully.
posted by jaduncan at 4:23 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


How are you dunking biscuits such that it develops muscle memory for penis dunking? HOW?!

hey, sometimes I wear my dick like a sash
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:25 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Man, these people are weird.

Like most normal folks, we just use a bench-mounted dry abrasive blasting unit that uses 1 mm diameter nozzles to deliver 20 micrometer particles in a fine, accurate stream. We generally use garnet -- it's more expensive than silica sand, but produces less dust and no safety hazards from ingesting the dust.
posted by kyrademon at 4:28 PM on October 9, 2013 [23 favorites]


Dogging=>seagulling
posted by biffa at 4:32 PM on October 9, 2013


> Is the frontman named Doctor Queef?

Doctor Dentata
posted by Space Coyote at 4:33 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


A quick google search leads to the "Will of Richard Beaker, Yeoman of Walcot, Somerset", dated AD1681, which is accessible at the UK National Archives.

Oddly fitting coincidence? I think not!

Perhaps it was Yeoman Richard Beaker who, back in the 17th century, first chose to dip his sword into the chamber pot following a vigorous session of sheathing.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 4:40 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


P-P-P-PENIS BEAKER

okay, I'm done here
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:41 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]


This is a great thread, thanks Nadawi for the Twitter heads-up.

Up to this point, my favourite Mumsnet discussions have been the paranoiac obsession with Snooty Mums at school pick up time. They won't talk to me! Their hair is perfect! My life is being made a living hell because someone else has a spray tan!
posted by Catch at 4:41 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


I want to favorite all the comments. You all are hilarious! :-)
posted by eviemath at 4:45 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


It could be like a little car wash with soap sprayers, little rotating wheels of sponge flaps and an air cannon dryer at the end

yea, I see that working out. "honey, the ball washer is supposed to be for after sex, not like, instead"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:56 PM on October 9, 2013 [10 favorites]


Things I didn't know about, but thanks to Sara Crewe and mumsnet I do now:
1) Popping candy oral sex is a thing
2) some people with 4 month old babies have sex often enough to need a cleaning station by the bed
3) Women can avoid cystitis by urinating after sex
4) 'Friday night special' means bumsex not fish and chips
5) there is a fairly equal proportion of women who think washing a penis in the sink is terrible to those who think it is not an issue

My fear is that now they have hit the global headlines there will be a reluctance to be so open in the future. Seriously, I am learning here!
posted by asok at 4:57 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


...speaking of mumsnet, anal sex, and a thread going internet wide...Center Parcs & Anal sex
posted by nadawi at 5:01 PM on October 9, 2013


This (pdf) is where you need to shop for all your bedside needs.
posted by benzenedream at 5:02 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


That's a "particular solution", all right.

Grew-up-in-Oklahoma-now-live-in-Texas: surely my habit of producing a couple of moist washcloths and a couple of towels from the attached bathroom for myself and my partner isn't abnormal...
posted by mrbill at 5:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


hey, sometimes I wear my dick like a sash

Are you the guy who goes to the fancy dress party as a petrol pump then?
posted by acb at 5:05 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


I must say, that's a pretty sweet logo Mumsnet has.
posted by Chrysostom at 5:06 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Has nobody asked...
how big is the beaker?
posted by mrbill at 5:08 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


Nadawi, any idea what your linkee means by 'nice ham'?
posted by biffa at 5:09 PM on October 9, 2013


Perhaps Do you buy "Nice ham"?
posted by mrbill at 5:11 PM on October 9, 2013


biffa - i really wish i knew! i tried to google it but i only find people talking about ham or about the joke, but not the context of the joke.
posted by nadawi at 5:14 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


ok i was going to link to some of the "look at my collection of years of ejaculate" on reddit

Thank you for not.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:22 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]


I wonder if ultrasonic cleaners could be a water-less alternative here for those concerned about accidental bedside spillage/consumption. You know, the kind of machines that jewelers use.

You'd probably have to be hard though. And wait for everything to dry first.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 5:23 PM on October 9, 2013


Hey, when I found out some people stand while wiping their ass, all ideas became possible. I would not be surprised at this point to find results on googleshopping for "penis dunk".

