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I'd Like Some More Mondelez with Cheese, Please!
March 23, 2012 7:44 AM   Subscribe

Legendary Food Company Plans to Rebrand Itself
posted by Renoroc (147 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
A corporation, legendary, really? Maybe in the sense that Sauron was legendary perhaps.
posted by JHarris at 7:47 AM on March 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


In my day, Nissans were called Datsuns!

And we wore onions on our belts. Which was the style at the time...
posted by Trurl at 7:47 AM on March 23, 2012 [27 favorites]


All this 100th anniversary of Oreos stuff is really making me miss Hydrox.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:47 AM on March 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Oh for f*ck's sake.
posted by valkyryn at 7:48 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Although Kraft evokes a certain 1980's level of latchkey kid malnutrition in my mind (as does Hamburger Helper and Frosted Flakes), "Mondaleeeez cheeez and macaroni" kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?
posted by hanoixan at 7:49 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Tfark remains the more pronounceable name.
posted by TwelveTwo at 7:49 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Trurl: "In my day, Nissans were called Datsuns!

Datsun is coming back!
posted by octothorpe at 7:50 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Mondelez, Mondelez!
posted by IndigoJones at 7:51 AM on March 23, 2012


Mondalez sounds like a drag queen.

Though, personally, I'd much rather have a fun drag queen in my house than disgusting Kraft Cheese & Macaroni. Kraft, you nasty.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:52 AM on March 23, 2012 [13 favorites]


Eh, at least it's not "Yum Brands".
posted by aramaic at 7:53 AM on March 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


And so the proliferation of syllables continues.
posted by jquinby at 7:54 AM on March 23, 2012


Mondalez Cheesefood would be a good drag name.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:54 AM on March 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


"Mondelēz" sounds like one of those fake South/Central American countries you set a violent action movie in so you don't get yelled at by the Colombian tourism board.
posted by griphus at 7:54 AM on March 23, 2012 [55 favorites]


But kraft means power!
posted by ob at 7:56 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Greetings and welcome to Fancy Food For Smart And Attractive People! My my my you are looking very pleased with your purchase today, as well you should, for all Fancy Food For Smart And Attractive People products are only bought by Smart and Attractive peoples who enjoy the rich variety and comfortable price point of Fancy Food. Try a free sample of Assured Fertility Cake or my favorite, I Have Enough Money Snax Pack!
posted by The Whelk at 7:57 AM on March 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


And one consolation for consumers is that they probably won’t have to pronounce it: Mondelēz is simply the corporate brand. The consumer names, from Cadbury to Oreo, will remain intact.

Legendary Food Company Wastes Money And Time Doing Something Irrelevant.
posted by nathancaswell at 7:57 AM on March 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


Kraft is such a simple and recognizable brand and Mondelēz is such an opaquely stupid and terrible name that there is no doubt in my mind that this is an extremely complex April Fool's Day joke.

This isn't New Coke. This is like if Coca-Cola decided to change their name to Rumpelstiltskin. Why? Because rebranding.
posted by Plutor at 7:58 AM on March 23, 2012 [17 favorites]


“The higher purpose is to make today delicious,” says Mitchell, no trace of irony in his voice.

Do business journals usually wink at the reader this way? It's a little weird given their audience.
posted by invitapriore at 7:58 AM on March 23, 2012


In other news, Corn Products International, a leading maker of high fructose corn styrup, is changing its name to Ingredion.

Because why not name your company something from a sci-fi dystopia? As a bonus, the middle syllable sounds like "greed"!
posted by mullacc at 7:58 AM on March 23, 2012 [36 favorites]


Delicious Mondeleeza Rice.
posted by mkb at 8:00 AM on March 23, 2012 [34 favorites]


If you have to spend 500 words explaining how to pronounce your new name, I submit that the new name has a hard road ahead of it.

