One Gentleman's Quest to Find His Goddess

June 25, 2009 1:22 PM

Mark is looking for his Goddess. From Mark's site: My Global Vision addresses and integrates a large number of disciplines. Its ultimate goal is to greatly reduce human suffering on planet Earth. It is deep, complex, and mind-boggling.

Here is its title and table of contents:

The Political Manifestation of World Peace and World Joy — A Grand "Symphony" to Be Performed by the Light Workers of Planet Earth.

• Transformation of Computers and the Computer Industry into the LIGHT.
• Transformation of Science into the LIGHT.
• Transformation of Health Care into the LIGHT.
• ...and so on and so forth.

posted by everichon (85 comments total)

Excellent use of CAPS and underlining.
posted by Mister_A at 1:24 PM on June 25, 2009

I'm astonished he isn't wearing a fedora.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:25 PM on June 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

But if you get to know me, I will make you laugh and laugh and laugh!
posted by everichon at 1:25 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm already laughing, and laughing and laughing.
posted by bunnycup at 1:29 PM on June 25, 2009 [7 favorites]

He don't dig no rock and roll.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:31 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Extremely brilliant. Extremely creative. Well educated. Renaissance Man. Wise.

Hmm.
posted by Mister_A at 1:31 PM on June 25, 2009

She is NOT a Scientologist.

Awesome. Yeah, you don't want to find yourself with a crazy person!
posted by Skot at 1:32 PM on June 25, 2009 [19 favorites]

Well, he knows what he wants. He wants a basketful of crazy. That's what he wants.
posted by Mojojojo at 1:32 PM on June 25, 2009

when I offer you flowers and gifts, you accept them graciously.... you should have empty vases in your home

this is odd and disturbing
posted by lukievan at 1:33 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

duncadunc, you didn't scroll down far enough.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:33 PM on June 25, 2009

It means if we are at a restaurant and I am hungry and you are busy talking, that when our food finally arrives you realize that YOU must take the first bite, and by ignoring your food as you keep yacking away you are making me starve!

Okay. So much for chivalry.



That brought the lulz.
posted by iconomy at 1:35 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

"She believes in the light-filled MAGIC of sacred sex. She wants to utilize this magic to manifest our Global Vision. She realizes that her sacred sexual union with me is crucial for manifesting the Global Vision. If she has been a prostitute, that is GOOD!! We can discuss it at length. I have written a book (not yet published) entitled, Resurrecting the Innocence in Prostitutes. Fascinating topic! And it's an important part of my Global Vision."

good gravy
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:36 PM on June 25, 2009

He really needs to stop having himself photographed in close-up.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:36 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

What I seek is an exquisite Love Dance in which my male role is to lead (as in ballroom dancing) and my Goddess's female role is to surrender in ecstasy.

I will also serve juice.
posted by jquinby at 1:37 PM on June 25, 2009 [10 favorites]

you should have empty vases in your home

this is odd and disturbing

Actually, an ex tells me that this is a normal social expectation in some places, and that she was specifically educated on it by a parent.
posted by grobstein at 1:37 PM on June 25, 2009

Is he this guy's dad, or what?
posted by Ladybug Parade at 1:37 PM on June 25, 2009

Her hair is her own and at least TO HER SHOULDERS. Alternatively, she is willing to grow her hair long for me and keep it long for me. No exceptions.

The irony.
posted by Go Banana at 1:39 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

But, in seriousness, this is just another Time-Cube-lookin'-for-love, right?
posted by grobstein at 1:39 PM on June 25, 2009

See also
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:40 PM on June 25, 2009

What is this business with "light workers"? Isn't that something Obama is said to be able to do?
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 1:41 PM on June 25, 2009

This has to be the most extensive, detailed order form for a Real Doll I've ever seen in my life.

Best of luck, you wonderful whackadoo ...
posted by EatTheWeak at 1:41 PM on June 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

Is he this guy's dad, or what?

Possibly. In that hat he ought to be this guy's brother.
creep. creep. creep.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:42 PM on June 25, 2009

Our civilization widely accepts that a distinction exists between the "material" and the "spiritual." On one extreme is the money-grubbing scoundrel, and on the other extreme is the humanitarian whose life is spent in selfless service. On one extreme is the person consumed with hatred, jealousy and greed, who constantly thinks about harming other people, and on the other extreme is the person whose mind is peaceful and quiet, and who unconditionally loves everyone.

Flawed premise is flawed.
posted by lazaruslong at 1:44 PM on June 25, 2009

Read this last night, was kind of hoping it would make its way here. So, those of you with some psychological book-learnin', what is this (clinically)? Unbridled narcissism?

