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Anyone notice that all jonmc's posts are favorited by flarbuse?
posted to MetaFilter by beta male at 3:33 PM on December 14, 2006

How about this, Astro Zombie? What say we start cutting off the eyelids of all male infants, around about the age of eight days old? After all, it's just a tiny flap of skin that serves no real purpose -- and it will help all those little kids keep their eyeballs real clean so that eyeball infections are minimized, thereby saving lots of people from poor eyesight as they get older?

Also, in my sun-worshipping religion, sacrifice of the eyelids to the sun is a pact with... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by PeterMcDermott at 11:35 PM on December 13, 2006

I used to do this too, it's a great trick in a big company, however, not with my feet.

In my office drawer I'd have a few Rubik's Cubes messed up in a pattern I'd memorized, and one on my desk. When someone would come into my office and ask me a technical question that was simple (e.g. are .html files the same as .htm files?) I would pick up the Rubik's cube on my desk, and start turning it. I'd ask them first what prompted the question, and then solve the puzzle in 25... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by DragonBoy at 7:39 PM on December 12, 2006

Some numbers are big. Some numbers are really big. Some numbers are really big and unique. Which could make them illegal.
posted to MetaFilter by quin at 3:31 PM on December 13, 2006

my boyfriend was circumcised and he still died as a result of AIDS.
posted to MetaFilter by brandz at 3:12 PM on December 13, 2006

One for you -

Bono hushes the crowd at the U2 concert. Then, after a long pause, he claps his hands over his head, once.

Several seconds later, he claps again. After another pause, another clap, and so on. Bono addresses the crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Darfur dies,"
he intones mournfully.

A guy in the front row shouts,"Well fucking stop it then!... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Mister_A at 1:56 PM on December 13, 2006

"The basic rule to try to eat by is: eat as similar to our hunter-gatherer ancestors as possible."

Our hunter-gatherer ancestors mostly died in their twenties. But go ahead, be "natural," if that's what does it for you. I'll be the one drinking Scotch and eating petite pastrami sandwiches at your funeral.
posted to MetaFilter by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:45 PM on December 12, 2006

Alao, to throw in on the Icy/Kid debate, I know of atleast one joke that isn't at the expense of anyone/anything.

"What's red and invisible?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No Tomotoes."

Well, I think it's funny.
posted to MetaFilter by Navelgazer at 3:53 PM on December 12, 2006

For women, reproduction is, if not the only thing, certainly the main thing. Apart from giving them a very different attitude to filth and embarrassment, it also imbues them with the kind of seriousness and solemnity at which men can only goggle.

Wait, so the reason I'm never gonna be funny is that I'm too serious-minded about babies?

Hell, I once bought a pack of coathangers along with a pregancy test just to see the look on the clerk's face.
posted to MetaFilter by bookish at 1:07 PM on December 12, 2006

My personal favorite part is the sentence he starts out : If I am correct about this, which I am
posted to MetaFilter by nuclear_soup at 11:05 AM on December 12, 2006

Also, My wife has had several suicide attempts before I met her. Had to call the paramedics, etc. Now she just deals with "mood swings" without medication.
I still haven't cried for 10+ years.
posted to MetaFilter by Balisong at 6:45 PM on December 12, 2006

If you only see one Mayan language movie made by a sexist anti-semite this holiday season, make it this one!
posted to MetaFilter by Fuzzy Monster at 7:30 AM on December 11, 2006

This one is a joke, right?
Dear Congressman,
My first question is did you file suit against the DA that railroaded you out of Congress? I would.

THE UNITED NATIONS (OF DESPOTS):
I pray to God that "someone" will finally have the "baxxs" to kick that corupt organization off our soil.

NATO:
I pray to God that "someone" will withdraw the USA from this toothless... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by jokeefe at 12:29 PM on December 11, 2006

Way to go Tom! We're pulling for ya all the way!
You are the glue that binds the gears of America together! Go get em!
December 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenter: AmericaLuver

Apparently the editor doesn't follow metaphor too closely.
posted to MetaFilter by The White Hat at 11:47 AM on December 11, 2006

OK, fuck all you critics, I was the best leader the House of Representatives has ever had. Don't try to smear me, I am the definition of honesty and integrity, so fuck all you liberal commies.

December 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenter Tom Delay

I kinda wish he actually had the balls to come out swinging like that.
posted to MetaFilter by piratebowling at 11:11 AM on December 11, 2006

‮.tuoba si ssuf eht tahw ees t'nod I ,yllaeR
posted to MetaFilter by reventlov at 3:47 PM on December 11, 2006

I must relate this story, as it seems most appropriate:

A few years back a friend knew this guy he was in orchestra with, who would come to his house just to use the web under whatever pretense he could come up with. He used to go on Yahoo/Lycos Dating and Chat to try and get laid. I was round too one day, chilling, watching TV with my mate. He was making the tea and took a cup up to this guy, conveniently noticing his username and the chatroom he was inhabiting at the... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by 999 at 6:33 PM on December 11, 2006

What a bitch. Also:

Unfortunately, the site has real teenagers on it. And that was quite a shock. Where are these frightful young people the media bemoans, youngsters who can barely spell their own names and are obsessed with sex? They’re all on Bebo. It’s very depressing. These are tomorrow’s voters. No wonder the country’s in a mess.