I would also buy the album by Penis Beaker. MIMIMIMI MIMIMI!!
posted by not_on_display at 5:23 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Beakers are so common. The upper class uses Klein bottles.
posted by BlueHorse at 5:39 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm already so mad that houses/apartments in the US do not come standard with a bidet and now I see that apparently this is the case in the UK as well. DOES NO ONE WANT CLEAN BITS BUT THE CONTINENTALS.

why doesn't anyone want clean bits
posted by elizardbits at 5:39 PM on October 9, 2013 [8 favorites]


It is times like these -- and to be quite honest, it's not like there are a lot of them -- that make me realize that lesbianism was absolutely the best course of action.
posted by mudpuppie at 5:45 PM on October 9, 2013 [9 favorites]


I want to favorite all the comments. You all are hilarious! :-)

Between this and the concierge thread, we're reaching some kind of Peak MetaFilter right here & now . . .
posted by flug at 5:48 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


acb: (in the classic sense of trolling)

Living under bridges and eating those who try to cross?
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


A weiner cleaner is not such a bad idea, I guess, but a frigging beaker of water and tissues is pretty nuts. Especially when you put the word "dunk" in there. How could a person be so hygenically piqued that they simply must wash their penis immediately, and not just a simple wipe with whatever passes for the ol' jizzrag, but a full-on submersion into room temperature water (and picture the contortions to which one must submit for this to happen at all), AND YET be so nonchalant about things that a beaker of dirty spunkwater, and the copious drips of same that simply must be everywhere are no big deal AND AND AND this all takes place in the 2 minute window during which the partner uses the bathroom? It boggles the mind.

Also, "Penis Beaker" is excellent, but I personally would have gone with "junk dunking."
posted by dirtdirt at 5:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [6 favorites]


what you gonna do with all that junk

all that junk you need to dunk
posted by elizardbits at 5:59 PM on October 9, 2013 [22 favorites]


Also, "Penis Beaker" is excellent, but I personally would have gone with "junk dunking."

As seen on TV: the Dunk-A-Junk®. Perfect for the bedroom. Only $9.95 plus postage and packing.
posted by acb at 5:59 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


Only $9.95 plus postage and packing.

But I'm already packing ifyouknowwhatimean!
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:10 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


hi i'm on metafilter and i can overthink a penis beaker
posted by medusa at 6:13 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


In the Philippines they have lovely screens to protect you from the glare.
In the Malay States, there are hats like plates which the Britishers won't wear.
At twelve noon the natives swoon and no further work is done,
but mad dogs and Englishmen
beaker-dip their junk in watery cum.
posted by CynicalKnight at 6:13 PM on October 9, 2013 [9 favorites]


I'm gonna get get get you drunk
Get you drunk
Get you love drunk on jizz water
Jizz water water water
posted by medusa at 6:15 PM on October 9, 2013


Penis beaker? I would have thought a graduated cylinder to be sufficient in most cases.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 6:16 PM on October 9, 2013 [6 favorites]


Right so they are partners, married or whatever -- theoretically in a rather intimate relationship anyway -- they've just had sex and yet they can't get their head around using the bathroom at the same time? You know, why can't he have a shower or use the sink while she's peeing?

I'm boggled.
posted by deadwax at 6:24 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


That's a point that came up several times in the links but honestly...I think it's ok to have a thing about not using the toilet in front of your partner. I've had 5-6 serious relationships and never reached a comfort level of "peeing in front of each other is totally cool" - or wanted to with any of them. Maybe that makes me (and all of my boyfriends) freakishly uptight, but I dunno, I don't think it's that abnormal.

I don't understand why he can't just wait a minute until after she's done peeing, though.
posted by naoko at 6:55 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Fuckit, whatever. You people who are saying OH BLUUH WHO HAS A COCK EWER would probably bitch at Sylvia Plath for eating the cherry blossoms out of her fingerbowl.
posted by boo_radley at 6:57 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Mumsnet, the popular social network of (mainly UK) parents, suffered traffic load issues

Load issues, indeed.
posted by ShutterBun at 7:18 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


Soon to come on QVC...
Act now and you'll receive a delicately-scented sachet of Dr. Wang's Knob Soap, a genuine British Badger Bristle Boner Brush and a hand-sewn Tadger Towel all neatly packaged in your Waterford Crystal Penis Beaker! As our gift to you we'll also include our patented Ball Tray and famous Peter Powder!
posted by islander at 7:27 PM on October 9, 2013 [6 favorites]


i don't think it's people completely disbelieving that partners might not want to pee in front of each other - it's that they have that line, but hanging out with a tumbler of jizz water is fine and dandy.
posted by nadawi at 7:28 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


but hanging out with a tumbler of ...

