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What's That?
November 12, 2005 9:25 AM Subscribe

What's That? Sadly, the education of the youth of amerika is declining in more than one way. The other day I was at the grocery store and the checker was unable to identify a portabello mushroom. And no, she wasn't new...and to make matters worse the checker next to her didn't know either. (more inside)
posted by MiHail (1025 comments total) 206 users marked this as a favorite

What, have they cut funding for mycology classes?
posted by mmahaffie at 9:29 AM on November 12, 2005 [5 favorites]

I really do hate to be snarky here, but when did they teach the virtues of culinary fungal usage in school?

Okay, maybe I don't hate.
posted by onedarkride at 9:30 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

It's spelled "America," do you even use the spellcheck tool?
posted by rxrfrx at 9:30 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

maybe she was eating too many of these mushrooms
posted by jonmc at 9:30 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: Your blog is my blog too
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:30 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

Yours is surely a hard lot, my friend. Your fortitude in the face of such an outrage is an inspiration to us all. How you summon the strength to keep on living in the aftermath I can't possibly imagine.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 9:31 AM on November 12, 2005 [11 favorites]

I find your views interesting where can I subscribe to your 'blog?
posted by Mitheral at 9:31 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Yes, education does seem to a bit on a downhill slope these days. We need more funding for edible fungi education.

Just for the record, you might want to capitalize proper nouns like America. Which is, incidentally, spelled with a 'c'.
posted by codswallop at 9:33 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

whur tf is the mi
posted by Count Ziggurat at 9:33 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

It's also spelled portobello. Sadly, the education of the youth in blah blah blah
posted by Wolfdog at 9:33 AM on November 12, 2005 [6 favorites]

Hehe... Inshallah, ze shtupid Amerikans will recognize dis mushroom when we strike down upon ze Great Satan.

<diabolical laughter>

GYOB, MH.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:34 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

this is a joke, right?
posted by dabitch at 9:34 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

So I had to tell her what it was and she looked it up in her little produce cheat sheet since it didn't have one of those ubiquitous PLU codes. That started me wondering...what exactly do those codes mean? (sorry, you have to subscribe to read the entire article, but the essentials are on the first page). Here's the apple association's explanation. There's even a website where you can look up PLUs for all kinds of things (Warning: I had some trouble with this site).

I've read articles about this phenomenon happening but couldn't quite believe it until it happened to me.

But to perk us all up, here are a couple recipes I found which sound mighty yummy: a portobello risotto and a really great sounding grilled stuffed portabello that I intend to try as soon as I can!
posted by MiHail at 9:35 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

No no, Wolfdog, when that spelling is used they mean the portable kind.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:35 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Gee, thanks everyone, for giving me some time to write my "more inside" comments.
posted by MiHail at 9:35 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning about mushrooms?
posted by goatdog at 9:35 AM on November 12, 2005 [7 favorites]

Poor MiHail. His/her one and only other FPP was mocked for not utilizing [more inside].
posted by Gator at 9:35 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

'course back in my day the education system believed the the three r's: readin' 'n' writin' 'n' recognizin' mushrumps..
posted by Wolfdog at 9:36 AM on November 12, 2005 [10 favorites]

MiHail, if this isn't a joke I feel sorry for you now. :/
posted by dabitch at 9:36 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

so you want this to be on the standardized tests that the kids are all studying for now?

being more along the lines of Benjamin Franklin's take on food: meh.
posted by Busithoth at 9:36 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail - give you time? Did you think this was plastic.com? ;)
posted by dabitch at 9:37 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail, did you read the mefi guidlines about posting a FPP? This was an awful FPP and more "blogish" than informative.
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:37 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Also, MiHail, it's a good idea to prepare your [more inside] in advance, so you can be assured of posting it in the first comment.
posted by Gator at 9:39 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

this picture of portobello mushrooms is not the best one on the web.
posted by puddles at 9:40 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

MiHail writes "Gee, thanks everyone, for giving me some time to write my 'more inside' comments."

MiHail, may I suggest a few changes to your posting style
a) less editorializing
b) make you best link the header link
c) have your MI ready before posting the outside
d) be gracious when people snarkily point out a-c in a sure to be deleted FPP.
posted by Mitheral at 9:40 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

i mean it IS, it IS the best
posted by puddles at 9:40 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Sorry about the earlier snark, MiHail, but I started believing the [more inside] would never actually ever happen. I'm geeky enough to dig PLU codes - I would particularly like to know if the system is used worldwide - but don't you think this post would work better if you made the FP bit slightly more interesting than a personal anecdote and a link to an image of a mushroom?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:41 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Did she not know that it was a mushroom, or did she just not know that it was a portobello mushroom? I think the latter is pretty forgivable.

Anyway, I think it's more disturbing that 36% of British schoolkids don't know that chips are made out of potatoes.
posted by chrismear at 9:42 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

"Did you think this was plastic.com?"

++goodgood
;-P . - luv m
posted by mischief at 9:43 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

rxrfrx and codswallop, you are complete twits. Spelling "America" as "amerika" was DELIBERATE. Maybe you could get a job. As a checker at a grocery store.

My overall point was that perhaps one of the reasons why kids are unable to identify a relatively simple item such as a portabello mushroom is that they are not being exposed to such foods EVEN THOUGH THEY WORK in a grocery store. The only food groups they can identify are fries, pizza, and hamburgers. Now if I'd gone up there with a nicely cello-wrapped package of presliced white button mushrooms, she'd have no problem even knowing what was in the box; that's what the bar code is for, after all. The united states (and yes, THAT was deliberate too) vaunts itself as having more and more sophisticated palates, i.e. we're more willing to try unusual tastes, but then one runs across things like this where, I suspect, this person was raised on a steady diet of hamburger helper or something.
posted by MiHail at 9:43 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Well clearly this is a dumb post and this isn't the place to be posting about what happened to you today.

What's interesting, though, is that it needn't have been a dumb post. If multiple cashiers can't identify a mushroom, that doesn't mean they're poorly educated. As others have pointed out, mushroom identification is not well-represented on standardized tests and therefore not taught by schools.

However, it is still telling and interesting that a disadvantaged segment of the population can't identify what would be reasonably well-known among a (even slightly) more privileged set. And most telling that it isn't really a money thing -- it's not like the cashier couldn't afford a portabello mushroom, so this isn't the same as her not knowing how to identify different kinds of golf clubs.

So what this speaks to isn't lack of education or lack of money, but isolation. Disadvantaged people often lack meaningful social ties to the more advantaged and as a result they live in different worlds. Things well-known in one world can be essentially unheard of in another.

This post actually reminded me of this Atlantic Monthly article about people in Tunica County Mississippi and the casinos built there. Specifically it reminded me of the woman who didn't know what toast was.

So yes, a dumb post, and I flagged it as such. But surely it need not have been dumb. That's the sad part...he could have done some looking around and found some links that would actually shed some light on this issue. I would do some looking and post them here, but I expect the thread will be deleted soon.
posted by duck at 9:44 AM on November 12, 2005 [10 favorites]

And also know that the slightest infration precieved will bring down the wrath of commenters who just wait and get off on posting clever remarks as put downs...
posted by Postroad at 9:44 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

I liked MiHail's FPP (with the added more inside goodness). But regarding MiHail's complaint, you have to be ready for Internet time. 6 minutes is an eternity for a FPP to go without the inside goodness.

The open secret is that you prepare your "inside" text well in advance, and you cut-and-paste it into place immeidately after you post your story.

But, yes, people can seem to be asses when responding to your story. It happens. Gotta have the thick skin if you post stories.
posted by jmccorm at 9:45 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I blame GTA.
posted by iamck at 9:46 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

When did portobello mushrooms get popular in the US? I feel old that it was probably after my schooling was completed.
posted by smackfu at 9:46 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Postroad:

... the slightest infration precieved will bring down the wrath of commenters ...

Perhaps your meant infraction?
posted by jmccorm at 9:47 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

"on posting clever remarks as put downs..." since 1999
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:47 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

rxrfrx and codswallop, you are complete twits. Spelling "America" as "amerika" was DELIBERATE.

And not cliched at all. I'm still waiting for "U$."

Maybe you could get a job. As a checker at a grocery store.

I worked in grocery stores for five years. Drag yourself out of bed at 6 in the morning, put on an apron, unload trucks, mop up disgusting stains, listen to kvetching customers, and squalling kids, all for the princely sum of minnimum wage, and see how much you like listening to self-important shitheads like yourself give botany refreshers.
posted by jonmc at 9:50 AM on November 12, 2005 [21 favorites]

In elementary, they teach you what mushrooms are, but I don't believe that types of edible mushrooms are covered in great detail during junior high or high school. Too human specific for biology or general science. Perhaps learning the various types of supermarket mushrooms would be more of a home-economics class type of issue. But that is an elective.

Generally, you don't seen teenagers getting all involved in things like mushrooms and cheeses. That is the kind of stuff you find of importance when you get older.
posted by jmccorm at 9:51 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

OK, MiHail, your "united states" was as deliberate as your "amerika", but why?

GYOLJFW
posted by emelenjr at 9:51 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Hands of Manos: I enjoy your handle very much. It is the handle I enjoy.
posted by jmccorm at 9:52 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

I tried to buy a piece of Havarti cheese the other day, and the cashier rang it up as Gruyere. Truly, we are all doomed.
posted by nyterrant at 9:52 AM on November 12, 2005 [6 favorites]

but then one runs across things like this where, I suspect, this person was raised on a steady diet of hamburger helper or something.

I've eaten my share. Tuna Helper, too. Meatloaf, rice-a-roni and canned vegetables, too. I've managed to survive, you cadillac commie.
posted by jonmc at 9:53 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

Yesterday, I went to Office Depot to buy an office chair. I pulled the little tag on the display and handed it to the cashier. She scanned it, and informed me that the chair was out of stock. I pointed out a display of nine unopened boxes containing this particular chair, approximately ten feet away from her. She ignored me and began checking out the person behind me in line.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:53 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail, now that I'm mostly finished seeming to be an ass getting off posting clever, er whatever it was -- plucodes.com was potentially the most interesting link and probably should have been right up front in your post. Except it does seem rather broken. The "what do the codes mean" link seems like it would have been interesting too but I can't read most of it. All in all, problematic.
Portobello risotto is yummy, and as far as posting - maybe third time's the charm.
posted by Wolfdog at 9:53 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Listen - I'm not American, I'm middle-class and I'm very well educated. I even know how to spell Portobello. And I couldn't identify a Portobello Mushroom if I spent a romantic weekend in Paris with one, got married and had lots of little Portobello Mushroom children that I had to support by toiling for twenty years down the Portobello Mushroom mines.

The ability of identifying Portobello Mushrooms is, I suggest, a marker of nothing more significant than inate mushroom-recognition skill.
posted by flashboy at 9:53 AM on November 12, 2005 [19 favorites]

A mistake like this might be excusable. It is not excusable though when you go to a specialty cheese shop, ask for emmentaler, are told by the cashier that he does not have any, and are then asked whether you would like emmentaler. Those are the kind of mistakes that are disturbing.
posted by inconsequentialist at 9:56 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

A mistake like this might be excusable. It is not excusable though when you go to a specialty cheese shop, ask for emmentaler, are told by the cashier that he does not have any, and are then asked whether you would like emmentaler. Those are the kind of mistakes that are disturbing.

It's even worse when they have no cheese at all and you have to shoot them.
posted by jonmc at 9:58 AM on November 12, 2005 [18 favorites]

nothing more significant than inate mushroom-recognition skill
Or, to be fair, possibly mushroom-recoginition skill hard-earned through diligence and toil.
posted by Wolfdog at 9:58 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

When I read:

self-important shitheads like yourself give botany refreshers.

...I was pretty sure it was the funniest thing I had ever read on MeFi. Then I read this:

Listen - I'm not American, I'm middle-class and I'm very well educated. I even know how to spell Portobello. And I couldn't identify a Portobello Mushroom if I spent a romantic weekend in Paris with one, got married and had lots of little Portobello Mushroom children that I had to support by toiling for twenty years down the Portobello Mushroom mines.

flashboy wins.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 9:58 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

posted by jmccorm Generally, you don't seen teenagers getting all involved in things like mushrooms and cheeses. That is the kind of stuff you find of importance when you get older.

Well, in my town, teenage vegetable and cheese gangs are a huge problem--we've recently been through two turf wars with the northern fruit and wine gangs, and in recent months the processed-food kids have been causing all sorts of trouble.
posted by fandango_matt at 9:59 AM on November 12, 2005 [5 favorites]

Not to pile on, but "portobello" aka "Portabella" ad. infi. is not even an authentic mycological term. It's a marketing term, invented to sell overgrown (and, granted, delicious when grilled) button mushrooms.
posted by digaman at 9:59 AM on November 12, 2005 [7 favorites]

MiHail's phrasing of the situation -- "unable to identify" a portobello mushroom -- is now causing me to think of an amusing situation in which MiHail drags a series of traumatized young cashiers into a police station, forcing them to look at mushroom lineups and mugshots so as to identify the offending portobello.
posted by Gator at 9:59 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

Well, in my town, teenage vegetable and cheese gangs are a huge problem--we've recently been through two turf wars with the northern fruit and wine gangs, and in recent months the processed-food kids have been causing all sorts of trouble.

Wait until the sushi and wasabi gangs start muscling in, it'll drive the property values of the whole buffett down, I tell ya!
posted by jonmc at 10:00 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Show us on the mushroom where Porto Bello touched you.
posted by fandango_matt at 10:01 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

I couldn't recognize a portawhatever 'shroom. But, I don't work in a grocery store either.
posted by marxchivist at 10:01 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Or, to be fair, possibly mushroom-recoginition skill hard-earned through diligence and toil.

Oh sure, you can learn to be a good mushroom-recogniser. But a great one? Nah. That shit's something you're born with.
posted by flashboy at 10:01 AM on November 12, 2005 [5 favorites]

delete delete delete
posted by angry modem at 10:02 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

IF I LOOKING FOR FROG
posted by Krrrlson at 10:02 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

rxrfrx and codswallop, you are complete twits. Spelling "America" as "amerika" was DELIBERATE

If you can be snarky, can't I be smarmy?
posted by codswallop at 10:02 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

P.S. I'll identify my mushroom
posted by fandango_matt at 10:03 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Mushroom mushroom.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:04 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

OK, this is EXACTLY why I've become a longtime lurker rather than active poster. I've tried to avoid (a) newsfilter posts (2) political posts (3) posting at all because this is ALWAYS the same kind of crap that I get, and it boils down to "your post is crap." I was trying to post something different, folks.

My overall point was that (1) here was someone whose job is to sell food, and could not identify a (relatively) common food item, because they have become dependant on those four-number PLUs and barcodes to do their job. Their job is to stand there with the drool running down their chins and pass your purchases in front of a machine or maybe punch a few numbers into a keypad occasionally. When confronted with an item with neither of these conveniences, they couldn't figure out what it was. Which brings me to point number (2): I find the fact that this young woman had obviously never had a delicious grilled portabello (and by the way, there are MANY accepted spellings--portabello, portobello, even portobella) burger somehow very sad.

I just love metafilter, read it very often, but really really really HATE the "your post sux" comments that every infrequent poster seems to get. Did you stop to consider that maybe there's a reason WHY I don't post frequently? It's because there are post flamers out there that are always very eager to point out what was wrong about a given post rather than consider the content itself.

I felt like to start a post such as this out with a personal anecdote because otherwise I most certainly would have gotten "why the hell are you posting this stupid boring shit" comments. Providing the reason for the post seemed eminently logical to me. And yes, I used "more inside" because I'd been attacked for that. Now I'm being attacked for not having properly prepared to immediately dump my "more inside" comments quickly enough.

Therefore, I will go back once again to lurk mode since what Metafilter seems to become is a place to beat up posters, rather than consider that a post might have merit.

FWIW, I personally find the waxing/processing/labeling of everything we eat rather creepy. Somewhere some computer is tabulating the fact that I really, really like Braeburn apples.

Back to lurk status.
posted by MiHail at 10:04 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

angry modem: Delete? Are you kidding? This is one of the funnier discussions evar!
posted by jmccorm at 10:05 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I couldn't recognize a portawhatever 'shroom. But, I don't work in a grocery store either.

Marxchivist, you wouldn't recognize a portobello mushroom if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "Portobello Mushrooms Are Here Again."
posted by Gator at 10:05 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

MiHail: No.... don't lurk. The shock to you may be that you've succeeded brilliantly. What is better than making a FPP that someone reads is making a FPP that people respond to. And a funny one. Sure, you may have been the butt of some jokes, but as far as FPPs go, this beats the socks off of an droll intellectual story that nobody clicks and nobody bothers to reply to.
posted by jmccorm at 10:08 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

MiHail maybe you should move to Canada or Europe or some place where the education system isn't failing the youth.
posted by thirteenkiller at 10:09 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

So let me get this straight, MH... You're upset because the cashier didn't know what a portobello (yes, THAT was deliberate) mushroom was!?

Unless this was some small mom 'n pop grocery store, I find your outrage completely misplaced. The grocery store my brother manages is enormous; with in-house bakery, deli, butchery, pharmacy, and even home furniture departments. Don't tell me you expect a cashier -- who sees literally thousands of products in front of them, daily -- to know every single item you deign to purchase. If you'd asked someone in the produce department, they'd be much more (read: 90-99%) likely to know about your lovely little sub-category of mushrooms.

A cashier's job is to ring through your order. They don't have the time -- or the wage to justify -- knowing every single product in the store. (That comes with time and repeated exposure to the codes and products. And special products which are not always stocked, can cause problems. It usually involves a call to the department for a price check. Believe it or not, price checks are fairly routine.)

Frankly, the general tenor of your post -- complete with mis-spelling portobello mushroom -- was pretty arrogant. You called the cashier, essentially, an uncultured, hamburger-helper munching idiot, because they didn't know anything about mushrooms you don't care enough to spell properly. Why exactly should I be nice to you?

Your [more inside] was informative. However, you might want to read our guidelines before crying victim. Get off the cross, we need the kindling.
posted by Dark Messiah at 10:11 AM on November 12, 2005 [6 favorites]

Therefore, I will go back once again to lurk mode

It's always the right idea to go with your strengths, but few of us recognize what they truly are. Good for you!
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:14 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

you wouldn't recognize a portobello mushroom if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "Portobello Mushrooms Are Here Again."

That wasn't addressed to me but I would recognize a portobello, a large portobello. In fact, if you've got a moment, I would recognize a twelve-storey portobello with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeted throughout; twenty-four hour porterage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'This is a Large Portobello'.
posted by codswallop at 10:14 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

My overall point was that (1) here was someone whose job is to sell food, and could not identify a (relatively) common food item, because they have become dependant on those four-number PLUs and barcodes to do their job. Their job is to stand there with the drool running down their chins and pass your purchases in front of a machine or maybe punch a few numbers into a keypad occasionally. When confronted with an item with neither of these conveniences, they couldn't figure out what it was. Which brings me to point number (2): I find the fact that this young woman had obviously never had a delicious grilled portabello (and by the way, there are MANY accepted spellings--portabello, portobello, even portobella) burger somehow very sad.

I think the problem isn't that it started with an anecdote so much as that it ended with an anecdote. If those were your points, why didn't you find some articles about the deskilling of labour, its causes and consequences? About how and why diets vary across different segments of the population?
posted by duck at 10:14 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

That's not so bad. America's education is really in trouble with cashiers can't recognize Super Mushrooms.
posted by Servo5678 at 10:15 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

The grocery store my brother manages is enormous; with in-house bakery, deli, butchery, pharmacy, and even home furniture departments.

Your brother dosen't manage this place(which along with the aforementioned features an inhouse dairy, ice cream stand, animatronic country-music singing dairy products, wandering costumed characters and a fucking petting zoo), does he?

I spent the weirdest year of my life working an overnight shift as a baker's helper there when I was 21. 90% of my co workers we're recent immigrants. This must have been a baffling introduction to America for them.
posted by jonmc at 10:16 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

middle class twit looks down on poor working girl because she doesn't know what a portabello mushroom is ... then posts a link to a picture of a mushroom to metafilter expecting us to join him in his disdain of hamburger helper cash register punching morons

free clue - she's kept her job a hell of a lot longer than matt's going to keep this pitiful excuse for a fpp
posted by pyramid termite at 10:18 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

Somewhere some computer is tabulating the fact that I really, really like Braeburn apples.
Probably half of them were misidentified as Gala or Jonagold, so I think you're safe.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:18 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail, please don't be discouraged from posting. I would hate it if the reaction to your post kept you from contributing.

The point I would like to make is that MeFi is a busy place and there are many posts appearing on the front page every day. If all people see on the FP is a personal anecdote (regardless of whether it's an interesting one or not) and a link to an image of a foodstuff, it's really difficult to be interested. And yes, using [more inside] is an excellent practice and yes, it's best to have it prepared in advance for pasting right after your FPP - people (me included) are triggerhappy on commenting, it's a mild but persistent kind of ADD that comes free with MeFi membership - but none of that really matters when the FPP itself is so light on actual content.

Seriously, I'd love to see a post on PLU codes (or education, or whatever your intended topic was), but Metafilter is all about the links, and excessive editorialising is frowned upon. Please don't let this keep you from contributing.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:20 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Jon: wow, just fuckin' wow... It's kind of frightening to conceptualize a store that massive.

We do have a Farmboy store that has huge 8 foot tall mechnical hillbillies (with banjos!), but that doesn't top your link.

Also, I thought the restaurant industry has the market cornered when it comes to immigrant labour.
posted by Dark Messiah at 10:21 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

They don't have the time -- or the wage to justify -- knowing every single product in the store..

You know, it always amazes me that the cashiers at Bulk Barn always do seem to be able to identify all the products they sell. I can walk in and buy three different kinds of flour, some baking powder, baking soda, pancake mix, cake or muffin mix and any number of things that basically amount to white or off-white powder and they never have to ask and they always get it right (I know because you can see on the screen what they rang up "432g Pastry Flour" "792g Complete Pancake Mix" etc.).

Ditto spices that are all crushed up leaves, and different varieties or rice and all sorts of other things. Maybe the OP should do more of his shopping at Bulk Barn.
posted by duck at 10:21 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

We summered in Puerto Bello once, it was nice but a little clammy at night.
posted by fenriq at 10:21 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

how to make a mushroom out of george washington's head

you did have a dollar bill with you, didn't you? ... perhaps you should have demonstrated for her ... or are dollar bills too low class for you to carry around?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:21 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

as far as FPPs go, this beats the socks off of an droll intellectual story that nobody clicks and nobody bothers to reply to

No it doesn't. Honest.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:22 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Jon: wow, just fuckin' wow... It's kind of frightening to conceptualize a store that massive.

Just to make it more interesting, the owner and founder went to prison for a few years on tax charges, right after I left.
posted by jonmc at 10:24 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Duck: like I said in the brackets, given enough time the codes become engrained. I worked in a meat department and had somewhere between 300 and 400 codes memorised.
posted by Dark Messiah at 10:24 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I may be wrong, but a cashier's job isn't to know what every item in the store is. Have you BEEN to a decently sized grocery store? How could anyone know every single item in it? Their job is to make sure you get charged the right price for your item. If that means asking you what it is, so be it.

If you had gone to a small local market, where this person with the cashbox was the daughter/son of the person who had grown all this stuff...or if you had gone to a mushroom shop, I could handle your outrage.

As it is...heck, I work in retail, and I can't identify the purpose of every piece of electronic accessory that we supply. There are too many, and I don't have experience with them all.
posted by ArsncHeart at 10:24 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail - don't let the door hit you on the way out.

As a former grocery store cashier, it's pricks like you that made me hate my job. Don't assume that just because I work at a store that I actually eat everything there. What is common to you might not be common to someone else no matter how self-important you feel.
posted by Stynxno at 10:25 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

Your condescention, as jonmc already pointed out, towards people working a register at a supermarket is obnoxious (especially when paired with your implied kindergarten protests against "amerikkka"). It must pain you greatly that poor people don't know what a big mushroom is called and have never grilled one up at a Sunday BBQ (maybe they were working).
posted by Falconetti at 10:25 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

The angered response to us not "getting" the deep complexity of posting a picture of a mushroom to the front page has made this into one of the greaterst threads ever.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 10:26 AM on November 12, 2005 [5 favorites]

really HATE the "your post sux" comments that every infrequent poster seems to get.

MiHail, I just posted my very first FPP yesterday, and nobody even came close to giving me a hard time about it. Of course, I wasn't "trying to be different," like you -- I was just posting a link to a site that had games for playing. But I lurked here for years, finally registered this summer but still refrained from posting, finally started making comments here and there just recently, and by the time I was ready to take the FPP plunge I knew what the conventions were for doing so.

It's an exaggeration to say that people are "attacking" you in this thread. At worst, it's been the equivalent of teasing the freshman who didn't realize there's no pool on the roof of the high school. Like that freshman, if you stick around and participate, you'll get the hang of the environment.
posted by Gator at 10:26 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

"...poor people don't know what a big mushroom is called and have never grilled one up at a Sunday BBQ (maybe they were working)"

Or couldn't afford more than a box of Kraft dinner.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:27 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Why is ~~everyone~~ MiHail mad about the ~~cups~~ mushrooms?
posted by fandango_matt at 10:27 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Duck: like I said in the brackets, given enough time the codes become engrained. I worked in a meat department and had somewhere between 300 and 400 codes memorised.

Oh, they don't always know the codes. I could 100% understand how eventually you'd come to memorize codes.

They have a little cylnidirical spiny thing where they look up the codes. What amazes me is that they know what code to look for. How do they know in a split second without even examining the product carefully if they should be looking up the code for the baking soda or baking powder? It really is amazing. Maybe my education is lacking, but I don't think I could do it even with lots of practice.
posted by duck at 10:29 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

oh, damn, loquacious ... that's funny
posted by pyramid termite at 10:29 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

mr_crash_davis writes "Or couldn't afford more than a box of Kraft dinner."

No name cheese dinner you mean.
posted by Mitheral at 10:31 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

*confession*
I couldn't pick a portobello mushroom out of a line-up
*hangs head in shame*

Metafilter: it's like dropping a kitten in a pirhana tank...
posted by blue_beetle at 10:32 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

lurk off

Before you all crash on me, I missed the error in my previous post--it should read " I like to start a post such as this..."

Another point: Surely this was not the first portabello mushroom the checker has encountered. There were a bunch of people buying them because they were on sale.

BTW, I typed every version of "portabello" I could think of, for you spelling nuts, into Google. The only one Google didn't ask "did you mean...." on was "portabella". Not that Google is the final authority or anything. However, EVERY variant brought up a miriad of recipes.

Furthermore, I'm not making any assumptions about this person's socioeconomic status. Nor was I snobbily looking down on another person. I didn't want it to be that kind of post. I just thought it was kind of funny and sad at the same time--that it seemed to me that this person had become so dependent upon codes and computers that she was unable to deal with a situation outside the norm (i.e. a produce item without an identifying code). Another point: I happen to know that this particular grocery store has regular "produce quizzes" for its checkers so they CAN memorize the numbers or at least identify the food item. Even I know bananas are "4011".

PLU codes and UPC codes are convenient. They also seem to prevent people from being able to think.

But what the hell do I know? Nothing about posting, apparently.

Gator, I've done the same things you have. I actually did put thought into the structure of my post. So, thanks for the soothing comments but it seems to me that if MeFi becomes choked with "rules" about FPPs and how posts should be structured etc. etc. etc. it sure takes all the fun and adds a lot of fear for even daring to post something within a thread.

Perhaps this should be better discussed in MeTa, where, though I haven't posted, I lurk frequently as well.

and no, I'm not going to start the thread there. I don't dare.

lurk on
posted by MiHail at 10:34 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

What I love most about this post is that self-styled lefty MiHail (with all her "Amerika," bullshit) reveals herself to be an isufferable yppie twit underneath, like many of her cohorts.

The waiters you complain about piss in your soup, honey.
posted by jonmc at 10:35 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

flashboy - Listen - I'm not American, I'm middle-class and I'm very well educated. I even know how to spell Portobello. And I couldn't identify a Portobello Mushroom if I spent a romantic weekend in Paris with one, got married and had lots of little Portobello Mushroom children that I had to support by toiling for twenty years down the Portobello Mushroom mines.

i found her, flashboy! ... i'll see if i can get her phone number for you
posted by pyramid termite at 10:36 AM on November 12, 2005 [6 favorites]

Furthermore, I'm not making any assumptions about this person's socioeconomic status. Nor was I snobbily looking down on another person.

Keep telling yourself that.
posted by jonmc at 10:36 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Generic Mac and Cheese, man. 33 cents a box. Sometimes 25 cents. Good stuff.

Throw in some sliced garlic, oregano and a slice of pasteurized processed cheese product and you've got yourself an exotic gourmet meal.
posted by loquacious at 10:37 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Dude, Matt really sleeps in on Saturdays.
posted by graventy at 10:38 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

They also seem to prevent people from being able to think.

Yes. Because the name of a Portobello mushroom is something that can be deduced from first principles, if only you think about it hard enough.

Also, how are you using a different version of Google to everybody else?
posted by flashboy at 10:39 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

Has anyone said "GYFB" yet?
posted by keswick at 10:40 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail, although I don't think this was a stellar post, it was one of the funniest threads I've read here in a while so for that at least, thanks. Don't take it too hard, eh?
posted by LeeJay at 10:40 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

jonmc,

The first rule of Project Mayhem is that we do not talk about Project Mayhem.

Ass.
posted by MiHail at 10:40 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

jeesh - a sub-par FPP and everyone goes 4011
posted by marlowe at 10:41 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

i found her, flashboy! ... i'll see if i can get her phone number for you

Delphine! My God... I... I never thought you would...

How... how are the children? Please, just... Delphine! Delphine, come back!
posted by flashboy at 10:42 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

MiHail,

Fight Club paraphrasing is boring and cliched.

Princess.
posted by jonmc at 10:42 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Who are you calling Princess, Cupcake?
posted by loquacious at 10:44 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

who you calling Cupcake, Cantaloupe?
posted by jonmc at 10:44 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

loquacious: I am disappointed by your recommendation of the addition of "a slice of pasteurized processed cheese product" to the gormet dining experience. Would you have us dine with the commoners? We demand a cheese of enough sophistication that it cannot be identified by a standard American educated cashier to be included in said recipe!
posted by jmccorm at 10:46 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I was in a hardware store once and overheard a conversation about toilet seats. The young lady helping the older guy asked if he was interested in the "elongegated" or regular seats. He chuckled.

AND THEN JONMC KILLED HIM.
posted by bardic at 10:46 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Who are you calling Cantaloupe, Daikon?
posted by loquacious at 10:46 AM on November 12, 2005 [5 favorites]

clean up in aisle 46610 ... we've got mushrooms, princesses, cupcakes and cantalopes all in one big squishy mess
posted by pyramid termite at 10:46 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by mrgrimm at 10:47 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail, How do the cashiers have produce quizzes if all they do all day is "stand there with the drool running down their chins and pass your purchases in front of a machine or maybe punch a few numbers into a keypad occasionally."?

Ass.

Winn Dixie Bag Boy; 1993-1996
Hamburger Helper Eater; all my life
Represent.
posted by ND¢ at 10:47 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

Jeez, pyramid termite, that's a shiitake not a portabello. Don't you know anything?
posted by Frisbee Girl at 10:47 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by loquacious at 10:49 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Jeez, pyramid termite, that's a shiitake not a portabello. Don't you know anything?

hey, this whole thread's been a shittake
posted by pyramid termite at 10:49 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Frisbee Girl: There is no sense throwing feeces into the middle of a good mushroom discussion.
posted by jmccorm at 10:49 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Please identify these mushrooms.

posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:52 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

1 portobello mushroom
2 Tbs dijon mustard
1 cup balsamic vinegar
1/2 cup fresh parsley, chopped
1 tsp salt

1. Combine mustard, vinegar, parsley, and salt in large bowl. Stir until mustard dissolves. 2. Wash mushroom thoroughly and remove stem. 3. Marinate mushroom for three to four hours, stirring occasionally. 4. Grill mushroom until tender. 5. Go to http://www.metafilter.com. Smear mushroom on screen.
posted by eatitlive at 10:53 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

It's "myriad" not "miriad," MiHail. Boy are you stupid.