The internet sure does allow people to let their freak flag fly in all kinds of specific, TMI kinds of ways, doesn't it.

This has to be the most extensive, detailed order form for a Real Doll I've ever seen in my life.

That's hilarious!
posted by LooseFilter at 1:45 PM on June 25, 2009

Taught high school chemistry and mathematics for LA Unified Schools, and also twice started my own private schools. Students and their parents love me, but the powers that be in education do not.

As a former ninth grader, I cannot imagine the unfolding glee of discovering our weird, pervy math teacher who kept trying to give the girls "self-esteem hugs" had a creepy Christian sex magic site and a get-rich-quick scheme to turn the internet into a Biblical Lisa Frank orgy.
posted by zoomorphic at 1:45 PM on June 25, 2009 [10 favorites]

I'm astonished he isn't wearing a fedora.

I'm so sick of the fedora hate. I don't look good in that many hats, OK? Just because I like to keep the sun off of my face doesn't mean I'm a giant douchebag.
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:46 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why do we not get a full length photo of his trim figure?
posted by amro at 1:47 PM on June 25, 2009

From Ladyug's link:

I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!

For some reason, that is the worst part of the whole wretched tale (for me).
posted by Mister_A at 1:49 PM on June 25, 2009

Christ Buddha what an asshole!
posted by RussHy at 1:50 PM on June 25, 2009

Oooh wow, the John Fitzgerald Page website is worth a visit just to get a look at his playlist.
posted by Mister_A at 1:51 PM on June 25, 2009

Oooh wow, the John Fitzgerald Page website is worth a visit just to get a look at his playlist.

Protip: use Page's playlist to kick off "Sexual Healing", then go back and re-read the OP website.
posted by jquinby at 1:52 PM on June 25, 2009

"Why do we not get a full length photo of his trim figure?"

you did...
posted by HuronBob at 1:52 PM on June 25, 2009

I was kind of surprised this wasn't stephen wolfram.
posted by phrontist at 1:54 PM on June 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

You know, I really, really want to introduce this guy to MaryRomantic.
posted by Skot at 1:54 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Divorced after 17-year marriage. I have three fabulous adult sons and golden relationships with each of them.

I'd be very interested to know what his ex-wife has to say about him.

I do NOT wish to control my Goddess. ... but:

Alternatively, if her waistline is ALMOST (but not quite) trim, she is willing to trim it down for me and keep it trim for me. No exceptions

Her hair is her own and at least TO HER SHOULDERS. Alternatively, she is willing to grow her hair long for me and keep it long for me. No exceptions.

So he doesn't want to control her, just tell her what to do and how to look.

This reminds me of Susan Hires a Boss, only more disturbing.
posted by andraste at 1:54 PM on June 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

I was going to make a joke about needing nude shots, but am afraid MrMoonPie will post them, and honestly, who does need that?

His email link doesn't seem to work though.

Also, I don't mind something like this at all. He's put thought into it, and has gotten out in front of what he wants, and any woman writing pretty much knows what she's getting into.

A bit nutty, sure, but timecube nutty? No way.

It beats the hell out of the 90% of match/eharmony profiles out there that don't give you enough information to know if you even want to waste time with the email.

I can't wait for the metatalk follow-up where someone links to his site and it's now a shine to his goddess (but mostly because I want to see a pic of her!).
posted by cjorgensen at 1:55 PM on June 25, 2009

This is the TimeCube guy, right?
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:55 PM on June 25, 2009

Jinx, dammit.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:56 PM on June 25, 2009

What I find most amusing about that John Fitzgerald Page website is how proud he is of all of those non-speaking, uncredited "some guy in the background" roles he's had in movies. Especially since he was often one of the casting assistants.
posted by JaredSeth at 1:56 PM on June 25, 2009

Yeah, I mean, how are you a casting assistant and working in M&A at the same time? Those are both day jobs.
posted by Mister_A at 1:59 PM on June 25, 2009

Fitgerald's modeling portfolio.
posted by Tchad at 2:00 PM on June 25, 2009

If she has been a prostitute, that is GOOD!!

Pretty much gives away the game right there, methinks.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 2:01 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

At this point, we will go back to my place, where I will prepare a dinner specially suited for one as lovely as you. While I am cooking the meal, we will talk about your life, your hopes, and your dreams. At this point, I will unthaw a deluxe bag of jumbo shrimp for you to sample as the appetizer.

There will also be cocktail sauce.