I said I wanted fizzy water!
posted by zippy at 7:30 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


This (pdf) is where you need to shop for all your bedside needs.

Page 16: "scrotal calipers"
posted by zippy at 7:33 PM on October 9, 2013


Is the Showtime series Masters of Sex airing in the UK? Because I'm suddenly afraid we just fell for an admittedly-quite-clever viral marketing scheme.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:05 PM on October 9, 2013


It's where they make their cereal/soup.
posted by Carillon at 8:26 PM on October 9, 2013


I am just loving the fact that my most favorited comment on the blue is a dick joke.
posted by Aversion Therapy at 8:40 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


Currently with 69 favorites.
posted by zippy at 8:41 PM on October 9, 2013


Whoever favorites beyond that is a Bad Person
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:46 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Mine was the magical 69th favorite. so special. junk-dunk, scrotal calipers, wiener cleaner, penis breaker (I read it that way at first, too), I am guffawing and scaring the dog. You know how sometimes somebody laughs out loud, then kind of sighs? It's a geezer thing. No, not doing that at all, why do you ask? If I'm wondering if Aversion Therapy is eponstyrical, is that wrong?
posted by theora55 at 8:56 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm glad someone else already mentioned the epic wiping discussion, because this is definitely similar, although maybe this is more like "I carry a squeeze bottle of pure water to wash my bits in the loo, doesn't everyone?"

No wait, it's actually weirder than that.

So is this like a science-lab beaker, with graduated measurements and all, or do Brits call something a "beaker" that we would call "vase", "pitcher" or "random glass container"?
posted by emjaybee at 9:02 PM on October 9, 2013


So is this like a science-lab beaker, with graduated measurements and all, or do Brits call something a "beaker" that we would call "vase", "pitcher" or "random glass container"?

Since they had to explain to a visitor not to drink out of it, I assumed it was basically just...a glass.
posted by naoko at 9:06 PM on October 9, 2013


Genius! It could be like a little car wash with soap sprayers, little rotating wheels of sponge flaps and an air cannon dryer at the end. And you could choose between programs like the ones at my local Chevron car wash. I usually get "The Works".

Have an A1 Day!
posted by macadamiaranch at 9:09 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]


O FOR A BEAKER FULL OF THE WARM SOUTH
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:10 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm generally a member of the "there are [not many] dumb questions" club, but I find myself increasingly annoyed at people who assume that others do things that are so non-standard while never even for a second considered that it might be non-standard. If you simply assume that people do similar things like dipping a penis in a beaker, there is something missing in your ability to connect with the world. Not that that you think people might do this (because hey, people might), but that they definitely do this, and ho - now it's so strange that no one else is stepping up to admit it. This is s combination between social tone-deafness and an inability to actually perceive of a better solution to said situation, because really, there are so many better solutions to penis-in-beaker scenarios.

I find myself strangely with little sympathy for someone not getting this, and I'm usually pretty sympathetic to a lot of things.
posted by SpacemanStix at 10:16 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Is it just me or does the Mumsnet logo look like something we'd see for a Charlie's Angels reunion show 10 years later? Groovy bell bottoms and lots of action, only with babies and bottles instead of guns? With a special cameo by Dick Beaker, private eye?
posted by Bella Donna at 10:53 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Genius! It could be like a little car wash with soap sprayers, little rotating wheels of sponge flaps and an air cannon dryer at the end. And you could choose between programs like the ones at my local Chevron car wash. I usually get "The Works".

Great. Now I can't stop picturing that poor cat who's tortured by Marc Antony (?) the bulldog in various ways as he screams THE WORKS... NOT THE WORKS!

I couldn't find that online, so here's NOT HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:57 PM on October 9, 2013


See to me a penis beaker is like a raven that beak-attacks unsuspecting dudes' junk
posted by lordaych at 1:09 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


"No obviously it would be full of a gentle saline solution or distilled water. NOT NAIL POLISH REMOVER."