I am sending my tetris playing mushroom men to attack you:

posted by Falconetti at 10:54 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

Digaman is correct. Portabella, portobello, and crimini are all just marketers' names for the common pasture mushroom, from which the standard white mushrooms were originally bred; it's only the names which made them salable, apparently.
posted by cookie-k at 10:54 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Can't you tell you idiot? Damn, C_D, do we have to hold your hand?
posted by graventy at 10:54 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Please identify these mushrooms.

tinky winky, dipsy, and laa-laa ... someone must have put po on a hamburger
posted by pyramid termite at 10:55 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Portobello mushrooms are simply a large cremini, or brown button mushroom, for which you are charged a premium price. If you like portobellos, you may also like to pay more to display large manufacturers' logos on your clothes.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:55 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Pubic Hair!
posted by I Foody at 10:56 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I want you to think about something. Yes, employees in supermarkets are, generally not rocket scientists, but that's because those who are "a little closer to being rocket scientists" don't work in supermarkets because they have better jobs.

Supermarkets are deperate to find employees because the economy is good, so they recruit the bottom of the barrel, and have to scrape the bottom even harder to find anyone.

Do you really want an economy where literate, savvy people need to work at the checkout?
posted by ParisParamus at 10:58 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Please identify these mushrooms.

I would but I'm afraid my substandard American education has failed me. Paper or plastic?
posted by LeeJay at 10:58 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Portobello mushrooms are simply a large cremini, or brown button mushroom, for which you are charged a premium price. If you like portobellos, you may also like to pay more to display large manufacturers' logos on your clothes.

Well, to be fair, the extra growth time does make them taste different, even though they're the same species.
posted by transona5 at 10:58 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I like the intersection of the orginal theme of the post (technology makes braindead zombies) with the fact that the poster used google instead of a dictionary to check the spelling of word.
posted by Staggering Jack at 11:00 AM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

Well, to be fair, the extra growth time does make them
taste different, even though they're the same species.

Yeah. And I think they're bigger, too.
posted by jmccorm at 11:01 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

A strangely compelling thread. Not mentioned here, surprisingly, maybe because most people my age are dead or more likely, out raking leaves, but I remember the days when you went to the grocery store, turned left into the produce department, and they had one kind of lettuce, one kind of mushroom, one kind of carrot (OK, they still have one kind of carrot unless you count baby carrots or you go to a fancy Whole Foods market and have the kind of money it takes to buy purple carrots - their original color, by the way)...anyway, you get the point.

The profusion of kiwi, starfruit, and at least five different kinds of mushrooms in the average supermarket does not make the checker's job any easier. And I am fairly sure they don't have an indocrination video you have to watch that tells you how to tell the difference between a regular lemon and an organic lemon.
posted by kozad at 11:01 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

AND THEN JONMC KILLED HIM.

And since that day, I'm half the man I used to be.

clean up in aisle 46610 ... we've got mushrooms, princesses, cupcakes and cantalopes all in one big squishy mess

you forgot asses.

Grimm, during the day, those milk cartons sang and sang. I worked at night when they just stood there, motionless and mute. It was eerie, eerie, I tell ya.
posted by jonmc at 11:02 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

someone must have put po on a hamburger

Clearly, it the cashier. She diced poor po up to add to her Hamburger Helper.
posted by Frisbee Girl at 11:03 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I remember the days when you went to the grocery store, turned left into the produce department, and they had one kind of lettuce, one kind of mushroom, one kind of carrot

my mother remembers the days when she went to the garden and they had one kind of lettuce, one kind of squash and one kind of carrot ...
posted by pyramid termite at 11:04 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

See, at the grocery store I worked at (for three horrible years) all loose mushrooms were PLU#4085.

MiHail wrote
(1) here was someone whose job is to sell food, and could not identify a (relatively) common food item, because they have become dependant on those four-number PLUs and barcodes to do their job.
PLUs are used instead of manually typing every price and weight into the system so that the customer can leave the store faster. Do you know how much longer it would take if instead the cashiers had to remember dollars per pound price? Prices change every week, PLUs don't. Not to mention most stores strongly discourage price type-ins (like when you tell the cashier how much an item is but they still go looking for the price, that's so they don't get bitched out later by their superior).

(2) I find the fact that this young woman had obviously never had a delicious grilled portabello (and by the way, there are MANY accepted spellings--portabello, portobello, even portobella) burger somehow very sad.
Maybe she doesn't like mushrooms?
posted by krazykity16 at 11:04 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

the difference between a regular lemon and an organic lemon

Oh! You mean, one is man made and the other is natural? That explains why you can get lemon juice in these little plastic squeeze bottles that look like lemons but have a much longer shelf life!
posted by jmccorm at 11:04 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

in one of my first jobs somebody asked me to show him some cardigans, and i took him to the bathrobes...he was dismissive, but i got him back when i took his check and wrote 'hair: thin & gray' in the identification section...

we all have blind spots...in my senior year, the valedictorian of my high school class seriously asked me the difference between washington and washington, dc...she just never quite got it...but she was still incredibly smart about everything else

i couldn't give even the most basic names for a lot of the stuff in the produce section
posted by troybob at 11:05 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I had a friend that used to work nights in a supermarket. It was the first supermarket in my hometown that had one of those live lobster tanks. At night they would take the lobsters out of the tank and let them run down the aisles.
posted by eatitlive at 11:06 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

Their job is to stand there with the drool running down their chins and pass your purchases in front of a machine or maybe punch a few numbers into a keypad occasionally.

Late to the party, but I just wanted to add a big "fuck off" to people (not just you MiHail) who think like this.

The problem with this post has nothing to do with mushrooms. The problem with this post is the way that it condescends towards slack-jawed "drooling" grocery store clerks, and then disguising it as a condemnation of "Amerika" or the "united states" lack of quality education.

I am sure that if you did a post "educating" us on Mushrooms (or as duck says, the deskilling of labour), there would be no problem.
posted by Quartermass at 11:06 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

Grimm, during the day, those milk cartons sang and sang. I worked at night when they just stood there, motionless and mute. It was eerie, eerie, I tell ya.

i work in a factory that makes them and i've never heard a peep from them ... millions and millions of milk cartons ... all deathly quiet

it's spooky, alright
posted by pyramid termite at 11:06 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Oh, and I had another friend that worked at the Burger King and the whole crew fired for pissing in the flame broiler.
posted by eatitlive at 11:07 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I worked for a year in a supermarket (one of the large ones tha has all sorts of things, including specialty items from time to time) and there's a helluva lot of stuff in the produce department. Compared to just about every other item in the store, lots of produce doesn't include a UPC or PLU, so there's more to know there, sure.

But, there were at least six types of mushrooms at the store in which I worked. There were about that many types of apples, and quite a few variations of other produce items. Part of the training a cashier goes through is learning to identify produce, but we're not expected to learn everything right away. There's just too much stuff to expect someone making $6 an hour to know right away. As time goes by, you start to learn what different things are, and the codes for them.

Some things aren't too common, though, and you'll only see them once a week, at most, for most of the time. Not to mention that there are things that look quite like other things, and add to that the fact that you're standing in one spot for eight hours, performing the same repetitive motions, and you end up with cashiers (mostly high-school kids) that don't really care all that much about one type of mushroom is.

If you want to blame someone for that, there are all kinds of people and places to blame. I don't think you can call it a failure of the education system; I don't know of anywhere that's had a curriculum that's included Mushroom Studies. You can blame the supermarket for not forcing the cashiers to know every single thing in the store before operating a register; you can blame the store for not paying them enough to make the effort to learn. You can blame the cashiers if you want (hell, you can blame Satan if you really feel like it), but at the end of the day, the fact that a high school kid making $6 an hour doesn't know which type of mushroom something is should not register as a huge problem.

Most of the high-school aged people who do it (be a cashier) don't do it because they love produce (they'd go to the produce department) or because they really, really want to be a cashier; they do it because it's the kind of job that lots of people their age get.

While I'm at it, if you're one of those people who demads "double paper inside double plastic," I hate you.
posted by Godbert at 11:09 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

At night they would take the lobsters out of the tank and let them run down the aisles.

Did they race them and bet on the winners?

That reminds of the time I was walking down Grand Street through Chinatown. this old Chinese woman was dumping live crabs into a barrel at a fish stand. A few crabs fell out of the barrel and began scuttling away. They had gotten only a few feet before she scooped them up, cursing. Sadly, the crabs had scuttled westward. If they had gone east the just might have made the East River.

The oral of this story is that crustaceans have a poor sense of direction.
posted by jonmc at 11:11 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

oh-oh ... matt's up ... better say something quick while you can
posted by pyramid termite at 11:14 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

moral of the story.

Shee-it.
posted by jonmc at 11:15 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

the oral of the story is always my favorite part
posted by troybob at 11:15 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Did they race them and bet on the winners?

How did you know? The story goes that the lobsters just ran all over the place. Guess they couldn't find a jockey small enough to ride the lobster without crushing it.

That backs up your observation about their sense of direction. Though it could be those crabs you saw were headed to Tribeca for a nice lunch.
posted by eatitlive at 11:17 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

jonmc,
assuming my socioeconomic status from my type of post is boring and cliched.

FWIW, the checker was quite possibly working for extra beer money (she looked to be about that age group--i.e. college student with part time job, but we CERTAINLY don't want to make any assumptions) and appeared adequately fed. She was decorated with rather expensive earrings from a very trendy jeweler that a lot of people in San Antonio patronize (thye have a very recognizable style) which her parent(s) quite likely gave her, and of course had the ubiqitous nosering. I don't think she was hurting for money, except possibly for beer and Pantene shampoo. Now, I could be making assumptions, but if she were a single mom working for a living, I'm sure those earrings would've ended up in a pawn shop a long time ago. That, after all, is where mine are. I, on the other hand, don't have a pot to piss in because I am on social security disability, am trying to live on that and my savings, and am enjoying such fun yuppie things as chemo treatments. I am about as far from middle class yuppie as you can get. The reason why I bought myself what, to me, was a tiny luxury, and a few (to me) luxurious things to stuff them with was because the damn things were on SALE at the same time as some of my favorite yummy stuffing ingredients. And no, I was not rude to the checker. I just quietly said "It's a portabello mushroom." That's all. That's all there was to the whole incident.

However, since it then set off a whole trail of thoughts off in my head, I thought it might be an interesting story to relate. That tends to be my style and if my style isn't suitable for MetaFilter (i.e. I like to explain how I happened to post what I posted) so be it.

What was meant to be a post that doesn't refer to BushCheneyIraq blah blah blah has become a complete nightmare.

So Matt, go ahead and delete the whole damn thing. Delete my membership too so that I'll never be tempted to post here again.

Excuse me, but I have to go call the caterer and arrange for the engraved invitations for my pity party now. It's going to make the planned-but-never-happened JLo/Ben Affleck wedding look like amateur night at the Kiwanis lodge.

(on preview, this is looks like just another useless post because the topic has moved on, but what the hell! I'm posting it anyway!)
posted by MiHail at 11:20 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Guess they couldn't find a jockey small enough to ride the lobster without crushing it.

if they'd carried live snails they'd have jockeys ... the lobsters would be given direction and the snails would find out what it's like to really go like hell ... everybody wins!
posted by pyramid termite at 11:20 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

We used to race the lobsters at the 5 star hotel I worked at during the summers in New England. And we'd play Rocky with the aged slabs of rich people's steaks, that was fun. It was more fun when we stole them and ate them ourselves though.
posted by fenriq at 11:21 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

The oral of this story is that crustaceans have a poor sense of direction.

Everyone knows crabs walk sideways so, like, you know, duh!
posted by dodgygeezer at 11:22 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

30% OF CHILDREN IN THE UK DON'T KNOW WHAT CHIPS ARE MADE OF - AMERIKA NOT ALONE IN FOOD IGNORANCE
posted by fire&wings at 11:23 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Another FWIW--the grocery store chain at which this happened is known for both treating and paying its workers well--and people looking for college/high school/part time jobs face quite a lot of competition to get in.
posted by MiHail at 11:23 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

you're lack of high scoioeconomic status dosen't make you any less of a snob, MiHail, or any less insufferable.

Hope you're treatments work out though. No sarcasm. I had surgery to remove kidney stones last friday and know that chronic illness can go a long way towards making someone irritable and difficult.
posted by jonmc at 11:23 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail, you're supposed to flameout in MeTa. Jeez.
posted by fenriq at 11:23 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail -

I think your only real transgression with the post was that there was a ten minute gap between your FPP and your MI. If you've been lurking on MeFi for long enough, you should have known that people jump on threads quickly, and that that alone would have reasonable odds of derailing whatever your initial point may have been.

As for how you have (or anyone else has, I suppose) behaved since then, well, that's a whole different issue.
posted by vernondalhart at 11:25 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by loquacious at 11:26 AM on November 12, 2005 [8 favorites]

Well, at least you didn't link to a image hosted by geocities.
posted by iamck at 11:26 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

"Do you really want an economy where literate, savvy people need to work at the checkout?"

I want an economy where literate, savvy people WANT to work checkout.

/me goes back to reading Fountainhead
posted by mischief at 11:27 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

*checks his pocketwatch, takes a long, significant look at this thread*

so which one of y'all has haughey tied up in his basement?
posted by keswick at 11:29 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Do you really want an economy where literate, savvy people need to work at the checkout?

We have them. Self-serve checkout lanes. At all the middle class grocery stores. (The poor people don't get them. The rich people don't get them either. Lucky bastards.)
posted by jmccorm at 11:29 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

While I'm at it, if you're one of those people who demads "double paper inside double plastic," I hate you.

Bah. If you're one of those people who still uses paper or plastic, I hate you. But I hate b/c I love.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:30 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

PP: I guess mommy and daddy had so much money that you never needed a job in high school?
posted by jorbs at 11:30 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

An amusing discussion has grown own of a shitty FPP, just like the majestic mushroom rises out of a ball of dung.
posted by Falconetti at 11:31 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

no, jonmc, YOU make me irritable and difficult.

I really must log out now and practice holding my pinkie out over my Wal-Mart mug and tilting my nose up in my broken mirror that maintenance STILL hasn't replaced since I moved into this rattrap 7 months ago.

And oh, yeah, plan the jillion-course meal for my party.

Sorry for the chemo reference. That's information I try to keep to myself because it always feels like cheating to play the "give me special allowances because" card. Though having the handi-tag so I can park right next to the entrance of stores is nice.

I really am going to shut up now.
posted by MiHail at 11:32 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: jonmc, YOU make me irritable and difficult.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:33 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

MiHail, comments such as, "I suspect this person was raised on a steady diet of hamburger helper or something," "Their job is to stand there with the drool running down their chins," "the checker was quite possibly working for extra beer money," and the last several comments you made about the cashier's accessories/appearance and the extrapolations you made about the kind of person she is...Well, they come of as very judgmental.

I certainly know what it's like to be in an unfortunate financial situation such as yours, but...you're making bitter remarks about a cashier's expensive-looking earrings and her presumed-to-be-dismal education in a thread about portobello mushrooms and...at this point I almost expect you to add that you had to hock your earrings so you could pay the $5 signup fee here or something.

Aside from the fact that, despite a period of lurking, you don't seem all that familiar with MetaFilter conventions, you also don't seem to realize how unpleasant and snobby you've come across in your comments here.
posted by Gator at 11:34 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

I can't believe this thread is still here, but since it is...

middle class twit looks down on poor working girl because she doesn't know what a portabello mushroom is ... then posts a link to a picture of a mushroom to metafilter expecting us to join him in his disdain of hamburger helper cash register punching morons

Exactly. And MiHail:

Nor was I snobbily looking down on another person

somehow isn't very convincing when combined with

Their job is to stand there with the drool running down their chins...

So, to sum up: lurking is definitely your métier. Cobbler, stick to thy last.
posted by languagehat at 11:34 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

no, jonmc, YOU make me irritable and difficult.

Right. You can't figure out that posting about "slack jawed drooling shopclerks," might piss off people who've worked at jobs like that? Are you that clueless?
posted by jonmc at 11:34 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

From now on I'm just going to scroll to the bottom 'till I get to the animated gifs.
posted by justjen at 11:36 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

The graphics on this page are not available for use. [mushrooms inside]
posted by eatitlive at 11:38 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

maybe the checker was just flirting...maybe the checker was trying to flatter you by making you feel smart...maybe the checker's mom is in chemo and the checker has to work instead of going to school...maybe all possible assumptions you could make don't have to be derogatory...
posted by troybob at 11:41 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

at this point I almost expect you to add that you had to hock your earrings so you could pay the $5 signup fee here or something.

Good point, you had to pay $5 bucks to get in here. You're either not as poor as you're saying, or your priorities are quite out of line. What else are you lying about? The chemo and the handicap tag? Are you UN Owen come back to life?
posted by dness2 at 11:41 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

`What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. `Explain yourself!'

posted by ori at 11:43 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

maybe the checker's dad died in an unfortunate poison-mushroom incident, and so the checker's mom would not allow mushrooms in the house...the possibliities are wide...
posted by troybob at 11:43 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

and so what if she is a high school or college kid working for beer money? I was once, and then I was a middle class kid doingthe same job for car payments and trying to make enough to move out and get my own place. The job is still a bitch, and the people doing it deserve a modicum of respect, for punching in and earning their money if nothing else.
posted by jonmc at 11:44 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

thanks for the thread, btw...i have a cool new idea for a flash idea featuring singing milk-carton people
posted by troybob at 11:45 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

look ...

snail racing!
posted by pyramid termite at 11:46 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Creative process is a strange little monkey, isn't it, troybob?
posted by fenriq at 11:48 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I like mushrooms. That is all.
posted by bumpkin at 11:50 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

And why do they always ask if I want the gum or want it in the bag? They never ask with toilet paper or or enema kit. When they ask if I want the milk in the bag I always tell them that no its easier to carry if they leave it in the container. I always say (in an Elvis like voice) thank you thank you thank you very much when they tell me how many hundreds of dollars I've saved by using the report to Ashcroft super saving card.
posted by mss at 11:50 AM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

troybob, think you can work in my idea about the mushroom lineup while you're at it? That'd be a hoot an' a holler.
posted by Gator at 11:52 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

shallots! see, i swear i wouldn't know a shallot from a pap smear...i don't even know what color they are or whether they're smaller than a dime or larger than a breadbox...
posted by troybob at 11:58 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Oh, and Store Wars. Because nobody else has yet.
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:59 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

I couldn't tell you what the difference between any single type of mushroom versus another. I dislike mushrooms therefore I stay away from them.

Does that make me uneducated? No. Am I a rocket scientist? No. I, like many people, have the pleasure of working a retail position. Does that make me stupid or underprivileged? More than likely not.

I could tell you almost any price of any item in the store I work at, and if not exact, I'd only be off by no more than 5% of the actual price. There are people who yell at my employees every single day who wouldn't even be able to give you their own home phone number as easily. So I guess that makes them uneducated? Not really. It's just about how often people are exposed to the particular information that's of discussion.

Here's a UPC Database. It's not exactly ready for mainstream use however it is nice for when you actually get a UPC, it shows the UPC as well as any information it has on record. There's much potential here. You can contribute to the site as well.

And for the record that jonmc is a mean sumbitch(not really).
posted by JakeEXTREME at 11:59 AM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Jake! You should drive into the city tonight for the meetup. I'll introduce you the MeFiNY crew! Lotsa eligible babes.
posted by jonmc at 12:01 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

This is exactly why every high school student should have to take a menial job at some point before they go to college/wherever. Being treated like something someone scraped off the bottom of their shoe is an experience that truly molds character. When I was 16 and was a cashier at a large supermarket, I got screamed at by some customer who thought I was a worthless person because I couldn't identify cabbage. What do you think i do now at 23 when I buy my poblano, jalapeno, habanero, and other random peppers and the cashier asks me to help identify them? Hint: it doesn't involve demeaning them and posting a FPP to MeFi to whine about my ordeal.

And if by some bizarre chance you DID have a job like a supermarket cashier at some point... then shame on you. Even if you didn't treat this girl badly to her face, you should know better than to make rude assumptions about the people who have service jobs. It makes as much sense for her to call you a stuck up bitch to her friends because you buy things like portabella mushrooms as it does for you to call her a drooling idiot because she doesn't know what one is.
posted by gatorae at 12:04 PM on November 12, 2005 [5 favorites]

"Their job is to stand there with the drool running down their chins and pass your purchases in front of a machine or maybe punch a few numbers into a keypad occasionally."

Then get off their case for doing their damn job.

But, seriously, this thread absolutely rocks. So many good comments. Thanks (unintentionally) MiHail.
posted by Bugbread at 12:04 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Being treated like something someone scraped off the bottom of their shoe is an experience that truly molds character.

Amen. If I ever have kids, even if I become a multigazillionaire, I will force my children to work fast food or retail just to impart this important life lesson since it will affect how they treat people as adults.
posted by jonmc at 12:08 PM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

That was awesome, mygothlaundry. (Though I was really hoping to see some mushrooms dressed as Ewoks at some point. That would've been awesomest.)
posted by Gator at 12:11 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

"something someone scraped off the bottom of their shoe"

Sounds like my 12 weeks at luxurious Parris Island.
posted by mischief at 12:11 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Just checked with my dad, but they didn't teach mushroom identification to him either, so it looks like any decline in education bottomed out over 50 years ago. And we learned that squid ink is harmless to eat, while he just learned that squid makes good bait, so I'd say this is actually a pretty good sign that AmeriKKKan education is actually on the up and up!
posted by Bugbread at 12:13 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I just like that this FPP has generated 200+ posts.
Not bad for a single-link to a picture of fungus.
posted by Busithoth at 12:17 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

uhmurkuh are whut it eat.
posted by quonsar at 12:20 PM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Thanks (unintentionally) MiHail.

Yes, this was the best thread that I've read in months.
posted by octothorpe at 12:21 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I guarantee as stupid as you think this (and apparantly, all drooling ones) cashier is, each and every one of them could look their nose down on you in a subject they're familiar with. So get off your damned high horse and accept that perhaps this woman's interest is not mushrooms, or food in general.
posted by dflemingdotorg at 12:22 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Ifeel really bad for people who have to suffer through life, surrounded by the hoi polloi who are not as elitist and snobbish as they.
posted by mkultra at 12:24 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Sorry for the chemo reference. That's information I try to keep to myself because it always feels like cheating to play the "give me special allowances because" card. Though having the handi-tag so I can park right next to the entrance of stores is nice.

Well, it didn't work for my bipolar breakdown either. They treat ya just the same as anyone else here.

Just take a short break, collect your thoughts and come on back. I mean, it was just a mushroom, but for you it might have just been the one tiny thing that made you wanna lose it. Now THAT I understand.
posted by konolia at 12:24 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

"it might have just been the one tiny thing that made you wanna lose it."

Hear, hear! I know if this new med doesn't work, I will probably have my own MeFi meltdown. And soon!

I promise it won't be pretty.
posted by mischief at 12:27 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

i might be drooling if i worked as a cashier...handling all that yummy food...and the hot bag boys...

and if i were a cashier, i would totallly give a coy look to the bag boy every time i had to handle sausages or phallic vegetables...grocery folk seem to have a good sense of humor, perhaps because it's them against the world...
posted by troybob at 12:28 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I find the fact that this young woman had obviously never had a delicious grilled portabello (and by the way, there are MANY accepted spellings--portabello, portobello, even portobella) burger somehow very sad.

Sad? I don't get it. There's some kind of obligation to eat mushroom foods, and it's a tragedy if you don't?
posted by JanetLand at 12:32 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Millions of American children go to bed every night without Portobello mushrooms. I blame Bush.
posted by fandango_matt at 12:38 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Hear, hear! I know if this new med doesn't work, I will probably have my own MeFi meltdown. And soon!

I promise it won't be pretty.

And I, for one, am looking forward to it! ;P
posted by stet at 12:43 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Best... Mefi Thread... EVER.
posted by swerdloff at 12:48 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Wait, the issue is not the failure to eat portobello mushrooms, but the failure to eat portobello mushroom burgers?

If that's the case, I'm also deserving of pity. The public education system has truly let me down. No frito pie until I was in college, no hamburger helper to this day, and only had portobellos in risotto. Maybe I should give my diploma back to my college.
posted by Bugbread at 12:48 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

A mistake like this might be excusable. It is not excusable though when you go to a specialty web site, ask for the best of the web, are told by the user that he does not have any, and are then asked whether you would like portobella. Those are the kind of mistakes that are vibrating.
posted by tommyc at 12:52 PM on November 12, 2005 [3 favorites]

Mmmm . . . Portobello mushroom burger!
posted by fandango_matt at 12:53 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Konolia gives good advice, Mihail. Keep your chin up, regroup and remember this is just a website and that was just a mushroom.
posted by sic at 12:58 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Wait, the issue is not the failure to eat portobello mushrooms, but the failure to eat portobello mushroom burgers?

Yes, I'm pretty sure that's what MiHail was referring to when she said, "I've read articles about this phenomenon happening but couldn't quite believe it until it happened to me." Chronic portobello mushroom burger-eating failure. You never see it coming, until one day it blindsides you in the checkout.
posted by Gator at 12:58 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

fandango_matt writes " Millions of American children go to bed every night without Portobello mushrooms. I blame Bush."

You mean "amerikan children", right?
posted by mr_roboto at 1:00 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

if only this post had some genitals...
posted by Jeremy at 1:01 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Oh dear, yes. Sadly, the education of the youth of amerika is declining in more than one way.
posted by fandango_matt at 1:02 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Last Post! (before deletion)
posted by Balisong at 1:03 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Balisong : "Last Post! (before deletion)"

Not while I'm here to spoil your nefarious plans, Doctor Balisong!
posted by Bugbread at 1:05 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by troybob at 1:06 PM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

OK, you've all convinced me...
I'm dosing a cap and a couple stems. Purely for the advancement of psycological constructs as it relates to my mind beams.
posted by Balisong at 1:12 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: MiHail is pretty stupid
posted by Dean Keaton at 1:17 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Even after all this, I don't think I could identify a portobello.

WTF makes it different from any other kind of mushroom?
posted by poon at 1:19 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Best (and most appropriate) cartoon of the day, troybob.

And without a doubt, this is the best post in months. Nothing like a pile-on to make MeFi a cohesive group again.

I just finished reading this whole thing and laughed out loud often.
posted by leftcoastbob at 1:20 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by poon Even after all this, I don't think I could identify a portobello. WTF makes it different from any other kind of mushroom?

Snobbery.
posted by fandango_matt at 1:29 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

So I went to this supermarket and I ordered eekhoorntjesbrood but did they know what mushroom that is? Nooo!
posted by jouke at 1:30 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

This is more my kind of mushroom.
posted by clevershark at 1:31 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: wouldn't know a shallot from a pap smear

Thanks troybob. I will now forever associate a bulbous vaeggie with my gyno.
posted by romakimmy at 1:37 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

What's this about?
posted by Aknaton at 1:38 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by Falconetti at 1:39 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

As a former grocery store clerk, I can say:

MERV GRIFFIN
posted by klangklangston at 1:40 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail, don't let these guys be so hard on you. I'm with you; poor people are the worst.
posted by soma lkzx at 1:41 PM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

GIN MAKES A MAN MEAN!!!

Oh, and MERV GRIFFIN! MERV GRIFFIN!!!
posted by loquacious at 1:44 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

dness--

(sorry, haven't quite figured out how to post to another post yet or I'd do it), your comments were

you had to pay $5 bucks to get in here

A friend signed me up, FWIW, and paid the $5 as part of what is turning out to be "the birthday present (or was it Christmas? can't remember) that bit back." I am now, apparently, the official self-satisfied snob of MeFi. Goodie for me.

What else are you lying about? The chemo and the handicap tag?

Your second comment was utterly inexcusable and proves that you are a waste of skin (or was that too SNOBBY?). Why on earth would I lie about something like that? If you want I can give you a full rundown of all of my health problems, but it's really none of your damn business. Nor do I try to think of myself as a sad sick person, nor, as I commented before, do I like even playing the "I'm on chemo" card. As it happens I do not have cancer but do have a trashed immune system, so they are trying to kill that part of my immune system that they think is causing other problems. I try to think of this as a speedbump, not a brick wall. So thanks for the nice little blast of sunshine up my ass. I'm on weekly infusions of Rituxan IF you're interested.

So yes, I do have a handi tag. And yes, I am regularly stopped by people who either ask me if I would like a scooter to get around stores (answer: no; I need to try and maintain some muscle tone, which is why I often use a cane) or to tell me I don't look well and should see a doctor (!duh! Oops--there's that snobbery again). The worst are the people who just stare and then avoid eye contact as they scurry away into another part of the store I might be in, like I'm carrying something contagious. Then there are the religious ones who say "I'll say a prayer for you" and then start doing it RIGHT THEN AND THERE in a loud voice. Praise! Right now I'm just thankful that this drug doesn't usually make people's hair fall out and that mine is still (sorta) hanging in there.

Would you like a full inventory of the contents of my apartment? Perhaps a scan of the receipt from the consignment shop that now has a lot of my furniture would do. Or perhaps a list of my current meds. But I could just be lying about that, too, right? Shall I give you my doctor's cell phone number (you know you're really sick if they give you THAT)? But then it could be just some friend POSING as a doctor.

This is one of the types of responses to my health problems (sometimes I'm doing well, don't need my cane, and get hate looks when I park in a disabled spot--one woman actually said in a loud voice "She sure looks healthy!" I always feel guilty and want to run over to those people and say "yes, today I'm having a good day but walking long distances tires me please please don't hate me") that I detest the most, which is why I try not to bring attention to it or mention it. I'm sorry, once again, that I brought it up so that self-satisfied idiots could make such comments. Oops! Better watch that snobbery.

Oh yeah, I have cable. But that's because it's one of the perquisites that came with my luxury abode.

One of the few things that I do NOT consider luxury items are (1) my computer, which I need WHEN I'm able to work toward my degree (or do actual work--I get occasional contracting work when up to it), (2) my high speed hookup which--though expensive--makes downloading articles from the grad library much much easier, and affords the occasional educational or entertainment value of surfing the web. Fortunately part of my DSL cost is comped by the phone company because of my "financial need". (3) My "pay as you go" cell phone is pretty necessary in cases of emergency. Also (4) my cats, who always know when I'm feeling like shit. For them, I get Iams. For myself, I do eat plenty of Ramen noodles (sometimes I splurge and get the Thai noodles), macaroni and cheese, and the occasional fancy mushroom, for which "portabello" is an accepted variant spelling. (Portabellos are, I know full and well, are a "manufactured" fancy mushroom--they ARE just those regular button mushrooms allowed to grow to larger sizes. But they are yummy and you can do lots of things with them that you can't do with regular small mushrooms.) And Boost. Lots of Boost, which is not cheap, which results in the need to buy ramen noodles which results in the need to buy.....more Boost.

FWIW, I ran "myriad" (which I suspected I spelled wrong) through spell check and it wasn't picked up. Perhaps that too is another mysterious part of MeFi I am using incorrectly.

And yes, I've held quite a number of demeaning jobs in my career. And have probably been described at some point by some irate customer as "slack jawed" myself. Doing so myself was obviously not my best moment in my very short posting life, but her obvious irritation at my purchasing something that made her pause and interrupt her robotic stance (who knows--maybe she was at the end of her shift) did not make for happy feelings on my part. So I will retract my description of her, my apparently judgemental comments about her, and simply note that (1) porta/obello/a mushrooms are really not that unusual. People buy lots of them and I am surely not the first person through her stand with said item--especially since there was a big picture of them in the store's sale flyer; and that (2) PLUs/barcodes are something that some sales clerks seem overly dependent on. My best friend in kindergarten was African American. My parents are moderately well off (though they're less well off than they should be, thanks to helping me out when they can). I went to a good public school, and like to have the accoutrements of a good lifestyle just as much as the next roboconsumer. However, life had other plans for me. So let's all pile on the cliches, shall we? Maybe I'll go out and buy every single one of the "Chicken Soup for the..." series. There might even be a "Chicken Soup for the Bad FPP MeFi Soul" out there.

I am now going to go try and continue what had started to be a good day (even trying out a jaunty little silly non-political post on MeFi) by taking my regularly scheduled afternoon nap, followed by my nice stuffed mushroom and a big yummy bottle of Boost.

