da mystery of music criticism

August 13, 2011 5:04 PM

Jay-Z and Kanye West collaboration Watch the Throne, as reviewed by Ghostface Killah. Words: they are not minced.
posted by nthdegx (60 comments total)

This shit sounds like the anthem the fairies in Ferngully would use to go to war against evil humans to or some shit b. This shit is like Shia LeBeouf in song form yo.

I hereby proclaim this man king of the internets.
posted by elizardbits at 5:08 PM on August 13, 2011 [43 favorites]

Sade jus holla’d on twitter to say this shit is soft as fuck namsayin.

Ouch.
posted by nathancaswell at 5:10 PM on August 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

I found it kind of lazy writing, no so much for the forced vernacular spelling, that's alright... but just the sheer repetition, but perhaps that's just a byproduct of the large product. Does have a few fun bit in there.

All in all been hearing a fair bit of negative press about this album
posted by edgeways at 5:12 PM on August 13, 2011

Words: they are not spelled out either.

That was painful to attempt to read.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:12 PM on August 13, 2011

Can someone more knowledgeable tell me is ghostface killah actually wrote this? It seems to come from here
posted by Ad hominem at 5:14 PM on August 13, 2011 [3 favorites]

"That was painful to attempt to read."

Agreed. He should probably ask Yale for his money back.
posted by nthdegx at 5:14 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

That just blew my mind. His review of "Made In America (ft. Frank Ocean)" may be the greatest music criticism ever. I love it when he talks about Drake. That being said, if you go through everything he says, then how in the world is he arriving at his final conclusion which is, "Anyways I give this shit a solid 4 Zeus slaps namsayin."

Are 4 Zeus slaps a lot? I'm assuming it's out of a maximum 5 Zeus slaps? His review reads more like the upper bound is 10 Zeus slaps, not 5, so help me out here. He does or does not like this album?

I am absolutely one of the ones who in a week has the whole thing memorized. I can't get enough of Lift Off, actually. I feel like an idiot, though, after reading this for liking any of the songs, but I can't help it. I feel like my brain has a Kanye West footprint in it, and I just seem to love everything he does.
posted by scunning at 5:16 PM on August 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

that's not ghostface in actuality

also, WTT sucks.
posted by the mad poster! at 5:19 PM on August 13, 2011 [5 favorites]

Ad hominem wrote, "Can someone more knowledgeable tell me is ghostface killah actually wrote this? It seems to come from here."

Interesting. The commenters make several allusions to the fact that this isn't the real GFK. I'm thinking it must not be.
posted by scunning at 5:19 PM on August 13, 2011

the greatest music criticism ever.

Yeah, because when I look for great music criticism, I look for layers and layers of homophobia.
posted by rodgerd at 5:20 PM on August 13, 2011 [3 favorites]

You do know that's not really Ghost right? He does a good impression though. His breakdown on why Lil B is ruining the rap game was pretty good.
posted by milarepa at 5:20 PM on August 13, 2011

that's not ghostface in actuality

Ahha. Good. I did wonder since a) I don't think anyone as visible as he is would be quite so vocal in his criticism of his peers, especially certain RZA output, and b) it is, in parts funny
posted by nthdegx at 5:21 PM on August 13, 2011

You do know that's not really Ghost right? He does a good impression though. His breakdown on why Lil B is ruining the rap game was pretty good.

Shame. I'd actually be really interested in hip hop criticism from actual artists rather than the usual rock/pop critics.
posted by Think_Long at 5:22 PM on August 13, 2011

The last thing that made me laugh until I was breathless was his disquisition on personal hygiene.
posted by Trurl at 5:23 PM on August 13, 2011 [4 favorites]

The Ghostface Killah character on rapsandhustles.com has been linked before on MeFi, and debunked through Twitter. It's not actually GK doing the reviewing here, namsayin, just some reviewer who thinks the dude talks funny and would slag all up in public like dat.
posted by carsonb at 5:27 PM on August 13, 2011 [4 favorites]

Ahha. Good. I did wonder since a) I don't think anyone as visible as he is would be quite so vocal in his criticism of his peers, especially certain RZA output, and b) it is, in parts funny

You don't think Ghostface is funny?? He has the most hilarious hip hop ad libs of all time. No one even comes close.
posted by milarepa at 5:28 PM on August 13, 2011

Ayo Christopher Cross just flagged me over in the carbonated drinks aisle at Whole Foods to tell me that Jay-Z 'n' Kanye got the the softest mutharf*kking fans in the game right now, nah mean?
posted by 2bucksplus at 5:31 PM on August 13, 2011 [6 favorites]

The comments below the review linked me to this piece, which is arguably much better.