Apparently the languages that use the macron natively are: Serbo-Croatian, Macedonian, Slovene, Bulgarian, Latvian, Lithuanian, Hawaiian, Māori, Tongan and Samoan.
posted by bonehead at 8:00 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wow, so much worry about the pronunciation, and not a lick (don't blame 'em) about ACTUAL PRODUCT KWALITY...
I'm no high-powered executive, but let me try to solve a non-existent problem. To emphasize the correct pronunciation, they should initiate a bold new RICE marketing campaign, and work out a sweet endorsement deal with the former Secretary of State, which would in turn draw heavy foreign investments from smitten despots.
On preview, DAMN...mkb beat me to it...
posted by obscurator at 8:01 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


“The higher purpose is to make today delicious,” says Mitchell, no trace of irony in his voice.

That's because it was surgically removed as part of his contract.
posted by griphus at 8:02 AM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Do business journals usually wink at the reader this way? It's a little weird given their audience.

I'm not sure it's so much winking as a quiet eulogy for a soul.
posted by JHarris at 8:02 AM on March 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


Datsun is coming back!

Tha's awesome!
posted by Trurl at 8:03 AM on March 23, 2012


Legendary German electronic music pioneers decline to follow suit.
posted by Wolfdog at 8:03 AM on March 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


I give 'em three weeks before embarrassed backtracking. I'd say two, but a bureaucracy that large takes time to turn around.
posted by echo target at 8:05 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Though, personally, I'd much rather have a fun drag queen in my house than disgusting Kraft Cheese & Macaroni. Kraft, you nasty.

I agree, it is no Velveeta Shells & Cheese when it comes to cheesy pasta comfort food, but it does make great filler in a number of great comfort-food casseroles. And yes, I realize that I am dismissing the quality of it's "nutritional" value...

Fun fact: for much of my childhood, I didn't know "cheese and noodles" could be made minus the cream of mushroom soup and tuna. It totally blew my mind one day when I was at a friends' house and his mom prepared us some mac & cheese as per the instructions on the package. Also, when made in that style, I totally agree with you that it is pretty bad.
posted by mysterpigg at 8:07 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Say Mondelēz! Mondelēz Industries!"
posted by obscurator at 8:08 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Metafilter neon orange and salty.
posted by codacorolla at 8:08 AM on March 23, 2012


I have never understood the purpose of rebranding for rebranding's sake. I mean, I get changing the name of a company when it wants to distance itself from terrible things it has done, or due to buyouts or mergers, but rebranding for no apparent reason seems.... counterproductive, I guess?
posted by elizardbits at 8:09 AM on March 23, 2012


I guess I'll have to pick up a case of Kraft Dinner boxes before they become expensive collectors' items. Who would have thought?
posted by i_have_a_computer at 8:09 AM on March 23, 2012


For Kraft spokesman Michael Mitchell, “Tfark” is a personal favorite. “I’m not sure what it means,” says Mitchell. “I just liked the way it sounds.”

It doesn't mean anything, it's Kraft backwards you twat.
posted by jontyjago at 8:11 AM on March 23, 2012 [51 favorites]


The pronunciation concerns amuse me, but I like dark comedy. You just know there's going to be Kmroanfdtalez employees whose blood pressure actually rises each time their corporate name gets pronounced in a prescriptively incorrect way.

Tangential: I was once at a panel presentation by representatives from several videogame companies, ranging from smallish/"indie" (TellTale games at the time) to middling (Cryptic) to newly-huge (Ubisoft). At some point during audience questions, some innocent fellow asked something about some Ubisoft product. Such and such from "oo bee soft." The Ubisoft rep shot back with a tone of utter snotty contempt "Actually it's YOU bee soft!" And you could see in her eyes the moment it came out that she hadn't meant it to sound that way, but it sounding that way was honest.