I'd include just the picture here but sadly my knowledge of HTML is lacking (let the flaming about THAT commence), so you get the whole damn link.

God, I really just need to walk away from the keyboard now, go find Mimi to snuggle with and get to my now badly needed nap.

Sorry for the boring personal anecdotes. Another reason to call me stupid, Dean. I'll really take that comment to heart and start reading some Foucault. Do you think I should learn to read French more fluently so I can read it in the orginal? Or maybe I should start off with something lighter--some Nietzsche, perhaps, since my German is a bit better than my French? I know! Since I'm obivously a moron, I'll start out with the full set of Dr. Seuss and Richard Scary books! Or is that taking the easy way out? Please tell me, please guide me so I'm not stupid. Or snobby.
posted by MiHail at 1:47 PM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Have a mushroom.
posted by fandango_matt at 1:50 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

What's Boost?

MiHail, don't take the "are you really sick" question as being representative of MeFi in general.
posted by Bugbread at 1:52 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

It might the the painkillers, but this whole thread has become much too bizarre for my feeble comprehension right now. I'll just say WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I imagine this is what it would be like to listen to Aphex Twin while taking mushrooms.
posted by Stunt at 1:52 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

OK, MiHail, I want an ID on each of these, and I want it before you punch out today. (You can use these as a warmup.)

I can't believe this thread is still here, but I'm lovin' it.
posted by languagehat at 1:52 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Since I'm obivously a moron, I'll start out with the full set of Dr. Seuss and Richard Scary books! Or is that taking the easy way out? Please tell me, please guide me so I'm not stupid. Or snobby.

Grow a hide and get a sense of humor. And don't take yourself so seriously. I think that's about it.

LAUGH. LAUGH, DAMN YOU!! LAUGH! AHAHAHAHA! MUHAHAHAHAHA!! ZEN POWER LAUGH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I WILL TAUNT THEE UNTIL THY LAUGHTER SHAKES THY BOWELS UNTIL THEE MUSHROOM-PLUG FROM THINE ANUS POPS OUT LIKE A CORK, SPILLING THE TOXICK HUMOURS FROM THINE COLON LIKE SO MUCH EFFERVESCENT CRAPFLOODING!

SING WITH ME! JOIN ME IN A HYMN IN PRAISE OF THEE MUSHROOM!

The wind is howling and the time is right for fear
In the emergence in the phosphorescent tears
And all the hippies gonna lick the mind of god?
They've already been immersed in the wad

The wind is howling and the sea is boiling down
The mind is the water, the mind is the water
'cause it's a mushroom festival in hell
'cause it's a mushroom festival in hell

Yeah! woo! woo! woo! woo!
posted by loquacious at 1:55 PM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Certain Portobello mushrooms make me sad.
posted by xod at 1:56 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

On non-preview: you sound like an OK person, MiHail; try not to take the ragging to heart—we just can't resist a good pileon around here. Don't worry, by tomorrow we'll be on to something new (maybe mischief's promised meltdown!) and this will all be a mushroomy memory. Enjoy your nap, and just remember to have your "more inside" ready next time, if you're brave enough to try another post.
posted by languagehat at 1:57 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

In Porto Bello
I met a fellow
With a cane umbrella
Who must have used a sieve
posted by Kirth Gerson at 1:59 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Jesus, MiHail, give it a rest. You don't want to play the handicapped card? Then for god's sake don't! Doing the martyr thing is not something that is going to make total strangers like you more. One of the many favorite quotes of the day: Get off the cross; we need the kindling.

I'll give you a hint--if you feel like shit, it doesn't make you feel less shitty to shit on someone else.

Go nap and things will look better tomorrow.
posted by leftcoastbob at 2:00 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Nor was I snobbily looking down on another person.

Really?

Their job is to stand there with the drool running down their chins and pass your purchases in front of a machine or maybe punch a few numbers into a keypad occasionally.

I can't believe this thread is still here, but I'm lovin' it.
ditto
posted by squeak at 2:02 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Marxchivist, you wouldn't recognize a portobello mushroom if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "Portobello Mushrooms Are Here Again."

That would be funny, except, it's, it's.... TRUE!!!

*bursts into tears, hits ass with door on the way out*
posted by marxchivist at 2:02 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

If someone critiques your spelling again, will you write another long, inapposite post about your personal life?

because you spelled "judgemental" wrong
posted by Falconetti at 2:02 PM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

bugbread,

Boost is a "liquid nutritional supplement" for people who are too skinny and/or need an extra "boost" (haha) in their nutrition. They have the gall to describe it as "delicious."

Leftcoastbob, as I've noted, I regret doing it. Sorry to mess with your happy place. Maybe some Enya will make you feel better.

must....get...out...of....MeFi...vortex....sucking... me.... in....glub!
posted by MiHail at 2:03 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

rather than consider that a post might have merit.

It didn't. Quit whining.
posted by solid-one-love at 2:04 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

I live down the street from that wackiest grocery store in the whole entire world, Stew Leonard's (the one in Norwalk, CT). I'd just like to report that at my last visit, at the beginning of last week, they didn't have any port(a/o)bell(a/o) mushrooms at all.
posted by houseofdanie at 2:05 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail: So it's kinda like a protein drink for non-body builders? Got it.
posted by Bugbread at 2:06 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

My best friend in kindergarten was African American.
posted by cortex at 2:06 PM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

Well, there ya go, cortex, you and MiHail have something in common.
posted by Bugbread at 2:09 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

'--,-'--'--,-'--,-,-' xmas lights '--,-'--'--,-'--,-,-'
posted by cortex at 2:10 PM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

I went to see Bob Sagat do some stand-up. This guy in the front row admitted to shaving his balls - when asked why, he answered "because it makes my penis look bigger." Bob Sagat spent the next half hour ripping on this guy. On one hand, I felt sorry for him, because he was insecure about his small penis. On the other hand, you shouldn't admit something like that to BOB FREAKING SAGAT.

That's what this thread means to me.
posted by muddgirl at 2:11 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

languagehat,

Believe it or not I used to have a field guide to mushrooms. Grew up in Michigan which is really (at least where I lived) one big mosquito- and mushroom-growing mushy piece of the US). I recognize some of the ones in the first pic (one in particular is driving me crazy because I know I know the name...it's not coming), but would need the guide for the second "easy warmup" one. (I know it's probably one of those "duh! of course" things). Mainly I know morels, which are very easy to identify. I'm lucky enough to have a brother in Michigan with 20 acres and some prime morel growing areas. They make good money selling the extras in the spring to restaurants.
posted by MiHail at 2:12 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Wow. Maybe I should have waited another 6 minutes before being snarky? Would things have gone differently?
posted by mmahaffie at 2:15 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

My best friend in kindergarten was African American.

Buh?

Anyway, MiHail, please do step away from the keyboard, calm down, and stop talking about how sick and poor you are. Instead of just taking the initial [more inside]-related teasing in stride and letting the thread die down (since apparently it isn't going to be deleted after all), you just keep ratcheting up the drama by posting more and more angrily and confrontationally.

You're doing no favors for your health, and you're really just making yourself look...er...Well, the point is, you can still make a fresh start here if you make the effort.
posted by Gator at 2:16 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

is "Sagat" an acceptable spelling variation like "Portabello"?
posted by Hat Maui at 2:16 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Gator - To be fair, MiHail's last post is plenty calm, unangry, and unconfrontational. I think the storm has passed.
posted by Bugbread at 2:18 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Yeah. MiHail? We're crazy excitable loons. Your post wasn't very good, but life goes on, and we (at least most of us) don't mean any real harm.
posted by cortex at 2:19 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHale:
The proper way to phrase a post like this is:
"PLUs [main link]: Today I went to a grocery store and the clerk didn't know what a portabello [img link]. Are clerks today too dependent upon Product Listing Units (or whatever PLU stands for) [possibly a wikipedia link on PLUs]? What do those codes even mean? Here's what the apple association says [link]."

Then have your first comment already typed to c&p, where you'd talk about a couple of recipes. That'd be clear, concise, and wouldn't require a [mi]. It keeps the anecdotal lede, but truncates it and eliminates the "Wassup wif amerikkka? THEY R TEH STUPID," both of which got you mocked.

Your post would have then gotten between 10-15 replies and you could be happy knowing that a lot of people had found something interesting. Instead you're going for 250 comments, nearly all of them with, shall we say, a less than respectful tone?
posted by klangklangston at 2:21 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail writes "Since I'm obivously a moron, I'll start out with the full set of Dr. Seuss and Richard Scary books! Or is that taking the easy way out? Please tell me, please guide me so I'm not stupid. Or snobby."

Now it's shaping up to be a good flame out.
posted by Mitheral at 2:21 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

MiHail, I hope you enjoy your mushrooms.
posted by graventy at 2:21 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Sure enough, bugbread, I missed it on preview. She still oughta take that nap, though, methinks.
posted by Gator at 2:21 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Oh, and "My best friend in kindergarten was African American" really does seem cliched white liberal, and deserves some level of "You know who had an African-American friend in kindergarten? Hitler," snarking.
posted by klangklangston at 2:23 PM on November 12, 2005

I like Hamburger Helper.
posted by unreason at 2:23 PM on November 12, 2005

I don't have the strength to read beyond the first 23654 comments in this thread, but I've searched the text, and that's good enough for me:

Maybe, rather than signalling the collapse of civilisation, the cashier had mushroom agnosia?
posted by nylon at 2:23 PM on November 12, 2005

OK, MiHail, I want an ID on each of these, and I want it before you punch out today.

The majority of those look like boletus, and the one that's different might be a saffron milk cap.
posted by Krrrlson at 2:25 PM on November 12, 2005

deserves some level of "You know who had an African-American friend in kindergarten? Hitler," snarking.

I was going to make a Sieg MiHail joke, but then I saw you were once friends with an African American.
posted by Falconetti at 2:25 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

badger badger badger badger
posted by thirteenkiller at 2:26 PM on November 12, 2005

If I unwrapped a Snickers, a Milky Way and a Three Musketeers bar would you be able to tell them apart? If not, I, as a fat man, look down my nose at you.

My mom, who was diabetic, had a can of Coke Classic as her little chemo treat. Then she died.
posted by Mick at 2:30 PM on November 12, 2005

.
posted by horsewithnoname at 2:32 PM on November 12, 2005

I don't understand why everyone's being so impolite to MiHail. I actually really like portobello mushrooms. They're some of my favorite things. They're the ones in the 40 Oz. bottle with Olde English '800' written on the side, right? Love 'em. You guys can go to hell.

Luck dragon, indeed.
posted by gramschmidt at 2:33 PM on November 12, 2005

Oh, and MiHail, if you're not napping yet, don't forget to check this out.
posted by leftcoastbob at 2:33 PM on November 12, 2005

MiHail, I'm sorry that I kind of called you an ass one hundred and three posts ago. I am really worried that when you eat your once-in-a-blue-moon treat of a mushroom later, that it won't taste good because you will be bitter over this train wreck. Don't let that happen. For the love of God, enjoy your mushroom. Sometimes our mushrooms are all we have.

I really shouldn't insult people on the internet, I am just too damn sensitive for it.
posted by ND¢ at 2:35 PM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

badger badger badger badger

Mushroom mushroom
posted by konolia at 2:39 PM on November 12, 2005

Snake! Snake! Ohhhhhhhhh itttttts a snaaaaaaake!
posted by konolia at 2:40 PM on November 12, 2005

I don't want to be exposed to snake.
posted by cortex at 2:43 PM on November 12, 2005

Just made my first FPP yesterday (or was it the day before? whatever), and oh my gods I wish I'd gotten piled on like this thread did. Hee!

There's nothing like a good drubbing.

Mmmm, drubbing
posted by 5MeoCMP at 2:45 PM on November 12, 2005

meta, just because

(My best friend in kindergarten was African American. )
posted by Count Ziggurat at 2:53 PM on November 12, 2005

Therefore, I will go back once again to lurk mode since what Metafilter seems to become is a place to beat up posters, rather than consider that a post might have merit.
Please do.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 2:57 PM on November 12, 2005

Sorry to mess with your happy place.

MiHail, in a sense, you're missing the point in that there has been a great deal of of fun and humor in the thread that wasn't at your expense. MeFi can be a tough crowd and you do need to have a thick skin, but in terms of vitriol and bloodletting, this thread is closer to wrestling on the living room floor than a true blue throw down. I hope your health continues to improve and you decide to stick around and continue posting.

And, languagehat, calmly hand over the bowl of porcini and no one will get hurt. Thank you.
posted by Frisbee Girl at 2:58 PM on November 12, 2005

*licks Frisbee Girl*
posted by loquacious at 3:03 PM on November 12, 2005

is "Sagat" an acceptable spelling variation like "Portabello"?

BTW, I typed every version of "~~portabello~~ Sagat" I could think of, for you spelling nuts, into Google. The only one Google didn't ask "did you mean...." on was "~~portabella~~ SeaPeople". Not that Google is the final authority or anything. However, EVERY variant brought up a miriad of ~~recipes~~ wankers.
posted by muddgirl at 3:08 PM on November 12, 2005

mihail. Thanks for initiating an entertaining discussion.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 3:10 PM on November 12, 2005

Bob Sagat is the tall bald guy with an eyepatch and a big scar across his chest who co-starred in "Full House," right?
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:17 PM on November 12, 2005

MiHail -- I think this whole thing can be summed up best with this comedy cliche: (paraphrasing) When I fall down, it's tragedy. But when YOU fall down, it's comedy.
posted by Kloryne at 3:18 PM on November 12, 2005

I'll have you all know I saw someone eat a chicken.

WITHOUT REMOVING THE FEATHERS.

It made me sad.

But not because I was hungry.
posted by Smart Dalek at 3:18 PM on November 12, 2005

"Since I'm obivously a moron, I'll start out with the full set of Dr. Seuss and Richard Scary books! Or is that taking the easy way out? Please tell me, please guide me so I'm not stupid. Or snobby."

Richard Scarry's name has two r's.

posted by AaronRaphael at 3:22 PM on November 12, 2005 [4 favorites]

Kloryne, "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die". Mel Brooks
posted by ND¢ at 3:27 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Wow.
posted by Ynoxas at 3:28 PM on November 12, 2005

Names of edible mushrooms and descriptions. Just so, you know.
posted by Navek Rednam at 3:28 PM on November 12, 2005

PORTOBELLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!
posted by fandango_matt at 3:30 PM on November 12, 2005

Am I too late for the party?
posted by jmccorm at 3:31 PM on November 12, 2005

*wipes a tear from eye, salutes the flag*
posted by skjønn at 3:33 PM on November 12, 2005

Inapropriate private information, yet true: I almost started a race riot at my elementary school with my black "girlfriend". Naturally, my sister claimed not to be kin to me, and both the girl's father and my own were none too happy about the situation.

[Re: The whole "black friend" thing.]
posted by jmccorm at 3:34 PM on November 12, 2005

I just like that this FPP has generated 300+ posts.
stupid fungus. not even the kind with a benefit.
posted by Busithoth at 3:35 PM on November 12, 2005

I have to say that lurking is pretty cool, but you really have to shut up to do it right.
posted by vewystwange at 3:39 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

portobello, and crimini are all just marketers' names for the common pasture mushroom

Yeah, whatever. Too many people pretend that just because some stupid marketing goon made up the name, we don't need any name at all to distinguish the white ones from the brown ones. They may both be called Agaricus bisporus, but that doesn't mean they don't each deserve their own unique place in the mushroom kingdom. It's wrong to pretend that they're equal. And surely it's a sign that Amerika is going to hell.
posted by sfenders at 3:51 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

lurking is hard.
posted by sfenders at 3:54 PM on November 12, 2005

All I can think when I'm reading this thread is:

Dance, Monkeys, Dance!!! (ernie cline; mp3; nsfw)
posted by poon at 3:56 PM on November 12, 2005

ND¢: That's much better!
posted by Kloryne at 3:59 PM on November 12, 2005

jesus, this is the best thread ive read here in ages. thanks mihail!

And on a side note, you might want to watch out, civil_disobedient. Those... mushrooms... are... PEOPLE!
posted by lowest.common.denominator at 4:01 PM on November 12, 2005

posted by furiousxgeorge at 4:17 PM on November 12, 2005

I'm totally disappointed that MeFi has not been more helpful in this thread. So, I'll kick things off with a little constructive criticism. I'm sure my fellow MeFites will pick up on anything I've missed.

THINGS YOU CAN BE PISSED ABOUT AT THE GROCERY STORE CHECKOUT LINE

Raw meat bagged with produce

People with more items than the posted maximum

People who read the magazines but don't buy them

People with more items than they can afford

Crabby people who complain to the checker about anything

Bread products placed on the bottom of a bag or cart

Items not in the computer

People who insist their expired coupons are still valid

People who use credit cards for purchases less than $5

posted by MrZero at 4:30 PM on November 12, 2005

Hey Gus, that was Fun.

I am, however, concerned that we are becoming a two tier society when it comes to mushroom identification. Unless action is taken, those with a keen eye for grey, squidgy veggie-burger ingredients will take over the world, and then where would we be, eh?
posted by Shinkicker at 4:31 PM on November 12, 2005

MiHail: If you are so inveterately idiotic to proffer a thread that is undeniably a steaming piece of offal and to lambaste some hapless supermarket clerk who probably has to endure more snobbish derogations per hour than you likely to endure in a single week, that is one thing. But it appears you have confused the word "myriad," a term that nearly any sharp junior high schooler can identify, with a genuine ten-cent word like "perfervid" and have utterly failed to consult what most adult bipedals use to correct such mistakes: a dictionary.

You, sir, are an asshat. Unfit to participate in MeFi and unfit to contribute so much as a Post-It note in the realm of letters. Cry me a river of pus.

And it's Ricahard Scarry, you smug and stupid bastard. Not "Scary." One would think that anyone who can so readily identify himself with such a lowly worm would at least be able to spell Scarry's last name right.

And why in Zeus's name is this thread still here?
posted by ed at 4:32 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Does anyone else find themselves secretly trying to count how many items the people in front of them in the '8 items or less' queue have in their basket?
posted by Shinkicker at 4:32 PM on November 12, 2005

Yes.
posted by jenovus at 4:36 PM on November 12, 2005

Metafilter: Lurking is hard.

MiHail, there's nothing I could add to the pile-on; one thing concerns me, and that is the diet of ramen, mac 'n cheese and Boost (to counteract the ramen and mac ' cheese). Having done the mac, ramen and potato diet during a health crisis that left me poor, I know that stuff will make you sicker than anything else you could do to yourself. Except heroin of course, that would suck.
Beans and rice are good and cheap. Maybe this and this will help. And it's good to treat yourself to a portobello or two. Good luck.
posted by NorthernSky at 4:39 PM on November 12, 2005

*sigh* I'll always be a 9-item gal in an 8-item world.
posted by muddgirl at 4:39 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Thank you, digaman for the comment about what portobello really is. An overgrown button mushroom.

Mushroom hunting is very popular in France and, oddly enough, West Virginia, two places I've been frequenting of late. The last time I was chez mon beau père I found a cêpe: out of season and a complete surprise due to a long-running drought. I ran home with my prize to fry it up with some eggs. Yum. That most Americans (a.k.a. Amerikans) don't now a portobello from a Portugal is not surprising. (Must be the scotch talking...)
posted by Dick Paris at 4:39 PM on November 12, 2005

ed writes "And why in Zeus's name is this thread still here?"

matt thinks it's funny.
posted by Mitheral at 4:39 PM on November 12, 2005

.
posted by crabintheocean at 4:40 PM on November 12, 2005

Hell, yes I count. I'm usually sympathetic to those who go over the check-out limit by one or two items but I'm usually not to those who want to check out twenty types of the same product token like cat food.
posted by inconsequentialist at 4:41 PM on November 12, 2005

This is so great!
posted by cusack at 4:42 PM on November 12, 2005

Ha ha ha. MiHail, I thought this was a great joke when I read the snobbery tag, then I saw your comments. Even better.
posted by caddis at 4:49 PM on November 12, 2005

Hell, yes I count.

Ah, but do you then challenge the offender, or stand and fume? I'm British so I stand and fume, and hope that the cashier girl will take time out from fungi identification to send the anti-social wretch off with a flea in their ear to another aisle. The extra stress will probably give me cancer.
posted by Shinkicker at 4:53 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Checkout lines are self-policing, like MetaFilter.
posted by Gator at 4:56 PM on November 12, 2005

Mostly standing and fuming. There have been occasional challenges toward the most outright of offenders.
posted by inconsequentialist at 5:00 PM on November 12, 2005

"People who use credit cards for purchases less than $5"

Credit cards, yes. Debit cards, no.
posted by mischief at 5:03 PM on November 12, 2005

mihail ... you sound bitter and angry to me and i think it's affecting the way you look at things, including checkout cashiers and online forums ... i also might point out that before you came back with your long comment, everyone had moved on from piling on you, to just being silly

you need to be a little more accepting of stuff, i think, especially the fact that people are flawed and can do and say stupid and annoying things

it doesn't mean they're evil or out to make you miserable

(well, that one guy who questioned your illness, that was rude and mean ... but that's one guy)
posted by pyramid termite at 5:04 PM on November 12, 2005

I ask the blatant offenders if I can go ahead of them.
I ask in a very loud voice.
I love passive-aggression.
;-P
posted by mischief at 5:05 PM on November 12, 2005

What about writing checks?
posted by inconsequentialist at 5:05 PM on November 12, 2005

"You, sir, are an asshat."

Actually, I think MiHail is a ma'am.

Asshat? Meh, not so much.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:05 PM on November 12, 2005

In Soviet Russia the mushrooms identify you.
Damn! Late again. Priceless!
posted by Joeforking at 5:06 PM on November 12, 2005

Look, portabello mushrooms are not an everyday item in most of the US. I'm really sorry, but they're not. They didn't even have them in supermarkets here (North Carolina) until about 4 or 5 years ago. Meanwhile, in my life up & down the east coast I've had cashiers not recognize:
1. Cucumbers
2. Collard greens
3. Avocados (this one happens a lot)
4. Shallots
5. Turnips
And probably more. So what? So these cashiers don't eat the same things I do. I'm not going to get all het up about it. We can all learn from each other.

WTF?!?

I would be extremely surprised if the cashiers working in our local stores (Safeway, Overwaitea, Coopers, Quality Greens, and a few small neighbourhood grocers) did not know a product on sight: portabello mushrooms, cucumbers, avocadoes, shallots, and turnips -- it would be shocking if they did not. Collard greens, in a word, do not exist up here afaik; kale does, though, and I should expect they know what it is.

I am a little stunned that it's possible to typify your cashiers as slack-jawed, drooling, stupid people. All our cashiers are well-dressed, acknowledge the customer and will converse with the customer, pleasant, and helpful. I daresay our public's expectation is such, that a surly, stupid, or gross cashier would cause enough managerial complaints to result in dismissal.

It makes me think your grocery stores are not very professional.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:08 PM on November 12, 2005

Yes, writing checks in a checkout line is now very obnoxious.
posted by mischief at 5:08 PM on November 12, 2005

"Yes, writing checks in a checkout line is now very obnoxious."

Only if the check-writer hasn't already pre-written the date, the store name, and signed it, leaving only the total to be filled in upon completion of checkout.

However, if the check-writer stands there and does nothing at all while the checker scans the contents of an entire heaping cartful of groceries, and, upon hearing the total, proceeds at that point to take out the check and then ask the checker to borrow a pen, it ought to be legal to bludgeon said check-writer to death with the nearest blunt object.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:12 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

it ought to be legal to bludgeon said check-writer to death with the nearest blunt object.

it's a good thing most supermarkets don't sell sex toys ... can you imagine the headline? ... "dildo drubbing death in winn-dixie dallas check-out"
posted by pyramid termite at 5:17 PM on November 12, 2005

SHOCKED SLOWPOKE SOCKED WITH W-D MOCK COCK
posted by troybob at 5:36 PM on November 12, 2005

I love the changes to your profle since this thread went south, MiHail.
posted by terrapin at 5:38 PM on November 12, 2005

ed: Get with the program. MiHail has shown repentance and a sense of humor and we like her now.

Believe it or not I used to have a field guide to mushrooms.

My field guide is in Russian, and those pictures I linked are from a Russian site, so I didn't actually expect you to identify them—some of them probably don't exist over here. I was just being snarky. But you took it very well and are being a real trooper about all this, once you got over the initial sensation of having a giant squirming ball of metasnark fall on your head. Enjoy your dinner, and I like portobellos too!
posted by languagehat at 5:46 PM on November 12, 2005

posted by joelf at 5:48 PM on November 12, 2005

mmm, some sauteed mushrooms sound good right about now.
posted by TwelveTwo at 5:58 PM on November 12, 2005

... then there was the ditz at this shop in the Muskokas who, when asked about canvas belts, said "Excuse me, but what's canvas?". When I found one and went to pay, the other clerks complained behind her back about how she went to the bathroom every 20 minutes.
posted by CynicalKnight at 6:09 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Holy shit. I missed a lot. Anyway, I don't know if you people out there are into sticking it to the man, but if you are, than I say this: stick it to the man. A sampling of a conversation I recently had with The Man, aka Dow, aka God Shamgod (whatever happened to him anyway), aka I Almost Died, aka Unbelievable, aka Wow, That Really Was Unbelievable (so much so that I can't believe it even at this moment)...

1: You can fly from Baltimore to Iceland in 5 hours if you'd like
2: Really? I'd figure it would take quite a while longer.
3: Yeah, you'd figure. And you'd figure wrong. And for that, you must be punished.
4: Well, I think that's a bit much.
5: It is.
6: Oh, well that's good.
7: It isn't.
8: This is confusing, so, how about Phil Garner. He just through a stool. That's pretty disgusting.
9: Oh, I've seen far more disgusting things. Like this one time, at debate camp...
0: ...please, please. No.

As you can see, it is completely worth it. The positive results it has on your life are immeasurable. Except for by Martians. But I don't know any.
posted by panoptican at 6:29 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Checkout lines are self-policing, like MetaFilter.

When I went to check out today in a store near TCU, all the cashiers were busy. The only express line open had a large gentleman with two carts full of items at the front and several restless customers behind him. (His explanation was that there was noone in line when he came up and all the other lines were full.)

Someone called him an asshole and he threatened to punch whoever called him that, so everyone behind him started chanting, "You're an asshole" in that neener-neener singsong. (College students -- they can do anything they want.) The manager hustled up with a cashier and opened another express line before it escalated further. He then pointed at the "Express: 15 items or less" sign and asked the asshole to read it. Great stuff.
posted by forrest at 6:30 PM on November 12, 2005

Sometimes fungi are bad, too. Real bad.

posted by Zack_Replica at 6:30 PM on November 12, 2005

...?
posted by TwelveTwo at 6:32 PM on November 12, 2005

you know, i almost didn't click on the thread because the FPP looked thoroughly unappetizing.

i'm glad i didn't listen to my intuition. i'll never look at a portabello mushroom in the same way. thanks, mihail; your FPP wasn't quite up to snuff, but you stirred the hordes to rarely seen heights.

I find the fact that this young woman had obviously never had a delicious grilled portabello (and by the way, there are MANY accepted spellings--portabello, portobello, even portobella) burger somehow very sad.

i am still weeping: the baby jesus also never had a portabello mushroom burger. oh, the humanity.
posted by piranha at 6:32 PM on November 12, 2005

Just to be clear, is it the case that cashiers working in the express check-out line can refuse to ring someone up if he has more items than the limit allows? I worked at a grocery store as a cashier many years ago but I don't remember whether or not I was allowed to or whether or not I ever did do such a thing.
posted by inconsequentialist at 6:35 PM on November 12, 2005

...it appears you have confused the word "myriad," a term that nearly any sharp junior high schooler can identify...

Actually, wasn't that the infamous spelling word that was forever tainted by the movie Heathers? It was used in the suicide note of Heather (#1) after misspelling the word in her English class, something of which, her teacher made great note of?

PS: I don't spell check. I should. I don't.
posted by jmccorm at 6:43 PM on November 12, 2005

I brought my cloth bags to the grocery store and the checkout girl said she didn't know how to pack them. :(

Oh and, indignation, jokes, and mefiwankery, so I'm not left out. :P
posted by ODiV at 6:49 PM on November 12, 2005

TwelveTwo - Fungi. From Yuggoth. Fear them!
posted by Zack_Replica at 6:49 PM on November 12, 2005

Additional inapropriate private information. [Re: The black girlfriend thing.] It wasn't just in elementary, but in kindergarten that I had my black girlfriend. Yes. A black/white kindergarten boyfriend/girlfriend couple that almost started a race riot at the elementary school. My sister demanded that I tell her friends we weren't related. My mother and the girl's mother didn't seem to have a problem with it, though.

Thank God it wasn't another boy. That would have REALLY caused a shit storm.
posted by jmccorm at 6:53 PM on November 12, 2005

languagehat: Sorry, I didn't get the Cease Tar & Feathering Memo. Switching to usual MeFi tactics:

Buck Fush.

Special Operations Officer out.
posted by ed at 6:56 PM on November 12, 2005

a long time ago, i was dressed in my work clothes (this was when i worked at a motel) and bought some dog bones for the dogs at home ... the lady behind me clucked with pity and said, "you poor man", and tried to hand me a five dollar bill because she thought i was buying supper for myself ...

she did not want to believe that i was buying the bones for the dogs ... even though i was wearing a reasonably presentable suit
posted by pyramid termite at 6:58 PM on November 12, 2005

340 comments and counting. Count me in!
posted by nostrada at 7:03 PM on November 12, 2005

I want to know what MiHail stuffed the portobello with. I might want some.
posted by biscotti at 7:03 PM on November 12, 2005

#: I just love metafilter, read it very often, but really really really HATE the "your post sux" comments that every infrequent poster seems to get.

Making a FPP like this is like stepping in dog shit. Once you've stepped in it, for example, there's an awful mess left behind. Plus, everyone wants to mock you for being an idiot. In your case, MiHail, don't complain about the shit you've stepped in. Can't you see how it has only made things worse?

#: Back to lurk status.

Probably for the best. I mean it's going to take some time to clean all that crap of your shoes. Anyway, I hear Digg is looking for members. They really like posts like this over there.
posted by sjvilla79 at 7:05 PM on November 12, 2005

Y'know, when I worked at a supermarket as a cashier, I had no problem identifying any of the produce. But, I mean, I wouldn't expect anyone to go out of their way to learn to tell green leaf lettuce from escarole. They're all pretty low on the employment foodchain, and such jobs are not of the sort into which people should put all that much effort.

If that's what we're still talking about.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 7:06 PM on November 12, 2005

MetaFilter: what the hell! I'm posting it anyway!
posted by NationalKato at 7:08 PM on November 12, 2005

i <3 this thread!!111!! OMGROFLWTFBBQ
posted by NationalKato at 7:08 PM on November 12, 2005

#: ... of amerika

I've been there! It's a whole other place and you can't get there by bus!

#: 340 comments and counting. Count me in!

Bandwagon. I'm on it too. And this cart has big wheels.
posted by sjvilla79 at 7:09 PM on November 12, 2005

all this makes me want to watch matango (aka attack of the mushroom people) -- surely one of the oddest fungus films ever made.
posted by neko at 7:11 PM on November 12, 2005

oddest fungus film? What about Super Mario Brothers: The Movie?
posted by TwelveTwo at 7:17 PM on November 12, 2005

My favorite part of this thread are the people who are commenting who haven't reached the bottom yet. It's like, a blast from the past - 3 hours ago.
posted by muddgirl at 7:26 PM on November 12, 2005

Q:why did Demi Moore go out with the mushroom?
posted by Quartermass at 7:31 PM on November 12, 2005

A: beause he was a fun-guy.
posted by Quartermass at 7:32 PM on November 12, 2005

Damn thread made me get chicken and mushrooms for dinner tonight, upon later reflection.