Finally, my dinner of lobster, shipped to me that morning in only the coldest of ice from the finest lobster region in all of Maine, will be completed and placed on the table. Along with the lobster will not only be melted butter, but also side dishes. Some of them will be corn, peas, and baked potato. When the meal is over, we will have dessert and coffee.

At this point, you will be so turned on by this night of dancing and lobster that you will be dying to sex me wild. But instead of taking you to my bedroom to knock boots, I will build your desire even more. I will do this by leading you to my living room, where I will light a fire and hand-feed you the finest strawberries available. If you do not enjoy strawberries, I will have other types of berries at my disposal that can be fed to you in a sexy manner. Between bites, I will offer you sips of champagne in a glass made specifically to maximize your champagne-drinking pleasure.

As much as you want to, you will no longer be able to control your desire. Neither will I. This is when I will lead you to my polar-bear-skin rug so we can do it all night long. You will cry for more, and you shall receive it. I will hit it until you can take no more.

- Smoove B, clearly Mark's brotha from anotha motha
posted by XMLicious at 2:03 PM on June 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Actually I was referring to the fact that he thinks it's a big deal that he got to sit in the background shots of movies he was helping to cast.
posted by JaredSeth at 2:04 PM on June 25, 2009

How can that guy be Jezebel's "Best Dressed Atlantan 2002"? He's exactly what Jezebel likes to tear up, no?
posted by dunkadunc at 2:08 PM on June 25, 2009

grobstein had alreadymade the timecube joke. I was just pointing out it's not THAT bad. And he does come off as an ass. It's kinda sad that he articulates some of his desires as expectations, but you know, if you get with a guy that says "No Fatties," in his profile (not that this guy said that) then you know exactly what kind of person you are going to get.

Everyone has some of these rules. I have a friend that won't date women taller than he is. I know women that won't date bald guys. Yeah, this makes 'em a bit shallow, but again, everyone has these ideals. He just needs an editor.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:08 PM on June 25, 2009

At first I thought this was a joke. "Willing, wanting, waiting".

Then I googled "The Angelic Realm of Intellectual Substance", which is in the copyright declaration.

I found this: Angelbase. Sure enough, there is an image of Veronica the angel- oh wait, I mean the Goddess. If you thought the goddess website was revelatory, read this website....

AngelBase unlocks the creativity in system users, and turns them from "slaves" of the system into "masters" of the system. This represents a profound cultural change that will affect and industry in a very big way. It will also change the way people feel about themselves. A master is happier than a slave.

Graduating from "slave" to "master" is a huge spiritual step that God wants everyone to take. AngelBase will enable this to happen for millions of people.

There's even a demo.

Searches for demos lead to the ZoomInfo of Mark Emerson. In June 2002, he gave a talk at UCLA about Angelbase.

That is all.
posted by honest knave at 2:09 PM on June 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Transformation of Computers and the Computer Industry into the LIGHT

Little does Mark know, but the FORCES OF DARKNESS inside the Computer Industry have already anticipated his upcoming technical innovation and have begun working to destroy it. Yes, Mark is possibly the greatest, most intelligent Software Developer/Global Visionary on the planet, and he has none other than God on his side. His invention could transform the Computer Industry, and eventually life itself, into a UTOPIA, which of course would be bad for business. That is why we must act quickly to be certain that it never becomes a reality. As we speak, GOOGLE and MICROSOFT employees are repeating the incantations and performing the ritual sacrifices necessary to strike fear into the hearts of his potential investors. I could go on, but I fear I've said too much already.
posted by burnmp3s at 2:10 PM on June 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Internet life is cruel to people who suffer from this problem, as it both enables their inappropriately strong urge to expose themselves to a wide audience and provides an excellent medium for the rest of us (the smart ones...er, well the audience, anyway) in which to cyber-mock them.
posted by $0up at 2:11 PM on June 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

"You are the GIRL. Chivalry is about you allowing me to HONOR the girl in you. This means you let ME walk on the street side of the sidewalk, and you let ME open all doors for you (including when you are exiting from my car). It means you let ME decide where I would like to take you (e.g. what restaurant, what concert, what hotel, etc.), and when I tell you where I would like to take you, you tell me your FEELINGS with the understanding that if I sense that you are uncomfortable or disappointed with my offer, then I will change it because my goal is to make you HAPPY."

There will also be corn served.
posted by Ratio at 2:11 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

[Smoove B reference goes here]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:14 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Internet life is cruel to people who suffer from this problem

That's great. I was hoping for some kind of unifying handle for this genre of website. I know we have posted others similar to Mark's, and would be genuinely interested in less LOLzy examinations of what's going on besides "zomg batshit".