I foresee similar scenes for representatives of The Corporate Entity Formerly Known as Kraft in the future when they lose control of their public-facing tone.
posted by Drastic at 8:11 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Anyone who likes the way "Tfark" sounds when you apply it to a food item should be locked in a cellar for the good of mankind.
posted by griphus at 8:12 AM on March 23, 2012


That's a neat article, although I wish it delved farther into the executive-level discussions. That could be the really interesting part, in a "how sausages are made" sense, of what's otherwise a typical story. Executives sit down in an attempt to fix something that isn't broken, and an hour later somehow they've managed to smash the vase on the table and break the nice statute that was in the corner and spill paint on their slacks.
posted by cribcage at 8:12 AM on March 23, 2012 [14 favorites]


why would you oppress the swedish chef like that

you monster
posted by elizardbits at 8:13 AM on March 23, 2012


I mean, I get changing the name of a company when it wants to distance itself from
terrible things it has done, or due to buyouts or mergers, but rebranding for no apparent reason seems


Kraft is splitting into two companies, the snack business (Mondelez) and a grocery products business.
posted by mullacc at 8:13 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think tfark is the sound made post-digestion.
posted by arcticseal at 8:15 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ha! Now my Mandelēz brand of salty neon orange potato leek soup will make me billions!
posted by Blasdelb at 8:15 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


At least they didn't go down the path Sara Lee did. Last year, they announced plans to split into two companies: one for their North American retail business and the other for their international beverage business, but didn't come up with a name for the two spinoffs in advance, so they just called the two chunks MeatCo and CoffeeCo with the caveat they were "temporary names". Months later they're /still/ MeatCo and CoffeeCo.
posted by orthicon halo at 8:16 AM on March 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


Do business journals usually wink at the reader this way? It's a little weird given their audience.

I'm not sure it's so much winking as a quiet eulogy for a soul.

I think it is more the literary equivalent of that weird double wink-- where you emphatically blink both eyes in unison? Each time scrunching your nose. Each time rubbing your eyes open. Each time licking the sides of your fists. Each time no clearer than the last. Never are the eyes clear, never can you see what makes sense, so you repeat until it does, you repeat until your fur is clean. Then, and only then will it be time again to feast on acorns.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:16 AM on March 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


This is really stūpid.
posted by MegoSteve at 8:16 AM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Remember, somebody was paid a lot of money to approve this idea. They can put this on their resume and everything.

This is why we can't have nice things.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 8:17 AM on March 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


cribcage: "That's a neat article, although I wish it delved farther into the executive-level discussions. That could be the really interesting part, in a "how sausages are made" sense, of what's otherwise a typical story. Executives sit down in an attempt to fix something that isn't broken, and an hour later somehow they've managed to smash the vase on the table and break the nice statute that was in the corner and spill paint on their slacks."

My only quibble with this is that I'd bet many many quatloos that it was far, far more than just an hour later. There were meetings at multiple management levels for weeks if not months, and an absurd number of man-hours thrown into it, and some at the highest levels will get bonuses for their parts in it that will be downright comical if they weren't so tragic. A story about what that string of rebranding meetings were actually like would be fascinating, I'm sure.
posted by Drastic at 8:17 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I thought Tfark was someone from Fark.com attempting the moon shot of pranks.
posted by Grimgrin at 8:18 AM on March 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


Mondelez makes me think of feminine hygeine products. Great.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:20 AM on March 23, 2012


Kraft is splitting into two companies, the snack business (Mondelez) and a grocery products business.

The split-off one should clearly have been called SnackyKraft then.
posted by elizardbits at 8:21 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Mondelez makes me think of feminine hygeine products.

It makes me think of a lesbian casino.
posted by elizardbits at 8:21 AM on March 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


...where everyone speaks Esperanto.
posted by griphus at 8:22 AM on March 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Alternate Ruled Out Names:

Scarfnetz
Gorgadoba
Krakletaste
Feastitude
Diabetico
Gargleyum
Chompchomp
Cadillac
Savorite 3000
iNvelop
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:24 AM on March 23, 2012 [27 favorites]



Should have been Upgradde. With a double d, you know, for a double dose of pimpin'.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:26 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Do business journals usually wink at the reader this way? It's a little weird given their audience.

Y'know, I saw that wink too, and I got that sense throughout the whole article. (Admittedly, I skimmed.) But it made me happy for the reporter.
posted by scratch at 8:26 AM on March 23, 2012


I see "mondelez" and read it as "monde" - which means "world" - and "lez" - which means "woman who has sex with women". I do not see why this is a good name for a snack food.
posted by madcaptenor at 8:26 AM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh for f*ck's sake.