And, BTW, Mi-Go taste horrible with garlic...
posted by Samizdata at 7:49 PM on November 12, 2005

why is a mushroom like a referee?

because they both keep spore
posted by pyramid termite at 7:51 PM on November 12, 2005

Metafilter: because he was a fun guy

/I got nutthing
posted by wheelieman at 7:52 PM on November 12, 2005

JUST CLOSE US ALLREADY MATT
posted by wheelieman at 7:53 PM on November 12, 2005

...not.
posted by Doohickie at 7:53 PM on November 12, 2005

I had a philly steak and swiss mushroom sandwich for dinner to celebrate this thread. Not the porto kind, and sadly, it was midly disappointing. I ended up feeding half of it to my dog. He was quite delighted by it, to be honest. I don't think he has very refined tastes. The dog also finds cat butt very appealing.
posted by jmccorm at 7:53 PM on November 12, 2005

Is cat-crap mostly undigested food, hence the appealing cat-ass? No? Right.
posted by hototogisu at 8:03 PM on November 12, 2005

> She came from Greece. She had a thirst for knowledge.
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College.
That's where I...caught her eye.
She told me that her dad was loaded.
I said, in that case I'll have a rum and Coca-Cola.
She said fine, and in thirty seconds time she said...

I wanna live like common people.
I wanna do whatever common people do.
I wanna sleep with common people.
I wanna sleep with common people like you.
Well, what else could I do? I said, I'll see what I can do!

I took her to a supermarket.
I don't know why, but I had to start it somewhere.
So it started there!
I said, pretend you've got no money.
She just laughed and said, oh, you're so funny!
I said, yeah? Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here!

Are you sure you want to live like common people?
You want to see whatever common people see?
You want to sleep with common people?
You want to sleep with common people like me?
But she didn't understand...
...she just smiled and held my hands!

Rent a flat above a shop!
Cut your hair and get a job!
Smoke some fags and play some pool.
Pretend you never went to school.
But still you'll never get it right.
When you're lyin' in bed at night,
Watching roaches climb the wall.
If you call your dad he could stop it all.

You'll never live like common people!
You'll never do whatever common people do!
You'll never fail like common people!
You'll never watch your life slide out of view,
and dance, and drink, and screw!
Because there's nothing else to do!
posted by dhartung at 8:12 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

i can't get behind
a fat
ass
posted by cortex at 8:14 PM on November 12, 2005

...and the chip-stains and grease will come out in the bath...
posted by Zack_Replica at 8:35 PM on November 12, 2005

why are we whispering?
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:44 PM on November 12, 2005

Oh, and Samizdata... well *duh*... nothing that flies from Pluto is good with garlic - the the interminable vaccuum of space wreaks havoc with their squamous forms. A light fish based sauce is best, according to Larousse. The suppressed edition, natch.

Cheers to MiHail for an excellent thread, and an equally excellent sense of humour. Rock.
posted by Zack_Replica at 8:44 PM on November 12, 2005

They're all pretty low on the employment foodchain, and such jobs are not of the sort into which people should put all that much effort.

You shitting me? In our unionized stores the cashiers are among the better-paid non-postsecondary positions. Even Loblaws is paying circa $10 to starting cashiers, and I believe experienced, good cashiers are making up to $15. Far from a professional wage, but not bad, either.

Hell, if I'm not mistaken, a couple of our large chains are unionized. They're getting bennies on top of the wage.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:46 PM on November 12, 2005

nothing that flies from Pluto is good with garlic

i have it on good authority that plutonian lobster is excellent with garlic ... as long as you serve it cold
posted by pyramid termite at 8:50 PM on November 12, 2005

...but they're part mushroom too! God, what do we do now??
Oh, I smell a culinary disaster!
posted by Zack_Replica at 8:54 PM on November 12, 2005

just cover it in ketchup ... that works with everything, doesn't it?
posted by pyramid termite at 9:13 PM on November 12, 2005

So, I thought to myself I'll never post in this thread.
Then tonight I went to the groceries store, bought some chicken, some Coffee Crips and... yes... mushrooms, in bulk. Didn't think anything of it, just ordinary mushrooms, this stupid post didn't cross my mind, until the cashier asked what kind of mushrooms they where... well you know ordinary button mushrooms.
And I had a moment of zen, or something like that.

true story.
If I was a different person i would stop posting to MeFi now, but I'm not so I'm not.
posted by edgeways at 9:16 PM on November 12, 2005

posted by moonbird at 9:31 PM on November 12, 2005

I don't care for mushrooms, myself.
posted by Guy Smiley at 9:35 PM on November 12, 2005

ONE THOUSAND COMMENTS! ONE THOUSAND COMMENTS! WE! CAN! DO IT!
posted by Krrrlson at 9:39 PM on November 12, 2005

LOL, you know it's a great thread when there's a Kim Clijsters picture in it, and it isn't about tennis! A great way to unwind coming home from the thankless job of supermarket checker.

I can say that if I don't recognize a particular produce item coming across my line, I ask the customer because I don't want to ring up the wrong thing. 99.9% of the customers have been very nice in confirming what the item was so I could ring it up correctly (besides knowing what it is, we have to know whether to do it by quantity or weight). In my store at least, it's a pain in the ass because to void off a produce purchase after another item has rung up, we have to get a manager's key. The .1% that are pricks about it are made into those "customers from hell" stories we retail workers pass around.

Interestingly, in my case most of the pricks have been those who think it humorous that I have a hard time finding their preferred cigarette brand and box style. I don't smoke and have never had need for such knowledge.
posted by somethingotherthan at 9:41 PM on November 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Ketchup? Bah.

Maybe a nice red wine sauce with a touch of Tindalosian ichor?

(Shooting for the big 1K too. In fact, if we don't get a thousand comments, the terrorists... Oh, bugger it. Not funny anymore.)

Now, what to drink with this?
posted by Samizdata at 9:59 PM on November 12, 2005

Now, what to drink with this?

beer, i think ... only problem is ... where are you going to find a st bernard big enough to carry it all?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:10 PM on November 12, 2005

[fires up genetic engineering lab, after several failed attempts to create triple-jointed femclones and the horror of the sheep that could sing like a brain-damaged Billie Holliday with a fresh tongue-piercing...]

Now to be extra careful I don't end up with one of these.
posted by Samizdata at 10:15 PM on November 12, 2005

It makes me think your grocery stores are not very professional.

At my grocery store, the cashiers wear suits and have MBAs.
posted by 235w103 at 10:31 PM on November 12, 2005

It makes me think your grocery stores are not very professional. posted by five fresh fish at 8:08 PM EST on November 12
What, fff, you don't think Ingles is professional? But, Bob Ingles and his utterly non unionized staff are nothing if not professional! They have a website!
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:40 PM on November 12, 2005

posted by kosem at 11:15 PM on November 12, 2005

At this moment in time i hate Metafilter. 390 comments post-shite mushroom post. For shame.
posted by brautigan at 11:26 PM on November 12, 2005

posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:35 PM on November 12, 2005

brautigan:

Interesting as you still posted in here. Here, have a nice mushroom antipasto and relax...

(Fun is good. This is fun.)
posted by Samizdata at 11:36 PM on November 12, 2005

(Besides, it's helping me stay as sane as I ever am, here at work.)
posted by Samizdata at 11:37 PM on November 12, 2005

CORTEX!
posted by Mr T at 12:01 AM on November 13, 2005

FORK HANDLES! Stupid clerks.
posted by Joeforking at 12:06 AM on November 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

History lesson:
In Yugoslavia around the time of World War II, there were Tito and Mihail(ovic). Then choices were made and pretty soon there was only Tito. For decades.
Most people think Mihail(ovoc) was executed; that is possible, but it is also possible that his great grandaughter is putting us on.
posted by Cranberry at 12:10 AM on November 13, 2005

I often think of the sum of all MetaFilter users as a record, and imagine myself putting them on.

Howdy, Cran.
posted by gramschmidt at 12:17 AM on November 13, 2005

Four

hun

dred.

And the big tag is still gone. Although the mushroom tag works fine.

See?
posted by gramschmidt at 12:18 AM on November 13, 2005

I would just like to point out that I have had many clerks correctly ring up my Italian parsley and/or cilantro with no hints from me, many times.
posted by Mr T at 12:21 AM on November 13, 2005

Howdy Gram. Really sorry about the big tag. I know you miss it.
posted by Cranberry at 12:21 AM on November 13, 2005

*sob*

I wanted to be number 400!

The agony! The pain! Oh noes!

Oh, never mind.

I feel like the poor unattractive girl left over at the end of the party, the one that no one wants to take home.
posted by Windigo at 12:22 AM on November 13, 2005

Is it permissible to move from groceries to shoes? The clerk who wrote up my peau de soie shoe sale thanked me for pronouncing the fabric for her. We laughed together. Retail people are nice.
posted by Cranberry at 12:24 AM on November 13, 2005

403 isn't bad Windigo. Check in the morning. Maybe you could be 700 or 800.
posted by Cranberry at 12:26 AM on November 13, 2005

Can I call you a cab?
posted by Cranberry at 12:27 AM on November 13, 2005

Call me a Pinot.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:30 AM on November 13, 2005

You are a Pinot
posted by Cranberry at 12:31 AM on November 13, 2005

Cranberry, have you ever considered the number of soies that are killed to get all those peaus?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:35 AM on November 13, 2005

This thread receives the Official Gold Star. Not quite sure why yet however.
posted by JakeEXTREME at 12:36 AM on November 13, 2005

It is truly the champignon of all threads.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:37 AM on November 13, 2005

mushrooms - the breakfast of champignons
posted by Cranberry at 12:40 AM on November 13, 2005

Cranberry, I think it was my outfit that led to this lonliness.

I think I should go to bed now.
posted by Windigo at 12:45 AM on November 13, 2005

Y'know. MiHail, if you're still reading this, I just want to mention that there are people who would KILL for an FPP with over FOUR HUNDRED replies. And that most of them wouldn't care if EVERYONE in the thread was talking them down (which isn't the case here).

Lurker to celebrity in one post. Feel GOOD about that. Has the MeTa thread started yet?

BTW, at my local grocery store tonight, the cashier asked me what a turnip was. (Before someone screams at me: same socio-enomic status as myself, as are almost all of the cashiers within 2 miles of my place, just about 25 years younger. Damned Whippersnappers.)
posted by tyllwin at 12:45 AM on November 13, 2005

Love your hat Windigo
posted by Cranberry at 12:47 AM on November 13, 2005

Tyllwin, there was much conjecture up thread about the inclusiveness of current educational facilities. Apparently overgrown buttons are not the only foodstuffs being neglected.
posted by Cranberry at 12:50 AM on November 13, 2005

Actually, that hat looked mighty tasty. There's good eatin' on one of those hats...
posted by Samizdata at 12:50 AM on November 13, 2005

Cranberry: A Confession: When that happens, I always want to tell them it's an artichoke. If I were MiHail, I'd have probably told her that the port(a|o)bello was "bok choy" or something. Or Maybe "I dunno, it was just growing there..."
posted by tyllwin at 12:56 AM on November 13, 2005

Artichokes are fun to eat
posted by Cranberry at 12:58 AM on November 13, 2005

Portobello tacos are better than you'd expect.
posted by I Love Tacos at 1:20 AM on November 13, 2005

Just.
posted by loquacious at 1:59 AM on November 13, 2005

Doing.
posted by loquacious at 1:59 AM on November 13, 2005

My.
posted by loquacious at 2:00 AM on November 13, 2005

Part.
posted by loquacious at 2:00 AM on November 13, 2005

In the.
posted by loquacious at 2:00 AM on November 13, 2005

War.
posted by loquacious at 2:01 AM on November 13, 2005

Against terror!
posted by loquacious at 2:01 AM on November 13, 2005

HOOAH!
posted by loquacious at 2:02 AM on November 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
and I actually laughed out loud
(from)
posted by chrismear at 2:22 AM on November 13, 2005

At my grocery store, the cashiers wear suits and have MBAs.

At my grocery store, the cashiers all have PHDs. They receive federal grants for running the registers, and are so smart, you can't talk to them without an appointment. A peer-reviewed appointment, at that.
posted by Smart Dalek at 4:00 AM on November 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by swift at 4:42 AM on November 13, 2005

At my grocery store, the cashiers wear suits and have MBAs.

At my grocery store, the cashiers all have PHDs. They receive federal grants for running the registers, and are so smart, you can't talk to them without an appointment. A peer-reviewed appointment, at that.

At my grocery store, the cashiers are all super computers from outer space. They are so smart. They can compute and comprehend the universe with cold mechanical logic. An-an-an, they have laser beans!
posted by TwelveTwo at 4:59 AM on November 13, 2005 [2 favorites]

Beams! Beams! Oh, I'm so embarassed.
posted by TwelveTwo at 5:00 AM on November 13, 2005

Beans is better
posted by devon at 5:06 AM on November 13, 2005

But bratwurst is best!
posted by TwelveTwo at 5:09 AM on November 13, 2005

Laser beans on space toast. Yes. Snack food of the Future.
posted by Grangousier at 5:13 AM on November 13, 2005 [2 favorites]

aww man... this is quickly turning into a has-bean
posted by chibikeandy at 5:23 AM on November 13, 2005

I really, really, really didn't expect this thread to still be going on when I woke up this morning.

MetaFilter, you surprise me every day!
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:26 AM on November 13, 2005

At my grocery store, the cashiers are all super computers from outer space.

at my grocery store the cashiers are all smurfs ... but they're professional smurfs
posted by pyramid termite at 5:32 AM on November 13, 2005

at my grocery store the cashiers are all smurfs ... but they're professional smurfs

They would clearly know their mushrooms.

"Hey, this portabello looks like Papa Smurfs house!"
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 6:06 AM on November 13, 2005

I'm posting to this thread.
posted by cillit bang at 6:14 AM on November 13, 2005

Beans... beans...
they're good for your heart...

weapons-grade pandemonium: Thanks for that most enlightening article. I have two reactions:

1) When you're referencing four consecutive footnotes, as after the second sentence, you should really just have the first and fourth numbers, connected by an en dash, thus:

...separate areas of the heap.^3–6

If you'd rather include all the numbers, the preferred way is to separate them with commas, no spaces, thus:

...separate areas of the heap.^3,4,5,6

Separating them with spaces is just not right.

This message has been brought to you by the Chicago Manual of Style.

2) Towards the bottom of the page occurs the phrase "huge doughnut." It is impossible to read this phrase in the year 2005 without envisioning Homer Simpson drooling.

But we were talking about mushrooms...
posted by languagehat at 6:21 AM on November 13, 2005

Hey, um...

I wrote my 400th post the other day.
Yay for me.

This'll be 401, to The Blue.
posted by Jon-o at 7:09 AM on November 13, 2005

I don't even know what this thread is about but it's wildly entertaining
posted by pieoverdone at 7:17 AM on November 13, 2005

I once saw a clerk at my grocery store rip the spine right out of a full grown man as he stood, just for trying to slip under the express lane limit by counting 2 identical items as one item.

Then she ate it right there in front of everyone with some Dijonnaise.

But that's ok because in my neighborhood everone is a totally stupendous badass. He just shrugged, grabbed one of the belt dividers from the checkout line, stuffed in place of his spine and walked out.
posted by loquacious at 7:30 AM on November 13, 2005 [2 favorites]

FWIW, my nap turned into a major crash session and I ended up sleeping until this morning, so my mycological masterpiece is now slated for lunch (probably). I'm turning possibilities around in my head, since Mom visited recently and stocked the fridge. First I'll lightly precook the mushroom in either a frying pan or under the broiler. I have a little orzo pasta left from something Ma made; maybe that plus a handful of very lightly steamed spinach (I usuallay add it to the pasta water at the last minute and then drain everything immediately). A little rosemary and olive oil. A handful of Mozzerella (crappy shredded stuff, not fresh, but it's there and needs to be used). Back under the broiler to make the cheese brown and bubbly.

At least that's the current plan.
posted by MiHail at 7:56 AM on November 13, 2005

er...usually. Coffee clearly still not working yet.
posted by MiHail at 7:57 AM on November 13, 2005

This reminds me of the time I played Star Control II. Did anyone else think that the Mycon race would go really well with a dab of butter?
posted by jmccorm at 8:07 AM on November 13, 2005

MiHail:

Props for turning things around after a rather rocky start. Usually people get more and more inflamed until there's a big explosion, but somewhere in the middle there you pulled yourself out of a stall and regained altitude. Good job.
posted by Bugbread at 8:07 AM on November 13, 2005

What bugbread said. This thread deserves a place on the signup page.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:14 AM on November 13, 2005

*cough*
posted by fluffycreature at 8:26 AM on November 13, 2005

posted by 27 at 8:32 AM on November 13, 2005

Thanks, bugbread and goodnews.

I do have this tendency to wander from thought to thought without bridging them appropriately. I also make the occasional massive overgeneralization (as in "THAT's what's wrong with America!" about something stoopid). My friends call me on it all the time ("Where the hell did THAT come from?" is something I hear a lot, and of course I'm always surprised that everyone doesn't follow the same convoluted mental processes I do).

Look what I learned in MeTa today: I can point out one of the really useful things I got from this thread. I'm hoping I can put some of the suggestions in the proffered links to good use.

27, I'm really sorry your train was smashed.
posted by MiHail at 8:40 AM on November 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

I was loving this thread, laughing myself silly, getting ready to post my own experiences in The Great Onion Wars of '05 when I read this:

My overall point was that (1) here was someone whose job is to sell food, and could not identify a (relatively) common food item, because they have become dependant on those four-number PLUs and barcodes to do their job. Their job is to stand there with the drool running down their chins and pass your purchases in front of a machine or maybe punch a few numbers into a keypad occasionally.

And somehow the laughter just died out of me. The attitude of "let"s make fun of someone working in a job that didn't require a college degree" is so depressing to me. Yeah garbage men are funny. Whoo hoo. Middle-age waitresses with varicose veins-- hysterical. Janitors, factory workers, truck drivers-- if they had any brains they be doctors or lawyers, so obviously they are retarded.

Mihail, if I was your mother, I would be mortified.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:43 AM on November 13, 2005

at my grocery store the cashiers are all smurfs ... but they're professional smurfs

Consider yourself lucky.

At my grocery store, they hire essentially "amateur" smurfs - barely skilled lads with like four-month smurfing diplomas from Devry - and I can't tell you the mess these so-called smurfs make packing my produce. I'm talking peaches and bok choy under the honeydew. Oh the huge manatee and so forth.
posted by gompa at 8:44 AM on November 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

That picture is backwards. That's me on the left in black. I should be on the right.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:44 AM on November 13, 2005

Unrelated story: The most elaborate, gourmet-restaurant-worthy dish I've ever cooked in my own kitchen was an elk-striploin carpaccio topped with a portobello bruschetta. Got the recipe from a local chef.

Absolutely heavenly, and I don't give a good goddamn if portobellos are the big dumb halfwit oaf mushrooms that all the stylish little button mushrooms poke fun at in mushroom school, they lend an exquisite flavour to this dish. Goes best with a bold Italian red and withering contempt for anyone who doesn't know where to source good elk striploin and/or what carpaccio is.

Put this in a separate post to do my bit toward 1K.
posted by gompa at 8:47 AM on November 13, 2005

Ya the reversed Burlington Northern text on the box car gave it away.
posted by Mitheral at 8:50 AM on November 13, 2005

I refuse to post to this thread.
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 8:58 AM on November 13, 2005

Put this in a separate post to do my bit toward 1K.

OK, done.
posted by loquacious at 9:04 AM on November 13, 2005

If we get this thread up to 1000, it'll bring about world peace. Don't you want world peace?
posted by Krrrlson at 9:06 AM on November 13, 2005

MiHail : "27, I'm really sorry your train was smashed."

I think it was destroyed by being sucked through a wormhole, which explains why, as has been pointed out, all the writing is backwards.
posted by Bugbread at 9:07 AM on November 13, 2005

gravy, it's too late. My mother already is mortified.
posted by MiHail at 9:18 AM on November 13, 2005

First I'll lightly precook the mushroom in either a frying pan or under the broiler. I have a little orzo pasta left from something Ma made; maybe that plus a handful of very lightly steamed spinach... A little rosemary and olive oil. A handful of Mozzerella... Back under the broiler to make the cheese brown and bubbly.

*drools*
posted by languagehat at 9:19 AM on November 13, 2005

I'm interested in how it came out looking like a snail.
posted by MiHail at 9:19 AM on November 13, 2005

(the train, that is)
posted by MiHail at 9:20 AM on November 13, 2005

"...some Coffee Crips..."

"We've secretly replaced these Crips' gin and juice with Folger's Freeze-Dried Crystals. Let's see if they can tell the difference!"
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:21 AM on November 13, 2005

MiHail : "I'm interested in how it came out looking like a snail.
(the train, that is)"

I am shocked--SHOCKED--that you can't tell the difference between a train and a snail. To think, you've never had a delicious buttery escargot or a grilled railway spike.
posted by Bugbread at 9:24 AM on November 13, 2005

I think I had the railway spike at a family bar-b-que once--drunk brother left the food on a litttttle too long.
posted by MiHail at 9:30 AM on November 13, 2005

Search Google Images funny mushroom, and who do you suppose is looking out at you from the middle of the first page? You won't believe this.

Göran Persson.

There's a bigger picture here.
"Who is Göran Persson?" I hear you say.
Göran Persson is the guy who became famous all over the internets and launched his acting career after he appeared on the infamous MeFi Portobello thread.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:09 AM on November 13, 2005

There is even a Goran Persson transformer where you can make him look like a funny mushroom.
posted by amro at 10:23 AM on November 13, 2005

Put this in a separate post to do my bit toward 1K.

OK, done.

Well played.
posted by gompa at 10:24 AM on November 13, 2005

I think it's really spelled "port o'bello" -- it goes in this recipe.
posted by JanetLand at 10:34 AM on November 13, 2005

The Mushroom is the Elf of Plants --
At Evening, it is not --
At Morning, in a Truffled Hut
It stop upon a Spot

As if it tarried always
And yet its whole Career
Is shorter than a Snake's Delay
And fleeter than a Tare --

'Tis Vegetation's Juggler --
The Germ of Alibi --
Doth like a Bubble antedate
And like a Bubble, hie --

I feel as if the Grass was pleased
To have it intermit --
This surreptitious scion
Of Summer's circumspect.

Had Nature any supple Face
Or could she one contemn --
Had Nature an Apostate --
That Mushroom -- it is Him!
posted by agropyron at 10:41 AM on November 13, 2005

Regal Mushroom by Jason Henning

Misunderstood

stools hovering regal

over organic matter,

Multicolored unique samples,

hues risen of original mutations,

Magnificent useful samples having real

or organoliptic magic

Messiah underfoot?

sights heavenly?

reality overhead?

or merely,

a mushroom?
posted by agropyron at 10:42 AM on November 13, 2005

posted by agropyron at 10:43 AM on November 13, 2005

MR T!
posted by cortex at 10:45 AM on November 13, 2005

This is just to say
That I grilled the mushrooms in the ice box
And you were saving
For burgers.

Forgive me,
they were delicious,
so meaty
and so bold.
posted by kosem at 10:48 AM on November 13, 2005 [2 favorites]

(on preview, agropyn, right on)
posted by kosem at 10:51 AM on November 13, 2005

From the not so fun and entertaining side of the newsfilter...

Was found dead today. Guerrero has held multiple titles during his run in Sports Entertainment while being one of the most loved and most hated Superstars in the WWE. His interesting blend of basic wrestling and lucha libre style brought him quickly to the center stage in various Wrestling organizations. Guerrero was also considered to be one of the pioneers of bringing lucha libre to an acceptable level for the likes of Rey Mysterio and Psychosis to appear in American promotions.

One must wonder what this will do to current WWE storylines. WWE was going to have Guerrero face off in a triple threat title match versus Randy Orton and Batista this tuesday. Rumor was heavily pointed to Guerrero picking up the strap due to Batista taking 3 months off due to a back injury. The match has since been taken off the card and links to it have been removed from the WWE website.

Sorry for the interuption of this fine fungi fun fest of a thread. Didn't think my newsfilter was quite worth the front page but just in case someone here cared, I'd post it to this thread. Apologies in advance.
posted by JakeEXTREME at 11:04 AM on November 13, 2005

We have haiku!
posted by Frisbee Girl at 11:18 AM on November 13, 2005

A SNAKE, OH IT'S A SNAKE!
posted by Mr T at 11:21 AM on November 13, 2005

And thanks, MiHail, for being such a good sport. I really haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
posted by Frisbee Girl at 11:22 AM on November 13, 2005

Wow.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 11:28 AM on November 13, 2005

I once read a book that contained the line, "She swallowed his mushroomy spurt." I haven't eaten a mushroom since.

I think it was Tom Robbins. Probably Jitterbug Perfume.
posted by jrossi4r at 11:37 AM on November 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

There's a fungus among us.
posted by amro at 11:42 AM on November 13, 2005

Can I play, too?
posted by stet at 11:43 AM on November 13, 2005

What a bouf! What is that, rutting goat?

Paraphrasing, badly I suspect.
posted by loquacious at 11:46 AM on November 13, 2005

Should I go run upstairs and find my copy?
posted by Samizdata at 12:07 PM on November 13, 2005

Personally I don't much care for mushrooms.
posted by kenko at 12:10 PM on November 13, 2005

Mushrooms

Sylvia Plath

Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly

Our toes, our noses
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air.

Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.

Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,

Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,

Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes. We

Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking

Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot's in the door.

* * *

More mushroom poems.
posted by languagehat at 12:14 PM on November 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

It was Jitterbug Perfume, but I got the line wrong. It is:

Alas, it could endure but for so long, and no sooner was Alma hiccupping the mushroom scent of his spurt than he was regretting his choice.

Thanks Amazon, for your awesome search feature!
posted by jrossi4r at 12:25 PM on November 13, 2005

I, too had a bad checkout experience the other day. The cashier had no idea what Oyster mushrooms were, or sand pears.

Then she messed up with the register, and a look of terror came over her as she realized she would actuall have to figure out the change herself!

This was a woman who seemed to be thirty-something. I bet she still has nightmares.

(And for what its worth, I don't think she was stupid, I think she'd got in the habit of letting the computer do the work.)

(And another and: MiHail, this was the best thread I've read here in ages. Thank you, and lay off the Ramen. It's cheap, yeah. But its evil.)
posted by merelyglib at 12:28 PM on November 13, 2005

I've told this before, but when I was in college there were these two re-ally straight girls who borrowed a hotpot from the guys down the hall one night to make spaghetti.

The guys down the hall had previously used the hotpot to stew up some 'shrooms. Not for dietary purposes.

They said it was the most interesting spaghetti they had ever had.
posted by dhartung at 12:32 PM on November 13, 2005

Can I make stew with these "virtual" mushrooms "IRL"? I'd like that rabbit too, please.
posted by lorrer at 12:34 PM on November 13, 2005

I flipped on Radio 4 on the way to the supermarket today and the Food Programme was all about the British wild mushroom season. What are the odds? Interesting stuff.

Listen here (programme starts at about the 2:40 mark).
posted by chrismear at 12:35 PM on November 13, 2005

Wow, I check in to see what I missed, and it's still going????

Whew, hum, hrrm, mebbe I'll be 500. Who knew?
posted by nevercalm at 12:51 PM on November 13, 2005

Nope. Oh well.
posted by nevercalm at 12:51 PM on November 13, 2005

Mushrooms! Goddammit! I forgot to put that on my grocery list. Thanks, MiHail. It would have been a sad day without Portobellas in my stir-fry.

A grocery store in San Antonio with slack-jawed cashiers? Um, which one? I'm betting Vatoland HEB, but it could be any damned one of them.

I used to cashier for extra money. I worked in an office during the day but didn't make enough money to enjoy the good things. So for $6.00 an hour I put up with really really snobby people yelling at me for anything they could think of. The people of northern Dallas are just awful.

But, at any rate, we DID have to learn the produce. We were required to walk through before our shift started to see if there was anything new. There were no UPC labels at that time. I memorized them all. Everything from baby Chinese purple eggplant to daikon. I have never eaten either of them. My job required it of me, so I learned it.

My point--the people that work in service industries, at least in San Antonio, don't seem to give a shit about anything. If you work in a grocery store, it's your job to know the products. If you work in a restaurant, you need to know if the iced tea is pre-sweetened. If you work at Wal-Mart, the least you can do is give my stuff your attention while ringing it up. If you are a telemarketer, be able to answer my questions. Why? Because it's your fucking job. My job requires me to know about computers. So I have learned about computers. Mid-range server components and how they are configured. When I'm not in the office, I couldn't care less about NIC cards and filler panels. But I have to care when I am at WORK.

My suggestion to those in low-paying shitty starter jobs: learn about the product you are selling, even if you don't care about it. When you grow up and out, you will have an easier time learning about other stuff you don't care about.
posted by Jade5454 at 12:54 PM on November 13, 2005

Some mushroom smell very badness like sock corpses before laundry, not Frank Tang mushroom...

500
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:55 PM on November 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

~~500!!!~~

DAMNIT!

501!
posted by loquacious at 12:56 PM on November 13, 2005

A strangely compelling thread. Not mentioned here, surprisingly, maybe because most people my age are dead or more likely, out raking leaves, but I remember the days when you went to the grocery store, turned left into the produce department, and they had one kind of lettuce, one kind of mushroom, one kind of carrot

I'm not dead, nor raking leaves, but I am baking bread. Just got those babies down for their second rising, and now I am off to the store to buy garlic for tonight's Irish Stew. Maybe I can find something exotic and taunt my cashier with it.

But the point is I remember when there were no UPC codes!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 1:00 PM on November 13, 2005

I remember when there were no ATM machines or PIN numbers.
Or deja-vu all-over-agains.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:07 PM on November 13, 2005

So this is why masturbating in public is considered obscene.
posted by Ynoxas at 1:11 PM on November 13, 2005

500? Jeebus. Of course, 100 are loquacious.
still, take a bow, MiHail.

This thread is one more example of my piss-poor predictive skills. I thought it'd be closed at 19 comments.
posted by Busithoth at 1:23 PM on November 13, 2005

a rather rude phallus
posted by moonbird at 1:24 PM on November 13, 2005

shit, I meant mushroom (and gave it away)
posted by moonbird at 1:24 PM on November 13, 2005

I remember when nobody remembered when...

Oh, and...

MUSHROOM!
posted by Samizdata at 1:34 PM on November 13, 2005

When I was much younger, say around ten, I wrote 300 page book about (and this is a true story, really and absolutely true, and I just wanted you to know this because sometimes I do lie about stuff, for example my real name is not, in fact, Temperence Horny) a Mushroom, called, I dunno, Mr Mushroom or something and his wild and wacky adventures through some teleporting thingy. Anyhow, I made myself write 3 pages a day every day for 100 days, and figured out early on that a page could be done superquick if you had something like:

Nervously I peered over the edge of the cliff, and then...
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
a
rr
rrr
rrrr
SPLAT.

I still think that I hold the record for sheer number of characters that fell off things of great height in a continuous narrative. I wrote it on those grey elephant pads and my friend wrote one about SuperSock only he could draw so everyone liked his better even though it was only like 75 pages or so including the pictures. What a drooling, gap-toothed amateur. He's now a clinical psychologist who lectures all over the world.

1k Excelsior!
posted by Sparx at 1:53 PM on November 13, 2005 [2 favorites]

I love you, Jade. Surprisingly it wasn't the Vato-EB, it was the Thousand Oaks HEB--you know, the one with the gum-chewing checkers with bad attitudes who are always having convos with coworkers about their next beer-soaked party. Thanks for the support, sister.

Along those lines, I must say that I always tried to take something away from whatever slave-labor job I happened to have at that time. At one point I worked 2 jobs--at McDonalds, and as a receptionist/typist at one of the U of M departments. At the first, I learned to be organized (I was "lucky" enough to end up with what was the least desired job on the night shift, namely disassembling the shake machine, washing all the little parts, and then loading them into special trays so the morning person could re-assemble); at the second, I finally learned to be able to touch-type the numbers row of the keyboard. Another equally meaningless job resulted in the ability to 10-key it like a madwoman.

On another note, this particular link had me laughing my ass off. As good as the fabled Turkish love machine.
posted by MiHail at 1:59 PM on November 13, 2005

Can you tell an Early Girl from a Brandywine? Do you even know what I'm talking about, you uneducated bastard?

You clearly can't even use an ellipsis, you degenerate swine. Go back to 3rd grade.
posted by scarabic at 2:01 PM on November 13, 2005

Mushrooms are funny.
posted by JanetLand at 2:16 PM on November 13, 2005

Over the halfway point to world peace.
posted by Krrrlson at 2:16 PM on November 13, 2005

I had a comment a few hundred posts ago... but now that I've finally reached the bottom of this damn thread I can't remember what it was. I'm pretty sure it was funny, tho...