SCIENCE!
posted by Blasdelb at 1:11 AM on October 10, 2013


God I love some of the comments. Sex wee. Wank mittens. It's as though the mum's coffee group suddenly started channelling Roger Mellie.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:15 AM on October 10, 2013


I think they missed the boat with the name. I was rooting for Dick Dunker.
posted by generichuman at 1:31 AM on October 10, 2013


I think Dick Beaker is a nephew of Clint Flicker
posted by zippy at 1:48 AM on October 10, 2013


penis beaker? Who'd need one of those when a bedroom's got chintzy curtains handy?
posted by guy72277 at 1:51 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Penis Beaker" and "Cum Box" are two things I sort of wish I didn't know about. Thanks, internet.
posted by DWRoelands at 2:33 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


A strange peen ritual thread with potential Muppet joke crossover and I am just now reading this.




WHY DID NOBODY ALERT ME TO THIS IMPORTANT MATTER




(>,<)
posted by louche mustachio at 3:16 AM on October 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


An ex-girlfriend once spilled some nail polish on herself and then tried to clean her sensitive parts with nail polish remover.

How does a person spill nail polish on her pussy? Was there an open bottle in the shower she "accidentally fell onto"? I mean, I've spilled nail polish before but always onto an antique table or expensive carpet like a normal person.

I also once accidentally got nail polish into a baby's eye, but I'm willing to admit that is almost as fucked up as getting it in your twat.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:26 AM on October 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


Great, great post Wordshore. Some of the wit and writing on Mumsnet is just superb:

"On reflection, I think the beaker is less odd than telling your mates about it.

Your partner will now and forever more be Dennis - that bloke who shoves his cock in a cup after sex.

Next time he goes down the pub and his mates all cover their pint glasses with beer mats, you'll know why."

Here's another classic. How boring family oriented resort chain has become a kind of code for sexual adventure. Magic.
posted by The Salaryman at 3:38 AM on October 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


Some people must have very accommodating sinks, I don't know how one would go about "rinsing it off in the sink" at my house without a stepstool and some seriously awkward planking.
posted by Red Loop at 3:44 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Who'd need one of those when a bedroom's got chintzy curtains handy?

Clearly wiping one's cock on the curtains is something one only does following a one night stand since it is followed by leaving. Wiping one's cock on one's own curtains? Animalistic.
posted by biffa at 3:51 AM on October 10, 2013 [6 favorites]


Serene, she used to do her toenails while sitting naked on her bed. She would balance the bottle on her knee or thigh. Was on the phone, got distracted, knocked it over towards her with her hand and it spilled.
posted by zarq at 4:05 AM on October 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


This Brit doesn't use a penis beaker. I use a penis bucket.
posted by Decani at 4:09 AM on October 10, 2013 [5 favorites]


Some people must have very accommodating sinks, I don't know how one would go about "rinsing it off in the sink" at my house without a stepstool and some seriously awkward planking.

Well, it's either an accommodating sink, or -
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:13 AM on October 10, 2013


It's so much better if you imagine all the Mumsnet posters sound like Vicky Pollard.
posted by xqwzts at 5:00 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Decani, that's an awful thing to say about your partner.
posted by biffa at 5:01 AM on October 10, 2013 [6 favorites]


Hats off to the Telegraph. When the link started doing the rounds yesterday I was betting the online papers would be desperate for the traffic, but there's no real news peg to justify a story about penis beakering.

Then mumsnet make an off-the-cuff comment about how busy their servers are and ta-da PENIS BEAKER BRINGS TRAFFIC CHAOS TO MUMS
posted by bonaldi at 5:15 AM on October 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


In what I can only assume is some karmic show of justice after all the lulz I got from this yesterday, my dog woke up at 5:30 this morning to sit on the pillow next to mine and loudly and hungrily slorp every last millimeter of his penis.
posted by phunniemee at 5:41 AM on October 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


Dogging=>seagulling

YOU ARE A MONSTER
posted by psoas at 6:21 AM on October 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


Swizzle my drizzle.
posted by Kabanos at 6:54 AM on October 10, 2013


Penis dunking reminds me of a joke I heard a comic do years ago - something about condoms being too expensive, but they're made of latex, and you know what else is made of latex? Housepaint! So he just keeps a can of Sears Weather Beater housepaint next to the bed, and just dips that puppy in there.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:31 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I love you all. This thread is pure gold.

From the Sexbox link:

All the generalisations, all the platitudes about love, all the thinly disguised tee-hee: it was just so boring. Before long my mind started to wander. I started imagining things that would liven up the experience. I wished that halfway through their time in the Box, one half of a couple would burst out wearing rubber dungarees and carrying half of a broken electric whisk. "Come quickly, Mariella, there's been an accident."