No, it's Tfark's sake.
posted by Fizz at 8:26 AM on March 23, 2012


a comment from somewhere else about this:

"I wish some company would have the balls to go old-timey with it, like "Amalgamated Foodstuff & Morsel Concern."

but yeah, uh.. everyone knows what Kraft is. wtf is a Mondelez. I'd go with "How Many Products Can We Make From Corn-based Chemistry, Inc."
posted by ninjew at 8:26 AM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


"Anyone want Mondelēz-a-Rice?"
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 8:27 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Dr. Kraftenstein's Patent Corn-Cheese Victual Spread and Liniment
posted by griphus at 8:28 AM on March 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


“The higher purpose is to make today delicious,” says Mitchell

Jesus. Somebody check his back yard for pods.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:28 AM on March 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Months later they're /still/ MeatCo and CoffeeCo

I am now punching the air and shouting MEAT CO BRINGS YOU MEAT MEAT CO BRINGS YOU MEAT
posted by The Whelk at 8:33 AM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Also, apparently mondelez will remind Russian speakers of oral sex. You'd think a company of Kraft's size could afford the finest foreign-language slang consultants.
posted by madcaptenor at 8:35 AM on March 23, 2012


Metafilter: How Many Products Can We Make From Corn-based Chemistry
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:36 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dramatic late surge by the branding macron, which is beginning to overtake the branding umlaut in the race for Most Annoying Use of a Misunderstood Diacritic!

Seriously: people who know what a macron means will say "lays" and people who don't will say "lez." Nobody on Earth will look at that and say "lees." And people who've read or seen Rebecca will think of Manderley, burning to the ground, and be amused.
posted by RogerB at 8:36 AM on March 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


I went right to Vandelay Industries.
posted by stevil at 8:37 AM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Last might, I dreamed I was at Manderley again....microwaving corn based cheese stuxs
posted by The Whelk at 8:39 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I can't help hearing this name in the voice of Stuart Scott narrating a Raul Mondesi highlight. If you watched a lot of SportsCenter in the 90s, you know what I'm talking about.

MAWNdeleez!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 8:41 AM on March 23, 2012


Also, apparently mondelez will remind Russian speakers of oral sex.

First of all, I had no idea that "manda/манда" was slang for vagina. "liz/лиз" is just a conjugation of the verb "to lick." So first of all, that is hilarious. Second of all, if you put "манда лиз" (with the space) into Google translate, the translation is "an analysis of mandates." So how about that.
posted by griphus at 8:41 AM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Macron Foodstuffs would be a good name. Their rebranding to it would involve Macron, a friendly robot who forcibly stuffs snack products down people's throats. The highest mission of course isn't to make food delicious, but to protect people from the terrible secret of space, which is why it would also push people down flights of stairs.
posted by Drastic at 8:42 AM on March 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


Did somebody say Menendez?

(It's what comes to my mind whenever I see something similar, and this is similar)
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:44 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


bonehead: If you have to spend 500 words explaining how to pronounce your new name, I submit that the new name has a hard road ahead of it.

I see what you did there.
posted by hangashore at 8:45 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also, the majority of Kraft's 'snack brands' already have a parent name: NABISCO, from the company Kraft bought umpteen years ago. What would be so wrong with having NABISCO candy or popcorn? Few people even remember that the BIS in NABISCO is short for 'biscuit'....
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:47 AM on March 23, 2012


We don't have Kraft mac and cheese here. We do, however, have Philadelphia cream cheese with Cadbury's Dairy Milk in it, so who wins?
posted by mippy at 8:49 AM on March 23, 2012


A corporation, legendary, really?

Really. Watching something like this when you had the munches could be epic. Or tragic. Yeah, usually just tragic.

Also: The next time unexpected guests drop in on you, why not treat them to something special?
posted by maudlin at 8:50 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


> I went right to Vandelay Industries.