Maybe if I start reading from the top it'll come back to me...
posted by It ain't over yet at 2:20 PM on November 13, 2005

scarabic, though I have no reason to do so, I'm taking your comment personally. I think my 3rd grade teacher is dead and rotting now, thanks. (feeding future mushrooms?)
posted by Busithoth at 2:21 PM on November 13, 2005

In Porto Bello
I met a fellow
With a cane umbrella
Who must have used a sieve
posted by Kirth Gerson at 1:59 PM PST on November 12 [!]

A man after my own heart!

Though I'd like to note that the correct lyric is "in THE Porto Bello". :P
posted by nonmerci at 2:27 PM on November 13, 2005

I just wanted to make a second comment in this thread, 'cause I can't find the first one. I bet it's in there somewhere, though.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:32 PM on November 13, 2005

i can live with a cashier not knowing (or caring) how to recognize a particular mushroom....

had to add, though, that i was recently at a home depot to get a funnel, had no idea where they might be and didn't want to wander around the massive store. so, i asked the girl/woman at the cust. svc. desk where i could find a funnel.

"what's a funnel?"

un freakin' belieavble
posted by ambient2 at 2:35 PM on November 13, 2005

scarabic writes "Can you tell an Early Girl from a Brandywine?"

Yep, two kinds of tomato that both grow well in the interior of BC.
posted by Mitheral at 2:40 PM on November 13, 2005

This thread has taken me there and back again, for whatever that's worth.
posted by OmieWise at 2:47 PM on November 13, 2005

What the fuck is a mushroom?
posted by Edible Energy at 3:05 PM on November 13, 2005

I loves this thread.

Not so much it's original intent, though.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 3:09 PM on November 13, 2005

Nobody's going to see this, but I feel it needs to be said: this is one of the funniest comments I've ever read on MeFi.
posted by nomad at 3:13 PM on November 13, 2005

Oh, I saw it.

And I disagree.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:20 PM on November 13, 2005

It's the reproductive organ of a relative of athelete's foot.
posted by warbaby at 3:29 PM on November 13, 2005

er, athalete's foot

no wait, athaelete's foot

oh, hell. Toe jam.
posted by warbaby at 3:31 PM on November 13, 2005

Dammit, we had first snowfall last night. Wet slop, it mashed the remaining veggies, had to haul 'em all in, give up the garden.

I so hate winter.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:42 PM on November 13, 2005

Oh, and mushrooms are awesome. The Life of Plants had a bit about them, IIRC. Or whichever documentary it was, bottom line is that the 'shrooms are amazing bits of biology.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:44 PM on November 13, 2005

oh, hell. Toe jam.

Hey! You forgot Earl!

posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:57 PM on November 13, 2005

"Brandywine" is a bit of a trick question, since there are both Brandywine tomatoes AND Brandywine apples.
posted by MiHail at 4:07 PM on November 13, 2005

I went fishing today and built a fire on the lakeshore. Throwing the squawfish into the fire, I saw it mouth "my father is Jacques d'Arc".
posted by stirfry at 4:16 PM on November 13, 2005

Hey, FFF, I came across this recently: a means to scratch an itchy green thumb during winter.

I really envy you having space for a garden (even though you now have to deal with the mush). Is it possible to use a cold frame for some cool-weather things? You might even get some lettuces or spinach that tolerate cooler conditions...

I so hate the pissing rain and overcast skies that constitute winter in San Antonio...I miss having four seasons.

I'm thinking of throwing some mixed lettuce seeds into the whiskey barrel on my porch, but the prognosis on actually getting something is iffy at best.

Also, maybe this year I'll ask for one of those shiitake logs for Xmas. In honor of this entire post.
posted by MiHail at 4:22 PM on November 13, 2005

What the fuck is a mushroom?

I'm very glad you asked. You should disregard everything else said here and elsewhere about mushrooms as it is complete and total bullshit.

Here is the secret truth to mushrooms.

A mushroom is an nth-dimensional space-travelling, spore-bearing, solar-wind-riding interstellar traveller here to hollow out your brainpan and fill it with semi-intelligent iridescent goo.

Although many ill informed so-called scientists known generally as mycologists will tell you that the mushroom is merely the short-lived, above ground, fruiting and/or reproductive body of a fungus which actually spends most of its life unseen below ground, the true higher-order method in which it propagates itself is through the implantation of various information structures in host organisms via oral consumption.

Like our own terrestrial fruits and vegetables, the mushroom offers something of value to entice a host organism into inadvertently aiding its reproductive cycle.

This is the primary reason why mushrooms are so tasty. And sometimes irrationally and disturbingly entertaining.

The mechanism in which these self-reproducing information structures actually reproduce themselves and contribute to the reproduction cycle of the mushroom is mostly unknown - particularly the end cycle - but leading theories indicate that the host organism will usually encode these information structures as encrypted imprints upon the spoken and written language of the host organism in a manner not unlike stenography.

These blocks of information-structure-encoded written language texts are usually broadcast using various electro-mechanical information publishing systems, such as the case with computer networks here on our planet.

Though these information publishing systems and communications networks vary from planet to planet, it is a common occurrence across the vast, populated Cosmos that specific types of extremely active and aggressive mushrooms were consumed in vast quantities by the inventors and pioneers of these electro-mechanical computer or communications networks; That is to say in the question of which begat whom and what, and sometimes where, the mushroom can most often be traced or linked to being the prime originator and motivating force behind building such complex and vast communications devices.

If you were able to ask a mushroom if a monkey (or, say, a lizard-person from the planetary system of Sirius) could build a computer for itself, it would simply laugh at you - then scoop out your brainpan and fill it with iridescent goo.

Though, towards the end cycle of the mushrooms higher-order propagation - which corresponds directly with the density of the publishing and communication networks and the number of actively infected hosts - there seems to be less and less care taken in the secrecy with which the mushroom encodes its information structures.

One going theory is that in the orgiastic delights of the mushrooms parasitic sexual reproduction cycle it becomes quite careless, intoxicated and even begins displaying diabolically clever prankster-like traits. Some of these pranks are clearly represented in mass delusions and hysteria such as UFO sightings, or in darker manifestations such as war and organized religion.

This extremely dark humor is best revealed in Judaism and many sects of Christianity - both undoubtably originally inspired by occulted mushroom worship - both of which even go so far as to mutilate the genitals of their male offspring to resemble the fruiting body of the mushroom itself.

Mushrooms find this to be very, very amusing indeed - and should be taken as a clear warning about the danger, power and pervasiveness of the mushroom upon whole segments society of infected hosts organisms.

For another prime example of this latter-stage indiscretion of the mushrooms from our local planet, host organisms often fill up pages and pages electro-mechanical text constructs with blinking, multi-hued gibberish on, say, free hosting services like GeoCities and LiveJournal upon which the aforementioned higher-order information structures are imprinted.

The quality of these information structures from the mushrooms point of view is exceedingly fine and exciting - mushroom pornography, if you will - but to the numerous infected host organisms on the planet the quality of the substrate texts varies from host to host. One host will find it wildly exciting and truthful while the next will find it to be incomprehensible gibberish or outright balderdash. For all intents and purposes both viewpoints are "true", as there isn't any real information there for the use of the host organisms to begin with anyway.

Being confronted with this shocking information generally brings up many valid concerns and questions, particularly about how to tell - if you as a suitable host organism - have been infected or not.

The best advice that can be given is to not spend much energy worrying about it. Chances are rather large that it's already happened to you and you never even noticed.
posted by loquacious at 4:24 PM on November 13, 2005 [5 favorites]

Oh, too many posters on this thread whose babies I could have. But it took so long to read, and I was laughing so hard, what with the tears down the face and the chest aching and all, that my dialup actually disconnected for lack of activity.

And as always with threads like this, I am reminded of my own stories WRT the Entitled People of Birmingham/Bloomfield, Michigan, often seen raising a fuss in a store over piffle ...

Anyway, this story alone made it all worth it:
It was the first supermarket in my hometown that had one of those live lobster tanks. At night they would take the lobsters out of the tank and let them run down the aisles.

Altho' you later admitted they were just doing it to race the lobsters, I'm still glad those critters got a few minutes of freedom.

FREE THE LOBSTERS!
posted by NorthernLite at 4:27 PM on November 13, 2005

damn, loquacious, you were glad he asked.
you forgot to mention they don't taste good without peanut butter (or in a tea, ideally)
posted by Busithoth at 4:31 PM on November 13, 2005

If you were able to ask a mushroom if a monkey (or, say, a lizard-person from the planetary system of Sirius) could build a computer for itself, it would simply laugh at you - then scoop out your brainpan and fill it with iridescent goo.

Wow.
posted by amro at 4:33 PM on November 13, 2005

Mush... Room...

He he he!

Get it? Mush Room.

Bwahahaha!!
posted by Balisong at 4:53 PM on November 13, 2005

loq, kindly leave my brainpan out of this discussion.

Thanks.
posted by Frisbee Girl at 5:22 PM on November 13, 2005

"Can you tell an Early Girl from a Brandywine?"

Yep, two kinds of tomato that both grow well in the interior of BC.

Okay, that's ZERO points for NO differentiating information. Third grade is a little early to fail you for not following directions. Off to the fifth grade with you~!

"Brandywine" is a bit of a trick question, since there are both Brandywine tomatoes AND Brandywine apples.

You're busted for cheating. No Google allowed. I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record.
posted by scarabic at 5:22 PM on November 13, 2005

Early Girls ripen earlier in the season?
(... I admit I don't know when Brandywines ripen but I know that Early Girls ripen early because that's what I'm going to grow.)
posted by librarina at 5:26 PM on November 13, 2005

Frisbee Gurl:

Since when has an empirical mandate ever been a discussion?

Yrs trly,

-loq.

PS: melon baller.
posted by loquacious at 5:28 PM on November 13, 2005

*gives loq a wet willie*

That's for licking me earlier.
posted by Frisbee Girl at 5:33 PM on November 13, 2005

Oh, and screw your Empirialist attitude, mister.
posted by Frisbee Girl at 5:34 PM on November 13, 2005

Hey, anyone here like mushrooms?
posted by agropyron at 5:37 PM on November 13, 2005

Once I took a mushroom to the movies, didn't have to pay to get him in.
posted by agropyron at 5:37 PM on November 13, 2005

Don't let the "good vibes" fool you... you're still an insufferable trasp.
posted by cadastral at 5:37 PM on November 13, 2005

I am so drunk I had to run through like 5 "next page" links before I realized this was still on the main page. Dammmn you delcicious....various drinks!!!!
posted by evilelvis at 6:02 PM on November 13, 2005

Frisbee Girl: Hey, it's not my empirical mandate. Talk to the mushrooms, man. Err, woman. Pie plate. Whatever. ;)

*squicks out ear, winces slightly*
posted by loquacious at 6:03 PM on November 13, 2005

evilelvis, if your nick is even remotely a Therapy? reference, then I am your fan. Your *fan* I say!

If not, then never mind.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:21 PM on November 13, 2005

I remember when there were no UPC codes!

Heh. Me too.
posted by mediareport at 6:25 PM on November 13, 2005

Heh. I remember when lasers were invented.
posted by warbaby at 6:31 PM on November 13, 2005

So who gets the points for the very last entry in this vent-a-thon? Will it just go on and on and.......
posted by leftcoastbob at 6:56 PM on November 13, 2005

Do you remember when laser beans were invented?
posted by TwelveTwo at 6:58 PM on November 13, 2005

Like it was yesterday.
posted by loquacious at 7:18 PM on November 13, 2005

Do you remember when laser beans were invented?

Oh yes! Combining lasers with the musical fruit was genius.
posted by jrossi4r at 7:24 PM on November 13, 2005

On the rare occasions when I have worked in the service industry, I have never bothered to learn anything about whatever it was we were supposed to be selling, or why.

This is largely because I hate you.
posted by kyrademon at 7:26 PM on November 13, 2005

scarabic writes "You're busted for cheating. No Google allowed."

Actually I knew this with out looking it up, I don't know if MiHail did. I figured you were meaning the tomato variety from context because even the most slack-jawed "drooling" of MeFi members could probably tell the difference between an apple and a tomato.
posted by Mitheral at 8:10 PM on November 13, 2005

Mushrooms are the new pancakes. Come to think of it, maybe portabellas are the new pony?
posted by stet at 8:37 PM on November 13, 2005

Pony
posted by stet at 8:38 PM on November 13, 2005

Poop
posted by stet at 8:38 PM on November 13, 2005

Hee hee hee. Poop.
posted by stet at 8:38 PM on November 13, 2005

Hey, there was supposed to be another pony in there. WTF MATT!!!!!
posted by stet at 8:39 PM on November 13, 2005

And then she pulled out
My mushroom tip
Goin' over it just went drip, drip, drip
I didn't know
She had the GI Kung Fu Grip

-sublime.
posted by Mr T at 8:46 PM on November 13, 2005

Grip!
posted by Mr T at 8:50 PM on November 13, 2005

I've Got The Kung Fu Grip Behind My Green Trap Kit
Never Ever Ever Smoking Crack
Never Ever Ever Fucking Wack.

-bb

Suck it haters!
posted by Mr T at 8:53 PM on November 13, 2005

I still pull for waffles. Always have, always will.
posted by dchase at 9:19 PM on November 13, 2005

we sold some mushroom tea
we sold some ecstasy
we sold nitrous opium acid heroin and pcp

and now i hear the police comin' after me
yes i hear the police comin' after me...

/2nd entry in sublime concordance under "mushroom"
posted by kosem at 9:19 PM on November 13, 2005

> Helping the kids out of their coats
But wait the babies haven't been born oh oh oh
Unpacking the bags and setting up
And planting lilacs and buttercups oh oh oh

But in the meantime I've got it hard
Second floor living without a yard oh oh oh
It may be years until the day
My dreams will match up with my pay oh oh oh

Old dirt road (mushaboom)
Knee deep snow (mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow (mushaboom)
old

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house oh oh oh
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done oh oh oh

How many acres how much light
Tucked in the woods and out of sight oh oh oh
Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap
On a little road barely on the map oh oh oh

Old dirt road (mushaboom)
Knee deep snow (mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow (mushaboom)
old

Old dirt road (mushaboom)
Rambling rose (mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow (mushaboom)
well I'm sold
posted by dhartung at 9:50 PM on November 13, 2005

MUSHDOOM!
posted by Mr T at 9:59 PM on November 13, 2005

You all think you know so much about mushrooms but this person seems to think she knows everything about them. She may not be a great webdesigner but I do like her illustrations.
posted by Lynsey at 10:01 PM on November 13, 2005

She's wrong. Just look at her. Her brainpan is practically gushing out fountains of iridescent goo. She's obviously terribly infected and inflicted, and it's awful to witness.
posted by loquacious at 10:42 PM on November 13, 2005

Not portabello.
posted by JakeEXTREME at 11:14 PM on November 13, 2005

NSFW Porto-bella
in the same way that portobello mushrooms are gargantuan button mushrooms... this is Bella, a rather porto Bella indeed.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:30 PM on November 13, 2005

When I say suck it, I mean suck it!
posted by Mr T at 11:54 PM on November 13, 2005

mushaboom, shaboom (mov)
posted by kyleg at 12:17 AM on November 14, 2005

posted by Hands of Manos at 12:59 AM on November 14, 2005

Sly borrows Cher's hair
posted by Cranberry at 1:07 AM on November 14, 2005

scarabic, a little FYI:

I grew up in Michigan and was lucky enough to have lots of apple trees in my very own back yard--heirloom species mostly, since the house was on former farmland and some of the trees were quite old (and hollow--they all gradually fell down over the years, alas).

So tell me, what would you do with a Greening?

Of course, everyone knows "Spies are for pies" (Northern Spies, that is) and that a true apple afficianado avoids the mush that is the sad genetic freak ironically called "Delicious". Braeburns (a newish variety) are good eaters, Jonathans are best in season because they tend to get mushy later on, and the best place to pick-your-own used to be Huron Farms (I think there's a housing development there now, as there is at Farmer Grant's--best you-pick strawberries ever).

My first reaction was that they were BOTH apples, since I knew a Brandywine was such, and for some reason Early Girl rang a bell (probably was thinking of Pink Ladies).
posted by MiHail at 1:15 AM on November 14, 2005

This is the energizer bunny of threads.
posted by TwelveTwo at 1:19 AM on November 14, 2005

some reading material (one of my dad's favorite Xmas gifts ever--he bakes pies):

Apple Pie Perfect

Sorry for the lame Amazon link but I'm feeling lazy.
posted by MiHail at 1:20 AM on November 14, 2005

Not even the Energizer Bunny could bring world peace with

Go! GO!
posted by Samizdata at 2:27 AM on November 14, 2005

(P.S. I am a sad,sad little man. That took WAY too much work.)
posted by Samizdata at 2:29 AM on November 14, 2005

The thread keeps on mushroomin'....
posted by JDC8 at 2:54 AM on November 14, 2005

No. Really. I want to know: have they cut funding for mycology classes?
posted by mmahaffie at 5:09 AM on November 14, 2005

mmahaffie writes "I want to know: have they cut funding for mycology classes?"

I'd say no as I doubt there has ever been much funding for mycology.
posted by Mitheral at 6:55 AM on November 14, 2005

*touches black shroom obelisk*
My God, its full of spores!
posted by jmccorm at 7:15 AM on November 14, 2005

I am merely dipping a handkerchief in Dillengers blood. This is so, fourty years from now, on my deathbead, I can press that same stained brownish rag into my grandchild's hand and say "I was there when those dirty rats gunned him down, america has never been the same again."
posted by Divine_Wino at 7:20 AM on November 14, 2005

"what's a funnel?"

Now, that's scary.

This thread has gone way past "greatest thread in the history of MetaFilter" to "greatest thread conceivable in this or any other universe, even ones where all sentient creatures have not had their brainpans scraped out and filled with iridescent goo." When humans have gone the way of the dinosaurs, voyagers from a distant galaxy will search through the rubble of our civilizations and choose this thread to represent Homo sapiens in the Great Hall of the Universe. I am proud to have taken part in some small way.

Oh, and I have a garden too. Well, actually my wife does all the gardening, but I eat the produce, and that should count for something. Plus I water it from time to time.

No mushrooms, though.
posted by languagehat at 7:41 AM on November 14, 2005

Each day that I wake and this thread is still going, it warms my heart a little. Even if loquacious continues his bid for Manifold Density. Iridescent Brainpan Burden, my ass.
posted by Frisbee Girl at 7:49 AM on November 14, 2005

i dare say that my forthcoming FPP on how this morning's cashier scanned a dairy item no less than twelve times across the laser reader before entering the code manually is going to rival this FPP in empathy and magnitude
posted by troybob at 8:01 AM on November 14, 2005

COLLABORATION BETWEEN DALO AND PHILIP JECK
posted by Falconetti at 8:03 AM on November 14, 2005

I had a dream, a beautiful dream, with mushrooms, and professiorial smurf cashiers, and world peace for all.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:03 AM on November 14, 2005

I know someone out here has his finger on the trigger, ready to pull for #600. For that reason, I put you one step closer to your lofty goal.

In other news, I have had mushrooms growing out of one of my tropical plant pots lately. How should I erradicate its fungal goodness?
posted by jmccorm at 8:06 AM on November 14, 2005

Spurred a fond memory of Cub Foods in lovely Peoria, Illinois, where EVERY TIME I bought an artichoke (fairly often; I've loved these things since I was little), whatever clerk I got had to ask me what it was.

The last time (after which I up and moved to Connecticut, where they KNOWS their vegetables!), I got a woman with no front teeth who looked at the artichoke, looked at me, and rasped, "This a rutabaga?"

I should have told her no, it's a portobello.
posted by dlugoczaj at 8:13 AM on November 14, 2005

600 woohoo!!!!
posted by troybob at 8:31 AM on November 14, 2005

see...it doesn't matter who actually gets it...it's who gets the thunder...</small

woohoo!
posted by troybob at 8:31 AM on November 14, 2005

oops > woohoo!
posted by troybob at 8:33 AM on November 14, 2005

You are pathetic.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:33 AM on November 14, 2005

It just doesn't die!
Who needs longboats when there's Vinland?
posted by klangklangston at 8:37 AM on November 14, 2005

I was here 11/14/2005. This is going to be historic.
posted by jeblis at 8:39 AM on November 14, 2005

600?
posted by terrapin at 8:40 AM on November 14, 2005

jeblis beat me to it :)
posted by terrapin at 8:40 AM on November 14, 2005

What's it going to take to be the last poster in this thread? How many pointless comments will it take? What's the minimum amount of content required for a post in a thread like this?

Personally, I think everyone has to answer that question for themselves.
posted by agropyron at 8:47 AM on November 14, 2005

it practically answers itself
posted by troybob at 8:48 AM on November 14, 2005

What's the minimum amount of content required for a post in a thread like this?

*belches, scratches ass*
posted by gompa at 8:52 AM on November 14, 2005

Wooo!! 600!!
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:54 AM on November 14, 2005

Er.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:55 AM on November 14, 2005

I'm just trying to help get to world peace. I've never had a grocery store person ask what the vegetable I was buying was. I guess I just eat boring vegetables. I like broccoli. And peas.
posted by dame at 9:03 AM on November 14, 2005

Seriously, though:

The pine mushroom boasts a flavour and sometimes a size far superior to the portobello. Pine mushrooms grow wild in the cedar forests of the mountainous interior of British Columbia, where they are harvested by local entrepreneurs for immediate air-freighting to Japan. The Japanese, who call the pine mushroom "matsutake," consider it to be among the finest of the world's fungi. Some locals in the Arrow Lakes region of the Kootenays can make as much as $1,000 a day gathering pine mushrooms during the short spring and autumn seasons. For more information on pine mushrooms, consult your local library.

If you will it, Dude, it is no dream.
posted by gompa at 9:04 AM on November 14, 2005

posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:04 AM on November 14, 2005

I was at the store yesterday and the cashier said to me: "Wanna box?" and I got all embarrassed and blushed and said "Thanks, but no. I'd rather wrestle."
posted by Floydd at 9:23 AM on November 14, 2005

In our unionized stores the cashiers are among the better-paid non-postsecondary positions. Even Loblaws is paying circa $10 to starting cashiers, and I believe experienced, good cashiers are making up to $15. Far from a professional wage, but not bad, either.

Hell, if I'm not mistaken, a couple of our large chains are unionized. They're getting bennies on top of the wage. - five fresh fish

Thanks, fff. I was just on my way to say something like that, but you beat me to it. Safeway, SuperStore, Extra Foods, and some Sobeys are unionized. The long time employees at Safeway have better wages and benefits than I do in my wear-a-suit-to-work government job.
posted by raedyn at 9:23 AM on November 14, 2005

posted by plexiwatt at 9:30 AM on November 14, 2005

I had a dream, a beautiful dream, with mushrooms, and professiorial smurf cashiers, and world peace for all.

And freed lobsters, man, and freed lobsters.

I saw a ginormous, really creepy looking fungus growing at the bottom of a tree on a recent hike. [I was the one hiking, not the tree and fungus thingy.]

I have no idea what it was though. Because before this thread, I actually wasn't even familiar with the word "mycology."

[Goes back to drooling.]
posted by NorthernLite at 9:46 AM on November 14, 2005

I feel strangely left out of this conversation. And not because I'm posting down on the bottom (top?) of the heap.
I'm allergic to mushrooms. Developed after adolescence, as I used to quite enjoy anything remotely mushroom related.
Then, one day, I was enjoying a rather tasty pork tenderloin with a mushroom sauce, and I felt my throat start to close off.
I saw an allergist, and sure enough I'm allergic to mushrooms.
So that's why I feel left out, and why I don't feel like I can comment in this thread.

On the other hand, I'm completly down for racing lobsters.
posted by fnord at 9:48 AM on November 14, 2005

i wonder why the atomic bomb people selected the mushroom as the shape of annihilation, and not, for instance, an colorful fireworks display or skull and crossbones or a porcupine, something more fitting...
posted by troybob at 9:56 AM on November 14, 2005

I once lived in this tiny decrepit cottage right after I left art school...I walked into my bathroom once and a mushroom had sprouted behind the toilet.

Ah, Sarasota, such memories.
posted by konolia at 10:12 AM on November 14, 2005

did you save it? japan might buy it...
posted by troybob at 10:14 AM on November 14, 2005

It would be unwise to have your artichoke rung through as a portobello mushroom. It would be far better to have your mushroom rung through as a banana.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:36 AM on November 14, 2005

A week or two ago, I bought cheapo tomatoes for cooking (the usually nice hot house and romas both looked like shit) but the clerk rang them in as red peppers. The red peppers are about 3 times the price of the cheapo tomatoes. When at home, I realized the mistake and was mildly disappointed, but I didn't bother making a trip back to the mega-mart for my measly $6. Sure, I'd rather be charged the correct amount and I don't like to donate extra money to the big blood sucking corporation that sold me the produce. But I decided that my time and my stress-level are more valuable than the $6.
posted by raedyn at 10:49 AM on November 14, 2005

posted by If I Had An Anus at 11:12 AM on November 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

Aww, remember when Britney was just jailbait and not married to Cletus? That was awesome.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 11:30 AM on November 14, 2005

After some enhanced interrogation techniques, any shop clerk should be able to identify most of the common varieties of edible fungii.

I must go before I yield to my photoshop urge
posted by CynicalKnight at 11:41 AM on November 14, 2005

posted by jeblis at 11:48 AM on November 14, 2005

Have we achieved world peace yet?
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:51 AM on November 14, 2005

No cavities!

Thanks, Dr. Bower :)
posted by AwkwardPause at 11:55 AM on November 14, 2005

September 21 – Lesson 2 "You where planned for God's pleasure" @ 9:30 in SHroom.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 12:21 PM on November 14, 2005

Have some whirled peas, TwelveTwo.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:23 PM on November 14, 2005

I'd say no as I doubt there has ever been much funding for mycology.

I took a class in edible weeds in college and the first day several students demanded to know when we would get to shrooms.

I had no idea what they were talking about.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 12:30 PM on November 14, 2005

now all those emails i get touting the benefits of small caps make much more sense...i had no idea i was on a mushroom mailing list...
posted by troybob at 12:56 PM on November 14, 2005

nonmerci, you're absolutely right. I listened to it today, and it is The Porto Bello. Except it sounded like Porto Belly . . .
posted by Kirth Gerson at 1:35 PM on November 14, 2005

Fungus Jeopardy
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:46 PM on November 14, 2005

What I would like, and understand, this is just me, and I would never, never try and impose my own wishes regarding this matter onto anyone else, is a nice cup of Mexican hot chocolate. That or a note from Nicole Kidman telling me that I'm the one she's always loved.
posted by OmieWise at 1:49 PM on November 14, 2005

agropyron writes "What's it going to take to be the last poster in this thread? How many pointless comments will it take? What's the minimum amount of content required for a post in a thread like this?"

The minimum is no more than a single character.

More importantly is the thirty day time out triggered by midnight local server time or the time the FPP was originally posted.
posted by Mitheral at 2:11 PM on November 14, 2005

It's triggered by the time the FPP was orginally posted.

Don't ask me how I know.

There is no cabal.
posted by raedyn at 2:19 PM on November 14, 2005

posted by stirfry at 2:42 PM on November 14, 2005

"The universe emerged from an enormously dense and hot state about 13.7 billion years ago" -
The Big Bang Theory has recently been re-created in digital form.

Learn about...
- the Horizon Problem ("information cannot travel faster than light")
- the Flatness Problem ("The resolution to this problem is again offered by inflationary theory.")
- Dark Matter ("up to 90% of the matter in the universe is not normal")
- Magnetic Monopoles ("a density much higher than was consistent with observations")
- Baryon Asymmetry ("It is not yet understood why the universe has more matter than antimatter")
...and of course, m u s h r o o m s.

Oh, sorry...i thought this was the front page. Carry on...
posted by Jaybo at 3:18 PM on November 14, 2005

posted by ArsncHeart at 3:37 PM on November 14, 2005

Wouldn't it be more reasonably to say that 90% of matter is ordinary, while 10% is the not normal?
posted by TwelveTwo at 3:56 PM on November 14, 2005

Please don't give up on me, cried this thread de profungus.
posted by Falconetti at 5:30 PM on November 14, 2005

Three is my lucky number. [Yes, yes, we already know whatever joke you're going to make about that.]
So I must post at least three times before this thread gets silly or pointless or something.
Or I could just end the whole thread by ...
posted by NorthernLite at 5:52 PM on November 14, 2005

What's it going to take to be the last poster in this thread? ...

The minimum is no more than a single character.

.
posted by NorthernLite at 5:55 PM on November 14, 2005

before this thread gets silly or pointless or something.

Gets?
posted by Gator at 6:30 PM on November 14, 2005

*gasp*

PHONONS!

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Damn your zero spin hides to Hades.
posted by gramschmidt at 7:23 PM on November 14, 2005

Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby
Donald Barthelme

Some of us had been threatening our friend Colby for a long time, because of the way that he had been behaving. And now he'd gone too far, so we decided to hang him. Colby argued that just because he had gone too far (he did not deny that he had gone too far) did not mean that he should be subjected to hanging. Going too far, he said, was something everybody did sometimes. We didn't pay much attention to this argument. We asked him what sort of music he would like played at the hanging. He said he'd think about it but it would take him a while to decide. I pointed out that we'd have to know soon, because Howard, who is a conductor, would have to hire and rehearse the musicians and he couldn't begin until he knew what the music was going to be. Colby said he'd always been fond of Ives' Fourth Symphony. Howard said that this was a "delaying tactic" and that everybody knew that the Ives was almost impossible to perform and would involve weeks of rehearsal, and that the size of the orchestra and chorus would put us way over the music budget. "Be reasonable," he said to Colby. Colby said he'd try to think of something a little less exacting.

Hugh was worried about the wording of the invitations. What if one of them fell into the hands of the authorities? Hanging Colby was doubtless against the law, and if the authorities learned in advance what the plan was they would very likely come in and try to mess everything up. I said that although hanging Colby was almost certainly against the law, we had a perfect *moral* right to do so because he was *our* friend, *belonged* to us in various important senses, and he had after all gone too far. We agreed that the invitations would be worded in such a way that the person invited could not know for sure what he was being invited to. We decided to refer to the event as "An Event Involving Mr. Colby Williams." A handsome script was selected from a catalogue and we picked a cream-colored paper. Magnus said he'd see to having the invitations printed, and wondered whether we should serve drinks. Colby said he thought drinks would be nice but was worried about the expense. We told him kindly that the expense didn't matter, that we were after all his dear friends and if a group of his dear friends couldn't get together and do the thing with a little bit of *eclat*, why, what was the world coming to? Colby asked if he would be able to have drinks, too, before the event. We said, "Certainly."

The next item of business was the gibbet. None of us knew too much about gibbet design, but Tomas, who is an architect, said he'd look it up in old books and draw the plans. The important thing, as far as he recollected, was that the trapdoor function perfectly. He said that just roughly, counting labor and materials, it shouldn't run us more than four hundred dollars. "Good God!" Howard said. He said what was Tomas figuring on, rosewood? No, just a good grade of pine, Tomas said. Victor asked if unpainted pine wouldn't look kind of "raw", and Tomas replied that he thought it could be stained a dark walnut without too much trouble.

I said that although I thought the whole thing ought to be done really well, and all, I also thought four hundred dollars for a gibbet, on top of the expense for the drinks, invitations, musicians and everything, was a bit steep, and why didn't we just use a tree -- a nice-looking oak, or something? I pointed out that since it was going to be a June hanging the trees would be in glorious leaf and that not only would a tree add a kind of "natural" feeling but it was also strictly traditional, especially in the West. Tomas, who had been sketching gibbets on the backs of envelopes, reminded us that an outdoor hanging always had to contend with the threat of rain. Victor said he liked the idea of doing it outdoors, possibly on the bank of a river, but noted that we would have to hold it some distance from the city, which presented the problem of getting the guests, musicians, etc., to the site and then back to town.