THIS BEAT IS COOL, THIS SONG KINDA SUCKS B, JAY HAD A DOPE VERSE, KANYE NEED TO DEAD THAT DRAKE "IMA STRETCH THIS LIIIIIIIIIIINE OOOOOUUUUUT" FLOW HE USED IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS SONG.
posted by reductiondesign at 5:41 PM on August 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

She-it!

(Golly!)
posted by hal9k at 5:51 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

"You don't think Ghostface is funny??"

I don't, no, but I'm willing to concede that's a reflection on me rather than him. I don't personally award extra humour points for ad libs in rap (because really, they're almost never ad libbed). Then again, I don't listen to rap music for laughs. It generally needs to be passed through a cultural prism for me to find it funny, anyway.
posted by nthdegx at 6:02 PM on August 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

I am sad now. I wish the real Ghostface would write a review. :(
posted by cavalier at 6:21 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Flagged as SOOOOOOOOOooooo
posted by cashman at 6:28 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

I don't, no

Open your ears, man!
posted by milarepa at 6:28 PM on August 13, 2011

Example?
posted by nthdegx at 6:40 PM on August 13, 2011

Soft as baby thighs.
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:40 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: Shit sounds like niggas doin aerobics on a magical cloud of daisies.
posted by Naberius at 6:42 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Here's a thing he actually did write, though: Ghostface shower tips.
posted by ignignokt at 6:45 PM on August 13, 2011 [4 favorites]

4. Otis (ft. Otis Redding) – First off they need to not be actin like Otis Redding is a “featured” artist on this shit. Since when do niggas sample a dude n then call that shit a feature...

5. Gotta Have It ...This shit also got The Godfather of Soul’s voice all over it…but they aint put “featuring James Brown” on the tracklist for some reason. Guess they missed that one.

That's pretty good.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:48 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Don't wash your nuts and then wash your face. You feel me! You goin' backwards. A lot of y'all niggas ain't know that shit! Nah mean."

Anyone else pondering the research methodology?
posted by nthdegx at 6:54 PM on August 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

aight
posted by clavdivs at 7:11 PM on August 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

So this is written by a white guy pretending to be black, yeah?
posted by empath at 7:28 PM on August 13, 2011

"the Joy" Is one of the first Kanye productions I've really enjoyed in years.


Yeah, because when I look for great music criticism, I look for layers and layers of homophobia.

Yeah, I know....but cmon: "This shit sounds like two niggas hang glidin over the ocean together at sunset holdin hands son"

Homophobic or not, that's pretty funny.
posted by Hoopo at 7:31 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

i actually really like this album. it doesn't have the world-conquering ambition of MBDTF, but it's a collection of pretty good pop songs with phenomenal production from the two biggest egos in music, and that's all i could ask for
posted by JimBennett at 7:36 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Shame. I'd actually be really interested in hip hop criticism from actual artists rather than the usual rock/pop critics.

I think this is otherwise known as "hip hop".
posted by brennen at 8:30 PM on August 13, 2011 [5 favorites]

Juss yew fuggas way'll us Ozziez star toipin loik we torkenshi.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:38 PM on August 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

How many meadows did Kanye cartwheel across before he decided to make this beat? Seriously yo…. Jus how many lily pads did the nigga skip across the pond on before he got inspired to make some shit like this?

Can we claim this as the birth of Uplifting Hip-Hop (like Uplifting Trance)? Or at least a prime example? No? OK, I still like the imagery in the review.


Ooh, good! Now I can drop my views on this album. In short: it's fucking ridiculous, and I'm still not sure if that's a good thing. Probably not, unless you're a fan of pop-rap. There's some throwbacks to the early 2000s with the first track, something I felt like Will Smith would pop up at any minute. Then there's the "ethnic" chanting loop with James Brown in the Neptunes produced track -- knowing it's The Neptunes now makes sense. Creative, but a weird fit next to everything else.

Wait, wait, wait ... did they auto-tune Nina Simone? Singing new day? NINA FUCKING SIMONE? OK, you're all dead to me. But then there are the lyrics: Kanye's life is so damned hard, growing up a black thug who scares white people.

And I’ll never let my son have an ego
He’ll be nice to everyone, wherever we go
I mean I might even make him be Republican
So everybody know he love white people
...
And I’ll never let him ever hit the telethon
I mean even if people dyin’ and the world ends
See, I just want him to have an easy life

That's a new spin on "it's hard being a player." First World Problems, Rap Star edition. WTF.