Dammit, I came in here to say that!
posted by Burhanistan at 8:50 AM on March 23, 2012


Last night I dreamt I bought some Mondelez again... As I stood there, hushed and still, I could swear that the brand was not an empty shell but lived and breathed as it had lived before.
posted by MuffinMan at 8:53 AM on March 23, 2012


> I went right to Vandelay Industries.

Dammit, I came in here to say that!


I was going to ask if they were going into architecture.
posted by dirigibleman at 8:54 AM on March 23, 2012


For Kraft spokesman Michael Mitchell, “Tfark” is a personal favorite. “I’m not sure what it means,” says Mitchell. “I just liked the way it sounds.”

It's Kraft backwards, you idiot. (Really, how did this guy get any marketing power?)
posted by Benny Andajetz at 8:55 AM on March 23, 2012


Did somebody say Menendez?

I thought of Bill Melendez.
posted by Trurl at 8:55 AM on March 23, 2012


Fun fact: for much of my childhood, I didn't know "cheese and noodles" could be made minus the cream of mushroom soup and tuna. It totally blew my mind one day when I was at a friends' house and his mom prepared us some mac & cheese as per the instructions on the package. Also, when made in that style, I totally agree with you that it is pretty bad.

What I don't get is.. how hard is it to boil up some pasta, which you already have to do with the boxed product, and then mixing in your own fresh cheese? instead of using the CHEEZ™ packet in the box? I mean, I guess the stuff in the box has a long shelf life to hoard in your Cold War bunker, but then don't you have to use fresh milk with the stuff anyways?
posted by ninjew at 8:57 AM on March 23, 2012


how hard is it to boil up some pasta, which you already have to do with the boxed product, and then mixing in your own fresh cheese?

This doesn't make cheese sauce, it makes lumps and grease. I mean, Kraft doesn't make cheese sauce, either, but it's at least "cheez" sauce.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:00 AM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


(Not that real cheese sauce is hard, but most people who want mac and cheese don't have the patience or inclination to do it right.)
posted by uncleozzy at 9:01 AM on March 23, 2012


I thought Tfark was someone from Fark.com attempting the moon shot of pranks.

They noticed the story, but being Fark went for the lesbian joke rather than focusing on the tfark suggestion.
posted by Blue Meanie at 9:03 AM on March 23, 2012


I once asked one of those "branding specialists" why all the mock Latin and pseudo-Greek, and he didn't give me a satisfactory answer. Of course, the right answer is that it was a fad.

The new fad, apparently, is stüpîd diàçrîtic@l märks. Well, Häagen Dasz has been there before, but I can't avoid wondering whether the true purpose of these fads is to create marks that become naff and obsolete within months after their introduction, thus forcing a new "rebranding" and keeping all those "branding specialists" in obscenely well-paid "occupation".
posted by Skeptic at 9:05 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Bonus feature of using a macron in your brand? Few will actually write it correctly.

Kraft is straight-forward and simple, like FUD. Who doesn't like FUD?


I thought Tfark was someone from Fark.com attempting the moon shot of pranks.

Blue Meanie: They noticed the story, but being Fark went for the lesbian joke rather than focusing on the tfark suggestion.

Fark: like you never left junior high school.

(Heh, you said lez)
posted by filthy light thief at 9:07 AM on March 23, 2012


I suppose now Planters will be Mondeleeez Nuts, which, if nothing else, is a breath of fresh air for the flagging "early 90s knock-knock joke" industry.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 9:09 AM on March 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


Skeptic: Well, Häagen Dasz has been there before

Mark this as my weird factoid (or two) learned for the day:
The name Häagen-Dazs is simply two made-up words meant to look Scandinavian to American eyes—although in fact, the digraphs "äa" and "zs" are not part of any native words in any of the Scandinavian languages. This practice is known in the marketing industry as foreign branding.
And Häagen-Dazs was founded in 1961. I was duped on their origin and their age. Well played, Reuben and Rose Mattus!
posted by filthy light thief at 9:12 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Remember, somebody was paid a lot of money to approve this idea. They can put this on their resume and everything.