At this point everybody looked at Harry, who runs a car-and-truck-rental business. Harry said he thought he could round up enough limousines to take care of that end but that the drivers would have be paid. The drivers, he pointed out, wouldn't be friends of Colby's and couldn't be expected to donate their services, any more than the bartender or the musicians. He said that he had about ten limousines, which he used mostly for funerals, and that he could probably obtain another dozen by calling around to friends of his in the trade. He said also that if we did it outside, in the open air, we'd better figure on a tent or awning of some kind to cover at least the principals and the
orchestra, because if the hanging was being rained on he thought it would look kind of dismal. As between gibbet and tree, he said, he had no particular preferences, and he really thought that the choice ought to be left up to Colby, since it was his hanging. Colby said that everybody went too far, sometimes, and weren't we being a little Draconian. Howard said rather sharply that all that had already been discussed, and which did he want, gibbet or tree? Colby asked if he could have a firing squad. No, Howard said, he could not. Howard said a firing squad would just be an ego trip for Colby, the blindfold and last-cigarette bit, and that Colby was in enough hot water already without trying to "upstage" everyone with unnecessary theatrics. Colby said he was sorry, he hadn't meant it that way, he'd take the tree. Tomas crumpled up the gibbet sketches he'd been making, in disgust.

Then the question of the hangman came up. Paul said did we really need a hangman? Because if we used a tree, the noose could be adjusted to the appropriate level and Colby could just jump off something -- a chair or stool or something. Besides, Paul said, he very much doubted if there were any free-lance hangmen wandering around the country, now that capital punishment has been done away with absolutely, temporarily, and that we'd probably have to fly one in from England or Spain or one of the South American countries, and even if we did that how could we know in advance that the man was a professional, a real hangman, and not just some money-hungry amateur who might bungle the job and shame us all, in front of everybody? We all agreed then that Colby should just jump off something and that a chair was not what he should jump off of, because that would look, we felt, extremely tacky -- some old kitchen chair sitting out there under our beautiful tree. Tomas, who is quite modern in outlook and not afraid of innovation, proposed that Colby be standing on a large round rubber ball ten feet in diameter. This, he said, would afford a sufficient "drop" and would also roll out of the way if Colby suddenly changed his mind after jumping off. He reminded us that by not using a regular hangman we were placing an awful lot of the responsibility for the success of the affair on Colby himself, and that although he was sure Colby would perform creditably and not disgrace his friends at the last minute, still, men have been known to get a little irresolute at times like that, and the ten-foot-round rubber ball, which could probably be fabricated rather cheaply, would insure a "bang-up" production right down to the wire.

At the mention of "wire," Hank, who had been silent all this time, suddenly spoke up and said he wondered if it wouldn't be better if we used wire instead of rope -- more efficient and in the end kinder to Colby, he suggested. Colby began looking a little green, and I didn't blame him, because there is something extremely distasteful in thinking about being hanged with wire instead of rope -- it gives you sort of a revulsion, when you think about it. I thought it was really quite unpleasant of Hank to be sitting there talking about wire, just when we had solved the problem of what Colby was going to jump off of so neatly, with Tomas's idea about the rubber ball, so I hastily said that wire was out of the question, because it would injure the tree -- cut into the branch it was tied to when Colby's full weight hit it -- and that in these days of increased respect for the environment, we didn't want that, did we? Colby gave me a gratefullook, and the meeting broke up.

Everything went off very smoothly on the day of the event (the music Colby finally picked was standard stuff, Elgar, and it was played very well by Howard and his boys). It didn't rain, the event was well-attended, and we didn't run out of Scotch, or anything. The ten-foot rubber ball had been painted a deep green and blended in well with the bucolic setting. The two things I remember best about the whole episode are the grateful look Colby gave me when I said what I said about the wire, and the fact that nobody has ever gone too far again.
posted by agropyron at 7:43 PM on November 14, 2005 [5 favorites]

posted by wakko at 8:22 PM on November 14, 2005

Just as I thought, mushroom overdose. Somebody get that dog a doctor!
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:41 PM on November 14, 2005

posted by pyramid termite at 8:50 PM on November 14, 2005

*clears throat*
posted by S.C. at 9:17 PM on November 14, 2005

posted by kosem at 9:39 PM on November 14, 2005

my contribution to world peace...
posted by Eirixon at 2:24 AM on November 15, 2005

Still waiting on that hot chocolate.
posted by OmieWise at 7:06 AM on November 15, 2005

I used to have a yellow lab named Truffles. Yep, after the mushroom. She was the best.
posted by MsVader at 7:59 AM on November 15, 2005

posted by OmieWise at 8:38 AM on November 15, 2005

I never smoke without my stole either.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:14 AM on November 15, 2005

I didn't know the longboat had a minister on board.
posted by raedyn at 9:21 AM on November 15, 2005

Yeah, I man the rudder with my board.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:24 AM on November 15, 2005

Hey, I killed the killer mushroom thread! That must make me, I dunno, something.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 1:09 PM on November 15, 2005

It might be you. Or it might be the previously mentioned raedyn-thread-killing-syndrom.
posted by raedyn at 1:15 PM on November 15, 2005

Well, what it doesn't make you is perfervid, fecund shit, since, you know, that stuff makes mushrooms grow like crazy. So there's some consolation in that. You bastard.
posted by OmieWise at 1:18 PM on November 15, 2005

Yeah, I keep all that stuff bottled up inside.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 2:08 PM on November 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

*tags Omie's comment 'snob' for making me look up perfervid*
posted by If I Had An Anus at 2:09 PM on November 15, 2005

Only ~~four~~three more until the comment of the beast.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 2:13 PM on November 15, 2005

Is
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:18 PM on November 15, 2005

this
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:18 PM on November 15, 2005

it?
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:18 PM on November 15, 2005

Nice! And now to smoke a cigarette in celebration.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:19 PM on November 15, 2005

So there's a man sitting on bench in Central Park, sobbing quietly. A passerby notices, sits down next to him and says "I'm sorry, sir. Why are you crying?"

The man sobs "I...my...my wife just passed away."

"Oh, that's terrible..."

"But that's not even it...this is the fourth wife of mine that died young."

"My God! How awful! What happened?"

"Well, my first wife died from eating poison mushrooms."

"How tragic and unsual. What about the second?"

"She also died from eating poison mushrooms"

"What are the odds! That is incredibly sad, and terribly strange. And your third wife?"

"[Sob] I'm afraid that my third wife also died from eating poison mushrooms."

"Unbelievable! This is the craziest and most awful thing I've ever heard. And how did this last wife die?"

"She was brutally murdered."

"Oh my goodness! How? Why?"

"She wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms."
posted by kosem at 2:20 PM on November 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

I don't like to donate extra money to the big blood sucking corporation that sold me the produce.

So why shop there in the first place?
posted by mrgrimm at 3:11 PM on November 15, 2005

posted by maryh at 3:17 PM on November 15, 2005

can we still post on this post?

careful, if it gets too big they'll make a book out of it.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 3:18 PM on November 15, 2005

Book hell, they're already working on the movie.
posted by languagehat at 3:30 PM on November 15, 2005

The guys in marketing think it'd work best as a trilogy.
posted by TwelveTwo at 3:42 PM on November 15, 2005

I hear Ang Lee's signed on to direct the prequel.
posted by gompa at 4:09 PM on November 15, 2005

The toy line is to be designed by Todd McFarlane.
posted by TwelveTwo at 4:41 PM on November 15, 2005

It Came From The Depths of Oregon: 1600 Football Fields Wide, Thousands of Years Old, And Not Very Good To Eat, Apparently
posted by Sparx at 6:52 PM on November 15, 2005

http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/
posted by konolia at 7:51 PM on November 15, 2005

I've created a monster.
posted by MiHail at 8:11 PM on November 15, 2005

I've created a monster.
posted by MiHail at 8:13 PM on November 15, 2005

Damn! Now I've double posted somehow. Way to go.

However, it does look like Escher is getting into the act too.
So a double post is sorta appropriate.
posted by MiHail at 8:15 PM on November 15, 2005

It is ok, it lives on anyway. In our hearts.
posted by TwelveTwo at 12:34 AM on November 16, 2005

I run on beans... laser beans...
posted by klausness at 12:59 AM on November 16, 2005

MUSHROOMS ARE YUCKY.

Fungus freaks me out. I'm pretty sure it arrived on an asteroid and is plotting against us.
posted by wilberforce at 2:32 AM on November 16, 2005

This thread is going to look awful when all these hotlinks to images expire.

posted by agropyron at 8:36 AM on November 16, 2005 [2 favorites]

posted by agropyron at 8:44 AM on November 16, 2005

posted by agropyron at 8:45 AM on November 16, 2005

I can't believe nobody has linked to Doctor Fungus yet.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 10:18 AM on November 16, 2005

This thread is going to look awful when all these hotlinks to images expire.

I think it'll actually look better.
posted by Gator at 11:22 AM on November 16, 2005

we're closer to world peace all the time ... already, things should have died down to the level of insurrection ...
posted by pyramid termite at 11:25 AM on November 16, 2005

I can't be bothered to check, but someone must have linked to Quorn, right? If not, here it is.
posted by OmieWise at 1:00 PM on November 16, 2005

This thread is going to look awful when all these hotlinks to images expire.

Looks alright to me. And Greg Saunders. Only Greg Saunders doen't exist. That's what they tell me, anyway. But I don't believe them, do we, Greg? No no, we don't.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 1:27 PM on November 16, 2005

posted by agropyron at 1:33 PM on November 16, 2005

Wait, somehow this thread has to be Bush's fault.
posted by MetalDog at 1:44 PM on November 16, 2005

Bush took a job in 1971 at a company called Stratford in Houston. His job has been reported as involving: (1) flying planes to Florida to investigate plant nurseries, (2) flying to Guatemala, (3) doing something (I don't know what) with chicken manure fertilizer, (4) analyzing expansion possibilities for the chicken and egg business; (5) investigating the purchase of a mushroom farm in Pennsylvania, and (6) management training. Quite a diverse experience, I'd say.
posted by agropyron at 2:14 PM on November 16, 2005

I believe that we are now obligated to crash The November meeting of the Los Angeles Mycological Society , or at the very least, send a delegate.
posted by kosem at 3:03 PM on November 16, 2005

Judging by the last few images in this thread, mushrooms are for sitting on, not for eating. Except that last one - he's for eating. EATING YOU!
posted by ArsncHeart at 4:02 PM on November 16, 2005

My parents once had a party with a crustacean costume contest. We tried to race the dressed-up lobsters and crabs, but they didn't want to move. Maybe it was because they don't move so well on land. Maybe it was because the tiny sombreros and pearls affixed to their shells had killed their spirits. I guess we'll never know. What I do know, however, is this:

They were all delicious.
posted by jrossi4r at 4:13 PM on November 16, 2005

After reading the article, it could go either. The story is centered around two cops who survived the collapse, so that pins the story down without getting into politics.

But hearing Stone's quotes about the movie are just...creepy. It was like a flashback to an old college professor who's never done anything except teach and has no idea how the rest of the world works.

Ultimately, it may be TOO soon for this, to really do the film. The idea that politics should be left out if seems short-sighted, while the full range of ramifications are unknown (which would color our view of 9/11) while the leadup to why it happened doesn't seem widely accepted or understood.

For me, overrall, 9/11 is given way to much importance. The terrorists got really lucky, because America was really wasn't paying attention to them. To raise them and Osma to some grade level is more of success than the actual attack was.

Brandon Blatcher
posted by Colloquial Collision at 9:00 PM on November 16, 2005

Fersure, bro. Right on.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:54 PM on November 16, 2005

um, what?
posted by obloquy at 10:06 PM on November 16, 2005

To get back to the topic, there are stores that sell "baby portobello" mushrooms. Which would make them just plain button mushrooms, only more expensive.
posted by klausness at 10:06 PM on November 16, 2005

I love "baby portobellos" because they're so much cuter than the full grown ones. And since they're mushrooms, and I eat them, it keeps me from having to send them to the pound when they get older and less cute, like I have to do with all of the dogs that I only like when they're puppies.
posted by OmieWise at 9:27 AM on November 17, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus mushrooms. (NOT Amanitas)
posted by kosem at 10:02 AM on November 17, 2005

You know, I hear that puppies are pretty tasty, too (especially when served up with baby portobellos), so there's really no need to send them to the pound.
posted by klausness at 10:43 AM on November 17, 2005

Puppies with fresh-squeezed kitten is teh best.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:51 AM on November 17, 2005

posted by If I Had An Anus at 11:55 AM on November 17, 2005 [1 favorite]

source
posted by If I Had An Anus at 12:00 PM on November 17, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringin Agaricus and Beech mushrooms.
posted by kosem at 12:32 PM on November 17, 2005

Mushrooms last reelee long!
posted by TwelveTwo at 2:39 PM on November 17, 2005

If you're worried that the complicated process of growing your own mushrooms could "lose its romance", sling some hydrogen peroxide in the mix. "There's no need to build a sterile laboratory...or even construct a glove box". phew.
posted by Captain Najork at 4:28 PM on November 17, 2005

Only 710 posts?! MetaFilter is crapping out!

Pussies! Drop and give me 290, you wimpy nancy boys!
posted by librarina at 8:05 PM on November 17, 2005

I have a dim memory from the distant past of seeing someone's mushroom collection. There were trays full of dirt, kept on shelves in a dark room in the basement of a house. As I remember it, it was underground somewhere in Canada, with uninsulated walls, so I guess it was always a constant 5 degrees or so. About 45 degrees Fahrenheit maybe, nice and cool. I would've thought mushrooms would like it warmer than that. And it was dark. And humid. I'm not sure where the humidity came from. Perhaps one of the walls was just dirt, I'm not sure. It was like a perfect automatic climate-controlled chamber for mushroom growth. Each section of shelves had mushrooms at different stages of their life. Each tray was filled with mushrooms of about the same size. In my memory they had a certain haphazard random uniformity to them, a constant probability of there being a mushroom at any point within the tray. Little tiny white mushrooms poking up from what I assume was richly fertilized soil. Looking at the succession of trays was like a time-lapse experience of mushroom growth as they got larger, developed their cute little caps, and grew up to be big healthy mushrooms that were ready to eat.
posted by sfenders at 8:23 PM on November 17, 2005

Of course, I had no idea about the basics of mushroom cultivation.
posted by sfenders at 8:30 PM on November 17, 2005

Things just haven't been the same since MetaChat.
posted by warbaby at 3:20 AM on November 18, 2005

Just got a chance to check in...

Whew!

We still have a chance at teh wurld peas!
posted by Samizdata at 4:07 AM on November 18, 2005

posted by agropyron at 7:13 AM on November 18, 2005

Elfwad? I love that!
*scurries off to register new sock puppet*
posted by If I Had An Anus at 7:45 AM on November 18, 2005

Spent Mushroom Compost. That's my favorite new band name.
posted by OmieWise at 7:51 AM on November 18, 2005

Down on East Hastings, Vancouver, is a shop that sells magic mushroom kits.

It's always very tempting to purchase one, just for kicks.

The back corner of the store is turned over the an ethneobiologicals seller. She has everything from Blue Lotus to Salvia. Very, very tempting, but I'm also pretty sure such things would be very bad for my brain.

I'd hate to break my brain.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:43 AM on November 18, 2005

Mushrooms + Mushrooms = ?
posted by panoptican at 10:49 AM on November 18, 2005

...a whole fuckin' bunch of 'em.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:55 AM on November 18, 2005

Mushrooms + Mushrooms = Elfwad!
posted by klausness at 11:00 AM on November 18, 2005

I'd hate to break my brain.

You seriously would. It hurts.
posted by agropyron at 5:32 PM on November 18, 2005

Mushroom plus Mushroom equals Mushesrooms
posted by Falconetti at 6:29 PM on November 18, 2005

Mushroom + Mushroom = badgerbadgersnake

still.
posted by ArsncHeart at 6:49 PM on November 18, 2005

I just want to be able to say "I was here," some day. I've missed so many blue events, ever since I became a convert to the green. But today I leave my mark.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:27 PM on November 18, 2005

skidmark, you mean.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:31 PM on November 18, 2005

Hey! There's a comment box at the end of this page! S'pose I'll use it.
posted by electric_counterpoint at 8:26 PM on November 18, 2005

There is a monster at the end of this book!!
posted by librarina at 9:11 PM on November 18, 2005

Who you calling elfwad, gnomespooge!?!
posted by jrossi4r at 9:12 PM on November 18, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by I Love Tacos at 10:06 PM on November 18, 2005

posted by I Love Tacos at 10:07 PM on November 18, 2005

does anyone post the reads down here?
posted by mayfly wake at 11:15 PM on November 18, 2005

yes. i read them first.
posted by jmccorm at 11:18 PM on November 18, 2005

Chernobyl
posted by dhartung at 11:20 PM on November 18, 2005

Pathetic. More than 700 postings, not even a half-dozen references to shiitakes, and hardly a groaner to be found. We should be able to reach 800 on bad puns alone.
posted by gompa at 11:27 PM on November 18, 2005

I would read the recipe for mushroom tacos if I Love Tacos would post it.
posted by Cranberry at 12:19 AM on November 19, 2005

Hey, does anybody remember that song from Mary Poppins about Portobello Road?

Okay.
posted by attercoppe at 12:31 AM on November 19, 2005

All these posts are so good, there isn't mush room for improvement.
posted by Rubber Soul at 2:35 AM on November 19, 2005

This is *so* beneath me.
posted by Jofus at 6:37 AM on November 19, 2005

Wow dhartung, I just spent half an hour staring at those photos. Has that been FPP'd yet? (If not I could do a broader one about ghost towns and include this.)
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:35 AM on November 19, 2005

posted by ArsncHeart at 8:42 AM on November 19, 2005

Who you calling elfwad, gnomespooge!?!

Who you calling gnomespooge, felch-hobbit?
posted by loquacious at 10:42 AM on November 19, 2005

What kind of room has no windows and no doors? A mushroom!

(What kind of room has no windows and one door? A porto-bello mushroom!)

Where do Alaskans keep their sled dogs? In a mushroom!
posted by attercoppe at 4:50 PM on November 19, 2005

Q: Why did the chicken cross the router?

A: Seven distinct eigenstates reflect gauge covariant symmetry.
posted by gramschmidt at 5:11 PM on November 19, 2005

Q: Why did the Fark-users throw the clock out the window.

A: She wanted unanimous corpuscle Davisson rockumentary.
posted by gramschmidt at 5:12 PM on November 19, 2005

Q: It is raining and Mike is not playing golf.

A: 54 in the shade who are you get away from my table
posted by gramschmidt at 5:13 PM on November 19, 2005

We've all heard those a million times.
posted by agropyron at 5:18 PM on November 19, 2005

Yes, gnfti.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:50 PM on November 19, 2005

posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:56 PM on November 19, 2005

^^^ 3/4 of 1K ^^^
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:57 PM on November 19, 2005

^^^ 3/4 of 1K ^^^ +1
posted by AwkwardPause at 11:47 PM on November 19, 2005

Hey, does anybody remember that song from Mary Poppins about Portobello Road?

No. But I do remember the one from Bedknobs and Broomsticks . :)

And it creeped me the fuck out when I was wee. I don't recall it from the movie, just from playing it on some random album of Disney songs I must have gotten as a birthday present. It was a dark, moody piece and somehow my little brain convinced itself that the song was being performed by a bunch of old Limey ghosts (for all I know, maybe that's what happens in the movie). I had to sleep with the blanket over my head for weeks.

Thanks for reminding me of that. Now I have to go drink and convince myself all over again that the ghosts can't hurt me.
posted by Opposite George at 7:30 AM on November 20, 2005

HELLO THREAD!
posted by socratic at 7:48 AM on November 20, 2005

Oh, but they can, George.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:29 AM on November 20, 2005

Personally, I was thinking doughboy platoon.
posted by dhartung at 10:35 AM on November 20, 2005

posted by If I Had An Anus at 7:50 PM on November 20, 2005

They look like little penises.
posted by OmieWise at 8:46 AM on November 21, 2005

Street where the riches of ages are stowed...
posted by fidelity at 12:30 PM on November 21, 2005

Who is Mushroom?
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 1:31 PM on November 21, 2005

So is this... it? Are the good times over? Are the fungi... finito?
posted by languagehat at 5:49 PM on November 21, 2005

The good times need not be over. But we really got to think about something else to talk about. I suggest any of these topics for further discussion.
posted by panoptican at 7:14 PM on November 21, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringin Agaricus, Beech, and Chanterelle mushrooms.
posted by kosem at 10:10 PM on November 21, 2005

Welcome back, thread! There just may be world peace, yet.
posted by monkey!knife!fight! at 12:31 AM on November 22, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agarics, Beech, Chanterelle, and Bleeding Agaricus mushrooms.
posted by librarina at 7:13 AM on November 22, 2005

And by "Bleeding Agaricus" I mean Dry Rot (?)

Alphabets are hard
More coffee for librarina.
posted by librarina at 7:19 AM on November 22, 2005

I suggest any of these topics for further discussion.

Okay, I'll bite. In a network of electrical resistors OHMS SUM OR siemens (siemenses?) do, depending on whether the resistors are in series or parallel.

I figure the glut of comments taking me to school on specifics will help push us closer to the next magic milestone!
posted by Opposite George at 8:50 AM on November 22, 2005

Speaking of resistors, you gotta be careful. I hear that if you get too close to them, you will be attacked by a HO MOSS RUM which is really just another name for a psychotic rabbit.
posted by panoptican at 1:44 PM on November 22, 2005

Also following panoptican's lead, I think there's ample room in this thread to discuss HUMOR MOSS before world peace is achieved.

For example, here's a joke about Kate Moss that's particularly funny - in a strange, absurd sort of way - for a non-Brit like me, inasmuch as I don't know who Jeremy Clarkson is or what exactly is meant by the phrase "Top Gear."

And here's a gag about peat moss that surpasses even the mighty Reader's Digest for milquetoasty lack of wit.
posted by gompa at 3:01 PM on November 22, 2005

A Bath and Body Works in Natick, MA, offers a job that fits MOMS HOURS.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:45 PM on November 22, 2005

But I'd rather talk about HO MOM USSR.

Milf!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:48 PM on November 22, 2005

Should I feed my werewolf fennel? I know that the conventional wisdom is no, of course not, but there's been some research lately that suggests otherwise.
posted by gramschmidt at 7:18 PM on November 22, 2005

Oh, moss rum. Horus' mom's mushrooms. Hmm, so sour.
posted by sfenders at 7:56 PM on November 22, 2005

Three cheers from Ireland. Amerika could learn a lot from them.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:50 AM on November 23, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chanatarelle, Dry Rot and Earth Ball mushrooms.
posted by kosem at 11:13 AM on November 23, 2005

Don't do it, kosem!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 8:28 PM on November 23, 2005

From the Gallery of the Absurd.
posted by jrossi4r at 8:33 AM on November 24, 2005

My what you learn on MetaFilter. I had earthball mushrooms growing under the birch trees in the yard of a previous house. No one could tell me what they were - and now kosem linked to a picture of them. Thanks kosem.
posted by Cranberry at 8:31 PM on November 24, 2005

What they are calling "earthball," I call "puffball." And as long as the puffballs are white inside (ie. haven't gone to spore), they're edible AFAIK. I've eaten them.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:06 PM on November 24, 2005

Some of FFF's responses in this MeFi thread are dangerously wrong. I understand that the Mushroom Thread is all fun and games, but when a poster asks an edibility question and then says that he has no intention of consulting a dietician, we're walking on dangerous ground in terms of the quality of the answers.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 10:37 AM on November 25, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving.
posted by agropyron at 2:25 PM on November 25, 2005

What? No posts? We need 1000!!!
posted by TwelveTwo at 1:28 AM on November 28, 2005

What? Where is everybody? Did everybody go off and eat earthball mushrooms?
posted by TwelveTwo at 1:36 AM on November 28, 2005

Hm. If so... by default, I'm the winner.
posted by TwelveTwo at 1:36 AM on November 28, 2005

Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of fungus.
The thrill of victory...and the agony of defeat.
The human drama growing on athletes' toes.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 7:52 AM on November 28, 2005

I'm sorry for bringing earthball mushrooms. They're really not the picnicing sort.

So where are we?

Agaricus, Beech, Chanterelle, Dry Rot, Earthball and False Morel mushrooms.
posted by kosem at 8:23 AM on November 28, 2005

How are you ever going to parboil in a picnic setting?
posted by TwelveTwo at 4:01 PM on November 28, 2005

How are you ever going to parboil in a picnic setting?

With my WhisperLite, of course. This is no cold fried chicken picnic. This is a mushroom cooking picnic. We'll parboil, sautee, sweat, fry and reduce. For starters.
posted by kosem at 5:28 PM on November 28, 2005

And for mains?
posted by chrismear at 5:33 PM on November 28, 2005

I would like to Broast the mushrooms for the mains, but I'm afraid it might be too involved. Suggestions?
posted by kosem at 6:06 PM on November 28, 2005

The other day I was at a Denny's ordering my italian chicken melt broasted and to my shock, the waiter had never heard of broasting. And no, he wasn't new...and to make matters worse the chef didn't know either.
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:01 PM on November 28, 2005

the waiter had never heard of broasting

!!

(I bet he wasn't much of a mycologist either.)
posted by kosem at 9:39 PM on November 28, 2005

Hi
posted by ab'd al'Hazred at 6:04 AM on November 29, 2005

I've never heard of broasting either. This must be some strange thing you Amerikans do.

[q: Have eaten lots of food in my lifetime, but mainly in the UK.]
posted by chrismear at 6:08 AM on November 29, 2005

surely you broast
posted by cortex at 6:11 AM on November 29, 2005

Jesus, is this still going?
posted by klangklangston at 10:32 AM on November 29, 2005

Certainly looks that way.
posted by chrismear at 10:39 AM on November 29, 2005

Dude, klangklangston was asking Jesus.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 10:42 AM on November 29, 2005

*sets up comment 800 for a brisk rogering*

Have at it, ladies.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 11:00 AM on November 29, 2005

200 more and we win!
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:51 AM on November 29, 2005

I'll pitch in the next 199 if each and every one of you promise to save 1000 for MiHail. Like cross your heart and hope to die and shit.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 12:16 PM on November 29, 2005

Jesus told me to tell you all that if you eat enough mushrooms, it will happen.
posted by sfenders at 12:40 PM on November 29, 2005

We're (well, I am) up to G.

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel and Garlic mushrooms. Broasted.
posted by kosem at 1:22 PM on November 29, 2005

Oh Jesus, you're doing the ABCs!? I'm such a dumb ass; I figured the pattern had something to do with surgeries undergone by Pamela Anderson.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 1:33 PM on November 29, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel, Garlic mushrooms, and some hypholoma ambiguum.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 3:06 PM on November 29, 2005

Wow, I didn't notice it was alphabetical. PRETTY SNEAKY!
posted by TwelveTwo at 3:38 PM on November 29, 2005

It's a bit chilly for a picnic, don't you think?
posted by agropyron at 5:04 PM on November 29, 2005

Have you seen kosem's WhisperLite?
posted by chrismear at 5:52 PM on November 29, 2005

badger
posted by 31d1 at 2:56 PM on November 30, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel, Garlic mushrooms, hypholoma ambiguum, and some inocybe rimoca mushrooms.
posted by Robot Johnny at 3:07 PM on November 30, 2005

Whose idea was it to bring everybody back over to this thread? They deserve a rogering.
posted by mystyk at 3:09 PM on November 30, 2005

sorry i was late
posted by sgt.serenity at 3:18 PM on November 30, 2005

mushroommushroommushroommushroomHITLER!
posted by slogger at 3:25 PM on November 30, 2005

where be the puffballs!
posted by lemur at 3:26 PM on November 30, 2005

Hands of Manos: I enjoy your handle very much. It is the handle I enjoy.

I agree with Jmmcorm.

I'd also like to add that this thread is the very reason why I may never attempt an FPP. Y'all can be a scary bunch.
posted by SassHat at 3:37 PM on November 30, 2005

HUNGARIAN MUSHROOM SOUP
from: rec.food.cooking

4 tb Butter, unsalted
2 cups Onion -- diced
2 lb Mushroom -- sliced
1-1/2 cups Sherry (cooking sherry is fine)
6 tb Butter, unsalted
6 tb Flour, all-purpose
4 cups Milk, whole (divided into 3 c and 1 c)
2 cups sour cream
1-1/2 tsp Paprika
1 tsp Salt
1 tsp Dill weed
1/2 tsp Pepper, black, ground

Saute the onions and mushrooms in the butter in a large saute pan until the onions are translucent. Add the wine and cook until the alcohol has boiled off, about 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and set aside.

In a 3 quart saucepan, over low heat, blend the flour and butter into a roux, stirring constantly for 4-5 minutes. Add 3 c milk, continue whisking, increase heat to medium. Cook until mixture thickens, whisking occasionally.

Whisk the mushroom/onion mixture into the milk mixture. Then add the sour cream and 1 c milk, and seasonings, simmer over low heat for 10 minutes or until flavors are blended.

Yield: 8 cups
posted by MrZero at 3:38 PM on November 30, 2005 [1 favorite]

*gurgle*
posted by Falconetti at 3:56 PM on November 30, 2005

What the...?

You're still here? The party was over days ago. Jesus, someone puked in the spider plants, there's cigarette burns in my couch and enough recyclables strewn about to fund a banana republic.

GET OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM YOU SODDEN FREAKS!
posted by loquacious at 4:02 PM on November 30, 2005

Well, I, for one, welcome our new mushroom overlords.
posted by SuperNova at 4:06 PM on November 30, 2005

I, for one, am going to give you a boot-flavored high colonic if you don't get the fuck out of my living room and off of my lawn.
posted by loquacious at 4:13 PM on November 30, 2005

The overlords will definitely have a problem with that kind of attitude.
posted by SuperNova at 4:19 PM on November 30, 2005

Did you really think I had forgotten about you, sweet mushroom thread?

Let me once again caress you gently.

All my love,
Roger Briskly
posted by killdevil at 4:29 PM on November 30, 2005

posting in a mush about threadrooms
posted by Emperor Yamamoto's Eggs at 4:31 PM on November 30, 2005

posted by BuddhaInABucket at 5:15 PM on November 30, 2005

Musical mushrooms.
posted by homunculus at 5:23 PM on November 30, 2005

Space mushrooms.
posted by homunculus at 5:25 PM on November 30, 2005

Also, I can't believe not one link to Steve's mushroom. Or the theft of said shroom.
posted by SassHat at 5:42 PM on November 30, 2005 [1 favorite]

I just wanted to say hi.
posted by rocketman at 5:49 PM on November 30, 2005

Hi, rocketman.
posted by Colloquial Collision at 5:53 PM on November 30, 2005

Christmas mushrooms.
posted by homunculus at 5:54 PM on November 30, 2005

Savior mushrooms.
posted by homunculus at 5:56 PM on November 30, 2005

I was trying to do my bit towards world (1000) peace. But maybe it isn't meant to be? How can one person do so much?

We can't all be heroes.
posted by SassHat at 6:06 PM on November 30, 2005

You can make interesting art prints at home in your spare time using Portabella mushrooms. Simply break off the stem and lay the cap, gill side down, on a piece of paper. Leave overnight. In the morning, remove the mushroom cap and behold the intricate design formed by the mushroom spores which have dropped out of the gills. Frame and give as a gift!
posted by Miko at 6:37 PM on November 30, 2005

ACCEPT MY MUSHROOMS
posted by Hlewagast at 6:49 PM on November 30, 2005

Are we at 1000 yet? I followed the link straight from metatalk.

Hanukkah Mushrooms
posted by kalimac at 7:46 PM on November 30, 2005

Oh, duh, 835. Just doin' my part... :)

I have new pajamas, with sledding frogs printed all over them. That is all.
posted by kalimac at 7:49 PM on November 30, 2005

Here's a story about a guy with worms. So this is what, 836?
posted by maryh at 8:08 PM on November 30, 2005

posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:58 PM on November 30, 2005

Just doing my part.
posted by jeblis at 9:14 PM on November 30, 2005

well, i'm going to post here again ... ha ha ha
posted by pyramid termite at 9:14 PM on November 30, 2005

My dad did horrible things.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:15 PM on November 30, 2005

Seriously though, the mushrooms at the Whole Foods in Columbus Circle are usually shitty. Sad, dry things.