I do love the lulz, though.
posted by everichon at 2:17 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

He also provides expert support for overworked attorneys.
posted by gubo at 2:21 PM on June 25, 2009

My first guru was an incredible high school physics teacher who loved me unconditionally...

You don't say!
posted by katillathehun at 2:23 PM on June 25, 2009

THIS IS THE CRAZIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER READ.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

*jumps into Christmas tree*
posted by peggynature at 2:33 PM on June 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Wait, is that George Bluth? It could be Oscar.
posted by padraigin at 2:41 PM on June 25, 2009

A related critique.
posted by maxwelton at 3:05 PM on June 25, 2009 [5 favorites]

If Sharper Image produced a special catalogue to cut into the market share of those New Age rock-and-crystal shops and chose to distribute it exclusively in the foyers of megachurches, I bet it'd read something like this.
posted by gompa at 3:07 PM on June 25, 2009

Putting aside the initial cringe factor, I tend to view these HereMyFreakFlagWaves.com things as exercises in copywriting-- that is, we shouldn't attempt to infer much at all about how this guy really thinks... only that by spewing buzzwords of Set X, within the narrative frame Y, he's testing the idea that a woman Goddess of certain qualities...

or a woman of other, or even contrary qualities, who for some reason enjoys or needs to identify with the woman he describes...

or who is angered by the image, but somehow intrigued by it...

will appear.

We don't even know what sort of women he thinks actually will appear-- we're just reading the bait.
posted by darth_tedious at 3:22 PM on June 25, 2009

Does this read like a Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap label to anyone else?
posted by corey flood at 3:23 PM on June 25, 2009

I "like" this website, everichon. "Thank you" for "posting" "it".
posted by athenian at 4:02 PM on June 25, 2009

What are the earth changing patents he talks about?
posted by mdoar at 4:21 PM on June 25, 2009

Another White Magic® nutball, too bad Annie Besant has been dead for years, they'd be perfect for each other.
posted by doctor_negative at 4:53 PM on June 25, 2009

"Destiny Support."

I could use some of that.
posted by MsElaineous at 4:58 PM on June 25, 2009

I had my application e-mail halfway typed out until I ran into this
Okay. So much for chivalry. Now I need to warn you that three extremely popular things are not a part of my life:
Rock Music. I dislike rock music. I came of age in the 1960s and never liked it. It saps my energy and turns me off.
. . .
Pets. I love all animals and they love me. Indeed, as a vegetarian, I am in no way responsible for their slaughter. I even catch indoor bugs and release them outdoors. But I'm not a pet person. Physical contact with animals (especially dogs) drains my energy.

dammit!!
posted by rubah at 5:18 PM on June 25, 2009

She must also own a HIGHLY intelligent and DEEPLY spiritual PONY.
posted by ...possums at 6:07 PM on June 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

Y'all really need to take a gander at honestknave's angelbase link.

The LOLCrazyPerson thing is always unbecoming. LOLCrazyParadigmChangingSoftware is pretty good, though.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:59 PM on June 25, 2009

I'm astonished he isn't wearing a fedora.

But he is!
posted by Electrius at 7:00 PM on June 25, 2009

If you do not enjoy strawberries, I will have other types of berries at my disposal that can be fed to you in a sexy manner.

Is it wrong that I mentally read those passages in the voice of Zapp Branigan?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:29 PM on June 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

Oh. Fuck. Angelbase. I think my paradigm shifted.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:42 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

I looked at the demo and I still couldn't get what it was about (or how it was revolutionary). User-definable forms that access a database? That doesn't sound that revolutionary.
posted by dunkadunc at 7:48 PM on June 25, 2009

I looked at the demo and I still couldn't get what it was about (or how it was revolutionary).

I read his patent, and no, it's not very revolutionary. He takes an RDBMS and slaps a Microsoft Bob style conceptual gloss on it. Sadly, it does not talk about how humans are turned into light, so that will have to remain a mystery.
posted by cmonkey at 10:08 PM on June 25, 2009

There is precedent for scaring up such a goddess. It is somewhat more complicated than placing a personal ad.
posted by Scram at 2:03 AM on June 26, 2009

Needs more pictures of Mark.
posted by Mental Wimp at 5:01 AM on June 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh, and I think he's using the word "vision" not in the usual way (emphasis added):

With God (and if my karma proves good enough), I will find some degree success with my huge vision. If not, I will at least have enjoyed the adventure of daring to go for it.