That's My Bitch features what could have been parts of an older house track James Brown and "Apache"? Edgy as f**k). But why drop in the vocal clip from La Roux? Seriously, her gift is not her vocal abilities. Ooh, and then there's Bon Iver (Justin Vernon) on the track. Flown out to Hawaii for a 15 second clip? You could Skype that shit.

Oh, wait, there's more. The near dubstep track (probably because it samples a dubstep tune .. mind = blown): Who Gon Stop Me, "This is something like the Holocaust, millions of our people lost." Wait, what about the Holocaust? Did you just drop that as a rhyme and leave it at that? WTF, again.

Hat tip for sampling a Romanian duo, Indiggo, but sampling Cassius? It's a good joint and all, but it came out last year - are you trying to grab more street blog-cred?

If you check out the deluxe edition (w/full credits), then things get surreal. Illest Motherfucker Alive talks about needing a slow motion video, and then the operatic background vocals drop. H.A.M. is not hard as a motherfucker, it actually ups the operatics a few notches. Sure, opera can be intense, but this is a weird, weird mix.

Primetime samples some sweet piano loop, but the lyrics? Here are some key moments:

Well, Adam gave up a rib so mine better be prime
...
It’s like the best damn champagne I had in my life
“When you coming home” That’s a text from my wife
I told her, run a bubble bath
And float in that mother***er like a hovercraft
And soak in that mother***er til I call you back
I mean who says sh*t like that, and doesn’t laugh (un-huh)

How many times can someone drop "hovercraft" in a verse? At least he's not taking it seriously.

And the final track? Nice samples, but the lyrics. Oh, the lyrics...

taking refills of that plan B pill
another shorty that won’t make it to the family will
If I don’t make it, can’t take it, hope the family will
they aint crazy they don’t know how insanity feel
Don C just had a shorty so it’s not that bad
but I still hear the ghosts of the kids I never had

Did you just drop a pro-life rhyme? Are you a lapsed Catholic? And this is your closing track? Damn.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:54 PM on August 13, 2011 [5 favorites]

yes, many rappers are 'christian' because of their background and Kanye is relating his pro-life concern there. The Joy is the best track on the album. And Kanye's lines on New Day are clearly about his struggles with his race in the mainstream (they said they didn't want him on the Haiti telethon cause he was too controversial, and the George Bush thing), how on earth are you going to pick the ONLY good lines on the album as the 'bad' ones?
posted by the mad poster! at 9:04 PM on August 13, 2011

The Joy excerpt rephrased:

"my girl is on birth control which means I don't have the potential kids from our relationship inheriting my money. If I die I can't take my money with my so I hope my family benefits. Those other people claiming they're crazy don't know what real insanity is like. My friend Don C just had a kid so I guess having kids can be ok, and I think about the kids I didn't yet have."

It's not a "pro life" rhyme it's quick musings about the whole concept of fatherhood, generational transfer and offsprings in general
posted by the mad poster! at 9:18 PM on August 13, 2011 [4 favorites]

That's My Bitch features what could have been parts of an older house track James Brown and "Apache"? Edgy as f**k)

It's mainstream hip hop, it hasn't been edgy in 20 years. Also I like the "Apache" break, if that got incorporated into as many tracks as auto-tune does I'd start buying hip hop albums again.

Look at me, standing up for Kanye and Jay-Z. I'm not even a big fan and I don't like what I've heard of this album, but seriously you can't knock someone for using James Brown and the Apache break on a hip hop album. So big deal, they're not rapping on dubstep...

...which the drummer from Napalm Death has producing since the mid-90s, kids, I was bumpin that when you were still wetting the bed so don't act like I don't know just because I like old school.
posted by Hoopo at 9:27 PM on August 13, 2011

9. Who Gon Stop Me – Now THIS shit is a problem yo. When it started the god was like ok cool….you kno…I was enjoyin it….the bassline was soundin like a lion growlin n shit. There wasa ill mood to it. Im diggin the joint namsayin….but then it starts really transformin into a monster after a couple minutes….n its like yo…we got a serious contender for best song on the album now. By the middle it sounds like niggas is drivin Lamborghinis around in the studio n drums is hittin like automatic weapons. I love this track son.

Whoever wrote it, they got this one right—Who Gon Stop Me
posted by Mike Mongo at 9:35 PM on August 13, 2011

that song got a lot better at about 2:11. I could do without the pig Latin rhymes though. Rapping in pig Latin, then pointing out "...that's pig Latin!" is kinda the epitome of why I wish Kanye would stick to production.
posted by Hoopo at 9:48 PM on August 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

the mad poster! - thanks for the re-write, that makes sense.