I plan to make a Brussels sprout and tofu terrine, with a flakey shitake crust tomorrow. Likely this dish will be to the pleasure of no one but myself. Still I would prefer some mushrooms with some mettle. The things I bought tonight will basically have to be fried in large quantity to release their flavor.

So I smacked the checkout worker.
posted by eatitlive at 9:23 PM on November 30, 2005

hi everyone.
posted by shmegegge at 9:40 PM on November 30, 2005

posted by Jon-o at 9:49 PM on November 30, 2005

Just doing my part to help this thread along. Favorite kind of mushrooms, by the way, is the "shaggy beard". They're rare, they don't last long after you pick them, and they're wonderful sauteed in a bit of olive oil.
posted by wanderingmind at 9:56 PM on November 30, 2005

Let's hope this isn't the case.
posted by SassHat at 10:34 PM on November 30, 2005

Musrum by Eric Thacker and Anthony Earnshaw (1968)

"There was little excuse for the invention of the name MUSRUM. It was already known in sixteen principalities and native states."

Thacker's and Earnshaw's quirky, surreal, and very English fantasy introduces trickster hero Musrum with a barrage of gnomic aphorisms. "A torpedoed cathedral sinks rapidly into the earth." Likewise, "Sudden prayers make God jump." Bizarre lists abound.

A godlike eccentric, Musrum constructs his refuge (which is also the world) downward from the Attic, floor by floor to the Cellar. Musroid symbology is extensive and peculiar; the Giant Mushroom, heart of our man's power, is fatally coveted by the evil Weedking. The resulting pursuit leads to Russia, a plethora of wolves, a Musrum doppelganger called Palfreyman, and the Second Crimean War.

Besides its elegant, witty prose, Musrum is a graphic novel profusely illustrated by both authors, with many Escherian quirks. Musrum's iron castle has two linked sections, the Side Elevation and the Ground Plan. Vital strategies depend on a map revealing the Volga river to be circular. Skulls and crossbones recur. There are exhaustive diagrammatic inventories of war banners, final victory celebrations, and dressing tables (57 varieties).

Sample campaign tactic: "Exploiting the concept of gravity, Musrum designed and constructed a perpetual motion machine which was simply a four-wheeled bogie. He placed this casual device on a hill that sloped down forever."

This book's weird, one-off inventiveness made it impossible -- after Musrum's triumphant return to his kingdom of Intersol -- for there to be a sequel. The 1971 sequel is equally deranged, drastically reworks the story of that very bad man Father Christmas, and is called Wintersol.
posted by adamvasco at 12:09 AM on December 1, 2005

Good thing I read MeTa sometimes. This has been a fun read.. now where did my morning go?
posted by kudzu at 4:17 AM on December 1, 2005

I promised myself I wasn't going to post in this thread.

Oh damn.
posted by sveskemus at 6:22 AM on December 1, 2005

MetaFilter: K.I.T.D.F.O.H.S.
posted by grabbingsand at 6:22 AM on December 1, 2005

For Jon-o.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 6:48 AM on December 1, 2005

Does anyone remember that Ray Bradbury story about the evil mind-controlling mushrooms that come in a mail order-kit?
posted by unreason at 8:32 AM on December 1, 2005

Does anyone remember that Ray Bradbury story about the evil mind-controlling mushrooms that come in a mail order-kit?

This?
posted by kosem at 9:11 AM on December 1, 2005

I mean, this? Also, TV.
posted by kosem at 9:14 AM on December 1, 2005

From just below that Dangerous Vegetables entry:

"The Case of the Police Officer’s Cock Ring and The Piano Player Who Had No Fingers"

Come again?
posted by chrismear at 9:26 AM on December 1, 2005

That?
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:28 AM on December 1, 2005

Oddly enough I was in the grocery store the other week and I purchased some portabello mushrooms. The cashier who was checking me out had to ask another cashier what kind of mushrooms they were. Thankfully I read this thread beforehand and realized it would be imprudent to administer a brutal neck snapping as a result of her ignorance.
posted by cloeburner at 9:49 AM on December 1, 2005

Thankfully I read this thread beforehand and realized it would be imprudent to administer a brutal neck snapping as a result of her ignorance.

Of course. Proper procedure for MRF (Mushroom Recognition Failure) is to administer a severe flogging. With a mushroom.
posted by unreason at 10:14 AM on December 1, 2005

Last comment
posted by poppo at 12:16 PM on December 1, 2005

Last comment
posted by poppo at 3:16 PM EST on December 1 [!]

No it isn't!
posted by unreason at 12:44 PM on December 1, 2005

[via]
posted by If I Had An Anus at 1:12 PM on December 1, 2005

the real last comment.

suck it, trebek!
posted by lord_wolf at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2005

doh!
posted by thewittyname at 3:03 PM on December 1, 2005

the real last comment.

suck it, trebek!

Buck Futter.
posted by SassHat at 4:00 PM on December 1, 2005

Strange ... I've just got off the phone with the ex-girlfriend of a very dear friend of mine who recently committed suicide. I've never met her, never spoken with her before. We had a two and a half hour long conversation, filled with laughter and tears, exchanging anecdotes and lonely longing whispers. It was a much more heartfelt, honest, and emotionally raw discussion than I had been expecting. Good heavens, I miss him.

This comment is dedicated to Josh Loring. It's not really my type of music, but he really dug them.

Infected Mushroom
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 4:15 PM on December 1, 2005

It would rule if Matt closed the thread at 999. Matt? Please?
posted by The Monkey at 4:47 PM on December 1, 2005

Sorry to hear that, Mulp.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 6:03 PM on December 1, 2005

gahhh...that Mark Trail cartoon... it vibrates...

I'm so sorry.

must go lash myself now.
posted by nanojath at 9:13 PM on December 1, 2005

What's all this then?
posted by dwordle at 10:52 PM on December 1, 2005

.
posted by Colloquial Collision at 11:30 PM on December 1, 2005

Last comment
posted by poppo at 12:16 PM PST on December 1 [!]

No it isn't!
posted by unreason at 12:44 PM PST on December 1 [!]

the real last comment.

posted by lord_wolf at 1:34 PM PST on December 1 [!]

We're all winners in my book!
posted by poppo at 9:36 AM on December 2, 2005

*snags poppo's book, holds it over his head, taunts him*
posted by cortex at 9:59 AM on December 2, 2005

500 128 059060

(PLU code number thing for a dozen eggs in the Co-op I worked in 13 years ago. Bastards never scanned.)

Oh, am I late? Sorry guys, I drooled on the invitation and couldn't read it properly.

Wishing you peaceful napping, MiHail. And everyone else. I think we've all earned a little lie down.
posted by penguin pie at 11:57 AM on December 2, 2005

That's the dark secret being neglected: three weeks later, MiHail is still napping.
posted by cortex at 1:15 PM on December 2, 2005

Thanks, If I Had an Anus. He died a few months ago, it was just the first time I'd spoken with anyone he'd been hanging out with for the past few years. (Summary: we lived in same city, he moved away in one direction, then I moved away in another direction.)

This is another sentence, unrelated to the preceding paragraph.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 1:16 PM on December 2, 2005

A++++++++++++++++++++ WOULD POST IN CULT THREAD AGAIN
posted by kyleg at 3:23 PM on December 2, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agarics, Beech, Chanterelle, and Bleeding Agaricus mushrooms.

posted by librarina at 7:13 AM

PST
on November 22 [!]

And by "Bleeding Agaricus" I mean Dry Rot (?)

Alphabets are hard

More coffee for librarina.

posted by librarina at 7:19 AM
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on November 22 [!]

I suggest any of these topics for further discussion.

Okay, I'll bite. In a network of electrical resistors OHMS SUM OR siemens (siemenses?) do, depending on whether the resistors are in series or parallel.

I figure the glut of comments taking me to school on specifics will help push us closer to the next magic milestone!

posted by Opposite George at 8:50 AM

PST
on November 22 [!]

Speaking of resistors, you gotta be careful. I hear that if you get too close to them, you will be attacked by a HO MOSS RUM which is really just another name for a psychotic rabbit.

posted by panoptican at 1:44 PM

PST
on November 22 [!]

Also following panoptican's lead, I think there's ample room in this thread to discuss HUMOR MOSS before world peace is achieved.

For example, here's a joke about Kate Moss that's particularly funny - in a strange, absurd sort of way - for a non-Brit like me, inasmuch as I don't know who Jeremy Clarkson is or what exactly is meant by the phrase "Top Gear."

And here's a gag about peat moss that surpasses even the mighty Reader's Digest for milquetoasty lack of wit.

posted by gompa at 3:01 PM
PST
on November 22 [!]

A Bath and Body Works in Natick, MA, offers a job that fits MOMS HOURS.

posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:45 PM
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on November 22 [!]

But I'd rather talk about HO MOM USSR.

Milf!

posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:48 PM

PST
on November 22 [!]

Should I feed my werewolf fennel? I know that the conventional wisdom is no, of course not, but there's been some research lately that suggests otherwise.

posted by gramschmidt at 7:18 PM

PST
on November 22 [!]

Oh, moss rum. Horus' mom's mushrooms. Hmm, so sour.

posted by sfenders at 7:56 PM

PST
on November 22 [!]

Three cheers from Ireland. Amerika could learn a lot from them.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:50 AM

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on November 23 [!]

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chanatarelle, Dry Rot and Earth Ball mushrooms.

posted by kosem at 11:13 AM

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on November 23 [!]

Don't do it, kosem!

posted by The Great Big Mulp at 8:28 PM

PST
on November 23 [!]

From the Gallery of the Absurd.

posted by jrossi4r at 8:33 AM

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on November 24 [!]

My what you learn on MetaFilter. I had earthball mushrooms growing under the birch trees in the yard of a previous house. No one could tell me what they were - and now kosem linked to a picture of them. Thanks kosem.

posted by Cranberry at 8:31 PM

PST
on November 24 [!]

What they are calling "earthball," I call "puffball." And as long as the puffballs are white inside (ie. haven't gone to spore), they're edible AFAIK. I've eaten them.

posted by five fresh fish at 10:06 PM
PST
on November 24 [!]

Some of FFF's responses in this MeFi thread are dangerously wrong. I understand that the Mushroom Thread is all fun and games, but when a poster asks an edibility question and then says that he has no intention of consulting a dietician, we're walking on dangerous ground in terms of the quality of the answers.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 10:37 AM
PST
on November 25 [!]

Happy Thanksgiving.

posted by agropyron at 2:25 PM
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on November 25 [!]

What? No posts? We need 1000!!!

posted by TwelveTwo at 1:28 AM
PST
on November 28 [!]

What? Where is everybody? Did everybody go off and eat earthball mushrooms?

posted by TwelveTwo at 1:36 AM
PST
on November 28 [!]

Hm. If so... by default, I'm the winner.

posted by TwelveTwo at 1:36 AM
PST
on November 28 [!]

Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of fungus.

The thrill of victory...and the agony of defeat.

The human drama growing on athletes' toes.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 7:52 AM
PST
on November 28 [!]

I'm sorry for bringing earthball mushrooms. They're really not the picnicing sort.

So where are we?

Agaricus, Beech, Chanterelle, Dry Rot, Earthball and False Morel mushrooms.

posted by kosem at 8:23 AM

PST
on November 28 [!]

How are you ever going to parboil in a picnic setting?

posted by TwelveTwo at 4:01 PM

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on November 28 [!]

How are you ever going to parboil in a picnic setting?

With my WhisperLite, of course. This is no cold fried chicken picnic. This is a mushroom cooking picnic. We'll parboil, sautee, sweat, fry and reduce. For starters.

posted by kosem at 5:28 PM

PST
on November 28 [!]

And for mains?

posted by chrismear at 5:33 PM

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on November 28 [!]

I would like to Broast the mushrooms for the mains, but I'm afraid it might be too involved. Suggestions?

posted by kosem at 6:06 PM

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on November 28 [!]

The other day I was at a Denny's ordering my italian chicken melt broasted and to my shock, the waiter had never heard of broasting. And no, he wasn't new...and to make matters worse the chef didn't know either.

posted by TwelveTwo at 9:01 PM

PST
on November 28 [!]

the waiter had never heard of broasting

!!

(I bet he wasn't much of a mycologist either.)

posted by kosem at 9:39 PM
PST
on November 28 [!]

Hi

posted by ab'd al'Hazred at 6:04 AM
PST
on November 29 [!]

I've never heard of broasting either. This must be some strange thing you Amerikans do.

[q: Have eaten lots of food in my lifetime, but mainly in the UK.]

posted by chrismear at 6:08 AM
PST
on November 29 [!]

surely you broast

posted by cortex at 6:11 AM
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on November 29 [!]

Jesus, is this still going?

posted by klangklangston at 10:32 AM
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on November 29 [!]

Certainly looks that way.

posted by chrismear at 10:39 AM
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on November 29 [!]

Dude, klangklangston was asking Jesus.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 10:42 AM
PST
on November 29 [!]

*sets up comment 800 for a brisk rogering*

Have at it, ladies.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 11:00 AM
PST
on November 29 [!]

200 more and we win!

posted by TwelveTwo at 11:51 AM
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on November 29 [!]

I'll pitch in the next 199 if each and every one of you promise to save 1000 for MiHail. Like cross your heart and hope to die and shit.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 12:16 PM
PST
on November 29 [!]

Jesus told me to tell you all that if you eat enough mushrooms, it will happen.

posted by sfenders at 12:40 PM
PST
on November 29 [!]

We're (well, I am) up to G.

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel and Garlic mushrooms. Broasted.

posted by kosem at 1:22 PM

PST
on November 29 [!]

Oh Jesus, you're doing the ABCs!? I'm such a dumb ass; I figured the pattern had something to do with surgeries undergone by Pamela Anderson.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 1:33 PM

PST
on November 29 [!]

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel, Garlic mushrooms, and some hypholoma ambiguum.

posted by The Great Big Mulp at 3:06 PM

PST
on November 29 [!]

Wow, I didn't notice it was alphabetical. PRETTY SNEAKY!

posted by TwelveTwo at 3:38 PM

PST
on November 29 [!]

It's a bit chilly for a picnic, don't you think?

posted by agropyron at 5:04 PM

PST
on November 29 [!]

Have you seen kosem's WhisperLite?

posted by chrismear at 5:52 PM

PST
on November 29 [!]

badger

posted by 31d1 at 2:56 PM

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on November 30 [!]

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel, Garlic mushrooms, hypholoma ambiguum, and some inocybe rimoca mushrooms.

posted by Robot Johnny at 3:07 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Whose idea was it to bring everybody back over to this thread? They deserve a rogering.

posted by mystyk at 3:09 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

sorry i was late

posted by sgt.serenity at 3:18 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

mushroommushroommushroommushroomHITLER!

posted by slogger at 3:25 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

where be the puffballs!

posted by lemur at 3:26 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Hands of Manos: I enjoy your handle very much. It is the handle I enjoy.

I agree with Jmmcorm.

I'd also like to add that this thread is the very reason why I may never attempt an FPP. Y'all can be a scary bunch.

posted by SassHat at 3:37 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

HUNGARIAN MUSHROOM SOUP

from: rec.food.cooking

4 tb Butter, unsalted

2 cups Onion -- diced

2 lb Mushroom -- sliced

1-1/2 cups Sherry (cooking sherry is fine)

6 tb Butter, unsalted

6 tb Flour, all-purpose

4 cups Milk, whole (divided into 3 c and 1 c)

2 cups sour cream

1-1/2 tsp Paprika

1 tsp Salt

1 tsp Dill weed

1/2 tsp Pepper, black, ground

Saute the onions and mushrooms in the butter in a large saute pan until the onions are translucent. Add the wine and cook until the alcohol has boiled off, about 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and set aside.

In a 3 quart saucepan, over low heat, blend the flour and butter into a roux, stirring constantly for 4-5 minutes. Add 3 c milk, continue whisking, increase heat to medium. Cook until mixture thickens, whisking occasionally.

Whisk the mushroom/onion mixture into the milk mixture. Then add the sour cream and 1 c milk, and seasonings, simmer over low heat for 10 minutes or until flavors are blended.

Yield: 8 cups

posted by MrZero at 3:38 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

*gurgle*

posted by Falconetti at 3:56 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

What the...?

You're still here? The party was over days ago. Jesus, someone puked in the spider plants, there's cigarette burns in my couch and enough recyclables strewn about to fund a banana republic.

GET OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM YOU SODDEN FREAKS!

posted by loquacious at 4:02 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Well, I, for one, welcome our new mushroom overlords.

posted by SuperNova at 4:06 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

I, for one, am going to give you a boot-flavored high colonic if you don't get the fuck out of my living room and off of my lawn.

posted by loquacious at 4:13 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

The overlords will definitely have a problem with that kind of attitude.

posted by SuperNova at 4:19 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Did you really think I had forgotten about you, sweet mushroom thread?

Let me once again caress you gently.

All my love,

Roger Briskly

posted by killdevil at 4:29 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

posting in a mush about threadrooms

posted by Emperor Yamamoto's Eggs at 4:31 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

posted by BuddhaInABucket at 5:15 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Musical mushrooms.

posted by homunculus at 5:23 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Space mushrooms.

posted by homunculus at 5:25 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Also, I can't believe not one link to Steve's mushroom. Or the theft of said shroom.

posted by SassHat at 5:42 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

I just wanted to say hi.

posted by rocketman at 5:49 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Hi, rocketman.

posted by Colloquial Collision at 5:53 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Christmas mushrooms.

posted by homunculus at 5:54 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Savior mushrooms.

posted by homunculus at 5:56 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

I was trying to do my bit towards world (1000) peace. But maybe it isn't meant to be? How can one person do so much?

We can't all be heroes.

posted by SassHat at 6:06 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

You can make interesting art prints at home in your spare time using Portabella mushrooms. Simply break off the stem and lay the cap, gill side down, on a piece of paper. Leave overnight. In the morning, remove the mushroom cap and behold the intricate design formed by the mushroom spores which have dropped out of the gills. Frame and give as a gift!

posted by Miko at 6:37 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

ACCEPT MY MUSHROOMS

posted by Hlewagast at 6:49 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Are we at 1000 yet? I followed the link straight from metatalk.

Hanukkah Mushrooms

posted by kalimac at 7:46 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Oh, duh, 835. Just doin' my part... :)

I have new pajamas, with sledding frogs printed all over them. That is all.

posted by kalimac at 7:49 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Here's a story about a guy with worms. So this is what, 836?

posted by maryh at 8:08 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:58 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Just doing my part.

posted by jeblis at 9:14 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

well, i'm going to post here again ... ha ha ha

posted by pyramid termite at 9:14 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

My dad did horrible things.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:15 PM

PST
on November 30 [!]

Seriously though, the mushrooms at the Whole Foods in Columbus Circle are usually shitty. Sad, dry things.

I plan to make a Brussels sprout and tofu terrine, with a flakey shitake crust tomorrow. Likely this dish will be to the pleasure of no one but myself. Still I would prefer some mushrooms with some mettle. The things I bought tonight will basically have to be fried in large quantity to release their flavor.

So I smacked the checkout worker.

posted by eatitlive at 9:23 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

hi everyone.

posted by shmegegge at 9:40 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

posted by Jon-o at 9:49 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Just doing my part to help this thread along. Favorite kind of mushrooms, by the way, is the "shaggy beard". They're rare, they don't last long after you pick them, and they're wonderful sauteed in a bit of olive oil.

posted by wanderingmind at 9:56 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Let's hope this isn't the case.

posted by SassHat at 10:34 PM
PST
on November 30 [!]

Musrum by Eric Thacker and Anthony Earnshaw (1968)

"There was little excuse for the invention of the name MUSRUM. It was already known in sixteen principalities and native states."

Thacker's and Earnshaw's quirky, surreal, and very English fantasy introduces trickster hero Musrum with a barrage of gnomic aphorisms. "A torpedoed cathedral sinks rapidly into the earth." Likewise, "Sudden prayers make God jump." Bizarre lists abound.

A godlike eccentric, Musrum constructs his refuge (which is also the world) downward from the Attic, floor by floor to the Cellar. Musroid symbology is extensive and peculiar; the Giant Mushroom, heart of our man's power, is fatally coveted by the evil Weedking. The resulting pursuit leads to Russia, a plethora of wolves, a Musrum doppelganger called Palfreyman, and the Second Crimean War.

Besides its elegant, witty prose, Musrum is a graphic novel profusely illustrated by both authors, with many Escherian quirks. Musrum's iron castle has two linked sections, the Side Elevation and the Ground Plan. Vital strategies depend on a map revealing the Volga river to be circular. Skulls and crossbones recur. There are exhaustive diagrammatic inventories of war banners, final victory celebrations, and dressing tables (57 varieties).

Sample campaign tactic: "Exploiting the concept of gravity, Musrum designed and constructed a perpetual motion machine which was simply a four-wheeled bogie. He placed this casual device on a hill that sloped down forever."

This book's weird, one-off inventiveness made it impossible -- after Musrum's triumphant return to his kingdom of Intersol -- for there to be a sequel. The 1971 sequel is equally deranged, drastically reworks the story of that very bad man Father Christmas, and is called Wintersol.

posted by adamvasco at 12:09 AM

PST
on December 1 [!]

Good thing I read MeTa sometimes. This has been a fun read.. now where did my morning go?

posted by kudzu at 4:17 AM

PST
on December 1 [!]

I promised myself I wasn't going to post in this thread.

Oh damn.

posted by sveskemus at 6:22 AM

PST
on December 1 [!]

MetaFilter: K.I.T.D.F.O.H.S.

posted by grabbingsand at 6:22 AM

PST
on December 1 [!]

For Jon-o.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 6:48 AM

PST
on December 1 [!]

Does anyone remember that Ray Bradbury story about the evil mind-controlling mushrooms that come in a mail order-kit?

posted by unreason at 8:32 AM

PST
on December 1 [!]

Does anyone remember that Ray Bradbury story about the evil mind-controlling mushrooms that come in a mail order-kit?

This?

posted by kosem at 9:11 AM

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on December 1 [!]

I mean, this? Also, TV.

posted by kosem at 9:14 AM

PST
on December 1 [!]

From just below that Dangerous Vegetables entry:

"The Case of the Police Officer’s Cock Ring and The Piano Player Who Had No Fingers"

Come again?

posted by chrismear at 9:26 AM
PST
on December 1 [!]

That?

posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:28 AM
PST
on December 1 [!]

Oddly enough I was in the grocery store the other week and I purchased some portabello mushrooms. The cashier who was checking me out had to ask another cashier what kind of mushrooms they were. Thankfully I read this thread beforehand and realized it would be imprudent to administer a brutal neck snapping as a result of her ignorance.

posted by cloeburner at 9:49 AM
PST
on December 1 [!]

Thankfully I read this thread beforehand and realized it would be imprudent to administer a brutal neck snapping as a result of her ignorance.

Of course. Proper procedure for MRF (Mushroom Recognition Failure) is to administer a severe flogging. With a mushroom.

posted by unreason at 10:14 AM
PST
on December 1 [!]

Last comment

posted by poppo at 12:16 PM
PST
on December 1 [!]

Last comment

posted by poppo at 3:16 PM EST on December 1 [!]

No it isn't!

posted by unreason at 12:44 PM

PST
on December 1 [!]

[via]

posted by If I Had An Anus at 1:12 PM

PST
on December 1 [!]

the real last comment.

suck it, trebek!

posted by lord_wolf at 1:34 PM
PST
on December 1 [!]

doh!

posted by thewittyname at 3:03 PM
PST
on December 1 [!]

the real last comment.

suck it, trebek!

Buck Futter.

posted by SassHat at 4:00 PM
PST
on December 1 [!]

Strange ... I've just got off the phone with the ex-girlfriend of a very dear friend of mine who recently committed suicide. I've never met her, never spoken with her before. We had a two and a half hour long conversation, filled with laughter and tears, exchanging anecdotes and lonely longing whispers. It was a much more heartfelt, honest, and emotionally raw discussion than I had been expecting. Good heavens, I miss him.

This comment is dedicated to Josh Loring. It's not really my type of music, but he really dug them.

Infected Mushroom

posted by The Great Big Mulp at 4:15 PM

PST
on December 1 [!]

It would rule if Matt closed the thread at 999. Matt? Please?

posted by The Monkey at 4:47 PM

PST
on December 1 [!]

Sorry to hear that, Mulp.

posted by If I Had An Anus at 6:03 PM

PST
on December 1 [!]

gahhh...that Mark Trail cartoon... it vibrates...

I'm so sorry.

must go lash myself now.

posted by nanojath at 9:13 PM
PST
on December 1 [!]

What's all this then?

posted by dwordle at 10:52 PM
PST
on December 1 [!]

.

posted by Colloquial Collision at 11:30 PM
PST
on December 1 [!]

Last comment

posted by poppo at 12:16 PM PST on December 1 [!]

No it isn't!

posted by unreason at 12:44 PM PST on December 1 [!]

the real last comment.

posted by lord_wolf at 1:34 PM PST on December 1 [!]

We're all winners in my book!

posted by poppo at 9:36 AM
PST
on December 2 [!]

*snags poppo's book, holds it over his head, taunts him*

posted by cortex at 9:59 AM
PST
on December 2 [!]

500 128 059060

(PLU code number thing for a dozen eggs in the Co-op I worked in 13 years ago. Bastards never scanned.)

Oh, am I late? Sorry guys, I drooled on the invitation and couldn't read it properly.

Wishing you peaceful napping, MiHail. And everyone else. I think we've all earned a little lie down.

posted by penguin pie at 11:57 AM

PST
on December 2 [!]

That's the dark secret being neglected: three weeks later, MiHail is still napping.

posted by cortex at 1:15 PM

PST
on December 2 [!]

Thanks, If I Had an Anus. He died a few months ago, it was just the first time I'd spoken with anyone he'd been hanging out with for the past few years. (Summary: we lived in same city, he moved away in one direction, then I moved away in another direction.)

This is another sentence, unrelated to the preceding paragraph.

posted by The Great Big Mulp at 1:16 PM

PST
on December 2 [!]

A++++++++++++++++++++ WOULD POST IN CULT THREAD AGAIN

posted by kyleg at 3:23 PM

PST
on December 2 [!]

posted by gramschmidt at 8:46 PM on December 3, 2005

Who, exactly, is The Great Satan, and what's his ring size?
posted by gramschmidt at 8:48 PM on December 3, 2005

What tha? Who turned on the lights?
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:49 PM on December 3, 2005

Blink tag make Hulk angry.

But not as angry as... quoting an entire thread and enclosing it in a blink tag. Or whatever the hell just happened. I know I'm not that drunk.
posted by SuperNova at 1:24 AM on December 4, 2005

stealing is wrong
posted by Mr T at 1:31 AM on December 4, 2005

1000?, not yet.
posted by Mr T at 1:33 AM on December 4, 2005

I think I just made this thread crash by browser.
posted by Mr T at 1:35 AM on December 4, 2005

It's almost 6 pm. I think I should have some breakfast.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:55 PM on December 4, 2005

It's almost 6 pm. I think I should have some breakfast.
I knew I forgot something.
posted by SuperNova at 3:04 PM on December 4, 2005

Hewwo.
posted by Falconetti at 5:48 PM on December 4, 2005

15 hours with no posts?! What kind of crappy cult thread is this? This is not how you get to 1000 guys... You can't just give up after a <blink>!
posted by SuperNova at 8:53 AM on December 5, 2005

Has anyone contacted MiHail yet to see if she will honor us with the 1000th comment? If she won't, I missed the memo about the magick signified by one thousand wanks.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:02 AM on December 5, 2005

MiHail is Merrily Mushrooming it up at MetaChat these days.
posted by Gator at 9:13 AM on December 5, 2005

Now a single wank I understand the beauty of. And a flock of single wanks is nice to collect like an album former Soviet republic stamps featuring images of satellites is swell. But I don't thing I'd be anymore likely to show off my wankery to friends if it numbered 1000 rather than 889.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:15 AM on December 5, 2005

Are you suggesting we request she promise to deliver us 1000 (if we deliver her 999) via a MetaChat thread?
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:17 AM on December 5, 2005

referring I am to gator
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:18 AM on December 5, 2005

Suggesting that, I am, if matters to you it does. A good sport MiHail is.
posted by Gator at 9:24 AM on December 5, 2005

True she is, an interesting thread it could be. Disastrous too.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:26 AM on December 5, 2005

The blink tag hurts me.
posted by TwelveTwo at 3:22 PM on December 5, 2005

so....how's your mom?
posted by SassHat at 4:33 PM on December 5, 2005

I just wanted to be #897.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:46 PM on December 5, 2005

898 is a palindrome!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 6:37 PM on December 5, 2005

Ultimately, the problem is held within the devoted sector of the political base as the "controversial essential." The admirable traits of the problem are not of their intellectual merit, precisely what is is never the intended question. The group held that the crisis was not the foundation but the firmness of it. Today it is still fraught with trouble and the arguments to or against continue to be developed. Contemporary thought leads one to think that it is not the war itself, but the trouble of the symbolic connotation as is the source of the foundation. The event in which the masses believed to most great, would be nothing but the devoted sum of the culture. Americans and Europeans at large must face this err and continue to do so until one side or the other cuts to the truth. The question remains of what the intended question was, but the foundation of which is uncertain. The wrongly presented work leads one to believe in the former. The latter remains unresigned in both media and lectures of the well known politician. The local academic journal writes, "He is admirable in that it is of equal strength to his zeal." The trouble remains however, though the trans-historical and trans-narrative depths have yet to be fully understood. Yet historians all agree, the immediate result is quite clear, but the foundations of which remain incomprehensible. Where will this lead us in the next decade is a mystery to remain for both parties.
posted by TwelveTwo at 7:05 PM on December 5, 2005

Conclusion: Comment 900!
posted by TwelveTwo at 7:07 PM on December 5, 2005 [1 favorite]

This was the "right thread"? Hee hee.
posted by Gator at 7:09 PM on December 5, 2005

Don't make me use that tag again. It hurts. But it hurts so good.

I kicked a moving car last week.
posted by gramschmidt at 7:56 PM on December 5, 2005

Please note:

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?

#-----------------------------PLEASE NOTE-------------------------------------#
#This OLGA file is the author's own work and represents their interpretation #
#of the song. You may only use this file for private study, scholarship, or #
#research. Remember to view this file in Courier, or some other monospaced #
#font. See http://www.olga.net/faq/ for more information. #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#

From: "frederic briere"
Subject: l/lynyrd_skynyrd/simple_kind_of_man.tab
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 18:02:44 -0400

Artist : lynyrd skynyrd
Song : simple kind of man
Tabbed by : Frederic Briere
Ilie_cobra@hotmail.com

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
bb- 1 1/2 tone bend
H - hold bend
r - release bend
/ - slides
~ - vibrato
t - right hand tap
x - play 'note' with heavy damping

You gotta tune flat. In Eb

Main Riff

C G

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------1------------------------------------------
G---------0-------0---0-----------0------------------------
D-----------2-------2-------0-------0---0------------------
A---0-2-3-----3---------------2-------2--------------------
E-------------------------3-----3--------------------------

Am

E------------------------------3---------------------------
B-------------1----------1-------1-------------------------
G-------2-------2---2------2-------------------------------
D---------2-------2----------2-----------------------------
A----0------0----------0-----------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Chorus (same chords)

This is the lead

C G Am
E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A---0-2-3---5br-3-------5br-3------------------------------
E------------------3~----------5~-----0-3-0-3/5~-----------

C G Am

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G---5------------------------------------------------------
D---5-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
A---3-------5--------7-----------5------5/7----------------
E-----------3--------5--------0--3---0--3/5----------------

Solo :

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------8------8-------8----8-----------------5----------
G-----5-7-7brb---7br-p5--7----7br--5---------/7---7--------
D-------------------------------------7~-------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----5/8--8--10-5~-------------15----15------15----15-----
B-----5/8--8--10-5~-------13-15-15b---15br-13-15~---15br---
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

Make 22 note while holding bend

E-----------15b~------17-20-20b-20H-20H-20H-22-20~---------
B----13----------------------------------------------------
G-------14-------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E-----17-------------------------------17-----------17-----
B--------17-20b----20br p17-20~----/17----20b---/17----20b-
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E--------17-----------17-----------------------------------
B----/17----20b---/17----17-20b-------------------8--------
G------------------------------------/5-7-5-7brb--H-7r-p5--
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B---------------10-8-10~--------------------------13-15----
G-----7-br---/9---------------5-7/9-9/12-12/14-14----------
D---------------------------7------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E----------------------------------------------------------

E---15---------15---------------------15b------------------
B---15b-----------15br----15br-13--------------------------
G---------/14---------------------14-----------------------
D--------------------------------------------17------------
A-----------------------------------------------17br-p15---
E----------------------------------------------------------

E----------------------------------------------------------
B----------------------------------------------------------
G----------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------
A----------------------------------------------------------
E---17~----------------------------------------------------

That's it. It's fairly simple. There are two guitars in the solo by the way.
But this sounds correct, doesn't it?
posted by gramschmidt at 8:03 PM on December 5, 2005 [1 favorite]

Come on now.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:12 PM on December 5, 2005

I feel we really need something substantial to present to MiHail before we request her presence for the 1000th edict. Therefore, as the cardinal lord of this portion of the thread, I hereby repurpose the "." mark to indicate the poster has signed our petition to query the author of the FPP via MetaChat and/or its environs now and forever everlasting amen poop.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:19 PM on December 5, 2005

.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:19 PM on December 5, 2005

Question: Skynyrd isn't substantial?