I really want someone to Punk the Sexbox crew now. Penis beaker or scrotal calipers, it matters not, but it must be done.

Dan Savage could be in on it; we know he would play along.

"Of course, yes, essence of jasmine and onion peels are my favorites, also. Now, I prefer the mandolin to the cheese grater. That's just common sense, though, hygienically--"

"What--do straight people really not know about this? This is Gay Sex 101! Seriously, you're kidding me, right?"
posted by misha at 9:03 AM on October 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


psoas: round where I live there is another meaning for seagulling, albeit linked to the one in urban dictionary. Basically if people are watching people at it in a car and finding it personally stimulating to the point of exclamation then they might find themselves imitating the locally prolific gulls in necessitating the vehicle owner make a trip to the Asda car wash.
posted by biffa at 9:05 AM on October 10, 2013


nadawi: "hanging out with a tumbler of jizz water"

zippy: "I said I wanted fizzy water!"

OK, I don't think I'll be able to look at bottles of Izze Sparkling Lemon the same way ever again...
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:18 AM on October 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


This lake is cold.

And deep too!
posted by Mick at 9:28 AM on October 10, 2013


Have you guys tried those new Dyson AirBlade things?
I don't know why anyone buys them; they're so much messier to use than a normal urinal.
posted by Tool of the Conspiracy at 10:33 AM on October 10, 2013 [10 favorites]


Washcloth

Warm/hot water

A drop or two of lavender oil


That will do.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:32 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I just texted "I'm reading about the penis beaker to a friend so who am I to judge" to a neighbor. Our texted conversation had been zipping back and forth but it just stopped. Just her "..." of an unsent text, waiting, judging...
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:11 PM on October 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


I really hope her husband thinks this whole thing is funny. I hate to think of this wonderful lady, who has shared something so unbelievably hilarious with us all, having to suffer for such an act of comedic generosity.
posted by dialetheia at 1:43 PM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I really hope her husband thinks this whole thing is funny.

This is a man who dunks his dongle in a glass, which sometimes is used to hold pee, but is also apparently stored in the kitchen where it's at risk of being used for juice. If this guy somehow is unable to see the humor in this situation, then this lady needs to DTMFA.
posted by phunniemee at 2:13 PM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Agreed, phunniemee! I only say that because she disappeared from the Mumsnet thread halfway through and still hasn't returned. I would assume she's just mortified, but she seemed to be taking it well until her sudden disappearance. Ah well - she's probably just hiding from overly-inquisitive morning show interviewers, the Daily Fail, &etc.
posted by dialetheia at 2:53 PM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I had the unique misfortune of encountering this thread last night after consuming a truly heroic amount of medical cannabis, and I laughed myself into a coughing fit and almost threw up. My abs and face are sore.

But now that I'm thinking clearly, I hope it's not too late to suggest that were the roles reversed, she should totally use a vadge-uated cylinder

Also I called my dog a "cock flask" earlier
posted by jake at 8:44 PM on October 10, 2013


It hurts when I laugh.

Just stop!!

OK, don't stop. Just let me catch my breath here.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:14 PM on October 10, 2013


Pardon me if I missed it up thread, but has anyone found out what the muff sieve is yet?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:36 PM on October 10, 2013


Someone on the mumsnet thread suggested it was for removing popping candy.
posted by Catch at 10:39 PM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I just want to share this horror:
Apparently Margaret Thatcher would 'open the backdoor for negotiations with the IRA' on Dennis's birthday.
According to the Observer.


Thanks Mumsnet. Thanks.
posted by Mezentian at 6:09 AM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


My wince just cringed.
posted by forgetful snow at 9:55 AM on October 11, 2013


Every time I hear the phrase "penis beaker" now, I hear it sung by Bob Pollard to the tune of GbV's "Evil Speakers."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:51 AM on October 11, 2013


And then there's halloween...
posted by Wordshore at 12:36 PM on October 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


Genius! It could be like a little car wash with soap sprayers, little rotating wheels of sponge flaps and an air cannon dryer at the end. And you could choose between programs like the ones at my local Chevron car wash. I usually get "The Works".

Already patented, I'm afraid.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:56 AM on October 27, 2013


Meanwhile, in Portland...
posted by Artw at 10:03 AM on October 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


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