That ain't the half of it. Turns out there's a highly paid professional communicator drawing a salary that's surely well above the national mean and greater than any teacher in any public school in America, and when he finally hit the pages of Businessweek, this is what he said:
For Kraft spokesman Michael Mitchell, “Tfark” is a personal favorite. “I’m not sure what it means,” says Mitchell. “I just liked the way it sounds." . . . “The higher purpose is to make today delicious,” says Mitchell, no trace of irony in his voice.
I mean, this guy showed up at work this morning, got right back down to making today delicious. Didn't even dock him a day's pay or nothin', I bet.
posted by gompa at 9:13 AM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


OH! TFARK IS KRAFT SPELLED BACKWARDS.
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:15 AM on March 23, 2012


Also, this thread seems like a good place to drop a link to an absolutely amazing NY Times piece on an equally extraordinary line of strategic thinking going on at GM.

I'll save you the click by mashing together the best bits of this endlessly quotable story:
Today Facebook, Twitter and text messaging allow teenagers and 20-somethings to connect without wheels. High gas prices and environmental concerns don’t help matters. . . . The five-year strategic vision that Scratch has developed for Chevrolet, kept quiet until now, stretches beyond marketing to a rethinking of the company’s corporate culture. The strategy is to infuse General Motors with the same insights that made MTV reality shows like “Jersey Shore” and “Teen Mom” breakout hits. . . . Last summer, Mr. Martin and his team temporarily transformed part of the G.M. lobby into a loftlike space reminiscent of a coffee shop in Austin or Seattle, with graffiti on the walls and skateboards and throw pillows scattered around. . . .

On a recent Tuesday morning in the General Motors Technical Center, which was designed by Eero Saarinen, a couple of car executives huddled around a “persona board” in the color and trim laboratory.

They studied a collage loaded with images of hip products like headphones created by Dr. Dre, a tablet computer and a chunky watch. The board inspired new Chevrolet colors, like “techno pink,” “lemonade” and “denim,” aimed at “a 23-year-old who shops at H&M and Target and listens to Wale with Beats headphones,” said Rebecca Waldmeir, a color and trim designer for Chevrolet.
That's right, folks: A five-year strategic visioning campaign, the upshot of which is that Chevy should rasta-fy its subcompacts by 20 percent or so. MTV billed millions ofr that, I'm sure.

I'm in the wrong fucking business.
posted by gompa at 9:18 AM on March 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


Executives sit down in an attempt to fix something that isn't broken, and an hour later somehow they've managed to smash the vase on the table and break the nice statute that was in the corner and spill paint on their slacks.

Oh, I see you've worked with Kraft before.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:19 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


ofr, by the way, is my proposed name for a new line of Chevy scooters.
posted by gompa at 9:20 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


"liz/лиз" is just a conjugation of the verb "to lick."

why are you doing this to me

why
posted by elizardbits at 9:23 AM on March 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


TFARK IS KRAFT SPELLED BACKWARDS.

I feel so stupid. I thought it was the name in the original Vulcan.
posted by bonehead at 9:24 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no Ten Commandments an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin', an' it's there that I would be
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea;
On the road to Mondelēz,
Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings when we went to Mondelēz!
O the road to Mondelēz,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:26 AM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh man how did I miss this:

Apparently the languages that use the macron natively are: Serbo-Croatian, Macedonian, Slovene, Bulgarian, Latvian, Lithuanian, Hawaiian, Māori, Tongan and Samoan.

It's a name that brings to mind the taste sensation that is Eastern European cuisine and the natural lightness of traditional Polynesian cooking. This is a winner, folks.

Their first product is a boiled, deep-fried coconut stuff with potato.
posted by griphus at 9:36 AM on March 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


changing its name to Ingredion

Ingredions are an important part of the scientific ingrediation of nutrient paste.
posted by Cironian at 9:37 AM on March 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


ofr, by the way, is my proposed name for a new line of Chevy scooters

Initial models will include the "ōfr Thelovagod" and the "ōfr Xrissake," which will be cross-marketed to evangelical youth groups, the "ōfr Four" (baseball tie-in), and the "Penny L-ōfr" for the business crowd. As long as they're all available in Xtrēm radical colorways like "denim" and "lemonade" I think we've got a hit on our hands here.
posted by RogerB at 9:38 AM on March 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