Why am I sharing this Global Vision with you? Because it tells you a whole lot about who I am. I am a man who DARES to dream the impossible dream, and who DARES to devote his life to realizing it. I am seeking a woman who LOVES my vision and WANTS to be my intimate partner in the adventure of going for it, whether we succeed or fail.

posted by Mental Wimp at 5:08 AM on June 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

I read his patent, and no, it's not very revolutionary. He takes an RDBMS and slaps a Microsoft Bob style conceptual gloss on it. Sadly, it does not talk about how humans are turned into light, so that will have to remain a mystery.

No, you guys, you wont understand his revolution until he changes all the HARDWARE we are currently running on. Once the computers themselves have been sprinkled with angel dust (the magical kind, altho maybe he will just use some PCP) you will see what he's talking about.
posted by cbecker333 at 10:32 AM on June 26, 2009

I think I've seen John Fitzgerald Page out and about town. What a narcissist! The thing that really gets me is the merchandise page:

• Wedding Date: Be like Debra Messing! Available for high school reunions, weddings, formals, soirees, balls, fundraisers, proms (18+), galas, red carpet/charity events, office parties, etc. $149.99 for 1/2 day, $249.99 a day (plus expenses).
• Autographed DVD's: Pick any movie from my "Movie Posters" page. Make sure your pause button is in good working order... $24.99.
• Autographs: I doubt Bin Laden, Hitler or Stalin would come cheaper. $19.99.
• Action Figure: Comes with martini glass, tux, Hot (or Not) Wheels BMW convertible, braces, Ivy League diploma, mirror, Mensa/SAG card, weights. (Bachelor Pad sold separately). $49.99.

Mark just seems sad, deluded, and lonely, a bit like Peter Pan without the snazzy outfit. John makes me glad I can largely avoid the Buckhead crowd and attendant egos.
posted by notashroom at 11:50 AM on June 26, 2009

"Oh, and I think he's using the word "vision" not in the usual way"

Perhaps not. I think he wants a Goddess to suck his vision, his HUGE Global VISION.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:51 AM on June 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

He takes an RDBMS and slaps a Microsoft Bob style conceptual gloss on it.

It's a Ponzi scheme. Go to the main front page. I'm betting that the only thing that the RDBMS is for is to keep track of your downstream line.

Sadly, it does not talk about how humans are turned into light, so that will have to remain a mystery.

That part happens after you're caught out with no paying downstream people and you burst into an incandescent rage, spontaneously combusting.

Shit, my wallet was right here next to the computer. All I did is go visit that... site... HEY, FUCKO GIVE IT BACK.
posted by loquacious at 12:03 PM on June 26, 2009

She does not have too many unwelcome thoughts, nor does she experience a lot of "mental chatter"—her mind is fairly quiet... for some of the time, anyway.

AKA: "Women are at, best, dullwitted creatures, best kept sedated and well dressed, rather like small obedient children. Too much chatter can only lead to confusion and hysteria."

Funny how much Goddesses and idealized slaves have in common, eh?
posted by yeloson at 12:48 PM on June 26, 2009

She QUESTIONS so-called "authority" and HATES the concept of "blind obedience to authority." She is appalled by the results of the famous Milgram Experiment in psychology which show that "normal" people will intentionally inflict what they believe is torture on another person simply because an "authority" figure instructed them to do so.

Says the man making demands on women as instructed by God.
posted by yeloson at 12:58 PM on June 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

I kind of wish he'd find this thread. I'm betting Mark could write a really special sort of jilted, embarrassed rebuttal to all this snarking. A lot if it would be underlined. We would surely be accused of lacking the enlightenment to grasp his GLOBAL VISION. In fact, I'm kind of surprised he hasn't. Dude absolutely strikes me as the type to camp his own traffic analysis window and thoroughly research any and all referrals.

Then again, he wrote a personal ad with a table of contents - he clearly doesn't understand how the interwebs work.

Come on, Mark! We're being pretty damn anti-spiritual here. How is your Goddess to buy your boast of ABSOLUTE PROTECTION when you let MeFi get away with all these lulz?
posted by EatTheWeak at 3:53 AM on June 27, 2009

Cracks me up that he embeds his email

[e-mail]

in a jpeg to make it more difficult to send him an email. That's right, goddesses, no cutting and pasting; you've got to want him so bad, you have to type in his email. Ladies, I'm just trying to help.
posted by Mental Wimp at 4:38 AM on June 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

I feel pretty sorry for people like this, honestly.
posted by agregoli at 7:34 PM on June 27, 2009

needs penis pics.
posted by paultopia at 3:43 PM on June 28, 2009