Answer: Correct.
posted by gramschmidt at 8:33 PM on December 5, 2005

Holy sweet Mary Mother of Jesus - the mushroom thread still lives?
posted by killdevil at 8:45 PM on December 5, 2005

Oh, and mihail is evidently a poster at MetaChat now if you'd care to post a mushroom thread update over there.

Be nice, of course... as is the MetaChat way.
posted by killdevil at 8:46 PM on December 5, 2005

I SHALL NOT ABIDE THE METACHAT WAY!!!
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:52 PM on December 5, 2005

My only regret is I have but one "." to give for my country.
posted by Mr T at 8:57 PM on December 5, 2005

.

posted by TwelveTwo at 9:21 PM on December 5, 2005

I did not participate in this thread.
posted by interrobang at 4:34 PM on December 6, 2005

First Post!
posted by seanyboy at 4:35 PM on December 6, 2005

What's what?
posted by Edible Energy at 4:41 PM on December 6, 2005

ohhhhh, that. Why it's a mushroom!
posted by Edible Energy at 4:41 PM on December 6, 2005

Web 2.0
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 5:21 PM on December 6, 2005

Hang on boys. I'm taking her down for thicker air.
posted by warbaby at 5:39 PM on December 6, 2005

interrobang: I have evidence of your participation. For a reasonable sum I might be able to keep it from being a problem for you. ;)
posted by frecklefaerie at 5:59 PM on December 6, 2005

i wanted to post here, but i was too scared...

...DAMNIT!
posted by muddgirl at 6:04 PM on December 6, 2005

interrobang: I have evidence of your participation. For a reasonable sum I might be able to keep it from being a problem for you. ;)

I'm not afraid, since I didn't participate in this thread.
posted by interrobang at 6:44 PM on December 6, 2005

That's hot.
posted by moonbird at 6:56 PM on December 6, 2005

SO
posted by Krrrlson at 6:58 PM on December 6, 2005

FUCKING
posted by Krrrlson at 7:00 PM on December 6, 2005

CLOSE
posted by Krrrlson at 7:00 PM on December 6, 2005

bump
posted by five fresh fish at 7:05 PM on December 6, 2005

I am not aware of this thread's existence.
posted by dmd at 7:20 PM on December 6, 2005

gramschmidt, I've gotta transpose that for the ukulele.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 7:22 PM on December 6, 2005

Known Loot:
A Deepspore
Chunk of Dense Fungal Padding
Song: Battlecry of the Vah Shir
Spell: Aid of Khurenz

Known Habitats:
The Deep

Factions:
Deepshade Collective

Quests:
Dwarf Cultural Armor (DoN)
posted by kosem at 7:30 PM on December 6, 2005

posted by Mr T at 8:15 PM on December 6, 2005

posted by Edible Energy at 9:01 PM on December 6, 2005

Those are some...tights.
posted by SassHat at 9:04 PM on December 6, 2005

"Dad finds and interesting phallic mushroom"
posted by Mr T at 9:08 PM on December 6, 2005

THIS THREAD CRASHED MY BROWSER!!!!
posted by Mr T at 9:10 PM on December 6, 2005

this thread gave me the clap.
posted by SassHat at 9:30 PM on December 6, 2005

*taps microphone*

I just, uh, er, wanted to make a comment here, so I can, like, you know, easily get back to this thread someday.

I can't tell if I'm speaking to a packed auditorium or an empty wasteland.

Did I tell you the story about the time ~~me and~~ some friends ate some hallucinogenic mushrooms and tried to listen to the Andy Summers / Robert Fripp album?
posted by marxchivist at 9:31 PM on December 6, 2005

No, please do!
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies at 9:41 PM on December 6, 2005

I'm a runnin a way, a looong way a waaaaay!
posted by Mr T at 9:52 PM on December 6, 2005

THIS THREAD CRASHED THE INTERNET!!!!!1
posted by Mr T at 9:55 PM on December 6, 2005

posted by dhartung at 10:19 PM on December 6, 2005

posted by loquacious at 10:25 PM on December 6, 2005

posted by loquacious at 10:26 PM on December 6, 2005

posted by loquacious at 10:30 PM on December 6, 2005

posted by loquacious at 10:31 PM on December 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by loquacious at 10:34 PM on December 6, 2005 [3 favorites]

One time I knew a mushroom...
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:55 PM on December 6, 2005

The Waste Land

I. THE BURIAL OF THE DEAD

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering 5
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten, 10
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch.
And when we were children, staying at the archduke's,
My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie, 15
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man, 20
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock, 25
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust. 30
Frisch weht der Wind
Der Heimat zu.
Mein Irisch Kind,
Wo weilest du?
'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago; 35
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing, 40
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Od' und leer das Meer.

Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,
Had a bad cold, nevertheless
Is known to be the wisest woman in Europe, 45
With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,
Is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor,
(Those are pearls that were his eyes. Look!)
Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations. 50
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card,
Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water. 55
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself:
One must be so careful these days.

Unreal City, 60
Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,
A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,
I had not thought death had undone so many.
Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled,
And each man fixed his eyes before his feet. 65
Flowed up the hill and down King William Street,
To where Saint Mary Woolnoth kept the hours
With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine.
There I saw one I knew, and stopped him, crying 'Stetson!
'You who were with me in the ships at Mylae! 70
'That corpse you planted last year in your garden,
'Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?
'Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?
'Oh keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men,
'Or with his nails he'll dig it up again! 75
'You! hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!'

II. A GAME OF CHESS

THE Chair she sat in, like a burnished throne,
Glowed on the marble, where the glass
Held up by standards wrought with fruited vines
From which a golden Cupidon peeped out 80
(Another hid his eyes behind his wing)
Doubled the flames of sevenbranched candelabra
Reflecting light upon the table as
The glitter of her jewels rose to meet it,
From satin cases poured in rich profusion; 85
In vials of ivory and coloured glass
Unstoppered, lurked her strange synthetic perfumes,
Unguent, powdered, or liquid—troubled, confused
And drowned the sense in odours; stirred by the air
That freshened from the window, these ascended 90
In fattening the prolonged candle-flames,
Flung their smoke into the laquearia,
Stirring the pattern on the coffered ceiling.
Huge sea-wood fed with copper
Burned green and orange, framed by the coloured stone, 95
In which sad light a carvèd dolphin swam.
Above the antique mantel was displayed
As though a window gave upon the sylvan scene
The change of Philomel, by the barbarous king
So rudely forced; yet there the nightingale 100
Filled all the desert with inviolable voice
And still she cried, and still the world pursues,
'Jug Jug' to dirty ears.
And other withered stumps of time
Were told upon the walls; staring forms 105
Leaned out, leaning, hushing the room enclosed.
Footsteps shuffled on the stair.
Under the firelight, under the brush, her hair
Spread out in fiery points
Glowed into words, then would be savagely still. 110

'My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
'What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
'I never know what you are thinking. Think.'

I think we are in rats' alley 115
Where the dead men lost their bones.

'What is that noise?'
The wind under the door.
'What is that noise now? What is the wind doing?'
Nothing again nothing. 120
'Do
'You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember
'Nothing?'
I remember
Those are pearls that were his eyes. 125
'Are you alive, or not? Is there nothing in your head?'
But
O O O O that Shakespeherian Rag—
It's so elegant
So intelligent 130
'What shall I do now? What shall I do?'
'I shall rush out as I am, and walk the street
'With my hair down, so. What shall we do to-morrow?
'What shall we ever do?'
The hot water at ten. 135
And if it rains, a closed car at four.
And we shall play a game of chess,
Pressing lidless eyes and waiting for a knock upon the door.

When Lil's husband got demobbed, I said—
I didn't mince my words, I said to her myself, 140
HURRY UP PLEASE IT'S TIME
Now Albert's coming back, make yourself a bit smart.
He'll want to know what you done with that money he gave you
To get yourself some teeth. He did, I was there.
You have them all out, Lil, and get a nice set, 145
He said, I swear, I can't bear to look at you.
And no more can't I, I said, and think of poor Albert,
He's been in the army four years, he wants a good time,
And if you don't give it him, there's others will, I said.
Oh is there, she said. Something o' that, I said. 150
Then I'll know who to thank, she said, and give me a straight look.
HURRY UP PLEASE IT'S TIME
If you don't like it you can get on with it, I said.
Others can pick and choose if you can't.
But if Albert makes off, it won't be for lack of telling. 155
You ought to be ashamed, I said, to look so antique.
(And her only thirty-one.)
I can't help it, she said, pulling a long face,
It's them pills I took, to bring it off, she said.
(She's had five already, and nearly died of young George.) 160
The chemist said it would be alright, but I've never been the same.
You are a proper fool, I said.
Well, if Albert won't leave you alone, there it is, I said,
What you get married for if you don't want children?
HURRY UP PLEASE IT'S TIME 165
Well, that Sunday Albert was home, they had a hot gammon,
And they asked me in to dinner, to get the beauty of it hot—
HURRY UP PLEASE IT'S TIME
HURRY UP PLEASE IT'S TIME
Goonight Bill. Goonight Lou. Goonight May. Goonight. 170
Ta ta. Goonight. Goonight.
Good night, ladies, good night, sweet ladies, good night, good night.

III. THE FIRE SERMON

THE river's tent is broken: the last fingers of leaf
Clutch and sink into the wet bank. The wind
Crosses the brown land, unheard. The nymphs are departed. 175
Sweet Thames, run softly, till I end my song.
The river bears no empty bottles, sandwich papers,
Silk handkerchiefs, cardboard boxes, cigarette ends
Or other testimony of summer nights. The nymphs are departed.
And their friends, the loitering heirs of city directors; 180
Departed, have left no addresses.
By the waters of Leman I sat down and wept...
Sweet Thames, run softly till I end my song,
Sweet Thames, run softly, for I speak not loud or long.
But at my back in a cold blast I hear 185
The rattle of the bones, and chuckle spread from ear to ear.

A rat crept softly through the vegetation
Dragging its slimy belly on the bank
While I was fishing in the dull canal
On a winter evening round behind the gashouse 190
Musing upon the king my brother's wreck
And on the king my father's death before him.
White bodies naked on the low damp ground
And bones cast in a little low dry garret,
Rattled by the rat's foot only, year to year. 195
But at my back from time to time I hear
The sound of horns and motors, which shall bring
Sweeney to Mrs. Porter in the spring.
O the moon shone bright on Mrs. Porter
And on her daughter 200
They wash their feet in soda water
Et, O ces voix d'enfants, chantant dans la coupole!

Twit twit twit
Jug jug jug jug jug jug
So rudely forc'd. 205
Tereu

Unreal City
Under the brown fog of a winter noon
Mr. Eugenides, the Smyrna merchant
Unshaven, with a pocket full of currants 210
C.i.f. London: documents at sight,
Asked me in demotic French
To luncheon at the Cannon Street Hotel
Followed by a weekend at the Metropole.

At the violet hour, when the eyes and back 215
Turn upward from the desk, when the human engine waits
Like a taxi throbbing waiting,
I Tiresias, though blind, throbbing between two lives,
Old man with wrinkled female breasts, can see
At the violet hour, the evening hour that strives 220
Homeward, and brings the sailor home from sea,
The typist home at teatime, clears her breakfast, lights
Her stove, and lays out food in tins.
Out of the window perilously spread
Her drying combinations touched by the sun's last rays, 225
On the divan are piled (at night her bed)
Stockings, slippers, camisoles, and stays.
I Tiresias, old man with wrinkled dugs
Perceived the scene, and foretold the rest—
I too awaited the expected guest. 230
He, the young man carbuncular, arrives,
A small house agent's clerk, with one bold stare,
One of the low on whom assurance sits
As a silk hat on a Bradford millionaire.
The time is now propitious, as he guesses, 235
The meal is ended, she is bored and tired,
Endeavours to engage her in caresses
Which still are unreproved, if undesired.
Flushed and decided, he assaults at once;
Exploring hands encounter no defence; 240
His vanity requires no response,
And makes a welcome of indifference.
(And I Tiresias have foresuffered all
Enacted on this same divan or bed;
I who have sat by Thebes below the wall 245
And walked among the lowest of the dead.)
Bestows on final patronising kiss,
And gropes his way, finding the stairs unlit...

She turns and looks a moment in the glass,
Hardly aware of her departed lover; 250
Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:
'Well now that's done: and I'm glad it's over.'
When lovely woman stoops to folly and
Paces about her room again, alone,
She smoothes her hair with automatic hand, 255
And puts a record on the gramophone.

'This music crept by me upon the waters'
And along the Strand, up Queen Victoria Street.
O City city, I can sometimes hear
Beside a public bar in Lower Thames Street, 260
The pleasant whining of a mandoline
And a clatter and a chatter from within
Where fishmen lounge at noon: where the walls
Of Magnus Martyr hold
Inexplicable splendour of Ionian white and gold. 265

The river sweats
Oil and tar
The barges drift
With the turning tide
Red sails 270
Wide
To leeward, swing on the heavy spar.
The barges wash
Drifting logs
Down Greenwich reach 275
Past the Isle of Dogs.
Weialala leia
Wallala leialala

Elizabeth and Leicester
Beating oars 280
The stern was formed
A gilded shell
Red and gold
The brisk swell
Rippled both shores 285
Southwest wind
Carried down stream
The peal of bells
White towers
Weialala leia 290
Wallala leialala

'Trams and dusty trees.
Highbury bore me. Richmond and Kew
Undid me. By Richmond I raised my knees
Supine on the floor of a narrow canoe.' 295
'My feet are at Moorgate, and my heart
Under my feet. After the event
He wept. He promised "a new start".
I made no comment. What should I resent?'
'On Margate Sands. 300
I can connect
Nothing with nothing.
The broken fingernails of dirty hands.
My people humble people who expect
Nothing.' 305
la la

To Carthage then I came

Burning burning burning burning
O Lord Thou pluckest me out
O Lord Thou pluckest 310

burning

IV. DEATH BY WATER

PHLEBAS the Phoenician, a fortnight dead,
Forgot the cry of gulls, and the deep seas swell
And the profit and loss.
A current under sea 315
Picked his bones in whispers. As he rose and fell
He passed the stages of his age and youth
Entering the whirlpool.
Gentile or Jew
O you who turn the wheel and look to windward, 320
Consider Phlebas, who was once handsome and tall as you.

V. WHAT THE THUNDER SAID

AFTER the torchlight red on sweaty faces
After the frosty silence in the gardens
After the agony in stony places
The shouting and the crying 325
Prison and place and reverberation
Of thunder of spring over distant mountains
He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience 330

Here is no water but only rock
Rock and no water and the sandy road
The road winding above among the mountains
Which are mountains of rock without water
If there were water we should stop and drink 335
Amongst the rock one cannot stop or think
Sweat is dry and feet are in the sand
If there were only water amongst the rock
Dead mountain mouth of carious teeth that cannot spit
Here one can neither stand nor lie nor sit 340
There is not even silence in the mountains
But dry sterile thunder without rain
There is not even solitude in the mountains
But red sullen faces sneer and snarl
From doors of mudcracked houses
If there were water 345
And no rock
If there were rock
And also water
And water
A spring 350
A pool among the rock
If there were the sound of water only
Not the cicada
And dry grass singing
But sound of water over a rock 355
Where the hermit-thrush sings in the pine trees
Drip drop drip drop drop drop drop
But there is no water

Who is the third who walks always beside you?
When I count, there are only you and I together 360
But when I look ahead up the white road
There is always another one walking beside you
Gliding wrapt in a brown mantle, hooded
I do not know whether a man or a woman
—But who is that on the other side of you? 365

What is that sound high in the air
Murmur of maternal lamentation
Who are those hooded hordes swarming
Over endless plains, stumbling in cracked earth
Ringed by the flat horizon only 370
What is the city over the mountains
Cracks and reforms and bursts in the violet air
Falling towers
Jerusalem Athens Alexandria
Vienna London 375
Unreal

A woman drew her long black hair out tight
And fiddled whisper music on those strings
And bats with baby faces in the violet light
Whistled, and beat their wings 380
And crawled head downward down a blackened wall
And upside down in air were towers
Tolling reminiscent bells, that kept the hours
And voices singing out of empty cisterns and exhausted wells.

In this decayed hole among the mountains 385
In the faint moonlight, the grass is singing
Over the tumbled graves, about the chapel
There is the empty chapel, only the wind's home.
It has no windows, and the door swings,
Dry bones can harm no one. 390
Only a cock stood on the rooftree
Co co rico co co rico
In a flash of lightning. Then a damp gust
Bringing rain

Ganga was sunken, and the limp leaves 395
Waited for rain, while the black clouds
Gathered far distant, over Himavant.
The jungle crouched, humped in silence.
Then spoke the thunder
D A 400
Datta: what have we given?
My friend, blood shaking my heart
The awful daring of a moment's surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
By this, and this only, we have existed 405
Which is not to be found in our obituaries
Or in memories draped by the beneficent spider
Or under seals broken by the lean solicitor
In our empty rooms
D A 410
Dayadhvam: I have heard the key
Turn in the door once and turn once only
We think of the key, each in his prison
Thinking of the key, each confirms a prison
Only at nightfall, aetherial rumours 415
Revive for a moment a broken Coriolanus
D A
Damyata: The boat responded
Gaily, to the hand expert with sail and oar
The sea was calm, your heart would have responded 420
Gaily, when invited, beating obedient
To controlling hands

I sat upon the shore
Fishing, with the arid plain behind me
Shall I at least set my lands in order? 425

London Bridge is falling down falling down falling down

Poi s'ascose nel foco che gli affina
Quando fiam ceu chelidon—O swallow swallow
Le Prince d'Aquitaine à la tour abolie
These fragments I have shored against my ruins 430
Why then Ile fit you. Hieronymo's mad againe.
Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.

Shantih shantih shantih
posted by kyleg at 10:56 PM on December 6, 2005

MY EYES!!!
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:04 PM on December 6, 2005

wow. just... wow.

i'll never look at a portobello the same way again.
posted by ab3 at 11:53 PM on December 6, 2005

950? 50 left?
posted by SuperNova at 11:57 PM on December 6, 2005

wee!
posted by sergeant sandwich at 1:46 AM on December 7, 2005

I'm surprised this mushroom hasn't come up yet.
posted by Iamtherealme at 1:51 AM on December 7, 2005

NSFW Orc Babe With Mushrooms, by the brilliant and talented Ursula Vernon. Prints available. Orc Nouveau
posted by Rubber Soul at 2:19 AM on December 7, 2005

This thread is so sad....

(953)
posted by Pendragon at 3:26 AM on December 7, 2005

Do not attempt to open this thread over a dialup.

Oh, sorry. Too late.
posted by warbaby at 6:47 AM on December 7, 2005

Hey. I've nothing to say, I just wanted to be a part of MetaFilter history.
posted by you just lost the game at 7:09 AM on December 7, 2005

posted by seanyboy at 8:39 AM on December 7, 2005

posted by If I Had An Anus at 10:01 AM on December 7, 2005

Has anyone actually got in touch with MiHail yet to request the 1000th post?
posted by chrismear at 10:44 AM on December 7, 2005

Someone did post about it at MeCha, where she was last seen. Don't know if anyone has emailed her though.
posted by Gator at 11:12 AM on December 7, 2005

Isn't this thread due to expire in a few days! WORK HARDER YOU FILTHY DOGS! MUSH! MUSH!!
posted by loquacious at 11:17 AM on December 7, 2005

The suspense is killing me.
posted by Robot Johnny at 1:18 PM on December 7, 2005

I am killing the suspense.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 1:31 PM on December 7, 2005

I want World Peace, goddamn it, and if posting lots of pointless fungoid-related drivel is what it takes then SO BE IT.
posted by Rubber Soul at 1:32 PM on December 7, 2005

Welcome to post #965.

We hope you enjoy your stay.
posted by agropyron at 1:39 PM on December 7, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel, Garlic mushrooms, hypholoma ambiguum, inocybe rimoca, Jack-O-Lantern, Kurotake, Lobster, Man on Horseback (California's most underrated and esculent mushroom), Naematoloma capnoides (considered mediocre in the edibility department) and, for now, Octopus Stinkhorn (which are neat looking, but of inferior texture and taste) mushrooms.
posted by kosem at 1:53 PM on December 7, 2005

FREAKOUT
posted by killdevil at 1:53 PM on December 7, 2005

MUSHROOMS FOR PEACE

posted by Rubber Soul at 1:55 PM on December 7, 2005

The killing is suspending me.
posted by Robot Johnny at 1:58 PM on December 7, 2005

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel, Garlic mushrooms, hypholoma ambiguum, inocybe rimoca, Jack-O-Lantern, Kurotake, Lobster, Man on Horseback, Naematoloma capnoides, Octopus Stinkhorn, and some Poop Mushrooms (Elephant poop, that is).
posted by Robot Johnny at 2:05 PM on December 7, 2005

poo comes from animals´ bottoms. recommended poo types for mush cultivation are cowpoop and horsepoop, though a few other types get mentioned, like deer, rabbit and elephant.
posted by kosem at 2:10 PM on December 7, 2005

Sure, I missed the perfect opportunity for P for Portobello, but what the hell is a portobello?
posted by Robot Johnny at 2:13 PM on December 7, 2005

The thread that keeps on giving, like herpes.

I'm pretty sure the brain's gone and the body's just being kept alive via artificial means. Can't we just let it die with some dignity or did that option go out the window almost a thousand comments ago?

Anyway, big hand is on 12, little hand is on 3, time for my nap.
posted by fenriq at 3:01 PM on December 7, 2005

Today, December 7, 2005 - a date which will live in infamy - the United Community of Metafilter was suddenly and deliberately attacked by posting and commenting forces of the Empire of Mushroom.

The Community of Metafilter was at peace with that Nation and, at the solicitation of Mushroom, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Internets. Indeed, one hour after Mushroom animated GIF squadrons had commenced bombing in this thread, the Mushroom Ambassador to the United Community of Metafilter and his colleague delivered to the Secretary of State a form reply to a recent Mefite message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of this thread from The Mushroom Empire makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Mushroom Government had deliberately sought to deceive the Mefite Nation by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the this thread has caused severe damage to Mefite posting and commenting forces. Very many Mefite modems have been lost. In addition Mefite userpages have been reported high-jacked on the high internets between High Speed and Dial-Up.

Last night Mushrooms forces attacked Metafilter.

Last night Mushrooms forces attacked Metatalk.

Last night Mushrooms forces attacked the Askme Islands.

Last night the Mushrooms attacked Projects Island.

Mushroom has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the JPEG area. The facts speak for themselves. The people of the Mefite Nation have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our Nation.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Server and Modem I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.

Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the Mefite people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the Community and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.

I ask that the Mob declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Mushrooms on Sunday, December seventh, a state of war has existed between the United Community of Metafilter and the Mushroom Empire.
posted by Mr T at 3:17 PM on December 7, 2005 [2 favorites]

Didn't Piers Anthony write a sci-fi book about a planet where all the life-forms were some kind of fungus?
posted by Rubber Soul at 3:19 PM on December 7, 2005

I don't know if anyone else is coming to the picnic if they have to bring something that starts with Q
On preview: Don't preview.
posted by Iamtherealme at 4:02 PM on December 7, 2005

Seeking the Magic Mushroom
This article was published in LIFE Magazine (June 10, 1957). This transcription of the article has been done only with divulgative intentions and in recognition to the work of R.G. Wasson; in any case with a comercial intention. The person that has typed the article has tried to stablish contact with LIFE Magazine in order to ask for aproval for its publication in the Internet. He has been told that LIFE Magazine stopped being published some years ago, and he has not been able to find their legal representants.
In case that any person or entity with rights over the intelectual propierty of the text have any inconvinient in its publication on the Net, please contact with emc@imaginaria.org
posted by tellurian at 4:09 PM on December 7, 2005

I've got Q, but I'm already at the picnic. So ... you can have it if you want.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 4:11 PM on December 7, 2005

... and, with that, I'ma gonna go play some Team Fortress!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 4:15 PM on December 7, 2005

Awesome, thanks - then I'm headed to the picnic and I'm bringing Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel, Garlic mushrooms, hypholoma ambiguum, inocybe rimoca, Jack-O-Lantern, Kurotake, Lobster, Man on Horseback, Naematoloma capnoides, Octopus Stinkhorn, some Poop Mushrooms (Elephant poop, that is), and quadracaea Lunghini.
posted by Iamtherealme at 4:23 PM on December 7, 2005

981 = 109 * 3^2
posted by cortex at 4:32 PM on December 7, 2005

posted by tellurian at 4:37 PM on December 7, 2005

So close, I can taste it.
posted by SassHat at 5:07 PM on December 7, 2005

I suppose I'll come to the picnic, but only if I can bring Agaricus, Beech, Chantarelle, Dry Rot, Earthball, False Morel, Garlic mushrooms, hypholoma ambiguum, inocybe rimoca, Jack-O-Lantern, Kurotake, Lobster, Man on Horseback, Naematoloma capnoides, Octopus Stinkhorn, some Poop Mushrooms (Elephant poop, that is), quadracaea Lunghini, and Reishi.
posted by kyleg at 5:31 PM on December 7, 2005

Closer...
posted by halonine at 5:41 PM on December 7, 2005

Remember that Mushroom Life game? That was fun. Very satisfying "pwoip" noises.
posted by steef at 5:56 PM on December 7, 2005

Just doing my part...
posted by quite unimportant at 6:15 PM on December 7, 2005

Just parting my 'do.
posted by loquacious at 6:17 PM on December 7, 2005

My justing do part.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 6:20 PM on December 7, 2005

Doing Justin, my part......ner.
posted by quite unimportant at 6:26 PM on December 7, 2005

Just pooing my dart.
posted by tellurian at 6:30 PM on December 7, 2005

posted by quonsar at 6:39 PM on December 7, 2005

posted by Edible Energy at 6:54 PM on December 7, 2005

posted by Edible Energy at 6:56 PM on December 7, 2005

734 more to go.
posted by Eideteker at 6:58 PM on December 7, 2005

posted by quonsar at 7:01 PM on December 7, 2005

^^^ Above comment flagged as fantastic!
posted by Edible Energy at 7:10 PM on December 7, 2005

Happy anniversary of lethal injection day!
posted by Edible Energy at 7:15 PM on December 7, 2005

posted by quonsar at 7:19 PM on December 7, 2005

and I'm outta here.
posted by tellurian at 7:20 PM on December 7, 2005 [2 favorites]

HAH!

oh.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:27 PM on December 7, 2005

1002!

Wait ... what were we talking about?
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 7:41 PM on December 7, 2005

Am I late?
posted by TwelveTwo at 7:42 PM on December 7, 2005

First post!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:07 PM on December 7, 2005

On preview...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:08 PM on December 7, 2005

I have no idea how these people got their mushrooms wedged into their scanners, or why.
posted by Robot Johnny at 10:07 PM on December 7, 2005

posted by dhartung at 10:07 PM on December 7, 2005

mushroom mushroom mushroom mushroom badger badger!
posted by moonbird at 10:45 PM on December 7, 2005

So, on the Mix Master Mike album "Anti-Theft Device" there is a track called Sektor Three, which has a sample that sounds like it's from a movie. Someone asks, "More spaghetti Mr.?" and they respond with a hearty "MMM HMMM!" And then there's lots of eating sounds. And then someone asks, "just what kind of mushrooms did you use in the sauce Alice?" Does anyone know where this is sampled from? Not trying to be a snob; just trying to increase my mushroom knowledge.
posted by Otis at 6:23 AM on December 8, 2005

Does anyone else think that The Flaming Lips song 'Take Me Ta Mars' is a rip off of Can's 'Mushroom'?
posted by sp dinsmoor at 7:54 AM on December 8, 2005

Sektor Three
posted by Otis at 9:14 AM on December 8, 2005

Hi, guys! Whatcha been doin'? I couldn't find you all, and I thought you left me. Good thing I caught up with you. Is anybody doing anything later on? 'Cause I sure don't want to be left out of anything, m'kay?
posted by grateful at 2:04 PM on December 8, 2005

762.3 KB (780,594 bytes)
posted by sanko at 4:24 PM on December 8, 2005

interrobang: I'm not afraid, since I didn't participate in this thread.

I didn't participate here either. What are you trying to imply? What price is your silence?
posted by frecklefaerie at 12:16 AM on December 9, 2005

Am I late?

No.
posted by OmieWise at 5:58 AM on December 9, 2005

2000 posts!!! Let's do it!!!
posted by Pendragon at 7:23 AM on December 9, 2005

Go right ahead.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 2:10 PM on December 9, 2005

You'll never make 2686.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 2:15 PM on December 9, 2005

The dot will kill your sweet, sweet browser.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 2:16 PM on December 9, 2005

"The point I would like to make is that MeFi is a busy place and there are many posts appearing on the front page every day. If all people see on the FP is a personal anecdote and a link to an image of a foodstuff, it's really difficult to be interested."

You know, that's probably a good point.
posted by sfenders at 4:30 PM on December 9, 2005 [1 favorite]

Yes. Yes, it was. I mean, it was a long time ago, almost a month or so, but yes, looking back on my career? That was one of the better points made that particular hour of that particular day. Don't want to blow my own trumpet, but hey. So what were we talking about againshrooms?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:12 PM on December 9, 2005

mushrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom
posted by killdevil at 4:43 AM on December 10, 2005

Does anyone have any good mushroom recipes?
posted by terrapin at 5:42 AM on December 10, 2005

I have some great ones but I don't read the comments down here. Sorry.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 5:49 AM on December 10, 2005

Am posting this just in case Matt is foolish enough to make comments editable at some later date.
posted by Ryvar at 2:19 PM on December 10, 2005

Am posting this just in case Matt is foolish enough to make comments editable at some later date.
posted by Ryvar at 5:19 PM EST on December 10 [!]

Ha HA! You're on the RECORD now!

Anyway, Ryvar, did you ever manage to get hold of a Beksinski print?
posted by Gator at 2:22 PM on December 10, 2005

Who knew mushrooms could be so provokative?

In a related story i did a drug that started with a K earlier this weekend and i cant seem to walk very far or do smart making-ness right now.

Also:

posted by phylum sinter at 4:53 AM on December 11, 2005

Attention, shoppers: The IGA on highway 105 north of Ottawa now carries dried shitake mushrooms. They are good for eating. This is part of a vast improvement of mushroom inventory that has taken place since the last time I was there, sometime in the past month. Maybe they've been reading this thread. Maybe they've been reading my mind while I was reading this thread. Maybe they recognize the benefits of being the only source of dried shiitake mushrooms for miles around. These mushrooms are sold in packages with an easily-read label, so there's no chance of them being mis-identified at checkout. The number of shiitake mushrooms I have eaten in the past five years has just now gone from zero to one. I can only assume that fresh ones would be even better, but these dried mushrooms are also very tasty. At $4.29 plus tax for 22 grams, I say they're worth the price.
posted by sfenders at 11:49 AM on December 11, 2005

Hot damn! Gonna get me some right quick.
posted by TwelveTwo at 7:57 PM on December 11, 2005

posted by Eideteker at 8:05 PM on December 11, 2005

posted by klausness at 10:29 PM on December 11, 2005

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