Ingredion sounds like the future company that will be responsible for turning dissidents into nutritious protein slurry which will then be fed to prisoners of lesser offenses like jaywalking or confusing your with you're.
posted by elizardbits at 9:39 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


actually, no, the grammar felons shall also be flung into the slurry machine

my totalitarian dictatorship is going to be so rad
posted by elizardbits at 9:41 AM on March 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


Fortunately, the dissidents will be fed nothing but acorns from sentencing to, ahem, "processing."
posted by griphus at 9:41 AM on March 23, 2012


Ingredion sounds like a brand of micro sized incendiary grenade for a video game. Twelve to a Pack, Available in Sticky, Bouncy, and Original.
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:44 AM on March 23, 2012


A slurry machine is, incidentally, what you call a robot with alcoholism.
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:45 AM on March 23, 2012


Xtrēm radical colorways

Love this, RogerB. Great work. The Loreal cross-promotion sells itself. "Looks as good on the road as it does on your nails." Just supremo. Give yourself a raise and let's go down to the most overpriced Italian joint in a ten-block radius for lunch.
posted by gompa at 9:46 AM on March 23, 2012


that sounds like something a dissident would say
posted by elizardbits at 9:46 AM on March 23, 2012


Reminds me of "Monsanto", not a positive food association.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:47 AM on March 23, 2012


that sounds like something a dissident would say

did i say diss? i dent!
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:52 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ingredion sounds like the future company that will be responsible for turning dissidents into nutritious protein slurry which will then be fed to prisoners of lesser offenses like jaywalking or confusing your with you're.

The ad copy writes itself: "You're SoyLenta™!"
posted by hangashore at 9:54 AM on March 23, 2012


In other news, Nestlé is being rebranded as ÉLTSEN and Unilever will soon be REVELINU and Monsanto announces plans to change their name to EARTHKILLER.
posted by jeremias at 9:54 AM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Monsanto announces plans to change their name to EARTHKILLER.

BREAKING: Dow mounts copyright infringement suit on new Monsanto brand.
posted by gompa at 9:58 AM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


EARTHKILLER rebrands as a more oblique, ambiguous, German name: EARTHFUCK
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:08 AM on March 23, 2012


BREAKING: Dow's new WELTKRÜSHEN outselling Monsanto EARTHFUCK 2-to-1 in eastern Europe, South Asia, Texas
posted by gompa at 10:12 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


German name: EARTHFUCK

Shouldn't that be EARTHFICKEN?
posted by elizardbits at 10:16 AM on March 23, 2012


ERDEFICKEN, technically. But it focus-grouped poorly in Britain, France, Poland, the western states of the Czech Republic and the lowland countries for some reason.
posted by gompa at 10:19 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I hope their new logo is at least as awesome as the Gap's.
posted by usonian at 10:24 AM on March 23, 2012


Eventually, they decide they don't want to be a company anymore and become a grindcore band named URTHFUK
posted by griphus at 10:25 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


The ad copy writes itself: "You're SoyLenta™!"

You, my good sir/madam, have just earned yourself a position in my Ministry of Propaganda.
posted by elizardbits at 10:28 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I hope their new logo is at least as awesome as the Gap's.

A fist crushing a can of cheez wiz, ruptured the contents spills onto an earth shaped cracker, on this cracker the orange ejaculate spells out Mondelez!
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:29 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Shouldn't that be EARTHFICKEN?

EARTHBEDONKEN
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:30 AM on March 23, 2012


Could someone give me a single German word for "your project is going to be late and over budget?" I'm trying to rebrand my business.
posted by maxwelton at 10:38 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


ENHOPENSOULRUCRUSHEN
posted by The Whelk at 10:39 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


The parent of ERP software house DataTel bought a big slab of SunGard, specifically the higher education ERP software provider SunGard Higher Education. What's the new name? Well, uh, they're thinking about it, but in the mean time, please call them Sophia.