Erm, strictly speaking the country's in a mess because of today's... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by brundlefly at 4:18 PM on December 11, 2006

I love philosophy and bass guitars.

God you're so hot. Wanna fuck?

OK! But first, clean your room and then come to the dinner table because you're food is getting cold.

Ermm... mum?

Oh yeah, then I'll totally do you.
posted to MetaFilter by Second Account For Making Jokey Comments at 3:52 PM on December 11, 2006

My sister-in-law sent her son an email inquiring as to his preference for dinner that evening. His email response:

"This is so gay. Never email me again."
posted to MetaFilter by Mental Wimp at 3:34 PM on December 11, 2006

It started with a bet. I can never resist a challenge and this one, posed by a mischievous friend, was a humdinger: could I befriend one of my own children on one of those ’social networking’ websites for teenagers without being caught out? Could I make a convincing youngster and engage my son in online conversations?

Jesus. Hate to break it to you, Ben, but your mom's a dick.

I said I would do it only if it was a bit... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by mediareport at 3:20 PM on December 11, 2006

My auto loan is through Cap One. You would not believe the lengths they go through to have me not pay the bill. I picked up a decent contract, so was able to pay a decent chunk off almost immediately. And then they stopped sending me invoices at all.

I called them, worried I was going to miss a payment, and they tell me they don't send bills at all unless I'm paying the absolute minimum. And that it's okay to pay late, they'll just... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by astruc at 10:48 PM on December 10, 2006

grouse : "It may be more than you realize—50 percent of Americans have below-average intelligence."

Pedant Power ON!

Not necessarily.

Take, for example, a group of 10 people, 9 of which have an IQ of 100, and one of which has an IQ of 10.
In that case, the average IQ is 91, but 90% of the people have above-average intelligence, and only 10% have below average.... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Bugbread at 8:20 PM on December 10, 2006

I'm assuming that the English cricket team falls into the half of the population that does no exercise at all.

Not that they are particularly fat, though.
posted to MetaFilter by UbuRoivas at 3:48 PM on December 10, 2006

Dream on. You'll never catch us.
posted to MetaFilter by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 3:01 PM on December 10, 2006

Thanks for the link to the transcript. I was no way going to listen to the audio. My doctor wants me to avoid stress.

I was going to say "unbelievable" but it's sadly believable.

I once ordered some food at a fast food place, and the total was something like $4.12. I gave the counter-kid a 5. He put a bunch of change in his hand, held it out, and told me to take the correct change from the pile of various coins in his hand. And yes, the... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by The Deej at 1:20 PM on December 10, 2006

how to kick it gangsta style, in 8 easy steps:

1) get elected
2) do whatever the fuck you want
3) the press, the opposition party and the american people will be too timid and docile to call you on your shit; they will, in fact, savagely turn on anyone who dares to do so
4) get away with all kinds of shit for at least 6 years
5) profit. tremendously.
6) when the press, the opposition party, and the american... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by lord_wolf at 9:48 AM on December 10, 2006

I like tear gas, Baby_Balrog. Because it makes the life all around it when you're not being gassed so much more appreciated.

Let me go be really unpopular and say I prefer death to pain.
BlackLeotardFront I would rather be shot than incapacitated. I would rather die than submit. I'm one of those asshole psychopaths who enjoys delivering serious harm to people, but I know the nihilism behind that, so I will never do it. I like my soul, conscience, integrity,... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Smedleyman at 8:40 AM on December 10, 2006

This problem is textbook! The following is from materials law students use to study for the bar:

"If the statute is intended to protect members of a limited class from exploitation or overbearing, members of that class are presumed to be immune from liability, even if they participate in the crime in a manner that would otherwise make them liable."
posted to MetaFilter by banished at 6:10 PM on December 9, 2006

children that young don't have the capacity to consent, because they may agree to the act without fully knowing what it will entail.

I don't think it's true that children don't have the capacity to consent. I think they don't have the capacity to give informed consent to sex with an adult, because child in a relationship with any adult is unlikely to understand the level to which an adult holds authority and power over him/her. We... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Hildegarde at 5:09 PM on December 9, 2006

From the sun?

Ahh, the dumb way to covert sunlight to energy. Grow something (Fixing carbon, hooray!) then burn it (shoving it right back into the atmosphere. No help.) It's also very inefficient, and it takes a bloody long time.

I've not seen any credible evidence that the two big biofuels -- ethanol and biodiesel -- are anywhere near net positive. Every example that claims so tends to leave something out -- the biggest... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by eriko at 5:45 PM on December 8, 2006

"We're fucked! No more oil-lamps! Go back to candles!"