Hoopo - point.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:49 PM on August 13, 2011

Yeah not Ghost, and I don't agree with him, but still hilarious
posted by dapperkoala at 10:17 PM on August 13, 2011

Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like...
posted by anarch at 10:26 PM on August 13, 2011

This might be funny if it wasn't fake.
posted by delmoi at 10:30 PM on August 13, 2011

Juss yew fuggas way'll us Ozziez star toipin loik we torkenshi.

About a quarter to eleven.
posted by xedrik at 10:52 PM on August 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

YOU might be funny if YOU weren't fake.
posted by Hoopo at 12:51 AM on August 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

Alot of 'ghosts' insults make me want to buy the record. so you're saying its like hip hop yacht rock? You sure? Ok brb going to Sam goody. Sam goody doesn't exist anymore? What about Tower? Good question, I actually grew this beard overnight, which is weird.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:15 AM on August 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

his disquisition on personal hygiene

Yeah ya niggas walkin' around here with mad crust in your eyes n shit nigga.
Make sure you clean that shit, man.
Nobody wanna see ya lil'… rotten-ass face. Yuno wat I meen?
That white shit all in the fuckin' cornah of ya eye, man?
Get that up outta there, man.
Thas not nice, man.
Thas not a good look fo you.
You feel me?
Get that shit up outtta there, man.
Ya too old fa that shit, man.
Ya niggas actin' like y'all five yeas old, man.
Ya niggas g stop suckin' yah thumb, too.
Ya niggas.
Word up, man.
I see ya niggas, man.
I talkin' to ya niggas, man.
Word.

Yeh ya niggas got yo.
I'm telln' y'all, man.
When ya gettup in the mornin', man.
Don't just brush ya teeth, man.
Scrub ya tongue, man.
Scrub that fuckin' halitosis off that fuckin' tongue of yours, man.
Word up.
This is real talk, right here, man.
Tony from New York, man.
Scrub ya tongue, man.
That's where all your bad breath… your lil' fuckin' corroded bacteria be runnin' around, tap-dancin' on ya fuckin' tongue-at-night, son.
Word up. Yunowa I mean?
Dried up food, nigga!
Niggas got that food-tongue, man.
Wake up, mouth smellin' like shit, son. Yunowa I mean?
Cause its all in yo fuckin' mouth, son.
Its growin' on that shit! Yunowa I mean?
Scrub that shit, son.
Put some toothpaste on that shit.
Brush ya teeth an scrub ya tongue, man.
Scrubs ya lips, all that shit.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:21 AM on August 14, 2011

Fake Ghostface needs to get back to work on Doomstarks.
posted by box at 8:59 AM on August 14, 2011

Brush ya teeth an scrub ya tongue
Brush ya teeth an scrub ya tongue
Brush ya teeth an scrub ya tongue
posted by lazaruslong at 9:26 AM on August 14, 2011

I know that a rapper called Rhymefest ghost wrote a lot of Kanye's lyrics on his first two albums. Perhaps Kanye sent him away, and his own lackluster rhyming skills are now on display.
posted by reenum at 12:16 PM on August 14, 2011

I just read much of that review in the voice of Bricktop, from the film Snatch. It still works.
posted by hanoixan at 12:36 PM on August 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am very grateful for this link.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:47 PM on August 14, 2011

This was physically difficult for me to read.
posted by fizzzzzzzzzzzy at 1:47 PM on August 14, 2011

His breakdown on why Lil B is ruining the rap game was pretty good.

I believe the record will show that Lil B brought back rap; Lil B is rap.
posted by eddydamascene at 3:00 PM on August 14, 2011

reenum: also Consequence
posted by the mad poster! at 5:17 PM on August 14, 2011

Knowing that it's fake sucks most of the joy out of this for me; and yet, "Shia LeBeouf in song form" remains a truly great insult.
posted by moss at 7:42 PM on August 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

If I had to guess Id say its probably Wyclef’s favorite song on the album tho.

This is brilliant in so many ways. Well, fine, two ways. But it's still hilarious.
posted by 1adam12 at 8:24 PM on August 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

This was physically difficult for me to read.

Did you print it out on stock that was way too heavy and thereby exhaust your forearms in the reading? Or maybe the scroll wheel on your mouse has way too much resistance, making the scrolling prohibitively tiring? Maybe your monitor's brightness is cranked a bit high and pains your eyes?
posted by kingbenny at 8:47 AM on August 15, 2011 [1 favorite]