And no, I Am Not Kidding: they sent out an email earlier this year saying that they wanted to use that name on an interim basis until they figured out what they wanted to be called. I could almost see the teen-age angsty bowl haircut and emo band shirt.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:06 AM on March 23, 2012


Could someone give me a single German word for "your project is going to be late and over budget?" I'm trying to rebrand my business.

I'm afraid that "Systemanalyse und Programmentwicklung" is already taken (also, not a single word).
posted by Skeptic at 11:07 AM on March 23, 2012


ERDEFICKEN.

I "like" it. I just spend 5 minutes making the new logo. The Comic Sans hopefully softens it up, Blackletter was too obvious although it's Friday and upon request I will make it.
posted by jeremias at 11:12 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ah fuck it, you don't have to ask me. Here's ERDEFICKEN in blackletter.
posted by jeremias at 11:24 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


jeremias, try Papyrus. Give it a real Old Testament wrath-of-Jehovah feel.
posted by gompa at 11:39 AM on March 23, 2012


I think you mean a real thai restaurant/yoga studio/enema clinic feel.
posted by elizardbits at 11:42 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
KRAFT?
posted by chimaera at 11:50 AM on March 23, 2012


Soylent Blue.
posted by chavenet at 11:54 AM on March 23, 2012


jeremias, try Papyrus. Give it a real Old Testament wrath-of-Jehovah feel.

You know I could do this all day right? Although I don't think this hit the vibe you were looking for . . .
posted by jeremias at 12:09 PM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


All this 100th anniversary of Oreos stuff is really making me miss Hydrox.

Hydrox would, of course, be 104 years old if they had manage to fend off the competition from the National Biscuit Company.

To add insult to injury, Kelloggs still makes the damn things, only to crush them up for sale as Hydrox crumbs. My friend's ice cream shop buys them out of general principle.
posted by snottydick at 12:16 PM on March 23, 2012


I don't think this hit the vibe you were looking for . . .

No, but it is the new logo for my candy-rave revival night.
posted by gompa at 12:34 PM on March 23, 2012


it's not food, it's tfark
posted by p3on at 1:18 PM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Kraft snack food division = Krack. It's obvious.
posted by derMax at 2:23 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Hydrox crumbs" sounds like an unappealing side-effect of mainlining.
posted by griphus at 2:27 PM on March 23, 2012


Here's ERDEFICKEN in blackletter.

Let's just skip an iteration and go right to "EF" and a logo like this.
posted by mullacc at 2:53 PM on March 23, 2012


What tfark?
posted by Catch at 2:56 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


All they need to do is give that flat macron a playful tilt and they've got a winner. I can see it now:

Mondale'z Meatless CheezySnaxx
Where's the Beef?
posted by Rhaomi at 3:06 PM on March 23, 2012


We're Beatrice.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 4:06 PM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


MetaFiltēr.

Done & done.
posted by chavenet at 4:44 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


TFARKNIKUFESIN.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:59 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


'Kraft' has always struck me as a name invented by an idiot who couldn't spell.
posted by pompomtom at 6:04 PM on March 23, 2012


Their first product is a boiled, deep-fried coconut stuff with potato.

That...is something I would eat.
posted by threeants at 8:28 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


World of Snackcraft! All they have to do is buy out Blizzard.
posted by XMLicious at 9:18 PM on March 23, 2012



He submitted “Snax” as part of what he likes to call “the co-creation process”


Man I really wish that they did go with snax - that would make Good Omens even funnier
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:17 AM on March 24, 2012


'Kraft' has always struck me as a name invented by an idiot who couldn't spell.

For all those who laughed at the fellow who didn't know what TFARK means, I will simply state for the record that Kraft was the name of one of the company's founders.

Canadian-born and of German origin, James L. Kraft started a wholesale door-to-door cheese business in Chicago in 1903.

posted by chavenet at 6:31 AM on March 24, 2012


but when did he start his electronic music empire?
posted by elizardbits at 7:25 AM on March 24, 2012


They say it's just the corporate name, but who wants to bet they're already rolling out "Mondaleez & Cheese Pleez!"
posted by gorgor_balabala at 1:08 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


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