Just wanted to say that this made me laugh very, very hard.
posted to MetaFilter by Baby_Balrog at 8:19 AM on December 9, 2006

From wendell's link: In early 1965, Kirkman and Alexander formed a 13-man ensemble ("The Men") in LA and made their debut at the Troubadour; but during a rehearsal, disaster struck -- half the group left after a particularly heated argument, and the six remaining members of The Men met at Kirkman's house to ponder their future. The remaining members of The Men ... decided to change the group's name. When Kirkman's wife checked the meaning of their first choice, "The... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by swell at 7:30 PM on December 8, 2006

They've found a way to profitably scale torture!
posted to MetaFilter by bshort at 8:37 PM on December 8, 2006

So wait, there's no difference between a private political campaign funding shills using their own money, and the government of the United States funding shills using my money?

This is, indeed, news to me.
posted to MetaFilter by tkolar at 5:59 PM on December 8, 2006

Uhh, delmoi? I think you have the wrong thread. Three times.
posted to MetaFilter by blasdelf at 7:46 PM on December 6, 2006

I stopped at 49 of these works because I don't want to die.
posted to MetaFilter by horsewithnoname at 9:10 PM on December 7, 2006

Your favorite thing = consumer garbage
posted to MetaFilter by spicynuts at 1:53 PM on December 7, 2006

allelopath:: "Well, Swedes for one.
Contrary to what Americans think, English is not the only language in the world."

And contrary to what Europeans think, all Americans know it.
posted to MetaFilter by koeselitz at 6:13 AM on December 6, 2006

I recently had to call out the Dauphin for being insufficiently boulevard. No one likes to take on the son of Le Roi, but here in the glittery shit streaked halls of Versailles one must simply stay rich or die tryin'.
posted to MetaFilter by Divine_Wino at 7:07 AM on December 6, 2006

FYI, mathowie's idea on searching for missing persons like Kim.
posted to MetaFilter by mattbucher at 7:39 PM on December 4, 2006

Jesus, these people have learned NOTHING from Iraq.

That's always been my hope, that despite the terrible atrocities our countries are now committing in the middle east, their impending defeat will at least mean the Americans will vote in isolationists for the next twenty years. That might go some way towards a peaceful, multipolar world.

Half a million dead in Iraq is a price worth paying to prevent many millions dead in Iran, or China, which... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Bletch at 9:28 AM on December 5, 2006

Wow, this is so funny. When I lived in Japan, a good Canadian friend of mine told me about her friend back home. He wasn't doing so well because he found this original unmarked Velvet Underground record at a yard sale... too many people knew about it, didn't know where he should keep it, and what the lawyers were going to do about it... We sat in a coffee shop and wished we could quit teaching English and hit a jackpot...
Months later, here it is on MetaFilter!
posted to MetaFilter by simonemarie at 9:27 PM on December 5, 2006

YouTube. MySpace. Wikipedia.

The trifecta is now in play. Give this man a Wii!
posted to MetaFilter by sourwookie at 6:50 AM on December 4, 2006

"The sad truth is that most evil
is done by people who never make
up their minds to be good or evil."--Hannah Arendt (it's the anniv of her death today)
posted to MetaFilter by amberglow at 3:08 PM on December 4, 2006

ohhhhhh

I'mmm a (robot) lumberjack and I'm (in a way superior to humans) okay
I (don't ever) sleep all night and I work (tirelessly) all day!

I cut down trees, I (don't) eat lunch, I (don't) go to the lavatory
On wednesdays I (mock the piteous notion of) going shopping,
and (scorn) buttered scones for tea.
posted to MetaFilter by tehloki at 10:43 AM on December 3, 2006

tehloki: I see your post and raise you....

I'm a (robot) lumberjack baby
I'm gonna cut you down to size
I'm a(n underwater robot) lumberjack baby
And you're the one that gets my prize
And when you hear my (submerged) motor running
You know I surely be coppin' a rise
So I'm gonna crank it up and cut it down

I ain't jacked my lumber, baby
Since my (underwater) chain saw you.
posted to MetaFilter by aliasless at 11:29 AM on December 3, 2006

Sorry, I should have checked out their privacy policy before posting, I didn't think about that (and I'm glad it's clean).

Clean?

(iii) Teleflip reserves the right to change all or a portion of this Privacy Policy at any time with or without individual notice to you, and your continued use of the Service or the Site constitutes your binding acceptance of any such changes. You may always review the most current version... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by scottreynen at 9:33 PM on December 2, 2006

Sorry about this long comment; this is something I've been turning over in my mind ever since I left political science and went back to philosophy. Here goes:

It's a fantastic and delightful dream to believe that Al Gore is the only "good" politician in a world gone bad, and that he would have miraculously saved us from everything evil. It's also somewhat comforting to tell ourselves that everything went wrong only in the last six years. The fact of the matter,... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by koeselitz at 9:55 AM on November 30, 2006

modern conservatives
posted to MetaFilter by nofundy at 9:27 AM on November 30, 2006